Chapter 28

Mutually assured destruction

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: There's a lot that happened in the last months, personally, globally, and in the town I live especially. Had to take a break, but I'm getting back in the swing of things. There will be a lot of sweetness, a lot of darkness, a lot of angst, a lot of hope. I hope this hasn't totally ruined the story by taking this time, but it was necessary.

1.

Sometimes all we get in life are brief moments. Moments of peace, of love, or calmness. At least it felt so to Meredith. Ever since she returned to this damned city she'd taken more than her fair share of moments. Things she was not used to. People who wanted to spend time with her. Something like a relationship. She knew she couldn't get attached, she knew... Yet while she listened to the chatter and laughter of her roommates, and Alex and Christina, watching her mother's tapes and drinking beer sitting on the floor, there was warmth in her. And she knew the rules, she'd made the rules. Never- ever get close enough to feel like that.

She knew she'd run out of cards- out of moments, she knew.

And she let herself get swept anyway. The breaking room Cristina had taken her to made her feel a little lighter, a little better. Like she can breathe for a second. And then the phone in the kitchen rang, and while her dysfunctional, sweet, nosy new family of friends crept on her talking and trying to read her face, she knew the moment was over. She let the phone handle drop out of her hand.

Someone put it back in place. There was talking. There was a high-pitched noise.

'I have to do the dishes.' like she'd ever done the dishes when it wasn't her turn and absolute necessity and they were out of paper plates... But she did now and the running water was soothing some of the high-pitched noise in her ears. If she just concentrated on soaking, washing, rinsing, drying- soaking, washing, rinsing-

Someone put a hand on her shoulder and she pulled away and the plate smashed on the tiles. She had to clean up. She kneeled, and then Alex had both his hands on her shoulders and she finally looked at him. She removed his hands, one, then the other, and rose to her feet.

'Okay, f- it.'

She took another plate and smashed it, and Alex jumped back, giving Cristina a worried glance. The alcohol bottles were nearby and Mer took a shot of vodka- and then another plate flew to the tiled floor and broke into 3 pieces.

'Mer-'

'Cheers' She took a few more sips and another plate went down.

'Meredith stop it.' Cristina was suddenly right in front of her face, holding her by the wrists. Someone was saying something about Derek and using the phone. Everything was noise. 'We are going to the living room.'

Meredith moved with her, though the moment Cristina let go she sat on the ground of her living room. The pizza and beer were still on the floor. The whipple her mother was performing was still on the screen. And everything had changed.

2.

'What happened?'

'Why are you breaking plates, I-'

Cristina shushed them. Mer took a few more sips of vodka, and made sure her voice was even.

'Ben hasn't technically done anything wrong, so he will be continuing his internship with us.' Her voice was calm, but her grip on the bottle was tight enough that her knuckles were white. She bit her lips to blood before she spewed the next part. Saying his name felt impossible. 'L-Collins... Collins will be suspended under investigation for 3 days. It's my word against his. Which means-'

'How is that even possible?'

Meredith took a few more gulps to numb the world. 'His father was just as known as my mother. But then she had to go away, while he was Chief for the longest time, and he's now on the board of directors. We grew up together. I know his family. Should have known.'

'But you can show your bruises, tell them your past, surely-'

'I didn't report anything. It was brought up when Derek hit him. Could be taken as jealousy. And I signed an NDA when I was a teen-'

More vodka, or tequila or whatever, burning her throat in just the right way while people around her protested and asked questions. And the Cristina snatched the bottle. 'Meredith, concentrate-'

'Concentrate? On what? Do you think I am going to go back?'

'Do you think you're not? Because I can-'

'You can kick my ass up and down, drag me to the hospital, blah blah blah-' Meredith snatched the bottle again. 'You can't make me do anything. You can't watch me 24/7. You can't watch them -'

Cristina took the bottle, took a shot and threw it at the wall so it smashed. 'I can't force you to go, no. Just tell me why the hell are you being so damn stupid?'

The disappointment in her friends' voice tasted bitter and cut deep, but not deep enough. 'What do you expect me to do exactly? What? I lost.'

'You lost precious learning time the last few days, yes. You got pushed to sign an NDA as a teenager, yes. And it sucks, I am sure that it does, but where the hell are you? Why are you not fighting?'

'FIGHTING what, Cris? It's over, it's been over before it even started, don't you see that?'

