"Well, we ain't!"
The Owl Lady's words still echoed thought Philip's mind (rather impressive considering it was a half dissolved puddle of goo) as he pondered over where everything had gone wrong.
Oh don't get it twisted, he ain't realizing where it had really gone wrong "Damn you Evelyn! Damn you! Damn you! Damn you!" the Witch Hunter mentally screamed, sounding just like a petulant child even in silence. And so the great Emperor Belos's consciousness spend an incalculable time damning all who had "wronged" him; Evelyn, Lilith, Luz, Eda, Darius, Raine, all the Grimwalkers, the Blights, the Witches, the Demons, the Titan, it was quite the extensive list. After he finally tired himself out of that, Philip turned his mind to more productive thoughts, mainly what would happen to him now.
He would never admit it to even himself, but over the many, many, many long years he spent trapped on the Boiling Isles, Philip's faith had waned. he could scarcely believe that Heaven could exist at this point having spent all that time in what felt like his own personal Hell.
It was needless to say, death had scared him for a long time.
Finally he dared to try and open his eyes, his vision was greeted by sunlight and not the Boiling Isles, but a field of clouds with a large golden fence, with a matching gate directly in front of him. Glancing down at himself, Philip saw that, much to his delight, his human form had been restored and a quick feel of his face proved even his scar was gone.
"Is this...?" Philip muttered to himself, before deciding to investigate further.
Turning his attention back to the gate, he saw beside it was a podium where a winged and haloed man stood "Hiya! Welcome to Heaven!" the man confirmed the obvious for Philip "Can I get your name please?"
Philip was left speechless, he was on the gates of Heaven talking to Saint Peter (at least if the name tag on the podium was to be believed), but he still managed to sputter out his name despite the shock "Ph- Philip Wittebane!"
"Wittebane, Wittebane, Wittebane." Peter muttered out as he flipped through his book "Ah ha, there we are Philip Wittebane, right after Caleb. Although you are a bit later than expected."
A smile overtook Philip's face, although unlike Peter's this was one not of genuine pure joy, but of pure hateful vindication. It seemed like he had gotten the last laugh, his final reward of Heaven while Luz and her so-called family would be damned to eternal hellfire with all of the blasphemous Witches and Demons of the Boiling Isles.
"I tried to save you Luz, I hope you remember that." Philip thought to himself "But if it is God's will that I fail that well..." he stared at the paradise that awaited him beyond the pearly gates and let out a venomous laugh "Then so be it."
Peter raise an eyebrow as Philip continued to creepy him out, quickly double checking his book to see that yes Philip's name was in it, before he waved him towards the gate "Well then enjoy your eternal reward."
"Oh I will." the Witch Hunter said with a smile and with baited breath, Philip walked to the gate and took his first step into...
...an invisible barrier blocking his entrance into Heaven.
Peter cringed slightly as Philip slowly slumped down the invisible barrier he had slammed into "Oh, that had to hurt."
It had in fact hurt very much, and it took Philip a few moments to recover before he pulled himself back to his feet "What! What is the meaning of this!?" he demanded an explanation from the Saint.
"Don't look at me," Peter defensively replied "this has never happened before!"
Before the pair could question what was happening any further, the sound of rapidly fluttering wings filled the air.
"Hold up I'm here!" an appropriately angelic voice called out as it's owner, a young looking six winged angel, gracefully landed in front of Philip "Sorry about the confusion Saint Peter... again." she quickly apologized as she fixed both her hair and dress, both of which had become slightly disheveled from how she had rushed over.
"Oh that's quite alright your holyness." Peter said with his ever present smile, just it was a bit more forced than usual, "Although, I would appreciate some warning now and then." he added on in a strained whisper, still holding up his smile as he did.
After that explanation, the angel turned her attention to Philip "Hi! I'm Emily, the other seraphim" she briefly explained with a quick wave "Which I just realized sounds confusing, but the high seraphim of heaven is currently... busy." as she said the last part her smile grew clearly strained "So it's just me, hehe."
