Chapter 12
No more grudges
Penelope finds out the truth and realises that Colin was not at fault, and decides to take a wiser step to save their relationship.
NOTES:
I know how many of you are waiting for that reunion and trust me, it is by the door ;)
Enjoy the new chapter :)
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As soon as Colin left, Penelope burst into tears. The reality of what just happened dawned on her as she moreover kept thinking of the past trauma she had already lived through, as if that was not enough.
She found it hard to believe what had transpired.
Following all the past events with Colin. She truly believed that he loved her. Her heart was crushed, and she felt shattered.
As Penelope keeps sobbing with her back against the door frame, she gradually collapses on the floor, crying her heart out uncontrollably. Her maid stumbles upon her on the floor crying by the door upon not finding her in her bed chambers when she goes to check on her mistress.
Upon seeing her state, she is shocked and right away asks Penelope about the matter. However Pen was unable to respond and when she did, she was whimpering through her quavering voice and it was incomprehensible to the maid.
When she finally gathered herself, she gave an account of what had occurred.
Penelope conveyed the details of how Colin acted in a way that made her feel as though he would never trust her; she was let down by his betrayal of her confidence. She told her that even after all this time, he had not grown to trust her, and that she had realised everything was over. In a tremulous voice as she kept on bawling, Penelope told her narrative, shortly after the maid had placed her down on a sofa after realising that it was unsafe for her to remain on the ground given her state.
The maid presumed it to be a misunderstanding because she had witnessed how Colin was by her side all the time and the maid had only informed Penelope of Colin's presence in her drawing room in the morning, she was completely unaware of his presence the eve and was the one who went to buy the herbs the previous day. Penelope did not give it much thought and had assumed it was her maid, William or Mary that had bought it.
The maid then dispelled her misconception that her husband had been by her side throughout the whole night and was present the day before as well.
"He did not leave your side for a minute, even if he might have contracted the fever with you but he still stuck by you all night Ma'am. I attempted to persuade him to go home so he wouldn't discover you were with child or to rest but he did not agree. I believe he did not even sleep well as he kept an eye on you all night since each time I would check on you I would find him awake."
"He even went to buy the herbs that helped you to heal during the night and he was waiting for you outside while I changed you but unfortunately you were already asleep by the time I had finished and he seemed really dejected he had missed the opportunity to speak with you."
"What?!" Penelope stared at her with eyes wide open, flabbergasted. "What are you saying?"
Penelope was still trying to digest the information, very much stunned, 'so it means Colin had been there the whole time and did not just specifically come by this morning to spy on her', she thought. Her musing wavered as the maid went on.
"Mr Bridgerton even cried upon seeing your condition this morning. Some moments before you had woken up, I noticed a solemn tear falling down his cheek while in the drawing room, waiting for you to wake up."
Penelope then attempted to reenact the incident in her mind's eye in an attempt to comprehend why Colin was in her study going through her papers, mostly the gossipy ones she had brought back from Mayfair.
"But then…" unable to put that in words as she mutters. "...then why." She kept searching inside her head but she was still feeling a little off, making it difficult for her to think straight.. "If he…if he was in the drawing room…then why…why the study…" As she kept on persisting, Penelope started feeling lightheaded and pressed her palm on her temple.
Noticing that, the maid promptly took her to her bedchamber to rest, clearly stipulating her to not get out of bed until absolutely necessary.
As Penelope kept on pondering to make sense of the happenings with Colin and unwillingly fell asleep without having solved her confusion.
Early in the afternoon Mary came to visit Penelope, to inquire about her health and discuss the task that she had taken responsibility for. Upon learning that Penelope was asleep she decided to wait for a while until she was awake or otherwise come back at a later time if she did not.
Mary picked up a newspaper to read while waiting.
Nearly thirty minutes later, Penelope woke up. Upon rousing, the issues of the morning immediately came back to her mind as her sleep faded away. That made her anxious and she was unable to stay idle.
In order to comprehend the precise scenario, she needed to either ask the maid once more what had actually transpired or attempt to ponder on the previous circumstance to gain more sense. Something was amiss and did not add up.
Before heading downstairs to the maid's, Penelope stumbled on Mary in her drawing room, unaware of her presence. "Mary!" She smiled at her good friend, a wave of warmth and relief washing over her. Mary looked up at her from the practically final pages of the newspaper she was going to conclude.
