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Chapter 41

Self-Confidence

Edward

"And now pay attention to what you perceive with your skin, what pleasures our hands give you - to the depths of your inner being. What incredible sensations your wonderful body is able to give you."

With that, I rang in the final round of my plan, brought our intertwined hands to the starting point of this journey, and started it all over again.

"How does this feel?" Even for me it was an interesting new experience to reach between Bella's fingers and thus only partially feel her body. "What does the touch trigger in you? Where else do you feel it?" I didn't expect an answer to my softly whispered questions, just wanted to direct her attention where I wanted it.

Her lips parted and moist warm breath flowed between our fine limbs.

I was still absolutely enraptured by how she reacted to this experiment so far. I had never dared to dream that she would overcome her trepidation and get involved in such a way. My doubts had been enormous as to whether the blindfold would increase or decrease her insecurity - let alone whether she would even allow it. But I had not expected this phenomenal effect - it was indescribable. She gave herself to me completely, absolutely relaxed and uninhibited as never before in an unclothed state. Bella touched herself under my guidance, under my eyes - without being ashamed of it ... No, not in the least. She enjoyed it visibly ... and audibly. It was increasingly getting to me.

I varied the pressure, the tempo and the movement patterns, made her aware of the differences and watched her physical reactions with fascination. At which time her pulse increased, her breathing changed, where she tensed and relaxed again.

Laboriously ignoring my own desire, I vehemently concentrated on the demonstration. Actually intended solely for her benefit, I learned at least as much about Bella in the process as hopefully she did herself. At which caress she bit her lower lip; she pulled in her belly or almost imperceptibly rubbed her thighs together. Likewise, I did not miss her rising arousal.

Arriving at her hips she became restless. But not in a negative sense. She slid back and forth barely visible, but all the more noticeable in my deeper regions ... Her body took over the regiment, the desire greater than reason. When our hands stroked the base of her thighs for the third time, she put up her knees slightly open, showing me what she wanted.

My own excitement spilled over, my imagination ran amok, and my carefully held enemy threatened to ruin everything for me.

I also bent my legs to give her - if necessary - support.

Circling the target thoughtfully, I procrastinated - struggling inwardly for poise - to tackle the whole thing.

Her thighs, meanwhile leaning against mine, opened more and more and when I was just ready, I felt the gentle pressure of her hand, which showed me the direction in which she wanted us - felt how she took the lead. Almost stunned, I gave in to her. From this perspective alone it was a magnificent sight, and yet I regretted the position of the mirror, on which only our feet were visible.

Hesitantly she paused between her legs, apparently becoming aware of what she had just done, and a brief moment arose in which it was not clear who was in the lead. But a short animating nudge was enough. Gently, she steered us over and deeper into her hotly pulsing center, carefully exploring.

My awareness took on a dangerously narrow focus and as her stirrings became more focused and intense, I released my fingers from hers - leaving the field to her - and just gently massaged the area. It was quite enough for me to see her - to be allowed to witness this surprising, intimate and exceedingly erotic performance. It was infinitely difficult for me to keep still, not to intensify the delicate friction she caused with her movements, not to disturb her. Instead, I watched closely how she proceeded, what she repeated, on which parts she concentrated - in other words, what seemed to please her. The arousing sounds she increasingly made provided me with additional information, but I tried to minimize their effect on me. With time, her fingers became brisker, limited to her sensitive pleasure center, her body tension increased. Slowly her pelvis lifted, and her free hand clawed into the bed sheet next to us. Not even the soft smacking sound she generated could throw her off anymore. Her breathing became very irregular ... Then she held her breath ... Seemed to gasp for air and all of a sudden her arm shot up, she clung to my nape, turned her head and stifled a long drawn bright sigh on my neck.

I slid my fingers into her hair and held her until she was completely relaxed on top of me, and her sweat-covered chest rose and fell more leisurely again, her hot breath blowing regularly against my throat once more.

"You felt that orgasm, didn't you?"

She just nodded and smiled dreamily.

Tenderly, I stroked her cheek with my thumb, intending to remove her blindfold and kiss her when she shifted her weight on me and tried to turn. A sharp hiss followed by a low rumble escaped me as she inadvertently gave my erection too much attention. I refrained from the intention and gathered the fragments of my self-control in no time.

"Oh ...!", Bella breathed, who had now also drawn the right conclusion, unceremoniously removed the pillow between us and now began unhindered to rub her sweet butt against me.

