Chapter Twelve: (Betrothed Couple)
"Hey, that is my princess, green tights!." Shrek frowned as he looked at the man. "Go find your own!."
Robin Hood sighed frustratedly as he is trying to get some kisses off from Fiona, who is pushing him back and stepped away from him the best way she possibly can. That, and dealing with a rude interruption from the ogre and his companions.
"Now, look here, monster!." Robin Hood looked at Shrek, Jason, and Donkey. "Can you not see that I am a little bit busy here?!. I'm trying to get laid!."
"Oh, in your sick pervert dreams, pal!." Fiona pushed him off of her.
"Yeah, you tell him, Fiona. And besides, Hood, don't you already have a woman?." Jason got the man's attention. "Does a woman by the name of Maid Marian ring any bells to you?."
Robin Hood sighed when reminded about the woman that everyone claims he loves. "Oh, my dear boy, do not believe what that book tells you. That underhanded shakedown good-for-nothing author wrote lies about me and all the other people he wrote."
"And…what is the truth about you?." Donkey asked.
Robin Hood shrugged his shoulders. "Sure why not. Oh, Merry Men!."
As soon as Robin Hood spoke the last part of a singing tune, everyone started hearing instruments being played warming up and turned to the source. Shrek, Jason, and Donkey looked to see fake bushes and fake trees moving about to make a clear path. After doing this they started hearing a catchy tune and began to play before seeing the people behind it, and saw nonother than Robin Hood's Merry Men in person. With that started, Robin Hood backflipped down from the branch and started leading the musical number, while leaving Fiona to see where this was going as she can not tell if this is a treat or a pain in the you-know-what.
Merry Men started the opening of the song with cheerfulness. "Ta da, da da da da - whoo!."
"I steal from the rich and give to the needy…" Robin Hood threw a big juicy apple to Donkey.
Donkey caught the apple with his mouth and immediately tasted the sweet juices of the fruit in delight, before one of the Merry Men came over to him and said, "He takes a wee percentage."
Another one came over to Jason and handed him a bag of coins. "It is not much, just the whole bag and give you enough to make it for the day."
When saying that, the man took the bag back from Jason and handed the teen ten coins to his confusion.
"Seriously?." Jason looked at the people while having that look on his face.
"Seriously!." all of the Merry Men spoke.
"But, hey, in my defense, my and my Merry Men's generous services are not for free or cheap. In fact, we charge the poor with fees." Robin Hood explains with cheerfulness.
"Such as labor, traveling, convenience, and just showing up!." spoke the Merry Men.
"And as for my so-called lover who happened to be, Maid Marian, she is not my full-time lover but a part-time lover. In fact, she just so happens to be my beautiful cousin who I sometimes have wonderful sexual relations with from time to time!. Let alone she is also the mother of my bastard son and daughter." said Robin Hood.
"Which by the way he does not claim or spend time and not do anything with them!." sang the Merry Men, while doing a few dancing.
Shrek crossed his arms. "Now, that does not sound right, none whatsoever."
"Ha, Ha, can you blame me?. After all, I am…" Robin Hood did a heroic pose.
"Mr. Hood aka The Hood!." every Merry Men spoke all at once.
"Break it down, boys." Robin Hood ordered as he and his men started doing the Irish-style dance.
All four watched Robin Hood and his Merry Men with awkward facial expressions, as they watched them be full of themselves. At this point and moving forward in the future, all four will never read any more fairytale storybooks as long as they live. Especially for Jason, whose own childhood has now gone right down into a dirty toilet. After they broke the Irish style of dancing, Robin Hood continued his song about himself.
"And so doing this line of self-employment work, I needed to get paid a little extra." sang Robin Hood.
"And he is not talking about money!." sang the Merry Men.
"That is right you four, I need a woman to help get me laid and manhood seriously needs to get sucked on." Robin Hood looked at Fiona before licking his lips.
"Ewww." Fiona put her hands up in disgust.
