Chapter 119
Contra vim mortis non crescit herba in hortis
"No herb grows in the garden against death"

"And now that you don't have to be perfect,
you can be good."
—East of Eden

Kagome stared at the window as the shinidamachu floated by, and every bit of her innards shriveled up at the sight of them.

Everyone had said that Kikyo was fine and that she's good now, but that didn't stop the fear creeping up in her being.

And Inuyasha—

He was standing there, watching. He'd said that he loved her, and Kagome wanted to believe him wholeheartedly, but there was still that little voice that said that he meant it, but she'd still be second best when it came to Kikyo.

Kagome was never meant to be the first.

That was the way that things had always win—and she was afraid they always would be.

Inuyasha stood in front of her, and Kagome wished that she hadn't seen the floating serpents.

"Kikyo?" Kaede asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

They said that she was good, but Kagome wasn't ready to face her. Kagome wasn't ready to see the rage on her face, the look of betrayal as she saw Inuyasha with her again.

"You—You should go," Kagome whispered, and he spun on his heel to look down at her. The look he gave her was full of anger, and she wasn't prepared for it. Not from him at least.

"Oh no, you don't," he said, squatting down to meet her eye to eye, which she promptly looked away as the guilt rose like bile in the back of her throat. She couldn't really looked at him. "We fucking talked about this, Kagome. If I go, you go."

"Sango and I will go and see what she wants," Miroku said, grabbing his staff. The tell-tale jingling of the rings echoed in the small space as he moved.

"As will I," Kaede said, following the two out the door. Inuyasha watched them go over her shoulder.

"She came here to see you, not me," Kagome whispered. "You should go."

He glanced over his shoulder, and while it would kill her to see him go, he deserved to see the woman he loved while she was here. She'd come all this way, after all.

Inuyasha turned back to her, staring at her with nothing short of irritation and frustration, and it made her want to curl up and disappear into the floor.

"Fine," he said with a clear undertone of anger. "That's what you want?" He asked, and she stared at the floor and nodded, even as the bile rose in her throat at the thought of him leaving. Her stomach churned and roiled and maybe she could just crawl into her sleeping bag and cry it out before everyone got back. "Fine."

Hands slipped under her and around her, hoisting her off the ground.

"What are you doing?" Kagome shouted, hands already gripping his arms as he carried her.

"I told you. If I go, you go with me."

"But—"

"No more secrets, Kagome." He walked towards the door, and her hands clenched in to his haori as he walked out of the hut.

"Inuyasha!"

He stopped walking and looked down at her, eyeing her with a look that she couldn't quite place. Something between irritation and teasing.

"What? You want me to go see what's happening, and I'm not leaving you here alone—"

"Shippo's here!"

"Shippo followed Miroku and Sango out the door."

Kagome internally winced. She hadn't seen him leave either.

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh,'" Inuyasha mocked. "Come on, if anything, Kikyo will probably want to apologize in person."

He moved towards the shrine where the serpents flew through the air, circling around where Kikyo was staying.

The closer she got, the more that Kagome felt the anxiety rise up inside her.

"Inuyasha, please, just leave me in the hut," she said, pointing back towards Kaede's home. She couldn't do this. She couldn't face Kikyo and just—risk seeing things.

"I am absolutely not leaving you alone. You have a tendency to be kidnapped."

She started to argue that she did not have a propensity for being kidnapped, but the reality was that she'd been kidnapped more in the past few weeks than she ever had before. So maybe she did.

But she didn't want to go. She wanted to stay in the hut, where she wasn't around Kikyo, where she could hide.

She'd even take hiding out in the trees. Just set her on a high branch, so she'd couldn't do anything and just leave her there. She just didn't want to be there right in front of her.

Everyone said that she was better, but Kagome wasn't willing to risk it.

"Inuyasha," Kagome started.

"You trust me?" He asked, carrying her a few paces after Kaede. The serpents led them up to the shrine, and he paused on the stairs waiting for her answer.

"Yeah," she answered, but it sounded weak, even to her, and she winced at it.

"Okay then," he said, ignoring the timidness in her voice. "Then trust that I'm not letting anything happen to you."

