By the time Amaya came back to the base, it was dark and quiet. She walked through the halls, sensing her way to the hospital wing. Her heart was still sore but her tears had dried and that was good enough for now.
She stopped outside the hospital wing, hesitating a moment, before pushing open the door. She walked through the rows of beds until she found Hennix's. Tai sat in a chair next to his bed, reading a book, and he put it down as he saw Amaya.
"Amaya!" Hennix cried. "Where were you!?"
Amaya walked over to his bedside and he reached out his arms, pulling her into an awkward hug over the side of the bed. "How are you feeling?" She asked, sidestepping the question he had asked her.
"I'm alive so I can't complain." Hennix said and Amaya managed to pull off a sad smile.
"Where's Voe?" She asked.
"She stepped out to get us dinner." Hennix said. "Did you eat?"
Amaya had, in truth, completely forgotten about food. She shook her head. "I just want to go to bed. It's been a long day."
"The understatement of the century." Hennix said, and Amaya fell silent, glancing over at Tai.
"Master Luke is still in the bacta tank." Tai said, and Amaya looked away.
"General Organa says we're going to do a funeral ceremony for the padawans tomorrow." He added. "Nothing big. Just a goodbye. She's contacted all of their families. Some might be coming here for the ceremony."
"Okay." Amaya said. "What time?"
"In the evening." Tai replied. "There's no pressure to go if you don't want to."
"No, I'll go." Amaya said quickly. There was nothing she wanted to do less but she felt she owed it to the children to at least have the courage to show up and say goodbye. Surely they deserved at least that much.
A silence fell over the three of them for a moment before Amaya shook her head. "I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you both tomorrow."
Tai nodded and Amaya turned to go when Hennix stopped her. "General Organa told us what Master Luke said."
Amaya turned back to look at them, the open wound in her heart aching.
"We want to go after Ben." Tai said. "Prevent this future from ever coming about. I don't think he's beyond saving yet."
Amaya closed her eyes, struggling to maintain control of her emotions. When she opened them again, the world was blurry with tears. "I was in love with him." She said, and she could tell the words came as a surprise to neither of them. "I thought he loved me too."
"He does-" Tai began, but Amaya interrupted him.
"You don't leave someone you love." Amaya said, her voice breaking. "You don't betray them like that."
She looked between Tai and Hennix, their faces pale and morose. "You can go chase after Ben if you want to die trying to save him." She said. "I'm done."
She turned to leave and found Voe staring at her, holding food trays, shock written across her face. Amaya passed her in silence, disappearing into the corridor beyond.
Ben remembered a time when he'd been enamored by the concept of the underworld of Coruscant. Down below the respectable parts of the city lay an entirely different world. Not even sunlight could reach Coruscant's underworld. The air was dank and oppressive and anyone with a mind to go there had to be ready for a fight. The place was lawless and brutal...but it was also a place where anyone could be free.
Now, descending into the depths of the underworld, Ben struggled to block out memories of his father. Han had not been afraid of the underworld. He'd never been afraid of anything...except perhaps his wife. Leia had exploded when she had found out Ben had snuck onto Han's ship and ended up in the underworld of Coruscant while Han searched for his gambling debt. After that incident, Han had been forced to sleep on the couch for a week.
Ben grit his teeth, shoving away the memories. Snoke was right. He had to cut his ties to the past if he wanted to move on. His father had never had any problem leaving Ben behind after all.
Ben touched down in a dingy alleyway behind a bar Han had brought him to when he was far too young to be going to bars. The owner was a member of a cartel and had connections to many other criminal organizations throughout the galaxy. It was almost certain he would know who the Knights of Ren were and perhaps he could point Ben in the right direction.
Entering the bar, Ben was immediately assaulted by the foul stench of alcohol, sweat, and grease. He pushed his way through the crowd to the door that led to the backroom and entered. As the door closed behind him, the din of the bar faded and Ben walked through the hallway, trying to remember which door it had been that led to the owner's office.
"Can I help you?" A voice asked and Ben spun around, his hand on the hilt of his lightsaber.
Andras Lelitu. That had been the owner's name. He stood before Ben now, an eyebrow raised and a hand on the hilt of his gun. Ben wondered if the man remembered him. He opened his mouth to tell him he was Han's son and then shut it again. He was no longer Ben Solo. It was time he stopped acting as if he was. There were other ways to get information out of a person.
