When Sesshomaru woke up in the morning, Inuyasha was sitting up and just staring at him. It was weird. He sat up and sighed a bit. "Why won't you speak?" He asked quietly. "Do you even know who I am? Where you are?" He questioned as he moved hair from in front of his eyes. Inuyasha said nothing and continued to stare at him. "…do you remember anything...?" He mumbled caressing his face. He rubbed his cheek and leaned in and pecked him softly. "I'm worried about you. Come, let's have breakfast." Sesshomaru stood and pulled a robe on, pulling a rope to call a servant while Inuyasha remained sitting in his bed.
There was no activity from Inuyasha's youkai. No emotions either. It was frustrating to not know what was happening to him. He ordered a meal for them both and they ate in his dining room. Inuyasha ate quietly without doing anything else. Sesshomaru frowned as he ate. Even Masane had no clue. With their ancestor, the woman wouldn't move or do anything at all. She was like a vegetable and retreated completely into her own mind. The fact that Inuyasha was up and moving around was more concerning. Masane was hypothesizing that everything that happened when he destroyed the fortress caused him too much mental duress which was likely slowly healing. He still wouldn't do anything on his own or speak but she was hopeful. "The person who attacked you yesterday will be tortured for 20 years before his execution. I'm sorry I didn't arrive sooner. I thought you'd at least defend yourself." He wasn't really speaking to Inuyasha so much as simply out loud.
Inuyasha continued to eat without acknowledging him. When they finished, Sakura brought him clothing and informed that his rooms had been sanitized. Sesshomaru helped him dress before bringing him on a walk through the gardens. He continued to talk at the hanyou, filling the uncomfortable silence. He spoke about the gardens, the plants, the trees. He talked about being impressed that Inuyasha managed to destroy the former fortress. Speaking about how their ancestor had built it and that it's seen many wars that couldn't come close to doing the damage he'd done. "I don't really care about that. It is easily rebuilt…that place was filled with a lot of anguish. It's no loss." He looked at Inuyasha, hoping to see some understanding but his eyes were blank and dead as usual. He pulled the hanyou closer, examining his still face.
He was quiet as he studied his mates features closely. He started to feel that minuscule confusion from before. "What are you confused about?" He asked, pressing their foreheads together. "Is it my staring?" He pulled away. "You're handsome. Beautiful even." He'd noticed on more than one occasion that servants would stare at his mate. He kissed him once more before allowing Sakura to lead him away.
Days later, they were in Masane's office again. She held the salt up to Inuyasha's nose and he flinched slightly as his youkai took over. It was the same as before, quietly staring at them. Sesshomaru had told Masane he wanted to ask the youkai about his main consciousness because it should be aware of it. "Your main self, the one you are supposed to protect. What's wrong with him?"
The youkai blinked; I don't know. It spoke quietly in inu.
"Is he speaking to you at all?"
No.
"Do you know why?"
Not…not…okay?
"He's hurt?" The youkai didn't answer but it frowned. Mate, are you hurt? The youkai didn't want to answer this question. He felt like Sesshomaru would get upset and hurt him if he did. It began to pour outside and Sesshomaru felt despair and fear from his mate. The hanyou's breath began to come quicker. Mate. Answer my question. Worried eyes looked at the youkai lord.
His youkai told him that he was frightened and demanded he comfort their distressed mate. Sesshomaru wanted to sigh. For it to have been ingrained in even his youkai, he didn't know what to do…how to fix him. Mate, I just want to help you. Can you tell me what happened? Are you hurt?
Inuyasha's youkai looked around the room before looking at him once more. Hurt..? Sesshomaru scowled at the odd answer.
"Do you need help?"
Yes..?
Sesshomaru was trying not to get frustrated. "Milord, does he have control over his body?" Masane asked. The youkai felt no need to respond to her until Sesshomaru told it too.
No.
"Who's in control then?" Sesshomaru asked, thinking about the fact that his human half is as his youkai is.
No one. I think…
Sesshomaru's eyes widened as he relayed the information to Masane. She didn't understand how that was possible. It was confusing. "Are you suppressing him?" Sesshomaru then asked.
No.
"Is your human half suppressing him?"
