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Chapter 32

Alice Schwarzer - No, Alice Brandon Cullen ;-)

Bella

'I love you too.' The words echoed in me, and I could slap myself for not saying them out loud and turning away from him again ... That I had hurt him so much again. Shame, remorse, anger, resentment, frustration ... held me captive. I had not managed to face him.

A single tear rolled down my chilled cheek.

I wrapped my arms, closing the bathrobe, tightly around my torso.

I felt so ... pathetic and defenseless. I missed him already ... and I didn't even know when I would see him again. How I ...

I closed my eyes, struggling for composure, when there was a gentle knock on the door of the room.

Alice. Was I ready to face her cross-examination? Would I have the energy and stamina to fight her off? Or could she help me somehow after all? Hiding here and suffering in silence would certainly not get me anywhere.

I wiped the wet trail from my face and gave a soft "yes" knowing she would still hear me.

But only a clearing of the throat and another throb followed.

I frowned for a moment until I suddenly remembered that I had locked up last night and that Charlie would soon become suspicious should he overhear this fact.

With reluctant feelings, I jumped up to open it for her.

Alice beamed at me, breathed two kisses on my cheeks, and pranced into the room, quite the happy-go-lucky person she is.

"Um ... may I open the window? It smells like certain bodily fluids in here," she asked, already pushing the opening sash up.

I was incredibly grateful to her that she didn't immediately pounce on me with a hundred questions or try to comfort me, but instead passed over my problem with Edward for now and gave me time to sort out the chaos inside me that I was ready for almost anything she wanted to do to me. I even forgot over this relief to sink with embarrassment about her words through the floor of the room.

"Would you perhaps like a shower or would you like me to help you just wash your hair. I'd like to apply a treatment and possibly a light tint that will put your shade in optimal contrast with the dress and in perfect harmony with your bridal bouquet. What do you think? Oh, I think a hot shower would relax and cheer you up a bit."

"Yes, I'll do that," I muttered, if only to escape her unbridled torrent of words that unfortunate morning.

"Okay. I'll bring you up some breakfast and I'm going to do some rearranging here for the time being so I can work better, if you don't mind. It's all settled with Charlie. He was about to leave."

And as if on cue, his voice sounded up to us from below.

"Bells? I'm off fishing ... Or do you need something from me?"

"No, thanks. Have a nice day, Dad!" I called back and was glad that I didn't have to meet his eyes in my current state. That would have only worried him unnecessarily.

"No, no, go ahead," I said, turning to Alice, as I gathered my things and then shuffled into the bathroom.

The hot water really did me good, loosened my cramped neck muscles and also calmed the incipient emotional storm tide inside me somewhat, which was increasingly giving me a headache.

When I returned to my room, Alice had set up a hair salon there.

Mirror and desk were moved into optimal lighting and on it countless brushes, combs, clips, patterns, bags, packets, brushes ... and the strangest devices were built. I got a slight touch of panic over whether she really wanted to use all this on me.

But I barely had time to get my bearings before I was transported to my chair, expertly covered with a cape, and she began to fiddle with my head.

No, as painful as that sounds, it wasn't at all ... Actually, not at all ... It was the sheer speed at which she untangled my shag, combed it, parted it and coated it with some gel that had been stirred, twisted on curlers, pinned ...

Meanwhile, she babbled all sorts of petty stuff, like seating arrangements and whatever else there was to do.

I ate breakfast on the side and only gave a few 'Hmms' from time to time.

Just as I finished and returned my cereal bowl to the table, she announced that it was time to rinse out the tint again and pushed me into the bathroom on my rolling chair. There, she turned my back to the sink, adjusted the height and backrest, and ordered me to lean backward, placing a folded towel on the back of my neck. Relaxed, I closed my eyes and felt like I was with a professional. With smooth movements she drove through my hair, letting the pleasantly warm water run over it.

I enjoyed it to the fullest.

After that, she applied a care cure right here, gently massaging my scalp.

If I had known how fantastic that felt, I would have accepted her offer to wash my hair earlier. At the thought, I noticed how unusually quiet it suddenly was in Alice's presence, and I blinked.

I caught her with a really strange expression on her face, which turned into a gentle smile when our eyes met.

"What?"

"Oh Bella, you have such great hair, so full and the natural waves ... I always wanted curls for a long time too ... But it doesn't really suit me ... Anyway, you are beautiful!"

I straightened up and doubtfully twisted my face.

Alice sighed and turned the chair one hundred and eighty degrees.

