Dolores Umbridge is only a fractional example of the stress under which today's educators work. This work of fanfiction is based on the true events that happened to my teacher friends. As I listened to their stories, I wondered how the staff at Hogwarts would handle such situations.

Not only do I not own the world of Harry Potter, but I also changed the story line to suit me. This little satire is dedicated to all my teacher friends.

Educational Decrees Ad Nauseum

CHAPTER 6 – There is no 'I' in 'teamwork.'

February 1996

"Will somebody just avada me?" Sirius groaned and dropped his head on the staff room table. He set his rainbow-colored notebook on the table and opened it to the first page. Lifting his eyes, he looked directly at Severus. "Please?"

Snape snorted. "I wouldn't give you the pleasure," he snarked in return. "If I'm stuck in this hell, then - So. Are. You!" Thwap! He threw a black book on the table.

"Boys, play nice," Charity murmured absently. "Besides you know we need both of you for today." She arranged her rainbow-colored notebook on the table, opened the ink, and carefully placed the quill on top.

"Yes, save it for the Toad," added Pomona. Her rainbow notebook was already on the table, opened to a clean page.

"Is everyone ready?" McGonagall asked. "She's due to arrive at six o'clock, and we want to make sure she's as miserable as she's making us!" Her notebook, covered now in a lovely tartan plaid, lay open, but whatever was on the page was an indecipherable mess. "Just stick to the plan. The toad will never know what hit her."

"Be sure to sit up straight," Flitwick added. "And no matter what she says, keep up your part with a smile."

"I wonder what color notebook we'll get this time," Septima Vector glumly asked her partner. "Did you bring the supplies?"

"Ooh, maybe we'll get lucky and get a new book instead," Aurora replied sarcastically. "Yes, I've got everything," she said with a grin as she set a box under her chair.

The door opened. Everyone tensed and silently clenched their jaws. They were ready for battle. But the newcomers were only Hagrid, Trelawney, and Hooch.

Hagrid moved slowly around the room until he reached the corner. "I hope this meetin' won't las' too long. Got a meeting with Jordan Lee. Good kid, that. He's working with me nifflers. Thinks he might want a career in magical creatures." He settled into the largest seat at the table and wriggled around until he felt comfortable. Carefully, he placed the rainbow notebook on the table.

"Hooch!" Sirius cheered. "I thought the Toad sacked you!"

A grin split her face in two. "Oh, I'm on professional warning," she said with mock sadness. "It seems her royal toadiness hasn't the authority to dissolve a magically binding contract. Yet." She dropped into the chair next to Hagrid and set up her notebook. "But by the end of the week, she will."

"Over here, Sybil," Charity called out. "You can sit by me."

Umbridge cantered in right behind them. "Oh, good, you're all here and ready to work," Dolores said in her patent sugar-filled voice. "I knew that sooner or later you'd all get with it." The door behind her slammed shut, and she marched to her self-appointed place at the head of the table.

Her plastic smile faltered. "And just where were you at last month's meeting?" she demanded of Trelawney.

Sybil blinked rapidly and held out her hands before her like someone feeling their way along in the dark. "What? What was that? Last month?" she questioned. "I was suffering from a deep and abiding optimistic educational cultivation of a positive climate of the conjunctiva of my Inner Eye." She nodded like a bobble-head.

"She's no longer contagious," Charity managed to say with a straight face."

"Fine," Dolores snapped. "Now, I must tell you I have heard from some of our parents, who have expressed concerns about some of you. Some of these concerns we will discuss now, and I will be speaking with some of you individually at a later time."

"I will no longer be meeting alone with parents," announced Septima Vector firmly. "After meeting Glitter Grindlefelt's father, I categorically refuse." She crossed her arms over her chest. "He started the meeting by complimenting me and ended it by propositioning me and backing me into a corner! If it weren't for Severus coming around the corner when he did –"

"I sent Severus to check on you," Aurora added. "Grindlefelt tried to get fresh with me, too, but I knew how to handle him." She twirled her wand between her fingers.

"I've told you before, Septima, to keep your wand on your person at all times and not in your desk," the Potions professor added.

