November 2009

Thanks For Calling Customer Service. What The Hell Do YOU Want?

Everyone has had one of 'those' friends. The friend who entertains the whole schoolyard, the spinner of tales, the person to whom everything happens—good, bad or uncertain. This is the kid who goes to Gutbusters Burgers and OHMYGAWWWWWWWD gets a fried rat between the patty and the cheese. (Oddly enough, it never made even the local newscast.) Or he has an uncle in black ops in the military who has salted away several million in a Swiss account and when Mr. Scheherazade turns 18, there's going to be one heck of a party. Of course, his life already is a party since his parents gave him a 90" tv for his 7th birthday, he has his own cable subscription and he stays up until 2am eating Zeppy's pizza. (They gave him a running tab.) My mother would patiently listen to my friend's high grade manure and say "incredible!" in tones of amazement. It wasn't until I was older and saw the definition included 'lack of credibility' that I understood the smile in her eyes. I now get to use that phrase and expression with a couple of kids Lexi knows. (90" television. Puh-leeze.)

'Incredible' is just one word that came to mind on one afternoon. 'Ill-trained,' 'slacker,' 'unconscious' and 'IQ below standing water in Nome, Alaska in the dead of winter' were a few more.

I was snarling these and a few more choice words while trying to place an order with International Gamers. Their website was down and had been for a week, so I was stuck with 1-800-can I help you? They had several pages of dragon-themed gaming supplies and accessories: velvet dice bags, carryalls for books and floor plans, hinged boxes for figurines and other doodads, t-shirts, bumper stickers, everything you could think of based on the Dragonlore books, cable show and brand new role playing games. We didn't sell the games, but the books flew off the shelf so I knew these items would be very popular.

I had been on the phone for over an hour and spoken to Terry, Bethany, Frederick, Tiffany and Kim. I finally ended up with a supervisor, Derek (who didn't exactly endear himself by saying 'I seen in your order history'). Credit where credit is due, he did untangle the unholy mess that Terry, Bethany, Frederick, Tiffany and Kim created, and he managed to do it in less time than I had already spent with Terry, Bethany, Frederick, Tiffany and Kim, but I almost lost my mind with 'I seen' and 'don't got' and my personal favorite, 'have tooken.' (I almost fell of my chair on that one.)

I was a good sport. I participated in the customer service survey at the end. Derek got high marks (they didn't ask about his grammar). Terry, Bethany, Frederick and Kim were in the 1-3 point range and for Tiffany I asked if they used negative numbers. When I finally, gently hung up the phone, I caught Chanda shaking her head. "Glad I didn't have to make that call."

"Their customer service is… unbelievable." At Chanda's look, I added, "As in 'I experienced it and I still don't believe it."

"Or… spectacular?"

I snorted. "Yeah, right."

"I was thinking… you need spectacles to see it."

I love my staff. They're as odd as I am.