Day 15
I slowly blink my eyes open and stretch as the light hits my face. I roll over to see Avi laying on the other side of the bed. I gently put a hand on her shoulder and feel her shaking. "Av? Are you okay?" I ask gently.
"I just went downstairs to feed the dogs and talk to my mom," she whispers, her voice strained. "The landlord called while we were gone. He said that my income alone won't be enough for me to qualify to keep the apartment but because of everything, he'd give me a month to either get a new roommate or get out."
I squeeze her shoulder and wince as if I can feel her pain. "Do you have any idea if you want to stay or not?"
Avi curls in a little to herself. "I…I don't know," she barely mutters. "I don't know if I can live in the same apartment that I shared with her but…if I leave that means I have to pack all her stuff and I don't think I can do that."
"You don't have to decide today," I say gently. "We can take it slow. And I told you before, I can stay as long as you need me to. If I need to go looking for a job to get you that second roommate, just let me know. I'm here for whatever you need." Avi simply nods as I hear her let out a heavy sigh. She finally turns to face me and I see just how red and puffy her face is. My heart aches as I say, "Come here." She scoots herself closer and lays her head on my chest as I wrap her in my arms. I feel her gently shake as she lets out quiet sobs and I hold her closer.
Finally, as her sobs subside, Avi says, "Can we go?"
"Go where?" I ask softly, rubbing her back.
"To the apartment," she whispers.
"Are you sure?" I ask. "We have time. You don't need to push yourself if you're not ready."
"Why make another day suck when I've already had a breakdown today and ruined the day?" Avi says numbly. "It's been over two weeks, Aly, and I have yet to be back in that apartment since we went looking for Ashley. It's time." I nod as she sits up and walks away to go get ready and I follow behind her.
Avi pulls into a parking spot at the apartment complex and puts the car in park. She lets out a heavy sigh as she stares at the door to the complex. After several moments, she says, "Let's do this." She opens the door and hops out of the car, keys in hand, as I follow her to the door. I watch her hands shake as she slowly grabs the key and slides it into the door handle. She freezes, taking a breath before unlocking the door and opening it.
The door opens to the living room and Avi slowly walks in. I feel her anxiety permeate the room as she scans it. "It's like nothing has changed," she whispers as she walks over to the coffee table and picks up a set of keys with Chloe's school badge on it. It's like I can hear the memories that have taken place in the room as we walk further into the apartment. Dirty dishes remain in the sink and clutter covers the counters in the kitchen. Blankets lay unfolded on the couch next to an open laptop. It's like life just paused here…that everything was just left with the intention to come back to it. Which I guess…that's exactly what happened.
Avi starts to walk into a bedroom and I follow behind her. She stares at the unmade bed and walks over to the right side of the bed. She picks up the pillow and holds it to her face as she sits down on the bed. She moves it to her chest as she gives a small chuckle. "It's funny," she says, "we got the two-bedroom apartment with the sole intention of her having her own room. But she never once used it because she was always too afraid to sleep alone because of her nightmares." She holds the pillow closer as she looks up at me.
I give her a pained smile, unsure of what to say. I look over at the closet and ask, "Do you need any clothes while we're here?" I walk over to open the closet door and freeze as soon as I do. Chloe's wardrobe hangs in front of me and I hear an audible gasp from the bed.
"Her clothes," Avi whispers, "what am I going to do with her clothes?" Her body starts to shake and she drops the pillow as she wraps her arms around herself. "I can't do this," she says as she sinks to the floor, hunched over as she sobs.
"Hey, it's okay, I'm here," I say as I walk over and sit on the floor next to her and pull her close.
"I don't know how I'm going to do this," she says through her sobs. "Everything about this apartment screams Chloe. I don't know how I can live in a reminder of her every day. But I can't pack it up either."
"I am so, so sorry, Av," I whisper, holding her tighter.
"What am I going to do, Al?" she whimpers.
"We take it slow," I answer. "We take it one step at a time and figure it out as we go." Avi nods and I let out a sigh. "Ty, are you there?" I ask over the Voice.
"I'm here, Aly," Tyler answers. "What's going on?"
"Pack my stuff," I say. "I'm staying here."