Emma
There's nothing I would love more than having you in my corner, Emma.
That sentence, paired with the soft smile it had been delivered with, might be the demise of Emma's sanity.
Not that she had much of it lately if she were being honest.
Especially not when it came to Killian Jones.
She had somehow managed to outrageously flirt with him culminating in a kiss (and oh, what a kiss it was) only to end up in a screaming match with him less than 24 hours later.
And even though they had somewhat cleared the air now, she couldn't quite forget the rage and fear she had felt that afternoon when he had calmly explained his plan with no regards whatsoever for his own life. Never mind the fact that she could tell he was withholding information. It was definitely concerning what he was hiding from her considering how moronic the information he actually chose to share was.
That self-sacrificing bastard.
Oh, but she wanted to kill him!
She simply wasn't sure if she wanted to do it before or after she had wrapped him in some protective bubble wrap and locked him up somewhere.
It was so stupid, how he had seemingly built a life here in Storybrooke, in more ways than she ever had, and still didn't seem to fully believe he belonged here and deserved to be protected. He had done so much for the town, had continued to do so long after she left, and yet he only saw himself as nothing but a pirate and not the hero she knew him to be.
Emma fought the niggling of guilt that rose up in her. She now could admit that some of his doubts might have been exacerbated by her actions, or sometimes lack of them. Her continuous dismissiveness, her forced nonchalance and sarcasm, all meant to keep him away, had worked and done more damage than she ever would have wanted it to.
And yet…
There's nothing I would love more than having you in my corner, Emma.
She had set a step in the right direction tonight when it came to that, but she couldn't help but feel that it was too little too late.
Just like maybe, that kiss had been a little too late too.
Emma quietly let herself in to her parents loft careful not to make any sound, something that had been happening more and more lately, especially since Leo's birth, highlighting the need to find a new place soon.
This time however, she was not scared of waking up her little brother, though that certainly needed to be a consideration, but of running into her parents before she could process everything that had happened that day.
Last time David and Mary Margaret had seen her she had been furiously screaming at Killian with tears in her eyes and had stormed out rather violently out of the police station.
Just thinking of the lights that had burst in her wake had her flushing in embarrassment. If she didn't see them for a week, it might still not even be enough.
Because they wouldn't drop this, they would want to discuss her erratic behavior lately and they would not let her hide behind her walls, and honestly, she might not want them to at this point.
Emma would rather not think about it, let alone talk to her parents of it, but she was pretty certain that if she didn't tell someone about all these feelings she could not push away, she would combust spontaneously.
So of course, her mother was standing in the kitchen, seemingly waiting for her as she calmly prepared two mugs of hot chocolate.
"Mary Margaret! Fancy meeting you here," stuttered Emma.
"I live here," remarked Mary Margaret, raising a brow as she sprinkled some cinnamon on top.
"I kissed Hook!"
"Oh. before or after you yelled at him at the station?" asked a bemused Mary Margaret, not even skipping a beat at her daughter's sudden declaration.
"Before, at the bar last night actually," muttered Emma, shifting her weight nervously.
She still could not explain what she had been thinking when she did, which probably would not be conducive to this conversation.
She had wanted to kiss him so badly, felt like she would burn if she didn't, and so she did.
And now, while she didn't exactly regret the kiss, she wasn't sure it had been a good idea.
Running away certainly had not been.
"Is that why you left suddenly last night without even saying a word to your father and I?" inquired Snow knowingly as she pushed a mug towards Emma and sat down with her own.
"Maybe?" admitted a sheepish Emma, as she sat down at the counter and reached for the chocolate mug her mother offered her.
"I thought you were done running," whispered Snow softly.
"I am! But it's not that simple."
"Then explain it to me, darling, make it simple. "
Emma floundered for a moment, looking for the right words that would explain her feelings and mindset, without hurting her mother's feelings. As much as she wanted to have her friend Mary Margaret here, and in some ways, she still did, it wasn't as if she could say whatever she wanted as she once did.
She wasn't afraid anymore to admit she loved all versions of her mother and that meant taking her feelings into consideration too.
It had begun to dawn on Emma just how difficult it was for Snow to try to reconcile the role of mother and friend, to have the consideration to be there without smothering Emma.
