Chapter 19 - Waiting for the Spring
Elizabeth spent most of her time in her father's room, reading to him and writing letters on his behalf. As she sat by his bedside, her thoughts drifted unbidden to Mr Darcy. She chided herself for these musings, reminding herself of her engagement to Mr Collins, yet couldn't reconcile her growing regard for a man she once despised.
Mary and Jane insisted that she let them take over from time to time, so as not to have her become ill herself. Elizabeth protested, saying she was not really giving up so much of her time as she would normally have been walking out, but that it was still too cold for long walks yet. But her sisters were firm, where they felt they were right.
There were, of course, another demands on their time, their agreement not to let Kitty or Lydia out of the house without one of them as well was proving harder than they had thought it would, and had led to some rather irritated bickering on the younger girls' side. Kitty was much easier to work on then Lydia, and Elizabeth felt that after a few days she had begun to see an improvement in her.
Kitty was beginning to realise what it meant that her father was as ill as he was.
As the family gathered for breakfast, Elizabeth found herself without appetite. The knot of anxiety in her stomach, born from her conflicted emotions and uncertain future, seemed to leave no room for food.
Two letters from Mr Collins arrived a few days after their return, one for Elizabeth and the other, Mr Bennet. He was to wait on them for almost three weeks, he was to leave on a Monday morning and arrive back in Kent on a Saturday afternoon, so as to inconvenience his noble patroness as little as possible. They were to expect him in a week.
"Oh, that is very good news indeed," Mrs Bennet cried when Elizabeth told her. "I must speak to Hill about getting some of the fish that he enjoyed so much while he was here before. Lydia, my love, ring the bell. We must settle all of the details for the wedding very quickly. Lizzy, you must tell your father you insist on marrying Mr Collins straight away."
Mary surprised her sister by coming to her defence, "Mama, you know it would be better to wait until the summer. Father will be more himself by then. It will be much talked of it, if he does not give Lizzy away."
Mrs Bennet was not convinced. Jane, however, joined Mary in the defence of their sister. She spoke softly, "If his situation worsens we can arrange something, but he is not growing too much worse."
"He will do better in the spring. We just need to wait until the spring," Elizabeth said more to herself than to the others.
Mrs Bennet was silent as she looked from one to the other of her three eldest daughters.
"You are all determined on ruining us. At least Mr Darcy has not returned, for that would really ruin us all."
"Shall we try that song again, Elizabeth?" Mary asked her, "I would like to play it at the Lucas' tomorrow evening."
Elizabeth readily agreed, and they left the room, leaving Jane to try and reason with their mother.
Charlotte's presence was missed at their dinner at Lucas Lodge. Elizabeth discovered from Charlotte's younger sister Maria that she was not expected back in the country soon.
Elizabeth did miss her friend, so many things seemed to be changing about her. Her father would soon be taken from her, she would be joined hereafter with Mr Collins.
She did at least have the pleasure of seeing Mr Bingley almost rude to others in his continued attentions to her sister, for they were now almost always together. Jane was truly happy and for her sake Elizabeth tried to be happy as well.
Mr Bingley seemed to be looking for a chance to ask them to Netherfield, but without his sisters seemed unable to find a suitable reason for such an attention. Instead, they invited him to Longbourn, he accepted most readily.
Elizabeth couldn't help but smile as she observed Jane and Mr Bingley together. Her sister, typically so measured in her responses, seemed unable to hide her pleasure in his company. The soft smiles, the lingering glances – all pointed to a depth of feeling that Elizabeth found both heartening and, given her own circumstances, a little envious.
It was the first time she had really been in conversation with Mr Wickham since learning the truth of his history. He seemed ready to distinguish her by those attentions that had marked the very early part of their acquaintance.
"I have not had a chance to speak with you since your return from London. You enjoyed London then?" he began, to which she only smiled.
"I have not had the chance to speak to you properly since before the ball at Netherfield," he continued. "I am sorry I missed the pleasure of dancing with you there."
"I believe that considering the events after the ball it is of little matter," she replied at last.
"It was a surprise to hear of your engagement," he was searching her eyes for something.
"My acquaintance with Mr Collins has certainly not been long, but I do not see the reason for the surprise. He is a very eligible young man."