"I'm sure that was a fluke," Dolores said quickly. "Are you sure neither one of you did anything to cause the situation?"

"Now, see here," Sirius Black spoke up, "I had a similar situation, too."

"With Miss Gindlefelt's father?" Severus asked snidely. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you, too."

Black glared at Snape. "Nothing like that. I wound up hexing Alfius Arterberry, his new wife, Artemistra, his ex-wife, Althea, and her new husband, Aloysius Armstrong! Then, I levitated the lot of them out of the school and dropped them outside the gates."

"Mr. Black," Dolores gasped, "you can not go around hexing parents. You've given them a cause of action against the school as well as yourself. You'll have to draft a letter of apology to all four of them immediately."

"They started a fight, Dolores," Black explained slowly. "I mean, a fist-fight, in front of their sons! Turned over half the tables in my classroom. I won't apologize. They got what they deserved." He shrugged. "What do I care if they sue? I've been to Azkaban."

"As you said, Dolores, there have been other," Filius spoke up as he shifted in his seat uncomfortably, "incidences. For example, when I explained that her daughter could make better grades if she stopped the extraneous talking and paid better attention, Mrs. Fizzledorph instructed me to simply tell her daughter, Fairchild, to, and I quote, 'shut the fuck up'."

"Oh," Dolores said quietly. She looked down at the parchment in front of her. "So, you didn't actually say that to the daughter, then?"

"Absolutely not!" Flitwick shouted.

Dolores picked up a quill and struck through a line on her paper. "Then, I'll not count it against your evaluation."

Before Filius could react to that remark, Minerva loudly announced, "At any rate, Dolores, these meetings are becoming problematic and degenerating into a potential safety issue, and as things now stand, we will no longer participate in them. And that's an end of it."

"All right, then," Umbridge replied sullenly. She pinched her lips together and scribbled something on the parchment in front of her, then clapped her hands together. Instantly, the recently cleaned Magi-Board appeared. "We'll just get on with our meeting. We have so much to do!"

Flitwick raised his hand. "Professor Umbridge," he said with a faux smile, "Dolores, I thought you said we would all get a Magi-Board to use in our classrooms. I haven't received mine."

A tiny frown crept into her eyes, but it was soon replaced by a smile. "The Ministry has ordered them. However, Magi-Boards are such a state-of-the-art learning tool that they are on back order and will not arrive for a few more days," she responded glibly as she gripped the stylus in her hand.

"Perfectly understandable," Sirius agreed. His voice practically oozed with phony delight.

"Do you want us to make note of that in our RCN's?" asked Burbage with spurious solicitude, as she held aloft her quill.

"Yes, I think we should," Sirius stated with fanatical firmness and began furiously scribbling in his notebook.

"I don't know," Hooch was saying overly loudly to Hagrid. She looked around at Umbridge and asked overly loudly, "What's an RCN, and what are we supposed to write down?"

"Quiet," Umbridge declared. She clenched her hand on the stylus.

"I'm sorry," Hooch replied pseudo-penitently. She held her hands up, palms facing outward, as if in surrender. "Just want to do right, you know."

"Oh," Burbage said with a raucous laugh, "RCN stands for 'rainbow colored notebook.' We thought the acronym would make things simpler."

"I'm all for making things easier," Sirius Black remarked obscenely cheerfully. He set down his quill and shook his head. "I thought Azkaban was bad, but it's a doodle compared to teaching First Years."

"So?" Charity asked with just the right amount of fear in her tone. "We do write it down then?"

"Well, o' course, you should," Hagrid said seriously. "Wha' eve' High Inquisitor Umbridge says mus' be impor'ant."

"Enough!" Umbridge shouted. She slammed her hands down on the table with a loud metallic clatter. Instantly, silence fell. Carefully, she examined the stylus, and finding it still intact, she dropped it into her pocket.

"We were just trying to be helpful, Dolores," Bathsheda Babbling grumbled piteously. The oldest professor's voice quivered with alarm.