"Bella, you don't have to," I tried to dissuade her, as this had absolutely not been my intention. She was supposed to be the center of attention today.

"I want to, though. Enjoy it," she grinned at my neck and began to suck and lick it that I felt quite different.

Instantly, I re-sorted my inner barriers and priorities.

I allowed the sexual excitement and put my manual activities under the strict man-made conditions to let go of Bella in time as a precaution. She continually thought up new stimulating movements and I soon had the feeling that it would not be long. My hands were just on her upper arms when she abruptly sat up - I was too befuddled to immediately understand what she was up to - and her pelvis tilted so that it abruptly took my mind.

Moist heat welcomed me, raced blazing through my loins and scorched every semblance of my existence. I could no longer think. Burning brightly ...

But something seemed to hold the predator in me. When I was able to grasp a clear thought again, I first registered my cramped grip. Highly concentrated, I loosened one finger after the other from her tender flesh, which hopefully had remained unharmed. A cursory glance calmed me somewhat and Bella's next action suggested that I had not hurt her. Apparently she had also needed some resorption time to get used to the novel sensation - of my erect member between her swollen labia. Her hands were resting supportively on my knees and now she was sliding a little along my length as well.

My great enemy exulted and twitched ... So close to his goal as never before ... And my self-control crumbled ... The sensation too overwhelming, the unexpected stimulus too devastating ... The drive-driven hunter in me reared up - wanted to bury her under me and take what he lusted for on the spot. I was not up to it so unprepared - with impaired mental power. Alice's earlier horror visions of a broken and battered Bella gave me the strength to stop it.

My grip tightened again, I gritted my teeth and growled, "Bella! Stop!"

The animal inside me roared in protest and my temptress - thank God - stopped.

Carefully I lifted her off me, breathed a sigh of relief and she finally removed the black blindfold from her eyes to blink at me, slightly startled.

We knelt in front of each other on the bed.

"I'm sorry," I murmured placatingly. "It was too much ... too surprising ... I wasn't expecting that."

"Sorry, I ... forgot myself a little bit."

I couldn't help it and pulled up one corner of my mouth.

"Until a few seconds ago, you were supposed to. I hope it went well again. Are your arms all right?", I asked tensely.

"My arms?" Astonished, she let first her gaze and then her fingers run over them in examination. "Nothing happened to me. But what about you?"

No sooner had the worry about my beloved been removed than I became hyper-aware again of my almost painfully throbbing erection.

Our eyes met as we both looked up from it and she licked her full lips with flushed cheeks.

"I could ..."

"No!", I interrupted her before my brilliant imagination could rob me of the last spark of self-control.

"What then?", she wanted to know shyly, only moderately successfully hiding her disappointment at my rejection.

I would have preferred to call it off completely, since I was not sure of my unstable condition, but her facial expression made me reconsider the impulse. The inevitable pressure in my loins thanked me exuberantly exultant. To be honest, I also harbored quiet doubts that it would dissipate on its own. But I was at the moment somewhat over-questioning ... Still busy to calm my inner turmoil.

What alternatives could she safely help me with? Now that there was no more fabric between us. As always with the hand? Armpits, back of the knee, between the breasts ... all seemed to me inappropriate and somewhat perverse ... The latter would probably fail just because of their dimensions. Fellatio I rigorously excluded after the last misfortune ...

"Butt was okay, right?", she pulled me out of my thoughts.

Thoughtfully I nodded, but even this idea seemed inappropriate and too risky ... One wrong move ...

"What's wrong?" she dug deeper.

My concerns were apparently written clearly on my face.

"It's so easy for things to go wrong ... The sensation just now ... completely overwhelmed me."

"Edward, it always can ... But we should move forward slowly ... If you want to avoid surprises from me, you take control - I'll hold still ..."

"You don't have to hold still ...", I immediately objected. "... It would make me feel like I was using you ..."

"Edward! How can you think like that!? I would never go along with anything I didn't want to. There are just extraordinary difficulties with both of us, which sometimes require special measures. Let's give it a try!"

She was right with her objections and arguments. The persuasive power of her purposefully applied, pouting puppy-dog eyes was also undeniable ... But above all, I had only four more days and nights left, of which I did not know what opportunities they would offer to ... prepare a realistic basis for the 'consummation of the marriage' goal.

"But no abrupt unannounced maneuvers!"

Bella was already about to lie down on her stomach in front of me when I stopped her and pulled her between my spread knees.

