A/N: This is the first fanfic I have ever posted. Hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think in the comments. This is set in the FMA:B universe.

I do not own anything related to FMA.

Sometimes, Edward Elric's own mortality caught up with his brain.

It was terribly inconvenient.

Today, it happened just as he was about to jump off the roof of one building and onto a different building, in pursuit of a rogue alchemist who had already killed seven people. On any normal day, that jump would have been perfectly fine. It wouldn't have even crossed his mind. No big deal.

But today, something in him made him stop, just as he was about to jump, and had left him teetering on the edge of the building, staring down at the dizzying drop. He shuffled backward, his breaths suddenly coming in short gasps. There didn't seem to be enough air, even though he was outside.

He clutched his chest and bent over at the waist, staring at the concrete of the building's roof beneath his feet.

Had he really been about to jump over that?

Yes, a small voice in him said. You've done it so many times before, without even thinking about it.

But today, for some inexplicable reason, he had thought about it. And had realized just how dangerous the stunt would have been.

It shouldn't have been enough to make him panic like this. He did it every day. He had done it before, in fact he was fairly certain he had made this exact jump before. It shouldn't have left him bent in half and gasping for air.

But all he could think was danger, danger, danger! His mind was screaming at him, reminding him of his own mortality, and suddenly, everything seemed dangerous. He tried to stand back up straight, but in doing so, caught a glimpse of the drop off which was now only feet in front of him, and remembered that he was on the roof of an eight story building.

He closed his eyes and tried to forget about it. If I can't see it, it can't hurt me. If I just stay right here, and don't move…

But another part of his mind was thinking about the alchemist, the murderer. The one he should be handing over to the MPs to escort to prison right about now. If he could just get over this damned panic, and get on his way, maybe he could catch up with the guy.

But when he thought about standing up, and even walking toward the edge of the roof, let alone running at it with the intention of jumping, the panic settled further into his stomach until he was sure he was going to be sick.

He doubled over further until he was on his knees. He gasped harder for breath, feeling light-headed, like there wasn't enough oxygen in the air. Suddenly he felt a stabbing pain in his heart. His hand clutched the front of his shirt harder, and dug into his chest, trying to get it to go away. What was happening? Was he having a heart attack?

Damn it, if he could just stop thinking about that dizzying drop, the way he had teetered on the edge. Maybe he could get his wits together enough to have a coherent thought, and figure out what to do. As it was it felt as though all the alarms in his head were going berserk, with nothing more solid than DANGER.

He continued gasping for breath, the sides of his vision filling with black, hoping simultaneously that someone would find him and tell him what to do, and that nobody would find him at all. It would be hard to explain why he had frozen up. He could imagine the look on Mustang's face if he found his subordinate doubled over and panicking while the murderer he had been chasing got away. Who needed a state alchemist who couldn't even follow through on a simple pursuit.

He was useless. Who wanted a subordinate who froze up at the first sign of danger? Worse even, one who could sometimes handle it, and sometimes would freeze up completely. That made him useless and unreliable. Besides, he had done this a thousand times. Why this reaction? Why now? What was wrong with him!? His mind was spinning, he couldn't get it under control as thoughts spiraled in and out at an alarming speed. His hands were shaking, he realized, his palms covered in sweat.

Suddenly, he felt a hand at his trembling shoulder, and realized that someone had been speaking. He had totally missed what was said.

He tried to look up to see who it was, but that damned drop was still there, taunting him, and he couldn't look at it without feeling sick, so he looked down again, gasping.

The hand on his shoulder gripped tighter, and this time he heard the voice. "Are you injured?"

He would recognize that voice anywhere, and cold dread dropped into his gut on top of the panic. It was just great that his brain had decided today of all days to absolutely panic in the face of danger. It was even worse that the colonel was here to witness it. Maybe if he pretended he was injured, he could get himself out of this without suspicion from the colonel?

"Fullmetal!" The voice became more insistent.

His mind whirled. What should he say? A million responses flashed through his mind. He could pretend to be injured, but that story would prove itself untrue at the first glance of him when he wasn't doubled over. He could pretend that he couldn't hear the colonel, but what good would that do either of them?

In the end, his mind played a million scenarios, but couldn't find one that wouldn't lead to more trouble, so he opted for the truth. "N-No," he answered simply, between gasps.

"What's wrong?"

Ed almost laughed out loud at that. What was wrong? What wasn't wrong? Everything was wrong. He was Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, the youngest state alchemist in history, one of the most talented alchemists in the world. And he had just been brought to his knees by a little jump? He wasn't supposed to be scared of anything! He'd thought he'd done enough reckless things in his life for his panic receptors to have fried out completely and become useless. Other people were supposed to be afraid of him.

"Fullmetal, look at me!"

The order was so sharp and the voice so perturbed that Ed didn't hesitate to obey. His eyes flashed open, and locked onto Mustang's eyes, trying his best to ignore the drop he could see out of the corner of his eyes. His breaths were still shallow, and his head still felt like it was spinning, but he thought the worst of the panic was over.

Something must have shone through his eyes, though, because Mustang's face changed entirely when their eyes met. What had been a look of concern dropped into realization. Mustang's eyes flicked between Ed and the drop a few feet away, and then he grabbed Ed's other shoulder and physically turned him away so that it wasn't in his field of view.

Ed was grateful that he didn't have to look at that stupid edge any more, but now all there was to look at was Mustang.

"Fullmetal, breathe," he said, slowly. "Deep breaths, long and slow."

Ed tried, his breath hitching several times as he tried to take a long inhale. As he exhaled, the breath suddenly caught around a sob and pushed it out. Edward felt tears accompany that sob as he tried to inhale again, deeply as Mustang had said to.

"That's it," Mustang said, the hands on Ed's shoulders rubbed in slow, comforting circles. "In and out, deep breath in, deep breath out."