"What a pleasure to see you here!" Penelope exclaimed.
Mary returned a smile. "Oh, Penelope! You are finally awake, I was about to finish this paper and leave."
Penelope came to sit beside her. Mary always lifted her spirits. "How are you feeling now dear?" Mary offered her a tender smile.
"I am feeling much better, Mary." Pen chuckled "I slept like a baby since yesterday and I believe this is what helped me to recover. I was already a bit better this morning but I feel great right now."
They both grin. "That is so good to hear, Penelope. I am so glad that your health has improved."
"How about you? How's everything going on? It's been so long since I have seen John, how is he doing?" Penelope tilts her head, keenly ready to listen to her friend.
"Oh, he's doing alright, we went to the market this morning and he's thrilled with what we bought. In fact I visited you additionally to apologise for what had happened, it was because of John that I was unable to go. There's this project he is working on at school and he needed some supplies. "
Penelope gave her a bewildered look.
"Unable to go where?" her tone clearly conveys her perplexity.
Mary stared at her, puzzled in turn. "Oh…did Colin not tell you?"
Penelope's smile faded and her expression grew serious. "Colin?" She blinked in confusion. "Tell me what?"
"Oh. I assumed you were aware, Penelope." Mary gave her a careful look, convinced of Penelope's unawareness of her encounter with Colin in the morning.
Mary carefully explained everything to Penelope; of her urgent rush to the market hence the inability to post her papers where she therefore requested Colin to do the same upon stumbling on him in the drawing room by giving him the detailed instructions to do so.
As Penelope is intently listening to Mary, her face turned from seriousness to shock, straightening with her eyes widening in disbelief as her jaw dropped, as though a sudden jolt of electricity had coursed through her veins. "What are you saying Mary? You mean Colin was in the study simply because he was trying to help..."
Her tone dropped as she was uttering each word gradually in astonishment, her eyes simultaneously darting about the room while trying to process the information she just obtained.
"Mary!" Penelope abruptly got to her feet, at the realisation of what had actually occurred.
With all that had transpired with her sickness and Colin, she had forgotten about the task she had requested Mary to accomplish.
Now with the information she acquired, she could not help but feel guilty about her reaction to Colin. Standing up, she felt a pang in her heart as if someone had just stabbed her heart, so deep was the agony she was feeling over how she had treated Colin when it should have been the contrary. The image of him leaving right away made sense how hurt he must have been.
She placed her hands over her stomach. Guilt stole the air from her lungs, leaving her breathless.
"Mary…I need to go." Penelope tells her with a gasp. Undeniably, she had to go and apologise to Colin. "What's wrong Penelope?" Mary looked at her anxiously as Penelope leaped from her seat. "Are you alright?"
"Wait. So you weren't able to deliver the articles?" Her voice is shaking as she's still processing the facts she had just learned.
"No. I could not, this is why I asked Colin. Did he not deliver them?"
"I apologise Mary, I must go. I have made an awful mistake and I need to rectify it immediately." Mary sprang to her feet swiftly, unable to comprehend the situation. Penelope places her hand on her friend's to express her gratitude for clearing the immense misunderstanding between her and Colin.
"What is it Penelope, are you well? Do you need my help?" Mary is anxious for her friend.
"No, I have to do this myself. Thank you a lot Mary. I will meet you afterwards and explain, for now I have to hurry." Mary nodded in comprehension even if she does not totally understand the scenario, she assumes it concerned a personal matter and unquestionably urgent.
As much as Pen desired to tell her, it was quite a private subject and she couldn't inform her why she had unleashed herself on Colin without also explaining the reason. Also, him searching through her papers would redirect to the facts that she was an anonymous gossip writer in her previous life for which she doubted him of spying.
Perhaps she could give her a different explanation, but now her focus was on Colin. It was crucial to speak with him and offer her sincere apologies as quickly as possible.
'Hopefully he would still be there and had not been on the way back to Mayfair and would moreover be willing to listen to her' she thought.
Penelope posthaste summoned her maid and got ready to meet Colin after grabbing a quick bite. There was no time to waste and she was so glad she was feeling much better, in the hope that she won't feel sick on the way. Anyhow, it was vital to go to Colin and apologise to him. Grabbing the piece of parchment Colin had handed her on their first encounter in Scotland hoping that his address will remain the same, she bid Mary goodbye and rushed to her carriage.
