Chandler's Christmas Carol
It was another Christmas shift at the Royal Woods Hi'n'Buy, a new supermarket chain that made its way from Great Lakes City to the small Michigan town. The snow was sprinkling down, looking like another packing day. Mild temperatures plus light snowfall equalled a white Christmas where you would not catch hypothermia from walking outside. Children would frolic and play in the snow, wearing their best cold weather gear, adorned with Christmas decorations. Adults would do last-minute shopping for gifts and food to eat for the Christmas feast, all the while enjoying time off work for the festive season.
For Chandler McCann, however, things were not so merry. He had been chosen, and by chosen, he meant drafted, to work the Christmas Eve shift at his usual station, checkout number three. Chandler hated this job. Not only was checkout three closest to the door, thereby he would feel the winter chill every time a customer left, but it was not even an express lane, meaning he had to sit there and manually scan every item, and some of these shoppers went in hard. One customer took at least fifteen minutes to finish racking up her stuff, and his lane was the busiest. Everyone wanted to get out quickly, and he had to bear the brunt of the complaints of 'what's taking so long?' and 'hurry up! I have places to be!'
It wouldn't be so bad if he had something to come home to after all was said and done but he didn't. Chandler lived alone, in a one-bedroom apartment. No wife or girlfriend. No children. He didn't even have any friends, at work or otherwise. After a miserable day at the supermarket, Chandler retreated to his dingy apartment and slumped on a chair, feeling sorry for himself, and wondering how things got this way. Whenever he felt this way, he would get out his phone and check the various dating apps he had downloaded. As always, his 'attempts' to find a match proved fruitless.
"Their loss. They're missing out on prime stock right here. I'm young, I'm fit. I measure in at six inches. It's the first thing I tell them, and then they block me and call me a creep!" Chandler ranted. He got so desperate, he even contemplated buying a night out, but with his limited pay-check and rent taking most of that, the search proved difficult, and whatever cheap 'company' he did find thought he was so repulsive, they actually gave him a refund. Some of them even found God. Imagine being so bad, escorts would give you your money back, quit the business and find religion.
"You think they wouldn't bother after the Right Path scandal," Chandler observed. While he was not a religious person, Chandler did find Right Path's teachings somewhat palatable. He did not agree with conversion therapy, but he was of the mind that women should be walking incubators, totally subservient to the will of men. One last desperate measure he tried was offering himself up as a sperm donor for lesbian married couples. He would, politely, offer to impregnate one of them, their choice, while the other watched. In his mind, this gave everyone what they wanted. Chandler would get his V-card slashed, and the two women would get a baby. He even made this offer to his old enemy Lincoln's sister Luna and her wife Sam.
"Not in this life, pal!" Luna rebutted, and she and Sam both punched him in each eye, making them both black. He got similar results with other such pairings, so he stopped trying.
"Try to make the process more fun and that is the thanks I get?" Chandler spat out.
"You should be thankful it wasn't worse," came a voice from behind him. Chandler jumped up in a fright. He turned to the source of the voice and found a ghost of Principal Ramirez, but this was impossible. Ramirez was still alive and still principal of Royal Woods Middle School last time Chandler checked, though it had been some time since he was last there.
"Who, w-what are you?" Chandler asked, his tone a mixture of fear and terror.
"Does not matter. You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas night. Report to your dream in a timely fashion, and don't even think of staying up late or I'll throw you in detention," ghost-Ramirez replied.
"I'm 27, you can't put me in detention anymore," Chandler rebuffed.
"Do you think I care? We're working overtime on you, now march!" ghost-Ramirez ordered, then she vanished.
"Like I care what some crummy ghost wants. I have more important things to do. Let's see the personals," Chandler then opened a newspaper to see the personal ads people put in there. It wasn't looking too hopeful. Most of the names were girls he had run-ins with before, with less than desirable outcomes. Others were too old for his liking, and one or two were invitations to polycules. Chandler wouldn't mind these, except they usually involved other guys, and Chandler was not of that persuasion. "When did going polyamorous become so popular?" Chandler inquired. Suddenly, the paper's words shifted so they spelt out a sentence that wasn't on there before, almost as if the paper was talking to him non-verbally.
"Did I stutter? I said march to bed!" the paper firmly stated. Recoiling at the supposedly haunted newspaper, Chandler hurried to bed. He found sleep hard to come by, and not just because the sheets were paper thin, the mattress was lumpy, and the heating was barely working. When he did finally manage to drift off, he saw ghost-Ramirez in his dream, as he was expecting.
"There you are, finally. Any later and Chairman Geoff would've ordered us to abandon this. Personally, I don't see why we're wasting our time on you, but the Chairman's orders are absolute, so let's just get this over with," ghost-Ramirez scoffed.
"OK, and what are we getting on with? My haunting?" Chandler sassed.
"Enough back-talk, mister! I am the Ghost of Christmas Past and you will show me some respect!" ghost-Ramirez scolded. Chandler heard the words 'ghost of Christmas Past' and realised where this was all going.
"Oh, let me guess, you're gonna show me flashbacks of where it all went wrong for me, then the ghosts of Christmas Present and Future come along to preach to me about how my life has been since and where I will end up in the hope that I will mend my ways. I read this story enough times in English class to get the gist, and it was mind-numbingly boring then, too!" Chandler raved.
