"You see, O." Blitz said to Octavia as he sat at his desk, holding two horse figures. "When a horsie and another horsie love each other very much, they get a little frisky with one another." He proceeded to rub them together. Ever since he learned that Stolas never gave Octavia the sex talk, Blitz has been eager to be the one that would give it to her, hence why he invited her into his office during work.
However, she was more than aware of how sex worked due to having unsupervised internet access and hearing her dads going at it on some nights. So all this talk did was make Octavia wish she was dead as she watched Blitz make a horse hump another horse. Loona was sitting next to her as support. While also embarrassed, she whispered to her sister to sit through this for Blitz, since he just wanted to feel like a dad. Once this was over, Loona would treat her sister by taking her to Stylish Occult after work.
Suddenly, the phone on his desk rang, which Octavia was thankful for since he was about to talk about anal. "Hello?" Blitz said as he answered the phone. "...oh hey, yeah we're just about to kill him. … cancel? What, did you have a change of heart or something? … then why do you wanna cance-"
Blitz's eyes then widened as they showed an expression of pure terror that Octavia had never seen on him. "... you found… someone else… to do it… cheaper?"
Blitz pulled up in front of the building this other business was operating in. It almost looked like I.M.P's office building, except it had an animated neon sign that said "Diago's Awesome Assassins" which had an imp winking at Blitz and his coworkers.
"Blitz, are you sure this is a good idea?" Moxxie said as they got out of the van. "Competition is good for business after all."
"The whole point of our business is that we have no competition!" Blitz said. "We're supposed to be the only ones that can go up to Earth. So how the fuck are these assholes able to do that too?"
"Maybe they borrowed one like you did in the beginning."
"Yeah, no. I still have the crone in my contacts, and she doesn't have any more grimoires."
"Just please don't start anything against them."
"I'm not gonna start shit. I just wanna ask them some questions."
"Then why'd ya bring me and Mox here?" Millie said.
"Y'know… just in case shit hits the fan and we need to fight them."
"Ya want shit to hit the fan, don't ya?"
Blitz sighed, "Look, I promise I won't cause any trouble. I just need to know how these guys are getting up to Earth. Is that ok?" Moxxie and Millie looked at each other before turning to Blitz and giving him a nod. "Ok, let's go meet these 'Awesome' Assassins."
The moment they entered the front door, they saw a succubus secretary behind a desk with the business' logo above her. "Hello!" the succubus said in a friendly tone. "Welcome to Diago's Awesome Assassins, would you like to schedule an appointment?"
"Like hell I do!" Blitz said before slamming his hands on the desk. "I'm here to see that dickbag you call a boss!"
"Mr. Diago? I'm afraid he's busy with a contract right now. If you want to schedule an appointment, I can-"
"It's ok, Brittany." A voice on the nearby intercom said. "Let them in. My schedule's clear for now."
"Yes, sir." Brittany said with a nod before looking back at Blitz and Co. "Just go into the elevator to your right and it will take you to Diago. Thank you for visiting!"
Blitz replied with a grunt as he and his coworkers went into the elevator. He pushed the only button inside, which had a massive D on it, and once he did, the doors closed and the elevator went up. "Well, that secretary is certainly friendlier than ours." Moxxie said.
"Do NOT compare her to my Loonie!" Blitz snapped. Suddenly, a TV in the elevator turned on, revealing a familiar figure to any denizen of Hell.
"Hi, I'm Katie Killjoy, and you made a smart choice by contracting Diago's Awesome Assassins! Whether it's a cheating husband, your murderer, or a journalist that reported on how shitty you were when you were alive, Diago and his Assassins will give you top quality service! Which is why I give them my endorsement!"
"That bitch!" Blitz shouted. "And I thought we had a connection!"
"What connection?" Millie said. "I ain't ever seen you talk to her."
"Yes, but I thought that since we sounded alike… ok now that I'm saying it out loud it sounds stupid. But still, fuck her!"
