TRIGGER WARNING- This chapter contains mentions of suicide.

Guess what guys? It's been so long since I updated this I have had the time to finish not one but two of the stories I was talking about last time. I have finished "Stranger defended" and "The one where rawr means I love you in dinosaur" Which were both quite slow and boring to write for so I am very happy to have them finished. I will be writing the second and last chapter of "Fire in my brain makes fire in our hearts" soon and it'll be up December the first… And I might also start a new story or two quite soon. But I'm still not going to have as many stories as before.

Until Nathan and Qwyn arrived home from school the first day after the fall holidays there had been a couple of phone calls, some talking and then a bunch of the other kids having arrived at school. Being told as soon as we were all here- including the twins who came last, all the care workers would be here too and we needed a meeting with them in the kitchen.

I tried to act normally, for nobody to fear whatever before we all got the chance to talk and tell what was going on. But having read through all of their files about where they had been and where they were was perfectly enough of not thinking about them the same way.

Violet was pretty much the exact same as her mother, who had been killed in the tries of becoming perfect.

Peityn was sweet but terribly manipulative.

I already knew that the older twins- Nathan and Qwyn had went to school one day. Believing that while they were in school social services would come and pick up their two younger sisters. But then, after only half the day their parents and sisters had disappeared.

They'd never seen their mum or their youngest sister again.

And then the younger twins- Ella and Tracie. They had been newborns, bundled up in blankets and left on the doorstep of Elm tree house. Much like Shawn they didn't even have any names- first or last when they arrived. Elm Tree house wasn't supposed to be a home for the very youngest but there was nowhere else… Oh sweet Lord. Sweet, sweet Ella. Just a baby, given up just like that.

"What's going on?" Ella, as sweet as ever came up to me and hugged me without hesitating when she came into the kitchen. "Mike only came to tell us we were supposed to go here but he didn't say what… And why do you look so sad?"

I look sad because I found out more about you guys than what I had wanted to.

I look sad because you are all hurting so much more than what I can help you with.

I look sad because this is a broken world where young people who have got their whole lives ahead of them… bad things happen to them. The best of them and then they believe life is over.

"We're going to talk about that when Mike, George and Luce and everybody else are here." I leaned over and kissed her hair. "But don't worry. You did nothing wrong. There's just something going on and we need to talk to you lot about it. Okay?"

"What's going on?" The back door into the kitchen opened and Luce came in. "I just had a text from George. Come here now. We need to talk to everyone. And that was it… there was a very serious tone in that text… or was that me imagining things?"

I just looked back on Luce with a meaning glance. He looked back on me surprised, but without saying anything at first I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back against the kitchen island.

"Mike's getting the others. I… we should wait until everybody gets here."

"Mike won't even let me go into my room."

Aryan came into the kitchen still wearing his school uniform and with his school bag hanging on one shoulder. It looked heavy, and it took a few seconds for me to remember that Aryan shared room with Shawn and that Mike had thought we should leave Shawn alone in his room for now.

"Come in." I told Aryan while he was just slumping down on a chair- and with a loud thud dropped his bag in between his feet. "You're going to find out soon enough what's going on but… we thought it was for the best if we all left Shawn alone for a minute."

"But it's my room too."

I knew Aryan was old enough to understand that it wasn't so simple. So I didn't say anything, which I wouldn't have had the time to anything because just then we could hear stomping steps coming from the room nearest the top of the stairs and then continuing down the stairs and through the hallway and I sighed. For the moment I was the only adult in the room who knew what was going on but I wasn't so sure I could take this discussion right now.

"I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THESE HOUSE MEETINGS." Violet shouted the second she came into the kitchen. "Why can't I just stay in my room and mind my own business? Every time I try to and I am then there's some stupid house meeting. AND MIKE WOULDN'T EVEN TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON."

"He's not telling anyone." Aryan answered before I had the time, tiredly resting his forehead in his hand. "Not even me. But it's got something to do with Shawn because I didn't even get to go into our room."

Violet pouted, mumbled something I couldn't hear what it was, crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back but didn't shout anything more. More and more of the others were gathering in a faster pace than before, Ashton, Marley, Emily, Brielle…

At last we were only waiting for the two that were just coming through the door coming home from school. I heard Mike meeting them at the door and mumbling something before three pairs of footsteps moved closer to the kitchen and into it where Mike walked first and then the dumping ground's older set of twins stopped right inside the doorway as many others before them.

"It wasn't me!"

