TRIGGER WARNING- This chapter contains mentions of suicide.

Thanks to x snow-pony x for reviewing.

I know that after I have been gone for all summer and a bit from this story you're eager to get to the chapter. But there's a few author's notes that I have to get through. I've been leaving this one at all my stories so you might have seen it before. But this, and the how-they-ended-up-in-care-chapter I'm already working on are the only ones left so you shouldn't have to see it again.

First of all, you know the page where I was making all edits for characters and stuff? Polyvore? The page has been taken down. And yes, it's the whole page and not only my account. Without warning or anything, just like that. And of course I can't change that- but instead, for putting up pictures of celebrity look alike's, updates about what stories I'm working on and also a bit of Epilepsy awareness. I have put up an Instagram account. If you are interested in following you can find it under the name "Linneagbfanfiction"

And second- I am so, so sorry I haven't updated in forever. I didn't want to write one more chapter only about the Epilepsy- awareness- thing but it will come back. And I had no idea about how to write this chapter, and I still don't. But I have some ideas and I think I can make them at least into a filler.

Many of my stories right now are ending up not being updated in forever. Because right now I've got a tad too many stories. But things are changing. And I am almost finished with several of my stories, which are the ones listed below.

-How far I'll go
-The one where rawr means I love you in dinosaur
-Unpretty hurts
-Dancing in the rain
-Stranger defended
-The little girl

So those are ending, and I'm also about to put up a first chapter of a two-shot I'm writing. But I'm sure that one will only be a two-shot. Then I also have an idea for a story about Tracy and Seth haha. But it will still be a whole lot of less stories than right now and I will have more time to spend on each story. So it shouldn't keep on being such long waits in between the chapters afterwards.

I'm in the works to update the full cast list in this story. When I have also the children's families will be put there. Whether the child in the story actually knows them or not.

And I think that's it. I hope you've all had a great summer, it's almost over now sadly. But here's a brand new chapter and I hope you like it.

The first school day after the mid- term holidays I quite enjoyed the silence that was around the house. George came around but sat in the office with some paperwork that had to be caught up on. And I made some cleaning and tidying around the house just at my own pace. Without having to worry that the kids would be there to destroy it all in the same moment I had finished it.

I quite liked doing things at my own pace like this. And maybe that was why I jumped high having been startled when the front door to the house opened and then slammed close.

I expected for someone to start shouting. But instead of that I could only hear the noises of heavy steps through the hallway. I couldn't help but frown, and while I walked away from the kitchen I could see Mike coming from the office.

"Shawn?"

The young, blonde-haired boy stopped in the stairs when I and Mike came up into the hallway and he turned when Mike called his name.

There was something wrong with the way he looked. Shawn looking a bit tired from his prep school and hours and hours of homework. But the way he looked back at us was as if something had been broken.

"Are you okay? You shouldn't be home yet." Mike asked worriedly and made his way up the stairs towards Shawn. Then reached how to feel his forehead in case of a temperature but Shawn just threw his head to the side and took a couple of more steps up the stairs to get away. "Why are you home already? You're not skipping class. Are you? Shawn? Are you skipping class?"

"No of course not." Shawn's voice sounded as broken and almost shut off as he looked. As if he couldn't feel anything or knew what he was saying at all. "We got off early today. And no, I'm not ill. I just have to… I'm going to my room."

Without neither me nor Mike saying anything else Shawn hurried up the stairs and soon we could hear the door to his and Aryan's room close behind him and the house went quiet again.

I and Mike looked to each other with each raised eyebrow.

"They never get time off." Mike said at last. "Seriously…" He looked up the stairs and towards Shawn's door. "Oh well. Shawn is Shawn. He's not one to keep secrets. If there's something we should know he'll come tell us about it."

With that Mike turned and walked back to the office. I followed Shawn back upstairs but walked past his door and went to get the vacuum cleaner.

I vacuumed the whole hallway through the second floor without any other interruptions and moved to the ground floor. I had never liked cleaning or tidying much. But I had kind of gotten started and now while everybody were away for school (Well, except for Shawn then) I just continued what I was doing trying not to lose concentration.

After vacuuming I suddenly noticed how untidy the toy cupboard was. If I was a kid who wanted to find a certain board game or stuffed animal in all of this I would be completely lost. So after having a couple of sandwiches for lunch I passed Shawn's room on my way there. Knocked on the door and slightly opened.

"Are you still in here?" I opened the door and leaned inside his room slightly. "You're so quiet!?"

"Uh-huh."

Shawn laid on his bed, still dressed in his school uniform and his leather bag dropped on the floor next to it. But something still wasn't like it was. And I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was I could see.

"I just had lunch. You're so quiet it was first when Mike mentioned it I even remembered you were here. I'm sorry. But if you're hungry then Mike's downstairs and you can just help yourself."

"I'm not very hungry."