"With you and Dad and Henry, it's different. I ran and kept my walls up, yes, but it was less hard to deny that I loved you all. It might have taken me a while and maybe I'm still not the best at showing you but I know I cared for you all. I just - "stuttered Emma, before taking a deep breath and continuing. "The walls I built when Neal left were very specific, you know. And while they might have worked to keep you at arm's length, they weren't made for you. They weren't made to keep away this type of love, at least not at its core. What happened with Neal - "
"What happened with Neal?" interrupted Snow suddenly.
"What? What do you mean what happened with Neal? You were there," exclaimed Emma, confused.
"No, Emma. I mean, what happened with Neal when we weren't there? You never actually told us and I'd like to understand."
Emma was left momentarily speechless as she tried to call back any conversation, she might have had with one or both of her parents about her past with Neal and drew a blank.
She was sure at the time she had had her reasons not to tell them, probably to protect Henry. But Henry knew the truth now, the fake life Regina had built for them had made sure of it.
And Neal was dead.
And as much as it had hurt to lose another person she had once loved and still cared for, Emma had felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders when he died.
So, she sighed and told her mother about finding the car and meeting Neal at just seventeen. About the cons they pulled and the hotel rooms they broke into. About Tallahassee and dreaming of a home she had never had the luxury to have. About the watches and betrayal that cut so deep before even finding out about Henry and giving birth handcuffed to a bed in a prison hospital.
Never holding him, never seeing his face.
Emma talked of a swan pendant and all the promises she hung on it; of never trusting again, never loving again, and never being in a position where she could be left behind again.
By the end of it they're both crying but Emma felt herself become lighter and lighter the more she shared and so the tears were of relief more than anything else.
"My beautiful darling daughter. Oh. I am so sorry Emma!"
"It's not your fault, Mom. You weren't even there," hiccupped Emma.
"But I should have been! And when I was all, I did was push you towards him in the name of True Love and what not, and even when it was clear you weren't comfortable, I persisted!" cried Mary Margaret.
"Mom, it's okay. You didn't know and either way, I forgive you, so you have to stop crying now," declared Emma firmly, even as tears continued to roll down her own face.
"I do have to say, I am so relieved we didn't name Leo after Neal after all. Can you imagine what your father would have done if we did?" mused her mother, wiping her tears away.
At that, mother and daughter looked at one another and promptly burst into giggles.
"Okay, so you kissed Killian," started Snow once they had both calmed down some considerable time later.
"Yes," replied Emma much too soberly for how she had been giggling less than a minute ago.
"And you then ran away only to yell at him the next time you saw him," summarized her mother with a grimace.
"Uhm, well when you put it that way -" sputtered Emma.
"Regardless of what you want to do when it comes to that kiss, you have to apologize to him first Emma," asserted Snow firmly.
"I know, Mom," whined Emma. "I already did! Or well, I sort of did?"
Her mother simply raised an eyebrow, silently asking her to explain.
"I saw him at the Academy just now. And while I might not have explicitly apologized for my comments this afternoon, because I am right and his plan is one the worst, most idiotic things I've ever - "
"Emma!" admonished Snow.
"You know I'm right! And Dad also seemed to think so! Sure, he was more diplomatic than me but I know he agrees with me!" said Emma vehemently.
"That is not the point right now, darling," sighed Snow, knowing her daughter was right. She wouldn't call David's own raised voice and expletives that afternoon diplomatic but she supposed that compared to Emma he had been a paragon of calmness.
"Well, the point is I extended an olive branch tonight and I think I cleared the air between us," continued Emma.
"So, you discussed the kiss?" informed Mary Margaret shrewdly.
"No," said Emma, trying and failing to hide her blush.
"Then how can you say the air is cleared between you?"
"Well, because - "stuttered Emma, staring at her mother with her mouth open as more words failed to come.
Snow sighed, taking pity of her daughter and extending a soft smile and a hand towards her to hold.
"Let me tell you something about Killian Jones I have learned in the last few months, Emma. Killian Jones, and not Captain Hook, because I've realized his persona is diametrically opposed on many things to who he really is," clarified Snow. "He is a proud and sometimes arrogant man, but also strangely vulnerable and timid, and a good leader," she continued. "He is a good friend and an excellent sparring partner; he gives good advice and listens better than anyone else I've ever vented to. He might have once tried to disguise it behind his swagger and swashbuckling tales but he is a kind, loyal, noble man who may falter at times but manages to always follow a moral compass that points him toward redemption."