At her destination, Penelope approached the front desk to inquire about him, reluctantly mentioning being his wife since the hotel was not willing to provide her access. They gave her his room number after she practically begged them for it. The maid accompanies her to his door and Penelope gives her a worried glance before knocking on the door as her maid offers her an encouraging nod.
Colin opened the door in response to her knock appearing rather surprised. "Penelope. What are you doing here?" He sounded shocked rather than angry.
Earlier that day, Colin arrived at his hotel broken-hearted, back from Pen's place. The hurt in his heart escalated from a dull throb to burning, glaring pain. The distasteful words that Penelope had just thrown on him still seemed unimaginable while all he wanted to do was help. Entering his bedchamber, he instantaneously retreated to his bed. All the pain to come this far for things to end as such.
Colin felt utterly bewildered.
Still in the same position as when he arrived, on his back while staring at the ceiling, Colin stayed in bed until the afternoon as he pondered over what had happened and why Pen had reacted so harshly with him. 'Perhaps she had been sick and did not realise what she was thinking or perhaps there was another reason behind it nonetheless it had been unbearable for him to stand there and listen to all the harsh things she was saying' Colin thought.
It hurt so much to witness those words coming from her. As he recalled what she had mentioned he realised how he had previously hurt her, how she had endured hardship before being forced to flee and settle in Scotland. She must have hurt a lot.
In the attempt to reflect on their Whistledown issues he had abandoned her and realises how the whole situation had made her feel so lonely leading her to believe that he did not love her and did not want her when this was in fact very far from the truth. Like a coward, he had remained at his mother's house for too long that his wife felt so forsaken and compelled that she had to flee, not forgetting the sight of her wedding dress that he saw, which further indicated that their marriage felt like a betrayal to her.
'Oh and the Marina story, damn!' Colin hoped Pen was not feeling jealous about her because he was foolish at that time. It was not only the exposure of Marina that he cared about, although it was very cruel of course but he wished his wife had not been the source of that cruelty. However he realised how driven she was to set him free from that deception. How was he so blind to not see how Pen already loved him so much at that time?
Till the afternoon, Colin laid in bed reflecting on the current and past situation, unable to do anything else, unable to write. Recalling that morning's events, he inhaled deeply and wondered whether the situation could ever be rectified. 'Perhaps he had been so harsh towards her about being LW in the past which probably aroused her doubts of him spying on her.'
Regretfully he had been unable to drop her articles. He was worried this could be troublesome for her job.
Even during his time of anger he was thinking about his wife's priorities.
Colin Bridgerton was a changed man and it was not temporary this time.
He mused the possibility of making things right. 'Perhaps he would have to allow Penelope time to process things through before informing her the exact reason he was searching through her papers but right now was not the proper time.'
With all that had happened, she probably would not even be willing to see his face.
Wondering about her health condition, he was genuinely looking forward to visiting her the next morning when he would be less vexed and when she would hopefully be calm. Despite his crossness he still cares for her, nevertheless he was still feeling a great deal of grief and resentment against her.
After spending so much time in bed, he started feeling hungry hence went down to grab a bite. Returning to his bedchamber, he felt like going to the beach to unwind a bit and have a walk, taking in the sea air. Colin freshened up and was putting on his shoes when he heard a knock on his door. He wondered who that could be since he had not asked for anything from room service and it was not cleaning time.
As he opens the door he is shocked to see Penelope, his wife, standing in front of him. He was expecting her the least, much less seeing her by his door and at this hour of the day on top of that.
Colin lets her in while her maid chooses to remain outside.
"Colin…" Pen's voice was rather low, blending shame and hesitancy, not knowing where to start. Feeling ashamed and guilty for her past awful behaviour, she wondered how to begin apologising.
"Pen. I was not hoping to see you here." His tone, which had been more subdued a few seconds earlier, had returned to that of an angry person as he recalled their prior encounter.
"I…Colin…" Her eyes were lowered as she was fidgeting with her fingers, too contrite to look him in the eyes. Colin observed her, as his lips tightened with his eyes brimming with fury wondering what accusations she was about to make now.
"Colin. I am sorry. I deeply and sincerely apologise for what happened in the morning." Finally raising her eyes to gaze at Colin, she noticed him looking at her intently. Her words startled him. He did not expect her to visit him, much less to apologise.
Pen's voice was trembling slightly as she was trying to explain herself.