Umbridge glared at her suspiciously. She cleared her throat and returned to her garishly girlishly high voice. "Now, we will begin sharing the plans that you and your partner wrote last week." She looked imperiously around the room, her blazing eyes landing on Hagrid and Hooch. "You two, Rubeus and Rolanda, you will begin."

"I dunno what ye're awanting," Hagrid told her honestly. "Ye didn't give me a partner." He stood up and began digging the most bizarre assortment of items out of his pocket and piled them on the table before Umbridge. "But I brung some things here tha'da make a good show and tell. Here's owl pellets, clippin's from a thestral's talons. I've got a couple o' Pixies – oops! Sorry, I'll catch 'em later. Some o' Buckbeak's feathers and – "

"Thank you, Hagrid," Umbridge interrupted him. "Sit down. Hooch?"

Rolanda smiled serenely. "You threw me out before I could get the directions."

"That's right," Sirius agreed. He nodded cheerfully at Umbridge and gave her his smarmiest smile. "You gave the directions after you threw Hooch out because she said – " He paused and flipped through his rainbow colored notebook. Tapping his finger on a particular note on the page, he stopped and grinned. "Well," he added with a slight chuckle, "she said a lot of things."

"Can they have extra time to complete the assignment?" Flitwick piped up. His hand shot up in the air. "After all, it wasn't Rubeus' fault for not knowing what to do, and I'm sure Rolanda is very sorry for her outburst."

"It wouldn't be fair to penalize them for being unprepared," Septima Vector echoed her fellow Ravenclaw. "Hagrid did show good faith with his participation."

"Yeah, that's right! I'm sure they'll do a whiz bang-up of a job if you give them another chance," Sirius put in.

"No," Umbridge replied vehemently, "I will not give them another chance. And, you, Black, not another word!"

Looking like a kicked puppy, Sirius put his quill down and crossed his arms. "Golly gee whiz, I was only trying to help," he muttered dejectedly.

Again, Filius' had shot upward. "Can my team go next?" Flitwick asked quickly in a display of excessive excitement. He stood up and gestured towards Minerva. "We've got a most impressive unit lesson plan. I can't wait to share it."

"Your partner can explain the plan for your team," Umbridge declared. "I've heard enough from you."

Quiet filled the room after Filius' grumbled, "Well, excuse me!" He stuck his bottom lip out like a sullen Ravenclaw first year, who'd been told he was wrong.

"Minerva!" Umbridge barked, breaking the silence.

"Oh, my," Minerva squeaked. She laid her hand over her heart and chuckled nervously, pretending to a lack of attention. "Dolores, you caught me off guard. What, what was it you wanted?"

"I asked you to present the plan you and Filius designed," Umbridge replied through her teeth.

Minerva smiled with delight. "Of course, I have them right here in my RCN," she said pertly. With a quick nod and smile at Burbage, she set her glasses on her nose, picked up her notebook, and slowly began turning the pages.

"That's not an RCN," Filius pointed out.

"Hmm? What's that, Filius?" Minerva asked the wizard beside her.

He pointed at her notebook. "I said that's not an RCN. It isn't rainbow colored."

Burbage frowned. "No, we certainly can't call that an RCN," she agreed with another extremely loud belly laugh. "Minerva, what color would you call that notebook?"

Closing the cover, she peered at the tartan cover. "Oh, this!" she cried cheerfully as she raised her notebook to show them, "this is the McGonagall family tartan. I didn't like that funereal black Severus created, so I thought I'd change it. I try to incorporate my plaid whenever I can. It makes me feel -"

"Silence," screamed Umbridge. With tightly clenched fists and a purple face, Dolores glared at them until there was silence. "Minerva, keep to the topic. The plan you and Filius created. Discuss. Now."

Minerva sniffed and raised a lone eyebrow. "You needn't get so stroppy, Dolores," she replied with a snip. "I'm getting to it as fast as I can." Reopening her notebook, she peered inside. Confusion swam across her face for a moment, and then she broke out in gales of laughter. She covered her mouth with a hand, stopped laughing, and looked around the room. "I'm so sorry, Dolores, but it seems I've picked up the wrong notebook." She chuckled. "This is my mother's cookbook."

