Chapter 1 : Doctor and Patient
Chapter summary : What lengths would a doctor go to for a patient? How would a patient change a doctor's life?
This story is a work of fiction.
Or Rather.
This world for the most part, is fiction. We fabricate it, exaggerate it, and neatly hide the parts that are inconvenient to us.
The celebrities lie to their fans, be it their words or how they present themselves. Like how an Idol might tell her fans how much she loves them and how perfect she is. How celebrities would lie about their lifestyle is. How models would lie about what products they use to look like they do.
In the entertainment world, Lying is your weapon.
"I love you all!" a popular Idol shouted to all her fans after her performance. The crowd cheered, throwing their hands up, waving their red glow sticks.
After all, that's what her fans wanted.
- x -
Gorou Amamiya had his eyes glued to the TV, watching a recorded concert of a popular Idol group performing in the far away city of Tokyo. The TV was a little too loud, well, louder than it should be in a Hospital.
"Whoooo! Goooo AI~!" He cheered, throwing both his arms up, holding glow sticks as if he was attending the concert in person. "Don't you think she's as great as ever?" He turned to the person laying on the bed behind him. "B-komachi debuted 4 years ago and look how far they've come." He pumped his fist. "This is it! Her stardom begins here and now–"
The door opened behind him and he was interrupted by the nurse walking in "Don't you think that's not how one should behave in a hospital?" Who could tell he was such an otaku fanboy. "Doctor. Please watch that at your home and not in a patient's room"
"It's okay. I don't mind–" the patient smiled. It did help kill the time.
"It's weird when you think about it, don't you think" Nurse was not happy.
"They're great performers. And besides– Music is good for the soul. Wouldn't you agree Mr. Patient.?" Gorou patted him on the shoulder.
"I have a name." the patient mumbled to no one's ears.
"You are just trying to convert people into her fans." Nurse deadpanned.
"Music helps heal people. I consider this as a form of medical practice. I'm sure you'd agree, nurse" he defended.
Nurse sighed and Gorou continued "Besides we don't get any live events in such a rural area. DVDs are all we got. And Healing people's souls is part of my duty as a Doctor!"
"Just don't issue that as the hospital's professional statement."
The Nurse remembered the recent announcement about the B-komachi Idol group and pulled out her phone "Come to think of it, There was a topic trending on twitter earlier. Thought you might be interested in." She pulled up the tweet about Ai taking a break from her career due to health issues.
"SHE'S GOING ON A BREAK?!" He yelled on top of his lungs. Grabbed her phone in shock. This was quite old news, he of all people would have heard about it. Not a fanboy after all?
"I hope she recovers soon!" He looked up at the concerned looking nurse and gave her the phone back. "Don't you worry! She will be back and topping the charts in no time!" He threw a cheerful thumbs up at her.
They walked out of the patient's room and both grabbed a cup of refreshing coffee along the way. They have been hard at work since early morning. Well, one of them has.
"I worry about you sometimes Doctor" She said blankly "She's young, Don't you think its creepy for you to-"
"Please don't finish that sentence." He interrupted her and sighed "I have my reasons you know." She nodded. She knew but it had been 4 years.
- 4 years ago -
A young girl had her eyes glued to the TV, watching a recorded concert of an upcoming underdog Idol group performing in the far away city of Tokyo. The TV was a little too loud, well, louder than it should be in a hospital.
The door opened behind her "What are you watching there Sarina?"
"Sensei!" She is always happy to see her favourite doctor. "Come! Sit!" She scooted.
"The music's a little…" her eyes sparkled watching the girls on the TV sing and dance. He couldn't bring himself to ask her to turn it off. Or down for that matter. He smiled and sat down with her as she went on about the Idols on the TV.
"This is MeiMei! She is really good at dancing." she pointed.
"I see"
"Aripyan and Kyunpan are good at singing"
"You have a favourite?" Gorou asked.
"If I have to pick one" she touched her chin with her finger in thought as another Idol flashed on the TV.
