Sorry Guest! XD I wish I could say it gets better but it's still pretty rough...
The doctors closed the bacta tank and Ben looked at them. "She'll be okay, right?"
"Of course." One of the doctors said. "You can wait in the waiting room. She'll be out in 12 hours."
Ben turned to leave, walking blindly through the hospital. He needed to get off this ship.
"Solo!" Ancai called out and Ben grit his teeth and picked up his pace, pushing open the door that led to the hangar bay.
"Where do you think you're going!?" Ancai snapped, following him down the steps to the hangar bay.
Ben didn't stop until Ancai grabbed his arm. Ben spun around, pulling his arm out of his grasp and igniting his lightsaber. Nurses and patients around them screamed in shock and Ben turned it off, remembering where they were.
"I'm leaving, Morava." He snapped. "Don't try to stop me. This is a hospital. I don't want to have to hurt you."
He turned to leave but, to his eternal frustration, Ancai followed him. "I don't get it." He called out after him. "What is wrong with you!? Even after all that you're still going to leave her again?"
Ben ignored him, picking up his pace as Ancai followed him through the hangar bay. "She forgives you. Force knows why, but she does!" Ancai continued. "She's not asking for much. She's willing to overlook the fact that you burned down her Temple, almost killed two of her friends, and accidentally impaled her with a deadly weapon. She doesn't care which side of the Force you're on. She's just asking for you to not abandon her and you can't even do that?"
Ben made no reply, clenching his fists as he finally found the Verity. He swung open the door, Ancai glaring at him as he prepared to enter. "I've never seen anyone so intent on self-sabotage." He snapped. "And that's really saying something because I'm including myself in that assessment."
Ben felt these words hit a nerve and turned back to look at Ancai. "I'm leaving to protect her." He snapped.
"Oh please!" Ancai cried, rolling his eyes. "Don't give me that crap. You're running away because you're a coward and it's easier than facing the mess you created."
"Why are you even trying to stop me?" Ben snapped. "Don't you want her to find someone who doesn't accidentally impale her with a lightsaber!?"
Ancai snorted. "You don't get it." He said, shaking his head. "She's not going to give up. Your little Jedi friends aren't going to just let you go either. If you keep running away, eventually there's going to be another confrontation and someone else is going to die. In case you forgot, we are at war. You cannot protect her by joining the other side!"
"Oh like you protected her by betraying the Knights of Ren?" Ben snarled. "It's your fault she's in a bacta tank right now. If you hadn't dragged her into this mess, she would still be safe!"
"You know she begged me to take care of you?" Ancai asked and Ben flinched. "By betraying the Knights of Ren, I gave you an out. They're all dead and you're free. You should be on your knees thanking me instead of blowing this chance you've been given because you won't get another one."
"I never wanted an out!" Ben cried furiously.
"I know." Ancai sneered, rolling his eyes. "You wanted to self-destruct because it's what you do best. In fact, it might be the only thing you're any good at."
Ben lifted up a hand and sent Ancai flying into the nearest ship. Nurses nearby screamed but Ben didn't look at them. Ancai climbed to his feet, a smirk on his face that made Ben's blood boil.
"Clearly, I touched a nerve." He sneered and Ben resisted the urge to choke him. Instead, he turned on his heel, climbing into the ship and slamming the door before Ancai could say another word.
He backed the ship up and took off as quickly as he could. When he jumped to hyperspace, he let out the scream he'd been holding in, slamming his hand into the dashboard so hard he knew it was bruise. Still, the pain was a welcome distraction and, more than that, he deserved it. Tai was dead and Amaya was in critical condition because of him. He would have killed Voe if Amaya hadn't gotten in the way. Shame burned through him as he wondered what his parents would think when they found out. And they would find out. If they didn't already hate him, they would now.
He couldn't take it anymore. He had to stop caring what they thought. He had to shut out the Light no matter what Amaya said. She didn't know what it felt like to be torn apart. She wouldn't accept that, for him, there was no balance. She held out hope when there was no hope to be found.
Ben pulled out the hilt of his lightsaber and opened it up, looking at the blue crystal inside. He remembered the day he'd found it in the caves of Ilum. It had been back before Luke had lost faith in him. Back then, he'd seen pride shine in his uncle's eyes when he'd come out with his crystal. He couldn't remember when Luke had last looked at him with anything other than disappointment or fear.