Ben lifted a hand and Andras flew against the wall, his gun flying into Ben's outstretched hand. "Make a sound and it will be the last thing you do." Ben said, pointing the gun at Andras.
"What do you want?" Andras choked out, winded from having been slammed against the wall. Ben reached out with the Force to see if anyone was nearby. They were alone save for the crowd in the bar outside. He pocketed Andras's gun but kept his hold on him, taking a few steps towards him until he was only a foot away.
"Do I know you?" Andras asked, clearly confused. Then again, Ben could imagine the man probably had many enemies. Just perhaps not so many Force-sensitive ones.
"No." Ben said, looking the man over. "The Knights of Ren. Where are they?"
Andras blinked. "How should I know? I don't have anything to do with them."
"But you must know someone who does." Ben said.
"I really don't." Andras said, and Ben could sense through the Force it was a lie.
Lifting up his other hand, Ben entered Andras's mind, pulling out the information he needed by force. The image of a woman and a name surfaced. Estra Kree. She supplied the Knights of Ren with tips and information they might find useful. She would know how to contact them.
Ben let go of Andras and he fell to the ground. Ben looked at him, remembering a time when he had been intimidated by this man. How times had changed. He turned to go when Andras called out to him.
"You're Han's kid." He said, struggling to his feet. "That's where I know you from."
Ben froze, turning back to look at Andras. "You're wrong." He said coldly. "You don't know me."
He pushed open the door to the bar and disappeared into the crowd, pushing through them until he reached the back door. He stepped back out into the alley, tightening his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. He climbed into his ship, his hands still shaking as he tried to input the coordinates to the woman's home on the other side of Coruscant's underworld. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he get himself under the control?
Ben slammed his fist into the control panel, denting it, and hissed in pain. The pain was a welcome distraction and he focused on it as he started the ship and flew away from the bar.
The woman lived in a dingy apartment complex and Ben touched down outside of it. He jumped out of his ship and walked towards the door, reaching out with the Force to find the woman. He sensed her on the 6th floor and walked up to the front of the building. The door was locked so he reached out a hand and moved the mechanism of the lock with the Force until he heard it click open. He slipped inside and took an elevator up to the 6th floor. When the doors to the elevator opened, he found himself in a long hallway with a dingy grey carpet and peeling white paint on the walls. Ben followed the hallway down to the door he could sense belonged to the woman.
Ben opened the door, which wasn't even locked, and entered the apartment. Estra sat on a chair by the window, smoking a cigarette. Her face was crinkled with wrinkles and she looked worn down, as if life had been especially long for her. She looked up disinterestedly as he entered and Ben raised his hand to grab her with the Force when she snorted. "Don't bother. I know why you're here." She drawled. "Andras called me to warn some feral Jedi would be coming by asking for information on the Knights of Ren."
"I'm not a Jedi." Ben snapped, and Estra rolled her eyes.
"Whatever." She said. "I called Ren and gave him your name. Told him you were looking for the Knights of Ren and Ren, he says to me, he says send that kid to Varnak. I'll meet him at the Old Wyrm."
Ben blinked. "Varnak?" He repeated, and Estra let out a sigh, snuffing out her cigarette in the ash tray.
"Yes, honey." She said. "What do you want with the Knights of Ren anyway? They're good customers but not good company."
"What I want with them is none of your business." Ben snapped, turning to leave.
"You do know the price for joining, do you not?" She asked, and Ben looked back at her.
"What part of it's none of your business did you not understand?" He snapped, and Estra gave him a sarcastic smile.
"Relax honey." She sneered. "Just don't say I didn't warn you."
Ben made no reply, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him on the way out. He bristled with annoyance at the woman's condescension as he returned to his ship and input the coordinates for Varnak. He knew what he was doing by joining the Knights of Ren. He didn't need to be warned of anything. If that woman knew what he had already done...if she'd seen the Temple...
Ben's stomach churned with nausea and he shoved the images of the Temple out of his mind, focusing on the flight in front of him. When Varnak finally came into sight, he lowered the ship down, sensing the Knights of Ren's presence and letting it guide him to them. He parked the ship outside the Old Wyrm and entered the building. In contrast to the Andras's bar on Coruscant, the Old Wyrm was not very busy. Only a few people sat at the bar.