As long as I still knew how to restrain myself halfway well, I didn't want to let her go empty-handed.

So I embraced her from behind, caressing and kissing her as our bodies found a rhythm of their own as they nestled together. Her state of arousal had not dwindled. Amazingly quickly she was fully passionate again and when my fingers slid between her thighs, her clitoris was still highly swollen. Accordingly, it took only a few minutes until she clung to me again and her limbs trembled while she clearly audibly gasped my name.

What a cliché - and how effective!

Her shudder passed to me and released a deep demanding rumble of satisfaction from my throat. Gently, I leaned forward to lay us down on the mattress, where she dropped exhausted, and I took my hands off her - determined not to destroy another sheet either.

At first I caressed her sweaty nape, tasting the consequences of her peak on my tongue, while I continued to rub against her heated soft body, enjoying the indescribable feeling of having her under me like this. But soon I had to summon all my will to limit the speed and force dosage of my hip movements, to stop the greed for more and not lose the supremacy. Again and again I paused briefly so that I would not cross the undefined threshold there unnoticed, exhorting myself to thoughtful steady thrusts. I put all my attention on the requested stimulation, letting myself be driven forward by the sensory impressions of our intimate physical contact.

The endeavor was more difficult than I had thought, surrendering to the sensations to find relief, but not letting myself go so far that I ran the risk of unconsciously following my animal instincts.

But ... Was allowing an orgasm – in the final analysis, a physical reaction that can hardly be influenced, but so powerful – not always also a bit of a task of control? Somehow I had to bridge the gap, find the confidence that even in this moment of loss of control, I would not do anything to harm Bella.

In the end, a small projection of what I had just experienced helped me to open up to the redemptive eruption within a few seconds, without having to be too close to her.

Unusually fatigued, I sank down on Bella for a moment before resting my weight on the mattress beside her.

She put a hand to my cheek, and I did the same.

For a long time we just looked at each other and I could see how exhausted she was - but also satisfied. In contrast to me.

"Do you want to take a shower?", I whispered after quite a while.

"Don't want to move again today," she muttered indistinctly.

"Okay. Wait a minute."

Quickly I disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a warm washcloth, with which I removed the testimony of my climax before spreading the blanket over us and returning to her side.

"What's the matter, Edward?"

The euphoria about the unexpectedly successful course of the evening was dampened by my upsetting realization. I probably had to trustingly relinquish the control I was so desperately trying to hold onto at the crucial moment to ... Yes, to what? ... An unknown power?! How should I manage that? In her ... in her sensitive inside - where her tender exterior already stole my mind. Or should I not let it go so far? Be content with her deflowering without consummating our union? Would it really be so bad if it remained with an attempt? I had not promised more - and the probability of it seemed to me just greater than ever.

"Bella, you are tired! Go to sleep now."

I didn't want to spoil her mood, didn't want to burden her with it.

"Edward, talk to me!", she demanded.

"We can talk about it tomorrow, okay!"

"How am I supposed to be able to sleep peacefully with this uncertainty?", said my sweetie and sat up demonstratively ...

Even though her lazy eyelids could not hide her condition from me. I was touched by their sympathy.

I sighed, ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes for a moment.

"I realized that at a certain point I have to give up control. Where do I get the guarantee that nothing will happen to you in the process? Where do you get your unshakable certainty - this trust in me?"

I loosened my cramped fingers, and my hand sank down despondently.

Bella reached for it and held it tightly as she thoughtfully returned my gaze.

For quite a while, so that I thought she wouldn't answer anymore, if I hadn't seen how it worked in her mind.

Finally, she nodded slowly.

"I think ... I have an idea what you mean. I was talking to Esmé the other day ... and thinking a lot about ... what you think."

I drew my brows together.

What had Esmé told her? Giving them privacy, I had not paid attention to their conversation.

"Do you believe in a higher power? In fate? Do you think it was chance that brought us together here in Forks? Two soul mates who were looking for each other? How can I be the one for you that you've been waiting for all your life - your destiny, if you had no soul?"

Now the penny dropped - but what I still didn't understand was how she came up with it in this context. What was she getting at? Bella had become the meaning of my existence ... Which had put me before the most difficult decisions of my existence ... Still I struggled with her correctness. Should this be fate?! What reason should there be for this cruel constellation? These were big questions to which I had no satisfactory answers. What kind of power could this be? As vampires we defied pretty much all forces and physical principles ...

