Song Inspiration: Just Like a Pill- P!nk

Loving someone like her was a constant roller coaster; the highs were exhilarating, but the lows were devastating. This was the sixth hospitalization this year and I couldn't help but wonder if it would be my last time sitting in that sterile waiting room. Part of me wanted to give up, but another part still held on to hope. How many more times could I go through this before it broke me completely?

"Mr. Evans?" The nurse's voice broke through my thoughts and I was jolted back to reality.

"Sam." I replied. "How is she?"

The nurse's expression turned sympathetic as she replied, "She's awake. Are you the one who found her?"

It was always my responsibility to find her, to bring her back. I was the only one who still believed that she could be saved. I was the only one still… I still held hope.

"She had been doing well." I responded. "Almost a year and a half without any relapses, but then... something must have triggered her."

The woman fidgeted, unsure of what to do with her hands. "I don't believe this was a relapse. Would you mind if I ask you some questions?"

I was all too familiar with this part. She must have fabricated a story to gain sympathy from the nurses. My expression must have given it away, as the nurse looked at me with concern. "What did she tell you happened?"

The nurse gave me a skeptical look before pulling me aside. "She's alleging that her ex is responsible for these injuries," she said, and I raised an eyebrow, prompting her to continue. "She claims he showed up and they got into an argument about-"

"About money, and then the argument turned physical, and eventually they ended up having sex while he pressured her into doing drugs again," I finished for her. "She must have a list of excuses ready; her ex passed away fifteen months ago from an overdose."

The woman looked at me sadly. "Oh… how sad. Well she's asking for her mother, is she here?"

My body tensed, my heart clenching in agony. She had never asked for her mother before. "Are you sure? She specifically mentioned wanting to see her mother?"

The nurse nodded, her voice tinged with concern. "Yes, she was adamant about speaking with her mother - to apologize."

I gritted my teeth, running my hand through my hair in frustration. "Where is she?"

"Just down the hall, but I must warn you-" The nurse's words fell on deaf ears as I stormed off towards her room.

She sat with her knees pulled to her chest, IV tube attached and messy hair covering part of her face. Even with a gash on her forehead, she was still stunningly beautiful. That was my weakness - her ability to radiate beauty even in the midst of her addiction and lies.

She was thinner from what I could see, it had been a few months since I'd seen her because of work but when I left she was fuller, healthier. I stepped into the room, my eyes trained on her- waiting for the false happiness so I would take her home.

"Merce." I say barely above a whisper but she hears me.

Her innocent doe eyes meet mine, and the lingering anger I had been holding onto begins to dissipate. A small smile plays on her lips, and suddenly I feel like a love-struck teenager all over again, remembering that first date when I fell for her completely.

"Sammy." She said hoarsely. "I knew you'd come."

I frowned. "Why did you ask for your mother?" I asked, I knew I couldn't beat around the bush with this and I knew she would try to use the fact that I loved her to have her way but I needed to know the answer.

She shrugged. "I do want to apologize to her." She answered nonchalantly.

I stepped closer, shaking my head. "Don't lie to me." I warned.

"I'm not lying. I'm ready to get clean and she told me when I was ready to ask for her so I am."

I can't hold my frustration. "Mercedes, cut the shit! You've already tried this with your father and I refuse to put Loren through your bullshit. They cut you off and you think lying to them will get you back into their good graces."

Her beautiful face scrunched and her perfectly bowed lips scowled. "FUCK YOU SAM! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! I WANT TO SEE MY MOTHER AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DO THAT!"

"Ahem." The nurse from earlier said. "Maybe we should let Ms. Jones get some rest."

We both ignored her.

"You will not see them like this." I said.

"Oh really? And who are you to decide that? You are not my boyfriend, Sam! You are not my family!"

Her shout echoed off the stark white walls of the hospital room. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath before I replied.

"You're right, Merce, I'm not your family. But they asked me to protect you from yourself, and that's what I'm doing."

She scoffed, leaning back against her bed. "Well aren't you a knight in shining armor."

"Quit with the sarcasm," I snapped, losing patience. "This isn't some silly game! Your life is at stake!"

"I don't need a protector, Sam. I need someone who understands me." She cast her gaze out of the small window beside her bed.

"And what is it that I'm not understanding?"