"That attitude didn't help when you got expelled from my school and led away in handcuffs, wise guy!" ghost-Ramirez clapped back. Chandler then bore witness to his last days at Royal Woods Middle School. He was in sixth grade, and eager to prove himself the top dog. Chandler would assert his dominance by chucking weak kids into lockers, bragging about his manliness with stories about his triumphs that were entirely made up, and hitting on every girl he deemed worthy of his attention. Unfortunately for him, none of his efforts bore fruit. He did not become the most popular boy in school, and no-one took him seriously. Present-day Chandler looked upon these memories with resentment and anger.
"What, you're rubbing it in?" Present Chandler scoffed.
"I am showing you what you were. You craved attention because you were not getting it at home. Your father spent all his time at the sewage plant, and your mother used the family wealth to fund shopping sprees, holidays, and whatever else she could afford, while not giving you a second look. You took your anger and jealousy out on your prime target; the boy who had ten sisters and two loving parents that doted on him every day, Lincoln Loud. You resented and hated him because he had the one thing you were seeking all this time; familial love," ghost-Ramirez explained. Present Chandler tried to deny it but had to wipe away a few tears.
"What made him better than me? He had to live in a house full of girls. He watched the Dream Boat and coached pageantry! He's no man! Just a putz!" Present Chandler raged.
"If he's no man, how come he managed to get a girlfriend, and you didn't?" ghost-Ramirez sassed.
"Ronnie Anne? I knew her in elementary school. She was the meanest, toughest girl there was. Why would she go out with him? At the time, I thought Lincoln made it up," Present Chandler reminisced.
"Lincoln saw through that. He knew that Ronnie Anne was a sweet girl at her core, though she did her best to hide her vulnerability, what with her parents splitting up, her father jetting off to Peru, and eventually, her moving to the city. He spent time getting to know her, and the two of them grew closer as a result. So much so, that Lincoln decided to spend the rest of his middle school years with her. Let us go back to Lincoln's last day. It was an eventful one, wouldn't you say?" ghost-Ramirez suggested.
"It was also my last day!" Present Chandler redirected.
"Indeed it was. Shall we proceed?" ghost-Ramirez then presented the scene of Chandler's biggest mistake. Rumours began to swirl that Lincoln and Ronnie Anne sometimes shared a bed on weekend nights. Lincoln neither confirmed nor denied these rumours, opting to protect his and Ronnie Anne's privacy. When asked how these rumours started, it was because Lincoln and Ronnie Anne had frequently been seen together on weekends, either at Royal Woods or in Great Lakes City. Ronnie Anne would also be seen at the Loud House more frequently than usual. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going on. This led to chatter that Lincoln and Ronnie Anne were serious about each other. This made Lincoln the subject of gossip amongst the female crowd. Some were even taking bets on things such as high school prom dances, Ronnie Anne's quincenera, and even further, such as wedding dates, gender of their first-born, you name it. Lincoln had all the girls' attention, with none to spare for Chandler. This made his jealousy peak. After a hard gym lesson, Chandler and Trent, his sidekick, were in the boy's locker room, alone.
"I don't get it! This is the same guy that had everybody thinking he and Clyde were a secret item! How, just how!" Past Chandler whined.
"By being unashamedly himself, rather than pretending to be something he's not. Honestly, you should try following his example," Trent advised. Past Chandler could not believe what he was hearing. Did Trent seriously imply that he could get everything Lincoln has by imitating him? Chandler would rather take a plunge in the sewage than be anything like Lincoln.
"Nah, he's gotta have an in with the girls. I mean, why else would Stella hang around with a friend group made solely of guys? I bet she does it out of pity," Past Chandler denied.
"Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep on those cold, lonely nights. You coming to lunch?" Trent rebuffed.
"Not hungry," Past Chandler retorted. Feeling like there was nothing more to be said, Trent left Chandler alone with his thoughts. He paced around until he could hear faint girl chatter coming from the other side of the wall. He pressed his ear to his side, and he could hear some of what the girls on the other side were saying. He filtered most of it out as nonsense, but when he heard Stella mention Lincoln, his interest was restored.
"Lincoln? Never crossed my mind, to be honest," Stella answered a question Chandler must not have heard.
"Oh, come on, don't be like that, Stella. You must've thought of snapping him up at least once. He is a prime catch, after all. Sweet, charming, and oh so sensitive," Girl Jordan complimented, making Past Chandler almost barf in disgust.
"Not to mention that white hair. Put a suit on him, and he'd look like a proper gentleman, unlike some people I know," Rachel, Girl Jordan's bestie, added.
"Very good points, but he's with Ronnie Anne, and happily so. That means he's off-limits. Besides, he and the others have crushed on me before and it didn't work out. They ended up fighting amongst themselves and it nearly tore apart the group. We're better off just friends," Stella recalled.
"Can't argue with that," Girl Jordan conceded.
"Still, that doesn't mean there are other boys you might've had your eye on. Is there a 'Mr. Right' you wanna pursue, Stells?" Rachel probed.