He smiled at this, "Yes, very eligible, but sometimes reason and sense do not always lead a strong head or a passionate heart. Sometimes reason is best left aside." His eyes were locked with hers, as if trying to make her understand his meaning.
"Without reason and sense, even the most sensible head and heart can very easily be led astray."
"I had hoped – perhaps I say too much," he paused, as if waiting for encouragement. "But I had hoped that you would not be as sensible as you appeared."
"How so, Mr Wickham?"
"I have not enjoyed the company of any young lady as much as I have enjoyed yours."
Elizabeth opened her mouth to reply, she knew not what, when he turned hurriedly from her, leaving her rather confused. Had he been implying what she thought he had been? No, it could not be.
Ever since she had heard Mr Darcy's confession, her opinion of both gentlemen had changed. She had been struck that Mr Wickham had told her his story, when he had barely known her and she had been surprised that she had not noticed this before. But there was such an openness in his manner that she had found it hard not to believe him. And her opinion of Mr Darcy had been so well formed with so little reason that it was no wonder that she had believed his story.
It was one thing to try and elope with a young lady who he must have been fond of in order to gain access to her future, but this was quite another. No, she must have misunderstood his meaning. He must have just been surprised at her engagement to Mr Collins and was expressing it. She did, however, watch him out of the corner of her eye for the rest of the evening.
That night, Elizabeth tossed and turned, unable to find rest. Her mind raced with thoughts of Mr Darcy and Mr Wickham, leaving her exhausted yet unable to sleep.
In the intervening days between the Lucas Lodge dinner and Mr Collins' arrival, Elizabeth tried to steel herself for what was to come. Yet, no amount of preparation seemed sufficient.
Mr Collins did arrive punctually and spent a great deal of the afternoon sitting with Mrs Bennet and her daughters. They had thought it best not to tell him that Mr Bennet was seriously ill, that it was only a slight cold, as he was now so ill that they would not have been able to hide his illness to a house guest.
Mr Bennet, though weakened by his illness, managed to summon his characteristic wit when informed of Mr Collins' arrival.
"I suppose we must endure his presence, Lizzy," he said with a wry smile. "Though I daresay my current state might excuse me from too much of his company."
Elizabeth could see the concern in her father's eyes, poorly masked by his attempt at humour.
"I wish I were well enough to spare you from this." The weight of his words hung heavily in the air, a reminder of the precarious situation that had led to Elizabeth's engagement.
Mr Collins was delighted to see them all again and spoke at great length about how pleased Lady Catherine was by his choice of bride. He made no mention of having seen them in London or of Mr Darcy until they were on their own much later.
He smiled at Elizabeth, "Lady Catherine, my dear, has such Christian goodness of spirit that I am sure you will find her the very best of neighbours. Indeed, how could anyone think otherwise? And do not be alarmed, my dear Elizabeth, that she will be too hard on yourself about your little rebellion just after Christmas, Lady Catherine has declared that it will be quite forgotten after we are married, and of course, after Mr Darcy is married to her own daughter. For they will be married very soon."
Elizabeth had taken up her work as soon as she could and tried to focus all of her attention on it, rather than on him.
Escaping Mr Collins' tedious conversation, Elizabeth found herself comparing him unfavourably not just to Mr Darcy, but to Mr Wickham as well. The realization made her uncomfortable. How had she come to a place where her feelings for both men were so complex and contradictory? She longed for the simplicity of her former judgments, when Mr Wickham was good, Mr Darcy proud, and her own heart not so treacherously confused.
Though Mr Bennet was too ill to leave his room, he insisted on being kept informed of Mr Collins' visit.
"Tell me, Lizzy," he said during one of their quiet moments together, "does the prospect of married life with our esteemed cousin improve upon closer acquaintance?"
His tone was light, but Elizabeth could see the worry etched in the lines of his face.
Elizabeth rubbed her temples, trying to ease the tension that had taken up residence there. The strain of caring for her father, managing Mr Collins' visit, and her own tumultuous feelings were beginning to take their toll.
The following morning, seeking respite from Mr Collins' attentions, Elizabeth took a solitary walk in the garden. The crisp air did little to clear her muddled thoughts. She had once found Mr Wickham's charm irresistible, but now it felt hollow compared to the depth of feeling Mr Darcy stirred in her. Yet, could she trust those feelings? Or was she simply trading one misguided infatuation for another?