Emma could not help the tears that gradually began trickling down as Snow continued. Because she was right, Killian was all of these things and more.
He was wonderful and charming and good and if her own mother had not only seen all of this but acknowledged it, especially considering how they had met in the Enchanted Forest, then someone else surely had.
It was silly, she knew, to feel jealous of anyone that had had his time and attention, even her own mother, when she had willingly left him behind.
"I know all of this, mom. I saw it long before you did," hiccupped Emma, failing to leave the petulant note out of her voice.
"Then you also must know Emma, that he sees none of this. He reminds me of you, you know. He has built these walls, similar to yours, around himself and his heart that he is unable to look over them and face his own reflection. He remembers every single bad thing he has even done and beats himself for it, even for the ones he has already atoned for a thousand times over. Even for the ones that weren't his fault," voiced Mary Margaret, touching Emma's shoulder gently.
"That sort of sounds familiar," chuckled Emma wetly.
"I would imagine it does, darling. But the thing about Killian is that he lowered these walls that he had been building for centuries, for you, and I don't think for one second that the regrets it. But that doesn't mean that it has not cost him, that it has not hurt him," said Mary Margaret in a hushed tone, knowing it would be hard but necessary for her daughter to hear.
"You're saying I hurt Hook the way I am scared to be hurt," whispered Emma brokenly, knowing her mother was right.
He had lost his brother and Milah along with his hand, centuries ago, and she had acted as if she had a monopoly on emotional scars around him.
"Yes, I am. But, darling, that doesn't have to mean what you think it means. I hurt your father, and he hurt me, deeply, but we managed to not only move past it but learn from it too."
"That was different, it was during the curse and you're True Love and - "
"I am not talking about what happened here in Storybrooke, though that did hurt too, I am talking about before we even had True Love's Kiss. But that's not the point I am trying to make Emma," interjected Snow.
"Then what is?"
"If Killian could lower his walls for you, don't you think you owe it to him and to yourself to try and lower yours for him in return? Who knows what you might get out of it, duckling, and I have a feeling you won't regret it."
"I want to, I really do but I just - "Emma paused, restarting again as her mother squeezed her hand. "I don't know how to do that. I have this feeling that what I had with Neal is nothing to what I could have with Hook, and I know that's not necessarily a bad thing but I don't know what to do around him."
"How about you start with calling him by his name?"
"EMMA!"
"EMMA, WAKE UP!"
"EMMA, YOU NEED TO WAKE UP!"
She scrambled out of bed as she heard David scramble up the stairs to her room. She didn't need to see his face to know something was wrong. She could already feel it.
Killian.
"What happened?" demanded Emma as she wrenched the door open to find her father reaching the landing. He was still in pajamas, as was she, and his panicked eyes and pale face made her stomach lurch.
"Dad, what happened?" hissed Emma when he failed to answer her immediately.
"There was an attack at the docks. Killian's sentries - "
"David" whispered Emma, tears already sliding down her face.
"He's alive, Emma. The sentries got to him in time and Regina and Tink have been informed. They'll heal him," assured David, drawing her into a hug.
"Now, you don't have to come. I can - "
"You have a minute to change clothes and meet me downstairs, I'm driving," interrupted Emma, closing the door before her father could argue.
There was nothing he could say to make her stay either way, there existed no world in which she would not rush to Killian's side.
The drive to the docks passed in a blur, figuratively and quite literally in some places as she'd sped off the empty streets of Storybrooke, ignoring her father's reprimands.
She didn't remember parking the car, or getting out, time seemed to start only when she gazed upon Kilian's prone figure on the docks.
She watched as Regina waved her hands over Killian's body frantically as she rattled off ingredients to Tink who scrambled to gather them. Emma absurdly wondered whether Regina kept all these things in an emergency witch kit or whether she had assembled it all in a rush when she got the frantic call that had gone out.
That only added another reason to panic to her long list.
What if Regina couldn't save him because she was missing something? Or simply because they were too late?
David must have seen the sheer terror on her face because he gave her a soft smile before stepping up to her shaking frame and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Tears welled in her eyes as he cradled her head and pulled her close to press a firm kiss to the top of her head. She allowed him without a fight, subconsciously leaning into his warmth and fatherly comfort, closing her eyes briefly.
"It'll be fine, Emma. He will be fine," declared David, as if a royal decree would determine Killian's survival.
