Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of the witcher. Those are property of Mr Sapkowski and I using Netflix series canon mixed with the books and my twisted version of the lore.

Warnings : Emotional roller-coaster for Geralt. Soft eroticism (that I can manage lol). Mentions of strong past abuses (not detailed).

VikingHeart, thx for your reviews again. You are so lovely !

Note :

I took some more time to write this one because it was hard to balance the geraskier first element with the importance of Yennefer's relation for Geralt. I wanted to create something more fleshed out so we would have more than the skip it / believe it of the series. So I chose to ellipse the things differently. The narration frame is the breakup happening and the fast forward is in between for the evolution of the characters. I hope you will like this change of pace.

Italic are the part of that framing scene and, as usual, the past and internal thoughts of Geralt. The framing parts are clearly delimited with # lines though.

A little sacrifice - Part 1

Feelings

###

She was sad, Geralt could tell. He tried all night to cheer her up. Their last night together was tender. But the morning was a cold shower for him. She gracefully left their bed and sat in her armchair in the corner of their room. The cold light from the outside was filtering through the curtains.

He lifted himself on one elbow and looked at her with concern.

- "Yennefer ?"

- "You know that I love you, my beast."

- "Yes…"

- "I feel good with you."

She smiled sadly and then turned her head toward the window. Her long black hair cascaded over her shoulder, hiding half of her uncovered breast.

- "But ?" He said to force the words out of her. She touched her belly with a delicatessen.

###

The months following the Djinn incident were chaotic for Geralt. His 180° turn about his feelings and how he should consider them had consequences.

First, it kept him away from his witcher family even more. He was still communicating with them through their chat group from time to time but some intense talk with Vesemir had postponed a return to an unknown future. The old man was already very critical about the Child Surprise incident and now to his approach of his feelings after the Djinn. He could understand but the fact that his mentor was rejecting most of his arguments to the tradition was driving him mad.

For other reasons, he developed a long distance relationship with Jaskier too, trying not to repeat the mistakes of his last isolation period. This went quite well but was also very weird. The truth was that he needed that distance more than his friend, but at the same time he was carving the moment they would reunite.

He surprised himself by going back more often on Nomee to see what he was currently doing, or navigating his precious folder of stupid stolen photos. They represented more than ten years of their strange friendship and how he loved Jaskier the most. He wanted to add dozens of new photos to the album.

And… At the same time, there was Yennefer.

###

- "But I will never be a mother with you."

She looked back at him, gathering some courage. She was magnificent and still carried that mysterious aura that he loved. He could tell that she didn't want to pronounce those words and in the back of his head he was silently asking why she had to.

- "My very first love, Istredd, do you remember him ?" He nodded. "He has done some incredible research about the dark monoliths and he is the favorite of Vilgefortz, the new shining star of the council. That places him in a strong position for specific demands…"

Geralt couldn't tell her that he didn't care who those people were and that he wanted her to stop this over contextualisation. He knew that she would soon drop the real thing that would hurt him. This was always the same story.

While she was exposing the social barriers she had to overcome to reach her goal, his mind drifted to a more joyful moment.

Three months in, in his isolation period, their path crossed again. This was an awkward moment in public but they made it better in private. They met in Gor Velen, near Aretuza. He had a mission there. The proximity of the magic school had many effects on the environment. The sewers, especially, were more than often the nest of monstrous infestations.

He had returned from his missions, followed by a persistent sewer fragrance, and met the sorceress at the town house. Yennefer was there with some mages and sorcerers, discussing the aftermath of some experiments with the mayor. They couldn't hide their surprise when he came to talk to her, and a very stiff presentation followed the heavy silence. But the sorceress gave him a note and a rendezvous in a luxurious hotel nearby. As it seemed the tradition already, she asked him to take a bath before they spoke. This time things were more normal. They spoke all night. This was very pleasant. And this was the beginning of a quite strange relationship.

They met several times over the next weeks. Everywhere on the Continent, they seemed to find each other randomly. There was a joyful part to that and a scary one. They tried to focus on the positive aspect of it, ignoring the noise around. Till now it seemed...