"A cookbook? A cookbook? How could you do this?" Filius cried out as if he had been personally affronted. "Minerva, I left my notebook in my office because you promised faithfully to bring yours! Now, how is that going to help us?" Filius was earning a BAFTA award channeling the worst of a whining, first year gifted Ravenclaw. "Here we are at such an impotent meeting - " He winked at Aurora Sinistra. " - and you've forgotten our project!"

"Oh, I am sorry, Filius," Minerva replied. She reached over the table to pat his arm consolingly. "No, this notebook won't help us now, but it has the most delicious recipe for raspberry cranachan. I'll make you up a batch later."

"May I have a copy of the recipe?" Vector asked.

"Enough!" Umbridge shouted. She breathed angrily and noisily through her nose for a few moments. "Burbage! Black!" Umbridge demanded. "You two! Present your plan now!"

Sirius Black stood up and politely assisted Burbage to her feet. Without a word, he pointed to the Magi-Board. "May we use the Magi-Board?" he asked eagerly. "We have created our lesson anticipating that we'd all have Magi-Board technology."

"Of course, we didn't get one," Burbage added, "like you said, which is a really a pity because I really enjoy watching how it was used last time, and -"

"Yes, yes, go ahead and use it," Umbridge barked, cutting her off.

With a huge grin, Sirius clapped his hands in mock excitement and bowed with exaggerated courtesy to Umbridge. Using his wand, he magically lit up the Magi-Board like a large movie screen. He stepped across the room, keeping his wand pointed at the Magi-Board, and then he gave his partner a thumbs-up.

"Sirius and I thought it would be great to have the students compare Muggle history to Magical history across the ages," Charity explained. She made a dramatic gesture towards the screen and dimmed the lighting. Then, her voice took on a dull, droning whine as she announced, "We begin with the Age of Dinosaurs!"

Sirius flicked his wand. Two dinosaurs, smiling like idiots, appeared on the screen and began lumbering side by side across a swamp. One of the dinosaurs was purple with a green belly. The other one, a bright blue dinosaur, was wearing a tall conical orange hat with red edging and large yellow stars.

"When dinosaurs roamed the," Charity read aloud in a flat monotone. She paused to lick her finger and turn the page of her script. "Earth. There were Magical dinosaurs, and there were Muggle dinosaurs, and they lived together in harmony."

"I see the one on the right raided Albus' closet," Sinistra remarked.

Severus nodded. "It certainly appears to be wearing his hats."

"How long does this last?" Hooch asked loudly. "Surely, not up until the present day."

"Hush," Minerva chided her. She sat with all her attention riveted to the screen. "I'm trying to learn something."

Sirius changed the scene, and Charity continued undisturbed. Her voice became even more boring and slower. "One day the Muggle dinosaur -" Again, she paused to lick her finger and turn a page. "- said to his Magical friend, 'Why can't I do magic like you?' "

"Thank you, Charity and Sirius," Umbridge said quickly. She reset the lighting. "That's enough. I think we can see where you are heading. Good job!" She sighed when they grinned at her approval and began dismantling their dinosaur show.

"Yes, well done," Flitwick said in a sarcastic tone, "but it's not realistic! Whoever heard of talking dinosaurs?"

"There's Barney," Septima Vector said suddenly. When everyone in the room turned towards her, she smiled girlishly. "I mean, Barney the big purple dinosaur. He talks and sings. Children really love him, but he can be annoying to adults and older children."

"That's exactly who was in our show!" Charity exclaimed excitedly. She clapped her hands with joy. "Muggle-Born students will be very familiar with him. My nephews just adore him!"

"How are your nephews, dear?" Bathsheda asked. "Will they be coming to Hogwarts?"

"They are doing very well," Charity replied. "Thank you for asking. Oh, they've got another few years before –"

"You're getting off-topic again," Umbridge shouted. "Pomona, Severus! Your turn."

Tears began to pool up in Pomona's eyes. "He refused to do the project, and I wasn't about to do one all by myself." All eyes were turned on Severus Snape, who seemed completely absorbed in his black book. The silence continued unabated. For several long minutes, the room was utterly still. All eyes were focused on Snape, who seemed completely oblivious to it all.