As Elizabeth returned from her walk, she felt a dull ache beginning to form behind her eyes. The weight of her conflicted emotions seemed to manifest as a physical burden, leaving her longing for the simplicity of her former convictions.
ooOoo
Darcy's business took longer than he had expected it to, so it was nearing three weeks before he was able to return to Hertfordshire again. Georgiana had enjoyed their stay a great deal, although he had not been able to spend as much time with her as they would have liked. She had learned how to stand up on her own on the ice in her skates, although she still fell when she moved around too fast.
She had had one letter from Elizabeth in reply to the one she had sent from London, which she had read him some of the passages of. He was pleased not to have been completely cut off from her. Elizabeth had not written in good spirits, that much was clear.
As Georgiana shared passages from Elizabeth's letter, Darcy struggled to maintain his composure. The lack of Elizabeth's usual vivacity in her writing stirred a mixture of concern and determination within him. He longed to be in Hertfordshire, to see for himself that she was well.
The mention of Hertfordshire in Elizabeth's letter seemed to reignite Georgiana's interest in accompanying her brother on his return journey.
"Why won't you let me come with you to Hertfordshire, brother?" Georgiana had asked again one evening.
"You know very well," he replied, not looking up from the book he was reading.
"But if it is alright for you to be there, then surely it would be for me to join you?"
"I am not a young lady, Georgiana. Men are blessed in some ways and most certainly in matters like this."
She sighed, "But why should it be such an unpleasant matter? I do not see why at all?"
Darcy sometimes forgot just how young his sister was, or how little knowledge she had of the world. "I will speak frankly now but I will not do so again. If I am successful in my purpose, then the engagement between them will not last much longer. However, engagements once made public are almost as binding as a marriage is, at least as far as reputation is concerned."
"So you are worried about my reputation? But how can I be affected?"
"By being my sister. If everything goes to plan, then my involvement in the matter will not be known except as a friend of Mr Bingley's. However, these things do not always go to plan."
"But how could I be any more affected there than I would be in London? I am still your sister no matter how far away we are."
"That is true, but if you are in the neighbourhood there is a much larger risk. There is also one other reason I do not want you to go into Hertfordshire. Mr Wickham is staying in Meryton."
Georgiana started and coloured, for she had not been expecting that. They never spoke of the events that had taken place at Ramsgate.
"Fitzwilliam, you cannot believe me in danger from him now, surely?"
He studied her face for a moment or two before responding.
"No, I don't believe you are in danger now. But I do wish to spare you any pain that it is in my power."
Darcy marvelled at how his feelings for Elizabeth had indirectly strengthened his bond with Georgiana. His sister's empathy and support had been a balm during this uncertain time, and he found himself more appreciative than ever of her presence in his life.
As he prepared for his journey, Darcy carefully considered his approach. He would need to be discreet, yet decisive. His first task would be to ascertain the true state of Elizabeth's feelings, both towards himself and Mr Collins. Only then could he determine the best course of action to dissolve her engagement without causing a scandal.
Darcy's purpose was clear in his mind: to free Elizabeth from her ill-conceived engagement and offer her a chance at true happiness - with him. However, he was acutely aware of the delicacy of the situation. He would need to navigate the social expectations and potential for scandal with the utmost care, all while trying to win Elizabeth's heart.
As Darcy contemplated his strategy, he couldn't help but consider how his actions might impact Bingley's pursuit of Jane Bennet. He hoped that his friend's courtship would provide a convenient excuse for his own frequent visits to Longbourn, but he also worried that any scandal surrounding Elizabeth's broken engagement could potentially harm Jane's prospects as well. The matter required more thought. Of course, if they were married, or engaged it would be easier to handle. He meant to discuss what the delay was with Bingley.
In considering his initial approach to Elizabeth, Darcy decided on a strategy of quiet attentiveness. He would observe her closely, looking for any signs that her feelings towards him might have softened, before making any overt gestures.
Darcy planned to use Bingley's courtship of Jane as a pretext for his first interactions with Elizabeth. By joining his friend on visits to Longbourn, he hoped to ease into Elizabeth's company without raising suspicion.