Kagome still grabbed onto his haori, clenching it in his fingers, as he held her close against him.

She did trust him, but that didn't erase everything that had happened in the months prior or the fact that Kikyo had sought her out personally to practically torment and torture. Those things weren't easy to forget.

But she believed wholeheartedly that Inuyasha would keep her safe. He wouldn't lie to her, and he seemed to genuinely believe that Kikyo had changed for the better, so maybe she could trust that he knew what they were walking into.

She had to believe that he knew what he was talking about when it came to Kikyo.

Despite all that, Kagome still wasn't ready to face Kikyo and hear Inuyasha say that he still loved her or that he still wished to die with her.

"You're gonna cramp your fingers if you squeeze any harder," Inuyasha told her, lightly kissing her hair. She looked at her hands which had white knuckled a handful of haori.

"Sorry," she mumbled, only relinquishing her grip a little. Letting go wasn't an option. It was too risky.

"Don't be," he said as he cleared the top step and paused.

Kagome turned slowly to see Kikyo sitting on the wooden shrine steps.

A weak smile broke across the priestess's face as she looked at Inuyasha, and Kagome's heart clenched at the sight of it. She should've fought harder to stay in the hut.

"Kikyo," Kaede said, standing a few steps away from the clay creature formed in the face of her own sister. Her voice wasn't angry, but she didn't sound thrilled either. "Ye have come for a reason, I suppose?"

"I wanted to say goodbye to my little sister," Kikyo said, reaching a hand out to her. The hand shook slightly as Kaede took a step forward to grasp onto her sister's hand. "I wanted to come back home and apologize."

Kaede said nothing but let out a long sigh.

"I only wish that ye had come sooner."

Kikyo nodded at that, and Kaede sat down on the step beside her.

"I know. I wish I had spent my second life—better than I have. I feel like I have squandered it. I should have returned here—to you—to the village—instead of trying to seek my vengeance." There was a moment of pause as Kikyo looked down at the ground at her feet. "I could've done so much good. But instead, I have caused you so much harm and pain, and I can only ask for your forgiveness now."

Kikyo placed a hand against Kaede's cheek, lightly rubbing where the scars just showed under the eyepatch.

"My beautiful little Kaede, you have always been my better, even as a child, you were always so good, and I am glad to see it is still there."

"You were always too generous with your words. I only wish you to rest and be at peace, dear sister. It has been all that I've desired since your resurrection."

Kikyo nodded, drawing Kaede into a hug. Kagome watched her eye widen before she reached up to pat the arm around her neck before slowly returning the hug.

"I am so tired, Kaede," Kikyo's voice was soft, and Kagome felt like she was watching something far too personal and not meant for anyone but the two sisters, but then Kikyo brought her hand away from Kaede's face and turned towards her.

Kagome's entire body stiffened as their eyes locked. She was vaguely aware of Kaede following her sister's gaze.

"Kagome?" Kikyo called out to her, and Inuyasha took a step towards where she sat. Kagome frantically grabbed at his haori as he moved them closer to the shrine steps.

It wasn't that she didn't trust Inuyasha, but this all felt very much like a trap. She'd lured them in with false pretenses. Pretended to be good. Pretended to forgive. She'd lured them all into believing that she was something that she was not.

"Relax, Kagome," he told her in a whisper as he walked up to Kikyo and knelt down so that Kagome was within arm's reach as he moved her to sit on his leg.

Kagome held firmly onto his sleeve as he moved her, and his hand never left her waist.

"I'm glad you both are here," Kikyo said, gripping the edge of the stair and bowing as deeply as she could. Kagome could only stare as the long locks of hair fell forward, brushing the ground and piling on the ground.

It felt wrong.

"I have done such awful things to you both, and for that I am deeply sorry." She rose up a little. "I know it means little coming from me, but I have said and done inexcusable things to you, Kagome, and you have no reason to forgive me, and I do not hold it against you."

Kagome stared at the woman before her with the sad expression on her face, and she could see it. She could see that she'd changed. The shape of her face had softened, and everything about her spoke of peace. Kikyo had always been hard and sharp angles, but now she felt—fluid.