She listened to his words, soaking in her father at her side. For once, it was not overwhelming or uncomfortable. It felt like being home.
It came as no surprise then...
"Dad, I think… I think I might be falling in love with him."
David raised his eyebrows at her sudden declaration but she could also see that he was trying hard to hold back a smirk, but he held it in and squeezed her harder to his side.
"Well, duckling, I guess that leaves me to be the first one to congratulate you on being the last one to find out."
Emma felt as if she had lived multiple lives in one night by the time, they had managed to move Killian's body to the hospital and settled him into a private room.
David had tried to take her home but Emma knew there was no sleep to be had either way, better she spent the night awake watching over Killian than at home tossing and turning.
She greeted the two guards at the door with a nod and a smile and softly opened the door to Killian's hospital room, only to bit back a curse as she was met with not one but two people in the room.
Was it too much to ask for a moment alone with him, even if he would have been unconscious?
Emma sheepishly smiled at Robin, who sat near the window reading a magazine and did not seem surprised to see her. He didn't seem to be actively guarding Killian but Emma knew his bow would not be far.
She was left awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, unsure whether she should leave or stay and brave the awkwardness.
And she didn't want to leave at all.
The doctor standing next to Killian's bed chose that moment to step back and smile reassuringly at Robin and Emma. Alana, she believed her name was, one of Ariel's sisters who had chosen to visit and then ended up staying in Storybrooke, curious of what the Land Without Magic had to offer a fairytale character seeking a happily ever after.
"I will come by to check on him in a couple of hours but his vitals give me hope to believe he will awaken come morning," said Alana, glancing softly at Killian before blushing and quickly excusing herself.
"Thank you, Dr. Thalassos. We'll see you in the morning," replied Robin kindly.
Emma turned to look at her departing figure quizzically before turning back to Robin somewhat apprehensively.
It wasn't as if she disliked him. She knew her father was good friends with him and Regina was absolutely besotted with the man as much as she tried to hide it. Henry had nothing but nice things to say about him and the few interactions she had with him had been fine.
That didn't stop his presence from making her unsettled. Long before tonight she had seen Robin look at her and Killian in a way that made her feel as if he knew something she didn't. There had been a sort of understanding and sympathy in his eyes that had confused her, and continued to do so as he smiled softly at her with that same look in his eyes and offered her the seat closest to the hospital bed.
David was good friends with Robin, yes. But it was clear to Emma that Robin might be one of Killian's closest friends.
And that probably meant he knew things, things maybe she could only guess at.
She had not forgotten the heated discussion between the two the night Killian had been attacked in his home weeks ago.
Gods, had it only been weeks?
This was the second direct attack to Killian in less than a month, and they were no closer to catching Davy Jones or devising a plan to do so.
They didn't even know what had happened tonight for sure, and wouldn't until Killian woke up.
If he woke up, whispered a traitorous voice in the back of her mind.
A claw of panic gripped her and she turned to analyze his sleeping form to try and calm her racing thoughts. He looked so peaceful and young in his sleep, even though he still carried a certain weariness to his face. Emma guessed the last couple of weeks had taken a toll that even slumber could not fully diminish.
She had almost lost him tonight; she could feel it in her bones. And yet, she'd never had him.
So much had happened lately and she understood so little.
But Robin… Robin might have some answers.
"What happened to the Jolly Roger?" blurted Emma suddenly, disturbing the comforting silence they had found themselves in. In the grand scheme of things, maybe it should not have been her first question but Emma hated when people kept secrets from her and this was the one secret that had evaded her constantly, before she had even left for New York.
Robin slowly turned to look at her, clearly assessing whether he should tell her or not. It struck Emma then that he did not seem surprised at her question. In fact, the sigh he let out made it seem to Emma as if he had been preparing to be confronted with it at some point.
Was she really that transparent or had Killian warned him against her curiosity?
"Killian, and even your father might disagree with me on this but I do believe it is about time someone told you," sighed Robin as he straightened in his chair and leaned towards her.
He had traded his ship.
For her.
The Jolly Roger.
His home of centuries.
For her.
Emma had been in a daze for hours, running what Robin had revealed to her through her mind, trying and failing to make sense of it all. He had been subtle, trying to frame the story as Killian doing something altruistic for the sake of saving everyone's lives by trading his ship for a magic bean to get to the Savior to save the town from Zelena's curse.