Perhaps Ancai had been right. He'd been born the child of heroes, given every opportunity in the world, and he'd somehow managed to fail anyway. He'd failed as a son, as a Jedi, as a partner, as a friend...the only thing he was good at was destroying everything he touched.
Ben took out the crystal and clenched it tight in his fist, squeezing it until it cracked and cut his hand. The Force around him screamed in pain, making it hard to breathe. Red blood spilled from both the crystal and his hand and Ben opened his fist. His blue crystal had turned red and was completely shattered. He felt a wave of loss wrack his body as he longed for the blue crystal he had just destroyed. He wanted it back like he wanted his old life back but both were gone for good and he had to move on or he wasn't going to make it.
He put the shattered crystal back into the hilt of his lightsaber and closed it up again. He turned on his lightsaber and nearly lost control of it. A red light burst out violently with such force that Ben thought the lightsaber would explode. He turned it off as quickly as he could, frustration and fury building up in his chest. He'd destroyed it too. He couldn't even bleed his own crystal properly.
Ben threw the lightsaber at the wall, watching it roll to a stop near the door that led out of the cockpit. He put his head in his arms on the dashboard, not knowing or caring where the ship was going.
Boy. Snoke's voice rang out, an undercurrent of anger in it that made Ben lift his head. Just what is it you think you're doing?
He had been wondering when Snoke would reach out. The fury he could sense in him through the Force suggested he knew what had happened.
Snoke. Ben replied apprehensively. He had killed Ren and then abandoned the other Knights to their deaths to save the person responsible for their demise. I'm sorry, I-
The Dark Side does not ask for forgiveness nor care to receive it. Snoke snapped. If you are committed to it, you will not apologize. You will fix the problem.
Ben felt a shiver run down his spine. Fix the problem? He asked. They're all dead. There's no way they survived-
Come to me. Snoke demanded. If you still wish to be Kylo Ren.
Ben froze, his mouth going dry. He had not told Snoke, or anyone else for that matter, about that name. I know you, boy. Snoke said coldly. I know your every thought, feeling, and desire...and I know how to help you. There is a way to block out the Light. To stop feeling guilt. There is a way to become Kylo Ren yet.
Ben looked at his lightsaber, already broken beyond repair. He could no sooner fix it than he could the destruction he'd wrought on his old life. Tai had been wrong. This path only ran in one direction. It was time he followed it.
Amaya blinked in the bright light as she slowly regained consciousness. For a moment, she forgot where she was until her memory, and the pain it brought, came crashing back down upon her like a ton of bricks.
She inhaled sharply, struggling to push herself up, only to find that any movement at all caused a shooting pain to sear through her stomach. She looked around the hospital room, searching for Ben, her heart sinking as she realized he was gone. Her eyes landed on Ancai, the only person in the room. He sat in the chair at the foot of her bed, watching her.
"Welcome back to the land of the living." He said.
"He left didn't he." Amaya whispered, her voice hoarse from disuse.
Ancai let out a disdainful snort. "You know the answer to that question."
Amaya sighed, a wave of exhaustion washing over her. She had known he would be gone when she woke up and yet, a part of her had still hoped against all odds he might stay.
"How long have I been in the tank?" She asked, forcing herself to sit up despite the pain in her stomach.
"You should lie down." Ancai said.
"How long, Ancai?" Amaya repeated.
"Twelve hours." Ancai said, and Amaya groaned. Force only knew what could have happened in twelve hours.
"Have you heard anything?" She asked.
Ancai raised an eyebrow. "You mean from your Jedi friends?" He asked. "What makes you think they would contact me, even if they knew how to?"
Amaya sighed, running a hand over her face and leaning back on the pillow. "I doubt any of the Knights escaped." She said quietly. She had killed them all. Not directly, but it had been on her order. Guilt pooled in her stomach because what difference was there, really, between them and her own brother. Surely he had done just as terrible things as they had. Surely they had family somewhere, wondering if they'd ever see them again and, if they didn't, that was even more sad.
But what choice had she had? It had been them or her friends.
"Good riddance." Ancai said, and Amaya looked at him.
"You spent how many years with them and you don't care at all?" She asked, not understanding.