###

Geralt was playing all in with this relationship. He was afraid that it wouldn't last. That somehow his mutated nature and witcher conditioning would take everything he was experiencing away. He was so used to shut things down to be able to move forward. And, as he told Jaskier many years ago, he wished he'd remembered things sometimes. This time he wanted to embrace everything he could, even dig in a ruined past.

Yennefer helped him with that. They combined witchers' meditative exercises with chaos induced hypnosis to access that past.

He revived some joyful memories and very hard ones too. And he discovered that the little guy with the bucket on his head was a very normal human boy, with very classical needs and wishes. The thing that hurt him the most was that white knight part of him - like Vesemir was saying - had always been there and at first it was turned toward his mother. He wanted to be strong so he could protect her…

He dried his eyes, refusing to cry over that. Yennefer sat next to him and touched his leg in a supportive and tender gesture.

- "I understand your pain, Geralt. I was older when I was sold to Aretuza for less than a pig. They don't deserve our tears and our hearts."

She was right in a way but they were different. She had the same reaction as Jaskier toward her past. A lot of rejection but they couldn't forget. Him, he had just pieces of his past self left. He wished he could be more angry than that, like them, and less sad.

The changes in him were growing fast and fascinated him while Yennefer and he began to learn each other. They had very different life paths but a lot in common. And those things he recognised in both of them anchored their relationship in something special. His feelings were deepening and soon, she was the other person he needed in his life, despite their sporadic encounters.

But there was an obstacle he did not anticipate : a world separated them.

Yennefer was born in poverty, just like him but, even if they shared a lot, they navigated two opposite aspects of the Continent. He was the beast living in the wild, she was the beauty mistress of politics and she navigated in high society circles. And that came to become an issue.

Where Jaskier had adapted to his world, she wasn't. He had to make the extra mile all the time, to get to her world, a world he really didn't like. But this was not because she couldn't get to him, that was because she didn't want to. Her world was something she kinda wanted to conquer for very personal reasons. Reasons he could understand but reasons he knew would never satisfy. She had to do this and sadly he couldn't be a part of it.

First, the beauty spell used to fix her appearance had a price. This price was her womb and she wanted to become a mother. This was something that even if she could find a cure for, he couldn't fulfill because of his inherent infertility. And secondly, in order to do that she had to climb a lot of social scales to open closed doors. And Geralt wasn't the one who could help her do that. On the contrary…

That was how the first heartbreaks and waves of renewed self-doubting started… This is when he decided to get back to his friend almost full time.

Jaskier welcomed him back with both a lot of heart and a lot of anger. He was taking even harder the pain he felt about this love that seemed doomed and inevitable at the same time. They talked a lot about it. And Geralt began to fully understand what his human friend was experiencing, loving him in a way that couldn't be reciprocated.

But quite quickly, Jaskier had a pretty good idea of how to manage his poor heart. And he gave him some of his best days on the Continent. This was so simple, not falsely sophisticated.

They simply tried to get back to their usual business, in the most organic way. Jaskier was very popular and known across the Continent and liked the comfort of luxury but he could be the same guy he met in Posada and followed him relentlessly. The program was simple. Hit the roads. Find hunts. Sleep outside. They were getting hurt sometimes but were laughing an awful lot. They were speaking for hours, their heads turned toward the sky.

Jaskier had always been a seductor, but to Geralt this was when things were blurry in his mind. When they simply were sitting there in the middle of nowhere, and Jaskier was speaking about astronomy or whatever he learnt in Oxenfurt, with the light of the fire between them and the beauty of the universe above. In those moments he could be emotional over him and looking at him with different eyes.

He never felt again the surge he experienced in the Passiflora but there was an ambiguity.

He discovered later that he was indeed attracted to men also but in a very different way than women. And amongst them, Jaskier had a very special place. He was a soul mate.

