july, 2007
…
Ice, and elevation all night long in a motel room after getting to the designated location, Jacob left in the morning to find a place, I've been icing, taking ice baths and sitting in the a/c all day. Watching a boat load of TV, and munching on snacks here and there, even though I was locked in a room. The room wasn't bare, the room wasn't restricting or threatening, I am safe and… I can feel it down to my core, I thought it would change but it didn't. The days flew by, the same thing every day, we'll eat before Jacob leaves, I'll ice my wounds, he'll come check up on me, then he'll leave again, I'll move around the room clean up, open the shades for a little bit. He'll come back, eat with me, we'll go outside for a little while, come back in, close the shades, he'll leave again, checks on me two more times before coming back in for the rest of the night, but… it was better than going back to that bare room. The past couple days he's been checking on me less, he said he's looking further now, there's a lot more houses available inland than on the shore since people who had some cash took the beach fronts, since they were more expensive. My arms are healing faster than my right thigh, but got it in time before it started to harden which I would need surgery then.
My ribcage wasn't so bad anymore either green and yellow marks everywhere but healing, the days must be going faster than I thought and I missed Jacob. I miss Jacob a lot, I'm missing our time together.
Why does he look at me that way? At all times?
He is so attentive, and gentle, and kind. And he's intense, but he's a deep soul and I can read him like a book.
I get distracted a lot from icing because I'm watching Friends, I like Phoebe, she's so funny. I don't like the Spanish channel too much, and I should I feel racist to my own ethnicity, it's just not… alluring enough, or maybe just that show. I sat on the bed watching reruns for hours, the group of friends were always in something, and they were always together. I wish Embry and Quil were here, I hope they're okay.
Jacob came back when the sun was setting with a bag, he looked on edge, but I greeted him with a happy smile, and he was more relaxed. The ice was water in the tied-up baggies, I completely forgot about the icing, probably time for an ice bath anyways. Jacob brought home burgers, and he also brought coloring books, he got colored markers.
"Something else to do." He had said, his tone was off, but his eyes were intense, he was on edge again.
We ate and it was quiet, but he was more on edge than before, I didn't want him to stress.
"Estás bien?" I asked watching him walk around the room.
"I found a place. It's two hours from here by the beach, it's a one bedroom but…"
My head tilted out of confusion and curiosity, "but" I repeated, and he glanced over at me.
His head also tilts when he meets my gaze, I never fail to make him relax, he tilted his head back straight, "I imprinted on you, it's a wolf thing."
Imprinted on me? What does that mean? "¿Qué significa eso?"
He sits on the other bed, on the edge, a little anxious but his eyes are attentive on my face, "imprinting means that when you see her everything stops. Gravity shifts, it's not gravity that holds you to the Earth, she does." Whoa, "whatever you need, anything you need, I'll do for you. Brother, friend, lover or protector, whatever you want. It's like fate… a lifetime bond that can't be broken, and I can never hurt you. I'll never leave."
Whoa. Whoa. Wait, so that's why? His absence, and the way he is with me. Because he imprinted on me? Anything I need? Brother? Friend? Lover? Protector? A lifetime bond? What do I need? But what does he need?
He'll never hurt me. That I can I know for a fact that he won't. Well, I do have a crush on him, and he did say lover… But what does he need? Would he want me like that? Would he want me in that way? Jacob is observing me intently sitting on the other bed, it's taking a lot of will not say what I want to only because its fueled by hormones. I would love to call him mine, get to know him more.
he asked, "Qué deseas?" my heart skipped a beat at the exact pronunciation and accent that came out of his mouth.
His voice is sexy speaking in Spanish, blood is rushing to my face, and I couldn't stop the small smile, "¿Qué deseas?" I asked, "Esto se trata tanto de ti como de mí."
Jacob face darkens as he smiles too, "I can handle what I want but I want to know what you want." He casually covers his pants.
I really appreciated his condor. I swallowed my pride and made my feelings known, "quiero estar contigo. Me gustas mucho."
"I like you too, a lot," he replied, his chin dipping down a tad but that beautiful smile is on his face. "We could work something out," his tone is humorous, I smiled.
