Chapter 4

'Drive me there, please, please, please, Sister.'

'Take a taxi,' she offers a third solution then turns her head the other way, away from her sister.

Any good that does, she notes as soon as she feels some weight climb over her sleep-filled body onto the side her head is facing. From the soft rustling hear her head, her sister must've lain her head down, facing her.

'I want you to take me,' her sister carries on saying. 'Isn't that what sisters are for?'

Ag, this is why she sometimes spends the weekend nights at her office. At least there, she can sleep in peace, even ignoring the ringing of her phone until she feels ready to wake up. It's not like here at home, where her sister is only a door away and her parents can easily climb up the stairs to speak to her whenever they want.

'Inci...' she groggily gets out, already surrendered to the fact that she can't avoid her sister by looking the other way. 'Let me sleep for God's sake. I'll ask Engin to drive you, if you want.'

'I want you to take me,' Inci cries in a whiny tone. 'I only want you, Sister.'

Following that, before she even has a chance to protest why she doesn't want to leave her bed, a loud kiss lands on her exposed cheek, lightly tickling her.

'Mhm-mhm, Inci...' she both warns and complains; she just wants to stay in bed, especially this morning.

As a response, another kiss lands on her forehead, followed by a soft, mischievous laugh, and then another kiss on her cheek, louder and bigger this time, and then she's left with no choice but to open her eyes and lift her head off the pillow.

'Please drive me there,' Inci tries to convince her again, adding smile sweet enough to convince even the hardest of hearts to do anything for her.

Sometimes, she struggles with whether or not to have a case against God for giving her such a weakness as her sweet little Inci. It's just not fair how she can ever deny her sister anything after she's seen those big manipulative eyes.

'Where is it?' she resigns, flinging her covers back as she's already given up on staying in bed.

26Chapters

Normally, she would have a conversation with Inci as they drive, and if not that, they'd be singing along to their favourite songs, but this morning, she's missing her bed too much to really commit to anything else. On the bright side, Inci doesn't appear to care at all, as she's too busy smiling at something at her phone, completely oblivious to what isn't happening around her.

It's a good thing, she reasons, because in the silence, she can hear herself think. She wants to think about nothing and everything at the same time, like if she's fulfilled with her current life – that's everything, and what they'll probably have for lunch at home - that's nothing. She might as well occupy her mind with something until she can get back home and into bed.

Eventually, through comfortable quiet and steady driving, they arrive at the place, an open area of a guest house in a secluded area. From what she heard, this place is usually rented for events like weddings, so no wonder they came here. They must be financially well-off to afford something like this; good for them. Or actually... Now she's curious to see how it looks like inside, see the couple and how they prepared for their big day. Suddenly, she turns to her sister, making the decision on the spot.

'I want to look inside,' she tells Inci. 'I wonder how the couple looks like.'

'Okay,' her sister shrugs, not bothered. 'You can stay if you want, I don't think they'll mind one more person, but I promised my friend that we would meet after the ceremony. I'll be going out with him and our other friends.'

'Excuse me, why couldn't your friends pick you up from home?' she expresses her distaste. 'You made me drive you here when you had other options.'

'But I wanted you to bring me,' she says in her especially manipulative whine. 'Besides, Dad will believe it if you tell him that I came to a wedding. He's always so suspicious of me,' Inci ends with a frown.

'You used me,' she realises.

'I love and trust only you, my beautiful, most wonderful sister,' her sister quickly counters like she's correcting her, throwing in a light kiss on her cheek too before opening the door. 'Come on, let's go. I'll introduce you to my friend, if you want. He'll be in the front row with his family.'

She'll truly never win any petty fight against her sister - all Inci ever has to do is smile, then give her a bribing kiss and everything is forgiven and forgotten.

'You go,' she refuses, 'I'll sit at the back, so I can leave without disturbing the ceremony. Enjoy yourself.'

'Okay, see you.'