"It was a huge misunderstanding and I was not aware at all you were present yesterday." Pen's breath catches in her throat before she continues. "Mary just informed me that it was her who instructed the posting of my articles to you and I came to you as soon as possible."
His eyes teary and lips pursed, Colin stared at her furiously as he realised how she had treated him. As much as he loved her he was so hurt.
He glanced around before raising his eyebrows and replying to her "Pen. You cannot perceive how that pained me. I realise I have hurt you in the past but in recent days I have tried immensely to be the best of what I am, Pen." His breaking voice reflected the pain and sadness he was feeling. "Ever since I have found you here, I have been working hard to earn your forgiveness but no matter how much I do, I feel like it is not enough."
He lifted his chin up and turned his face away trying to appear angry when in truth he was innerly feeling sad as his gaze full of sorrow were clearly drifting towards Penelope, wanting to embrace her in his arms. Naturally she could not perceive that since he had turned his face against her.
"No. Colin…" With remorse, she observed Colin and detected his hurtful expression, remarking as he spoke his voice was nearly quivering with agony.
Penelope gulped, her tone soft. "I believe it is perhaps because the past events still haunt us and also due to what I have experienced the past weeks." She lowers her eyes and continues, still fidgeting with her fingers as Colin listens to her keenly, less irate than before. "I know that I have blamed you for so many matters but it's not true. Numerous things occurred as a result of my decisions as well as the circumstances."
"I am so so sorry Colin" her voice above a whisper, taking a few steps towards him.
"I only wanted to help you, Pen. You could have asked me what the matter was but you did not even let me explain. " He tried to speak firmly, not showing the hurt he felt. However Pen could sense it in his shaking voice and by the way he was behaving with his nervous gaze on her "I…I am sorry for…" Colin continues but Pen interrupts him before he could justify himself more.
"No! I am sorry Colin." her voice pleading. "I am so sorry. I know now you were only trying to help, I was not aware until both my maid and Mary told me. I apologise for unleashing myself on you without knowing the truth." Colin is looking at her intently as she attempts to explain herself.
Lowering her gaze, she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "I think I was influenced by the past events and foolishly assumed that you were spying on me for writing gossip." Her voice is low and tender as she shifts her gaze back at Colin, studying his expression. "I hope you will forgive me." Her breaking voice was on the verge of tears as she gazed at Colin desperately and breathing shakily.
Colin is unable to see her like that, as he's staring at her with desperation, he approaches her slowly, both maintaining eye contact. "I understand if you are furious with me Pen. I have also been angry at you in the past."
Penelope moves towards him, reaching out to hold his hands as her fingers brush against his. A tingling sensation engulfed their bodies as their skin touched. Before continuing to gaze at each other, they glanced at their hands as she placed her top of his.
"No." She shakes her head in disapprovement, locking his eyes. "I am not angry at you Colin. I will not lie saying I was not but it's in the past now. I do agree it has been difficult to perceive you again as the same person you once were but I cannot mostly because…you have grown to become even more comprehensible now." Attempting to let out a light smile nervously, she studies his eyes as she realises how close they were standing.
"Does that mean you like me even more now?" Colin said teasingly with a cheeky smile before retreating back to his upset demeanour.
She felt a stab in her heart as he took his hands off of hers and a step back before adding. "Of course you do not. You are so vexed against me right now, I wonder if I should even bother to stay." Obviously he had no intention of leaving but he just wanted to test the waters.
That notion broke Penelope's heart; she knew she had screwed up, but she had no idea he would leave. Even though it would take some time for things to return to normal, she did not want him to go. She certainly wanted him nearby. .
"Colin, I am sorry! I truly am. I never meant to hurt you...I love you!" She was shouting now, breathlessly. It was imperative for her to declare her love for Colin and for him to know how much he meant to her.
Colin was dumbfounded by what he unexpectedly heard from her. His eyes welled up with tears as he stared at her disheartedly whereby Penelope was already weeping, her face red with worry. She was so scared of losing him again, of losing him for good. If Colin left, they would not have the chance to sort things out again and unite, and she realised now that there was a possibility to get her husband back, her best friend.
"I am not angry because you once were." She stepped forward, looking straight into his eyes as they could hear each other's breath. "Colin, I love you ." Pressing on her last word longer, persuasively, and Colin gazed at her tenderly. Penelope continues, faintly shaking her head "I have never stopped loving you. Not since I have ever loved you, not even when I left, not even when you were not here, not even when I got angry at you, never ." As she blinked, her tears rolled down her cheeks and she let out a sniff.
