Quinn found herself up late most nights unable to sleep when she's alone with her thoughts. She lays in bed wide awake thinking about a certain raven haired girl that is constantly driving her crazy. The blonde often felt dumb that she lets the latina get away with mostly everything, dumb love, she thinks to herself. She knows she's being stupid by letting herself fall for a girl who is completely emotionally unavailable but Quinn just can't help herself. She sees a side of Santanas that no one else does, the latina may never admit it and tries to hide it as best she can but Quinn can see right through her. I love being stupid, some people may say it's delusional but she calls it hope. She sighs into her pillow and closes her eyes to dream up a scenario.
She thinks about where they might be in a year, off in college, possibly the same one, maybe they would have an apartment together. Something humble, a one bedroom with big windows to let in lots of natural light. She imagined herself waking up next to a certain brunette every morning and not having to pretend to sleep to get in a few extra cuddles. Quinn thought about the walks they would take by the pier, if they lived by one, maybe they would run into some of Santana's friends and she would introduce her and brag about how amazing she is. "This is my girlfriend, Quinn, she makes me the happiest girl in the world." Santana would say with a big warm smile that would just melt her heart.
Sometimes those thoughts help her fall asleep but tonight they were overshadowed by her constantly conflicted feelings and the mixed signals the latina was always sending her. How is this possibly just casual to her? She was beginning to hate that word but it just replays in her mind over and over in Santana's nonchalant tone. Casual. Casual. Casual. Is it Casual? They have done every sexual activity possible for girls, her mom invited her to her house in Long beach and Santana constantly talks about her to her friends. That's just casual??
Quinn couldn't stop her mind, it just kept making more and more implausible scenarios and it started to become more and more depressing. What am I doing? She was not going to get any sleep like this and though her mom might kill her for leaving in the middle of the night, especially on a school night, She had to go see Santana. She threw on a random hoodie, slipped on her Ugg boots, and quietly made her way downstairs and out the front door. It was dark and chilly, Quinn regretted wearing her pajama shorts instead of some sweats but she just picked up her pace and made it to the oh so familiar house shortly. She could see Santana's light in her room was still on and threw a pebble she found on the ground at her window. It bounced off making a small thunk noise and shortly the brunette was at the window looking down at Quinn with a confused look on her face but she was downstairs opening the door in a matter of seconds.
"Hey babe, come inside, it's cold." The latina let her through and Quinn simply walked into the warm house and waited for Santana to shut and lock the door before they made their way up to her bedroom as quietly as possible to not wake her sleeping parents. "So, is this a booty call or why are you here so late? How did you get past your mother?" She questioned once she secured her door.
"I couldn't sleep." Quinn said solemnly as she slipped off her shoes and jumped into Santana's dark bed sheets. "My mom is asleep and probably won't even realize I left."
"Ok" The brunette dragged out and finally moved from her spot by the door to shut her laptop she had been doing homework on. Then she turned off her lamp that had been illuminating the room and crawled into bed with Quinn, pulling a fuzzy blanket over the both of them, she pulled the blonde into a tight hug and tangled their legs together. She shivered a little at the feel of Quinn's cold skin after just being outside in the middle of the night. "What's up?"
The blonde returned her embrace and put her head in the crook of Santana's neck and was immediately intoxicated by her familiar scent. She just wanted to lay there and be held but she knew if she wanted to get any sleep she had to get this weight off her chest.
"I don't know how long I can keep doing this casual shit." Quinn whispered and she heard the girl sigh above her. "I know Baby, no attachment. It's just so hard when I literally have a drawer of clothes in your dresser, I can't find my favorite bra. I'm pretty sure it's in there. Also why am I always the one on the phone talking down Brittany when she can't deal with lord Tubbington? she's your best friend not mine but I do it for you." The latina stayed silently twirling pieces of Quinn's hair as she ranted, she didn't know what to say. Quinn moved so that they were face to face in the darkness, but Santana still said nothing. "San, I've tried to be the chill girl, I've held my tongue and I have given you space. I really tried to be that girl for you but honestly that's just not me."
Quinn finished her speech and it quite literally felt like a weight was lifted off her chest. She has been holding that in for a while and now that it's out there it's finally out of her hands. The ball is in Santana's court now, all she could do was hope she didn't scare her off. She searched for the other girl's brown eyes but it was difficult with the lack of light.
"I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this, Q but I'm just not ready." Santana exhaled and ran a hand through her hair exasperated. Quinn removed herself from the latinas arms and sat up on her knees facing her. Santana pushed herself up so that she was against her headboard and Quinn could finally see her face being illuminated by the moonlight coming through the window. She was distracted by how her eyes glowed like honey in the light but she could also see how glossy they were and her expression was unreadable. she avoided Quinn's eye contact and crossed her arms over her chest, she had her armor on.
"Not ready for what Santana?" The blonde moved closer to her and took one of her hands, she still wouldn't look at her.
"Relationships just don't work out for me." The brunette muttered and a tear finally fell but she wiped it away quickly. "Everyone I have tried to love has walked away from me and I just can't put myself through that again." She got up abruptly letting go of Quinn's hand and walking into her bathroom. Santana turned on the light and shut the door, standing against it. She couldn't control her emotions, she didn't want Quinn to see her like this. She sat on the floor with her knees up to her chest and her back against the door. Santana had hoped that conversation would never come but nevertheless this was the dejavú moment when they walked out on her. She sobbed lightly, as much as she had tried to protect herself, here she was again or so she thought.
A quiet knock came through the door. "I'm not going anywhere." Quinn was on the other side of the door, looking at the shadow on the floor. "Please come out, San." Santana took a few moments to open the door, she wiped her tears on her long sleeve and stood up. When she opened the door the blonde on the other side threw her arms around her neck, holding her close. Santana melted into her arms and returned the hug wrapping her arms around her slim waist.
"Can we just go to bed now, please?" The brunette breathed out. Quinn stepped back and looked into her puffy eyes and simply nodded. Santana gave her a soft kiss that lasted a couple seconds before she guided them to the bed. Unlike their usual routine of sexual activity at their sleepovers, they just fell asleep in each other's arms.