No…no…
Sesshomaru tried not to sigh. If he wasn't being suppressed, then was his mind shattered? Is that what happened? He clenched his fists. Inuyasha was resilient, how could something break him like this? "Thank you for answering my questions, mate." He said quietly before pecking the hanyou on the mouth again. He felt a bit of surprise from the youkai and then despair and fear squashed it. Soon enough, the drug made him pass out and he didn't wake for hours.
Sesshomaru tried other healers and magic, but nothing helped to bring Inuyasha out of this state. It annoyed him. He would eat and sleep and nothing else. The youkai was currently in his own bedroom. He was taking a break from all that had happened the last few months. His mind went to Inuyasha again and what was said. If the youkai, the human, and the main self weren't in control then why was he moving around? Could this also happen to a youkai? Or is it a hanyou specific thing. Inuyasha was confusing and he found himself wishing again that his youkai had just let him kill him. Anything would be better than the current situation.
He stared at the ceiling, trying to think of another way that he hadn't yet tried. It was hard to think of solutions when he didn't know what was wrong with him. He sighed to himself before going back to his duties. He would have Sakura report on Inuyasha, but the reports were always the same. She had him on a routine but expressed that he would watch things that moved or made noise not necessarily because he was registering that people were speaking to him most of the time. He would do as he was told though which the youkai found strange.
None of the healers brought had ever seen such a state, and he got desperate and started bringing in human healers too. One was an extremely old and frail woman. When she saw him, she began to speak to him but like usual he only stared at her. She seemed to sigh checking him over. "You've been through a lot in your life haven't you child…" she mumbled. "…you were already so close to your breaking point…" She frowned. Inuyasha didn't respond and once she stopped talking his attention went to the servants working outside until she spoke again.
She touched his cheek, and he turned towards her. When his attention was off of her, she continued to try different things eliciting different reactions. Sesshomaru and Masane were watching quietly. "I've seen a few women and children in this state in my time…usually those living in war torn areas…" She murmured staring at Inuyasha's eyes, "Is this how you've chosen to cope with what you've been through?" She asked. "What a poor and unfortunate child you are." Inuyasha continued to stare at her. "Do you know your name? Do you know where you are?" He continued to stare at her without moving.
Sesshomaru scowled, "He likely doesn't understand what you're saying.
Still, she continued to speak at him. Just watching his responses and reactions. "Are you in so much danger that this is the only thing you could do to protect yourself? It seems safe for you here. You are surrounded by people who want to help you." The hanyou continued to look at her, the woman frowned softly and nodded at her own understanding. "I need information on his life before I can continue or advise. Knowing what happened leading up to this situation would help."
Masane looked at Sesshomaru, she didn't know him before he'd been brought here. In fact, she still didn't know much about him aside from the rumors of his blood relation to the lord. She decided to step out and give them space to speak. Sesshomaru began to explain about his birth and the life he'd lived up until being brought to the castle. Then, as if that information wasn't terrible enough, he told her what his youkai did, what he'd done. "He disappeared then reappeared and demolished the previous castle. I do not know what occurred while he was away." The woman tried to keep her composure. She knew this demon would not hesitate to kill her for any perceived disrespect. She'd heard of this hanyou during her time. She'd heard of his deeds and hardships before. "It's no wonder he's in this state then…perhaps he was already past his breaking point…a human…a human couldn't live such a life…" She spoke calmly, "Perhaps a youkai of resilient mind…but humans…can only take so much. He's protecting himself right now. This state…doesn't come easy and rarely goes. I can't give you good news milord." She checked his pulse. "A youkai's physical constitution with the mentality of a human being. A body that can handle the abuse but a mind that breaks easily." She…didn't have a remedy for that. It wasn't possible to recover from such a thing without magic or a miracle.
She began to explain what she thought was happening to him in detail in the hall to the youkai healer who hadn't remained in the room. "His body is trying to protect him from what has happened. From this life he's living. It's possible that he isn't aware of his surroundings at all and is instead trapped within his own mind. Based on what you've said about his youkai, it's likely caused by his human blood and his barely functioning youkai is what is keeping him up and moving. Surviving. I don't have a remedy for this…most humans that are in this state…are killed... I have seen some recover through miracles and will…I'm just not certain he's someone who wants to. My apologies."
