Chapitre 67 : French vs English
There were times in my life when I realised I had very paradoxal thoughts. Whether it'd be about wanting to pursue a certain career but not wanting to study or the abolute opposite (not wanting any particular career and yet studying for a very very specific job) or about my personal relationships, there was always a paradoxal thought to be found.
At some point in my life, I realised that some of my though had a language attached to them: day-to-day life and/or career thoughts were in French, day-to-day life on a more personal level kinda thoughts ( like thoughts about friends, colleagues, actions involving people but not "important actions") were in German (of course they would soon be paired up with English as soon as my vocabulary couldn't step up to my thoughts' expectations) and romance and/or long term life decision thoughts were in English. It really isn't something unusual; almost every bilingual person has some kind of categorisation of what they think about in each language. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my French thoughts were usually my rational thoughts. They were the ones I was used to talk about with people. My English thoughts were way more irrational and were mostly the one I kept to myself. They would often contradict my French thought and so they always felt like something that "couldn't be". My English thoughts would tell my I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, some one I would love so much that only by their presence would I feel complete. My French thought would tell me I don't want to have someone in my life because it would bother me, that I wanted to have kids and that I should be doing it alone. There was some fundamental truth in all of those thoughts: of course I wanted to have my kids alone but at the same time, it didn't mean I didn't want to have someone in my life.
And then, in between those ongoing those in my mind that I didn't really realised were even there, they appeared in my life. In a matter of hours, my English thoughts were screaming to me that this person had to be my person, that person I'd spend the rest of my life with. My French thoughts were not helping very much; even them realised something different was going on. My French thoughts were those who made me agree to meet up with them because my English thoughts would have been too scared to do so. And then, both of them offered various comments every time I met with them.
Maybe my English thoughts are the one who actually dare to have monogamous speeches while my French thoughts were the one going alone with polyam speeches. There was never any part of me that was fundamentally polyam, but my French thoughts certainly could see an appeal in being polyam. And those were my fundamental thoughts. I know for a fact that my French thoughts are the ones that are the less affected by society and certainly by movies. My English thoughts are made of movie quotes and movie feeling; of course my English thoughts were to be more monogamous-inclined.
But were was the line then? I had often asked myself were I could be in all this mono-poly thing and soon realised I really didn't care. Some part of me didn't care because I was monogamous. Some part of me didn't care because I could date a poly person without it being a problem. Mostly, I didn't care because I understood what it was: it was love between people, and, even my English thoughts would say that love is great no matter how many people are involved.
And then time flew by and my relationship with them changed. I stared to make what I call "avalanche" to say what I couldn't say out loud. Most of those things involved "English thoughts" and there were/are probably hard to say out loud because they : 1- mostly come up in English or 2- if they come up in French, then they are hurtful thoughts. Without surprise, the first time I wrote those things, they were written with a lot of English in between. Every sex-related topic was written in English because I really didn't even have any sex vocabulary in French. And every emotion-related topic was first thought in English because I somehow knew that this was an "long term emotion" situation. Yet, all my stories were written in French: they were things that already happened, thing I already felt. I felt them like a "day-to-day emotion" so it was possible to recall them in French.
Would it have been different it I had written in English? Probably. I might have had the urge to compare every situation with a movie or tv show I know, like my thoughts always do. It might have made it take a more "I wanna a monogamous relationship" kinda view on all of that story. But it doesn't matter: French or English, rational or irrational thoughts, they were always all saying the same. I had found someone I could date my whole life.
I knew it as soon as I met them, but they took a (way!) longer time to see it.
And then there were days were we lived our life like a little habit we had. We saw each other the same day every week, all the time and it was great. And on those day when that routine was fun, my rational French thought would thing: c'est parfait. And it was, and I thought it all the time and all the time we were together.
And then there were days when my English thoughts were speaking up. They would see those moments and cherish them so much that they would dare say: then why aren't you in a monogamous relationship if this is so great? Impinging 1-some part of me did want a monogamous relationship, 2-my English thoughts saw being poly as "less romance" or "less love" or idk "less something I can't really pinpoint" but worst 3- some part of me had some discomfort regarding poly relationship that were enough to make that part want to not have a poly relationship anymore.
Before knowing Them I always thought I could be in a monogamous or poly relationship, that it really didn't matter. And then somehow with them I had that feeling of "I could spend my hole time with you" (that wasn't really true, I knew it would be too much to spend all of my time with someone), but I really could spend a lot of my time with them. But being poly somehow meant that they didn't
And it is even stupider to think that this only applies with partners: my English thought couldn't care less/ they are happy for them when they see their family and friends, yet it isn't the same with their other partners. Knowing they have other partners would always create stress. Knowing they are seeing their partner would always be a reminder that I'm not enough to be a partner "enough" so that me only would be enough for this "function" in there life.
It's weird, sometimes my english thought talked to that in the sameway they talked about gender: I really couldn't care less if someone calls me a girl if they don't know just as I couldn't care less about anyone being poly. But I cared if someone calls me a girl knowing it will at least irritate me just as much as I care if my partner (not a random partner but that one I have now) has other partners.