"Or a 'Mrs. Right'. We don't judge here," Girl Jordan assured. Chandler wanted to hear more. He felt around the wall, and to his surprise, his finger caught on a small hole. Chandler peeked through it, and to his absolute delight, the hole bore straight through the wall to get a good sightline on the girls, and they were having this conversation whilst getting changed, affording Chandler a good view of them showing skin. He suddenly felt his pants getting very tight, but he didn't care. He was loving this.
"I'm telling you, romance is not on my mind right now," Stella affirmed.
"You can't fool us, Stella," Girl Jordan countered.
"Here's a timeless classic question for you. Liam, Rusty, and Zach; marry, kiss, or throw off a cliff?" Rachel posed.
"It's a good thing you didn't say Chandler's name, or this would be too easy. I'd cliff him in a heartbeat and have a giant smile on my face doing it," Stella answered.
"And I'd help," Girl Jordan replied. Chandler would grunt in protest, but he didn't want to chance the girls hearing him while they were still in their undies. Unfortunately, Past Chandler was so focused on the view in front of him that he neglected to check behind him, because if he had, he would've seen Bolhofner glaring at him angrily.
"All three are good friends. It's hard to choose, so you got me there. I would say maybe cliff Rusty because he brags too much. I would marry Liam because he always gets food on the table, which leaves Zach to kiss, but I'd only do it if he stops eating those tuna kits," Stella resolved.
"Good answers, Stella. Don't worry, I'll work on cutting down Rusty's bragging," Girl Jordan praised.
"Oooooo, you and Rusty? There's something I never thought I'd see," Rachel teased.
"I have my ways of humbling a man," Girl Jordan responded. Past Chandler thought this was going too far. He could have Girl Jordan, if she only saw what a specimen he was. As if she could see anything in a lame, braggart, over-compensator like Rusty.
"OK, Stella, let's say you were into girls. I'm not saying you are. This is just a hypothetical. Which one of us would you date? No hard feelings either way," Girl Jordan proposed. Now Chandler thought this was getting better. The mental image of Stella getting frisky with either Girl Jordan, Rachel, or both at the same time, sent his hormones into overdrive. He started reaching in between his legs and down his trunks, right in full view of Bolhofner, who decided enough was enough.
"CHANDLERRRRRRRRRRRR!" Bolhofner yelled so loud even the girls stopped speaking. Past Chandler turned sharply a full 180 degrees and saw a sight that would terrify any student. Bolhofner was positively fuming at the ears, red-faced and hungry for blood. He grabbed Past Chandler by the collar and brought him face-to-face with the seriously PO'ed teacher. "RAMIREZ'S OFFICE, NOW!" Bolhofner bellowed. Past Chandler was grateful he went before he did this, because he surely would've peed himself there and then. Bolhofner then dragged Past Chandler out of the changing rooms. Stella, Girl Jordan, and Rachel came out of theirs, fully dressed and curious.
"Mr. Bolhofner, what's going on?" Stella asked tentatively.
"You three better come with me as well. You're not in any trouble, it's just something we shouldn't discuss out here. Come on, all of you," Bolhofner then brought Past Chandler, Stella, Girl Jordan, and Rachel to Principal Ramirez's office. Along the way, Stella put together the events in her head. Bolhofner yelling, their state of undress, and the fact that Bolhofner alluded to what seems like a sensitive subject, and it all clicked in her head.
"Oh my God! Really?!" Stella said in abject horror.
"Yes, really," Bolhofner confirmed. Girl Jordan and Rachel also realised what happened and almost threw up. Stella then made a call to her mum.
"This is why girls don't like you, creep!" Girl Jordan derided.
"I'm not being in the same room as him!" Rachel asserted.
"Feel free to wait outside, then," Bolhofner then offered the girls seats by the door while Past Chandler was led into Ramirez's office. All Chandler could do was shuffle awkwardly in his seat while Bolhofner gave Ramirez the run-down on why he'd been brought in this time. Usually, Past Chandler would just take the detention and be done with it, but something told him this time would be different. When Bolhofner was finished, Ramirez shared in his rage.
"You were spying on three girls getting changed… AND GETTING OFF TO IT?! That is the sickest, most perverted, most disgusting thing I've ever heard of a student doing! This isn't just bad school behaviour! This is straight-up criminal! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't expel you right now!" Ramirez screamed at Past Chandler.
"Because my father donates handsomely to your school," Past Chandler replied.
"That won't save you, boy! You do realise that if the police find out about this and either the girls or their parents decide to press charges, there is nothing myself, Bolhofner, or your old man could do to stop them, and whatever came your way, you would deserve!" Ramirez clapped back. As if on cue, Ramirez then heard a knock on her door. Two police officers and a very irate Filipino woman then entered the room. This, Ramirez knew, was Mrs. Zhau, Stella's mother.
"Principal Ramirez, I am Officer Torres, and this is my partner, Officer McGee. We are here because we've had a call about suspected voyeurism from Mrs. Zhau," Officer Torres explained.
"Is this the suspect?" Officer McGee indicated towards Past Chandler.
"Caught him red-handed myself, officers," Bolhofner interjected.
"Oh, is that so?! Well, if a teacher caught you in the act, there's nothing more to do except file charges!" Mrs. Zhau resolved. Now Past Chandler was terrified. His dad could bribe him out of expulsion for bullying and harassment, but even Mr. McCann wouldn't dare try that on a judge.