Once they reached the top, the door opened, revealing a room with a couple of chairs in front of a desk. Behind this desk was an imp on his chair facing away from them towards a wall-mounted monitor which showed live footage of the lobby. "Welcome to my office, Blitzo!" He said.
Blitz responded, "The O is-"
"Silent, yeah, I know. I don't give a shit." The imp turned his chair around towards the crew, giving them a good look at his fur-collared coat and his emo-band hairstyle. He looked exactly like the imp in the logo. "I'm Diago, no silent letters in that."
"Alright, listen asshole, we've got some words for-" Before Blitz could finish, Moxxie gasped.
"Is that your staff bathroom!?" He said as he pointed to the open door into an impressively clean bathroom next to the elevator. Pure gray with not a single stain on the floor or on the walls.
"Yep." Diago said with a smirk. "I take it by your reaction you're not used to seeing these kinds of bathrooms."
"We have our own." Moxxie said. "But we try our best to avoid it at all costs."
"I'd rather shit outside than use the staff bathroom in our office." Millie said.
Blitz cleared his throat. "Guys, focus!" He then went closer to Diago. "You've got some nerve to shit on me after ripping off my business!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I.M.P had a trademark on killing people."
"You're killing people on Earth, smartass!"
"So what? The only person who seems to be upset about that is you."
"Because you're taking my clients!"
"Hey, it's not my fault that you shut your business down for nearly two months. Maybe you should take the new free time you have from not killing humans to learn how to run a good business."
"You goddamn piece of-"
Moxxie held Blitz back before he could do anything violent. "Blitz, remember why we're here."
"... right." Blitz said as calmed down. "How the fuck are you actually able to get to Earth, anyway?"
"Well, I really shouldn't give away trade secrets to my competitors." Diago said. "Ah, fuck it. It's not like your a threat to me." Diago reached under his desk and pulled out a grimoire to show to Blitz, who upon seeing it recognized it immediately. It was the same grimoire that Stolas gave him to end their arrangement, the same one he threw into the river over the bridge near the freeway before marrying his future husband.
"Oh, shit." Blitz said.
"Yep, and unlike you, I didn't have to fuck a royal to get it."
"Then how the hell did you get it?"
"Now that is a funny story. Once, I was a simple mercenary, serving as a henchman for a wannabe overlord. Unfortunately, he was killed, leaving me out of a job. Down on my luck, I walked along the side of the river near Imp City, silently praying to Satan for something to help me turn my life around. And then what else do I see floating down the river other than this here perfectly intact and not at all soggy grimoire. They must make these water-resistant or something.
"Of course, I had to figure out how it worked, but it wasn't too hard. Once I learned how to say the word on the page in my head, I was opening portals to here and there. Eventually, I saw your ad on the TV and thought, 'I could do that too.' So now I have my own business with my own crew, and thanks to you being on hiatus, my profits have been goin' up."
"Damn it!" Blitz said. "I should've burned that fucking book!" He then looked around the office for this supposed crew of his. "Where's these coworkers you said you have?"
"Oh, they're on a hit right now. But they should be back any-" Just then, the phone on Diago's desk made a buzz. "Speak of the Devil." Diago said after looking at said phone. He then got up and opened the grimoire before putting his hand out. Soon a portal opened up and out came three different demons. One of them was a baphomet, a goat demon, who only wore a bullet-proof vest as a top which had straps of grenades on it. The other was an imp that had short, black hair with a strand of white on the front and an eye patch on their right eye. But the most immediate thing they noticed was their right arm, which was entirely mechanical.
Then there was the tallest of the bunch, a muscular woman with medium red hair and red skin. She wore a sleeveless flannel jacket over a tube-top that revealed her six-pack abs. She also had the skin of a komodo dragon, the head of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion.
"So how did it go?" Diago asked his coworkers.
"It went smooth." The baphomet said. "Ya'd think soldiers on a remote base would be harda' ta kill."
"You guys are just that good. Everyone, I'd like you to meet our competitors!" He pointed at Blitz as he turned to him. "Blitzo, these are my coworkers." He moved closer to the baphomet. "This guy right here is Rufo. He's our demolitions expert, and he loves his job."