"Now I'm not just saying that because you're my best friend, but because it's true. One moment," she warned me, before a small whirlwind of towel, hair dryer and Alice arose around me, which freed my strands from the coarsest wetness. "There, now take a look at yourself!"

With these words she gave me the view of the mirror.

But I saw only the same as always. A boring narrow, somewhat sunken face with pale bony cheeks, dull brown eyes, pale narrow lips and ... well no longer blunt shag hanging down half-tamed.

Alice seemed to follow my thoughts because she rolled her eyes at my expression.

"Wait, I'm going to highlight what your human eyes seem to miss a bit."

And already I was transported back to my room, slowly feeling a bit awkward being pushed around like I was incapable of walking myself ... Well ... now and then I actually gave that impression.

As soon as we arrived at our spot, she got going and handled around way too fast in front of me so that I didn't catch exactly what she was doing. I just followed her instructions, like eyes open, eyes closed, and five minutes later she showed me my changed reflection.

It was nothing noticeable ... Very subtle ... But I looked different ... Or was it just the uneven incidence of light here in the room?

Carefully examining I turned my head from side to side.

My eyes seemed bigger and had some sparkle and my eyelashes seemed much longer and nicely curved, my cheeks not so skinny and my lips healthier and fuller ...

I hadn't even noticed, but when Alice clapped her hands in delight, I noticed my tentative smile, too.

Admittedly, nothing came to mind to find fault with just now ... In my face.

"That's the spirit! How much prettier you look right away with a satisfied expression!"

"Yes, but I don't always look like that ...", I dared to contradict.

"Oh Bella, I swear Edward sees a radiant fairy princess in you even without any makeup!"

I just raised my eyebrow skeptically.

"Jeez, girl, when are you going to believe us ... He's not suffering from a lapse in taste after all!"

Passing over my pout, she now set about imposing the first of four hairstyles on my damp hair. She tried to show me her work of art from all sides by means of an oval hand mirror. But I could not get such a proper idea of it, which is why we switched to capture it in pictures.

After the second one was photographed for me, I was informed about the acceptance and cancellation status of the wedding guests, the final buffet composition and I don't know what else, I was allowed to raise my flat-sitting butt a bit and Alice obviously couldn't keep her curiosity in check any longer.

"Are you going to tell me what happened at some point, or do I have to give up hope that you'll say something on your own?"

With a groan that was absolutely not in keeping with my elaborate updo, I plopped back down in my seat, and she immediately began pulling the pins and beads out of my hair to wet and smooth the curls.

The storm in me had subsided and I had hardly thought about it the meantime - I had pushed everything aside and was just as smart as before. I could hardly make out anymore what exactly had upset me so much, why I had reacted so dismissively ... The most present was the remorse that I had hurt Edward.

Feverishly, I thought about how everything had gone.

What was I going to say to Alice? Did I even want to talk about it? Sometimes that was supposed to help ... Would she leave me alone if I didn't reveal anything?

I doubted it.

Oh, what the heck ... What was the decisive point? Stupidly, I plunged headlong into my musings, not thinking at that moment that she had most likely seen various scenes and I could save myself some awkward explanations. I fought against a huge blockade of inhibitions and struggled for words and formulations.

I swallowed a dry sticky lump, closed my eyes, lowered my head and took one deep breath.

"So ... um ... Edward ..." I felt the warmth flood into my cheeks. "... He touched me ... down there ..."

Alice paused.

"Where?"

"Well ... between my legs!", I exclaimed somewhat unnerved and perplexed by what was probably the shortest sentence I had ever heard from Alice. Where else?!

"Oh Bella, you have to get used to pronouncing certain words. I'm not asking you to immediately lose all shyness and throw around snatch or cunt, but there shamefulness is out of place. If you don't like clit, vulva, vagina or fanny, pussy, mumu, vajaja - whatever - then think of something yourself. You don't have to do it for me, but how are you going to talk about it sensibly with Edward - your soon to be husband? And you have to!"

My eyes almost fell out of my head, the red tone of my face was already impossible to top, and I would have loved to slide under the table.

I had known that Alice was direct and didn't mince words, but this was ... surprising. I swallowed my shock, tried to pull myself together and see it as an exercise for the upcoming emergency. Usually something useful came out of it, once I had overcome my trepidation.

"Okay," I muttered, looking for another starting point. "But you know ... I kind of don't understand ... I would have no problem ... sleeping with him ..." How was I supposed to make that clear! "... So for example ... riding him or something ... You know what I mean? ... Oh God ... I can't do this, Alice!"

But she only nodded at me encouragingly and invitingly and continued to occupy herself with exaggerated concentration, braiding individual strands of hair and pinning them in place somehow.

