Serendipity
Chapter 22: Ienakute (Speechless)

She was going on a date.

After much pressure, Mimi had successfully forced her to agree to have dinner with the friend she had met at the party.

Mimi had given her the lowdown. He was one of the nicest people she knew. He was successful in his career. He came from a great family. She had done a thorough background check, and he came with no baggage.

Mimi and Miyako were over the moon for her, but she merely felt odd. She hadn't gone out with anyone else since Takeru. They insisted she was ready, but Hikari herself wasn't sure that she was.

Her train of thought reminded her that Takeru had texted her that morning. She had gotten distracted after reading it and had forgotten to respond. She took out her phone to read it again.

"Would you be interested in going to a jazz show with me tonight?"

Miyako had looked over at her screen in that moment and scoffed, rolling her eyes dramatically. She seized the phone from Hikari's hand, typed away, and handed it back to her.

"Can't. I have a super hot date tonight! xx"

Hikari was horrified. It didn't even sound like her at all.

"Who cares?" Miyako snapped as if reading her mind. "He's being so desperate and pathetic. It's embarrassing to watch."

At first, she had thought that Miyako was merely saying these things to make her feel better, but as the weeks passed, she now wondered whether Miyako truly hated him.

She chose not to ask, not wanting to sour her flatmate's mood. Instead, she asked for her help in styling her hair, which Miyako was more than happy to oblige.

Takeru's response didn't come for another twenty minutes.

"Have fun!"

"Don't feel guilty," Miyako said sharply, reading over her shoulder. "Remember this is the jerk who hid a serious girlfriend while he was dating you."

She knew Miyako was right, but she couldn't help it.

She thought of those two words for the rest of the night. She imagined Takeru staring at her text message for twenty minutes, constructing in his mind the thousand different ways he could respond before settling on that.

Have fun!

By the time her date had arrived, she had fallen too deep into her distraction. She instantly found herself comparing him to Takeru, and that continued for the remainder of her night.

Like Takeru, he had big, kind eyes, though his were a warm brown. He had a wide, large smile that took up much of his face and an infectious laugh that would sometimes catch her off guard and make her laugh too.

On top of that, he was considerate and kind and funny…

But Takeru was all of those things too.

And compared to him, she didn't find he was nearly as intelligent or charming.

So, when he asked her for a second date after dropping her off, she turned him down. She tried to be nice about it. He seemed wonderful, but she wasn't in a place to date right now. It's not you. It's me. Classic.

He appeared disappointed but said he understood. If she ever got to that place and was interested, he was just a phone call away.

He was a nice guy.

Annoyed at herself, she drew a long bath before getting in bed. She picked up her phone and saw that Takeru had texted her.

"How was your date?"

She wasn't sure what she felt seeing his message. She wasn't sure if she should even respond.

"It went well!"

She saw the indication that he had read it disappear as soon as she sent it. He probably had his phone open to their chat.

She regretted the exclamation point. She had spent the large part of her night imagining his reaction to Miyako's message. She had wished Miyako hadn't sent it, so the hypocrisy of her own text wasn't lost on her.

His reply didn't take twenty minutes, but it was still too long compared to his response.

"I'm glad to hear that."

She stared at his message, not knowing how to react. Part of her told her the moment had passed and to leave it. Another part told her to apologise, though she didn't know for what.

For hurting his feelings?

He texted her again.

"I've changed the tickets from tonight to tomorrow. Want to go with me?"

She thought Miyako might actually kill her, but she had agreed to meet Takeru.

To hide from Miyako, who ended up going to Ken's anyway, Hikari made plans to meet Takeru directly at the venue. She was running behind due to a delay in the metro, and Takeru was outside waiting for her. He was staring off into space and still appeared less put together compared to how he usually was, but at the very least he seemed to be a bit better than the last time that she had seen him. He brightened when she appeared in front of him.

"Hi."

"Hello." She took the ticket he handed her. "I didn't know you were into jazz."

Takeru shrugged. "My brother got them, but he ditched me."

"So you're willing to change the date for me but not for your brother?"

He smiled pleasantly. "He ditched me first."

"It seems you're seeing a lot of him," she noted. "That's nice."

