Chapter 21.05 Intercom Interference

Ludwig laughed as he jumped down from the checkout counter. He twirled around, relishing the giddiness he felt and the stares he received. He heard whispers all around him, some loud enough that he could hear every last word.

"What the hell is he doing?"

"Is he crazy? This is a grocery store!"

"Does that kid just have no boundaries?"

That last one came from a person who Ludwig almost ran into while twirling. He came to a halt and sent the koopa a smile.

"I think boundaries are overrated personally." He jumped up, just barely grazing their cheek with a sloppy wet kiss. They gasped, put their hand to their cheek, and sent Ludwig a glare.

"Why! I never!" They stomped off, each step strong enough to make earthquakes feel like trembles.

Ludwig chuckled to himself before he heard the shutter and click that could only be associated with a camera taking a picture. He turned and saw two koopas holding their phones, taking pictures of him acting out his glorious escapades. He waved at them before noticing that another koopa was recording him.

"Take in every detail you see, folks!" he said. "For I, Lemonade Natalie Koopa, am going to kiss everyone here so hard that you'll all have hickeys for the next decade!" He beamed and turned toward the entrance. "Isn't that right Ludwig?"

His face fell immediately. The place where Lemmy had been standing was now made up of completely empty space. Ludwig's heart skipped a beat. That wasn't a good sign. It couldn't be a good sign.

Where in the world did he go? Ludwig's heart rate sped up. Lemmy had escaped from his field of vision once already during this trip, and that resulted in a scenario Ludwig would take months to block out of his memory. Was he doing it again? Did he have something even worse up his sleeves, something that would soil Ludwig's reputation for forever and a day?

Well, it didn't take him long to get the answer to his question. A voice spoke out on the intercom. The quality of the audio was a little scratchy, but the voice was unmistakable.

"Hello everyone!" Lemmy shouted over the intercom. His voice was filled with joy, overloaded with it as a matter of fact. Ludwig's blood froze over at the sound. Thoughts of embarrassment and disbelief cascaded over his mind like a tsunami soaks an island country. The word "no" played on loop in his thoughts, increasing with volume and causing both his horror and anger to rise.

"I am Ludwig Vanessa Koopa!" Ludwig scowled when his brother said his real, legal name. His hands gripped into fists as Lemmy continued on with his happy-go-lucky and horribly uncharacteristic spiel. "I just want to say that I think classical music is overrated; Pop and Rap are the genres of the future!" Lemmy giggled. "I also absolutely love the circus. If I could live at the circus, that would do wonders for my mental health AND my personal hygiene! I've really been meaning to get some knots in my hair. I think they would make me look SOOO much better!"

Steam practically shot out of Ludwig's nose. That brat. That horrible, obnoxious brat. The display with the toys was bad enough, but THIS was inexcusable. Lemmy was officially dead to Ludwig. He was as dead as a door nail, so dead that the foul art of necromancy had no chance of bringing him back. Or at least, he would be. Ludwig was going to personally take up the responsibility of murdering Lemmy in cold blood. THEN Lemmy would be dead.

He broke out into a run. He barreled past confused customers, his mind filled with nothing save for thoughts about getting to the intercom. He increased his speed when he saw the door, located on the store's right hand wall. He barged through, slamming the door so hard against the wall he wouldn't be surprised if both of them suffered a hairline crack. His face felt hotter than the sun when he saw Lemmy leaning over the microphone.

"I also love my brother Lemmy!" Lemmy continued. "I think everyone here should have the privilege of seeing him put on his clown acts. It will inspire all of you the way it has inspired me!"

It took every ounce of willpower Ludwig had at his disposal to not punch Lemmy right then and there; he didn't even care about hurting his own body anymore.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ludwig said through gritted teeth.

Lemmy froze and turned around. His expression was the same expression a little kid would wear after being caught doing something naughty. "Darn it, I forgot to lock the door…"

"Get away from there!" Ludwig shoved Lemmy away from the intercom and grabbed the microphone, tilting it down so he could speak into it without the need of standing on his tiptoes. "Hello, everyone! I apologize for the very intrusive and very WRONG statements made by my brother." He practically growled out the last word. He held the microphone so tightly that he almost crushed it. "He clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. I think the circus is by far the most stupid place anyone could ever go to." He laughed. "In fact, the place I'd rather be is in Sparksville! The population of goombas there is through the roof and I would absolutely LOVE to squish every single one of them!"

Lemmy gasped. "Ludwig!" He walked up to the mic. "He doesn't really mean that! I…or, I mean, Lemmy thinks that goombas are a very nice group of hardworking Koopa Kingdom citizens."

"HA!" Ludwig guffawed. "Yeah right. I think my brother Ludwig is a little confused, because I LOATHE goombas! Taking our jobs, not being able to pick things up…those handless, dirty little chestnut people deserve to die!"

Lemmy's eyes were wide with horror. He shook his head slowly, his mouth hanging open. "That's…Lemmy, that's awful!"

"Only because its true." Ludwig leaned in ever closer to the mic, annunciating every last word that came out of his mouth. "If there are any goombas here who take offense to my words, then please! By all means, come beat me up! The name's Lemmy; Lemmy Koopa! You will be able to locate me right next to the checkout counter!" He chuckled wickedly before letting go of the mic and turning back to Lemmy. "Have fun with that one, 'Lutz.'" He turned and started making his way toward the door.

Lemmy stood there in shock before leaning back into the mic. "You know, 'Lemmy,'" there's a dark secret of mine that I have been dying to share."

Ludwig froze. "A dark secret?"

"Yep." Lemmy was so close to the mic that the scratchy quality of the microphone audio completely vanished. "You see, I Ludwig Vanessa Koopa have never had that great of a love life. Some would say its because of my personality, but there's another reason. That reason is a very big one." He chuckled. "Or, should I say, small."

It quickly occurred to Ludwig where his brother was going with this, and it nearly caused him to shriek. "Don't you dare…"

Lemmy didn't stop. "Yeah, that's right! It's time the world knew!" He cleared his throat and stood up straight. "I, Ludwig Vanessa Koopa, have a very small and very tiny p…"

Lemmy didn't get to finish, as Ludwig tackled him to the ground. They rustled about, giving each other bruises and scratches that would take the better part of a month to heal.

"I HATE YOU!" Ludwig yelled. "I HATE YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, LEMMY! I'M GONNA KILL…"

"AHEM!"

Both soul swapped Koopaling stopped. Standing in the doorway was one of the store employees, one who ironically enough was a goomba. His expression was dark and dangerous.

"If you don't get out right now," he growled. "I'm going to head bonk you AND call the police!"

Lemmy and Ludwig exchanged a look. Ludwig begrudgingly got off of his brother. He flashed him a very dark look before sighing and turning to the goomba.

"Very well." With that, they made their way out of the store.