Oh man ... I slowly began to suspect that she was really just out to get me to say the embarrassments.

"Why does it make such a difference to me if it's ... well ... his dick or his fingers?"

She raised an eyebrow with a grin.

"And was that so hard now?"

"Hmph ...", I voiced my displeasure, pressed my lips together and shot her a dirty look via the mirror.

But she only smirked and returned to her work, while casually - as if talking about the weather - she began to speak.

"Have you ... explored yourself down there, between your legs, in that mysterious area, then, or at least looked at it?"

"WHAT? Of course not!", I exclaimed in horror.

And she looked at me, stunned.

"Of course you would say that? Honestly, Bella. I would find it quite unnatural not to know a part of my body at all! What's stopping you from doing that?"

"Um ... no idea ... I don't know. I didn't really feel the need for it until now? I find the idea kind of weird ... Especially with his beautiful fingers ... or even ... Uh ... never mind, just down there, between my legs, where I go to the bathroom ..."

She lowered her arms and looked at me with narrowed musing eyes.

"You feel dirty?"

"Hmm ... not dirty, but ... I mean, it must smell unpleasant ... Especially for him - as a vampire!"

"Bella, every person - man or woman - has their own unique tastes ... and smell, of course, as well. Actually, as the daughter of a policeman, that shouldn't be news to you ..."

True, of course ... I hated those sniffing dogs that shoved their snouts into your crotch in public.

"... it is influenced by food or drugs ... pineapple juice, for example, is said to positively influence the aroma of sperm ... But that doesn't matter to us. Hormones in any form have far-reaching effects - Edward will know your cycle better than you do - and can even have a decisive influence on the choice of partner ... for both women and men. What someone perceives as good or bad varies from person to person ... You can't even imagine what extreme tendencies there are. Diseases, of course, make themselves feel rather unpleasant." She interrupted her exposition for a moment, her nose wrinkling a little. "But you're not."

"How? Did you ... just?", I opened my eyes in disbelief.

My friend just giggled again at my embarrassed expression.

"Oh honey, I could analyze for you from the mouse fart behind the house what the mouse had for breakfast ... Or unravel the contents of your garbage can if I concentrate on it ... So to get back to your fear ... What comes out down there may stink - but everything else is a matter of hygiene, I don't have to lecture you on that, do I? Have you ever smelled or tasted yourself, then! ..."

Oh my God ... Could she ask any more indiscreet questions?! Fortunately, she didn't really expect an answer to that and bubbled on unstoppably.

"... For my sake, take an intimate lotion with which you wash yourself after each visit to the toilet, if it makes you feel better ... But because of Edward you don't have to worry about that. Bella, all the things we smell ... you'd better not know any more! In this point we are perhaps more animalistic hunters ... and humans are and remain our most tempting prey ... Every human smell is for us only a directional sign ... There is hardly any negative evaluation. Personally, I love perfumes and, if possible, I give public toilets a wide berth - but if I'm honest, that's also more the repulsive picture than actually perceiving it as a stench. Also, there are the strangest and most diverse tastes and preferences among your kind as well, but I won't go into that now for the sake of your well-being."

"But then why does Edward react so strongly to it?"

"To what?", Alice asked.

"To my ... um ... moistness?", I stammered.

"Your arousal? I suppose he reacts positively to it?! That's because of the pheromones and probably because you are his singer and soul mate. It appeals to his instincts. It's hard for him to resist that. It's sort of the opposite of our reaction to wolves - they really stink for us because they're our enemies. An instinctive warning signal, so to speak. But ... why do you even muse about it if you know that?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

It was probably also more my personal perception and imagination that made it so unpleasant for me.

"Why don't you ask him if you want to know for sure?" She laughed out loud. " I would like to be there! No, nonsense, sorry ... But my dear brother embarrassed ... Oh no, never mind. You'll manage! But honestly ... You can't leave the discovery of the unknown land to someone else! My goodness ... Bella ... I don't want to push you or persuade you to do anything that you absolutely don't want or don't feel comfortable with, nevertheless, you urgently need to work on developing a different relationship with yourself and your body."

That might be so. But I had no idea how I was supposed to manage that ... One moment I could give myself completely to him and felt desirable and the next just inadequate and unattractive, that I wanted to crawl away. Or what was she trying to get me to do right now?

But she didn't let me ponder that for long anyway before she kept drilling.

"So, what exactly happened this time? Edward tried to finger you ... and?"

My spit got stuck in my throat and I had an uncontrolled coughing fit.