She watched the Idol with admiring eyes, "It's definitely her!" She pointed cheerfully.
"AI!" she continued her fangirling "She is the same age as me and yet, she's so much more mature and good at singing and dancing. And she is so cute!"
He looked at the TV and then at her with a smile. "She sure is."
"If I get reincarnated, I want to have a pretty face like hers."
…that's right… She was dying. As much as she didn't want to admit it. As painful as her conditions were. She still found something positive. Even if it was a fantasy that made her happy only for a few moments.
"What reincarnation?" He looked away "Stop with the nonsense" His voice had a hint of sadness.
She pouted "You're such a killjoy Sensei." She got up to the window and admired the twinkling stars outside. It was a clear night. "Have you ever wondered, what would it be like to be born a celebrity?" She turned to him earnestly "If you had the connections and looks right from the start…"
"Nope." Quick answer from the doctor.
"So you really don't have any dreams huh?" She didn't really believe him. Who wouldn't want to be famous?
"I did. It was to be a doctor." He smiled.
'He is living his dream' She smiled back.
"My dream is to be reincarnated as the cutest Idol ever. I'd go on the stage and sing and dance and make people really happy"
Reincarnated huh? It did hurt to hear how she had accepted her… condition. "There's no need for you to reincarnate" He looked at her "You are cute too Sarina"
Her face brightened up on hearing those words.
"You know, you can become an Idol once you recover and get discharged from here" he tried to lift his own spirits "I'll even become your fan"
That got her giggling. He picked up a glow stick "Which colour would you want to be yours?"
"Red! Just like Ai's~" She didn't think twice about that. "I love you Sensei!" She tackled him with a hug. "You're the best doctor ever!"
He gently patted her head.
.
"Sensei? When will my parents come to see me again? I asked them to bring Ai's merch last time" It had been over 2 weeks since her parents came to see her. They rarely visited.
Maybe deep down she knew it.
What kind of parents don't stay by their dying child? In the years he had spent as a doctor, he had seen a few such selfish and careless parents. All of them boiled his blood. He took a deep breath to calm down and tried not to think about that.
"I'll ask them to visit soon" He patted her head to comfort her for a moment. "Now, it's getting late. You should sleep" and he tucked her in.
"Goodnight Sensei" She said softly as he left, switching the lights off.
- x -
Sarina had been visiting the hospital for the past few months since her condition was discovered. It eventually got worse, and she had to be hospitalised. Her parents moved her to a remote hospital in Miyazaki prefecture as the medical bills from the Tokyo Hospital burned through their savings.
In this very room she had spent a long time. And she had accepted that this is all she will ever see now, this boring hospital room, this boring bed, that same old view from the window.
The same songs by B-komachi, her favourite underdog Idol-group. They never got old.
She watched the TV fully immersed in the music. She loved pretending she was there in person, waving her glow sticks. Swaying her body to the music, watching the Idols dancing, humming along.
Suddenly she felt a sharp pain in her head, which made her wince. A series of sharp pains followed, felt like needles poking her brain.
She gasped, unable to utter any sound. She held her head with both hands. Her eyes closed, until the pain became more bearable. She pulled herself out of the bed, out of the room and walked with her hands on the wall, trying to keep her balance.
"Nurse.." she couldn't yell for help.
"Sensei.."
It was midnight. Not many people around.
Breathing heavily she walked along the hallway looking for someone. Anyone.
Her legs became shaky. That sharp pain was back. She fell on the floor with a thud, loud enough to alert if anyone was nearby. It was unbearable. She groaned in pain and closed her eyes, holding her head. Her whole body was shaking.
The pain was worse than it had ever been, unable to bear it, her body gave up.
A nurse found her and called for help immediately. She carried her back to her room and alerted the doctors. They rushed to check up on her.
.
Sarina slowly opened her eyes, her head was still in pain but not as bad as before. She was out cold until late in the morning.
"What…" she tried to say, her hands were shaky. Like she didn't have proper control over them.