"There you are." A voice from behind him said and Ben spun around to find himself face to face with Ren. "I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show up."
He had his mask off, revealing a gruff face. He looked to be in his 30s or early 40s and his face was marked with small scars. Ben wondered how he had come to lead the Knights of Ren.
"I'm here, aren't I?" Ben replied tersely, and Ren laughed.
"Relax, kid." He said, and Ben bristled with annoyance. He was getting sick of everyone telling him to relax. "Snoke says you're interested in joining. You sure that's what you want?"
"I'm sure." Ben said. "I don't care the price."
Ren raised an eyebrow, but he didn't have the chance to reply before a hand landed on Ben's shoulder, pulling him around to face him.
"What do you think you're doing here, Solo?" Ancai snarled, as Ben pulled himself out of his grasp. Ben looked at him in shock as Ren stepped in between the two of them, putting a hand on Ancai's chest.
"Calm down, Morava." He said. "We're all friends here. Right, kid?"
Ben nodded, his eyes still trained on Ancai's face. He looked too similar to Amaya. The eyes, nose, shape of his face...
"You don't belong here." Ancai snapped, and Ben grit his teeth.
"I killed Skywalker." He snarled. "I burned down the Jedi Temple. Snoke sent me to you to learn how to use the Dark Side. That's what I intend to do."
Ren snorted. "Snoke said you would say that."
"What?" Ben asked.
"That you killed Skywalker." Ren said, with a smirk. "Hate to break it to you but Skywalker's alive. Your friends took him to a Resistance base and got him into a bacta tank."
Ben blinked, taken aback by this information. So Luke was alive. A wave of relief crashed over him, quickly followed by shame and anger. He should want Luke to be dead. Luke had tried to kill him. He had deserved to die.
"But that doesn't mean you don't belong here." Ren said, with a glance at Ancai. "Snoke sees a lot of potential in you and that interests me."
"I'm ready to do what it takes." Ben said, and Ancai snorted.
"The price of admission is a death." Ancai snapped. "What we call a good death. Not an accident, not in self defense...premeditated murder."
Ben felt a shiver run down his spine but he clenched his jaw and met Ancai's eyes. His eyes that looked just like Amaya's. "I don't care." Ben said, shoving down the part of him that revolted against the idea. "I'll do it."
What did it matter if he became a murderer? He'd already killed all those children. He'd nearly killed Luke. He couldn't go back now so what did it matter how far he fell?
"You don't care." Ancai repeated, his tone making it clear he didn't buy this claim for a second. "We'll see about that."
He turned to go, returning to where the other Knights of Ren were sharing drinks around a table. Ben glared at his retreating figure. What did he have against him anyway? He hadn't done anything to Ancai except...
"Don't mind Morava." Ren said. "He's been...off for a while now. Distracted. He even let himself be captured by your Jedi friend. What was her name?"
Ben stared at Ren, wondering just how much he knew.
Ren laughed, and Ben realized too late he was playing with him. "The look on your face!" He said. "I'm just messing with you. I know all about your little relationship with Morava's sister. Tell me, how does she feel about you being here?"
Ben grit his teeth. This was the last thing he wanted to talk about. "There is no relationship." He said, the words cutting him deeply.
Ren raised an eyebrow. "Touchy subject then?" He said, with a smirk that infuriated Ben to no end.
"It's a non-issue." Ben said, his jaw clenched.
"Right." Ren said, the amusement in his eyes predatory.
"Seriously." Ben snapped. "She hates me. There's nothing more to be said between us. I've moved on."
Ren snorted. "Well now I'm really convinced." He said sarcastically, slapping Ben on the back. "Come, let's have a round of drinks and I'll introduce you to the others. We'll see how you fit in and if this is going to work out, alright? And then we'll see if you find that good death Morava was talking about."
Ben tried to ignore the hollow feeling in his chest as he walked over to the group and pushed all thought of Amaya out of his mind.
Amaya lay in the makeshift Resistance bed, which was really nothing more than a mattress on a plank in a cupboard, staring at the ceiling. It was afternoon but time had ceased to mean anything. The time difference between the Temple and the Resistance base and everything that had happened since they had left had left her feeling stranded in a timeless void.
