Welcome to Book 2 of this AU saga! I know I said I wasn't sure when I would start posting this, but I really needed some comfort after that finale. My boys. *sob*
This story is mostly rated T but there will be a chapter or two with an M rating. These chapters will be indicated as such. Otherwise, general warnings for language, violence, gore, the usual.
Title from Chris Kasper's song "And You Wait". I really need to work on having shorter titles lol.
No copyright infringement intended.
"Sam!" Dean exclaimed, nearly tripping over the table in his rush to get to his brother.
But Sam had seen the gun in his hand and the memory of Dean shooting his demonic self flashed before his eyes, phantom pain flaring in his chest. Instinctively, he recoiled from Dean and took a step back to put the doorframe in between them. The motion stopped his brother in his tracks and his face fell.
"Sam? Are-are you alright?" Dean's tone had gone from ecstatic to trying to calm a frightened, injured animal.
Because that's all you are now, a voice whispered in Sam's head.
He swallowed hard in agitation and looked up at Dean, forcing himself to hold Dean's eyes.'S-sorry. Ju-just got spooked.'His gaze flicked to the gun and then back to Dean's face.
Dean followed the movement and quickly tossed the gun aside. "Sorry, reflex. I didn't know if you were—"
'Lucifer, I know.'Sam's voice sounded so small and timid.'I'm not, I p-promise. You can t-test me.'He held his arms forward, offering himself up for whatever test Dean wanted.
Dean shook his head. "I don't need to. I know it's you." He took a step towards Sam and was relieved that Sam didn't move away. He took another step forward. He noted Sam's fingers clench on the doorframe but he didn't otherwise retreat. He got within arms reach and when Sam didn't react, he swept Sam up into the tightest hug he could remember giving. Sam froze under his touch, barely suppressing a flinch, then returned the embrace as best he could.
Dean knew he should probably check on Sam first and see if he needed anything, but his guilt silenced any other thoughts. "Sammy, oh my God, Sammy, I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. This is my fault, I should have picked up the damn phone when you needed me. I'm the worst brother in the world—"
'No, you're not,' Sam interrupted. 'You're the best brother in the world. You s-saved me, more times than I can count. You saved me from—' Sam hesitated but forced himself to keep going. 'Fromthem, and from Lucifer. I couldn't have made it back without you.'
"But none of it would have happened if I hadn't been such a dick and made you stay away. I basically kicked you out and I was so wrong to do that. I hope one day you can forgive me."
Dean pulled out of the embrace to look at Sam, trying to communicate his sincerity and regret. Tears brimmed in both their eyes.
"Dean!" Bobby's voice called excitedly. "I can't explain it, but I can walk again! My legs are worki—" He stopped abruptly when ran into the room from another entrance and saw Sam, awake. "Sam?!"
Dean spun so they could both see Bobby. Sam smiled as a tear dripped down his face. He struggled to hold Bobby's gaze but he took a step towards him. 'Heya, Bobby.'
"Boy, it is so good to see you awake!" He strode over to Sam and gave him a tight hug before pulling back and holding his shoulders. Sam's head was still tucked down. "How are you feeling? Is there anything you need?"
Sam looked up, completely unsure how to answer that question. He didn't even get the chance to think about his response because Bobby huffed in surprise and stepped back, pulling out a gun and aiming it at Sam. "What are you? Are you really Sam?"
Not anymore, you aren't,that voice mocked.
Sam put his hands up in defense. 'It's me, I promise.'
"Bobby," Dean warned.
"Why is his eye like that? What's going on?"
'Lucifer. It's from Lucifer. He must have done something to me, but it's me, I swear.'
Bobby suddenly looked even more suspicious. "How are you doing that?"
"Doing what?" Dean asked.
Bobby threw a startled glance at Dean. "You can hear me?"
Dean blinked a few times, pondering that. "Yeah, I guess so. Got my hearing back when I saw Sam." Only now did it register that the two events may be connected.
"I'm bettin' that was the same time I got my legs back." Bobby narrowed his eyes. "I'm gonna ask you again. How did you do that, and how did you heal us?"
Sam shrugged, but he was shaking slightly. He looked back and forth nervously between Dean and Bobby. 'I-I don't know. I didn't try to, if that's what you're asking...'
"You see it yet, Dean?"
Dean scrunched his brow in confusion. "Besides a starving, exhausted little brother with a glowing red eye that Lucifer probably left as a parting gift? No, I'm not seeing anything." Dean moved so that he could assess Sam. "What is it?" Dean could feel the panic radiating off of Sam. "Just spill Bobby, you're freaking him out."
"Watch when he talks." The older men gazed at Sam, waiting.
'What about when I talk?' Sam queried.
Realization dawned on Dean's face, but instead of being skeptical, it only confirmed something for Dean. "Man, I told you earlier, Bobby. And I was right!" Dean seemed pleased but Bobby still looked disgruntled.
'Dean, what?' Sam was getting visibly upset.
