Year of The Pearl Penguins

Chapter 1: Actor

What's it called? Pathetic fallacy? I think this is the first time I've ever been conscious of it happening to me. The atmosphere and environment are pretty accurately describing my situation. Grim is a good word for it. Now normally I would hate to see my emotions exposed like this, even if it is just the look of the area around me and the only other person who could possibly interpret it is the only other person in the world right now. And he's not looking at me anyway. But strangely, I'm quite enjoying this parallel, it's making me feel like an actress in some dumb film. I wish.

I've never seen so many stars in my life, it's kind of beautiful to imagine just how many there might possibly be, some are already dead, an illusion of what once was a powerful star from a distant galaxy, now just an afterglow still reaching our lonely planet Earth. I would like to count them, I feel like I have a lot more patience, or maybe I would just like to procrastinate from speaking to Shinji.

The waters are making a gentle crash as the waves of tainted ocean hit the beach before being dragged back out. The cold sand is soft but crispy under me, it's not uncomfortable but being in a tight plugsuit that acts almost as a second skin doesn't help that. I can feel the tears as if they were running down my bare chest, they're not mine though. They're idiot Shinji's. Poor idiot Shinji's.

I've been sat up for a little while now, it's given me time to take in the sight of Rei's massive, white, dead and blank head; it's uglier than the usually unnaturally pretty Rei, at least I don't need to worry about Shinji's attention being on her instead of me anymore. Actually... I shouldn't be thinking like that, Shinji isn't mine, he never has been. I can also see the crucified Eva's that ate me alive not too long ago jutting out of the water in certain places - I try to ignore them as best I can. Finally, I notice the orbit of human souls now a ring to my lonely little planet, somewhat obscuring the view of my lonely little moon.

I crane my neck a little to the right to check on Shinji, purely out of curiosity. He's got his usual school uniform on, the extra length of belt splashed to his side, the rest tucked under his creased shirt, he looks relatively dry compared to me - I wonder how long he was here before I showed up? He's got himself together now I see, he's sat upright, leaning back on one hand while another tenderly touches the cheek I caressed maybe half an hour ago. He's fully serious I notice, there's a look in his eye, he's still processing Instrumentality, alike me, but I realise I can't blame him for trying choke me - I would've too. I want to say something, but my throat stings still and I don't want to embarrass myself by sputtering and choking at the first syllable. So I wait for him to go first, I think that's in my right for him to break the silence anyway.

Maybe an hour passes before I hear sand slipping and crawling over each other under Shinji's shoe. "Asuka, we should move" he suggests, sounding unexpectedly assertive for Shinji, he also neglected to apologise from earlier.

I tilt my head like a dumb dog in an attempt to read his poker face - hopeless. I bow my head slightly and close my eyes in hope to make my fatigue known to him whilst also letting him know I agree with his suggestion.

He takes a few steps closer and offers a hand for me to take. I should take it, I know I should, but I'm not ready quite yet to show any signs of dependency. I blatantly ignore his hand that I just spent about ten seconds staring at in internal conflict before pushing myself up as graceful as a berserking Evangelion. My bandaged arm seems to be working perfectly fine which also makes me realise my left eye is also present behind the bandage I unexplainably received during Instrumentality.

We take off slowly towards the city up a shallow hill of sand that slowly changes to dry grass and dirt, we're parallel but at least two meters apart, walking in synchronisation without meaning to; an after effect of the synch training I guess. Stumbling onto the road, I notice first that the streetlights are dead despite it being late into the night. The moon is unnaturally bright tonight, so I can see perfectly fine anyway. The road is littered with bits of rubble and cracks so none of it looks connected. As we step onto the broken concrete jigsaw, I see that cars are also strewn unnaturally and some seem to have collided ages ago and just kept going until they ran out of energy.

There are a few piles of soggy clothes every now and then, every pile consisting of a single outfit for one person; it doesn't take me long to figure out they're origin, but my mind is too full at the moment to process any kind of grief or sorrow. We're in a primarily residential area, compact houses and straight, narrow roads in both directions, a lot of the houses are covered in rocks and crap from the explosion, a few have caved in roofs which I plan to avoid.

It's a depressing sight, sure, seeing the places you used to protect with your life being deserted and in ruins. But then again, I've never really been a huge fan of people in general, so I'm not too particularly bothered about the lack of the vast majority of the human race.