'See you,' she waves at her sister who just stepped out and closed the door, then unbuckles her seatbelt to leave as well.

There's no hurry to get to inside the place, so she leisurely looks around the place, taking mental notes of everything. It's a habit from her profession that she can't easily get rid of, but in her own defence, one never knows when they might need certain information to help them in a case. Everything is lovely, though, she must admit. The decoration details are very precise and obviously chosen with care and time. It's nothing close to her style, but it really looks beautiful. Whoever chose it really wanted a beautiful wedding, which can only mean that they couple is in perfect love.

Oooh, she can't wait to see the happy couple!

She's looking forward to seeing them walk down the carpet lain out inside the white tent. She wants to see their happy smiles as their friends and family stand around, silently supporting their unity. Most of all, she can't wait to see the bride's dress. As a woman who's very interested in clothes (not fashion necessarily), she loves to see how other people put their clothes together on their special days. As for herself, however, she looks totally out of place compared to everyone else. From where she stands, they all look formal and well-groomed whereas she just pulled on a jersey, a pair of jeans and barely ran her hands through her hair. It doesn't matter anyway, she's only here to see the couple and then she'll leave to get back into bed.

She'd rather be back in bed than at a wedding, when she will probably never will get married anyway. She could've been married twice in her life, and both times, she loved people who couldn't love her as she needed. Firat was exactly what she needed at that time in her life, but he had to leave for work, and that added onto the fact that her father was in prison, she couldn't handle another absence. Cüneyt turned out to betray her, and after that she just didn't care about finding love anymore. So, she guesses that she will never get married. In the meantime, though, she'll maybe attend other people's weddings.

She's so lost in thought that she doesn't immediately notice the couple walking in until the people in front of her start rising while looking back. With an excited smile, she also gets up and turns to lead the couple down the red carpet with her eyes, but laying her eyes on the man who is walking down the carpet, world stops for her. Suddenly, she's stuck in place, unable to do anything else but watch the couple slowly continue down the carpet.

This can't be happening.

Those people, that couple, they're… The woman is a judge who just transferred to Istanbul, their court specifically, about a month ago, and the man is a prosecutor who she vaguely used to catch sight of in the court, but never interacted with. All in all, she didn't know about those people until her very explicit dream this morning. What's even more impossible to believe, the thing that's making her feel crazy inside her heart, is how impossibly shattered she feels to see him walking down the carpet, holding hands with his wife-to-be.

Please, this can't be happening.

He's her husband, he loves her, not Neva.

Looking handsome in his black suit, wearing a pleasant enough smile, everything about him floods her memory with no mercy. The heartache with him, the intricate heartbreak over their separations, his touch, the losses, the feeling of being in his arms, their daughter, their third pregnancy, their first wedding anniversary, the way that he looked at her, their whole life together... Everything, every single detail is engraved into her mind, into her skin and safely guarded by her very soul, from his kisses, to the comfort that his presence brought her, the security of his existence, whenever he told her that he loved her…

But now he's really there, going to marry to Neva as if she didn't have a very explicit dream of their whole story together. How can she just stand here watching them and pretend that she doesn't feel what she feels? It's like her feelings had been at rest until they saw his face then decided to flare up.

With a love burning so strongly in her body, she can't just let him marry another woman; she'll go after him. It was different when she thought that everything was just a dream, and she only wanted to stay in bed to enjoy all the details and happiness from the dream, but seeing him, her mind, body and soul are reacting to him as they would in the dream, so she can't just ignore it. At the very least, she needs to confirm that he's real, and that she's not just having a dream inside a dream. What if she's not awake yet?

They don't seem to notice her following behind them, but as they reach the front, passing the first row of seats, she hears a desperate, 'Sister!' which she almost ignores if not for the staggering fact that the couple climbs up the two steps to the raised platform. Is it real that they're actually moving up there to commit their lives to one another in less than ten minutes of a ceremony? That's what makes her look in the direction of her sister's voice, to find Inci signalling for her to go over there, but again, seeing the faces that surround Inci, she cannot move.