Slowly, over the course of the next minute or so, Ed's breathing evened out. The light-headedness from before dissipated, and Ed's mind started to feel clearer. With the clearness came exhaustion. He dropped fully onto his knees, as more tears leaked from his eyes.

"Listen to my voice," Mustang was saying, "It's going to be alright."

Ed felt a sudden heaviness wash over him, and his limbs suddenly seemed like lead. His breathing calmed almost back to normal, and he had stopped shaking. His heart was still beating quick, but not feeling like it would burst from his chest like it had before, and suddenly all he wanted to do was lie down and take a nap.

"Tell me what happened," Mustang said.

Edward sighed. "I was going to jump, to go after him… but… I just… I couldn't." The desperation in that sentence caught even Edward off guard. He felt weak and pathetic, having to admit it out loud, especially to Mustang.

Mustang's eyes suddenly widened, and he looked back over Ed's shoulder at the edge of the roof. "You were going to jump across the gap?"

Ed nodded tiredly, feeling his heart rate slowing down. "I would have, except my stupid brain decided it would be a good time to panic."

There was silence for a minute, as Mustang stared into Edward's face. What he was looking for, Ed had no idea, but the gaze was intense.

"God, I'm so useless," Ed said, maybe if he admitted it first, it would feel less terrible when his commanding officer confirmed it.

"Fullmetal…" there was something unfamiliar in that voice, and Ed was sure he wasn't going to like where that sentence was going, so he interrupted the man again. Maybe if he could just show Mustang how sorry he was, make the man understand that he understood the severity of his mistake, maybe he could be spared the lecture.

"I'm sorry! It's all my fault the guy got away. I've jumped that before, the man did it, I don't know why I couldn't do it this time. I just… I guess I completely overthought it. It won't happen again. I'm sorry!" He closed his eyes and pushed the last two words out with all the force he could muster. Maybe if Mustang saw he was sincere, the repercussions wouldn't be too bad. Ed would take a couple of months of small cases, he'd take mine inspections, anything if it meant they didn't take away his license. After all, a state alchemist who couldn't do his job was useless to the state.

"Fullmetal, look at me!" Mustang snapped.

Ed's eyes darted up, surprised at how forceful Mustang's voice had been.

"You're not in trouble." Mustang said, searching Ed's eyes for something, again. "You're not… hell, kid. I don't even think I could make that jump. We're on the top of an eight story building, for heaven's sake. Any sane person would be terrified to even attempt that. Your job is to do what you can safely do in pursuit of enemies. Not to kill yourself while trying."

The words should have been reassuring, but he couldn't stop the spiral of negativity in his brain. Any sane person… he wasn't any sane person. He thought he had proved that to Mustang already. He was an asset. He wasn't just some kid, just anyone, he could be of help, of use to the military. Besides, he had jumped this gap before, so it didn't matter whether any sane person would or wouldn't have been afraid, it only mattered that Edward shouldn't have been!

"Jeez kid, do you have a death wish?" Mustang was still staring into his eyes, even though he had looked away.

"He… he got away," Edward stammered, instead of answering the question. "It was all my fault! I had him, he was right there, I could almost touch him, and he got away because I wouldn't make some stupid jump that I've done a thousand times!" He let all his resentment and self-hatred boil into that one sentence, trying to make the colonel understand how serious he was. He could feel his breathing speeding up again, as words tried to tumble out of his mouth faster and faster. "I can't…"

"Woah," Mustang said, giving his shoulders a little shake. "Woah, there. Slow down, kid. Deep breaths, no use getting yourself worked up again. Before you go blaming everything on yourself, you might want to know that we got the guy."

Ed stopped talking, and looked back at Mustang. "You… you did?"

"Yeah, Hawkeye and Havoc were waiting for him a few blocks from here. He fell straight into their trap. He's in custody now."

Ed breathed a small sigh of relief, but then his features hardened again. Because it shouldn't have been necessary for Hawkeye and Havoc to get involved. He was the state alchemist. It was his responsibility, his job. No one should have to help him. He should be able to do it alone. "That's good," the words came out tightly.

"I can see that doesn't change how you're feeling about yourself."

Edward shook his head. "It was my job."

Mustang took a deep breath and sighed it out, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fullmetal, there is no "my job" in the military, I thought you would have learned that by now."

"Wha…" The words made no sense.

Mustang's expression softened. "There aren't many things in the military that can be done solo. They all require a team. Missions, inspections, manhunts, nobody is expecting anyone to do anything without help, because it just isn't possible. It's about time that you started learning that. You can't do these things on your own, Fullmetal. And you don't have to. Nobody is expecting that. When things go wrong, it doesn't matter whose fault it is, the only thing that matters is that you come together with your team and figure out next steps."

"But…" Ed tried to counter, but Mustang held up a hand.

"Nope. Listen to me first. There is no time to play the blame game here. Whether your blaming yourself or someone else, the reality is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who did what or who could have done what or any of that. The only thing that matters is what you do next. Trust me, your life's going to get a hell of a lot easier if you can internalize that sentiment."

Edward was quiet, unsure of what to say. The colonel's words made sense. Ed's life certainly would be easier if it were that easy to just move past all the stupid mistakes he'd made. But he wasn't sure how to do that. It seemed that his heart had an iron grip on the feeling that he was guilty. No matter how logic told him otherwise, his heart had yet to believe his mind on that front.

But maybe, what the colonel had said had some merit. Maybe that was a place to start.

Maybe Edward really could internalize that.

It certainly would make his life a hell of a lot easier.

Edward smiled softly, and let Mustang pull him to his feet. "Let's go talk to our rogue alchemist," Mustang said, and the thought brought a savage smile to Edward's face.

"Let's."