I know I said id update rekindled love first but holy crap I was literally in the middle of class and I couldn't stop thinking about these next couple of chapters. Just an Fyi this chapter is going to be dealing with little bit dark subject matter regarding emotional pain I just wanted to give a heads up in advanced

Chapter 14 two weeks later…

Shade Pov

I wasn't in a very good mood, I felt so empty. It's been like this since it was Spike's birthday… and about that... I may have been looking after him those past few weeks. Who am I kidding? I was stalking him like some freak, It was so wrong but I just had to know if he actually opened the gift. It hurt to see him just toss it to the side even more so when he shared that tender moment with Dawn. There was nothing but disappointment laced with jealousy that day. I felt horrible

These past few weeks have been a real eye-opener, I'm alone and I have no one to blame except for myself. Maybe I was the reason why my friends left. "No that doesn't make sense, they were just like me, they hurt others too" I thought to myself as I flopped to my side only for my stomach to growl in pain. I hadn't been eating or drinking these past few days, I just couldn't all I could do was wallow in guilt and self pity. How many did I hurt back then? I can't even count them all I know is I bullied Spike the most.

I practically felt a dagger pierce my heart when my thoughts came back to him. What was wrong with me? Why did I hurt him? It could've been anyone but him, was it because he was an easy target?

(Flashback)

I was upset then, I took out my anger on him when all I needed was help at the time. I had gotten a pretty bad beating from my father that day plus a run in with a few of my own bullies. Spike and I were bookworms so the both of us had it pretty bad when it came to bullies. None of us knew why fighting was becoming such a bad problem we just saw it as something that was inevitable.

All Spike was trying to do was to check up on me on that day we weren't friends, Spike was pretty introverted and I was too shy around him. I didn't have any friends much like Spike, but I liked being with him when I found out he was just as alone as I was, it felt nice knowing I wasn't the only one. We worked together on most assignments we had. Although we didn't flat out call each other it, I believed we were friends. Eventually I started to feel more when I was with him, but I didn't know what to do, Spike never really showed much of a caring side to him. But now, from what I've overheard from him and Dawn he never had anyone who cared. He probably never knew what the feeling was like.

However one day after a particularly bad fight at home I just snapped, I lashed out on Spike with a shadow ball, I gave it everything I had. I could remember that distinct look of betrayal on his face, he was also tearing up over the pain. Spike wasn't a fighter, he never was, at the time he wasn't even a Jolteon yet, so that blast hurt him badly. But for that brief moment letting all that anger out felt good. Of course I felt bad, I hurt the guy I was crushing on pretty hard. I tried to apologize at that moment but before my paw could get near it he smacked it away causing me to flinch. "Don't touch me! What the hell is wrong with you?!" was all he yelled as he limped away to the nurse's office.

Eventually my scuffle with Spike was the chatter around the school about how "the bookworm was able to fight back" is how they put it. Because of that I wasn't picked on for the rest of the day in fact I was finally shown respect as much as I hate to admit it it felt good. All that because I hurt someone I cared about. Part of me felt bad but the rest didn't want things to go back to the way they were so I began living a lie that I was this big mean Absol until that lie became my reality.

But I needed a way to maintain that image.

I kept going back to Spike to beat him down. I didn't know why then, but it was probably because there was no one I could realistically fight at my level. I got stronger by knocking him out over and over again and because of that I got friends as a result, it took an agonizing year and a half to get strong. Eventually I didn't have to deal with bullies, in fact I was able to fight back and even take blows from my father. But I still had that empty feeling that I would never admit then, I still yearned for him.

Then high school came around, I had Spike in my first period class. He came into the room and at first I couldn't recognize him until I saw his eyes but I was still in disbelief until roll call came. He had just evolved, I remember I was pretty much blushing up a storm when I saw him but I hid my face. The only spot that was left was next to me I was able to see him grimace when he realized he'd be stuck next to me. I tried to get his attention but he just ignored me as if he was looking for literally anything as a distraction, that stung hard. That entire day I just wanted to grow up and tell him how I felt. But after what I had done to him why would he accept those feelings? let alone return them?

At the end of the day I did try to apologize but before I could even get close to him he threw a thunder wave at me paralyzing me instantly. "Stay. away. from me." he growled darkly. Despite the fact I knew he wasn't going to fight me I still flinched. I looked into his displeased eyes and saw it was all an act he was hurt. Instead of trying to break through his mask I stood silent as he walked away looking at his bruised body.