Inci is standing next to Çinar. Well, now they are all starting to sit. There is young Defne on Çinar's other side, and Makbule and Father Metin after Defne. Only Grandfather Metin is absent, because maybe he's not in their lives yet. But then again, if Ilgaz hadn't been bent on helping her find his Inci's killer in her dream, the connection with his grandfather wouldn't have been opened. Thinking about Ilgaz, she turns back to the stage, and there are Pars and Eren, the witnesses, and the judge... Melek...

She knows every one of those people, but they don't know about her at all. She wonders if Eren already knows that he has a daughter. She doubts it, because without Eren being connected to her, Engin wouldn't have bothered to mess with him. And Pars... It feels so good to see him after so many years of not. Does he have a genuine friendship with Ilgaz yet, or are they just connected by Neva? And Neva... She fixes her eyes on the woman about to become Ilgaz's wife, and her heart begins to ache. He and Neva are now facing each other, holding their hands between them. They are few yeses from being husband and wife, and if that happens…

No, please, she can't take it.

She knows that they could eventually divorce, making him free again, but she wants to be his only wife in this life. If it means that they will get married three, even six times, she wants to be the one that can ever say that she was his wife. Allowing him to get married to someone else, when she knows how to be his only wife for years, isn't something that she will just stand by and witness. The cautionary, 'Ilgaz,' that leaves her mouth is the consequence of that thought, and to be honest, she doesn't understand how naturally his name sounded to her own ears.

Except for in her dream, she never before said his name, so why the ease now? Granted that in her dream, whenever she said his name, he gave her his full attention, she didn't necessarily want him to spin his head her way as if someone shocked him, more than she just wanted him to see that she is here, and if knowing that would do something to him. Very quickly into locking eyes with him, the distance between disappears and she feels the closest to him as if he was standing right in front of her.

That's a surprise; she wasn't ready to see his face change so suddenly, followed by him releasing Neva's hands, muttering a quick, 'One moment, Neva,' and stepping down from the stage. She at least expected him to ask what she wants, not this display and the murmurs coming from the people in the seats. Not that she is complaining, much less when he comes to her and the scent that is uniquely him hits her every sense, awakening some butterflies in her stomach.

Why can't she just throw her arms around him to properly take in his scent again? Apart from the fact that he is getting married, of course.

'Who are you?' he asks with a very intense yet curious stare.

'I'm Ceylin Erguvan,' she introduces to his waiting stare, also sticking out his hand for him. 'I'm a lawyer.'

That appears to be enough for him to take her hand into his and grasp it firmly. Besides look at her with interest, he doesn't do anything else, not let go of her hand or ask her to explain herself. It's unlike him (as she knows him from her dream) to wonder in silence without questions for clarity, yet he is quiet.

'Do you want to get tea with me maybe?' she jokes just to poke a few words from him. 'I realise that I could've asked at a better time, but I didn't know until I saw you.'

Finally, his face breaks into a frown as he, 'You interrupted my wedding,' and looks at her like he doesn't understand the kind of person that she is.

'I can't deny that, dear prosecutor,' she replies with a soft laugh. 'There's clear evidence, but I've never done this before, just so you know. I don't just go around asking other people's grooms to have tea with me. But it also can't be that serious if you left your bride up there to talk to me.'

While she did try to sound light-hearted about the last part, there is a truth to it. The ideal thing to have done would've been to come down with Neva, and then not keep holding her hand. It's no wonder that from the side of her eye, she can see Neva coming to them – even she seems to understand that he shouldn't have just left her there by herself.

'What's going on, Ilgaz?' Neva touches his shoulder, completely ignoring her. 'Who is this? What does she want? Everyone is staring.'