Letting out a shaky breath, Colin observed her as she seemed to be sincerely honest. Hearing those words made him truthfully and wholeheartedly delighted.
Wiping off her tears, Penelope continues to search Colin's face and eyes as she searches for a response.
He let out a warm smile to her as he reached out for her hands just when she lifted hers to reach out for his.
Colin lifts her right hand and presses a soft kiss on it, his lips curving in a tender smile as his eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I am so happy to hear you say that, Pen."
A soft sigh escapes her, relieved by his words, as she reassures him. "I mean it, Colin." Penelope smiles at him gently, her eyes becoming moist again. Giving her a nod, he smiled back.
"I believe you and I love you too." As he looks into her eyes, his voice is kind and warm-hearted. They continued staring at each other until they felt a heat rush through their veins. Their desire for each other seeped into them as their eyes remained locked. Colin's gaze shifted to her lips as did Penelope too, to his.
They both wanted to kiss each other, they were so close, their clothes were already brushing. Colin wanted to make sure Penelope desired the same before moving forward, studying her face and as much as Penelope did too, she knew it was not wise to go too fast. Not until she'd tell him about her condition. Unlike the last time, she did not wish to move forward while keeping a secret.
She desired Colin too; to kiss him, to hold him in her arms without letting go. In fact she was craving that…but not like this, not with she was confident she would not hold back for long before telling him, she was not ready yet. Gladly, she's certainly sure of her feelings about him.
A second reason was that Pen knew she would not be able to control and would want more than just a kiss. In her current condition, she was feeling extremely amorous and she did not know the reason why and it was embarrassing to discuss that with her maid or anyone else. She just assumed it was her condition building up such cravings just like she keeps experiencing an increasing want to cry all the time and she never felt like it before she was with child.
Should things go forward if they kiss, she feared Colin might discover her secret since she had so many body changes and it was not the ideal moment for him to find out, at least not now. It would be wiser to hold off until their present tension has subsided.
She was confident of starting it afresh with Colin. She was sure she loved him profoundly and undoubtedly wanted a future with him hence wishes to take it slow.
She breaks the rising yearning between them by lowering her eyes.
Pen then looked back at Colin tenderly. "I want it to work between us. I want to rekindle our friendship and become your wife again…" She pauses before resuming. "If you would still want me to be." her lips curving in a hesitant and nervous smile while searching his eyes as she gulped.
"Of course." Colin replied, shaking his head and blinking his eyes, regretfully reversing his focus from her lips and his burning desire for her. "There is nothing else I want, Pen." Glad that their conflict was finally resolved, they both grinned.
As much as he was craving to kiss her, there would be another opportunity…hopefully. For now, he was pleased things were finally better between them. Their quarrel had caused him so much worry.
"I am so delighted to hear that Colin." Pen replies, her eyes lighting up with happiness.
As she presses his hands, she adds on "I want to start over Colin. Perhaps it will take some time because of what happened between us in the past but I am willing to give us a chance. I want to."
Colin nods, even if he wishes to go back to normal right now, he understands that it will take a while. "Of course. I stand by what I said earlier, Pen. I will wait for you until you are ready."
Blinking back, she replies in a soft content tone "You should also know…I am not upset with you over anything, no longer. I do not hold any grudge against you. Nothing at all."
A warm smile spreads across his face, Colin asks, his eyebrows raising in questions "No more grudges?"
Pen smiles back and shakes her head firmly. "No more grudges."
Pen steps backwards slightly, their hands still gripped, her voice remaining soft and her eyes still reflecting the same longing for Colin as she adds. "Can we…can we start again as friends before…before moving forward?" She looks up at him with a curious expression, afraid of having hurt him as she eagerly awaits his response on her request.
A hint of concern flickers across his face as Colin looks down at her, asking himself why she still wished to remain only friends and not more. Then, remembering over how much she had to deal with for the last previous weeks, he believes that giving her time would be wiser rather than pushing everything too far.
"I'm not saying I'm holding on to the past but I will feel more at ease…for now." Perceiving Colin's continued silence she adds further, almost pleading "I'm sorry Colin, I did not mean to hurt you."
As he realises that this would be preferable than not having any relationship with her, Colin nods, though not very pleased with her request but quite thrilled that they have taken another step ahead.