"The longer you spend with them, the more you want to run them through with a lightsaber." Ancai said.
"I didn't want to kill them." Amaya said. "But I saw no other way."
"Trust me, you have nothing to feel guilty about." Ancai said. "Do you know how many people they, collectively, have killed over the years?"
"I don't want to know." Amaya replied, but he told her anyway.
"Hundreds, if not thousands." Ancai snapped.
"And you..." Amaya began to ask the question and then couldn't get it past her lips.
"I don't know." He said, looking away.
Amaya fell silent. She didn't know what to do with this information. She didn't want to know what her brother had done.
"So what now?" She asked, and Ancai looked back at her. "You're not going to go back to Snoke...are you?"
"Well, Solo knows I betrayed them. I couldn't go back to Snoke if I wanted to...and I don't want to."
Amaya bit the inside of her cheek, trying to figure out what this meant. "But that doesn't mean I'm joining the Resistance." Ancai said quickly.
"Then what are you going to do?" Amaya asked.
Ancai shrugged. "I don't know." He said. "Take a vacation?"
"Snoke will try to kill you for what you've done." Amaya said, fear curdling in her stomach. "He's going to want revenge."
"Only if he can find me." Ancai said.
"There is no hiding from Snoke." Amaya said, hollowly. "Not unless you can shield your mind and you can't."
"Well you would know all about that, wouldn't you." He said, with a roll of his eyes.
Amaya sighed, gingerly touching the wound on her stomach.
"Dad misses you, you know." She said, looking back up at him. "He told me so."
Ancai flinched and then looked away, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure you can fill the void." He said. "Be the child he always wanted."
"Don't be so melodramatic." Amaya said, and Ancai couldn't help but snort in amusement.
"Speaking of which, what are you going to do?" Ancai asked. "Go back to Alfazine again or-"
"No." Amaya said, shaking her head. "I can't run away from this anymore. I thought I could just pack up and return home, as if none of this had ever happened...but I can't. I can't abandon Voe and Hennix now and I can't...I can't let go of Ben."
Ancai sighed. "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped."
Amaya looked at him, realizing for the first time he might understand what Ben was going through better than anyone else. "But why doesn't he want to be helped?" She asked, a part of her already knowing the answer.
Ancai gave her a pointed look, as if to say the answer was obvious. "Because he wants to hurt himself. He's destroying himself because he thinks that's what he deserves."
Amaya looked away, her heart breaking. In the worst possible way, it made perfect sense. The act of shutting out the Light itself was an act of self-harm. She had been so caught up being angry with him, she hadn't been able to see what was going on.
"You have to let him go or you're just going to get hurt over and over again." Ancai said, and Amaya looked back at him. She knew he was right. It was why she had returned to Alfazine in the first place. But it wasn't that simple, was it? She couldn't just walk away because that would be abandoning her friends and turning a blind eye to what Snoke was doing. Even if Ben never came back, she couldn't leave. Not when she was the only one capable of matching Snoke's abilities. The only one capable of leveling the playing field enough to win this war.
But staying in the war meant she would have to fight Ben, sooner or later. This was something she didn't think she'd ever be able to do. She couldn't hurt him, no matter how much he'd hurt her already. She couldn't abandon this war but she was in love with the enemy. It was an impossible situation and, if Ben refused to come to his senses, then that left her only one other option.
"I'm going to kill Snoke." She said, so quietly that Ancai frowned and leaned forward.
"What?" He asked.
Amaya looked at him, knowing Snoke had full access to his mind. "I'm going to kill Snoke." She said, the message for Snoke himself as much as it was for Ancai.
Ancai frowned, looking half concerned and half skeptical, as if she were speaking nonsense. "Right, and I'm going to become a Senator in the New Republic."
Amaya bit back the anger that rose up inside of her. He had no idea what she could do. There were ways...things she had only thought of in her darkest dreams. Methods she hadn't wanted to employ. Lines she hadn't wanted to cross.
Well if everyone else insisted on crossing those lines, then why shouldn't she?
I hope you do. She said silently.