"You saved me from my own anger, and I cannot thank you enough for letting me have this moment with the only family I have left."

She could only stare at Kikyo.

Where was the rage? The righteous fury? The insults and jabs at her abilities? The reminders that Inuyasha was hers and hers alone?

Kagome knew what to expect from angry Kikyo, but this one? She had no idea how to handle this version. She'd never been privy to it before.

Kikyo could only give her a sad smile before turning to Inuyasha.

"I hope that you are happy for many years to come," she told him with a smile. "You deserve that and so much more."

Inuyasha gave her a firm singular nod before looking over at Kagome, who could only watch this exchange in awe.

"Take good care of her," Kikyo told him.

"Yeah," he said, swallowing, "'course I will."

"Good, you both deserve all the good the world has to offer, and maybe then some."

Kikyo gave her another small smile, and already it looked like it took more effort than before.

"Get some rest, Kikyo," Inuyasha said quietly, and Kikyo nodded as he stood up, shifting Kagome so that he was holding her.

"I am very tired," Kikyo said, turning back to Kaede. "I think I would like to go now." She looked so lost and small and fragile, and Kagome felt her breath hitch just a little at the sight of her.

"Aye," Kaede's voice was thick, and she ran her fingers through Kikyo's hair. "Of course."

Inuyasha turned and took a few steps away, and Kagome watched Kaede help lower Kikyo's head into her lap, and she panicked.

"Wait!" Kagome shouted, shifting and pulling herself so that she was firmly looking over Inuyasha's shoulder. "I forgive you!" She shouted. She couldn't let Kikyo go thinking that she hated her. She didn't hate her. If anything, it was sympathy. She didn't hate Kikyo; she'd never really hated her. It was always just pity. "I—I don't hate you!"

Kagome reached out her hand over Inuyasha's shoulder as Kikyo held hers out as well, trembling just for a moment before her fingers closed and coming to rest just over her heart. Her face turned up to the stars, and she gave one more smile, speaking so softly that Kagome couldn't hear her. Though Kagome didn't really feel as though Kikyo's last words were meant for her anyway.

Inuyasha turned, holding onto her so that she didn't fall, and Kagome watched the souls seep out of Kikyo's false body and rise up into the sky with nothing to prevent or stop them.

There was a moment of stillness before one last light drifted up slowly, hovering for just a moment and the glowing shinidamachu circled slowly and reverently, as if saying their goodbye.

Kagome waited for it to return to her, for Kikyo to be part of her once again, but it didn't. It just continued to float up into the clear night sky, leaving Kagome feeling both concerned and relieved at the same time.

Kikyo deserved to be at peace, but she'd been pulled from Kagome initially. Didn't that mean that she needed to return to her as well?

Kikyo's body lay still on the steps of the shrine, and Kaede lightly stroked her hair. And very quietly, her body crumbled, returning to dust with no spirits left to inhabit it and keep it whole.

"Be at peace, dear sister," Kaede said quietly.

"Here," Miroku stepped forward. "I will collect up her remains, and we will bury her."

"Aye, thank you Lord Monk."

Sango walked up to Inuyasha.

"Kagome can lean on me for a little bit," she said, and Inuyasha glanced down at her.

"Go, it's fine," Kagome said, and he carefully lowered her legs so that she was balanced on her one foot. His hands rested on her hip as Sango slipped an arm around her waist to support her.

"I've got her," Sango said, and Kagome leaned heavily against her friend.

Inuyasha walked past to the small building behind the shrine and returned with a spade to dig the grave.

"We don't have an urn," Miroku said as he was shifting the clothes to keep the dust and remains together.

"No, but my sister was always proud of being a priestess. Burying her in her clothes would make her happy. She was burned in them, and she should rest in them too."

Miroku nodded, taking care to fold the fabric of the white shirt around the piles of dust that he'd poured onto it. He made it a neat white square, with the red pants and shoes underneath it.

"Kaede?" Miroku asked as Inuyasha stepped away from the deep hole that he'd dug for her.

"Please," Kaede said, reaching out for the pile of carefully folded clothes. She carried them to the small grave, and Kagome reached out, grabbing onto Sango's arm as her eyes watered.