"Are you okay?" I could hardly breathe when I asked that one question. Of course he wasn't! And it would have been clear to any person who wasn't downright blind and deaf. "You know, if there's anything you need to talk about then I am here. And so is Mike and George and Luce. So if there's anything you need then…"

"Right now I think I only need to be alone."

"Of course."

I got the hint and decided not to talk to Mike about it just yet. Just backed out of the room, closed the door behind me and trying not to worry walked back to the toy cupboard and looked around trying to figure what to do first.

Then all of a sudden, he had been quiet coming up so I jumped high when I turned towards the doorway and all of a sudden Shawn was standing there. Still in his school uniform and only watching me.

"It needed some tidying in here." I said as if that wasn't obvious. "Are you hungry? Or did you need me for something?" Shawn shook his head slightly. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Shawn shook his head again. "Nothing?" another shake back and forth. Then I looked back behind me and realized where I was. "Is there something about the toy cupboard?" He still didn't say anything, only nodded. Barely noticeable but there was a nod. "Don't you have any homework to do?" I asked all of a sudden before I could stop myself. I felt too much watched to get to concentrating on what I had started doing. He shook his head and I couldn't help but smile towards him- he didn't smile back. "That must be a first wouldn't it?"

I'd feel bad about that comment for the rest of my life. But of course, at the moment I didn't know what was going on…

"All teachers forbid us to do any homework. Today or all of this week."

I raised an eyebrow at him. It sounded a bit strange to me and I thought that my silence might make him say more afterwards. Shawn only leaned against the doorway to the room though and with hands in his pockets looked around without another word.

"Do you want to help out?" I sorted a bit on the shelves. "Or is there anything I could help you with?"

"I almost hung myself in here once."

Shawn still sounded as if he couldn't feel anything at all. I froze where I stood, looked to him and while I could feel something of a cold feeling roaring up inside of me.

"Wh- what? It's okay Shawn. You can talk to me but… can you explain?"

I didn't know where Shawn wanted to come with the few words he had spoken. But at the same time I didn't want to interrupt him. And while I prayed silently to God I had heard him wrong I knew so wasn't the case. What he had said was real and would so stay.

"I was eight or so. I had only been here for a few months. It was while Luce's sister Sophia lived here. She didn't know where Luce was. And she had decided that if she found out he was dead she would hang herself. She had a rope, so she tied it to the ceiling there, and made a snare and laid it on the top shelf. Anyway… I saw it when I was in here to get something. And I climbed up towards the shelves to take a look at it. I lost my grip and it fell to be right around my neck. I was about to lift it up again when I slipped and fell and that snare tightened around my neck… I was panicking, kicking and when I kept kicking the inside of this door Sophia heard it and came running. Then I pretty much died but… Sophia Atkins saved my life that day. Then of course, if it hadn't been for her that snare wouldn't have been there from the beginning."

I was frozen where I stood and what he was talking about made my stomach clench.

"Shawn?" I squeezed through my dry throat at last. "If you feel…. This. Then we can get help for you. You don't have to feel like…"

"I don't." Shawn interrupted. "I'd never…"

It suddenly hit me what I could see that was different from how he usual looked. It looked a bit as if Shawn just had let things go and given up. His hair was tousled, the button-up shirt opened and tie hanging lose around his neck. The blazer was opened and hanging lose over his shoulders and while Shawn usually looked tired after all homework he usually had.

He didn't usually look this given up.

"A girl from my school committed suicide during the mid-term holidays."

I was half bent down when he said it and Shawn could just as well have dropped a bomb in the very second. It wouldn't have surprised me more anyway.

"Wh- wh- what?"

It wasn't that I hadn't heard what he said the first time. It was just that I hoped I'd heard it wrong.

"A girl at my school committed suicide. They call us into our homerooms on Monday mornings and we just had the time to come in before they told us. Then they gave us some information about numbers and suicide prevention and all of that. Then they let us go. People who wanted to could stay back but I thought I'd rather go home."

Shawn silent looking up towards the ceiling. And for the first time I did notice a scrape in one of the boards. That must have been where the rope hang that time several years ago. Or maybe it was just a scrape, and I was paranoid about it…

"Who was she?"

I didn't know what made me ask the question. I just knew I wanted nothing but for Shawn to feel better. And I had probably asked the one question that would have made him feel worse.

"Her name was Kristen- Kristen Copeland. We didn't really know each other or anything… We just had a few classes together. I was thinking about asking her out some time. She was cute but I kept thinking no one wants to date a care kid. Now I wish I had- maybe that could have changed some things"

It took a while to understand every little word Shawn had said. And then when I understood I just kind of shook my head.

"It's not your fault Shawn. Don't you believe that."

"She hung herself." He suddenly interrupted. I tried not to imagine what the girl had looked like and done. "Anyway… Enough about that, I'm hungry. I'll go get some lunch."