She had tried to sleep. She had given it her all but, in the end, she'd only gotten a few restless hours. The funeral service would be starting just after dinner and Amaya had resolved to leave the room in time to eat dinner before the service. She had not eaten anything since arriving at the Resistance base and her stomach was growling. Still, a part of her did not want to leave the room. The moment she left the room, she would have to face her new reality once more. She would have to feel the other padawans' fear, grief, and anger, Leia's pain at losing her only son, and Luke's guilt over what he had done. She was barely holding herself together; she did not have the capacity to deal with anyone else's emotions.
With a bone deep sigh, Amaya pulled herself out of bed and freshened up. She changed out of the clothes she'd been wearing, which were stained with dirt, ash, and blood, and took a shower, relishing the feeling of the hot water. By the time she was finished, it was nearly dinner time. She slipped out of her tiny room and walked through the Resistance base. In the light of day, she noticed things she hadn't before. It looked as if it had been hastily constructed out of spare parts and would leak rain in a bad storm. The people around her were, for the most part, young and she sensed in them a restless energy. They wanted to fight for a cause they believed in, but how much did they really know about the First Order or the fight they were getting in involved in? Were they really all prepared to die?
Amaya reached the cafeteria and scanned it for signs of the other padawans. She spotted them in the far corner and diverted her eyes. She got in line and accepted her ration and then quickly left the room, walking out to the forest. She cringed as she remembered the looks on their faces the night before when she'd admitted the truth about her and Ben. She regretted having said it out loud but now they knew. She hoped they would understand but she knew better than to count on it.
It didn't matter anymore though. She had made up her mind. She would leave after the funeral service. She was done with the Jedi and the Resistance and the First Order and anyone with any relation to the Skywalker family. She would go home to Alfazine. She should never have left in the first place.
Amaya ate the ration, listening to the birds singing in the trees. They seemed so content...so blissfully unaware of the war brewing in the galaxy. She looked up at them and felt envious.
She lay back on a rock, staring up at the blue sky between the trees. She reached out with the Force, making the leaves quiver and shake and then the trees themselves sway as if in an invisible wind. The sound of the leaves fluttering filled the air and the birds took flight, leaving her alone in the silence of the forest as she let it fall still once more.
When the ships started arriving, Amaya sat up, knowing what this meant. Some of the families of the children had come. She could sense their grief, a sadness that could not be measured, in the Force as they landed. She stood up and walked back down to the base, finding a group had already assembled around a large fire. Soft music played and Amaya spotted Luke walking in laboriously with a cane. The bacta tank had worked its magic but still he could barely walk. Leia helped him to a seat and Amaya wondered what she had told the families of the children. My son killed your son. It was an accident, I swear. I'm sorry. My condolences. Was that how the conversation had gone? There was no way to make it sound any less horrible than it was.
"Hey." Tai said, coming up beside her.
Amaya nodded. "Hey." She replied, glancing over at Hennix and Voe, who were joining them.
"You're up and walking." Amaya remarked to Hennix and he smiled as he gave a shrug.
"I guess the Force didn't want to take me yet." He said and Amaya smiled, before turning back to the gathering crowd.
"Let's take a seat." Voe said, and they followed her over to some empty chairs. As they took their seats, the hum of the crowd faded out and Amaya saw Leia walk up to the podium. Silence fell over the audience and Amaya twisted her hands together in her lap in anticipation.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the lives of those who would have been the next generation of the Jedi." Leia began and Amaya focused on the fire, unable to look at Leia's face as she spoke. "It gives me great pain to acknowledge that the lives we celebrate today were tragically cut short. These young Jedi were the hope of our galaxy. They were full of potential and life and shared a deep connection to the Force and one another. The Temple where they grew up was a close knit community where students could learn from one another and feel safe to be themselves."
"If it was so safe then why are they all dead!?" A voice cried out and the crowd turned, murmurs breaking out. A woman stood near the back, tears streaming down her face.
"By the Force." Tai whispered under his breath next to her.
"Who killed them!?" The woman cried. "Why aren't you talking about that? Why aren't you talking about how they died?"
Amaya looked at Leia, her face grief stricken. "A tragic accident occurred during which the Temple was consumed by a storm." Leia attempted to explain.
"Your son killed them!" The woman cried, and Amaya struggled to breathe. She couldn't do this. She had thought she could do this but she had been wrong.
Leia's face was pale and the look in her eyes was one of heartbreak. She put down her script and stepped away from the podium, walking over to talk to Luke. Luke stood up and hobbled up to the podium, looking older than his years. The crowd fell silent as he looked at them.