And this is problematic on so many levels. It is mostly a problem for me: (a) just the simple existence of an other partner hurts me, (b) knowing my partner sees their other partner certainly hurts me, and then that comes with an extra "I then want to know what my partner is doing at all time because if they are not with there partner, then I don't have a reason to be stressed and/or hurt" but with a "then I don't wanna know what my partner is doing for that exact reason" and with a "but for all people in my life, I always love to know what they are doing, it's just interesting", (c) never wanting to have my partner hurt and yet thinking in some way it's always gonna be them or me who's gonna be hurt, as long as they have other partners (d) but never wanting them to stop seeing their other partner either because I could/would never want to someone to stop having someone they care about in their like, and then (e) with c and d paired up, thinking that then it's better I'd be hurt then them (and it will always be so: I will always choose them above me because there can't be a happy me without them in my life…) (f) If I wanted to stopped being hurt by all the poly-related stuffed, then it would mean stopping to have THEM in my life and that would result in more hurt that I could even think about so that would be the stupidest decision ever and (g) I want my partner in my life for all my life: it doesn't matter how much hurt I would feel, it would always be less that all the positive things I had the joy to live everyday because of that relationship.
Yet, of course my English thought would hope – never even dare to say it out loud – that, one day, they would somehow not have an other partner anymore. Even my English thought wouldn't say it out loud because it was ridiculous! And my French thoughts would soon kick out any fragment of that by recalling how happy we were the last time we saw each other and how much I needed them in my life.
And of course this was followed by the thoughts of things I wanted and I could never really have (because I wouldn't have them in this relationship and I would never wanna stop having a relationship with my partner): I did want a monogamous relationship, I did want a relationship where I would see my partner everyday (well, or so I thought, maybe that would be too much) and I wanted a relationship with somehow who felt that every romantic-dating aspect of their live could be satisfied with only me (I guess that goes with that monogamous thought, but this is really "more" than just monogamy. Having only one partner doesn't really mean anything: it could just be a coincidence. But feeling that someone is enough to not even need or want to seek out anything else, is something way different. And that thought never was there in any relationship because I didn't really feel it toward anyone (that anyone enough on all levels/aspects so that they would always be the best choice/my only choice). Though, now that I felt it, I did want it to be bidirectional.
… (gros bris de coherence à venir, mais bon…j'ai pensé à ceci et ça allait juste nulle part XD)
And then my English thoughts would start to think about movies and tv show.
They had at some point thought about that tv show about violent men. It was a tv show that portraited men that had a lot of violent comportment and in the last episode there was one with a "control" problem. Il disait qu'il était bien gentil et qu'il ne faisait qu'apporter du café à son ex tous les matins, mais en fait il ne voulait que la contrôler. Et l'intervention lui a un jour dit : « cette surveillance que tu fais? Est-ce que ça t'épuise »? Comme si tout ce contrôle, ce besoin de surveiller l'autre était épuisant. And then I thought : well, am I doing that? Am I controlling? Not in a "I'm telling you want to do" but in a "I want to know everything you are doing" way. I had somehow thought that if I had known what my parter was doing at all time, I wouldn't been stressed or hurt at all, but I realised that it really wouldn't change a thing, but that want to know everything is really tiering indeed. That being say, of course je n'ai pas de problème de surveillance/stalkage important (comme dans cette émission ou le gars a installé des caméras dans la maison de son ex), but it is still an important thought.
… (fin du bris majeur de coherence)
And then, my english though would thing about my favorite tv show and a powerful dialogue between a kid (a) and his step-dad (p):
p: Don't think I'm gonna turn my back on you know
a: You should, anyone would have by know, and you have an hell of an excuse (A battered p before)
p: Do you really want to deny yourself the chance to love? …Do you know how many times I've been in love? 3… and every time it ended I felt pain, pain that you wouldn't believe. What you did to me tonight is nothing compare to that. And yet, I couldn't imagine never being in love again!
And he said it with such passion (well, a and p are great actors!) that I wanted to believe him, and I did. And it wasn't all that true, turns out that the greatest love of this character was his kids (a and his other kid) and so are my greatest love: my kids will always be my first love! But does that mean I don't want another love, that other love that I would feel my life isn't complete without. Of course I want it, and I have found it. And I listen to my tv show with a whole different analysis now because I've seen that kinda of love and I can only agree that I want that kind of love. And I have allowed myself to actually have it.
So then, there should be no problem, well there is no problem isn't there: tout est parfait. Tout est parfait parce que mon partenaire est la personne que j'aurais créée si j'avais pu créée ma personne parfaite (dating-wise), parce que notre relation est parfaite/facile, parce que tout est mieux quand il est là.
And then some hurtful thoughts are there. There are things that currently and will always hurt me, there are those things that make me cry and those things that keep me from sleeping at night.
And then our relationship in itself is so beautiful that it also does make me cry (of joy I mean) because: of can something be so great?
This week, with my partner being away, I did cry because (even if I knew it), it felt like them not being there made it even clearer how much I loved them and they fit greatly in my life. And then I realised that I would always have something to cry about: it could be hurt or joy related, but a relationship as important as it was, was bound to generate strong emotion. This time was weird though, it was the first time I cried (of joy) while my partner wasn't present. It certainly happened many times that I cried in their presence (even if they never notice it) (of joy I mean), but it didn't really happen outside of that. And it that, I saw a strong resemblance to the kind of love I have for my kids because I do cry all the time about how much I love my kids – I just love them too much! And I love my partner too much as well.
All that being said, I can only remember what "god" always say when we ask something, and I can't wait to see what "I have something better for you" is because I really can't see anything much better than my life now (except maybe finishing my studies).