Robin Hood then looked at Shrek, Jason, and Donkey. "But if the woman refuses to get banged by me and prefers to be banged by an Ogre, a Jackass, and a Moor…then that is bad."
Robin Hood began to frown with that in mind, before his Merry Men started repeating the words. "That is Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. That is really bad."
Next, Robin Hood and his men started approaching Shrek, Jason, and Donkey while snapping their fingers. "With that being said, it makes me awfully mad!."
"Awfully mad!. He is really awfully mad!." the Merry Men in anger.
Fiona eyed the sick man who would not take responsibility for his children pulling out a small dagger. She has a very good idea as to what this is leading to and needed to step in without hesitation. Fiona waited for her moment to take action. It did not take long, as Robin Hood started singing the final part of his self music.
"Now, as I take this blade and ram it into your throat, Ogre, I will then kill your donkey and cook him as our meal. And finally as for you Moor, I will take you and make you part of my Merry Men." Robin Hood looked at his men. "Lookout boys, because this is the finish right about now!..."
Fiona quickly backflipped off the branch and then karate side kicked Robin Hood, who landed up against the tree out cold. Shrek, Jason, and Donkey looked at Fiona in awe and shock as they had any idea that this woman is capable of doing something like that.
"Man, that was so annoying!." Fiona looked at the three. "I was seconds away from going insane you guys."
"Why you little!..." one of the Merry Men loaded an arrow into his crossbow and about to fire.
Fiona looked and frowned before jumping up out of the way when the arrow was fired.
"Donkey lookout!." Jason spoke in fear.
Shrek quickly grabbed Donkey and dodged out from the arrow fire. Fiona jumped down in front of the man who shot the arrow, as she still held her frown in place.
"Now, you and your friends are going to get these hands!. Ha!." Fiona started throwing kung fu punches.
She beat the crap out of the man in the face before doing a backflip and landed in front of another man, before kicking him multiple times in the face and in the abdomen. Then she cartwheeled to prevent herself from being hit by a sword, before then backflip kicked the guy. Two guys on each side ran up to her to tackle, but Fiona jumped up and was about to double kick in slow motion. But then she had to pause for a quick second as she noticed that a strain of her hair was in the way. But she quickly blew it out of the way before resume kicked the two.
Finally, Fiona lured the last Merry Man who was playing the accordion as she ran up to a tree and then flipped over behind the man, and socket to him as she punched right through the open accordion. The last two Merry Men jumped out of hiding and quickly became Fiona's victims. Fiona breathed through her mouth while taking the moment to look around the area for any ambush attacks, before calming down and looked at three with a calm smile.
"So, shall we?." said Fiona.
Shrek, Jason, and Donkey had shocked looks all over their faces. The three can not believe that Fiona had single handedly beat every man with ease and with those wild moves. Fiona ignored their looks as she checked the unconscious Robin Hood and found what she was hoping for. She pulled out a rolled map and showed it to the guys.
"Hey, guys, look what I have found. It is a map on how to get out of here!. Can I hold onto it, Jason?." Fiona asked sweetly.
Jason shakes off his shock look. "Uh, yeah, why not?. I mean you did save our skins not too long ago."
Fiona grinned. "Great!."
"Wait, hold the phone." Shrek drops Donkey and catches up to Fiona. "Hey, how were you able to do something like that?."
"Oh, it was nothing, Shrek." Fiona looked at Shrek while opening the map, while still having her smile in place. "Really."
"Are you kidding?. You were amazing!." Shrek spoke with enthusiasm. "Where did you learn to do all of that?."
"Well, I picked up a few things in my book while doing my time in my locked room." Fiona began to explain. "That, and knowing a bit of ancient arts runs in my family. I can not say on which side I get it from."
"But seriously, Fiona, you were cool!." Jason jogged up beside the woman with excitement. "I take back everything that I said about you. Say, can you teach me some sweet skilled moves of yours?."
Fiona liked the idea of showing Jason how to do what she just did and was about to agree to doing so. That was until she happened to look at Shrek's rear end and had a look of shock and fear.
"Shrek there is an arrow in your butt!." Fiona pointed.