The presence of Wickham in Meryton added another layer of complexity to Darcy's plans. He determined to keep a close eye on the man's activities and, if necessary, use his influence to have Wickham removed from the militia stationed there.
In the quiet of his study, Darcy allowed himself a moment of introspection. The man preparing to return to Hertfordshire was not the same one who had left it weeks ago. His feelings for Elizabeth had transformed him, awakening emotions he scarcely recognized. As he faced the prospect of seeing her again, he felt both exhilarated and terrified.
Darcy's customary self-assurance wavered as he contemplated his return to Hertfordshire. The challenge before him was unlike any he had faced before, involving not just strategy and social manoeuvring, but the deepest feelings of his heart. For perhaps the first time in his life, Fitzwilliam Darcy felt truly vulnerable.
ooOoo
Elizabeth was upstairs with her father one morning when she heard the sound of someone at the door, her mother's voice carried upstairs, "Jane come quickly, it is Mr Bingley."
Elizabeth felt a small smile tug at her lips, happy for Jane despite her own reluctance to join the gathering. Her sister deserved every moment of joy Mr Bingley's visits brought her.
Elizabeth decided to remain where she was; she was not in the mood to listen to Mr Collins and he had become in the habit of attaching himself to her the moment she appeared. Her father asked her to close the door so that they might not hear Mrs Bennet's joy.
ooOoo
Darcy knew his first encounter with Elizabeth would be crucial. He resolved to approach her with a gentle warmth, hoping to put her at ease while subtly conveying his changed feelings towards her.
In considering his initial approach to Elizabeth, Darcy decided on a strategy of quiet attentiveness. He would observe her closely, looking for any signs that her feelings towards him might have softened, before making any overt gestures.
Darcy was more than ready to see Elizabeth again; he had been away long enough and did not want to be away for as long again. He had arrived at Netherfield that morning and upon discovering that Bingley was planning on riding over to Longbourn, he decided to join him.
As the entered the house the lingering scent of freshly baked bread from the morning's breakfast mingled with the aroma of tea, creating a homely atmosphere.
Darcy noticed Mrs Bennet's face fall as he entered the room behind Bingley. Although she inquired after his journey and his sister, Darcy was surprised by the warmth of Miss Bennet's smile and greeting, so different from her mother's reaction.
He was disappointed to find that Elizabeth was not present in the room and even more so that Mr Collins was. Darcy's shoulders tensed imperceptibly as he scanned the room, his hopes of seeing Elizabeth quickly fading. Darcy watched as Mr Collins bowed, his manner as obsequious as ever.
"Lady Catherine was in the best of health just five days ago, Mr Darcy," he said with a bow. "She gave me a message to give you in case I saw you here. Her ladyship said to say that she looks forward to seeing you at Rosings with herself and her noble daughter this Easter."
As Mr Collins began to speak, tension radiated through Darcy's body. His jaw clenched, shoulders tightened, and fingers dug into the arms of his chair, betraying the strain of maintaining his composure. The man's obsequious tone grated on his nerves even more than he remembered.
"You are too kind," Darcy replied, taking the letter from Mr Collins' hand, his voice steady despite the turmoil within.
Darcy's eyes swept across the drawing room, noting how the morning light highlighted the faded floral wallpaper and well-worn furniture that spoke of genteel poverty.
As Collins droned on about Lady Catherine's latest pronouncements, Darcy couldn't help but imagine Elizabeth's witty retorts to such tedious conversation, were she present. How could she bear to be engaged to a man so utterly devoid of sense and sensibility?
The urge to contradict Collins' ridiculous assertions grew with each passing moment. Darcy forced himself to remain outwardly calm, though his knuckles whitened as he gripped the chair arms even tighter.
The cheerful chirping of birds outside the window provided a stark contrast to the tense atmosphere within the room.
Darcy was pleased when Bingley looked around and noticed that Elizabeth was missing from the room.
"Where is Miss Elizabeth?" Bingley asked, his usual exuberance softening to a gentle warmth as he addressed Jane. "I hope she is not unwell, for I had hoped to invite you all to dinner at Netherfield tomorrow night."
As Bingley spoke, Darcy observed their interaction closely. He noted their deepening attachment with a mixture of satisfaction and envy. Silently, he vowed to support their union, hoping it might balance the scales for his past interference.