"I understand, Mrs. Zhau. Rest assured, you will have this school's total support. Will you be requiring statements, officers?" Ramirez responded.
"We will need to speak to the girls, one by one, as well as you, Mr. Bolhofner, if I recall. Because of the seriousness of this offence, we will also need to take this one down to the station, where we can interrogate him with his parents present. If you like, we could do this out of view of the student body," Officer Torres outlined.
"Oh no, this boy has been a constant thorn in mine and the children's side since he got here. Some of his victims would want to see him do a perp walk, if you will," Ramirez declined.
"That bad, was he? Alright then, get up you," Officer McGee then hoisted Past Chandler off his seat and cuffed him. "Chandler McCann, you are under arrest for voyeurism. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided to you by the state," Officer McGee read Past Chandler his rights.
"There is also one other thing. It is school policy to expel any students taken into custody by law enforcement. As of today, Chandler, you are no longer a student at Royal Woods Middle School. We are finished," Ramirez concluded, and Officer McGee took Chandler away while Officer Torres took statements.
"Alright, I've seen enough!" Present Chandler exclaimed, and the scene paused.
"You remember what happened next. The entire school saw you being led away in handcuffs and cheered. Your victims breathed a sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that they wouldn't have to deal with you anymore. The Action News Team did a special announcement broadcast at the end of the day covering both your arrest and Lincoln's departure. The student body and the faculty put this together," ghost-Ramirez then changed the scene to a party with twin functions. It served as Lincoln's 'going away' party, and a 'Chandler's gone away' party.
"WHAT?! They partied while I languished in a police cell?!" Present Chandler realised.
"Yes, even Trent joined in on the festivities. You did not know this, but he, for some reason, possessed feelings for you. He hoped that, by sticking with you, he could change you. He hoped to emulate Lincoln's feat with Ronnie Anne, transforming someone who put up a front into a caring, gentle person. When you were taken away, he realised he was wrong and moved on," ghost-Ramirez revealed. Present Chandler was taken aback by this revelation. Trent never told him about any crushes. Then again, the Chandler of those days didn't pay much attention. He was focused solely on himself. Had he known, things probably could've been different.
"He…never said. Had he told me, I would've let him down gently but found him a boyfriend. I'm not homophobic, like those Right Path people," Present Chandler responded.
"True, despite your bullying ways, you never harped on Clyde for having two dads. The reason Trent never told you how he felt is because you established early on that guys never talk about feelings. Lincoln does this with his friends, his sisters, and Ronnie Anne on a regular basis, and because he does so, he has a healthier relationship with all of them. The reason Lincoln moved to Great Lakes is because he told his sisters he resented them for past misdeeds and he needed to go away to heal, something he would do successfully," ghost-Ramirez outlined.
"Yeah, well, being the touchy-feely type wouldn't have helped me where I ended up after this," Present Chandler rebuffed.
"In court, you were found guilty and sentenced to two and half years in a young offender's institution. You spent the remainder of your middle school years behind bars, where you found out very quickly that trying to be top dog only gets you two things," ghost-Ramirez exposited.
"Beaten and hard," Present Chandler finished.
"Correct. When you finished your sentence, Royal Woods High wouldn't take you, so you had to transfer to Hazeltucky. Rougher crowd, and they didn't like your 'top dog' and 'just out of prison' schticks either. You spent your first high school year enduring the same torment you put your middle school victims through. Having not learnt your lesson the first time, you tried peeking on girls again, only to be caught again and sentenced to another four years. Again, you graduated high school behind bars," ghost-Ramirez replied.
"Yeah, yeah, I got the message after my parents disowned me. I got my hormonal fix looking at websites like everybody else," Present Chandler concluded.
"And with that, I am done with my part. Soon, you will be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present. Until then, have a pleasant sleep," ghost-Ramirez then vanished and Present Chandler woke up in his bed. He found himself remembering the harm his criminal past did to his employment prospects. For the first time, he was thankful to his parole officer for landing him the supermarket gig he still works at.
"Wow, I was a royal pain in the ass," Present Chandler lamented.
"You don't say," came another spectral voice. From the floor rose a ghost version of Trent, only this one was all grown up. "Hello, Chandler, I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. I am here to show you what your life has become since your childhood," ghost-Trent presented.
"I already know. My life's in the toilet, what with a crap job, crappier apartment, and never knowing the touch of a woman!" Present Chandler ranted.
"Yeah, and who's to blame for that? Normally, I wouldn't bother, but Chairman Geoff considers you a special project, so here we are. I will give you some credit. That last point you made about never knowing a woman's touch; it certainly wasn't because of a lack of effort. It's just a shame you chose the wrong way to go about it," ghost-Trent rebutted.
"Don't I know it. I tried hook-up apps, bar-surfing, even dimly lit street corners. Nothing worked," Present Chandler recalled.
"Hopefully, this example you're about to see will show you why," ghost-Trent then changed the scene to a dark, starry night at a seedy part of Hazeltucky, where Flashback Chandler had driven to in order to meet a woman who went by Stardust that he met online and paid for her 'services'. This wasn't ideal, but Flashback Chandler was hungry for some action, and he didn't care how he got it. He got to the pre-arranged meeting point and a blonde woman in a provocative outfit approached him.