As if cued by Neva's statement, someone from nearby makes a huffing sound, and with Ilgaz's attention turning to Neva, she takes a look that way. Immediately, she regrets it, because seeing Makbule standing up and giving her a death stare only makes her want to giggle; the woman will never, ever, ever like her now.

'She is a lawyer,' Ilgaz answers, fortunately redirecting her attention and stopping an inappropriate reaction.

'You're not working today,' Neva reminds him. 'We're not working today. We're getting married.'

Well, they better not get married, she thinks, watching Neva staring at him as if she's trying to convince him with her eyes. Everything about their relationship is just so wrong to her. She just knows it in her heart that Neva is the right one to love him and give him affection, she is. It feels like even he is starting to doubt their relationship with his silence.

'Miss...' Neva turns to her, her impatience showing, 'please be respectful of our day. Whatever you have to say to him, it can wait.'

Ha! He isn't even being respectful of their day. All the signs are there, and if Neva's specifically ignoring the fact that their hands are still grasping each other's, she's a better person than she is. She never would've kept a straight face at another woman grasping her soon-to-be husband's hand. Even in her dream when they were divorced and he was around Nil, she found it hard to keep patience whenever she saw them together, so how much more in a situation like this?

Thinking like that, she looks from Neva to Ilgaz, and then lingers on him to see what he will do to appease Neva. Her interest is more to compare how she knows he would've handled an interruption like this in her dream and how much he apparently values his relationship with Neva. His reaction will determine that for her, so when he looks from Neva to her and their eyes meet, she instantly gets her answer. There was a part in her dream where he told her that as soon as he saw her eyes, he knew that he would die with love for her, and to God, if his stare, his expression doesn't say that he will bear every consequence to hear her fully story, she will tear up her law diploma to become a singer instead.

'We're getting married, Ilgaz,' tries to redirect his attention back, but he doesn't look her way. 'You can talk to her after, not now.'

Oh, that feels like a slap on her cheek.

She doesn't want the image of him getting married first and then only coming to listen to her story.

She can't just let it happen, can she?

'Ilgaz...' she weakly pleads, hoping to everything that he will understand her request.

She sees him swallow, appearing torn and hesitant, and then looks at Neva, uttering a soft, 'Neva...' just before releasing her hand to reach out for Neva's arm.

It's madness how painful it is that he let go of her hand. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or not, she only knows that he made his choice and maybe she's just a selfish person who wants to drag him into her chaotic life.

She better go, she tells herself, swallowing the words, 'I'm sorry,' before she can say them. Turning around and shutting everyone and their voices out, with tears stinging her eyes, she begins to walk away from the couple. She's not resigning, she's just… Maybe this is all a dream within a dream and she will wake up soon. After all, how can she want someone that she only knows from a dream?

26Chapters

It can only be Inci. It can only be Inci. It can only be Inci.

She repeats the same words over and over on her way to the door. Half awake, barely rested from all the tossing and turning that she did in her office sofa last night, and just not in the spirit to explain herself to Inci, she prepares the best response for her sister to leave her alone until she gets over it. Swinging the door back, however, and not immediately hearing her sister's voice say something to her, she perks up with curious attention.

'Ilgaz!' she gasps, simply surprised by him standing in her doorway, dressed in casual clothes and just there in front of her.

'Good afternoon,' he calmly greets as if unfazed by her reaction.

It's afternoon, right! She's maybe dreaming about him again, so she needs to know, 'What are you doing here?'

'You say my name like you know me,' he answers with a soft shrug. 'It fascinates me more than you can imagine. I couldn't sleep all night thinking about it. I kept seeing your eyes and the way that you called me. Do you know me?'

Because she can't immediately get her mind away from the fact that he's here, at her office on the afternoon that he is supposed to be married, she laughs to lighten the mood before asking exactly what's on her mind.

'You're not on your honeymoon?'

'No.'