Darcy's attention was drawn back to Mrs Bennet as her smile changed, becoming somehow more ingratiating. "I am not sure where Lizzy is," she replied.
"Oh, will there be dancing?" Miss Catherine Bennet said excitedly.
Miss Bennet stood quickly, "She is with father, I will get her."
"I hope all the officers will be invited!" sighed Miss Lydia Bennet.
"No, Jane. Leave her where she is," Mrs Bennet said firmly, her smile still in place but all humour gone from her voice. "Mr Bennet has a slight cold and dear Lizzy insists on sitting with him and reading to him. She is such a good girl." She directed the last part to Mr Collins, who smiled at this piece of news.
"As Fordyce says, 'Moderation in all things is the mark of a well-regulated mind.' Perhaps we should consider a more modest gathering," Miss Mary Bennet spoke quietly.
Darcy's jaw clenched as he struggled to maintain composure. "I hope Mr Bennet's illness is not serious," he said, brow furrowed. "Perhaps Miss Elizabeth could join us briefly."
He imagined her tending to her father, worried about the toll on her spirits. Could this explain her recent melancholy?
The lively, lived-in atmosphere of Longbourn in the morning stood in stark contrast to the formal, often silent breakfast room at Netherfield.
"Tis a trifling cold," Mrs Bennet sharply exclaimed.
Mrs Bennet's dismissal of the illness as a 'trifling cold' rang false to Darcy. He made a mental note to discreetly inquire about Mr Bennet's true condition, perhaps through Bingley's connections in the neighbourhood.
Darcy's concern grew as he considered Mr Bennet's condition. If serious, it could explain Elizabeth's hasty engagement to Collins - a desperate attempt to secure her family's future. The thought made his chest tighten with understanding and renewed urgency. A muscle twitched in Darcy's cheek as he contemplated the implications, absently tugging at his suddenly constricting cravat.
This complication would require a delicate approach. He needed to find a way to offer support without appearing opportunistic, all while considering the precarious position of the Bennet women should the worst happen. It underscored the importance of his intervention - not just for Elizabeth's happiness, but potentially for her security.
"Yes, she nursed Miss Bennet when she was ill at Netherfield last year," Bingley said with a smile, "after walking all the way to Netherfield."
Mr Collins started a little. "But is it not nearly three miles to Netherfield from here?"
"Lizzy does enjoy walking," Miss Bennet said, "she is always going off somewhere or other."
"Exercise is very good for us all," Mrs Bennet said looking at her eldest daughter a little oddly. "Lizzy only enjoys walking for her health, of course. She does not go wandering about the country for the sake of it."
Darcy felt his lips twitch with amusement, but he quickly schooled his features to maintain his composure.
"And do you enjoy walking, sir? There are many fine walks around Rosings," he asked Mr Collins, who seemed pleased at such an attention from such a quarter.
Lady Catherine believes that walking is excellent exercise, but I do find more pleasure in attending my garden," Mr Collins replied. "I also attend Lady Catherine daily and the walk between my humble parsonage and Rosings Park is one I'm sure my dear Elizabeth will come to know and love as much as I do."
As Mr Collins expounded on the virtues of his 'humble parsonage,' Darcy felt a wave of distress wash over him. The thought of Elizabeth relegated to a small country parsonage, her vibrant spirit dimmed by such a tedious companion, made his stomach churn. He couldn't bear the idea of her trapped in a loveless marriage, her potential wasted.
"I must say, Mr Darcy, that Lady Catherine's magnanimity knows no bounds. Her ladyship's concern for the spiritual and physical well-being of her parish is truly exemplary."
As Mr Collins rattled on about Lady Catherine, Darcy's mind began to work. Perhaps Mr Collins' obvious desire for approval could be used to his advantage. If he could persuade the man that a match with Elizabeth was not in his best interest… Darcy took a deep breath, willing the tension in his shoulders to ease as he considered the possibilities.
The subject was dropped. Darcy hoped that Elizabeth would join them, however she remained upstairs with her father. He had hoped to speak to her, but he was sadly disappointed.
Georgiana had given him a letter to give to her and he was planning on using it for a private moment or two with her.