"You Chandler McCann?" Stardust asked.
"That's me, hop in," Flashback Chandler then opened the passenger door for Stardust to enter his vehicle. Flashback Chandler then drove to a rather dingy hotel. Not exactly five-star, but the owner never asked questions, or so he heard. When they got to the room Flashback Chandler had reserved for the night, Stardust laid it all out.
"What are you up for, big guy?" Stardust tempted.
"I was hoping for the full trifecta," Flashback Chandler requested. This made Stardust wince.
"You did read my list of services on the ad, right?" Stardust checked.
"What of it?" Flashback Chandler responded.
"Figures. If you had read it, you'd know that butt stuff is out. No 'trifectas' here, buddy!" Stardust insisted. Flashback Chandler was angered by this development. This was hardly the profession where you could be choosy about what you did and didn't do with a client. Surely, he was entitled to whatever he wanted.
"Now see here! I paid good money for you! That means if I want you to bend over and take it up the behind, that's what you'll do!" Flashback Chandler ordered.
"Not bloody likely! And I also remember messaging you about protection! I take it you 'forgot' the rubber as well?!" Stardust guessed.
"What can I say? I'd like it raw," Flashback Chandler argued.
"No protection, no deal! As for your money…" Stardust then threw a wad of cash at Chandler. "….here's a refund. Get fucked, pig! I'm out of here! I quit!" Stardust finished the meeting with no sex whatsoever for Flashback Chandler, but not before slapping him on the way out. Ghost-Trent then made an appearance.
"This happened again…" the scene then showed Flashback Chandler getting slapped by another woman. "…..and again," another slap from a different woman. "….and again," the montage of slaps ended here. "Every time, you thought you were entitled to sex, that you paid for the product and thus had full control. You never stopped to think about the feelings of the women you were paying for," ghost-Trent preached.
"At that point, I stopped trying to pay for it, and instead went on hook-up apps to find a date," Present Chandler recollected.
"Which also ended badly. Let's have a look at one example. You arranged to meet with a girl you chatted to on Tender. You both chose this bar as a public location. So far, so good," ghost-Trent outlined. The scene then changed to a bar on the outskirts of Royal Woods. Flashback Chandler and a woman called Giselle were at a table, enjoying a round or two, and having some stimulating conversation.
"So, tell me about Chandler McCann. What's his whole deal?" Giselle inquired.
"What can I say? I was a stud at high school, but still got good grades," Flashback Chandler lied through his teeth in order to impress Giselle. However, Giselle could tell he wasn't being entirely truthful.
"Uh huh, is that why you're working at a grocery store check-out? Yes, I've seen you before," Giselle shot his story down.
"That? Well, you know how the job market it. I hope to build my way from the ground up. Someday, I'll be running that place," Flashback Chandler improvised.
"Right. Anyway, I work at a bank. Not ideal, but it pays the bills, and it helps improve my…..hey, my eyes are up here!" Giselle noticed Flashback Chandler staring at her chest.
"Oh, sorry, lazy eyes. You said you were working at a bank. Do they make you wear a businesswoman's uniform? With a sexy skirt?" Flashback Chandler tried his best pick-up line, only for Giselle to throw her drink in his face and storm out of the bar. Ghost-Trent slow-clapped sarcastically.
"Nice going, Romeo. Now let's speed-run through your other 'greatest hits', shall we?" ghost-Trent sassed.
"Can we not?" Present Chandler complained, to no avail. The scene then changed to a woman Flashback Chandler took to the batting cages. While she was swinging homers, Flashback Chandler was enjoying the view of her rear, something the woman was all too quick to notice.
"Hey! Quit staring at my ass or I'm gonna shove this baseball bat up yours!" the woman hissed and stormed off. The scene then changed again to the time Flashback Chandler had the bright idea to take a dance student he had been texting to a strip club.
"How's this for hands-on experience?" Flashback Chandler 'offered', which made the student kick him in the nuts and walk in the opposite direction. The scene then changed again to the back row of a movie theatre, where Flashback Chandler was cuddled up to another woman. He thought things were going so well, and there was no-one else within sightline, so he tried his luck at reaching down her front, hoping to cop a feel. The woman nearly broke his wrist getting Flashback Chandler's hand out of her clothes.
"Oh, come on. No-one will see, plus I know you want it," Flashback Chandler reasoned, which made the woman punch him in the stomach and storm out like the others did.
"I have it on good authority that one is dating a girl now. You were that bad you made her swap teams. Way to go," ghost-Trent sarcastically congratulated.
"OK, so my approach needs work. But it's gotta be better than sticking with one girl for the rest of your days. Where's the variety?" Present Chandler clapped back.
"There's an age-old saying that's still true even now. Treat a girl right, and she'll always come back for more. A lesson this lot have learnt," ghost-Trent lectured. The scene then changed to a school reunion party featuring the old Action News Team and others in that high school class, along with their partners. Present Chandler could see rings on fingers, and some of the women sported baby bulges.
"How come I wasn't invited?" Present Chandler queried.
"Because no-one here liked you that much. At all, actually. They thought you'd bring down the mood," ghost-Trent answered.
"Their loss," Present Chandler scoffed.