His answer is a mirror of the expression on his face, deadpanned and serious, and so very prosecutor-like, very concluding-an-interrogation-with-no-room for questions. Either he doesn't feel that torn about his broken relationship, or he's more interested in figuring out her story. Whatever it is, it makes her curious about his overall feelings on everything.

'Come in,' she finally invites him, pulling the door back just enough to let him in.

As soon as he steps inside, he uses his elbow to shut the door behind him, and then asks her, 'Why did you interrupt my wedding?'

It's because he doesn't sound accusatory, rather intrigued that she easily shrugs, deciding to tell him the truth regardless of how he will take it.

'I had a dream,' she calmly says. 'That's where I know you from. We got married three times and divorced twice,' she lightly laughs at that. 'Everything bad that can happen happened while we were married. The first divorce was because you wanted it, and the second divorce was because of me. We sometimes fought over cases;' the memory makes her smile with genuine fondness from the heart. 'I acted like a lawyer, protecting my clients, and you were always a prosecutor looking for the guilty person, but it was so great when we worked together. And with Eren. He's… I loved Eren so much in my dream. And Pars…'

Remembering Pars and how much he helped them when he had all the reason not to, and then the friendship that arose from that, is not as fond as it should be, it's actually painful.

'We lost so many people, Ilgaz,' she laments. 'So many bad things happened. It was always one thing after another, but we always loved each other. If there was anything safe and secure in my life, it was our love in my dream. I'm not even a romantic person, you know, but it was the first time that I ever felt like I mattered, and I was worthy of love. You proved that to me.'

Come to think of it, maybe she is more romantic than she thought , because why else would she be so sure of a dream? Or why else would she look into his eyes and feel open enough to confess all this to him? Maybe it's the quiet patience that he is showing her.

'I really didn't want to ruin your wedding,' she continues, 'but when I saw you, I couldn't keep quiet. I'm a little problematic like that, just so you know. I'm outspoken and I like to grab the moment without thinking about the consequences. It's part of the reason that you fell in love with me. Apart from my beautiful face, of course.'

It was really her eyes, but it wouldn't be fair to influence him to regard that specific detail about her. He's mentioned them already, but seeing as she has the advantage on their relationship, she will have to allow him to discover and fixate on some things on his own. Which is just as well, because he pulls a shocked face, like she said something that he didn't expect to hear.

'I'm joking about my face,' she tries to lighten the air, except that it changes nothing on his face.

'You are very beautiful,' he states matter-of-factly. 'You have eyes that would drive any man crazy. I have a lot of self-control, but something about you just pulls me to you. This has never happened to me before.'

He's telling her. Normally, she wouldn't pay attention to any man, and yet one look at him ignited something profound in her - something that has also never happened to her.

'I didn't know anything about you before yesterday,' she starts to explain her side. 'I'd hear of you as a prosecutor, but I never paid attention to you. You were just one more prosecutor in the court to me. I didn't even care if you had a wife or not.'

'I was engaged,' he corrects.

'You were engaged in my dream too,' she laughs more at the similar pattern than anything else, 'but you broke it off with Neva before we formally began working on a case together. The difference now is that I know all these people that I shouldn't. Your sister Defne, your grandfather Merdan, your friend Iclal and I even know your first love. Do you believe in fate?'

'I believe in everything happening as it's supposed to,' comes his even answer. 'I didn't grow up religious, but I do believe in an order of life. I don't believe that your sister dragging you to my wedding was a coincidence.'

'You spoke to Inci?' she questions, that part being a surprise to her.

Of course, she didn't stay around long enough to see what would happen, and she knew to turn off her phone so that no one could contact her, but she didn't consider that her sister would be questioned for her actions.

'Everyone wanted answers,' he replies with a shrug, 'and the outcome wasn't pleasant.'

As much as it was her fault that everything stopped, she doesn't care about the outcome, so she says, 'I didn't even know that Inci was friends with your brother. I only know one friend of hers, Merve,' to shift away from it.