"You're awake?" the nurse was beside her. "How do you feel now? You collapsed on the hallway"
"I… My head hurts"
Nurse nodded. "I'll call the doctor"
"Can you call Sensei too?" she pleaded.
"He is in Tokyo. He will be in the hospital Tomorrow. I'm sorry" she felt awful telling her he wasn't around. They had bonded over the past several months and everyone knew Sarina was most comfortable with him around.
"Okay" she said in a low voice and pulled up her sheets, turning the other side.
- x -
"This one looks like it." Gorou looked at the nameplate in front of the house. "Tendouji."
Even with the address from hospital records, it took him a while to find the place. They stopped visiting, stopped answering the hospital calls.
He rang the doorbell.
A man opened the door shortly after. "Yes?" Gorou recognised him immediately.
"You are Sarina Tendouji's Father?"
The man stared at him. Took him a moment but he realised who he was. "Is she…?" He expected the worst, why else would a doctor visit them?
"In her final stage. She may have a few weeks at most." Never had he imagined he would deliver such news to a family.
Groru bowed in sincere request.
"I don't know why you and your wife stopped visiting. But please stay with your child in her final few weeks."
.
"I'm sorry"
Gorou looked up at him.
"I cannot… do that. I'm very sorry." He sounded apologetic.
"Why?" Gorou was stunned. He expected him either to not care or be pressured, but this?
He sighed. "Because I told my wife she passed away"
'What?!' He screamed on the inside.
"Sarina's condition had taken a toll on her mother's mental and physical health. I didn't know any other way to help her. At Least this way, she could grieve and move on, eventually return to normal." Sarina's Father explained.
"But what about Sarina?" He pleaded.
"I love my daughter... But I can't risk the family. We are expecting a baby soon, watching Sarina… would break her. I can't risk the baby. Moreover, she is not in a condition to move."
Sarina's Father bowed in apology.
"Please. If you can, tell Sarina we love her. And we are very sorry we cannot be there for her."
Hollow words.
'Do you really?' He has met a few parents who didn't care about their kids and it showed. He said he cared. But did he? He lied to Sarina's Mother and won't even visit Sarina once in her final days.
He stood there in silence. What should he say at this point?
"I want you to leave, please. I don't want my wife to see you" Sarina's Father half closed the door.
"What kind of parent–" Gorou stopped himself mid-sentence, there was probably no point in saying it. He was frustrated. He turned around swiftly and left.
.
Should he go back to Miyazaki now? There wasn't much to do for him in Tokyo. He walked around Tokyo aimlessly and wondered. That exchange he had with Sarina's Father replayed in his head.
"Him and his excuses. Arrgh–" He groaned in anger.
'Please tell her that we love her' his words rang hollow in his head. "What a joke"
"I can't just tell her that her parents love her. Those words shouldn't come from me" He sighed.
.
He walked along the road, and spotted a poster of B-komachi's upcoming performance on the side of a Merch shop he happened to be upon. And he remembered Sarina's words from some time ago.
'I asked them to bring me some Ai's merch'
As weird as it might look to see a grown man in his 30's buying Idol merch, he walked in without hesitation. He got some music DVDs too while he was there.
- x -
Gorou walked in the hospital, back from his trip to Tokyo, holding a small bag of souvenirs. He took a day off, but now his patients needed him.
"Morning" Gorou greeted the staff at the hospital.
"Good to see you back doctor. How was your day off?" Another doctor greeted him back.
"Relaxing, I hope my patients weren't much trouble" he laughed.
"Of course, they are always great people to work with." He noticed the bag Gorou held. "What's that, did you get us something from Tokyo?"
Before he could answer, Sarina's nurse spotted him and ran up to him. "Gorou!"
"Oh- Morning Nurse" he greeted.
"It's Sarina!" her face told him everything he needed to know.
"Is she okay?" his voice stammered, expecting the worst.
"Stable, she was…"
He turned before she could finish her sentence and dashed to Sarina's room.