"You're frickin' telepathic dude! When you talk, your mouth doesn't move. But wehearyou. There were a few times while you were still out that I would touch your arm or something and hear your voice. See, I knew it!" Dean was beaming at Bobby but the other two men were clearly still trying to incorporate the information into their new reality.
Bobby put his gun away and his mood softened. "Canyou talk?"
Sam's glance shifted anxiously. 'I don't know. I haven't had to in... in a l-long time.' He was afraid to know the answer. What iftheyhad stolen his voice from him?
"But you spoke earlier," Dean offered. "When you were on demon blood—oh..."
Sam hunched in on himself and bowed his head.
"It's not your fault, Sam," Bobby said confidently. "They forced it on you. I've been reading the journals they kept—"
Sam's head snapped up so fast Dean thought he might get whiplash. 'Theykept journals?!' What little color Sam had drained from his face as he turned and fled.
"Really, Bobby? He's been awake less than ten minutes and you drop that shit on him?" Bobby gave an apologetic shrug. Dean turned to follow Sam and saw the front door wide open. He sighed and set out to retrieve his brother.So much for a happy reunion.
Sam wanted to run away, as far as he could and never look back, but his strength was failing him. He found an open trunk in the junkyard and threw himself into it. He closed the door as quietly as he could. He cursed his luck when he saw that the locking mechanism was broken. He'd just have to stay completely silent and maybe Dean wouldn't find him.
"Sam?" Dean shouted. He was mercifully far away.
Sam curled into a ball and sunk his fingers into his hair. What was he gonna do? His best hope had been that Dean and Bobby wouldn't know too much and he'd be able to just bury it and move on. Not that he would ever forgive himself, but he could at least pretend for both their sakes. But they knew. He wasn't sure how much, but any of it was bad enough. Why the fuck didtheyhave to keep journals? Why?
He pulled on his hair, panic and anxiety consuming him. All he wanted was to be accepted again and now that was off the table.
"Sammy? C'mon man, it's alright."
What was possibly alright about this situation? He was a demonic weapon that had been used and abused, sold to the highest bidder. Dean had been the only thing to save him from Lucifer, so he couldn't even claim the moral high ground there. He wasn't worth the care of people like Dean and Bobby. Trapped in his mind, he had thought maybe he was worth it, maybe he could be if they didn't know. But no one could look at him the same, as human, as worth loving, knowing what he had done. He wouldn't ask that of Dean.
He realized now that even though he had escaped his mind with the understanding that Dean would take him back no matter what, he saw how unfair that was. It was too big of an ask. He was the anathema of all Dean stood for. He has been unfaithful and betrayed his family because of Ruby, then gained supernatural powers by drinking demon blood, and hurt innocent people due to said powers. How cruel then that Dean wouldn't actually kill him like he had promised. He didn't deserve to live.
"Why are you hiding? I just got you back and you're already trying to run away?"
It's for your own good, Sam thought to himself bitterly.
"What? No! What would be good for me is to have my brother here."
'Y-you weren't meant to hear that...'Guess he needed to control this newfound telepathy a little better. How does one even practice that?
"Sam, whatever is going through your head right now, you can tell me. Hell, you can tell me about any of it. Or none of it. I don't care. I just want you here."
No, Dean, you don't. The Sam you knew is dead. Why don't you tell him that?
"Sam, c'mon," Dean called. "I just got you back and you're already trying to bail? You can trust me. You don't need to be afraid of me."
No, Dean, leave, please, and you'll never have to see me again. I'll stay far, far away and never bother you, bother anyone, just don't send me back.
"Send you back?! Why the fuck would I do that?" His voice was louder and he sounded a little irritated. "I've been hunting you down formonths, and you think I'm gonna let you go that easy?"
Hunting me down?!His brain latched onto that phrase and fear infested him.
Hunting you down like the monster you are. He said he was done saving you...
Footsteps approached his hiding spot and he braced himself. Fingers curled under the trunk door and Sam felt his power surge outward, attempting to hold the door in place.
"What the hell, Sam? Let me in. I'm trying to help you."
'No one can help me. Nothing can help me. Please, leave me alone, I'll be g-good, I promise.'
Dean tried to lift the trunk again but it wouldn't budge. He rubbed a hand over his face in exasperation. He was not at all prepared for this.But you should have been. What made you think he was gonna wake up and be fine? Idiot.
"You think I'm here to hurt you?" Dean asked softly. "You think we don't want you around anymore? You're wrong. We've been trying to find you and getting anyone we can to help. Ellen, Rufus, Lindsey—"
'Lindsey?! She's okay?!'Sam's focus broke and Dean was able to lift the door. His little brother scrunched into a tiny ball. Sam's nails were digging into his scalp.
"Yeah, and you can see her when she's done work if you ever decide to leave this trunk." Sam shook his head. "She wants to see you."
'She shouldn't.'
"Don't make me drag you out of this car," he threatened gently. When Sam didn't respond, Dean reached forward to grab Sam's arm. He was about six inches from Sam's withered bicep when he felt himself rebuffed by a wall of tingling energy.Kid's got some crazy new mojo."Sam. Come on."