But Emma knew enough to read between the lines.
I came back to save you.
Isn't that what he had said that night in New York?
And she had known he was speaking the truth, her lie detector had never been triggered, not once, but she had been able to delude herself somehow.
Had been so selfish and cruel that she had dismissed every heartfelt look, every vulnerability he showed, every feeling he hinted at.
Mary Margaret was right; she had hurt him in the exact same way she had feared to be hurt.
He probably hated her for it and he had every right to.
And yet…
There's nothing I would love more than having you in my corner, Emma.
Maybe he didn't hate her, maybe he was willing to be her friend despite everything, but Emma couldn't imagine him still wanting her after everything she'd put him through.
But when you kissed him, he kissed you back… whispered that traitorous voice in her head that was starting to sound suspiciously like her mother.
He had kissed her back, yes, but she had run away.
Which was probably for the best, as she didn't deserve him.
Killian Jones was a good man, he might not even believe it, but he was a good man and Emma, who had known all along, had just refused to admit it.
He would have never set her up for a crime he had committed, would have never left her behind pregnant with his child.
He wouldn't leave her.
He wasn't that kind of man.
And she had treated him as if he were.
Emma sighed and glanced at the clock as it approached six in the morning. Robin was snoring softly in the corner and guards still stood outside, very much awake and alert after a new shift had taken over around three in the morning. She probably should have gone home around then or even after Robin revealed the truth to her or when he had fallen asleep to her shocked silence. She had several opportunities to leave the room and process what her mind still couldn't wrap around.
But even now, weary and sleepy as she was, she couldn't bring herself to do so. Killian had not awakened or even moved all night, not even once, and there was a building panic inside her that he never would. Thrice she had gotten up to check his breathing even as the monitor showed his steady heartbeat and thrice it had failed to calm her when she saw the rise of his chest and felt his breath on her fingertips.
She needed him to wake up.
She didn't know what she would do if he didn't, just as much as she didn't know what she would do if he did.
In the end, it was her who woke up to him guarding her.
"You're awake," spluttered Emma, sitting up hurriedly.
"Aye, and so are you. You shouldn't have slept on that lumpy armchair on my account, lass. You'll be sore all week," murmured Killian. He still looked pale and weary but the fact that he was sitting up lifted Emma's spirits more than anything else.
"It's fine. I didn't get much sleep anyway, so I doubt I'll be that sore," retorted Emma.
"Somehow that makes me feel even worse," he sighed. The way he gazed at her intently made her skin warm and she scrambled to break the moment.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like someone tried to murder me," he joked, his smile vanishing quickly at Emma's glare.
"I'll call the doctor - "
"There's no need, love. Dr. Thalassos has already checked up on me, you just missed her and Robin leaving," Killian reassured her.
Was it her or did he look shifty?
The sudden thought struck her that he might have heard her and Robin last night, but she quickly dismissed it, he had seemed too out of it then and seemed to be too calm for that now.
But it was too late for logic to catch up with her, the panic of discussing what she now knew sending her into a spiral and even though there were things she wanted to say, wanted to ask and understand, her brain went into fight or flight mode.
"Well, since you are looking fine and the doctor confirmed you are doing fine then I guess everything is fine and - "
"Swan, slow down. What - "
" - so, I guess my presence here, guarding you, isn't needed anymore - "Emma continued to ramble.
"Guarding me?" questioned a perplexed Killian.
"But I am needed down at the station, so I'll be seeing you around. Or not, that's fine too. Everything's fine. Bye."
And without another word, she walked right out of his room, leaving a perplexed Killian behind, still sitting on his hospital bed.
"Emma?" questioned David as she hurriedly entered the station, scrambling to her desk in search for something to do. "Weren't you at the hospital with Killian?"
"Hmm?" hummed Emma distractedly, trying to avoid her father's gaze. "Yeah, but he is awake now and he's like, you know, all fine and I thought you'd need my help more," she muttered.
"I wasn't aware you stayed at the hospital all night just to offer your help," questioned David, raising his eyebrows at her.
"Dad, please, I can't do this right now," protested Emma, throwing herself onto her desk chair and covering her face with her hands dramatically.
"Emma, at the docks, you said - "
"He traded his ship for me!" she snapped exasperatedly, knowing her dad wouldn't drop it.