And the plan worked for a part. Jaskier was stabilizing his emotions, finding words to explain his deepest feelings, trying to remove his barriers of self loathing that were rising every time Yennefer was pushing through her world and he couldn't follow. And the hunts and the life in the wild were making everything better.

During this time, Geralt made many more steps toward acceptance and open-mindedness. From the growling man stating that witcher couldn't love and feel to what he was today. He was working hard on this because, even if he wanted to experience it, something about those feelings he said in the past was still true. This was a weakness. And he needed to find new boundaries to continue to exist as a witcher as well.

###

- "Vilgefortz knows some people that could help me restore my womb. He is very influent and I need to reach him."

- "What does it have anything to do with me ?"

- "Everything… I can't stay with you, or more precisely you can't stay with me…"

- "What ?"

- "This stupid arse who sings about you is making it too obvious to the masses that we are together ?"

- "And ?"

- "And I can't ascend in the mage circle with a witcher as my lover ?"

- "Why not ?" Geralt's heart was twisting in his chest painfully.

- "My beast, don't make it harder than it is. I have to do this or I will regret it."

He sat in the bed, letting the sheet slide on his body, revealing his scarred pale skin. She looked at him with the kind of eyes he didn't like but had learnt to deal with. With her this was not disgust but a judgement of his appearance. She was sliding in a mental place that hurt him more than simple rejection. She was beginning to see what the other disliked about him like it was the real problem.

###

He had learnt to enjoy his own vulnerability when he was with Yennefer or Jaskier. They both held in their hands some of his deepest truths.

He had learnt to feel good when he was losing control during the incredible nights he was sharing with the sorceress. Because she was the only one that could handle him when he was like that. She was equally passionate, savage, loving and tender. With her, he was the one he couldn't be with anyone else. With him, she was the one her world couldn't accept. And it felt so good.

He had learnt to let go with Jaskier for the rest. Because he was the only one that could understand him and was accepting him as he was as a whole. The monster, the child, and the man. He didn't have to try to fit in. He could be weird, scary or whatever people were seeing him as. Jaskier always saw the real him underneath.

###

After the mental regressions he tried with Yennefer to reach his lost memories, he had many discussions with Jaskier about childhood. And he told him what Tellico said about them a long time ago.

They tried many things, on those magnificent nights in the wild. They pushed against their natural instincts to hide painful truths and told each other about their child traumas, rediscovering themselves.

It appears to Geralt that the wounds were worse than he anticipated for both of them. He opened up about his witcher training that was a succession of hardcore experiences, only saved by the family element. Vesemir was very hard on them but he was also extremely protective and offered them everything they needed to survive with an underlying and unsaid fatherly love.

He told his friends secrets he never should reveal. Vesemir would certainly have a heart attack if he'd known. But it felt natural and necessary.

Following his example, Jaskier opened up about Julian in return. Geralt began to truly hate his father when he learnt what he went through all his life. From the psychological abuses to the physical ones that almost killed him terrifyingly more than once, and the fact that he had nowhere to find protection at all. Julian wasn't safe at home. He wasn't safe at school.

Geralt couldn't understand how Jaskier was so capable of love after that but this was a blessing that he could.

They discovered also, through those discussions, why he wasn't capable of fighting. Geralt had tried sometimes to teach his friend hand on hand combat and some fencing movements. Jaskier was quite strong and athletic but it never worked. It appeared that the defense mechanisms Julian developed were all in favor of the flight and wit. Fighting back was what led to the most gruesome punishments he received. And he was almost paralyzed with fear when holding a sword or trying to inflict pain on another being. The only exception was when he - Geralt - was in deadly danger. The basilic incident was one good example.

So they focused on his strengths and they invented some coordinated strategies for him to transgress the last barrier : coming to the hunts. Again Vesemir would not approve at all and they were clearly playing with fire there but this was their liberating phase.

For these years, Jaskier produced some of his most successful songs to date. The tales of the White Wolf became legendary. He never revealed any of the secrets he was told but he gave to the public a new highlight about witchers, in a more emotional way. And they asked for more. Geralt didn't care about that much but he liked the songs too. And during that time, Jaskier's Nomee was growing with new pictures of them, the most iconic duo of the Continent. This was the content fans were carving for. To Geralt, those were souvenirs he cherished.