Finally, Severus looked up, nonchalantly placed a green silk ribbon inside the book, and closed it. He cleared his throat. "I didn't do one," he said simply.

"You didn't do one?" Umbridge echoed.

"That is what I said," he replied with painful slowness.

Clearly affronted, Dolores jammed her fists on her hips. "And just why not?" Umbridge demanded.

"It is patently obvious to anyone with a brain," Severus remarked coldly, "that herbology and potions go hand-in-hand. Therefore, to forcibly create a joint lesson plan is not only redundant but also disruptive to the logical flow of the curriculum of both disciplines."

Sprout laid her head back against her chair as the tears flowed down her face. "I just can't take this anymore. It's killing me." Minerva handed her a plaid handkerchief, and she wiped her eyes. "Thank you, Min," she said softly, as she pulled a small, blue vial from her pocket and drank the contents. "Just my valerian potion. Poppy's had me on it for stress since September."

"Well, Severus is right," Flitwick insisted. "The two subjects are such integral parts of each other it's unnecessary to make a unit combining them."

Umbridge was nearly apoplectic. "Did anyone do the project correctly?" she roared.

Vector and Sinistra stood up simultaneously. "We have created a unit where students use their knowledge of Arithmancy to recreate the constellations that they have studied in Astronomy," Aurora said briskly.

"Tell us about it," Umbridge ordered.

"In my Astronomy class," Aurora Sinistra explained, "each student will be given a constellation to research thoroughly. They will write a detailed essay on the topic and present their findings to the class."

"My name is a constellation!" Sirius chirped happily.

"It's a star, not a constellation," Filtwick corrected him.

"What? But my parents said - " Sirius broke off, looking confused and hurt. "You're kidding, right?"

"It's a star," Septima told him gently, "but it's a very nice star."

"Back to your project!" Dolores growled.

Aurora Sinistra crossed her arms and glared coldly at Umbridge. "There's no need for that tone."

Septima continued the explanation. "Then in Arithmancy class, the student will calculate the variables for each star within the constellation and using enchanted phospho-balls, he or she will then create a three-dimensional model of that constellation."

"Bravo!" cheered Umbridge. "Now, do you all see what a little teamwork can accomplish?"

"Would you like to see how it works?" asked Aurora in her sweetest Slytherin voice.

"Oh, yes," Dolores agreed. "Show your colleagues what team work can accomplish."

"Nox," Septima said, and instantly the room was plunged into darkness. "These are the enchanted phospho-balls," she explained. Although the room was pitch black, a small round object about the size of a ping-pong ball could be seen glowing. "Can you see it?"

The collective "ooh's" and "ah's" were Aurora's cue. Using her wand to levitate one enchanted phospho-ball through the darkness, she set it to hover over the table. "This enchanted phospho-ball represents the first star in Centaurus, which, as we all know, is the largest constellation," she explained. Slowly, the glowing ball rose until it was almost five feet above the table. "Did you see how I slowly set the first enchanted phospho-ball in place?"

"Now," Septima chimed in, "Aurora and I will work quickly together to finish the constellation." Several seconds of quiet followed as Aurora and Vector worked quickly to set every glowing sphere in place. There, hovering above the staff room table, shining like jewels set in a crown, rotated more than a hundred phospho-balls creating the constellation Centaurus.

Then, without warning, the constellation began spinning faster and faster until they were flying out of control, leaving the constellation at warp speed! The room was lit up as if by an artillery barrage the likes of which hadn't been seen in the United Kingdom since the Battle of Britain! Enchanted phospho-balls, raining down like smart bombs, zinged and ricocheted across the room, slamming into Dolores. She was pelted from every imaginable angle.

"Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!" screeched Umbridge. "If I don't get absolute cooperation right now, I'll have the Ministry dock your paychecks!" Instantly, the blitz ended. "Lumos!" she shouted.

"We are so sorry!" Vector, clasping her hand to her chest, exclaimed in bogus atonement.

Simultaneously, Sinistra cried with devious pretense, "I don't understand! It was like they were possessed!"