"Oh," breathed David, the fight seemingly leaving him. "He told you."
"No, he didn't. And neither did you! Robin did," retorted Emma, suddenly feeling the betrayal of her parents knowing and choosing to keep this huge thing from her.
"I told you several times it was not my secret to tell Emma. And it wasn't Robin's either for that matter. Killian made it very clear that he did not want you to know and I chose to respect his wishes, even if I disagreed with him and his reasons. It was - "
"It was stupid! He should have not done that and - "
"I was not done talking, Emma Elizabeth," scolded David with a glower, stopping Emma in her tracks completely. She could count on one hand the number of times that David had raised his voice at her and still have some fingers left.
"What Killian did, was heroic and selfless and brave. And yes, you might have been his main motivation. But the whole town benefitted of it. Not only did we stop Zelena but got to come back to a town we all dearly missed. Believe it or not, many people did not appreciate being back in the Enchanted Forest after living in the Land Without Magic. We are all grateful for the sacrifices that he made," continued David.
He approached his sullen daughter and put a hand on her shoulder consolingly.
"I know it might be hard to digest for you, but I believe you have berated that man enough about his decisions to last him another lifetime, don't you think so?"
Emma closed her eyes and leaned back into her father's touch, not wanting to see the reassuring gaze she knew he was giving her.
"I just - I don't want him to resent me for it," she whispered as she hugged herself.
"Well, then, you can rest assured, darling. Because he would never do that," promised David, leaning to kiss her forehead.
Emma could only frown at his retreating back as he went back to his desk and left her to her swirling thoughts.
Hours ticked by, each one seemingly stretching into eternity, and Emma couldn't shake the nagging doubt that lingered in the recesses of her mind.
She replayed the conversation she had with Robin, and later her father, over and over again. She tried to find solace in her father's assurances, but they rang increasingly hollow with each repetition.
She knew he meant well but to her his words seemed like nothing more than empty promises, spoken to placate her fears rather than address them.
But even he if had tried to address them, she knew it wouldn't have been enough to settle her.
Because there was only one man that could address her doubts, and it wasn't David nor Robin. It was Killian.
Emma pounded on the door furiously, knowing full well that she was making a mistake. The light on the wall flickered and it was just another sign that she shouldn't be there.
She was too emotional, too upset and too irrational to make sense of her feelings, let alone her actions.
But when she had called the hospital from the precinct to covertly check in on Killian before ending her shift and had been told he had discharged himself against doctors' orders she had seen red.
And while the thought of him alone and vulnerable at home the day after he had been attacked had spurred her to get in her car and the break traffic laws, she was supposed to uphold, it was not the reasons for why she was now pounding desperately on his door.
Because she had spent all day mulling on Robin's words, Killian's actions and her own feelings over and over again until she drove herself crazy.
Because it didn't make sense. None of it did.
The door suddenly flung open right as she lifted her hand once again to knock, revealing a very disheveled and exasperated Killian Jones. His hair was tousled, his feet were bare and he only wore a pair of black sweatpants and the brace for his hook. It was the second time she ever saw him without his signature eyeliner, and despite the fierce look he gave her as he opened the door, it still made him look much younger and soft.
Emma tried to dismiss her surprise at his appearance before she strode in to his home without even an inkling of an invitation and whirled on him, averting her eyes from his broad chest. If she let his lack of shirt distract her, she would never get the answers she was here for.
"You traded your ship for me?"
"Well, come right in Swan. It's not like I'm recovering from a bloody attack on my person or anything," snarked Killian, not seeming surprised with the question but clearly not open to address it either.
"Do not play coy with me right now, Killian. You traded your ship for me?" demanded Emma, clenching her fists by her side.
"I traded my ship for a magic bean," quipped Killian.
"To get to me!" said Emma, raising her voice.
'Aye, so what of it?" retorted Killian, crossing his arms defensively and drawing Emma's eyes to his impressive biceps.
She looked away, needing a moment to process the thought and the rush of heat the sight gave her. The way he said it so casually as if it didn't reveal so much of his heart to admit to such a gesture made her flush.
She seemed to regain her ability to form coherent words as she sputtered at his admission.
"But why... why did you never say anything?" she questioned, only the tiniest hint of reproach in her voice.
"For what purpose?" he threw back at her calmly. "Putting even more pressure on you? Making you feel guilty or somehow indebted to me?"