"Quite the contrary, they're all doing very well without you. Have a look around. They can't see you," ghost-Trent invited Present Chandler to look around the party. He saw Lincoln with Ronnie Anne, happily married. He saw Clyde with a Chinese-American woman he had never seen before.
"Oh, come on, even Clyde got hitched?" Present Chandler said in disbelief.
"And they have a little boy together. His name is Jim, and he's with his grand-fathers. Lincoln and Ronnie Anne have a little girl named Rose. She, too, is in the care of grand-parents. Ronnie Anne took over Lynn's Table when Lincoln's dad retired, and Lincoln manages a video game store, owing to his experience running Clincoln McCloud Commentaries with Clyde, who runs a bakery, and his wife started teaching Physics at Royal Woods High School, but truthfully, the job they are most proud of now is the one titled 'parent'," ghost-Trent replied.
"Hmph, sucks for them. While I'm out chasing tail, they're stuck at home changing diapers and getting up in the middle of the night to feed their little noise-makers," Present Chandler scoffed.
"At least they have families of their own. What do you have?" ghost-Trent questioned.
"Whatever," Present Chandler whined. He looked around more to find Liam and Stella together, with Stella starting to show after five months of pregnancy.
"Ah yes, them. Liam and Stella live on the Hunnicut family farm, which Stella has modernised with her mad tech skills. She developed AI-powered apps that can tell when cows need milking, sheep need shearing. She even developed an app that can herd chickens. That, coupled with other farmyard technologies she invented made her a mint, let me tell you," ghost-Trent outlined.
"If she's so rich, why live on a farm?" Present Chandler inquired.
"Because she, along with Liam, do not need the glamorous lights of Silicon Valley to live a happy life. All they need is each other, their farm, and their little munchkin that is on the way," ghost-Trent answered.
"I always thought that farm of Liam's was old hack," Present Chandler derided.
"Liam and Stella would call it rustic charm," ghost-Trent corrected. Present Chandler then found Zach and a girl he had never seen before. "That's Kara, a new girl that joined Royal Woods Middle after you and Lincoln left. She befriended Lincoln's friend group and became the Action News Team's school foot traffic reporter," ghost-Trent introduced.
"Traffic reporter, huh? The hot kind?" Present Chandler wondered.
"You're hopeless. Anyway, she and Zach bonded over their shared love of David Steele and collectibles. Kara and Zach eventually took over her parents' comic bookstore, and it's been going strong ever since," ghost-Trent said.
"Leave it to dorks to sell dork stuff," Present Chandler mocked.
"Classic over-compensation. Last, but not least, here come Rusty and Jordan Spokes. Like our previous couple, they too took over Rusty's father's suit store. Not only that, Jordan partnered with Lincoln's sister Leni to expand said store to sell suits for women as well as men. These two are especially elated, because Jordan has just found out she's one month gone," ghost-Trent elaborated.
"Another one has surrendered to the trappings of parenthood. Weak," Present Chandler interjected.
"Need I remind you of the act necessary to make life? None of the people you see here needed to act as you had to find fulfilling lives. They treated their partners as equals, not objects. Whilst you couldn't even get one woman to give you the time of day, they managed to find romantic partners for life, and that is all they need. Quality over quantity," ghost-Trent counselled.
"Alright, you've made your point. Being a chauvinist isn't getting me anywhere. No need to rub my enemies' success in my face," Present Chandler conceded.
"Hold a moment. I was saving the best for last," ghost-Trent then pointed out an adult Trent, arms interlocked with another man. Since Present Chandler was told Trent had a crush on him at some point, he could guess who his guy was.
"Is that…" Present Chandler began.
"Yes, this is Trent's husband Simon. After you went away, Trent apologised to Lincoln and his friend group for any hardship he and Chandler put him through. They buried the hatchet shortly before Lincoln moved to Great Lakes City. While not close, they are on, shall we say, Christmas Card terms. Trent became a teacher. Now he steers future generations away from the life you led, whilst helping them achieve their dreams. Simon became a baker. He and Clyde come up with delectable treats in their shared bakery that are resounding successes. The two have even appeared on Operation Dessert Storm. Won it, too. That's how they got the money to start their business," ghost-Trent outlined.
"Wow, he really seems to be doing much better without me," Present Chandler said in a pained tone of voice, hinting at regret.
"They all are, and with that, my part in this is done. Soon, you will be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future. I hope you're ready for what they have to show you," ghost-Trent then vanished and Present Chandler woke up in his bed again. He suddenly felt a great wave of sadness, regret, and wishing for things to be different, that he could go back and make better choices. But he soon realised that time only moved in one direction; forwards. No force on Earth could ever turn back the clock.
"What have I done?" Present Chandler lamented.
"The real question is; what will you do now?" came a voice from Chandler's bed. The last spectral figure rose up from his mattress to reveal a ghost version of the adult Lincoln he saw in the Present Ghost's vision. "Chandler McCann, I am the Ghost of Christmas Future. I am here to show you how it will all end, should you continue down your current path," ghost-Lincoln foretold.
"I can picture it already, but this Christmas special wouldn't be complete without this part, so go on then," Present Chandler urged. The scene then shifted to the McCann family's sewage plant, only now it wasn't Chandler's parents at the helm, but people that looked like government employees, going about their work lives. "Seems pretty normal to me," Present Chandler observed.
