CHAPTER 1
Where am I?
Penelope is feeling lonely in her new house, missing her husband deeply.
—-
Penelope had already sent the queen and her mother-in-law letters of being Lady Whistdledown. She was preparing for better or for worse depending on the judgement of both the queen and the society. They were not the only ones she was worried about though, actually she was quite less nervous about them.
She was more anxious about her relationship with her husband. About how her mother-in-law might have reacted on learning her alter identity.
The letter was delivered the day before, surely Violet Bridgerton must have already read it and since Colin was there to explain everything to his mother, hopefully she will understand and try to see things from Pen's point of view. Penelope had tried to save the Bridgerton family more than once putting her own at peril, hopefully Violet will realise that even if Colin did not?
Penelope was stressed about what Violet's reaction might be and how Colin might also react in case her mother did not accept her being LW.
Penelope was ready for any decision or punishment Violet may take against her, after all it had to do with the Bridgerton name she was now joined to. 'But was she really a Bridgerton?', Penelope wondered, more than once.
The feeling did not sink in. She did not feel part of the family even if she was familiar with all the Bridgerton siblings. She did not feel she belonged among them even though she was a daughter-in-law and she did not feel as though she was worth it.
She was the Bridgerton daughter-in-law through his husband but if Colin had not accepted her as his wife yet then how could she be one of them…
The way Colin treated her when she was at their house the day following their wedding felt as if she was not welcomed there. "Penelope, what are you doing here" he said, until he saw her mother and changed his tone.
Pen wonders what Colin might have said if Portia was not there.
Could she not go to meet her in-laws? Or even her husband, to talk to him and try to solve the matter to try to look for a solution? To talk to him and apologise again for what she did or just perhaps together discuss means to work on their relationship because as it seemed, he did not leave the opportunity for her to do so.
Leaving the house so early in the morning the day after they just got married with so many questions unanswered and so many doubts in their head was not appropriate.
Colin was so distant. Pen was breaking her fast alone every morning, whether Colin was in the house or not. He would remain far away from her. Undoubtedly, she could not visit her childhood home every time for tea, this would arouse her mother's suspicions that things were not yet improved with her husband.
Penelope sat on the settee in their private chamber, looking out the window and thinking about the future and what it might hold. Surely Colin will need to take his time and she was ready to wait for it. She was ready to wait until his anger had calmed down and he would be willing to accept her as his wife, even if they would not be close as before, even if he might not love her the same way as before.
She gazed at the bright sunny weather outside and wondered…wondered about the time it may take for him to finally forgive her, or even talk to her. 'A month perhaps? A year? More than one year?', she sighed heavily.
Sometimes she wondered how their relationship would have been if she was not LW, even if LW was her own self. Perhaps he would never have had feelings for her. Colin would be in an entrapped marriage with Marina as Pen would not have succeeded in revealing the truth in the Whistledown column to save him.
Regardless, the series of events had occurred.
Surely, with time all will get better. Hopefully.
She went to the modiste that day to have a stroll and to talk with her friend Genevieve as it seems Colin still decided to stay at the Bridgerton house. Surely he had to initially stay there to comfort his mother when she obtained her letter but nonetheless, he remained there. Penelope had no news as to how her information had been received yet.
If Colin cared enough to come back to inform her, she would be aware and…she would feel less lonely if he decided to stay.
She missed him.
After having talked about her writer issues and jesting about other stuff with Madame Delacroix, Penelope was back home late in the afternoon. The moment she stepped inside the house, she sighed, for she was aware that it entailed absolute solitude again.
Colin would not be present until the night, or even at all. He did not care to keep her informed of his presence and she would have dinner unaccompanied one more time before retreating to bed.
She felt so lonely.
In her former home back at least she could preoccupy herself with her writing.
Writing about the ton and what was going on was amusing and it was fun even if it was viewed as a negative occupation. This allowed her to write and instil in her writings her passion for the job.
However it would not be possible currently. Pen could not write again now as the Queen was already aware and until she would be given the permission to do the same, for gossip or what not, she could not publish another column.
Penelope settled into her private chambers after her promenade. She was feeling more tired than usual, and a bit restless too. She was not sure what it could possibly be that made her feel as such. Her feelings of loneliness grew even more as she saw her private chambers empty.
No sight of Colin.
She felt an ache in her heart as though this might be the sight she would have the rest of her life. The feelings grew even stronger. Pen wondered why she was feeling all the emotions so deeply.
Perhaps it was the fact that she had not felt that loneliness for some time in consequence of not writing, or that she was feeling a bit lost in this new home.
It would inevitably require time for her to adapt. If only she had her husband by her side.
She let out a long sigh and peered at the vacant spaces that Colin should have occupied; either laying on the bed sleeping or sitting on the bed chamber settee removing his shoes back from a long tiring day or standing behind her, hugging her as she gazed in the mirror, telling her how beautiful she looked, just like during their first time of intimacy.
It felt like all those restless feelings were coming from her missing her husband too much. She thought a bath would be good to make her relax and feel light, free from her torments. She summoned Rae and took a long and well deserved bath.