"Er, yeah, I've actually been staying with him." He glanced at his watch. "It's going to start soon. Let's go inside."

He ushered her in, and while she was curious to know more about his living situation, she found that she was glad through it all that Takeru had had Yamato. Belatedly, she was even thankful for Sora and now felt ashamed that she had once gotten upset with her.

They were amongst the last to enter and were seated in a small, circular table with two chairs pointed at the stage. On top of the table was a dim lamp and sprigs of dried flowers inside a tiny vase. Their server asked for their drink orders. Takeru ordered wine, she juice.

"Did your girlfriend teach you about wine?" she asked pointedly once the server had left.

Takeru looked uncomfortable but laughed it off dismissively, not really answering her. She felt stupid and was thankful that the show started at that moment. Takeru was probably thankful too. She tried to pay attention to the music, but she couldn't. She stole a glance at him, and his expression showed that he was comfortable enjoying the music. She watched him tapping his fingers to the beat against the top of the table, but all she could see were how skeletal his fingers looked. His hand and wrist looked just as fragile, though she couldn't make out the rest of his arm that was hidden inside the jumper he was wearing.

Their drinks arrived. She took a sip of her juice. Takeru moved around the wine in his glass but didn't drink it.

"Aren't you thirsty?" Hikari whispered to him when she noticed that he hadn't touched his drink once.

He indicated he couldn't hear her, so she drew closer.

"Aren't you thirsty?" she repeated near his ear.

He waved his hands, then pushed his drink to her as if she had asked him to have it. He then moved his chair the same distance away that she had moved towards him, though she couldn't tell whether he had done it on purpose or was just coincidental.

The musician made a joke. Takeru laughed. He seemed at ease. She laughed too and found that once she stopped concentrating on what could become awkward, she actually enjoyed the performance.

When the show was over, they stood up from their seats.

"You don't want any of it?" Hikari asked, looking at his untouched wineglass. "It's such a waste…"

Perhaps due more to her words than anything else, Takeru reached down, swirling the wine once and taking a sip before setting it back on the table.

"Let's go," he said, and they found themselves outside.

"You said you're in Tsukuba?" she asked, realising then that they hadn't really spoken the whole evening. "How far away is that?"

"About two hours, so I think I'll just crash at Mum's since it's late. I can take you home."

He had said it so casually that she just went with it. He was acting so normal that she thought perhaps she was the strange one for holding onto some level of discomfort.

Although he appeared so undisturbed, she did notice that he did keep a certain distance from her. She had noticed it from the jazz bar, but it followed through on the journey home. In the metro, he had her sit but stood several steps away from her. As they walked, he trailed slightly. At the entrance to her building, he nodded her off as if she were late for something.

"Do you want to come up for some tea?" she asked him, knowing that Miyako wasn't home.

He stared at her.

"It's literally only for tea, so don't get any ideas," she said, trying to sound stern.

He didn't appear to have heard her, thinking it over before finally saying, "All right."

Like the first night he had come over, he sat very far from her on the floor. She set the brewed teapot on the coffee table along with some snacks, poured them both a cup of tea, then took her spot on the couch.

"You don't have to sit on the floor," she told him.

"I'm comfortable right here," he assured, taking a sip of his tea.

"Tonight was fun," she said to him. "Thank you for inviting me."

"Thank you for going with me," he returned, looking down at his teacup. "It's zaracha."

She nodded. "You can take some home with you, if you'd like."

"I still have some of the tea you gave me last time." He smiled warmly at her. "Is there a reason you wanted to have tea with me?"

She shrugged. "It just didn't feel like we actually had a chance to talk. We were just listening to music all night."

"I thought maybe that'd be easier for you."

"You came two hours down from Tsukuba for a one-hour show?"

He shrugged too. "I wasn't busy."

"How have you been anyway?" she asked, feeling strange to ask him nearly three hours into being together.

"I've been just fine," he said, appearing and sounding perfectly fine. He was smiling. "How about you, Hikari? You were working on creating an art project for your pupils before I left, right? How did that go?"