Shrek looked at his butt and saw the arrow in his butt. "Wow, I did not even feel it hit me."
"Ah, Dad, we need to get that out of your rear before you start having an infection or worse." Jason examined with worry.
"Relax, son, I'm not dying." Shrek ensures.
"Dying?. Who is dying?." Donkey finally catches up.
"I'm so sorry, Shrek, I should have paid attention to what I am doing. Ah, man." Fiona felt guilt hitting her emotionally. "I did not mean to get you hurt, Shrek."
Donkey eyes grew wide. "Hurt?. Shrek?. Shrek is hurt!. Oh, no, Shrek is going to die!."
"Donkey, I am not going to die." Shrek calmed Donkey down.
"Yeah, after we calmly pull the arrow out of your butt, Dad." Jason had his hand inches away to grab the arrow's handle.
Shrek jumped back and turned to face his son. "Jason, don't touch. I got it."
"Quick. Donkey. Jason. Go deep and go get me blue and yellow flowers with no thorns. Hurry!." Fiona ordered the two.
Jason and Donkey did not hesitate as the two ran in the direction where there might be the desired flowers that Fiona requested them to go and get. Leaving just Fiona and Shrek by themselves. To the princess's liking.
"Why do you need them to go get that?." Shrek asked with confusion.
Fiona smirked. "So we can get this arrow out of your butt with no distractions. That, and I want to be alone with you."
"Alright, good." Shrek's mind started picking up the red flag on the last part that Fiona said. "Wait, what do you mean you want us to be…"
"Now, hold still please." Fiona took a gentle grab of the handle of the arrow.
"Hey, Hey, Hey, do not touch that!." Shrek avoided the arrow from being grabbed.
"Shrek, do not be such a big baby." Fiona made her attempt but got denied to her anger. "Shrek!."
"Come on, Donkey, we need to find that blue and yellow flowers with no thorns." Jason said when searching for the flower in the bushes. Then a thought occurred. "Hey, wait a minute. Blue and yellow flowers do not do anything for an arrow injury. We have been hoodwinked, Donkey."
"Ahhhh!."
Jason and Donkey heard Shrek's painful cry. This made the two worry big time.
"Hold on Shrek, I am coming!." Donkey broke off a blue flower bouquet and took off.
"Oh, I am not taking any chances. Dad, I'm coming!." Jason broke the bouquet roots of the yellow flowers and followed after Donkey.
Meanwhile, back where Shrek and Fiona are, the two were not getting anywhere during this time. One wants to remove the arrow and the other one does not want the arrow to be touched at all. With a few twisting and turning all around in the grass, Shrek found himself on his back with Fiona on top of him. The two stayed like this when the two looked at one another. Both have a funny feeling within themselves in the right way. The two can not explain it but it felt so very right regardless of their differences in species.
"Well, Well, what do we see here?."
Shrek and Fiona looked up to find both Jason and Donkey having that smug look on their faces. The two started blushing.
"Well, Well, Dad, talk about jumping right into getting it on." Jason grinned as he had the yellow bouquet in his hand.
"Hey, on a serious note you guys." Donkey got their attention. "If you guys have wanted to be alone, you guys should have just asked and not try to fool me and Jason on a wild goose chase."
Shrek quickly and rudely pushed Fiona off of him. "Wow, Hey,now, getting myself laid is the last thing on my mind, you two. Look, me and Fiona were just having a debate on how to handle the arrow in my butt situation. And so far we have not made a simple solut…ouch!."
Fiona sought the opportunity to quickly pull the arrow out of Shrek's butt and grinned in victory as she waved the arrow. Shrek can see that she enjoyed playing dirty with no warning or giving him any heads up. Either way, the arrow is out from his butt and he will be sore in the morning.
"It is what it is." Jason commented.
"Hey, I think I saw blood on that arrow." Donkey started to faint and fell right down on the ground.
Jason shrugged. "Well, that is that. I seriously do not know what I am going to do with these flowers."