"I'd love any job that pays me to blow shit up!" Rufo said.
Diago approached the imp. "This here is Wraith. They don't talk much, but they're good at sneaking up and killing you when you least expect it."
"Mmf." Wraith grunted.
Diago then walked up to the buff woman. "And this is Vi, the strongest member of our little group."
"Sup." Vi said. Suddenly, Blitz noticed Vi's skin, head, and tail. Three different combinations of animals, which only meant one thing.
"You have a fucking chimera!?" Blitz shouted. Chimeras were the rarest and strongest of hellborn demons. Not only did they get unique traits depending on their animal parts, but their skin was immune to sharp penetration and bullets. They were also immune to almost all diseases, both in Hell and on Earth. This made them incredibly sought after as bodyguards or henchmen.
Diago smiled, "Yep, and she's pretty damn useful, ain't you Vi?"
"Sure, I guess." Vi said, clearly uninterested in Diago showing them off in front of their competitors.
"Wow, a chimera!" Millie said. "I thought they were just stories!"
"This definitely puts us at a disadvantage." Moxxie said. As he turned to his left, he saw Wraith standing right next to him with a scowl, startling Moxxie and making him jump back.
"Hey, Moxxie. Hey, Millie." Wraith said, their scowl turning into a smile. "Long time no see."
"Do I know you… wait a minute." Moxxie and Millie looked closer at this imp, and as they did, their face became more and more familiar until they realized who it was.
"Razz!?" The couple shouted. Razz was Millie's elementary school girlfriend and Moxxie's best friend in high school.
"It's Wraith now." They said. "I'm nonbinary."
"O-oh, wow." Millie said. "It's been a while! How've ya been!?" She went over to them and shook their left hand, with Moxxie doing the same.
"I've been alright. So you two are working together at I.M.P.?"
"Much more than that, we're married!" Moxxie said as he put his arm around Millie.
"And we've got two kids!" Millie said as she nuzzled her head up against Moxxie's neck.
Wraith's eye widened. "W-wow, that's a big coincidence."
"What are doing here?" Moxxie said. "I thought you went to join the Hellsguard?"
"Yeah… that didn't work out."
"You know these guys, Wraith?" Diago said as he got in between their conversation. "You talk with them more than I've ever heard you talk to anyone."
"We've known her - er, them - a long time ago." Moxxie said.
"Her?" Diago looked from M&M to Wraith, who's scowl had returned. "So you used to be a chick? Well, well, looks like you and Rufo have something in common." The couple noticed the uncomfortable look on Wraith's face as Diago returned to Blitz.
"I'm so sorry." Moxxie said.
"Don't worry about it." Wraith replied, their smile returning.
"Listen here, you shit." Blitz said to Diago. "Chimera or not, if you think I'm just gonna sit by while you take MY customers, you've got another thing coming."
"Oh really?" Diago said. "What are you going to do about it, you bitch baby?"
Blitz's eyes widened in anger. "What the fuck the did you call me?"
"That's right, you're just a little bitch baby, coming in here and crying about how better I am compared to you. Typical bitch baby behavior."
Millie and Moxxie noticed Blitz was about to pounce on the guy, so they stopped their conversation with Wraith to grab and hold their boss back. He growled like a wild animal as the couple used all of their strength to hold on to him. "Remember your promise!" Moxxie shouted.
Hearing that made Blitz realize what he was doing, so he calmed down enough to let M&M let go of him. "Call me whatever the fuck you want!" Blitz said to Diago. "But I'll make sure that we do so well that your stupid business goes under."
"I'd like to see you try, Bitch Baby." Diago said with his usual smirk. It took all of Blitz's strength to not lash out again as he walked back into the elevator.
"So long, Wraith!" Moxxie said, walking into the elevator with his boss and wife. "I'm sorry we have to be business rivals!"
"It's ok!" Wraith said. "We should hang out sometime after work!"
"That sounds gre-" Millie's was cut off by Blitz hitting the close door button on the elevator, eager to get out of there and work as hard as he could to stick it to this rival of his.