He tilted his head, looking at her intensely, as if he could see all the way to the bottom of her soul, where her deepest fears and insecurities were located.
"Giving you even more reason to run?" he continued, as serene and calm as anyone could be given the circumstances.
"I asked you! Repeatedly I might add, and you chose to withhold the truth! You know how much I hate being lied to!"
"Are we really doing this right now, Emma? It doesn't matter," exhaled Killian with furrowed brows.
"Like hell it doesn't matter!" protested Emma, throwing her hands in the air. "Why did you do it Killian, and why am I just now finding out about it after having to hear it from fucking Robin Hood and not you?" she snapped.
"First of all, he shouldn't have told you. And secondly, you weren't ready to hear it! Not then and clearly not now either," grunted Killian, the calm facade he had tried to hold on to clearly slipping by the minute. "Yes, I did it for you, Emma. I traded the Jolly Roger for you and if I had told you that you would have run even faster than you did when Zelena was defeated," he hissed, leaning into her personal space.
"I'm not running now, am I? I am right here in front of you in case you haven't noticed," snarled Emma, moving in closer to him as if to prove her point.
"You and I know damn well that there are other ways to run from someone that don't involve putting physical distance between them. You coming here and yelling at me, it is just another way for you to run away from your feelings, Swan."
"You don't know that! Who the hell do you think you are acting like - like you fucking know me!" shouted Emma, becoming aware of the flickering lights in the room.
"Yes, I do, Emma! I do! Because I know you, and you know I do," hissed Killian, getting precariously close to her. "That's why you run! Because you know I can see you and read you like an open book and that scares you. And as for who I am. I am the bloody fool who is left behind to pick up the pieces when you leave!" growled Killian, suddenly moving away from her.
He was right.
Of course, he was right.
Killian had given up everything for her. That was the thought that kept echoing in her brain. He'd given up his ship, his home, his most prized possession. He'd given it to a man he hated, all so that he could get back to her, knowing she wouldn't even remember him. All to bring her back to her family. Her home.
And what had she done? She'd scorned him and pushed him away, denied her feelings and run away from them and from him the first chance she got.
No wonder he was so hurt.
He should be angry, she thought in disgust, he should hate her.
She knew he didn't but deep down, she wished he did. Maybe then he would see she wasn't worth all that he did.
Maybe his anger would be easier to face than his love.
Deep down, she was still a scared little girl who never felt as if she was enough.
But she wanted to be more than that.
She knew he saw her, all of her and the possibilities of who she could be if she let all this pain and hurt go. And so, she finally dared ask him the question that had been plaguing her all day.
The real reason why she stood there in his living room.
"Do you regret it?"
Her voice was barely a whisper but from the way he stiffened, she knew her words had reached him. The fight seemed to leave his body and he turned to her and held her eyes with a solemn gaze. A crooked smile, softer than she had ever seen, broke across his face briefly.
"No," breathed Killian softly.
"I don't believe you, how could you not?" whispered Emma, shaking her head.
Once again that connection flashed between them, as it had on the beanstalk, after the Dark Hollow, before that kiss... Hook's shoulders relaxed and his lips curled into a smile. A softer smile, open and earnest and with no hint of flirtation in it. A smile that dimpled his cheeks and crinkled the corners of his eyes in a way that should not be as attractive as it was. His voice was soft as well, and low, sending warmth tingling across her skin.
"Emma Swan."
She knew what he was going to say, knew it deep in her soul, and yet it took her breath away all the same.
"I am in love with you. I have been in love with you for a very long time and will be for an even longer time. That is why I would never regret anything that brought me closer to you, no matter in what capacity."
And she had been right, seconds ago, because his anger had indeed been easier to face than his love.
As the weight of his words settled on her, Emma felt a familiar ache in her chest, a pang of fear and uncertainty that she had hoped to overcome but found herself unable to shake. Shame washed over her, heavy and suffocating, as she struggled to meet his gaze, her own eyes darting away, unable to bear the intensity of the truth of his feelings for her.
In that moment, she realized that while she might have faced and slain dragons, there was no slaying in love, no easy victory to be had. And as Killian took one step towards her, hand reached out to touch her, she couldn't help but flinch away, unable to confront the depth of her own feelings, unable to face the truth that lay between them.
And once again, and not for the first time that day, Emma Swan walked away when she should have stayed.