For a moment it passed me by how these people would feel about these comments once they actually knew what was going on. Right now they only went to sit down by the table when George signed at them.

"Now, when everyone's here."

Mike was talking slowly, choosing his words well while I watched him glance over the group of kids in front of us.

This whole thing just felt unreal to me. As if this kind of things only happened to other people. To anyone but me or anybody I knew.

"Everyone's not here though." Emily interrupted and looked around. "Shawn's not."

"And Mike and Luce aren't supposed to be here either. Not now."

Mike held up one hand to stop the talking and Marty silent. Shivers went down my spine with how quiet this was- such as if everybody had already been shocked by what we'd have to tell them about.

The dumping ground wasn't supposed to be this quiet.

"Shawn came home early from school today." Mike sighed after a few seconds and everybody were turned to him. "He's not ill or anything. But a girl at his school… during the holidays she…. She committed suicide. And they got the afternoon off as her friends and also the rest of the school's students and teachers are all very shocked. There should also be some changes to how that school is working and… Shawn might change for a bit."

It was quiet for another few seconds, a couple of the younger children didn't seem to know what they were talking about. Qwyn- being old enough to know what it meant, with his elbows on the table leaned his head forward and wrapped his fingers in his hair.

"What a stupid, freaking comment."

I wasn't so sure if Qwyn's comment was turned towards himself, intended or not or turned to somebody else. I could understand he felt that about what he had just said… This wasn't the time for joking but…

"It's okay brother." Nathan patted his shoulder. "There was no way you could have known."

"No…" Aryan was looking towards his hand instead of up when he spoke. "…And you weren't the only one…" He looked up and I saw him glancing towards Violet whom just ignored him. "…I'm sorry too."

Silence fell over the room again and I couldn't help but to feel something clench in my stomach. That this silence wasn't a part of the dumping ground.

"So… are we finished now… we didn't even know this girl…" I suppressed a sigh when Violet as usual couldn't be quiet. "Or can we actually go and do something."

I looked away, it was just embarrassing how Violet could come with comments like that at this moment. But then, that was the way she always was- maybe, after everything that had happened to her and that I knew more about today than yesterday it was how she acted not to let anyone hurt her.

"No. Don't go yet." Mike cleared his throat. "We- I, George, Luce and Emma just wanted to gather you all and tell you. And I just wanted to tell you all that if anyone of you ever feel like… you don't want to live anymore. Things are just piling up an d you can't take them… or if someone you know is talking about it… Just. Come to us, come to me, Luce, George or Emma and we'll help you with it. Or tell a teacher. Or another adult that you trust. Anyone… Suicide can never be the only way out. Never- ever. Okay? And this goes for all of you."

"I don't get it." Tracie said all of a sudden, and it seemed I- nor anybody else had thought that maybe some of the youngest children wouldn't understand. "What is duiside? And why does it make everyone so sad?"

I and the other care workers looked towards each other and exchanged some looks back and forth. As if competing over who would have to speak now, when Mike already had. At last, without hesitating I turned towards the kid, drew a deep breath and forced myself to speak slowly.

"Suicide is when a person is just… broken. They feel sad and angry and hurt and maybe afraid. And they don't feel like anything can get better. So when they don't want to live like that anymore they… they kill themselves."

"Tracie…" Mike started. "…Ella, David, Peityn. Can you all come with me into the quiet room for a bit? I'll explain some more. For the rest of you, do you want to come with me, if so. Then you can, but otherwise. Then you can all just go do what you want? And Emma, you can go home. Your shift should have ended more than an hour ago."

There was nothing in my mind that wanted to protest, I guess I didn't want to go home and be all alone after everything that had happened. Yet I didn't want to stay at the dumping ground and stayed for as long as possible so I'd still catch the bus in time. Except I was interrupted when I was finally going to the bus and passed Emily's room.

The first thing I saw was how much she looked like her older brother when she sat there. Like Qwyn had looked when he had been so close to hitting Peityn and thinking he would be like his dad. But instead of the kitchen on a chair with a cup of tea in front of him, was Emily in her room, sitting on the bed with something in her hands I couldn't quite see what it was.

"Are you okay Emily?" She nodded, still I went to sit down by her and ignored how I would probably miss the next bus if I went to talk to her now. And how I had done the same when I was talking to Qwyn. "What have you got there?"