As the conversation lulled, Darcy's mind raced with possibilities. He needed to gauge Elizabeth's feelings, find a way to dissolve her engagement without scandal, all while navigating the complexities of her family situation. It was a delicate balance, but one he was determined to master.
His hand twitched towards Georgiana's letter in his pocket, tempted to invent an excuse to seek out Elizabeth. But Mrs Bennet's watchful gaze reminded him of the delicacy of his situation. Reluctantly, he abandoned the idea. Reason prevailed over desire, and he remained seated, his disappointment carefully masked.
Seeking to maintain conversation, Darcy turned to Miss Bennet. "Has your family been able to enjoy any outings lately? I remember Miss Elizabeth speaking of her love for walking. Indeed, when we met you in Hyde Park you were all out for a walk.
As Bingley addressed Miss Bennet, his usual exuberance softening to a gentle warmth, Darcy noted their deepening attachment with a mixture of satisfaction and envy. He silently vowed to support their union, hoping it might balance the scales for his past interference.
If Bingley were to propose, it would certainly change the atmosphere at Longbourn. Darcy wondered how such a development might influence Mrs Bennet's attitude towards Elizabeth's engagement to Mr Collins.
Darcy's musings on Bingley's potential proposal were interrupted by a shift in the room's energy. The conversation had reached a natural lull, and he sensed the visit was coming to an end.
Darcy found himself reluctant to leave without having seen Elizabeth. When they stood to leave, Bingley again impressed the dinner on them, Mrs Bennet looked around Miss Bennet before answering.
"Oh, Mr Bingley! How kind you are to think of us. A dinner at Netherfield! What a treat that would be for my girls! But I am not sure who will be able to come, Mr Bingley, but it is so good of you to invite us. I do not want to leave my husband unattended but by servants. Jane will so be able to attend, as I am sure will my younger girls. Lizzy, however," she glanced at Mr Darcy before continuing, "I am not sure Mr Bennet can spare her. She has always been his favourite."
A muscle jumped in Darcy's jaw. He unclenched his fist, only then realizing how tightly he'd been holding it.
Mrs Bennet's words about Elizabeth being her father's favourite struck Darcy as significant. If true, it could explain Elizabeth's sense of duty in accepting Collins' proposal, perhaps seeing it as a way to secure her family's future.
"Mr Bingley," Miss Bennet's gentle voice was a sharp contract to her mother, "we would be delighted to attend dinner at Netherfield. All of us." She glanced meaningfully at her mother. "I'm sure Elizabeth could be spared for one evening, and the change would do her good."
"My sister Georgiana asked me to convey her regards to Miss Elizabeth," Darcy reached for the letter in his pocket. "Perhaps I could deliver it to her personally and inquire after Mr Bennet?" Darcy's heart raced as he made the suggestion, his usually steady hand trembling slightly.
"Oh, Mr Darcy, you are too kind," Mrs Bennet exclaimed, her voice overly bright. "But surely you and Mr Bingley must be on your way? We wouldn't want to keep you any longer. Jane, dear, why don't you see the gentlemen out?" Her pointed look at her eldest daughter left no room for argument.
Darcy felt a surge of frustration as Mrs Bennet deftly blocked his attempt to see Elizabeth. His jaw clenched momentarily before he forced his features into a mask of polite indifference. Inwardly, he seethed at the woman's transparent manoeuvring.
"Of course, Mrs Bennet. I wouldn't wish to impose," Darcy replied, his tone carefully neutral despite the disappointment churning in his gut. He slipped Georgiana's letter back into his pocket, acutely aware of its weight against his chest - so close to Elizabeth, yet impossibly far.
As Jane led them to the door, Darcy's mind raced, searching for another opportunity, another excuse to linger. But Mrs Bennet's watchful gaze followed them, leaving no room for further attempts.
Stepping out into the crisp air, Darcy took a deep breath, willing his racing heart to slow. This setback was frustrating, but he reminded himself that it was only temporary. He would find a way to speak with Elizabeth, to gauge her feelings. He had to.
Bingley, his mind clearly on a very different train of thought than Darcy, said, "I say, a dinner party is just the thing to lift everyone's spirits! What do you think, Darcy? Shall we make it a grand affair?"
"Indeed, Bingley. I'm sure your enthusiasm will be more than enough to compensate for any deficiencies in the menu."