Chapter 26 – Nightmares

Continuation of Chapter 12, StarvationTrigger warning: talk of rape and death

She laid in the coffin. The one she had selected when she was 18 years old. Before she had went to medical school. Her parents had been to the lawyer's office to finalize all of their wills. In the process, Constance made sure that all of the arrangements were taken care of in the event of her or Arthur's passing. She didn't want Maura to have to deal with that if something should happen to them.

Maura asked if she could make her arrangements. At first Constance hugged her and told her she was much too young to think about that. Mainly because she didn't want to think about Maura dying. But Maura was trying to be practical, especially now that she was going to be going away with Médecins Sans Frontières for almost two years.

"But mother, what if something happens to me. You and father would be devastated. I would like to know that you wouldn't have to deal with those details. I am old enough to make my own choices, aren't I?"

Constance found it hard to argue with that. She had raised Maura to be independent and to think about herself. Maura knew working with MSF could be dangerous. Constance agreed and Maura sat down with the representative from the funeral home and let her desires be known.

The coffin was gold in color with a tan lined interior. There was a small pillow at the head of the coffin. It was an option the representative had told her. "Some people liked the thought of looking as if they were sleeping," she continued. Constance and Arthur had both opted for the pillow so Maura chose a pillow as well.

There were beautiful flowers all around her. Some of her friends from school, the few she did have, were there along with their parents. She heard people talking, 'I can't believe that she is gone, she was so young and had so much to do in this world.'

Maura wondered what was going on. She could see herself in the coffin but she wasn't dead. She was watching everyone. She tried to speak to her mother. She called out for her but she didn't answer, it was like she couldn't hear her. She called out for her father and received the same response, nothing. Why couldn't anyone hear her? Why were they ignoring her?

She woke up and realized that it had all been a dream, a very realistic dream. She went downstairs so that she could fix herself something for breakfast. She was in San Francisco, the time was three hours behind New York, she decided to call her mother. "Darling, what a surprise. It is so lovely to hear from you." Her mother said as a greeting when she answered the phone.

"Good, morning, mother. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Is everything okay? Are you getting along okay with your boss and coworkers?"

"Yes, mother, everything is fine. It has just been a few days since I have talked with you and I thought I would call to see how you were." Maura lied, she knew she would break out in hives but she didn't care. She needed to hear her mother's voice. The dream had frightened her and she needed to calm down before she started her long work day.

She couldn't tell her mother that she was having nightmares. Maybe she should talk with someone, a therapist. She didn't like discussing such things but she couldn't have nightmares every night. She didn't die. She had lived. She didn't starve to death. Her patients had starved to death and maybe that was in the back of her mind. She didn't want any of this in her medical records. If she saw a therapist, they would make notes and it would be documented. She needed to find a way to deal with this on her own.

It had been three months since she arrived in San Francisco. She had delayed her arrival a few months while she recuperated from the trauma of almost starving to death. She thought that she was better. She thought that she could handle herself. She was wrong. The nightmares were getting worse. She was up to about seven different nightmares all revolving around the trauma of almost starving to death in her last assignment with MSF.

She had seen the mandated therapist in New York. MSF had insisted that she, Shannon and Shelley all see a therapist. Preferably the same therapist, as they thought it might be beneficial to have a few group sessions. It was and they did. It helped but now that she was in a new town without a support system, she was back to nightmares.

The worst nightmare she had was the one where she had been raped and tortured by the attackers and then killed. She felt as though the trauma was real. Her dreams were so realistic. Maybe she should see a therapist. Maybe they could help her. Maybe these nightmares started because she was now working as an associate medical examiner and she was dealing with death every day at work.

She called her therapist in New York and asked for a recommendation for someone she could talk to in San Francisco. The therapist knowing Maura and how she didn't like to share such details offered to continue to see her. They would have to see each other virtually but if that worked for Maura, her therapist would make it work. That would save Maura from having to explain her past trauma to a new therapist. Maura loved the idea and they set up a time for the next day.

Maura tried to remember to think positive thoughts before she went to bed that night. She thought about maybe getting a pet, a cat or dog. A pet that she could look after and sit with in the evening hours before she went to bed. She would talk to her therapist about that idea. Maybe it would help. Maybe she needed to meet people as well. A good friend to share a glass of wine with in the evening was a thought that came to mind. She was so shy, she wasn't sure if that would happen. A cat or dog would be easier. She would just have to make things work, but first she needed to get rid of the nightmares.