"SARINA!" he yelled, rushing through the door. She was there, sitting on the same bed as always. She stared out the window and looked mellow.
Relieved, he caught his breath.
"Sensei! You're back!" She smiled on seeing him.
"Haahh~ yeah" He walked over and sat by her bed. "Did you miss me?"
"You went to Tokyo without me! You didn't even tell me!"
"Sorry, I had some important work to take care of" he lied.
"Important work? I bet you just wanted to attend Ai's Concert! Did you bring me something at least?"
"I did" He gave her the souvenir bag. It had some B-komachi merch, posters, red glow sticks, some figurines and a couple DVDs.
"You got me all this?" she looked really cheerful "Can we watch?" She pulled out one of the music video DVDs. The nurse had followed him back to the room, she stood by the door watching them.
"Sure, put it on" Gorou gestured to the TV. Her cheerfulness faded. "Can you do it for me?" she asked politely. He knew what that meant. "Sure" He said, hiding his worry. He took the DVD from her hands and turned on the TV.
B-komachi's music filled the room. Sarina watched with excitement, the other two watched her with a faint smile. The nurse pulled him out for a moment.
"Her condition has gotten worse. Yesterday she was found in the hallway, she walked there and collapsed" she filled him in.
"She is not recovering?" He knew, but he couldn't lose hope when she looked full of life just now.
"Chances were very slim, you knew that" she took a deep breath. "She is losing motor functions, she can't walk properly, her hands are shaky. And how it looks now, she doesn't have much time."
He couldn't think straight. Bad news yesterday, Worse news today. His expression was a mix of anger, fear and sadness.
"You were in Tokyo right? Did you see her parents?" she broke his chain of thoughts.
"Huh?" He didn't tell anyone why he was in Tokyo.
"That's why you went, right? Or do you have relatives we don't know about?"
He clenched his fist remembering his conversation with Sarina's Father. "They refuse to see her."
.
"Some people are like that" Nurse commented. It wasn't the first time she heard about relatives who stopped visiting, but every time she heard it, it broke her heart.
"Thank you for taking care of her all this time" She tried to lighten the mood and divert the conversation.
"It's my job. I'm a doctor after all"
She smiled. "Of course it is"
- x -
It's been a few weeks since Sarina's condition started getting worse. Survival rate for anaplastic astrocytoma was very low. But it wasn't unheard of.
"They could have picked a better hospital. Why here?" Sarina's nurse was out for a walk with Gorou, on a short break after attending to their patients all day. Just outside the hospital, they strolled on the walkway with green grass surrounding it, a few trees adding to the calming environment. It was a good place to unwind for doctors and patients both.
"Sarina? They did. She came from a Hospital in Tokyo, remember?" Gorou answered.
"Yeah, I mean. Why shift her here?" She clarified.
"You know how expensive cancer treatment can be. It burned through their savings. And when she started showing signs of recovery - they moved her to a cheaper hospital."
"Some hospitals can be bank breaking." Nurse commented.
"Yeah. Life happens sometimes. It's not really their fault they were thrown into this situation" He sighed. "But it doesn't excuse them, they even refuse to visit her now"
"Some people… Why do you think they stopped? There must be a reason?"
Gorou wondered if he should tell her.
.
"Who knows?" he said.
.
"You've been more of a parent to her than anyone. Honestly." She thought about how he spent time with Sarina, kept her company and made sure she was comfortable. All things her parents should have done.
"I do what I can. I'm not the doctor treating her anyways. It's them who have done the most for her." He sighed. "Being a Gynecologist sucks."
"Really? I thought it was the dream of male aspiring doctors" she chuckled.
"What kind of man do you think I am?!" He playfully slapped her shoulder.
"Hey!" She rubbed her shoulder and they walked quietly for a moment.
.
"I really wanted to be a surgeon. Being directly involved. Saving lives. That's what I wanted to do. Believe me… I tried my best." Gorou thought out loud.