He liked that answer, he really liked that answer, and he knew I seen it, he got up from the bed and his face is darker than usual. He's blushing, I don't think his body is cooperating with him right now, and I don't know why but I want to see it. I know for a fact I was going to be dreaming about that, I can already sense it. I looked back at the tv when Rachel started being dramatic again, I giggled mostly at Rachel but also at Jacob. I think that's the first time I've seen a boy react to me that way, any other boy I would be greatly offended but I liked that Jacob reacted to me like that.
Hormones.
I would probably have a heart attack if we ever got to that point, I wanted to experience that. Someday, not now, I don't know if I could handle that mentally right now.
But I think I have a boyfriend, not that I have already been considering him my boyfriend. Weird, I know.
"¿Mi protector?" I asked, absentminded looking at the TV.
Out of my peripheral Jacob turns back around, "yes."
I smirked, my heart picking up in pace as I thought about my next little inquiry, "¿Mi novio?" I glanced at him with my eyes, my heartbeat picked up more as the words were floating around the room.
Jacob seemed just as timid by the dark color returning to his face, "yes."
"¿En realidad?" I asked, disbelieving my hearing, my heartbeat is still at its racing pace when he climbs onto the mattress.
"Yes."
…
That night we drove down to the place Jacob found, it was only an hour drive. It's a nice little one-bedroom house, in one bedroom I'm going to have a heart attack, right by the shore. Jacob laughed at me when I went straight to the water before even going inside, the sand is squishy under my sneakers as I sprinted to the shore. I squatted down by the water and stuck my hand into the water, it was still warm from the hot daylight, I took my shoes off and put my feet in.
Grinning and giggling lightly at the warm gentle water I looked up at sky filled with stars and the pale moonlight, it's dark but there's light now from the house. I can feel Jacobs eyes on me as I splash water around with my legs and giggling to myself, going deeper into the water trying to see how big of a water wave I can make. The hair on the back of my neck stood up, chills running down my spine.
I spun around hearing Jacob's voice, he was angry, but I didn't catch the words, the light overhead the backdoor to the beach house is illuminating a small area, my eyes widened, and I fell into the water just leaving my eyes above the water. I can't find Jacob and I really don't know what to do, I didn't have a bad feeling until now but it's not that feeling. I had to find Jacob, I sprinted out of the water where I had only been mid-thigh deep, I left my sneakers where they were and sprinted to the back door.
"Jacob?" I called opening the screen door and stepping into the house, to my right is a four-foot hallway down to a room, it's just a dead-end hall to my left.
Closing the back door and walking down the hallway, my brows furrowed at the rushing of tones, he's talking to someone, but I can't pick out the words. Turning the corner all, I see is a kitchen, it's still bare, I walked through the kitchen to another hallway, light pine wood flooring and the walls are crème-colored walls. The living room, the living room has a couch but it's small, it's a different kind of couch that I don't know what it's called, and a staircase, the front door is closed, he's in the living room talking quietly on the phone, I walked back to kitchen to the back door to go get my shoes. Sprinting to my sneakers and socks, snatching them up and sprinting back inside the feeling outside is eerie, I left my sneakers by the door. I walked back to the kitchen, a heavy wave of drowsiness washed over me it's time to go to bed.
I went upstairs, the bedroom is the first door to the left at the top of the stairs, and the bathroom is at the end of the hallway. I washed my feet, I tracked some sand in the house, but I don't think he will be upset about that, at least I hope he won't. Going into the bedroom, it's bare expect for a mattress but our clothing bags are here, and my plush blanket. Déjà vu, but the feeling of this déjà vu is… different, Jacob will never hurt me, he'll never lock me up, he wouldn't do something like that. I went back to the hallway and looked down the stairs at the wood creaking.
I smiled at Jacob coming up the stairs, his face softens, "Es lindo, me gusta," I said.
He smiles, "Ah, ¿verdad? El océano parecía ser tu nuevo hogar," he's full-on teasing, and I loved hearing him talk back in spanish.
I rolled my eyes playfully, "Ja! No, he visto el océano antes."
He ruffles up my hair, "It's okay." I swatted his hand away, he chuckles, "It's not much right now, tomorrow morning going to go shopping again."
"Bueno," I replied, "¿Hora de acostarse?" I asked when I was leaning on the door frame.
"Yeah?"