'And he just keeps getting away with it? F- that! You're not a teenager anymore.'

'And what the f- am I supposed to do, Cristina? Walk the same halls as him? Be in the same patient rooms, same operating tables hoping to God that my focus on him doesn't kill someone as I'm operating? Taking a test wondering if I'll finish earlier or later than him? Being a ghost running around his schedule? Been there, done that. I don't want to be a ghost anymore, I am done.'

'Good, cause you fu**ing should be.' It was Izzie this time, and she'd never heard her voice so harsh, so angry.'We don't expect you to be a ghost. We expect you to fight.'

'How? I told you that for now-'

'Yeah blah blah blah.' Always sweet, Izzie almost scared her when she went so angry and serious.'We heard you. He can't be kicked out of the hospital yet. But you can't just give up. Fight.'

'How?'

'Mutually assured destruction?' Izzie surprised her, and for a first time since the call, Mer was present again.

'A what now?'

'You know. He's got power over you. Take it the fu** back. You said you grew up together. You MUST know enough, something, to get him to behave until we figure out something better.'

'This is going to end up with somebody dead Izzie, it's going to start a war. You don't know his family, who he is...'

'No...- but I know who you are. Start a fu**ing war. We're with you. Do you, or do you not have something on him?'

After a brief consideration, Meredith nodded. The unsettled part of her told her to shut up, run, hide, avoid- but there was a part of her that enjoyed the life she'd wanted to have forever. Friends that stood by you no matter what. A person you wanted to see every day and be with. Dream job... A proper, full, healthy life. It was something to fight for.

'I have enough for a lifetime. But before you do anything you need the whole information.'

'Meaning?'

'F- that.' Meredith's face was distorted fighting the tears. 'I don't know why you're here, any of you. You want to fight, to know, fine-' She wobbled drunk to one of the other unpacked boxes. She dug clumsily into it, and found the folder she was looking for, and got back on the floor, pushing the files into Christina's hand. The files she'd never looked at again since she was a teen. 'F- it, there you go. Let me know if you're still with me after.'

Christina studied the file, surrounded by Alex, Izzie, and George, looking over her shoulder. Alex looked angry. Even George was a bit pale. They studied the file so Mer was the one that stumbled to the door when the doorbell rang.

3.

'Hi love, what-'

Derek was there, sweet, loving, warm Derek and she felt too sick for dealing with her life. She kissed him back, but she didn't quite feel all the way there.

'Mer, why the hell are we looking at a negative HIV test from when you were a teen?'

She felt Derek's grip on her tighten as he looked over at them. 'Now you have the whole information. So any war- you're know, now you know everything. And no, I don't want to discuss it tonight. Think about it. Let me know. Derek, let's go to my room.'

She wanted to sound like she didn't care, even though it was killing her.

'Mer?' She'd wobbled halfway up the stairs, pulling Derek with her, and stopped, but didn't turn. 'Of course we're with you, idiot.'

It was Alex, and in Alex speak that was yes. That was all she needed, and she ran up the stairs, closing the door behind her and Derek, before she'd dissolve into tears. Or into throwing up. She wasn't sure which. She kissed Derek, before she could find out, but he stopped her.

'Meredith, I heard them.'

'No talking. More kissing.' She was leaning on the wall for support and pulled him into a kiss. His arms in her hair and on her waist felt good. Like courage. Like erasing-

Her kiss tasted salty and he automatically stopped playing with her hair and removed the tear with his thumb, only to feel another one coming.

'Meredith, they said...'

'I know.'

'If you had to take HIV test as a teenager then-'

'Don't say it, p-please, just help me forget-' He could taste salt and beer and vodka in her clumsy attempts to kiss him.

'You're drunk, I can't-'

'You can, please, please, please Derek, I can't-'

She was doing everything to avoid looking at him, until his fist collided with the wall and her red-rimmed eyes locked on his.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry-' The anger melted as fast as it came and all his attention was on her, his fingers gently rubbing her face. 'You said you're still a virgin and I assumed...'

'I am. Technically. Please just-'

She was trying to hide her face or distract him. There was no way in hell. 'Say it. You know I'll kill him just for touching you, but- just say it Mer. HIV. You were afraid that- that means- he still r*ped you. Just not in that way, he-'

'Just f-ing go, GO, GO HOME. You KNOW now, GO.' She was pushing him suddenly, over and over, blazing angry and suffocating, coughing from the tears. 'Go!'