"I understand." A warm and soft smile curving his lips and she returned it back.
Firstly hesitating, she pursued, she desired for all misunderstandings to be cleared. "I had wanted to tell you about my new job. Actually, I was delighted to share the news with you but then I fell sick." She looked gently in his eyes studying them as Colin's smile faded upon remembering the harsh things she had told him but quickly forgot about it seeing her pleasant smile.
"It is alright." Colin smiles back at her then seems as though desiring to add something else but hesitated for a moment. Pen patiently waited for him to talk as he appeared lost in his words.
"Why…why do you have to work Pen. I can take care of you. You may write anything you like if you wish for it as a passion without having to do it as a job. I know I am not the head of my family but I am here for you, I can provide for you. I am certain." His voice is soft and calm. Unquestionably aware that she loved working and excelled at her job, he nonetheless needed to ensure she was aware he wanted to and could provide for her should she not desire to work.
"Don't worry Colin. I enjoy having a job. I am thrilled to work. I know you are here for me and you will always be but my job makes me happy." Pen briefly pauses in reflection before continuing. "Writing for me is not only a hobby, writing is what makes me myself. I feel complete when I write. I feel like it is a part of my being." A proud merry smile spreads across her face.
"I know. You are also very good at it." Colin presses her fingers and offers her a proud smile. "I am so proud of you and the woman that you are, so proud of your achievements."
Both offered each other a beaming smile.
Realising that it was quite late, Penelope decided to leave before the sun would be out since she was alone with her maid. In addition, she felt a little peckish, she had not eaten much in her hurry to Colin's. With a heavy heart, she informs Colin of her departure.
"I should go. It will be dark soon outside and I do not wish to trouble you."
"You could never trouble me, Pen." He glanced over the door then looked back at Pen and added "Let me accompany you."
"It is alright. I will manage." Colin did not agree. "Pen, please let me."
"My maid is outside and thankfully my house is not too far from here, I will be fine." She gave him a reassuring smile and Colin gave in.
Colin nodded. "I shall see you soon." Smiling, he affectionately kisses her hand as Penelope gives him a warm smile before leaving his room. Their eyes stayed locked for a moment exchanging several silent emotions of longing and love before she broke it and drifted away to the door. Although they were both reluctant to separate, they were somewhat relieved that the tension between them both was over. Colin is thrilled that Pen came to visit him.
The following day, Colin did not come to visit. In actuality, he had fallen sick. It wasn't that severe; he had developed a slight fever, but he was unable to travel to visit her and so he chose not to send her any message to not add to her worry and also in case it might be contagious for her.
Meanwhile Penelope spent the entire day waiting for Colin after delivering her articles to the press and when he did not show up without any note she presumed that he had still been upset. She had wished to visit him but thought to give him time to come and was quite puzzled because she believed their conflict had ceased and that he was no longer crossed with her.
Another reason she could not visit him was her health. She was not feeling the best and she remembered the physician's advice to rest. In addition, was also assisting her maid with the household chores. She did not complain of the drastic change in her lifestyle for she was a very patient and hardworking person.
Penelope thought to give it another day and to wait until he might visit and if he did, she would then go to visit him the day after. For a while she was terrified that he might have left her but then tried to not strain herself too much and affect her health but also because she was certain Colin would not leave, though she was not reassured he had calmed entirely from his anger of their previous encounter.
A few hours after breakfast the following day, Colin came. He did not come only to visit this time, he had something else in mind.
As Colin came upstairs, he found Pen in her study seated on a chair directly across door. Even though she innerly doubted him of still being furious due to his absence the previous day, she was overjoyed to finally see him even if somewhat surprised.
"Good day, Pen." Colin appeared serious, though obviously glad to see her. His voice was firm but soft so was his gaze. She had been sitting and ruminating about them, then she saw him. Now that she noticed his serious expression, Penelope wondered if Colin was perhaps indeed vexed with her for what she had said though it did not make sense he would still be. They had already cleared their argument.
"Colin. Good day. I did not know you would visit today." Penelope's lips curve into a smile but Colin gives her a desperate look.
Colin takes a steadying breath as he kneels down to where she was seated, looking at her right in the eye. "Pen."
"There's something I have been meaning to tell you." He was wearing an expression she had seen before, the face he had in her carriage when he had proposed and revealed his feelings.