They spoke about their lives, and while they were all surface level updates, it reminded Hikari of her first night with Takeru when he had just come back—when there was no messy courtship or past baggage. They were just talking, but this time Takeru's old personality was there. She had always found him to be a quiet extrovert, often mistaken for being shy when in reality he was not. He is easy to talk to, non-judgmental, introspective. As she saw that side of him again, it was difficult for her to believe that he was the same person who had not so long ago shattered her heart.

"I never knew that my brother sleeps like a Disney princess," Takeru was saying, laughing.

"Not even a prince?"

"A princess," he assured. He closed his eyes and placed his hands in prayer position against his cheek. "Like this."

He was probably exaggerating to get a laugh out of her, but it did make her giggle, unable to imagine someone like Yamato sleeping so elegantly.

"Tsukuba is far and out of the way, but it's been nice to live with my brother," Takeru mused. "We haven't had that since we were little, so we missed out on the fighting stage."

"Are you guys fighting?"

"It's mostly him fighting me," Takeru clarified with another laugh. "I'm the pacifist, though if I'm being completely honest, then I'm probably egging him on."

"That sounds like you," she teased, though she thought in reality that his light choice of words were downplaying disputes that looked more like the one she had seen at Mimi's party.

Despite that, it was nice to be light-hearted and to have a normal conversation with him again.

"I'm mostly impressed that you're commuting to Tokyo from Tsukuba."

"Actually, I'm taking a little break from work," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh…" She wasn't sure whether to pry. She had a pretty good idea why anyway. Takeru looked so at ease about it, but she wondered whether he actually felt that way.

Takeru seemed to be aware of the relaxed atmosphere as well, because he then asked with some caution, "How was your date last night?"

His expression gave nothing away.

"It went really well," Hikari answered cordially. "He's really funny and nice. I like him."

Takeru's expression didn't change.

"Is there going to be a second?"

"Maybe. He was pretty great," she mused, even though she had no intention of seeing him again.

At that, she saw his composure break slightly. He turned away to partly shield his face before seeming to shake it off.

"That's great," he said finally, turning back to her and giving her a warm smile. "I really hope it goes well for you."

"Thanks," she answered just as generously. "I hope so too."

Silence.

It wasn't the comfortable silence that she was used to around him. It was painfully awkward, like they suddenly had nothing to talk about. She searched for a way to kick him out—surely he was thinking of a way too—but when she looked up she saw him examining his tea, looking relaxed.

"I'm grateful for this."

"The tea?"

"That too, but just this in general. That you even let me back into your life."

She didn't say anything, suddenly feeling guilty. She had said all that stuff about the date for no other reason than to get a reaction out of him, and once he gave it, she was the one who was left feeling like the bad person.

"Have you eaten?" she asked him suddenly, picking up one of the individually wrapped snacks from the coffee table. She stretched her arm out to him. He looked at her hand before obediently leaning forward to take it.

"Thank you. I'll eat it later," he said, simply placing it on his lap.

"If you haven't eaten dinner yet, then I can make something for you quickly."

"I've eaten," he insisted. Then, as if forced, he unwrapped the packaging to reveal a dorayaki. He took a small bite, chewed forever, and swallowed. He then placed the rest on his lap again.

"It's delicious," he said, though he didn't eat any more of it.

Growing up, people had often reprimanded her for having a small appetite. Now that she saw it on someone else, she understood why they worried for her.

"Takeru."

"Yes?"

She felt her heart pounding faster.

"I want to not care, but it's impossible for me. Even after all this time, I'm curious. Can I ask you?"

He looked confused. "Sure, you can ask me anything."

"Did you actually tell Catherine that you cheated on her?"

He looked taken aback at first, and then his eyes fell to point downwards. He fidgeted awkwardly, and she saw that for as normal as he had appeared before her the entire evening, he must have been putting tremendous effort into his performance.

"Yes."

She thought that was all he was going to give her. It must have been uncomfortable for him too, balancing the line between both of their privacies. He surely didn't want to talk about it, but then he spoke again.

"I did it the day I got there. I guess I must have spoken about you a lot through the years, because she guessed it was you right away." He laughed hollowly, then pointed to where his eye socket met his cheekbone. "She has so livid that she threw her phone at me—right here."

Hikari couldn't help but smirk.