'It doesn't matter who my brother knew,' he answers, shaking his head. 'The result is that I didn't get married in the end. I wanted to get married, because I wanted a wife and a family of my own. More than anything, I want to be a father and to create a home, but I have no wife for that. What do we do now?'

He doesn't need to say the words, 'If I really wanted to marry Neva, I would've,' to prove that he hadn't been fully invested in Neva as much as he had been in the idea of his own family and his own children to love. Neither does he need to spell out what she's going to do about the disruption that she caused.

'Ilgaz, look,' she carefully manages her tone to a balance between serious and cautionary. 'I'm a difficult person, I attract problems, I don't follow rules, I'm very passionate in my anger, and I will drive you crazy, believe me. There was a time in my dream when you had to pretend that you died, and you made me believe it. It was the most awful thing in the world, Ilgaz. I never want to feel like that in my life again, but even at the risk of things happening the same way as they did in my dream, I still want to have what we had. If you're willing to try, if you want, then yes, let's get married. We can have our own family, and if we can't handle it, we always have the option of divorce.'

If he is surprised, if he has no words, if he's considering her straightforward and daring solution, or if he's wondering what he got himself into, are all things that she can't read on his face, and his silence only makes it less clear for her.

'Am I crazy?' she asks him then – seeing as she just said too much, practically offering to be his wife, only for him to look at her, saying nothing, she wants to know what he's thinking.

'You are unlike anyone that I have ever met,' he finally replies. 'I might also be crazy for leaving my girlfriend of five years because I was fascinated by you, so I don't know if I can call you crazy without doing the same to myself.'

'Okay,' she both smiles and accepts his answer; it's okay, his order of life was turned on his head, so he doesn't need to have all the right answers yet - as long as he is here, that means something. 'So, can I make us tea?'

'Okay,' he agrees, that way giving her the freedom to fully be herself and gesture for him to follow her as she starts to move away from the short corridor, where three steps out of the corridor, she realises her mistake, stops and turns back to him.

'Actually, I don't have tea,' she says, pulling one corner of her lips back to demonstrate her silliness. 'I have water from the tap. I don't really keep food here. Maybe I should start stocking the fridge. I spend a lot of time here. I sometimes sleep here, so maybe I should get a bed as well. I could turn one of the rooms into a bedroom. No, that's a bad idea,' she shakes her head at the image, 'because then whenever we fight, I'll come running to sleep here instead of sleeping with you. Never mind, I won't get a bed. But I will definitely get a heater. It gets really cold in the -'

She suddenly stops talking when she notices how deeply she immersed into her thoughts, leaving him with only the option to listen to and watch her in a pensive way. Did she even hear if he wanted to have water or not?

'Ilgaz, do you want water?' she asks him again.

With a smile, he answers, 'Okay,' but neither his smile nor answer convince her.

'If you don't want water, we can go out for pilaf with peppers,' she suggests. 'I love that, by the way. Should we go out rather? I'm hungry.'

'I was actually thinking...' is his measured response. 'I have a week off from work, and if you want, if you're not too busy, I have a caravan, and we -'

'Yes,' she hungrily agrees without a second thought. 'I want to.'

Yes, yes, yes! She loves it when he spontaneously makes decisions like this, she loves how he can break character for her sake, and she loves the idea of them going anywhere they want in his caravan.

'Okay,' he seems to take in, although he doesn't look all that surprised that she agreed.

On the other hand, she guesses that needing an escape from everyone after calling off his wedding, he counted on her getting away with him to clear up everything. In that case, she's not going to let him drown in the aftermath of what she ultimately caused to happen.

'I'll collect my clothes and then we can leave,' she tells him, immediately rushing off into the room with her spare things to give him some time alone with his thoughts - knowing him, he will need the few minutes to organise everything in his head just as she needs a minute alone to catch up with the exciting new turn that her life just took.