She was glad there was at least some comfort in finding someone familiar in this unfamiliar abode even if Penelope was not someone who required the presence of others to feel comfortable.
In the Featherington house, among those of her own; her sisters and her mother she experienced constant strangerhood.
Thankfully she was feeling fresh and less glum. A feeling of hunger came over her and hence went to have her dinner. Alone. Again.
Penelope lay on her bed for the remainder of the night, lost in her own thoughts, sometimes looking at her wedding band and pondering on the meaning of her marriage, sometimes waiting for Colin to come back so she could have a glimpse of his face before going to sleep.
She ached for him.
Her husband had not touched her at all ever since they got married and she was wondering if it was because he was vexed or he didn't desire her. He did not even converse with her, or show her some love unlike before they were married.
Usually, Colin would return late at night. sometimes drunk then settling on the settee, that is, assuming he showed up at all. Other nights she would be by herself in their private chambers.
He let her go the day she informed him she would go in a different carriage. He did not even stop her. He made no attempt to.
He allowed her to leave in the carriage by herself even though they were married unlike when they were just friends and he felt compelled to enter her carriage.
Her heart was breaking thinking of how she missed her husband. Penelope was not married for even a month and it was as if her husband had abandoned her to spend more than two years travelling.
The words of her mother resonated in her mind; 'men are not important', 'a life unmarried is not bad'.
Could she have been right?
Penelope was willing to get married to Lord Debling to have a life of her own, to pursue her writing and no longer feel resentful in her own home with her sisters and mother. However here she was, not even able to write in addition to the absence of the man she loved that made it more difficult to concentrate on anything else due to her emotional turmoil.
Unquestionably she would not miss Lord Debling as Colin. She loved Colin. With all her heart.
The other day she started reading a book about a couple who met during a war but was incapable of completing it or even finishing the first chapter. Every now and then the issue of Lady Whistledown or her marriage would come to her thoughts or sometimes the issue about her mother being threatened by the esquire of the Queen for money laundering.
A drop of tear suddenly fell on her wedding band as she was looking at it and thinking of her failed marriage and tremendously missing Colin. It wasn't until then that she realised she was crying.
The tears had fallen from the agony she endured in her heart.
Her heart was aching.
Her heart was aching and there was no one to comfort her against it. No one to hug her and reassure her that matters would be alright or to persuade her to stop worrying.
Penelope sighed as she tossed and turned in bed. She thought it was better to put out the candles and sleep once and for all. Perhaps then, these negative thoughts would stop haunting her mind. Perhaps it will be a better day tomorrow.
She finally slept.
After getting dressed the following day, soon after spending the first few minutes in the morning in bed feeling nauseous, Pen went to have her breakfast, and of course alone.
Colin had not turned up in the night. 'He was still at the Bridgerton house?', 'or did he go back early?' Penelope kept pondering.
She didn't want to ask any of the servants. Either of the answers was still painful. She had no wish to know.
Agreed it was important to stay with his mother but was his wife not important too? Couldn't he have come to her for a little while? To check on her and see if she was still alive!
Penelope cut a piece of food in her plate too loudly as she thought of it, startling one of the servants, who in turn gave her a serious look.
This was her life now, having to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner alone.
Well, she is not the only lady who would, she convinced herself. Many others in society stayed alone in their house while their husbands went to brothels or to hunt. 'Colin couldn't have gone to a brothel, right?' The thought of it made her breathless. She would rather not give it any thought.
After breakfast, she asked Rae to accompany her to the market. She wanted to buy some decorations for their home. Even if it didn't feel like home, maybe some colours would lift her spirits slightly. Rae nodded.
Seeing Rae's gesture reminded Pen of how she was looking at her distinctively in the morning, while cleaning her bed sheets and was about to ask a question when the housekeeper came. 'What could she possibly want to ask? Probably about the bed linens or stuff', Penelope thought.
When she came back home in the afternoon, Penelope was feeling dizzy again. She wondered if it was the sunny weather that had made her in this state. She had however experienced plenty of sunny days in the past, but this was never her estate.
She went for a rest on the settee in her private chambers for a nap when Rae came "May I have a glass of water Rae?", "Yes Ma'am!"
After she drank the water she dozed on the settee.
When Pen opened her eyes it was already night. Rae came to check on her shortly after to see if she was awake and would need something.
"Rae, did Colin come?"
"No Ma'am", "Should I get you something to eat? Would you like to change or take a bath?"
Pen was feeling downhearted that Colin was not there slightly wary of what she wanted to do just yet, lost in reflections. "No Rae, I shall let you know", she replied with a weak smile.
Rae nodded and left.
Colin was not here today either. Was he well? Penelope was worried now that perhaps something might have happened to him. She decided to send a short letter to Eloise to inquire about her brother's health.
She took the time to get up due to her constant dizziness and got to the desk and carefully wrote to Eloise.
The letter was sent. 'Hopefully the response will be positive', she worriedly thought.
Just as she was getting up to go into her bed chamber, Penelope unexpectedly experienced severe nausea and felt as though she would soon become sick. She quickly sat back.
She shouted for Rae.
Rae arrived as soon as she could.