"Is that why you never got married? Had your nose buried in medical books in your 20s?"
"Something like that… My Grandma took care of me my whole life. Her health got worse with her age when I was in medical school and I desperately wanted to be a doctor so I could help her. She passed away and all my motivation dropped after that."
She regretted bringing it up. He saw her gloomy face and tried to lift her spirits. "I am still a doctor and I still help people. Cheer up, it was a long time ago."
She nodded. "Should we go back?" Their break time was ending soon and there was work to be done.
"Yeah. Lets go"
They walked back into the hospital building. Sarina was going through her therapy while they were on their break.
Sarina's doctor walked towards them after just wrapping up his work. "Gorou, Sarina was asking for you." he patted his shoulder.
"How is she today?" He hoped for something positive.
"I wish I could say she was getting better"
"Right, sorry I asked." Gorou walked past him to Sarina's room. She was on her bed as always. She looked peaceful watching the birds outside through the window.
"Hey. Sarina?"
She turned her head and saw his concerned face. She smiled faintly "I'm okay Sensei", her voice was weak. He walked closer and grabbed a chair to sit near her. "I'm glad to hear that" he smiled back.
"Sensei. I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I won't be able to become an Idol."
Gorou held his emotions back. "Don't say that"
But she could tell, "Don't be sad Sensei. I'll surely become one in my next life!" she said cheerfully. Her cheerful smile faded as quickly, replaced by a whimper "I… overheard the doctors."
"Sensei?" She pushed herself closer to him and hugged him. She let her tears flow, for the first time in a long time. "I'm scared." her voice whimpered.
He hugged her back. She had been strong and positive for so long.
.
"I want my mommy" she held onto him as tightly as she could. Her head buried in his chest, his shirt soaked in her tears. He gently patted her head.
"I had a talk with them earlier, when you were in therapy" He couldn't think of any other way to comfort her. "They said they're planning to come here soon and they are so sorry they couldn't be with you sooner"
Sensei never lied to her.
She had lost all hope that they would. She told herself her parents loved her, and were too busy working hard to pay for her medical bills.
"Really?" she said and pulled herself apart, a ray of hope shined through her eyes once more.
"Yeah. She even said she will bring you some Idol merch this time"
'Maybe they really were too busy? I knew mom loved me' Sarina reassured herself.
"You shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself. Why don't you rest for a while." Gorou helped her lay back comfortably on the bed.
"Sensei? Will you turn on the TV for me?" she asked politely.
He nodded. He got up and put on some music videos for her. He smiled watching her watch the Idols dance, trying to sway her head to the beat of the music.
B-komachi's music never failed to put a smile on her face. The music filled the room, the idols danced with such energy it was contagious. The whole performance was oddly soothing to her.
Gorou had acquired a taste for this music after listening to it for months now. Watching Ai and the rest of the B-komachi Idol group perform, he caught himself nodding his head to the music. Sarina saw him immersed in the performances and that made her happy.
He truly enjoyed it.
She forgot all her worries, completely captivated by the music and the shining smile of Ai. She looked amazing. Her eyes soon became heavy.
Gorou turned off the TV after she fell asleep and walked out the room. He closed the door behind him and stood there for a moment "Haa–hh–" he let out a deep breath and a tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped it off before anyone could see.
He better understood Sarina's Father, why he might have lied to her Mother. Sometimes people have to lie to make others feel better.
'But what about Sarina? Couldn't he have done something? Anything? He is still the worst father. Didn't visit. Didn't call. Wouldn't respond to the hospital's calls.'
'He loves his daughter.' He punched the wall in front of him in anger and frustration. 'That Damn Liar'
"Doctor? Is everything okay?" One of the nurses saw him acting all emotional.
He brushed himself off and composed himself. "Yeah–, Yeah. Sorry" He dusted his coat off and walked away like nothing happened.