"Well, the chances of finding the girl you are crushing on is still near, you could have given her the flowers." Fiona crossed her arms. "And I do mean, Goldilocks or Goldi, is what she prefers to be called."
Jason watched his father pick up Donkey and put him onto his shoulder, despite the slow burning pain he was feeling from his rear end.
"Fiona, I doubted. She is probably just miles and miles away from where we are. And plus, I really do not think she truly loves me." explained Jason.
"Oh, yeah?." Fiona crossed her arms.
Fiona and Shrek looked over the low hill that is behind Jason and saw four figures walking up. Three full-sized bears and a blonde white teenage girl, who jumped off from the young bear. She smiled happily as she approached Jason behind him in pure extreme delight. Oh, now, things were starting to get very interesting at this very moment. Except for Jason's irony.
"Then tell me this, son." Shrek eyed the three bears and then back at the blonde girl who is grinning with her fangs showing. "What will convince you otherwise that she truly is in love with you and nothing is going to say otherwise?."
Being silly and having no idea on who is behind him at six feet, Jason began to say. "Well, if Goldi was here at this exact moment, then she would be none hesitant to say out loud for everyone to hear that she is deeply in love with me and wants us to be a betrothed couple. And what are the odds of that even happening?. Huh?."
Goldi saw the sweet golden opportunity right in front of her as she looked at her adopted family, where Momma Bear and Papa Bear motioned her to seal the deal. Baby was grinning at how sweet this scene is going to be let alone see that look on the moor's face.
With no hesitation whatsoever, Goldi got closer enough to turn Jason around to face her to his shock at seeing her right here. As soon after he said what he just said. Next, Goldi grabbed both of Jason's hands into hers with a none fake or none forced smile on her face.
"Jason. I, Goldilocks Bear, am deeply, romanticly, madly, and strongly in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my days with you until Death takes one of us first, and then takes the other one last. I want us to become an official betrothed couple. After all you and I ae both strange former orphans and based on the people that we ae raised under, we ae downright misfits." Goldi feels her heart jumping in pure joy. "So, what do you say, Jason?. Will you say yes to our betrothal, love?."
Jason was in some deep mess. Now, everyone, excluding an unconscious Donkey, is waiting for his answer to this potential proposal. Even Shrek is wondering what his son is going to say, as he hopes it is a big fat no or come up with some wild distraction to hold this whole thing off. And it is not because of the financial issue of creating a wedding ceremony, but it is because of the fear of losing his only child to this girl named Goldi. Fear is creeping up onto the fatherly ogre.
As for Goldi's family, however, they were strongly hoping that Jason would say yes to their favorite girl. Momma Bear was crossing her claws in hopes that she will have a son-in-law. Papa Bear is hoping that one of these days that he will walk his little girl down the aisle and be a proud bear. As for Baby, he hopes it will happen for his sake, since he needed someday to keep Goldi from calling him a darn muppet. Let alone have someone to vouch for him when he says that he has a plan.
Goldi waited patiently for the answer as the scared feeling of being rejected will hurt her and will make her very angry. But not angry enough to get physical with the love of her life. Fiona on the other hand, wanted to play wannabe cupid as she wanted those two to hookup and one day walk up to the preacher, and say to each other 'I Do'. With that motivation in mind, Fiona remembered the book she read a few times during her years in the Dragon's Keep. She is going to use reverse psychology the best way that she can.
"So, you are trying to say in your silence that you do not love her." Fiona spoke and stepped up to the two potential engagers.
Goldi looked on to see where this woman was taking this situation. She looked at Jason. "Is this true, love?."
"What?. No…I." Jason can not find the words to say so quickly. "It is not what you think."
"Then what is wrong, boy?." Papa looked at the boy in curiosity. "What is wrong with wanting my daughter?."
"Nothing is wrong, sir. Really." Jason started to feel the pressure being applied to him. "It is just that…"
"Is what, Jason?." Fiona had her fists on each side of her hips. "Not willing to not want to say yes to a girl that truly loves you?."