She took such great care to kneel down, with Miroku's help and lowered her sister into the ground where she would hopefully stay this time.

"Be at ease, dear sister. This world is of no matter to ye any longer. I hope that ye's rest is easy and long, and perhaps we can be sisters once more in another life."

Miroku helped her stand, and she held her hand out for the shovel, and Inuyasha held it out for her.

She took a shovelful of soil and gently let it fall over the pile of clothes, and then handed it back to Inuyasha.

"I believe that is enough for an old woman. I will see you all at home."

And with that, Kaede walked past them all and down the steps.

"I'll go with you, Kaede!" Shippo called, running after her.

"That would be very kind of ye, Shippo," Kaede said, holding her hand out to the kit, who took it and walked beside her.

Inuyasha carefully covered the grave until it was nothing more than a mound of dirt underneath the marker.

Miroku clapped his hands in silent prayer and Kagome bowed her head.

"Here," Miroku said, holding his hand out for the shovel.

"Like you can see in the dark," he grumbled, stalking back off towards the shed as Miroku moved towards them.

"I hope Kaede is alright," Sango said softly, looking off in the direction of the where she'd gone.

"She'll be fine," Inuyasha said, as he walked up to them. Kagome reached out for him, and he was in her space without question or hesitation.

"Come, Sango," Miroku said, and the two of them disappeared down the stairs and back towards the hut.

"Are you okay?" She asked, and he looked over at Kikyo's grave. Eyes staring off into the space where he'd just buried what amounted to his fiancée. "I can—"

"Yeah, I'm okay," he said, turning towards her. "I have you, don't I?"

At that, Kagome's eyes spilled over, and the tears ran over her cheeks.

He placed a light kiss against her forehead before dragging her into his chest, arms wrapping around her back and squeezed her tightly as she cried into his shirts.

His nose buried into her hair, and they stood there for a long time, until he pulled away, using a finger to lift her head.

Before she could ask a question, he leaned down and kissed her, soft and gentle.

"Come on," he said, leaning down to sweep her up. "You've been on that leg for long enough, and it's late."

He leapt down the steps with ease and walked to the hut, pushing the mat aside with his shoulder.

No one said a word as he took Kagome into the storage room, where her sleeping bag was already spread out and waiting for her.

Setting her down gently, he let his hands slide away from her, and she reached out, catching his fingers in her own.

"Stay?" She asked him, staring up at the glowing golden eyes in the dark of room.

"Yeah," he said, voice barely a whisper and more of a breath of agreement.

He lowered himself down beside her, and she dragged herself as close as she could against him.

"I'm glad you're still here," she whispered, and Inuyasha squeezed her tightly.

"I told you, I'm not going anywhere." He pressed a kiss to her hair and buried his nose in it.

It was hard to believe that he was still there with her. That he had chosen her over Kikyo. It was like everything was finally going her way, and Kagome didn't know what to do with all of this. Her eyes watered, and Inuyasha clutched at her tighter.

Kikyo was gone forever, and there was no getting her back, no saving her. Inuyasha had to be hurting so badly, and Kagome didn't know what to say or do to help him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, and Inuyasha shook his head.

"I'm not," he told her. "It's what I've wanted this whole time. Kikyo deserved to be at rest." He inhaled sharply, but didn't relinquish his grip. "Just like you need to be, so go to sleep. We can talk in the morning."

Kagome sighed, and he took a long inhale in her hair. She shifted a little, and Inuyasha released her just enough to let her move before settling his arms back around her again.

The day had been a rollercoaster, and Kagome was more than tired. Her entire emotional range felt worn out and abused, and maybe she did need some sleep.

She clutched onto Inuyasha's sleeve just a little tighter, just in case everything around her disappeared.

A/N: So yeah, I remembered. Eventually. 😬

The quote I thought really represented Kikyo's character, because there was so much intent and purpose placed on her being this perfect person, and how hard must it have been to carry that and feel like you couldn't even be yourself? I just felt like Kikyo needed more resolution and so did Kaede, whom I felt was honestly cheated out of a real reunion with her sister.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one.