"It sounds like I would have liked her," Hikari said pointedly. "I wanted to hit you so badly, but in the end I didn't."

"You can hit me. I bruise easily, so you'll probably feel satisfied afterwards."

"I won't do that, but I hope she hit you hard enough for both of us."

"Believe me, it hurt a lot. I've known her for years, but I never would have guessed she could pack such a punch." He smiled weakly at her, his eyes downcast. "Is that all you wanted to know?"

It wasn't, and she swallowed her pride, knowing the only person in the room judging her was herself.

"I know you changed her name to Yamato's on your phone. How often did you talk to her when you were with me?"

The revelation must have been news to him. He looked as scared as he had the first time she had confronted him, and it took him a few seconds to respond.

"I was spending all my time with you, so naturally she and I grew distant. I had become so inattentive that she knew something was wrong, but she didn't know what. I did change her name to my brother's, and it's true that I did it to avoid suspicion, but it's because once I checked out, she started to text me all the time. It was never that I was telling her that I missed her while I was with you."

His fear had metamorphosised into something that looked sadder.

"The same way you had a hunch, she did too. She had a suspicion that I was cheating on her, but she didn't believe it because it was me."

"I understand the feeling," she said, leaving out meaner words.

Takeru looked like an innocent fawn looking down the barrel of a gun.

"I know it sounds like I'm lying, but there was never a time when I was actively trying to be with both you and Catherine. I felt awful for what I was doing to her because of everything we'd been through together, but in my mind, she was a technicality, and I was only with you."

"That isn't how it works, Takeru."

"I know that, but at that time it's what I truly believed. When I replay how Catherine and I broke up, I wish I had said more, but at the time I couldn't. It was just too sad. It was even sadder because I told her that I had always been in love with you and still was, and she—"

He hadn't drifted off or gotten interrupted. He had merely stopped speaking and looked off in a daze.

"You must have really loved her."

Takeru seemed to snap out of whatever state he was in, and he looked uncomfortable.

Why was she doing this to herself, she wondered? Of course he loved her. Must she force him to say it?

"I'm not in love with her anymore, but I was for a long time. I still care about her. She's still important to me." He looked down at his thumbs.

She was upset with herself for feeling hurt by his answer, but unlike how she would have been in the beginning of it all, this time she felt no tears to fight back.

"Are you guys still talking?" she asked instead.

Takeru shook his head. "Not really."

"That's a non-answer," she called out.

"Ha," he breathed with a small laugh. "You're right."

He took out his phone, tapping away before turning the screen to show her long text messages written in French.

"Catherine's never yelled at me before, but she went ballistic when I told her about you. She told me she never wants to hear from me again, but she still texts me sometimes. I never respond, but I read them. Some of the things she says are pretty cruel, but I'm the one who made her this way." He laughed hollowly before withdrawing his phone. "You know what? She is still taking care of my grandmother. She said just because I can abandon my grandmother doesn't mean she can do the same."

Hikari didn't know how to reply to that.

"Is your phone password 2101?" she asked instead.

He looked surprised by that too. "Er, yes…"

"I've watched you put that in so many times. That's Catherine's birthday, right?"

He looked even more surprised.

"Oh, I didn't realise… That's just what I've always had it as for years, so it's just muscle memory… I should probably change it…"

She watched him as he did it in that moment, thinking that Catherine must have been so engraved in his life that she had affected him in ways that he couldn't even trace back to her.

"Er, may I ask how you…?" He drifted off. "Actually, never mind."

"I stalked her," she admitted, trying to sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though she knew it was. She stopped short of admitting how much Catherine's Instagram had once ruled her life.

"Oh…" Takeru said, sounding non-judgmental though he surely was judging her. "It's a little funny that I forgot something like that. I was never that great at lying."

"Well, maybe you aren't a good liar, but I believed you anyway because I didn't think you'd lie to me.

Takeru's light-hearted laughter disappeared.

"I didn't think I could either. I regret it, and I live with that regret." He looked down at his teacup. "She and I went through so much together. After all that, I would have preferred if we had ended on good terms, and it's painful to know that I'm the reason we can't. I know it's weird telling you this, but even if I don't want to be with her anymore, it's strange not to have her in my life. I know I wasted her time. It's difficult for me to come to terms with myself. I never thought I would ever be 'that guy.'"