"It's just one of those shirts I've made that I thought I could sell." Emily held up the shirt in front of her, a black T- shirt with different fabric sown onto it forming letters into colorful spots both on the front and on the back of it. "It's kind of ugly… but… I know I promised Jim and everyone when I sell these things I could give the money away for a fund towards Epilepsy but… There are so many who needs help. There's Epilepsy, and then funds for I mean… care and science and everything for depression and suicidal thoughts like this. And Autism- Minnie was autistic. And then there are ones for people who are in relationships like… like with my dad. Like my mum and my sister and me and the twins and then there are funds for homes like this and it's just. There's so many… I wish I could help them all but I can't."

Emily wasn't crying, but there was a hopeless tone in her voice that squeezed and broke my heart. I laid my arm around her shoulders and then for a moment just sat like that. Hoping that at least that could give a little comfort while I searched for the right words.

"There are so many I want to help too Em. And you, and all of us. And I know you can't, and I know you wish you could help everyone with the money you make. But I think that maybe it would be for the best if you try to pick one, and make sure that you get the money to that and it will help someone. You know, no one can help everyone but everyone can help someone. I get that you want to help everybody. But helping someone is doing something great. And more than what many others will do. Do you get what I'm saying?" She nodded. "Good girl. Well. I'm going now but you have your brothers here and I know they love you more then anything else. And Mike and George will also be here." I kissed the top of her hair. "I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

Emily didn't answer me, but obviously she was thinking hard about who she wanted to help. I couldn't blame her- if there was any room for it in my own economy I would wonder about who I wanted to help too. And still feel hopeless about anyone I couldn't.

Right now I was saving as much as possible to be able to get a driver's license some time in this life. And I was reminded once again of why I needed one when I ran up to the bus stop just in time to see the bus drive away and around the corner.

Now was what I supposed to do?

With that tense feeling at the dumping ground for the moment I didn't want to return there neither. And my house would take at least a couple of hours to walk to. But I couldn't sit in the bus stop and wait for another hour until the next bus passed or…

I was interrupted in the middle of my thoughts when I heard a car honking right next to me and jumped high. When I span around quickly I could see it was Luce just leaving the dumping ground. He leaned over the shotgun seat and opened the door and I walked over.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you jump. I just thought it looked like you needed a ride."

"You do know I live in Frauley right? It's in the opposite direction from where you're going!"

"Yeah. I know that. But I was thinking about only driving around without going anywhere really until I start my night shift. So I can take a ride over to Frauley too." He nodded backwards and sat up straight again. "Or maybe you want to wait for the next bus."

I shook my head slightly, then sat down and moved into the shotgun seat before it would be that Luce was in the way for the bus that would arrive next and he hit the gas pedal again and in silence he turned towards my area.

"I do want a driver's license." I said at last- the silence was just too thick. "But it's just so expensive."

Right then the thought of what had going on earlier today was completely away from my mind. How could it not be when I and Luce finally got a moment to be on our own, and I was sitting half a meter from him- damn. He was hot! And if he had stopped to give me a ride…

…Well, at least he knew I did exist. I could just hope there was more to it.

I hope no one finds that ending inappropriate after everything that's happened.

Geez, poor Emily. She just wants to help…

Random fact

I've been wanting back and forth whether I should put this here but well… The idea of the suicide- storyline came from a few things. One of those things being that a guy who lived right next to my mum's hung himself, young guy, he could have had his whole life ahead of him. And he just… ended it!

Mum was just about to move to another area which was good because she couldn't stand to see the balcony (she lived on the top floor and this guy and his dad lived right on the other side of the stairwell.)

So, to Qwyn's comment… At the moment that guy did what he did. I was there with my mum and my aunt. And they were going away and I was staying alone and suddenly mum came back. I noticed she was being serious so when she said there would be ambulances and stuff I was just like… well... I just thought someone had had a heart attack or a stroke or something. (There is a kiosk, two restaurants and a couple of things right then and quite a lot of old people live there) anyway. On our way down the stairwell, I said some ironic comment "It's nice it's not me they're getting this time." (I had a big seizure at mum's once and then it was me. And I did notice mum didn't laugh or anything… then when I did find out what had actually happened. (Mum alerted me so I looked away before I'd seen… it!) I really felt bad for saying such a comment.

Anyway- I didn't know the guy, I don't even know his name. Only from the news I do know he was 25-ish so about my age and… it's just so sad. Then I wanted to make something for awareness and that was at the same time as I was writing my Epilepsy awareness story and I ended up with this… Rest in peace.

Everyone who reviews gets a shoutout