A/N: Did I bring in Garland and Kat and the OCCB team a few years early? Yes, yes I did.

March 2, 2016

The best part about having an office, Olivia decided as she unzipped her pants and freed her belly with a sigh of relief, was having a goddamn door.

She still hadn't told them. Fin, Amanda, Carisi, Kat; she still hadn't told them she was pregnant, and she was still trying to fit into her old clothes, still trying to convince herself she wasn't really showing. It was all coming to a head today, though; she couldn't bear it, anymore. Her pants didn't fucking fit - and neither did her bra - and the time had come to admit defeat. They were all going to find out eventually, and there was no point in denying it any longer.

Probably they'd be happy for her. In many ways the squad was her family, and they'd all been so happy when she came home, and they'd be happy now, too. There was no reason to be apprehensive about their reactions - if nothing else, she was their boss and they all knew better than to get on her bad side - but she was, still. Apprehensive. Just a little, just because she knew the first question they'd all want to ask when they learned the truth.

Who's the father?

Her baby's father was a good man, a kind man, but he was also a married man, and she was loath to admit what she had done. How weak she'd been. All those years she'd spent working side-by-side with Elliot she'd been so good, had toed the line and sent him home to his family and never, not even once, tried to take him from them, but a few months in Omaha had shattered her defenses, left her vulnerable and heartbroken.

She leaned back in her chair, closed her eyes and ran her hand over the swell of her belly, thinking about Omaha, and Elliot, and asking herself what the fuck am I gonna do next?

It had been easy enough, avoiding the question of Elliot for the last month or so. Work had been so busy, and no one knew she was pregnant - no one but Garland, who was not a gossip - but they were about to find out. Pretty soon everyone was going to be able to tell that she was pregnant just by looking at her, and word might get back to Elliot at OCCB. That couldn't happen; she couldn't let him hear about the baby from someone else.

The right thing to do, she knew, the only thing to do, was to tell him herself. The therapist in Albuquerque had been right about that; he deserved to know about his child. Especially now, now that they were living in the same city, working on the same police force, without the rules and regulations of WitSec to keep them apart. Elliot loved his children fiercely, and she knew this one would be no different; he would love their baby, with every part of himself.

But love alone was not enough.

She'd left him in Omaha, walked out on him without a word just as he had done to her, and she'd done it for precisely the same reasons; she'd left without a word because she'd been too afraid of what might happen if she gave him the chance to change her mind. She'd left him because she wasn't sure she could live with herself, knowing that Elliot had left Kathy and Eli for her. He could protest all he wanted, swear up and down that he and Kathy were already on the outs, that their divorce would've happened anyway, but Olivia wasn't sure she believed him, couldn't shake the shame and the guilt of it. If she'd been just a little bit stronger, if she hadn't let him touch her, would Elliot have ever even dreamed of leaving Kathy? That day at the doctor's office Olivia had seen Kathy's face, and she'd seen the hurt and recrimination there, and she was not ever going to forget it.

They were a family, Elliot and Kathy and all their children, and Olivia - and her baby - weren't anything at all. Not really. An inconvenience, perhaps, a reminder of the stupid decisions he'd made while he was out of his mind in Nebraska. It'd been months since he'd come back to the city; plenty of time for him and Kathy to patch things up, to work on rebuilding their family the way they always did. How could she even think about storming into their lives once more, upending whatever fragile peace they'd found for themselves? A baby would be the final straw for Kathy, Olivia was sure; Kathy might find it in her heart to forgive a brief period of indiscretion, but a child? How would they ever come back from such a revelation?

The worst part was, Eli would be caught in the middle. The older children were grown, had moved out of the family home and were making lives for themselves, but Eli wasn't even 10. The next few years would form the very foundation of his life, and he deserved to spend those years with his father.

But Olivia's baby deserved his father, too, didn't he?

Christ, what a mess.

As she sat there, cradling her belly and trying not to cry, there came a knock on the door, and she rushed to pull her blouse down over her stomach - and her unzipped pants - before the door opened.

"Hey, Liv, we're getting ready to cut out," Fin told her as he stepped through the door, coming up short when he caught sight of her. For a second he lingered there, watching her, and then he stepped fully into the office and closed the door behind him.

"Everything all right?" she asked him, sitting up a little straighter and scooting her chair up so that her belly was hidden under her desk.

"You tell me," Fin answered, shooting her a pointed look. "You got something you wanna share with the class?"

He knows, she thought. Fin always knew.

"You know," she said heavily.

"Be good to hear you say it, though," he said. Whatever he knew, however he knew it, he wasn't going to give away his secrets; he wanted to hear the truth from her.

"I'm pregnant," she told him, and watched as a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

"Congratulations, Liv," he said. And then, just like she thought he would, he added, "who's the lucky guy?"

"You know, I'm not really…I'm not ready to talk about that, right now." Whether she wanted to or not she knew she had to tell Elliot, but she needed to tell him first, before anyone else got wind of it. It wouldn't really be fair for Fin to find out she was carrying Elliot's baby before Elliot did.

"That got anything to do with why you don't want Stabler to know you're back?"

Shit. She never could keep secrets from Fin. But she didn't want to say yes; maybe she hadn't done the best job so far, but she wanted to do things right, now. She stared at Fin, her mouth working as she struggled to find the right combination of words to make him stop asking, but Fin saw through her at once.

"It's not hard to do the math, Liv," he told her, dropping into one of the chairs across from her desk. "Stabler turns up out of the blue, back on the job, asking questions about the cartel, and two weeks later you're back at your desk but you don't wanna talk to him. You disappeared for a few months and came back pregnant but you don't want to tell me who's the father. I'm just saying, it adds up."

"I didn't realize it was that obvious," she grumbled.