Masane frowned, it was a human ailment then. She had never treated humans before. "What can we do for him?"
"Being away from what caused this state is a good start. Regular meals and rest. Herbs to stimulate blood flow as well. He should not be around anyone or anything that distresses him either." She explained. "There's no reason for his consciousness to want to return…this state likely feels like a safe haven." Sesshomaru held in a sigh before sending the woman on her way with payment for her assistance.
He opened the door and walked to Inuyasha who was watching him blankly. Masane had been dismissed and Sakura was off preparing a meal for him, so it was only them two in the room. He stroked his hair, "I'll do what I can to help you recover."
As usual Inuyasha only continued to stare at him. The youkai sighed and left him alone. He didn't end up seeing the hanyou again for weeks. However, there was no note of improvement in his state. It was frustrating. Masane wanted to speak to his youkai again, but he couldn't allow that too much. Not when it could harm his soul.
—
Just as the old healer told them, Inuyasha wasn't even the slightest bit aware of what was going on around him. He was currently trapped in his own body, being held hostage by his human blood. It would be different if his consciousness was being suppressed, he could at least fight back. However, it was like he was pinned to the tree again. He was sleeping once more. It was comfortable like this, he was comfortable like this. There were no dangers here, no crippling fear, and no one harming him.
Everyday he felt himself sinking further and further into this comfort. It felt like he was sinking slowly. It felt safe here. There would be times when he would wake a bit. He would hear people speaking to him each day. Mainly a woman he didn't recognize. She would ask him questions and tell him about things. At first, he thought it was Kagome. That's who he wanted to see. That would be the only reason he felt the need to wake up, if he could see her again.
He would also hear others and a man that he didn't like. That man would disturb him. He would feel himself wanting to sink further when he heard him speak. He wanted that man to leave him alone and let him rest. Nothing mattered when he was like this though, he didn't care when he was like this. His mind began to play through his life, letting him relieve his memories. His adventures with his friends, his first and his second love. All of which he'd lost. Right? He didn't have that anymore. His friends were gone, as were those he loved. He was alone now. He was alone again. He sank further.
He would get glimpses of scenery at times. He saw someone die. He saw a garden. He even saw someone he didn't want to see at all. He couldn't remember why, but he hated that person. He wanted to run away but he couldn't do anything anymore. His mind began to hyper fixate on the fact that he was now, well and truly alone. No one would come to his aid…his luck had finally run out.
In the real world a change finally happened. Inuyasha stopped moving. He was staring straight ahead, and Sakura watched as tears began to stream down his face. "Milord..!? What happened? Are you in pain!?" The sky darkened quickly as it began to pour. The hanyou made no effort to wipe away the tears and they just dripped down his face. Sakura rushed to ask a guard to send word to Masane and Lord Sesshomaru, both of whom came quickly.
"Inuyasha." Sesshomaru spoke but the hanyou didn't respond. He didn't look at him or even blink for that matter. "…he's getting worse…" he mumbled coming closer and wiping the tears from his face though more quickly began to pour. "Inuyasha…" He whispered and the storm worsened. He wanted to know what was going on in his head. After a while, the tears stopped, and he continued to stare off into space unresponsive. "Mate." He tried but Inuyasha remained as he was. Still and unmoving. "Mate." The storm calmed to nothing. Inuyasha wouldn't respond to either of them which is what prompted the unfortunate use of the salts once again.
His eyes changed and he looked at them, before lying down and closing his eyes. "Mate." Sesshomaru loomed over him. Red eyes peeked open and only looked at him before making himself smaller and looking ahead once more and closing his eyes again. "Inuyasha." He growled, using his youki to prompt a reaction but while he opened his eyes, he only curled into himself, making himself smaller. He didn't speak, or growl or yelp. He wouldn't even answer him. He didn't have a reason to.
Inuyasha remained in that catatonic state for months. Masane working furiously to make sure he didn't inadvertently starve. It was almost a year since the hanyou had initially been brought. Spring was here now again. The hanyou would sleep most of the time but wouldn't even sit up if his eyes opened. He would remain where he was and in the same position like their ancestor. Sakura continued to care for him each day, speaking to him about daily life in the castle and the things she'd learned was going on in the world. She was sad though. She'd never seen someone hurt like this before. The hanyou had seemed so headstrong that this was frightening for her.