Sam shook his head. 'Why won't you just leave?! I'm no good to you anymore.'
Maybe you never were. Maybe your entire life has been one endless burden for him that he's borne with a smile on his face because that's what was expected of him.
"Dude, you know that's not true. And even if it was true, I don't keep you around because of what you candofor me, it's because you're my little brother and I want you around."
'You shouldn't. You know what's happened. You know what I've done.'
"Actually, I don't know that much. Bobby hid the journals from me. But that's not the point. I don't care, Sam, I don't care what you did or didn't do. I don't give a rat's ass about what those bastards forced you to do. Because I knowyouwouldn't have done it if you had the choice. Because you are one of the most moral, stick-up-the-ass, righteous people I know and you were doing what you had to do to get by. I don't hold that against you and you shouldn't either."
Dean tried reaching forward and was relieved he could touch Sam, though it did elicit a flinch. He took hold of Sam's forearms and pulled his hands down from his face. Sam's eyes were puffy and shining.'You don't know, Dean, you don't know what I've done. You would hate me. You will hate me.'
Like he doesn't already?
Dean sighed. "I can't hate you. It's not possible. Alright, enough of this, I'm getting you outta here." Without warning, Dean gripped Sam's thigh and shoulder and pulled Sam out of the trunk. Sam flailed in panic and they both tumbled to the ground. Dean landed on his ass and Sam's head wasn't far from his lap. He dragged Sam closer to him and held Sam's head over his chest. Dean's voice dropped into the hoarse whisper he reserved for speaking uncomfortable truths. "I hate myself for pushing you away when you needed me most. I hate myself because I couldn't protect you from all this shit. I hate myself for failing at the only job that's really mattered in my life: keeping you safe—"
'Dean—'
"I don't wanna hear any more excuses from you. You didn't deserve any of this."
Sam let Dean's statement loiter in his mind. At this point, he wasn't sure if he actually did deserve everything or if he had just convinced himself of it as a way of coping. In the end, did it matter? It had still happened and he had to deal with the fallout. Though how was he supposed to deal? No amount of therapy, booze, or anything else would fix this.This.All that 'this' entailed. Memories came flooding into his mind and he was swept away in the current. The onslaught caught him off guard and he felt himself drowning in misery and shame.
Dean felt the air around them become charged with energy, the hair on his arms and back of his neck standing on end like before a lightning strike. His brother started shaking and gasping for air. "Sam? Sammy? What's going on? Talk to me." He spun Sam's body so that his head was laying in his lap. Sam's eyes were closed tightly and fought Dean's attempt to manually open them. The right eye was fine, but the red glow of the left eye had intensified significantly since Dean had last observed it. "Sam, c'mon, I'm right here, listen to me, I won't let anything bad happen, I got you, baby brother, please..."
Sam latched on to the sound of Dean's voice and forcibly reversed the flow. The blazing pressure in his brain relented as it returned to a small orb of hurt, just waiting to explode like the Big Bang at some future time. Sam knew this was temporary, but he didn't care. Dean was here. Dean had found him. Dean still wanted him.
He hadn't noticed the flare of power that had left him but as it came crashing back into him, it burned through his body, causing him to cry out in pain. Dean swept Sam up towards his chest, holding him tight and murmuring nonsense comfort. Sam buried his face into Dean's warmth and let out the tears he had been holding back. He wrapped his arms around Dean's torso and held on to his brother as ugly, violent sobs wracked his body.
Dean plunged a hand into Sam's hair and placatingly stroked Sam's head. His other arm was pressing Sam into his own body, trying to provide comfort any way he could.
"I'm here, Sam. No matter what happened, I'm here. I won't leave you. I promise. I'm here. We'll make this right, I swear..."
Dean wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but the sun had certainly moved quite a bit. Sam eventually wore himself out, his sobs ebbing into sniffles and then silence. He loosened his grip on Sam and let him slip back down into his lap. His brother was asleep and actually looked peaceful despite the tear stains and snot covering his face. Dean carefully cleaned him off with his shirt and just sat staring at him. Tears forced themselves out of his eyes as he reflected on the past months of uncertainty and pain, his current joy at having Sam back but the sorrow of seeing Sam's state, and the challenge of what was to come. Sam clearly had developed psychic abilities beyond anything they had encountered before and he seemed to have very little control over them. Learning to wield them was going to be difficult, especially because it appeared to be linked to his emotional state.
Dean rubbed his hands over his face. This was going to be insane. He looked down at his brother, simultaneously amazed and horrified. What had Sam been through that would trigger these changes? Missouri had been surprised by his power... How much of that was Sam's innate ability, demon blood, Lucifer, effects from his torture, or something else?
One step at a time, he chastised himself. Getting Sam back on his feet was his priority. Figuring out his powers would come later. He was lucky to have Sam back at all, and he would do whatever necessary to get Sam back in fighting shape. Whatever that looked like. He wouldn't push Sam away for whatever powers he did or didn't have. Dean had learned his lesson. They were family. Sam was his brother, first and foremost, and above all else. Nothing would get in the way of that ever again.