"Only to me," Fin told her. "And listen, you don't want me to say anything, I won't. I just don't want you to be alone when you don't have to be."

If only it were that simple.

"He's married, Fin," she reminded him sadly. Elliot had always been married, and he always would be; Kathy was the woman he'd chosen, the woman he'd spent his whole life with, the woman he couldn't bear to be parted from. He'd walked out on Olivia and never looked back but he'd always found his way home to Kathy, and that was as it should be.

"Not for long," Fin said bluntly. "Look, you told me you didn't want him to know you're back and I'm not gonna get in the middle of that, but I talked to him a few weeks ago. I didn't tell him anything about you but we talked about what he's doing now. He split from Kahty, he's got his own place."

"Shit," Olivia breathed.

Maybe she should've been happy about that. Maybe Elliot living on his own should've been the final proof she needed, undeniable evidence that what he'd said was true, that his marriage was over regardless of his relationship with Olivia. She'd walked out on him and not spoken to him in months and he'd left Kathy anyway, and maybe she should've been reassured by that.

She wasn't, though.

"It's all my fault," she said before she could stop herself. All the years of trying to help him, trying to hold his family together, looking at the Stablers and thinking that's what a family should be, it was all for nothing, in the end, the dream of a family shattered because of her. Because she loved him, because she wanted him, because she'd been selfish for once.

"I should know better than to argue with a pregnant lady," Fin said carefully, watching her like he was a little worried she might pull her gun on him, "but this isn't on you, Liv. His marriage was never perfect, we both know that. He's not talking to you, he doesn't know about this," he gestured vaguely towards her, towards her baby, "and he left anyway. You can't blame yourself for that."

But she did, blame herself, couldn't quite believe that what he said was true, that she wasn't the one responsible for the destruction of Elliot's family. Maybe one day she'd believe it, but today all she felt was sorrow.

"Thanks, Fin," she said, because she was grateful to him. Grateful for his understanding, and the insight he'd given her, grateful to have a friend who cared for her, and told her what she needed to hear, even when she wasn't ready to hear it.

"You know I'm here for you, Liv," he said. "Whatever you need. And this stays between us, ok? Nobody's gonna hear a word about it from me."

"Fin -"

"But somebody should probably hear it from you," he added pointedly.

"I know," she said. "I'm gonna tell him, Fin. I will."

"Good."

They talked a while more, about work, about her plans for her maternity leave, about the apartment she'd just moved into, and when Fin left she turned her attention to her computer, pulled up the NYPD directory and searched for the address of OCCB's headquarters. The time had come, she knew; she couldn't wait any longer. Everyone would know the truth soon, and Elliot needed to hear it from her first. She didn't have a number to reach him, and she wasn't really sure this was a conversation they ought to have over the phone, anyway. She'd go to OCCB, and she'd face him head on, and let the chips fall where they may.

OCCB headquarters had to be the strangest precinct she'd ever stepped inside. The place looked more like a warehouse than a police department; every entrance was monitored by cameras, and she had to speak with a young woman through an intercom before they'd open the door for her.

The interior of the building was all wrought iron and exposed beams; as she walked she passed a giant industrial fan turning lazily off to the right. The corridor opened up into what passed for a bullpen, a few desks pushed together in the center of the floor, stairs leading up to an office on one side and to an open work space covered with computer monitors on the other. There was a girl up there, behind the computers, probably the girl who'd buzzed Olivia in, and two young men were speaking softly to one another by the desks. They all fell silent as she approached, watching her warily, but before any of them could speak another woman emerged from the office. Olivia figured that woman had to be the boss, and so she focused her attention there.

"You Bell?" she called as she approached.

"Yes," the woman answered. "You Benson?"

"Yes."

"It's nice to meet you, Lieutenant," Bell said, coming down off the stairs to shake Olivia's hand. "What can we do for you?"

Christ, this was mortifying. Turning up at Elliot's office with trembling hands, looking for him with her heart in her throat. Still, though. It had to be done.

"I'm looking for one of your detectives," Olivia told her. "Is Stabler around?"

"I'm sorry, but he's not," Bell told her. "He's in the field."

"Oh."

Now what was she gonna do? Just sit around and wait for him? Noah was at home with the sitter, and Olivia still had boxes to unpack. She couldn't spend all evening here, waiting for him to come home, waiting like…like his wife, like Kathy.

"Any idea when he'll be back?"

"You know, I can't get into specifics, but Stabler's UC right now," Bell told her regretfully, and Olivia's stomach swooped unpleasantly. What the fuck was he thinking, going under a time like this? When Eli needed him, when she needed him?

"He's checking in, but he's not coming back to the office until Monday."

And even then he wouldn't be there long, Olivia knew. While he was UC he couldn't risk dropping out of sight for too long, couldn't risk someone tailing him. Wherever he was, he was beyond her reach; his team knew how to get in contact with him, she knew that, but those channels were only for emergencies. If she tried to reach him now, she'd put his life and his operation in jeopardy. The second he learned about the baby he'd try to see her, she knew, and if he came charging through her door now he might bring all sorts of trouble with him. What if he was followed? What if the criminals he was chasing found out about her, found out where she lived, where her son lived? She couldn't bear to put Noah in danger again. No, wherever Elliot was, whatever he was doing, he needed to focus on that. Christ, he'd only just gotten his badge back; she couldn't let him risk it just to see her.

"I see," Olivia said slowly.

"We can get a message to him, if you need to talk," Bell offered, eyeing her speculatively.

"No, that's ok," Olivia told her quickly. "Just…when he's out, when the op is over, have him call me, all right?"

"We can do that."

"Thank you, Sergeant," Olivia said, and then she left, walked back the way she'd come with a heavy heart.