In the story that was his betrayal to her, she realised she had failed to consider his betrayal to Catherine on the same level.

Hikari wished his emotions weren't so complicated, but she supposed hers were too. She wanted to hate him but knew a part of her still didn't.

"Did your family know?"

"No," he answered. "I lied to all of them by omission too. Even my brother only found out when he saw us at the bar. He threatened to tell you, but I threw a tantrum and told him I'd never speak to him again. I feel bad because not only did I drag him into all of this, but I know it's taken a toll on his friendships too. Our relationship has changed. He doesn't trust me anymore."

Hikari thought back to her private conversations with Yamato.

"He's just worried about you," she corrected.

"Yeah," Takeru agreed, looking very much so like he didn't believe it. She got the feeling that Yamato hadn't told him about her marching up to him on the street.

"I figured you hadn't said anything to your mum, because you never wanted me to see her."

He finally made eye contact with her. "I didn't say anything to my parents initially, but by the time I made the decision to move back, both of them knew I was moving back because of you. I know there were so many untruths, Hikari, but that ending was real. That ending where we could be together was the one I was always chasing."

She didn't entertain his comment.

"I heard your family wanted you to marry her."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Yamato."

Takeru looked betrayed, confirming that Yamato hadn't disclosed their separate conversations to him.

"Catherine and I were together for a long time. My grandmother and mum knew everything that she'd done for me, so it felt natural for them that I propose, but…" He furrowed his brows. "You told me you dumped your ex-boyfriend because something was missing. I understood that so much, because I felt the exact same thing. I was never unhappy with Catherine. She was the perfect girlfriend, and even though I did the worst thing possible to her, I did love her. To be honest, I probably did entertain the idea of proposing to her, but inside I knew I was never going to do it. As you can imagine, the thought of marrying for life is something I take quite seriously."

"Looks like she dodged a bullet," was her only reply.

He smiled meekly, hiding his hurt. "Yeah."

She knew she had just been rude and that Takeru would just accept it. She wished she could be more like Mimi or Miyako, who would have no problem pummelling him. Or she wished she could be more like Sora, who would be the bigger person and forgive him.

Instead, she was stuck between being petty and being a pushover. She couldn't let go, but neither could Takeru based on some fake image he carried of her.

"In some ways, I'm glad I was caught." She looked up and saw a sad yet serene look across his face. "From the beginning, I'd been paralysed by fear. I couldn't say anything to you, because I was so scared about what might happen. I'd hypnotised myself into believing everything would be fine… I was just so happy… I know this makes me sound like the worst person, but it was the happiest time of my life when I thought you liked me too. I thought nothing could make it not worth it, but in the end the reality was so much worse than anything I could have imagined… I truly hate myself for hurting both of you, and I know I was thinking only of myself, but on the other hand at least the truth is out. This whole ordeal has been mentally overwhelming and emotionally draining, but to be honest it's been a little relieving too."

For saying he felt relieved, he looked nothing of the sort, and again she thought about how Yamato had told her he had gone crazy. She didn't need him to tell her though. She could see it with her own two eyes, even if Takeru was trying with all his might to hide it.

"Anyway, I'll be just fine, so don't spend your time worrying about me," he said, as if reading her mind. She took a good look at his face, looking for signs of something else but instead seeing the very physical distraction of his dark circles and sunken cheeks.

"Well, I've been eating, so you should too. You've lost a lot of weight."

He gave a small grin. "Japanese food is a lot lighter than French food."

She glared at him.

"I just haven't been very hungry lately," he rephrased.

"No. You look unhealthy, and you're making your friends and family worry about you. You're human, and humans need to eat. Do you want to die?"

"It's not that easy to die," he said, frustrating her by missing the point. Then, he added, "I'll eat more."

"You can start with this."

She snatched the dorayaki off the table and put it in his hand. He laughed softly before peeling off the wrapper. He took another small bite, and she fought the urge to just stuff the entire thing into his mouth as he put the wrapper back on. Then, he stood up and placed his half-full teacup on the coffee table. "I should get going. My mum's waiting for me."