Over time I suppressed my feelings for him and got a boyfriend of my own to try to fill up that void but it never worked. Most of the time any guy I dated would go after Spike and beat him down to a bloody pulp "for me so I wouldn't have to" as they would put. I wanted to tell them to stop but doing that would be showing a form of weakness. My image was practically everything then. But I digress, towards the end of senior year I had just broken up with my third boyfriend. The last school dance was coming up and I didn't have a date, the only one I could realistically ask out at that point was Samuel. But if I was being honest I wasn't interested in him. And yet again I was yearning for Spike despite the fact I hadn't talked to him in years.

I already knew he had no plans on going. I was just going to tell him everything and finally come clean, tell him why I did what I did and just tell him that I still loved him. For that one moment I finally had a reality check. "If he says no fine, even if he hates me for it FINE, I'm so sick of living like this. Why couldn't I just tell him how I felt then?! One day I was just a bookworm like him and all of a sudden I'm acting like some moron. This isn't me. I don't care about any of this stuff, I'm fighting and I don't even like it. I just want-" I cut myself off when I was finally at the library however I saw him holding an Eevee close. For a moment I just wanted to tell her to buzz off but for the first time ever I saw Spike smile… he was happy. Never when I was with him I ever saw him like that. Who was I to take that moment away from him? Little did I know then that it was Dawn and it irks me every time I think about it, because that could have been me if I had just taken a different path.

I remember tearing up. "Damn it" was all I could say as I accepted the fact he was never going to be mine, that this is what I was . With a heavy heart I walked out of the library and ended asking Samuel out that day and we all know how that ended up. Over time again I suppressed my thoughts for him to the point I thought I finally had gotten over him. But then out of nowhere here he comes saving me from a beatdown. And like a scab being ripped off those feelings are back to torment me again. This is who I am, I'm not a good person... part of me wonders if i ever was

(End flashback)

Now I was sobbing. "I have no right to be wallowing in self pity. I deserve this. I hate myself Arceus I hate myself!" Why did he have to help me?! Part of me wanted to blame him for how I was feeling, the guilt and that warm feeling. But I couldn't, I shook my head trying to get rid of those feelings but failed. All I could think of was that last conversation we had. After all that sulking all I managed to do is make him despise me even more. Of course he didn't if he didn't hate me then he definitely does now. I just wanted to roll up into a ball and just die. I have no one and the one I want in my life doesn't want me. My throat burned as I started to cough up bile I was so hungry but I was too weak now besides this is what I wanted. "I'm no good this is what I deserve" Was all I could think as my vision started to blur my consciousness was fading fast before a blacked out I saw a yellow blur quickly approaching.

"S-Spike?"

Spike Pov

Originally I had planned to come here to return the gift Shade had given me. I didn't want to open it because I just knew there was romantic intent behind it and I told her I wanted to stay loyal to Dawn. Seriously have no idea when she started to feel this way towards me or why she likes me considering our history but here I am. I talked about it with Dawn and she suggested I try talking to her one more time. I won't lie I was hesitant to the idea, Shade has kind of been creeping me out recently, she found out where I lived and also knew about my birthday despite the fact I never told anyone. I was about to say hi when I saw her collapse "Shade?!" Was all I could call out as I ran to her side. She was barely able to utter my name.

"Arceus what the hell happened?" was all I could think before a vile scent hit my nostrils… bile. I looked at her form, she looked thinner than what I remembered. How many days has she gone without food?

"Shade what-" I cut myself off as I realized she blacked out I was scared for her in that one moment. "Nononono-" I started to mutter as I pressed my head against her chest as i heard her heart beat her breathing was so feint. I ran off as fast as I could to find Oran berries. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared, she needed food and water fast I didn't even know how much time she had if any. Luckily there was a tree nearby sprouting plenty of healthy berries. I kicked it multiple times to shake some off as I ran back to her. I tried feeding it to her but it was like she was subconsciously rejecting it. Did she do this to herself? Is this my fault? I was starting to tear up. I didn't know why, why I couldn't get a grip. I mashed up the berries and gently urged her to swallow the berry mush. I'm no doctor like Dawn but I wasn't just going to sit by and do nothing. "I'm not going to let you die, I swear I'm not going to let you die…" Was all i could whisper as I held her close

To be continued

This arc I had in my head for a few years at this point what's funny is for the original version of this story I had published way back in 2014 shade was supposed to be just a friend and maybe eventually lover (I had it narrowed between three characters at the time) for spike but she didn't have any character qualities aside from just being spikes friend. Also this has to be a record in terms of how quickly I've done a chapter haven't done an update this fast since I originally published this story like I seriously wrote this all in a hour. Anyways I do hope you guys liked this chapter (well i don't know about like this chapter felt depressing to write) next chapter with be about healing wounds til next time

-The Ultimate Spiderman