But sadly, this couldn't continue that way…

###

The problem didn't come from the explosive relation Yennefer and Jaskier had but it came because of them.

His two loves didn't meet often. The rare experiences were both insufferable and hilarious. Yennefer was rarely out there, in the wild, so they met mostly in big cities, during events, etc. Events where Jaskier happened to be more and more invited too. Geralt tried to avoid those but he couldn't pass an opportunity to see the sorceress.

It was like having both a cat and a dog in a confined space. Jaskier was the dog, overprotective and barking. Yennefer the cat, hissing and biting. They had an infinite imagination for annoying one another and their banter was extraordinary. But the root core of the problem wasn't that.

The problem was more global and specific at the same time. Jaskier's songs and the multiplication of his rendezvous with Yennefer led to two devastating things, nursing in the growing hatred for non-humans around the Continent. And that world that separated them on the surface became an obstacle.

Dating a mutant was putting her career in jeopardy, even if he was that White Wolf people was considering with more respect than any other witchers. He was dragging her down, bringing a lack of sophistication in the eyes of the public. A sorceress couldn't want a beast in her bed, even less in her heart. A sorceress had to aim at the nobles or the men in power.

And she had chosen the one who would take his place, before he even had a voice to the chapter. Why would he even fight ?

###

- "That is so funny that you said that. This is the same thing I told myself when I chose to pursue this relationship with you. I had to try to love because I would regret not experiencing it." He said dryly.

- "I know what it means to you."

- "Oh no you don't, I assure you. Everything you're doing now proves it. But I see and understand your objective…"

- "Listen Geralt, life isn't really fair, and you know that more than anyone else. I need this in my life." He hand caressed absently her belly.

- "The thing that hurts the most is that you finally believe in their lies, and your my beast isn't affectionate anymore. This is your truth too. I rejected the sole idea of having feelings because I was formatted to think that way, to survive. You change because you had no choice, to survive. We became more than what they wanted us to be."

- "So you believe I shouldn't try to have a child ?" She was angry now.

- "No, I believe that playing their games is probably the worst thing to do to get what you want ?"

- "I have tried so many things, Geralt. There are not that many ways."

- "So you are telling me that I have no other option than to go because you said so. This isn't even my fault. I did nothing wrong there but to exist. I am just an inconvenience. You are telling me those words but did you really love me in some way ? Have you ever loved me ? I wonder…"

She didn't reply. And that silence was as painful as an ice shard stabbing through his heart.

- "I thought I was safe with you. I put my heart in your hands... And Istredd is the one you chose over me to satisfy the superficiality of society ?" He scoffed. "The one that betrayed you for the council that oppressed you for so long. And now you are so eager to reach them. I never liked your world, full of lies and deceit. But at least I believed in you… because you were different. I thought I had you."

- "I am not a thing to possess."

- "Nor I am a toy to play with."

- "I'm sorry Geralt…"

This was a clear, even if polite, signal to ask him to stop. And he did.

He got on his feet, his heart so heavy in his chest. He took his clothes and dressed in the corridor. She was standing in the doorway of their room, looking at him. He could feel her gaze on his back. He heard her last words whispered as he opened the front door of the apartment.

- "You are the one I will always love, my beast. I swear."

And it broke his heart even more. He stepped out on the cold and pale winter day and walked straight ahead to nowhere.

Notes :

I hope you like it. I try to have a Yennefer more in between the books and the show. I keep the motherhood focus element of the series but the more intricated in politics and society place she has of the books. Also I try to push the growing racism of the Continent with the impact of Yennefer's choice on Geralt's life.

I tried to get the Istredd from the show too because I will need him later and I like their dynamic.

The next chapter will go to the "original" story "A little sacrifice". I don't care about whatever they will do in their spin of because my general story will be different from the book anyway. I hope that this one would help to understand things that I have setup there, especially for Yennefer.

See you soon !