... Wanted to 'finger' me? While I was trying to get my breathing back to normal, I mentally slapped myself across the face. Of course, Alice had known of his intention to do more than just ... skim over exploratively. It was the decisions made that caused her visions - how could I have forgotten that?

She patted me lightly on the back and waited until my receptivity was restored.

"Didn't you like it?", she offered me another entry point.

Yes, that was a good question ... I pondered and tried to remember how I had felt about it.

Patiently, my inquisitor busied herself with correcting the strands that had fallen into disarray again.

Until I gave up with a sigh.

"I don't know."

Alice's finely arched eyebrows pushed together.

"You don't know?!"

The puzzling unbelief taunted and challenged me to put my reasoning into an intelligible form of expression.

"I couldn't really focus on it at all ... I wanted it yes ... Absolutely actually ... But then somehow I didn't ... He took all my clothes off for the first time ... And I felt like I was being watched ... And there was also Charlie in the bedroom next door ... And I didn't want to reject Edward because I know how hard it was for him ... And then I did ... And I'm so sorry ... And I feel so stupid!"

My voice became quieter and quieter and towards the end my throat felt so tight and raw that the words could hardly get through. My eyes burned and I hid my traitorous face behind my hands once more.

"Hey ... Bella!" Alice gently pulled me into her arms. "That's no reason to cry, feel ashamed or guilty! You couldn't let yourself go and you were probably too caught up in your thoughts. That happens to even me from time to time! With the benefit of Jasper noticing fairly quickly when my emotions drift in the wrong direction."

I looked up at her in amazement.

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. Trust me." Smiling, she stroked my cheek and turned to the final touches on my third hairdo. "Men can quickly get lost in passion, while we women are nowhere near where they'd like us to be. But everyone is different in that regard, too. Some find it easy to turn off their heads, no matter what problems or thought processes are bothering them. It happens every now and then that something takes me over so much that it's not so easy for me. Honey, you were feeling insecure and not comfortable - there's no shame in that at all. The only mistake was that you didn't tell Edward! Even if you don't know exactly what's going on at that moment, you should listen to your gut and let him know that something is wrong. Take it down a notch or don't do it at all ... But it doesn't have to end up like this. Trying to live up to expectations at the drop of a hat usually goes wrong. You have the good fortune to have a man who will understand and be considerate of you. Unfortunately, even nowadays that is not a matter of course. Edward was this morning - and I don't mean to make you feel bad, but to give you motivation to work on your communication - he was completely thrown off course and at his wit's end. But don't worry, he's come around just fine by now."

That was reassuring to hear, and she was right.

"I don't really know what to say to him," I admitted, somewhat despondently.

"You don't have to do anything. But try to open up to him, and if you only describe your feelings to him... You might have to find out the whys and wherefores for yourself first. He will certainly be very interested in it. Because what unsettled and disturbed him - more than anything else - was that you closed yourself off from him. He couldn't understand it. Bella, you are the only person whose thoughts he cannot read. He has to rely on what you reveal about yourself. If you want, you can try it with me? As a rehearsal, so to speak?"

"Um ... thanks. I'll have to think this through first. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you," I pressed on.

Even though it had not been a very pleasant conversation, she had been able to calm me down.

"You're welcome! Anytime again," she beamed at me. "And now ... smile."

With that, she photographed me again with an embarrassed expression.

I really didn't like being in the spotlight.

"I think it would be good for you guys to get out of here for a while ... A different environment, away from those memories. What do you think about taking a little trip tomorrow. Just the two of you?"

An unstoppable smile spread across my face.

"That sounds really good."

Really tempting. I missed Edward so much already, but the idea of facing him here and with such half-baked explanations still made me a little uncomfortable.

After a little lunch snack, Alice told me funny anecdotes from her previous weddings, and I was able to relax nicely.

When she finally finished her last work contentedly, I could hardly sit any longer and threw myself on the bed after she left.

I would have loved to bury myself in one of my books and escape reality, but I realized that I had something to sort out with myself. So I just plugged my headphones into my ears and let myself be sprinkled with soft music.

Meanwhile, I tried to sort out everything that had happened and Alice's words, made some resolutions and thought about how I should approach the whole issue with Edward - currently and in the future.

Alice Sophie Schwarzer (born 3 December 1942) is a German journalist and prominent feminist. She is founder and publisher of the German feminist journal EMMA. Beginning in France, she became a forerunner of feminist positions against anti-abortion laws, for economic self-sufficiency for women, against pornography, prostitution, female genital mutilation, and for a fair position of women in Islam. She authored many books, including biographies of Romy Schneider, Marion Dönhoff and herself.

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