"Without an heir to pass the plant onto, the McCanns had no choice but to sell the sewage plant to the government when they retired. This building is federal property now. They had high hopes that if you took over, that you would learn something about vital public services, that helping make your community better would make you better. But that didn't happen. You bullied. You cheated. You had no respect for anyone other than yourself. Your parents went to their graves hating what you became," ghost-Lincoln explained.
"They never said I was such a disappointment. Maybe if we talked more….." Present Chandler opined.
"Do you want to know why they disowned you and cut you off? They didn't do it because they didn't love you anymore. They did it so it would teach you a lesson about humility, self-reliance, and valuing your fellow man. Obviously, the lessons didn't take," ghost-Lincoln responded.
"Is that why they never visited me when I was in the slammer? Both times?" Present Chandler realised.
"They blamed themselves for how you became. The first time you went inside, they promised themselves they would be better parents to you, to instill upon you the virtues that would make you a better person. It is you who failed to listen," ghost-Lincoln preached.
"And the second time?" Present Chandler asked.
"That sent them into a deep depression from which they almost never recovered. They felt like failures, and seeing you would remind them of their failure," ghost-Lincoln replied.
"I was a failure. Those were my choices. My mistakes. None of it was their fault," Present Chandler realised.
"You say that now, but you never learned. You were so lonely, your heart gave out in your sleep," ghost-Lincoln then shifted the scene to a gravesite. An older version of Lucy Spokes, maiden name Lucy Loud, was by herself, at what looked like Chandler's grave.
"Here lies Chandler McCann. He died a lonely virgin, and his last words were 'Oh God, I've wasted my life'. I would say you'd be missed, but I'm not feeling that generous. Plus, look around, no-one's here. Guess that's what you get for picking on my brother all those years. Rot in hell, you waste of life!" Lucy gave her very spiteful eulogy.
"I had no idea the Louds were that bitter," Present Chandler said.
"Yes, they really hated your guts for victimising their only brother. The only reason they didn't chase you out of town, beat you senseless, or commit any number of unspeakable acts towards you is because Lincoln told them not to. In case you haven't noticed, he's too nice for his own good," ghost-Lincoln exposited.
"He never did fight back. Not directly, anyway," Present Chandler recalled.
"Because of that, you considered him an easy target," ghost-Lincoln stated.
"Yeah, I did. I was a real jerk," Present Chandler had his revelation.
"And it wasn't just your old class that thought this way. Your co-workers didn't like you that much, either. In fact, they hated you. So much so that this is what happened after you died," ghost-Lincoln then changed the scene to a party at the Hi'n'Buy where Chandler used to work.
"Who celebrates someone's death?!" Present Chandler scoffed.
"Did you really think that you staring at your female co-workers' chests and rears went un-noticed? Did you really think your manager couldn't hear your grumbling under your breath? Did you ever stop and think about why they never invited you to their annual Christmas Party?" ghost-Lincoln interrogated.
"They have an annual Christmas Party? They never said anything," Present Chandler recollected.
"That's because they didn't want you dragging the mood down. They didn't care that you were a parolee, but all the negative energy you gave off rubbed onto them. They could barely stand it when you were working usual hours. What makes you think they'd want you there if they only tolerated your presence because they had to?" ghost-Lincoln lectured.
"If the manager and everyone else didn't like me, why wasn't I fired?" Present Chandler queried.
"Because the manager didn't want to see you back in prison. That was a condition of your parole, yes? One mistake and it's back to the slammer. He didn't want to lose you to a system from which there was no escape. He was concerned that if you went back in, you'd come out ten times worse, so he, along with everyone else, put up with it," ghost-Lincoln answered.
"I…see. Tell me how I can change this future. Please!" Present Chandler begged.
"You already know the answer. You must change your ways and embrace the Christmas spirit. But that alone will not change the outcome. You have to want to change for the better. Otherwise, your path is set," ghost-Lincoln advised.
"I'll do it. From here on out, you'll see a new Chandler McCann," Present Chandler resolved. Chandler then woke up in his bed. From his bedside clock, he could see that morning had come to Royal Woods on Christmas Eve. After getting dressed, eating breakfast and brushing his teeth, Chandler set off for work, not as a grumpy miser, but full of Christmas spirit. He greeted shoppers and colleagues with a smile and took his station. Along the way, he noticed several light bulbs that were not glowing, and changed them, even though that was not part of his regular duties, something his manager was keen to notice.
"Nice work, Chandler. Where did you learn to change Christmas bulbs?" the manager praised.
"When you've been made to organise your parents' work parties year in and year out, you pick up a few things," Chandler replied. He also noticed a stack load of toys that needed organising. He stopped by to put them in a neat, decorative pile before reporting to checkout three. This would've been something assigned to his colleague Claire, but she noticed that Chandler already did it, saving her a ton of work. Normally, she kept her distance, but this time, she approached him.
"Thanks for organising those toys, Chandler. You saved me a bunch of time I can now use to check the electronics section to see that everything works," Claire said gratefully.