She was currently cleaning his body and moving him around to prevent bedsores. "When you're better, you should see the new gardens. The flowers are amazing. You'll love the new fruit trees too." She then flinched when he suddenly moved. His eyes were weird though. He stood quickly, looking around. "Milord!?"
He didn't respond to her and simply left the room. "Lord Inuyasha wait!" Sakura called chasing after him.
A guard quickly went to inform Masane and Sesshomaru. They found them in the armory. Just as Inuyasha put a blade to his own throat. The youkai grabbed him quickly, but Inuyasha didn't try to fight him. He only looked and felt confused about why he was being stopped. "What are you doing!?" The youkai growled angrily. Inuyasha only continued to stare at him without blinking. Sesshomaru noted his eyes though. They were dark brown again. He took the blade and Inuyasha simply reached for another one. Since it didn't seem like Inuyasha would really fight against him, he carried him away quickly. Back in the hanyou's room he only sat and stared straight ahead. It was as if Inuyasha couldn't even hear him. His eyes changed back though. Back to golden.
Masane frowned, she had been right. It took a long while but the hanyou was going to attempt to kill himself.
In his mind though, he was already at peace. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to remain there for the rest of his days. In safety, comfort. He had no worries here. No one could harm him. No one could be taken away from him again. He was alone, but this was better than how he'd lived before. If this state he was in was a body of water, he'd been up to his chest for a long time. When he'd first been attacked it rose to his neck, then to his chin, then when he'd been sent back only his face was out of the water. Now, it was close to swallowing him entirely. He would be gasping for air if he sunk any further, and he would soon drown.
In the real world, as the days passed, Inuyasha made more attempts on his own life. He would injure himself at times and Sesshomaru was extremely frustrated. He didn't want to stop him anymore. He wanted to let him go through with killing himself. However, his youkai was furious at that idea and demanded that he fix his mate. He couldn't. He was currently holding the hanyou from behind. Pinning his arms to his body to keep him from moving. He decided having a healer in the room at all times was best.
He…didn't want to lock him away like many had suggested. He promptly forced them all out. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't be like him…at least he was trying not to be.
Since it was spring, it was currently mating season. He felt hot and feverish as he soaked in a cold bath. Of course, when he had a mate, he was incapable of suppressing it. He was making sure to stay away from Inuyasha because he was sure his youkai wouldn't care much about his state. He sighed in annoyance as he pulled himself from the bath. He couldn't remain there for the duration of the season.
Half-dressed he collapsed onto his bedding and dozed off. Each day his mind was filled with the problems he was dealing with, namely Inuyasha, and the fever of his heat wasn't making things easier on him. "Ugh…" His dreams were also filled with thoughts of him.
In Inuyasha's room, his current guard and Sakura watched him stand. He paid them no mind as he left with the guard on his heels. They weren't allowed to touch him unless they were stopping him from harming himself, nor were they to restrict his movements. He was surprised when he followed the hanyou to the king's rooms. He'd ordered none to enter his chambers, but he was confused on if that included his mate who just waltzed in without shutting the door behind him.
The guard was frozen, unsure of what he should do. He went to speak to his supervisor as quickly as possible. Inuyasha stood in the middle of the sitting room for a while, doing nothing and staring ahead. He then moved again looking around the room before entering the room Sesshomaru lie sleeping in. The youkai was flushed and feverish. He peeked open golden eyes and saw Inuyasha standing there though he was dizzy. "Ugh…now I'm seeing the nuisance too." The youkai groaned, seeing double at a point. His youkai was trying to overcome him, and he held on tightly. He was delirious and his eyes tinted red. He was staring at him, "You should've just died as a child. Then…no one…would be worried about…where my mother is…"
Inuyasha gave no reaction to this statement. He just continued to stare until looking to the side as if seeing something important. At least, to his current mind it was important. It was just a simple letter opener. It was what he needed. To make sure the pain and fear stopped forever. The pain would be over soon. As he raised the blade to his throat, Sesshomaru still thought he was a hallucination and wouldn't have moved if not for the urgency of his youkai.