"Hey, mate, is that it?." Baby looked at Jason in disbelief. "You don't want her?."
Jason tried his best to get out of this situation but it keeps getting worse. Shrek tried to help his son out of this jam, but Fiona is working hard in getting her results including Goldi. Goldi is starting to lose her grip in holding her hands with Jason. Tears were starting to be made in her blue eyes. Jason is not like seeing her this way.
"Well, Goldi, I'm sorry, but it looks like this boy is clearly showing that he does not…" Fiona got interrupted by Jason's sudden outburst.
"Yes!. Yes!. Yes!. Yes!." yelled Jason, finally broken.
Shrek looked at his son with fear on his face. "Yes, what, Jason?."
Jason looked at Goldi and held her hands tight. "Yes, I will accept our betrothal."
In response, Goldi changed her face from sad to super happy as she immediately hugged her official boyfriend. Then she immediately planted a nice big wet kiss on his lips, which resulted in her right foot popping up in the air. Showing to everyone that she strongly trusts him. And like a sucker, Jason kissed back with much passion. The two separated their lips as a trial of saliva aparted from each other. Shrek sighed sadly with his ears down at the whole situation and looked at the person that pressured his son into saying yes, before taking the map away from Fiona and lead the way out while Papa Bear was talking and getting to know his future in law.
Mamma Bear had Fiona on her back as the two were already talking about what type of wedding that Jason and Goldi should have, with Baby trailing behind with the newly engaged couple on his back. Goldi, who was sitting in the front, smiled big while Jason was sitting in the back. He had that regretful look on his face as this is not how he wanted the situation to end. And now he is engaged to the girl who does not feel in his heart, but started to creep in though.
"Man, what have I done?. Why did I fallen for the stupid reverse phycology?. If Death itself approves of my unfortunate brothel, he would give me some sort of a sign that he likes the wild idea of me and Goldi being together. Which that too is what is the odds of that even happening." Jason spoke underneath his breath and not expecting any response from what he just said.
That is until out of nowhere, he gets a sudden scare and hears someone whistling out of nowhere. He heard the chilling catchy tune of whistling that was real close. Jason looked all around him and to check to see who is the person that is in the woods with them. This is getting extremely scary. Because Jason does not see not a single person in the woods or who is nearby, but still hears the person's whistle.
Jason stopped his focus on the whistling when he felt Goldi lay back onto his chest. She looked up at him lovingly as she started using her left hand to rub his cheek. It surprisingly calmed Jason down as he started to smell Goldi's sweet aroma of roasted honey on her.
"I will be the bestest wife that you will ever have, Jason. You can count on it, love." said Goldi.
Jason can not but smile at his future wife. "You are going to be a handful."
Goldi chuckled. "Indeed I am, mate. But I'm your handful, love. And I am all yours alone. Everything now and moving forward into our lives is juuuusssstttt riiiiggggtttt."
"Say, did you heard whistling not too long ago by any chance?." Jason hopes that he is not the only one hearing it.
Goldi shrugged. "Mmmm, no. No, I have not heard anyone whistling, love. It was probably just your imagination running away with you."
"Oh." Jason sighed and relaxed. "You think so, Goldi?."
"I know so, love." Goldi smiled sweetly. "Your mind just getting overly excited about us making a solid promise that you and I will be wed one day is all. But do not worry, Jason, I will ease your mind and body once we go to the cabin, that me and my family had ran across."
Jason looked down at Goldi with a brow raised. "What do you mean by easing my mind and body?."
Goldi had that sex grin on her face. "You just wait and see, love. Wait and see."
Jason got concern and started wondering in what is going on inside of Goldi's head. Especially when she winked at him and before she started snuggling into his chest. Then she started to go to sleep with a pleased satisfied happy smile on her face.
(A/N): Well, that is that. Hope you guys enjoy this touchy moment and Death's cameo. Hey, listen, I was thinking about putting Smut into this story and I would like to let you decide if you guys want to see sex scenes in this story from time to time. Let me know in the review box, please. See ya in the next chapter. Till then, Excelsior!.