Pen grew curious to what Colin was prepared to confess now as she attentively looked down at him, her brow furrowed in concentration.
During the past days, ever since Penelope had left his bedchamber, Colin had been thinking about it over and over again. As much as he was delighted that they would be starting as friends, it was itching him that he could not be with Pen as lovers, as spouses again. He missed her so much and being only friends would not suffice. He wanted more, but he thought to wait until Pen was ready. Even when he was sick, lying in bed he was still contemplating them as a couple and more than friends.
However, that day had been three months already since he had proposed to Pen in that carriage, expressing his feelings, choosing to make her his wife and he could not restrain himself any longer.
It was making him feel emotional as this stirred up some blissful memories.
"Pen, I do not wish to be your friend." Her heart skipped a beat on these words until he added "I wish to be more than your friend."
Taking a gulp, he moves closer to her as she can almost hear him breathe, gazing at him carefully, her attention fixed on his declaration. "I have been your friend all our lives and I do not wish to do the same anymore."
"I wish to be your husband. I wish to be your partner, your spouse. To be there by your side at all times and to care for you, to love you." He was gazing at her desperately as she continued to focus on him. Shaking his head he continues "I don't wish to lose any more time that I can spend with you, Pen. I recognise I have made some ill choices in the past and I have disregarded you and I truthfully regret it. I wish I could have done things differently but all I can do is to be someone better for the future."
"I know I should have been with you after our wedding but there was so much going on, I was distracted and I failed to see that you needed me by your side. I realised only after you were gone that as a husband, I failed to be with you, my wife, to…to start the day together, to end the night together...not alone." His expression blended despair and agony as his blue eyes stared at her agonisingly.
Pen's eyes lowers as she replies, recalling her loneliness as a newly married bride "Sometimes…sometimes I wonder if you did not come to me because I…I was not experienced enough for you as the women you had been with." She looks back at him, her eyes revealing hurt.
Colin shakes his head, his gaze reflecting the pain at the eye-opening realisation of how he had actually made her feel. "Pen!" "No!" "Of course not."
"I…" "It was never the reason Pen." "I have loved every moment we have been together, you are not comparable to anyone else Pen." Given that he looks honest, Penelope believes him.
Smiling lightly he resumes "You know, when I went on my travels, I was somewhat searching for my purpose. I always felt so lost and travelling helped me to clear my thoughts and to perhaps guide me in finding my purpose."
He breathed deeply and resumed. "Pen, I do not believe I will need to travel again to find my way because I am certain that… you are my purpose. I do not need to search for any reason to be anymore because you are all the reasons I want to be Colin. The reason for which I want to wake up everyday."
"I realise how you helped my…our family; the Bridgertons by protecting us in your column even if you wrote nasty things but it was to cover the fact that you were trying to protect us from a bad reputation." Penelope did not believe what she was actually hearing.
"You really are a different woman Pen. You had been the one woman in the ton who was not only looking to be married but who was also trying to pursue her aspirations. You had been the most eligible woman and perhaps men did not court you because they felt like they were not good enough for you." Smiling at that comment, Penelope's eyes twinkled.
"I am somewhat glad many men did not court you otherwise we would never have gotten together." Colin lets out a small giggle and Penelope echoes.
Colin moistens his lips and continues "You know, I have always loved you, Pen. I was so foolish to not realise it sooner." He was gazing deeply at her as she was listening to him keenly, staring at him admirably as he was confessing himself. "Every time we met and conversed, my love for you was there and it grew deeper with time but I did not realise it."
Pen lowers her gaze, recalling all the years she waited for him and the scary situation had she been married to another man, before looking back at him.
"I had missed you immensely while I was on my travels, then when I saw you again my heart rejoiced but you turned me away. After that, I attempted to approach you again to talk at the first ball when you were looking so exquisite and my heart tore upon knowing the reason you had stopped writing to me, because of the suffering my words had caused you."
"Colin." Penelope tries to interrupt him as she no longer holds any grudge with him over that. "It is long forgotten, do not bring it..."
Colin shakes his head. "Let me Pen. I want to let you know how much I have loved you all this time. Ever since we first kissed, I was tortured not being by your side, suffering for seeing you being courted by another man but me." Colin stared at her with such ardour that made her breath catch in her throat.
"I wish for us to be together Pen, not as friends, well, we can remain friends of course but I want to be friends as your husband."