I nodded my head, yes.
"Okay," Jacob investigates the bedroom, "you can take the room, I'll take the couch."
He was going to be sore in the morning from the couch, just by looking at it, I can tell. I didn't want him sleeping on the couch, and I didn't know how to feel about sharing a bed, yet at least. I wondered if I'd sleep without Jacob in the same room, I'll try it, see how it goes.
"Okay," I tried pronouncing the word, it's thick in a Spanish accent, the vowels were slightly off I smiled at my attempt.
He smiles, "that wasn't so bad."
"Ja!" I grinned and turned into the room, walking over to the bed.
He chuckles, "You're getting it," I sat down on the bed, and looked back up at him in the doorway, "I'll see you in the morning."
"Bueno," I replied smiling, but my smile started to drop when he started to close the door, anxiety swirling in my stomach. I was alarmed by the anxiety, "No, abre por favor," he opened the door back up and I still didn't relax.
It was that feeling I had outside, like I was being watched and Jacobs right here, the weight of the eyes is different. It's unnerving, and the feeling is growing.
"Are you okay?"
That eerie feeling is growing, I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling right now, I wrung out my hands and looked at the windows bringing in pale moonlight. The one behind me is a direct light beam of the moon and to my left, is the sky and the never-ending ocean. When I wrung out my hands Jacob strides into the room, and he followed my gaze to the windows, I felt like a child reaching out to Jacob, but I didn't know what else to do my heart fluttering in my chest. My intuition is kicking off, anxiety twisting my stomach, no no no no no no. I understand that feeling now… I felt that feeling before… in that house, it was always from one particular person.
Uncle.
Uncle is here. He's here somewhere and he's watching. He can hide in thin air, that's what makes him more dangerous, that feeling. Was a warning, he's close but not close enough, he creeps and when you least expect it. He's there.
He holds out a hand to me, "hold on, baby," he looks out the windows, he stops longer at the window to my left, "I'm going to lock up the house. Stay here."
He didn't look back at me when he left the room, my body began to shiver in anxiety, I grabbed my quilt and wrapped myself up in it and hid my head under it. I couldn't stop memories of getting caught after running away and whoever was involved… the gory images had me hyperventilating under the fabric. The feeling is increasing, he's getting closer, and the only problem is, is from where? I can hear Jacob downstairs, I'm trembling by the time Jacob gets back upstairs, his eyes on me feel different. Not threatening, not that he ever could be towards me, the bedroom door closes.
"I smell him." Jacob hisses lowly, his voice near the window that's under my feet, the feeling is heavy like a weighted blanket.
I whimpered under the quilt.
"He won't get you."
I whimpered again, I really wanted to hide in the corner if it wasn't for Jacob coming onto the bed, I pulled the quilt down.
Everything in my body went cold, I can see my face changing in his eyes, they're not Jacobs. They're uncle's, he's smiling slyly, acrimoniously. He's on all four, inches away from my body.
I screamed in terror at the top of my lungs when his arm shoots out as his jaw unhinges.
Screaming and shooting up into a sitting position my eyes snapping open to a nightmare, my heart dropping in my chest as tears welled in my eyes registering the bare room. The grey light filtering into the room, rain slamming against the windows, realization crept over me like a suffocating black cloud.
I dreamt it, I dreamt it all. A hole ripped my chest open raw, everything within my body crying out for Jacob. I had to find Jacob; I have to get to Jacob. If I dreamt it, if I dream in general it's a warning, it's a flip of reality but it's still very true. Events might be different, but they always come true. Uncle is a sign; Uncle may be able to appear out of thin air but his motives behind it are even darker than Padres.
Uncle is a coward of a man, they both are cowards but my uncle… he is enthralled with raping girls, women, especially unclaimed women. He can smell when a woman has intertwined with her mate, he can smell if she hasn't, and most of time women haven't found their mate. I am an unclaimed girl, and that blissful dream that turned into a nightmare was a sign that Uncle was planning.
The door swings open and I frantically wipe my face as Father strides into the room with heavy footsteps. The hairs on the back of my neck standing on end.
"Get ready for school," he hisses harshly tossing an outfit at me, he's greatly upset this morning.
Behind my eyes I seen Jacob handing me clothes, ever so calmly, gently. The hole in my chest pulses.