"Right." Philip plainly responded, Emily could be Jesus Christ for all he cared right now, "So can you explain why I'm being delayed in receiving my eternal reward?" he demanded an explanation, sounding like the universe's oldest Karen as he asked.
"Yeah that's the thing," Emily began, clearly uncomfortable with what she was about to say, "you're not getting an eternal reward, like at all."
Philip stared down the angel as if she had just told him two plus two equaled fish "But my name is in his stupid book!" he protested, throwing an arm back towards Peter.
"Hey!" Peter gasped in horror and hugged his book to his chest, gently rubbing it as he cooed "Don't listen to him."
"Oh I know," Emily calmly responded "cause I put it in there."
The was really only one way Philip could respond to that "What?" the Witch Hunter flatly asked.
"It was your brother's idea actually, he thought you should think you're getting your 'well earned' reward before having it ripped away." the angel explained "You know a little payback for the whole MURDERING HIM." Emily made sure to put extra emphasis on the last two words, while maintaining her kind demeanor.
"He was bewitched, I was saving his soul from a sinful Witch!" the Witch Hunter protested "At least she's now burning in Hell, where she belongs." he smugly noted before catching the disappointed glare Emily was shooting his way "...Right?"
"Yeah, no she's up here with Caleb." the angel quickly corrected Philip, having to hold back her laughter as a look of horror flashed across the human's face, "And oh yeah just to be clear, Witches aren't automatically damned." Emily mentally groaned as she remembered all the damage that Adam had caused with that one (the paperwork alone had kept Sera and her busy for a decade at least) "I would say sorry for the confusion, but you've had plenty of time to figure that out."
Philip stared in silence, unable to fully process what Emily was telling him "I- I don't understand..." he managed to mutter out.
"Hold on, got this letter for you too, it should clear things up. It's from Caleb." Emily said as she pulled said letter out of her dress "Ahem, 'First off let me get one thing clear'" Emily began to read the letter aloud "Evelyn never put me under any sort of spell, you idiot!" The angel paused her reading to mutter under her breath "Woah, strong way to start a letter."
Nevertheless, Emily continued "If you're wondering if I ever missed you, the answer is no. Not at all. I fact I'm almost certain, after I'm finished with this letter, I'll never willingly think of you ever again."
"I would love you to know Evelyn and I are quite happy up here. We spend almost all our time together, we go on long walks, we watch theater shows together, we even..." Emily obeyed the letter's order to pause for a moment for dramatic effect "Hold hands!"
Philip gasped in pure unadulterated horror.
"And finally, I hope you rot in Hell for what you did to my wife you-" Emily stopped suddenly, her eyes shrinking to pinpricks as she silently read the rest of the letter, "Oh... wow."
"What? What does it say!?" Philip desperately reached to grab the letter, but Emily quickly pocketed it before he could.
"Yeah, trust me you don't want to know." she brushed off Philip's question before muttering to herself "Gotta have a talk with Caleb about that later."
Absolutely mentally defeated, Philip fell to his knees, starring at the clouds (and I mean the ones forming the ground, not the ones in the sky) in silence.
"Soooo, do we send him down to... you know where?" Peter asked, ignoring the mental breakdown Philip was currently having in front of the pair.
Emily stroked her chin in though "It's where he belongs, so yes." she easily answered.
"T- this can't be right!" Philip sputtered out as he realized he was living his worst nightmare "This is some kind of test! R- right?"
"Yeah, no." Emily bluntly rebutted the Witch Hunter's last futile hopes before turning to Peter "Peter the trap door." she gently ordered.
"Oh this why we have that!" Peter gasped out as he reached for a large golden lever next to the Saint that Philip had somehow not seen before. "Buh bye." Peter gave a small wave as he pulled the lever, opening a literal pit of hellfire beneath the Witch Hunter's feet.
And Philip's screams drew a smile out on at least one angel's face that day.