Quietly, I shook my head.

"I am a being outside of fate and natural laws."

"You are not, Edward," she protested with complete conviction. "If you were a soulless leaderless being, you would stand outside of good and evil. And yet you say yourself you are a monster, judging, evaluating, applying moral standards of right and wrong. You choose not to kill people in order to follow your instincts. You believe that there is value in choosing the right path!"

Slowly she talked herself into a frenzy.

"If you don't believe in a higher power that you can trust, then believe in love. It is strongly connected to trust. You had the power to resist my blood - your greatest urge, your greatest temptation - for my sake. You love me and that very power will not destroy what belongs together."

If I did not object to the first statement much at first, I would have had some major issues with the second. However, I did not want to start a long discussion now. Even if my brothers had placed the satisfaction by human blood even over that of sex, the course and above all my experiences with it were completely different. And back when I sucked her life force poisoned by James, there was a certain period of time ... with Carlisle sitting beside me ...

"Without basic trust ...", Bella murmured, pursing her lips. "Who do you trust?"

"Carlisle," it came as if shot from a gun. "Esmé ... My whole family, including you ... In most matters."

Bella narrowed her eyes for a moment, but didn't let her line of thought dissuade her.

"Where do you get this trust in your father, when he was the one who transformed you - who, with one bite, overruled all your human rules and laws that had been in force until then? Edward, you trust them, you love them, and they love you ... What, if not a soul, should make you be able to love?"

"I'm the one I don't trust!", I prodded, without responding to her conclusion.

"You don't believe in your soul, in this power inside you... I do! And it will help you and preserve me."

Yes. Bella was firmly convinced.

Long after we had spoken and my angel had long since fallen asleep, I thought about her words.

They contained a certain logic ... to see Carlisle ... Esmé ... as soulless creatures did not really seem right. This consequence I had so far skillfully eluded. And yet faith and trust were not things that could be turned on at will. Too long I had been firmly of the opinion to have left my existence with a soul long behind me. This would not be reversed within one night.

At dawn, despite the oppressive realization about the task of control, I had to realize that in principle nothing had changed in my attitude. Willingly, it was impossible to force anything. I had taken up Bella's basic idea - the connection between soul, love and trust and could not deny it ... However, it was still far from being proven. In the end, I had to let it come to me and use the little time I had left to test my limits without taking too much risk.

Another thought that stuck with me was the one I had about defloration.

Surely that couldn't be the point of the hymen, of the thing itself ... and also not Bella's concern. A simple branding, a claim of ownership by the husband - in pain of the wife at that?! How could I see it from a purely medical point of view as a 'leftover outer skin from the embryonic development', as a mere biological given, when it is about Bella's well-being? Already in Hinduism the Tantra had developed very early, in which the sexual union of male and female is a spiritual path to knowledge. Even in Islam, conjugal sex was seen as a pleasure with obligations on both sides - a worship service to bring man and woman closer on all levels. So shouldn't deflowering be given a very different status? Shouldn't the hymen be seen as a natural boundary to be approached respectfully by man?! Or were we from the age of the 'Oh so open sexual liberation' in a certain way still in the barbaric Middle Ages, where sex was approved only for procreation - otherwise a sinful devilish weakness - for which primarily the woman - the temptation - was responsible and punished by torment? How could it be that men were still celebrated as heroes when they gave the bloody proof of virginity? Or were praised by their partners of their prudence if they did it without bleeding - if they cared at all. Why was this accepted by everyone? Why did a girl expect practically nothing else? Did the pain have to be there at all the first time? Should it not rather be a consensual pleasurable and above all painless union, in which it was about more than only about the accomplished sexual act! A ritual between lovers to find common fulfillment.

For a moment I was completely convinced, but then probably the term 'ritual' evoked entirely different scenes from other times and cultures.

Native American manhood ceremonies, African initiations into the adult state of being. Many primitive peoples still today had rites, often involving deprivation, physical pain, sacrifice, and the like. Rites of passage to man/woman, which were about an inner mystical-spiritual development and demonstration of both psychological and physical strength before the community. In which also generally the relationship to pain and suffering was different than today in the western world, in which hardly anyone had to perform physically hard work and narcotics found an ever-increasing sale.

Did one have to be able to endure pain as a human being? Was sexual contact with it therefore still a relic from the archaic past? But even if that was the case, I would do everything I could not to inflict unnecessary suffering on my sweet Bella.

Thanks for reading!