"I want you out in five."
I was more than happy to get out of the house, I dressed quickly only with that nasty purple bruise on my right thigh, I pulled my dark red/brown hoodie and my worn sneakers. I didn't fight with Father when he grabs my right bicep harshly to escort me out of the house, Uncle's chilling gaze on my back as he drags me through the living room to the front door. I steadied myself in the driveway when he pushed my forward as he let go of my arm, I walked through the driveway angling to the right to go down the street. I walked down the side of the street quickly to the corner to take another right and continue down for five blocks to the school.
I am determined on getting to Jacobs side today, I don't care what it takes. I don't care if we must do it all over again, I will be it again, and again, and again until I could spend my life with Jacob without looking for my shoulder.
Walking into the parking lot with my hands and feet cold and numb, and shivering, I searched the parking lot for Jacob's car. I searched the parking lot for him, for Embry, or any one of the wolves that go to school. I also searched the streets to make sure they didn't follow me to school today. Walking through the parking lot, I had a strange feeling.
It feels like I haven't been here in ages, it doesn't feel right being here.
I miss my corazón.
Walking into the school I made my way to my locker with my hands in my hoodie pocket, I kept thinking about my dream, missing every aspect of security. I almost started to cry opening my locker, I wish I didn't dream it, I wish I was with Jacob right now. In that small house, I wish it had been him that came back into the room, I wish it had been wrapping me in his arms. I wish we slept through the night with no problems, I wish I had been able to snuggle into his body and forget everything about this life. I held onto my locker door unable to control the choke of a sob leaving my throat, large hot tears slipping from my eyes and down my face and off my chin. My heart breaking in my chest at the temporary blissful peace and safety I had been engulfed in, falling in love and safe.
I'm not safe now and it had all been a dream. Everything crashed down me, my world crumbling as I sobbed standing there at my locker.
Everything went quiet around me, there's no more babble of the sea of students, just a soft echo of my sobbing and the light behind my eyelids darkened.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
My heart stuttered in my chest at Jacobs voice, so warm, deep and husky and everything that is safe. I turned my head to the right, my vision clears of tears when I blink a couple times and meet his gaze. I couldn't stop myself even if I decided against hugging Jacob right then and there, I lifted my head from under my maroon quilt and I was back in the small house. I flew to my feet and Jacob caught me when I threw myself at him, linking my arms and legs around him.
"No, me dejes, Jacob, por favor," I begged, sobbing, that distinct wash of security flooded over me.
Unmistakable safety that was ripped away from him for a couple minutes and made me crumble to pieces, it left my chest open and raw. That hole is closed, and all my anxiety is gone. His body heat is still here, the hardness and softness of his body, his scent. Him.
Jacob holds up from under my bum, "I'm not going anywhere," his tone is confused.
"Quiereme," I murmured, linking my arms tighter, "quiereme, por favor no me dejes."
"Baby, I'm not going anywhere. What happened?"
"Volví. Volvamos a ellos." Tears slipped out my closed lids.
He wraps an arm around my back, he rests the side of his head into mine, I leaned closer to him, "it's okay. It's okay, you're here. You're safe," He strides further into the room and sits down on the bed, he unlinks my arms from around his neck and I lean back.
Meeting his eyes, my hands closed around his hands sliding into mine ever so gently, gazing deeply in his eyes. His soul is beautiful and so warm, I got lost in his eyes, I began to relax more.
"They won't ever find you; I promise. You are my life, you'll always be safe with me, I won't let anything hurt you. You are everything to me, my gravity," Jacob wipes my face with gentle thumbs, and he cradles my face in his hands, "I promise… Let's get some sleep." His thumbs caressed my cheeks before he pulled me closer and laid down with me wrapped up in his arms.
I got out of my shorts to be more comfortable; he took his shirt off and tucked myself back into Jacob.
"A/C is a must," he mumbles absentmindedly, looking up at the window.
I was only laying there for a few seconds when my body relaxed, my eyelids fluttering tiredly, I hooked my leg higher around Jacobs legs and hips. I felt his bodily reaction, and his breathing changed, it was more of a self-controlling breathing like he was calming himself down. I was out just listening to his heart beat and him breathing to relax his hormones.