"We should find some food and water before we do anything else" Shinji says, breaking my thought and making me jump a little bit, I don't think he noticed though, he's focused on scouting the area as we take cautious steps through the crimson luminescent street.

I decided to hum an agreeing sound, but the hoarseness is quite obvious in my tone, I can see Shinji visibly wince at noticing it but doesn't bring it up.

He stops for a second, his eyes checking out the plain white, small house on the left with an ajar door and a pair of jeans and a T-shirt at the doorstep. "I suppose this is as good as any" he comments, not looking at me. He starts walking towards it before turning his head back to check on why I'm not moving with him. I'm staring I realise, I didn't mean to, I shoot him a cold glare and catch up to be parallel again.

Opening the door and holding it for me, Shinji enters first before a stride in afterwards, stepping over the floor jeans. I'm grateful for him holding the door for me obviously, but it doesn't even cross my mind to thank him until I've past him, now I'm feeling a little guilty for not. A long, cosy looking sofa, a glass coffee table dotted with a few coffee stains and a glass of water and a cheap TV present themselves as I enter. The red glow spills in through the large window at the front of the house from outside, so I can see the basic details but nothing specific, not that I need to really.

"Go find some proper clothes to change into if you want, I doubt you want to stay in your plugsuit, I'll check the kitchen for something to eat" grabbing the glass of water from the table, he takes a sip to make sure it's all right I assume before handing it to me, "Here" I assume he's smiling but his back is to the window so he's just a silhouette of a young boy right now; it makes me realise how different he looks now, all serious and confident in his stature and tone. I take a gulp of lukewarm, stale water and feel it caress my parched, choked throat - water has never tasted so good. I contemplate finishing the rest but I can feel Shinji's eyes on it as well, I'm still terribly thirsty though.

My eyes linger on the glass for a little while before I decide I should probably treat Shinji like an equal now, I don't want to give him any more excuses to leave me. I hand him the glass and walk off to cautiously find my way upstairs.

I very slowly crawl up the stairs on all fours and use my hands to feel around due to the decrease in light from the smaller windows that decorate the upstairs of the house. The first door leads to a bathroom, the second to a small cupboard full of what feels like cleaning equipment before the third door finally leading to a bedroom with a decently sized window that gives me a view of Rei's nose in the near distance behind a line of homes. Opening the cupboard, I find some more loose fitting jeans and a couple T-shirts slightly too big for me, clearly this room belonged to a man maybe a couple inches taller than me and a lot of inches wider.

Shinji is rifling through the kitchen as I can mutely hear drawers and cupboards being searched through downstairs so I don't hesitate peeling off my soggy plugsuit, but I know he would never really try to peak anyway. I splash on a set of oversized clothes and some socks, I contemplate taking out the neural connectors, but I like them so I keep them in, I leave my bandages on for now as well. I grab the cover off the bed and the two pillows and head back to the stairs.

When I get back to the main room, Shinji is sat on the sofa with a snack bar in his hand and a a large water bottle. "Here, I found a bunch of these bars", he hands me the water bottle as he points to the coffee tables that's got a few bars on it. "We should find some kind of bag to carry some supplies in the morning. Maybe we should find a shopping district", I nod in his direction but I don't think he can see my face anyway. I drop the blanket and pillows to the floor and grab a bar at random after taking a few swigs of water from the bottle. We eat in silence.

After we've finished eating, I hand Shinji a pillow and he thanks me for it before I drop to the floor on my pillow and pull the blanket over myself. I suppose I wouldn't mind if he joins me, I know the truth now and so does he. I'm not so disgusted by the thought of it anymore, though I feel like I only went through Instrumentality to learn about Shinji, all of my own problems I solved myself in the final fight with the big, ugly Mass Produced Evas. He looks at me for a moment, pillow in hand, and I look back. What are you going to do Shinji?

"Goodnight Asuka" he whispers melancholically before climbing onto the sofa and resting his head down. "See you in the morning."

I let out a little involuntary whimper at the last pleasantry; he's said it to me many times before, but this time is different. I'm really grateful for that reassurance, he'll be here in the morning, I don't have to worry.

I don't cry, my eyes get wet but nothing leaves them before I dry them with my still-slightly-damp arm-bandage, but I'm not sad - I'm happy. Really happy. Shinji really was just an idiot, but it wasn't his fault, I wasn't too warm to him either, but now I know I just can't help but smile, especially knowing he'll be here when I wake up.

I quickly fall into a sleep devoid of any kind of dream. Mama was always there for me. And now Shinji will be.