With that, as Shawn turned and walked away and I couldn't thinking of anything to say life just kind of went on.

I looked to my side and then down on all of the things I had pulled out of the shelves and laid there. Then I kicked them away and stepped over them with an as long step I could take. The toy cupboard didn't seem as important anymore, I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway. With that I walked downstairs and into the office.

"We just got an email from Shawn's school." Mike told me, and I could hear on his voice right away what it was about. "During the holidays a girl in Shawn's year…"

"I know." I interrupted. "He just told me." I threw myself down into the empty chair. "I just never understood how a person could do something like that. Young person and with her whole life ahead of her. Who knows what she could have become? Singer? Doctor? President?... Wife? Mother? Now nobody will ever know." Mike shook his head again.

"It is devastating. Especially for Shawn he must be heartbroken Even the way she did it would be the same…"

"The same as what?" I asked. "What that Kristen did? She hung herself and… Mike?" Mike suddenly looked like he just realized he'd said too much. "What do you mean the same?" He cleared his throat. "Come on. If you've said A you've got to say B- what do you mean is the same?"

"Well. You have read his files, haven't you?"

"Actually, no." I said after trying to remember for a moment. "I never really knew if I was staying here or no at first. And then I wanted to also get to know the kids by meeting them rather than read about them…" I thought for a moment, then realized as a care worker I would have to know anyway. "What happened to Shawn?"

Mike sighed in a way as if he actually didn't want to tell me, leaned back in his chair and took his glasses of.

I'm not a child you need to protect from these stories.

It was only a thought. But I didn't say it in fear of it might sound like nagging. That it might seem I forced Mike to tell me and I really wanted to know.

Of course I wanted to know. If there was any way to help Shawn I wanted to make sure I did. But sometimes not knowing these children's stories seemed easier. And when Mike sighed and leaned back, I saw on the look on his eyes that this was one of those kids.

"By the time Shawn's mum died she hadn't even given him a name. And then, with him in the same room- he was seven at the time she did hang herself and committed suicide. So if it happens to someone at school or anyone it is understandable if Shawn is upset about it. Isn't it?"

I could feel myself sinking down towards the chair and would have wanted to cry and scream more than anything else. As if that was going to help. Then I tried to forget about what I was feeling, thought back to everything that had just been said and wondered if there could be a change anywhere.

"Do you think I should read through the children's files? So I'll know quite a bit about where they come from? Or should I go with what I know so far and just find out more along the way. Of course, since Emily arrived I know much about hers and Nathan and Qwyn's, I also know Peityn's parents are in prison and about that… terrible thing that happened to Marley and her family. And now I also know Shawn's story. But maybe it would be good if I knew some of it at least."

"I don't think it would hurt for you to read the files Em." Mike turned towards the door when we could hear the door open and voices of Peityn, Ella, Tracie and George filling the house. "I'll go now and make sure you're left alone here. Thankfully we don't use a billion papers anymore- all of the files are in the computer."

I could hear Mike meeting up the youngest kids just coming home from school outside of the office. I thought I heard my name but it was hard to tell since the voices were muffled by the wall in between us.

"Well. It seems I'm staying here so why not?" I searched up the files in the computer then eyed over all the names to decide who to read about first. At last I pressed Shawn's name on the screen, closed my eyes for a second. Then opened them again to read.

Full name: Shawn Jason Teddie
Date of birth: June fifth 2004
Mother, Ursula May Scott, deceased at 29, Suicide by hanging. Abusive physically and mentally.
Father unknown.
Siblings unknown.
Age when coming into care, seven
Came to Elm Tree House first when he came into care. Has lived here since. Seems okay with being in care, not caring too much about potential foster parents or moving.
Shawn is at Redlands Grammar School. From which he received a scholarship.

"Well that explains all homework he's getting…" I mumbled to myself as if that would make a change. "And the prep school uniform too as a matter of fact… He must have been doing well in school."

Despite everything he's been through Shawn is a happy boy who always tries his best and wants to make people laugh. He is happy and grateful with every chance he gets, he's smart and does well in school. Also wise beyond his years and always care for everybody else.

For every word I read I couldn't help but let a small smile form on my lips.

In his history of abuse and seeing his mother die there was really nothing to smiel about. But even after that, even when he had just come out of what had been before years ago. He seemed like a person who could leave the past behind and run his own personality and life.

Those were the kind of people I admired. I could start dwelling on the smallest of things and then go on and on and on.

With a sigh I made a mental note that I'd look up my own files when I was done with the current kids'. Then chose Marley's files to read next.

Full name: Marlena Nina Drake…

The title of the chapter is referring to the first line of a song about suicide- it is "How do you get that lonely?" by Blaine Larsen.

Random fact

The scene where Shawn accidentally hangs himself is in chapter 22 "Molli" of "Love is stronger than hate". And why that rope is laid there is in chapter 20 "things from before" if you want to read it.

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