Being able to grab him, froze him. He forcefully took the blade and threw it out of the window. Inuyasha gave no reaction and only stared at where the blade was thrown. Sesshomaru was panting because of the effort it took. "I never thought you were weak of mind…what a foolish assumption I made." He released the hanyou and collapsed on his back on his bedding once more. His eyes were still on his mate who continued to stare at the window. He wondered if he would ever recover. At this point he doubted it.
Maybe he should have just locked him away. In a bubble he couldn't escape, with minimal guards and servants. Out of public view, away from him. He should just let him kill himself. Sesshomaru didn't care about why his youkai was so adamant about keeping him alive anymore. He shouldn't exist.
He continued to stare at him before speaking, "Izaiyoi." He watched the hanyou flinch a bit and sat up slowly. He felt like his head was swimming as he held on to his sanity with all of his strength. "Your mother was so foolish." Inuyasha slowly looked at him. His now brown eyes empty as usual. "I opened the door and she wouldn't leave." Sesshomaru hated seeing brown eyes. They reminded him of her. "Since you likely won't remember anyway, I'll tell you something interesting about your mother. She hadn't fallen in love with our father. There's no such thing as love between youkai and humanity. Humans are food in one way or another. Father…was devouring her mind body and soul, and she was trapped….so like before…I opened the door…but she wouldn't leave…" The youkai reclined to his back once more.
"So…I opened a different door and let her family rescue her, but she foolishly wished to return and called to the monster that took her." He sighed and panted, "She wasn't in her right mind…that's for certain." He closed his eyes, subduing his youkai more. He looked at Inuyasha again, "Do you think a human could truly end him? Do you think it all happened in one night by coincidence?" He asked. "No. Fate doesn't work like that. I curated our father's death and struck him down myself. That's what truly happened that night. I thought to kill you and your mother as well, but I figured her relatives would anyway. Congratulations. Now you know the unfortunate circumstances of your existence." He huffed looking at the ceiling again. "The lie was better than that uncomfortable truth. No one was being harmed anymore. I wonder if killing you was really my only option. My youkai has irrevocably complicated things." He looked at his mate again. "Maybe it would be better if we both met our end."
He was searching for any amount of understanding. "Do you get it Inuyasha? The lies you were told were perfectly crafted by those around you. I wonder why I allowed that. I wonder why I chose to cover up his misdeeds. You're the product of a young woman being kidnapped and tormented by a demon lord. Nothing more. Had she been in her right mind she likely would have smothered you as an infant. Humans are easy to break like that as we've been told, obviously." Sesshomaru quieted thinking about his mother. He'd only ever seen her 23 times, and only sought her out twice in his adult life. He was her reminder. A reminder of her suffering.
"Maybe I should have told you this before…" He sighed openly, "…you wouldn't have believed it though I'm certain. Foolish younger brother. You shouldn't exist." He stated coldly. "Neither of us should." He wondered if Inuyasha was at all aware in the state he was in again. He wondered if some part could hear. He'd reacted to his mother's name so perhaps there was a chance. "You claimed so adamantly that you wouldn't give your life to me since you've fought your whole life for it. Being like this is better? Do you really think I couldn't kill you? Don't you understand that you only survived because my youkai willed it? I can't act against it. It saved you time and time again and I can't for the life of me understand why some part of me wishes for you to live. Everything would be easier if you died, yet here I am once again, saving you, even from yourself." He looked at the ceiling again, "I should have let Naraku end you." He sighed again, turning to his side and just staring at the standing hanyou. "You're annoying. I despise you. I've done a spectacular job of ruining things. Should I let you kill yourself? What a pitiful way for someone like you to die." He half chuckled to himself, thinking about the first few months of being mated to him. "Why the fuck would I mate you of all people?" He grumbled to himself.
Sesshomaru then stood, going to Inuyasha and carrying him from the room back to his own chambers. Youkai were scattering left and right because of his lacking control of his energy. He didn't care though. He was hot and uncomfortable. He put Inuyasha in his bed and sat beside him, trying to regain some of his sense before calling Masane to keep an eye on him and returning to the bath in his chambers. When he felt cooled enough, he collapsed in his bed without dressing. He was feeling a lot more delirious after dealing with Inuyasha.