"I expect nothing of you. I just want to love you, to be with you no matter how you are, where you are and what you want to do in life. I love you for who you are Pen, the independent woman that you are, living your own life by your own means, so brave and courageous." Colin gives her a proud smile. "I believe being together you can undeniably guide me to become someone more comprehensible, so I can learn from my mistakes, being the intelligent woman that you are. "
Penb smiles at him with his tender and praising words but adds in a low tone. "We all make mistakes Colin, I am not perfect."
"But you are perfect for me Pen, with your perfections and imperfections, I love you for who you are."
"I wish to shower my love on you and the children we shall have in future." He was oblivious of the fact that she was already with child.
"I wish to have children for us that are just like you, the same that you are."
Pen gasps at that statement as Colin lifts his left hand and brushes a strand of hair from her face and as if analysing her face he adds with a soft light smile, "I want a little girl who looks just like you, the same blue eyes, intelligent and brave as you are" just as he brushes the strand behind her ear and cups her face with his hand.
Pen's heart twinges at his words and wishes to inform him of her condition. Then she remembers and asks "What about me being Lady Whistledown? What if I continue?"
"It doesn't matter Pen, I love you for who you are." he replies with an earnest tone.
With that said, a solemn tear drops down Pen's cheek; her body looked calm compared to how tangled her mind was. With all the confessions, her eyes had grown watery, and she was unable to hold it back. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she realised that she wanted to get back with Colin as his wife since she loved him too much.
"I want to as well Colin. There's nothing more I desire than to be your wife, believe me, but…"
Pen is reluctant to get together with him too hastily being with child, not that she is doubting him since she is certain he will be a good father but she was unable to. Something was innerly stopping her. This was furthermore due to the fact that he had not visited for the past day and was perplexed if he had been angry again despite her apology and the tender moment they shared.
As Colin keeps studying her expressions for a continuity to that 'but' she replies "...but…everything has changed now Colin, nothing is not like before."
Colin seems puzzled and asks as his brows furrow, gazing at her in curiosity "How?"
The main reason was her being with child. Before accepting to be his wife, she should inform him of that foremost.
She absolutely wished to tell him but she is unable to, something in her is stopping her from telling. It's not that she does not trust him and she was not doing it on purpose. She was unable to act in any way to tell him her truth at that moment and it was not by choice. Perhaps she required more time hence why she requested to be friends firstly or for the fact that she feared of having to settle somewhere else again, it was so much trouble already one time. This was the trauma of the past haunting her.
At that point she had no grudges against him.
It was the most sincere, romantic and profound confession she had ever received from someone, and to receive it from the man she loved meant everything. Penelope's convinced she will never get this from anyone else, ever. She felt so lucky. It was more than she had ever dreamt of. At that time, she felt as though she needed some time to reflect or perhaps a guidance; a friendly or motherly advice.
Pen lowers her eyes as she gets lost in her thoughts, unable to give him a response to his query.
Observing Penelope's silence and unwilling to share the issue, Colin took a deep breath and got up, feeling restless as he shook his head and took some steps back from her, pondering on how to remedy the situation while keeping an eye on Pen who was being utterly stubborn and refusing to give up.
Stepping further, he stood beside the door looking about the room, lost in his own musings, thinking of a solution.
Penelope's maid then came to see her and upon spotting her from the door entrance, she approached to talk to her, unaware of Colin's presence.
"Ma'am, will you eat something? You have eaten only a light breakfast in the morning and it has been quite a few hours. Do you want me to prepare you some soup maybe?"
Pen had everything but food on her mind at that time. She had been unable to eat properly in the morning due to the anxiousness of Colin's absence. "No. I do not wish to eat anything right now." Pen did not even lift her head to look at her, she was too preoccupied with the tenseness in the room with Colin as her mind and expression were filled with worry, fidgeting with her chair's arm.
"Please Ma'am, let me bring you something. You should not eat so little now, since you are with child you should eat for two."
Just as she uttered those words, Penelope lifted her head and looked at her, not shocked, not affected; unmoved, but still deeply in worry.
Hearing those words and his reflection broken, Colin immediately turns back to face the maid, shocked, his mouth left agape, eyes widened as a tear falls down his cheek.
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NOTES:
I knowwwww. A cliffhanger :P
It's what makes it exciting to read the new chapter because patience bears fruits :P
Let me know how you found this chapter