Umbridge closed her eyes and held out her hands for silence. She stood there for a while, collecting herself. Finally, she spoke in a pinched and highly irritated tone of voice. "Let's just move on, shall we?" She turned to face the entire group. "Your next assignment will be to create W. A. S. T. E. - This stands for 'Wizarding Assessments, Scaffolding, Magi-Technologies, and Enrichment' ideas." As she reached into her pocket for the Magi-Board stylus and a small roll of parchment, one phospho-ball fell out of her hair and rolled across the table.

"Scaffolding?" Snape drawled. "Will someone be hanged?"

"Isn't the Magi-Board an example of magi-technology? What about that S.T.D. tracker? Isn't that magi-technology? How are we supposed to recreate such technology?" Filius blurted out.

"Enrichment?" Pomona's words were slurred. Clearly, the valerian potion was working. "Like enriching the soil? Oh, that will be easy. I've got a lovely -" She broke off and began humming.

"You will," Umbridge raised her voice, ignoring the questions around her, "work with a partner - a different partner - to find ways to make learning easier. You have too many of your students failing. As I've told you before, whenever a student fails, it's your fault! And you must create strategies to keep students from failing, so you can properly complete your H.E.L.L forms."

McGonagall's face darkened. "Now, wait just a minute! If a student fails, it most certainly is not my fault!" Minerva exclaimed. A volley of mutinous comments joined hers.

"Might I remind you," Dolores snapped with a condescending sniff, "that I am High Inquisitor here? I, and I alone, have the authority to re-calculate all grades. If I report to the Ministry that you are failing entirely too many students, then you are! And it is your fault!" An evil sneer rose on Umbridge's face. "I think you're finally beginning to understand. According to Educational Decree Number 21, I now have the power to override the authority of all teachers."

Silence followed that last statement. "So, you see," Dolores continued, her voice an evil purr, "you really have no choice but to create the scaffolding and enrichment ideas. You and your partner will come up with one way to help slower students achieve and one way to help advanced students to learn more."

"All right," Flitwick spoke carefully, "I'm sure we all agree that those seem to be valid -"

Umbridge interrupted him. "It doesn't matter what you think. You'll simply have to do this whether you like it or not." She gifted them with a singularly oily smirk. "I want you to get into your new groups now. Group one will be McGonagall and Snape. Group two is Babbling and Vector. Group three is Sprout and Hooch. Group four is Flitwick and Burbage. Group five is Sinistra and Trelawney. The last group is Hagrid and Black."

No one said a word as they each rose from their seats to sit closer to their new partners. Chairs squeaked and scraped on the floor. Heels clicked. Notebooks plopped. But not a word was uttered.

"I'll just leave you to it then," Umbridge told them cheerfully. "I'm sure if you apply yourselves, you'll have completed your W. A. S. T. E. assignments before we meet again." She turned to leave, but she stopped at the door. "Oh, yes, and one more thing – " She stared directly at Hooch. " - failing groups may find themselves dismissed from their posts with or without a magical contract!" And with that parting shot she left the room, banging the door behind her.

" W. A. S. T. E! What a stupid acronym!" blurted Hooch

"These meetings are a W. A. S. T. E. of my time," Sinistra countered.

"I'm already killing myself trying to get everything done," Sprout protested woozily. "Teaching a full load, grading papers, making lesson plans, meeting parents, updating my grade book, tapping that S.T.D., tending the greenhouses, watching out for my Hufflepuffs, and now we have these ghastly monthly meetings and extra paperwork! I'm so overwhelmed, I've been having panic attacks!"

Septima Vector sighed. "I just knew we had her with this last stunt we pulled."

"I think it's time to step it up a notch," Aurora replied. "What can we do to make her leave?"

"There's nothing we can do except continue to annoy her," Minerva said. "She holds too much authority for us to really get her."

Flitwick sighed. "Perhaps we can annoy her in another way," he said thoughtfully. "Maybe we can beat her at her own game." He looked up at the confused faces around him. "We can generate an overload of good ideas and force her to listen to them."

"I doubt it will work," Burbage replied slowly, "but if nothing else, we'll have a pool of innovative ideas that we can push to be implemented."