She wondered whether he was leaving because he actually had to go or whether he had just grown too uncomfortable.

She stood up too and walked him to the door, then realising something told him she'd be right back.

She hurriedly went into her room and opened her wardrobe. At the bottom behind her longer items of clothing was the box that contained his belongings. She had taped it shut so she wouldn't peek from time-to-time, but she knew the contents. It was anything that he had left behind in her flat, as well as anything he had ever given her. The photo album she had filled with their memories was on top, she having been too weak to just throw it away.

Her hands trembled as she picked it up, and she needed a moment to collect herself before going back outside.

He was waiting for her, shoes already on, looking curious and a little nervous. She gave the box to him.

"They're your things," she said, trying to sound normal but feeling her emotions boil over again.

"Oh… thanks…" He appeared at a loss for a reaction too. "Er, I can bring your stuff back to you too."

"No. Just throw everything away. I don't want any of it, because I don't want to remember any of that time. I just want to move on with my life now."

He looked mildly surprised by her snappy tone and merely gave her a silent nod. He himself hadn't changed from a minute ago, but something about this box had ignited an inner flame within her that was starting to burn erratically.

"Wait, Takeru," she said with a sharp tone. "There's something I've been wanting to say to you."

He indicated for her to continue.

"You told me the day you got back that you loved me. I didn't say it back at the time because I was so angry, but now that I've had time to think about it, I just want to make sure you know this." She looked at him in the eyes. "I liked you a lot, but I was never in love with you. That's the only reason why I can be your friend now."

Making direct eye contact less than a metre away, she saw no change in his expression. He didn't react at all, and it was in that moment that the flame went out. She was left with the realisation that she had only said it for a reaction—to save whatever sense of pride she had remaining.

There was a moment of silence, and then she saw his lips quiver before stretching into a perfectly easy smile. This one looked so real that if she hadn't had the context, she would have believed it.

"That's a relief to hear, because I couldn't bear the thought of not having you as my friend."

His words, stable and diplomatic, shattered her. She instantly felt terrible and wanted to apologise, but she didn't know what to say. Takeru's smile faded, as if he was tired from holding it in place. She broke their eye contact, unable to bear it.

"I know it doesn't change anything, but I really am sorry. For everything." He was looking straight at her too, but she shifted her gaze downwards to the box in his hands. "You're being overly kind, but I know you haven't actually forgiven me. Maybe you never will. But I really enjoyed tonight. I like spending time with you, even if it's just this. Even if you only want to see me once in a while, that's enough for me."

She didn't know what to say, because she didn't think she was being overly kind at all. Feeling awkward, she set the rest of the dorayaki he had been eating on top of his box.

"Finish it."

"I will. Thank you. I'll see you later, okay?"

She opened the door for him, and he smiled gently at her before walking out, the box saving them from the awkward moment of how they'd say goodbye. When he first came back, he would kiss the air around her cheeks. Then, they would actually kiss. Now they were nothing. Barely friends.

She watched him walk down the hall. He balanced the box on one knee so that he could call the lift, but he didn't look back at her. Perhaps he didn't realise she had not gone inside, so she closed the door quietly before he could see her.

She felt pettier than she had ever felt in her life.

I liked you a lot, but I was never in love with you. That's the only reason why I can be your friend now.

This whole time she had felt like the loser. No matter where they stood now, Takeru had been to the one who had betrayed her, not the other way around. She had said the words to give herself back some of the pride she had lost, and it had worked.

Takeru hadn't reacted emotionally. He hadn't cried or broken down like he had previously, but was that something she even wanted? Wasn't this entire night her peace offering to him? It was supposed to be anyway.

She had had nothing to gain. Even if Takeru was able to downplay his internal turmoil, he couldn't hide the very physical toll this had taken over him.

That's a relief to hear, because I couldn't bear the thought of not having you as my friend.

And Takeru was right. He was actually a terrible liar.

1 November 2023

I planned my annual Japan trip around The Beginning, and I must say… it is unlike any Digimon movie I've watched before. Maybe it's because I never watched Zero Two, but I feel nothing for the characters aside from Takeru and Hikari.