"That this isn't about drugs anymore..." Her voice trailed off, and for a brief moment she looked vulnerable - a side of her I had only seen in rare, intimate moments.

"This is about what?" I asked gently, moving closer to her.

"I just... I just feel so empty," she whispered, her voice shaking. "It's like there's a void inside me that nothing can fill. Not the drugs, not you, not my mother." Her eyes welled up with tears as she spoke, a visible shiver running through her frail frame.

"Mercedes..." I began, at a loss for words. Stunned, I reached out and held her hand, my grip firm but gentle. "Why didn't you tell me this before? We could have sought help..."

She gave a bitter laugh, wiping away a tear that had slipped down her pale cheek. "And say what? That I'm an addict who has lost all hope of ever feeling normal? That I don't even know who 'Mercedes' really is anymore?"

The pain in her words hit me like a punch to the gut. All like a punch to the gut. Before I remembered what happened the third time I found her. She was good. Oh she was really fucking good.

I took a step back, my eyes narrowed. "You almost had me."

She blinked before rolling her eyes. "I'm not lying this time." She defended. "I didn't do this to myself."

"Neither did your dead ex!" I spat.

"Oh my God Sam! I was seeing someone while you were gone! It's not like I don't remember Matt died! Fuck, you're so obsessed with being this savior that you actually believe I'm not going to date because you don't have the fucking balls to just ask me out!"

She knew exactly how to cut wasn't that I didn't have the balls, it had everything to do with her breaking my heart repeatedly. I turned to leave, my heart pounding with a mixture of rage and hurt. As I reached the door, her voice called out again, pleading, "Sam, just listen to me for once!"

I clenched my fist, hesitating in the doorway. From the periphery of my vision, I saw her attempt to stand from the bed. Despite everything, I couldn't deny the pull of my heartstrings at her frailty. "Who?" I asked after a long silence. My voice echoed around the barren room with a tone that was colder than I intended.

She hesitated before answering, "His name is Tank… He seemed so different at first; sweet and caring. But as time passed, he changed…"

I gritted my teeth but forced myself to listen.

"He became possessive, demanded money..."

"And you gave it to him?" I inquired skeptically.

"Yes…" she whispered. There was an authenticity in her confession that had been previously absent which caught me off guard.

I still cared for her, I just didn't want to set myself up for inevitable disappointment. She knew exactly how to reel me in, make me believe in her again, only to have the rug pulled out from under me each time.

I clenched my jaw before I found my voice again. "If you really want to get clean, Mercedes," I said, "then you focus on that. You get better because you need it, not because of anyone else."

Her eyes hardened as she retorted back. "It's easy for you to say. You don't know what it's like."

"Then help me understand," I replied earnestly.

"There's no point," Mercedes replied bitterly, leaning back against her pillows. "You've made up your mind about me."

"No," I said gently, reaching out to brush a piece of hair from her face, "I haven't. I'm trying to be here for you."

Mercedes looked up at me then, her eyes soft and vulnerable, a stark contrast to the hard exterior she usually projected. She reached up, her hand trembling slightly as it found mine.

"Okay," she murmured, holding my gaze. "I'll try."

The enormity of her admission hung in the air between us. A silence settled, we were both lost in our own thoughts - about the past, present and the unknown future.

I squeezed her hand reassuringly, taking a seat at the edge of her bed. "And Mercedes," I said, my voice dropping down to a whisper. "letting go of this Tank, that's part of getting better too."

She froze at his name, her breath hitching in her throat.

"I can't... I can't just cut him off," she said quietly. "He... he won't let me."

Despite the anger bubbling within me at this Tank character, I forced myself to stay calm for Merce's sake.

"We'll figure it out," I whispered, gently squeezing her hand. "I'm here, Merce. You're not alone."

There was silence between us once more, but it was a comforting one. I watched as she closed her eyes, the stress lines around them smoothing out with each inhale and exhale.

"Thank you, Sam," she whispered, her eyes still shut tight. "I don't deserve you."

"Maybe not," I agreed, reaching up to gently tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "But that's not going to stop me from being here."

She peeked one eye open at me, a small smile playing at the edge of her lips. "You know...you never were good at knowing when to quit."

Giving her a warm smile, I shrugged my shoulders. "Some might call it determination."

But I should've known better.

This is gonna be a roller coaster!