"As Jedi, we are taught to overcome fear and attachment." He began, and Amaya stared at him, her heart beat quickening. "But rarely do we succeed."
Luke paused, his eyes brightening. "It was my fear that caused this tragedy." He said, and Amaya felt her own eyes prick with tears. "I thought I could keep these children safe. I thought I could raise up the next generation of Jedi without making the same mistakes that the old Jedi Order did."
Luke wiped away a tear and looked at the woman who had yelled at Leia a moment ago. "I am so sorry I couldn't keep your child safe." He said, his voice breaking. "You put your trust in me and I failed as a guardian and as a teacher and for that, I will forever be regretful."
Luke stepped back, hobbling away from the podium and Amaya blinked back her own tears as a man she didn't recognize came to the stand.
"That's Lila's father." Hennix whispered, and Amaya winced. Little Lila who had been sick when she'd arrived at the Temple. Ben had given her medicine and put her to sleep. Now she was dead.
Lila's father began speaking about his daughter, recounting stories from her childhood, and Amaya let her eyes wander back over to Luke. He was hobbling out of the ceremony, entering the nearest structure. Amaya stood up, drawing looks from the other padawans. She averted her eyes and quickly slipped out of the rows of chairs, following Luke into the building.
She caught up to him in an empty corridor. He stopped and turned around when he heard her footsteps, the look in his eyes telling her he knew what she had come to say.
"He only wanted you to be proud of him." She said, tears stinging her eyes. "You were everything he aspired to be and, in his mind, everything he couldn't be. He felt so inadequate compared to you. Savior of the galaxy." She said, bitterly.
Luke stared at her, his eyes swimming with tears.
"He thought you saw him as something to be fixed or as something dangerous to be controlled." Amaya continued. "He just wanted to be accepted as he was but the only time he felt accepted was when he spoke to Snoke. That's why he never shut him out. He couldn't let go of the one person he believed wouldn't judge him or be disappointed in him."
Amaya wiped the tears that had fallen with a shaky hand and continued. "You taught him to suppress his Darkness, not how to manage it, and that is exactly what he did. He learned how to suppress his feelings but he never learned how to cope with them. He just ignored and denied them until he exploded and then he felt guilty for failing to meet your expectations!"
Amaya paused to calm herself down, running a hand over her face. "That's what happened in the end. He exploded and this time people died." She said. "And he feels so terribly about it that he's convinced himself that he's some kind of monster and run away."
"And you know what the worst part of it is?" She asked, letting out a cold laugh. "If he keeps thinking he's a monster, he's going to become one. That idea you, and his parents, and Snoke, and Force knows who else planted in his head, that he was somehow unworthy is going to create the most dangerous weapon in Snoke's entire arsenal. Just as Snoke planned all along."
Amaya fell silent, shivering despite the heat. She glared at Luke and he stared back at her in silence, his face wet with tears.
"I'm sorry." Luke said, at last, his voice quiet.
Amaya wiped away her tears, unable to forgive him. Maybe one day she would, but today she could not.
"Tell that to Ben." She said, coldly. She turned to leave, pushing open the door and exiting into the heat of the outside world. She skirted around the funeral ceremony, which was still ongoing, and made a beeline for the Verity. It wasn't technically her ship but if anyone had a problem with her taking it, they could come to Alfazine and tell her so.
She took off, watching the Resistance base become smaller and smaller down below. She felt the grief of the crowd diminish the further she got away and felt a kind of numbness come over her. She inputted the coordinates for her home planet and watched as the stars sped by in hyperspace in silence until she slowed and the planet came into view. It was even more beautiful than she remembered, and Amaya resisted the urge to cry again. No more tears. She'd shed enough for a lifetime already.
She lowered the ship down onto a large expanse of grass. A castle rose up in the distance, as oppressively large as she'd always imagined. If she squinted, she could see servants running towards the ship, undoubtedly disturbed by her sudden appearance.
Amaya stepped down out of her ship and closed her eyes, feeling the hot warm air wash over her face. She closed her eyes, reaching out through the Force for her father. She found him in the drawing room of the castle, reading the newspaper. She hesitated a moment, overcome with emotion, before steeling herself.
Hi dad, it's me. Amaya. I've come home.