"For the kids. Can't let down those last-minute shoppers," Chandler responded. Claire had heard about the resident creep at this store, but this Chandler was nothing like they described. For one thing, this Chandler made eye contact, rather than let his eyes wander to 'other' places. He also had a joyful expression on his face, instead of the Scrooge-like demeanour she usually saw him wear. She found it good to see, and for someone who is usually alone on Christmas, Claire saw Chandler as someone she'd like to get to know.
"You know, my parents are usually away on Christmas. It gets pretty lonely at my place. Maybe after work, we could….." Claire nervously asked.
"I've….been thinking about reconnecting with my folks this year. We've been estranged for a decade, but maybe that should end. But I'd be more than happy to have you along, if you want to, that is," Chandler invited.
"That sounds great. Of course I would like to come," Claire accepted.
"Good. No-one should be alone on Christmas," Chandler remarked.
"Hear hear. It's a date, then," Claire declared before going back to her assigned tasks.
"Yes, I guess it is," Chandler said to himself. The day proceeded as normal, and during their lunch break, Chandler sent an email to his parents. It said the following:
Hey Mum and Dad
I know I haven't been the best son. Far from it, I've been nothing but trouble from day one. I wanted to say I'm sorry, for all the times you've had to come to the Principal's office because of what I'd done that day. I'm sorry you had to endure the agony of having a child inside. I am sorry that you had to cut me off from your life. I am reaching out because I wanted you to know that I am changing. It won't happen overnight, but day by day, I can be the son you always wanted. I've gotten pretty good at supporting myself since our estrangement. If you like, we could come together for Christmas dinner. I could even bring a date home with me. Her name is Claire, and she has no-one else this season. I'll even help make Christmas dinner for the four of us. What do you say? Do you want to reconnect?
With regards
Chandler
When the work shift ended, Chandler was ecstatic to receive a reply that said:
Dear Chandler
Your mother and I have been waiting for this message for nearly a decade. We don't know what prompted this, but we're glad you're turning your life around. This 'Claire' person sounds like she's had a good influence on you, and we were sorry to hear she has no-one to spend Christmas. Of course you can bring her and yourself along. Something tells us we have a lot to discuss. We may have had difficulties expressing it, but we always loved you, son. It is time you came home.
With love
Your parents
Chandler nearly cried when he read this. After all these years, his parents finally said they loved him, albeit in written form. Still, he couldn't wait to hear it in person. Arm in arm, Chandler took Claire to the McCann house, where his parents greeted him with wide smiles from ear to ear. They hugged, cried, and shared happy moments before heading inside to prepare the Christmas feast. On a nearby rooftop, a cloaked figure was watching them. It was Chairman Geoff, and he was pleased with the results of this enterprise.
"How about that. Your plan worked, Molly," Chairman Geoff remarked. A woman then appeared out of thin air, as if she were like a ghost. This was Molly McGee. It was she that arranged to have Chandler visited by the three ghosts, hoping for this very outcome.
"A Christmas Carol, timeless classic, never fails, even if you have to bring in a fourth ghost," Molly commented. Another woman then appeared beside Molly. It was her loving wife, Andrea McGee.
"Still, it only has a 95% success rate. Didn't work for my dad much," Andrea observed.
"I like those odds, anyway. Besides, that time wasn't genuine and didn't involve the real ghosts. It was just something we spruced up at the last minute to get the festival funded. It doesn't count," Molly argued.
"You used the 'Christmas Carol' template. It counts," Andrea countered.
"Still, everyone was enhappified in the end," Molly recalled.
"Yes. Yes, they were. Now how about we get home and do some 'enhappifying' of our own?" Andrea flirtatiously suggested. Liking what she was putting down, Molly was all for it.
"Your wish is my command, Snow Queen," Molly replied in kind. The two made out and Andrea nibbled on Molly's neck seductively. Seeing that they were about to get 'in the mood', Chairman Geoff portalled them back to their bedroom so they could get on with things, while the three Christmas Carol ghosts joined him.
"Merry Christmas, everybody!" Chairman Geoff wished.
"And to all a good night!" all of Royal Woods yelled at once. At Molly and Andrea's room, the two were naked on bed, making sweet love, when a note dropped in between them saying 'Read This' on the envelope. Molly opened and read the note aloud.
"This image is for you, Gracie-boy. Happy Christmas. Albertson," Molly recited.
"I get he needs some Christmas cheer right now, but did we really need to go this far?" Andrea inquired.
"Quit talking and 'enhappify' me some more," Molly insisted.
"Yes, ma'am," Andrea happily complied, and the love-making resumed before the scene faded to black.
Author's note: OK, I wasn't going to release this until Christmas time, or somewhere close to it, but considering what's just happened in America, I figured they could use some Christmas cheer right now. I want to make one thing perfectly clear to EVERYONE. My stories, my corner of FFN, this world I've created and shared with all of you is a welcome place for EVERYBODY, regardless of gender, religion, orientation, or nationality. If any of my followers actually voted for 'that guy', please block me now, because I will not abide by the vitriol and bigotry he and his ilk champion! For everyone else, keep your friends close. Look out for one another, and you will endure. From what I know of the American people, they are a resilient bunch. They have beaten fascism before and will do so again. As Dumbledore himself said; 'Happiness can be found even in the darkest times, when one only remembers to turn on the light'. The usual disclaimers, I own nothing. All properties belong to their respective owners. Enjoy.