- x -
Gorou stayed by Sarina's side all night, someone had to be by her. Or that's what he told himself. Thoughts about Sarina, her family, her condition, her pain kept him up late until his body passed out from overthinking and exhaustion. He slept sitting on the chair beside her bed.
.
Sarina's painful groans hit his ears. "Se..n..sei.. arrhhh–" her voice was barely loud enough to wake him up.
"Sen…sei…" She tried to be as loud as she could.
His eyes shot up the moment her voice registered in his ears. "Sarina?" He pulled himself forward to check up on her.
She was in pain.
She was shivering.
She was dying.
"NURSE!" he turned his head back to the door behind him. "CALL THE DOCTOR!" He yelled on top of his lungs and he held her hand.
What time was it? How long was he out? How long did she suffer alone?
She gasped for air with every breath, breathing itself was hard for her.
"It's okay Sarina. I'm here. I'm here" he stroked her head gently trying to comfort her. He turned back to the door. "NURSE!" he yelled again.
It hurt him to watch her like this. He didn't know what to do and could only think of one way to soothe her pain.
He turned on the TV, loud music filled the room once more. Sarina turned her head to watch her favourite Idol sing and dance. Still gasping for each breath. Unable to sway her head to the beat this time.
He sat by her bed, held her hand, gently stroked her head.
She tried to say something, but her voice was drowned out by the Loud TV. He muted it, to hear her better.
"Where's.. Mom?" She asked him in her fading voice.
"She's on her way. Just hold on for another day. Please.." his eyes could barely hold back the tears. She smiled faintly hearing her parents were on the way. She wanted to see them for so long and finally they'll be here today.
"When.. when she.. is here. tell her.. I love her.."
"I will" He didn't hesitate.
"Sensei.."
He looked at her.
"I love you too"
A tear escaped his eye, rolled down his cheek and fell on the bed. He didn't need to say anything. His face told her he loved and cared about her too. Without a word she brought her hand in front of him and opened her palm. She held on to a B-komachi key chain. And she wanted him to have it.
He picked it from her palm, looked at it and then at her. This bond they made over the past months. They both cherished it, while it lasted.
"Sarina." he finally spoke "You are.. family to me"
She smiled and closed her eyes. Those words meant more to her than anything else he could have said.
"I'm s.. sorry" she whispered between breaths, trying to calm herself down.
.
Her breathing slowed down.
.
.
The EKG beeped.
Gorou let go of Sarina's hand and the tears he had been holding up. He didn't want her to see him cry.
- present day -
Gorou and the Nurse both were at the rooftop of the hospital building, breathing the fresh air of a cool sunny day. He held up his doctor's ID, in the cover was the B-komachi keychain he always kept close to him.
"Sarina." The nurse remembered the girl like she talked to her yesterday.
"Anaplastic Astrocytoma" Gorou could never forget. 'My dream is to be the cutest Idol ever. I'd go on the stage and sing and dance and make people really happy' He still remembers her words.
"If she were alive, she would have been 16. Just like Ai." He sighed. "She loved watching her performances. I remember how happy she looked watching Ai. How she swayed her body to the music. Now, watching these performances makes me feel she is watching it alongside me."
She wanted to be an Idol.
Gorou turned to face her "Or perhaps I see Sarina in the Idol she loved and looked up to."
"Are you sure it's not an excuse so YOU can watch all that stuff?" the Nurse deadpanned.
"That's what you got from my sad monologue?" Gorou was visibly disappointed.
"You know how it looks when you watch that stuff in the hospital? You are old enough to be her dad, should you really be watching and acting like that publicly?"
"I don't see anything wrong with it." No hesitation in that reply.
'Otaku fanboy after all' Nurse sighed. "Please act more professionally in the hospital"
He had been a little overboard with watching B-komachi lately. He had followed Ai's Journey for almost 4 years now. Watching her grow felt like watching Sarina grow.
He turned to walk back. "Yeah Yeah. Lunch break's over. Time to go back to work."
Authors Note : Final version, even if there are some mistakes I might have missed. They will not be fixed.