The Supremacy was larger than he had ever imagined. Every inch of it was polished, sterile, and utterly devoid of sentiment. It was the epitome of military precision and order. As Ben walked down the hallways, he passed rows of stormtroopers, walking in perfect formation as if they were drones and not humans. Generals and lower-ranking officers occasionally passed him as well, shooting him covert looks out of the corner of their eyes, before continuing on their way.
When he finally reached the doors to the throne room, he hesitated a moment, fear curdling in his stomach.
Come in. Snoke demanded, and Ben pushed open the doors slowly, revealing a long room with red walls. Snoke sat on his throne on the far end of it, his pale skin contrasting against the black of his throne.
Ben walked towards him haltingly, intimidated by the oppressive grandeur of the place. He had never seen Snoke in his own realm before, in his seat of power. In all of their prior interactions, Snoke had taken great pains to make Ben feel at ease in his presence. Now, as his footsteps echoed hollowly on the shiny black floor of the room, Ben realized for the first time just how powerful Snoke was. Here, he was Supreme Leader, and Ben was just an apprentice.
He stopped a few meters away from Snoke, unsure how close to get, and looked at him uncertainly.
"Ben Solo." Snoke said, a smirk spreading across his face. "Welcome to the Supremacy."
"That's not my name." Ben ground out, and Snoke's smirk deepened.
"No?" He sneered. "I'm not so sure."
"You know my name." Ben snapped, turning on his lightsaber. The red light blazed to life, coming out in crossguard formation. He held up the lightsaber, showing Snoke his new creation. He had figured out the solution on the way to the Supremacy. All it had taken was a little surgery to the hilt and he'd managed to create vents on either side of the lightsaber to relieve some of the pressure. It still felt like it was close to exploding but, with the vents, it remained stable enough to be usable.
Ben didn't miss the look of pride in Snoke's eyes as he looked at the lightsaber. He could not remember the last time someone had been proud of him. He ate it up and immediately wanted more.
"Who you are is yet to be determined." Snoke said, and Ben's stomach plummeted. He switched off his lightsaber, clenching his jaw.
"I bled my crystal. I gave Ren his good death. I tried to kill Voe. What more do I have to do to shut out the Light?" Ben asked, unable to keep the desperation out of his voice. "Tell me and I'll do it."
Snoke smiled and Ben felt a shiver run down his spine. "Ah my boy." He said. "Only a fool promises to do something before he knows what it is."
"I don't care." Ben snapped. "I'll do whatever it takes."
Snoke looked at him, his piercing eyes making Ben want to recoil. "Kylo Ren would not have saved the girl's life." Snoke said, and Ben froze, a cold block of ice sliding into his stomach.
"Amaya Fall...or is it Morava?" Snoke sneered, standing up and walking towards Ben. "My old friend. I do miss talking to her. It's a shame she so rarely reaches out to speak to me."
Ben clenched his fists, trying to suppress the panic building in his chest.
"The last time we spoke, she asked me if Skywalker's vision of your future was real." Snoke said, stopping just feet in front of Ben. He swallowed, struggling to maintain eye contact with Snoke. "I told her the truth and she...well she understood at last just who you are."
He reached out a hand to touch Ben's arm and Ben froze, fighting not to recoil from the touch. "For a moment, I would even go so far as to say, we shared an understanding of the world." Snoke said, sounding almost wistful as he let his hand fall off of Ben's arm.
"But in the end, she betrayed us both." Snoke said, his voice turning cold. "She used her father's soldiers to murder the Knights of Ren, poisoned her brother against us, and tried to manipulate you into returning to the Light so that you would stay with her. She would drag you down and deny you your potential rather than watch you fulfill your destiny because she is afraid of being alone. She does not truly care about you. She wants to change you...mold you into someone who can fill the role she needs you to fill in her life. I cannot bear to let her use you like that. You mean far too much to me."
Ben struggled to breathe, knowing Snoke was wrong and yet feeling his words carve a hole in his chest nonetheless. Amaya did want to change him. She did want him to stay so that she wouldn't be alone. She did want to mold him into someone he couldn't be and stop him from fulfilling his destiny in the Dark Side. But did this mean she didn't care about him? She loved him, didn't she? He had felt it...
"You don't believe me." Snoke noticed, and Ben tried and failed to shut him out of his mind. He couldn't do it. He had never been able to.
"Think about it carefully." Snoke said. "When you burned down the Temple, what was her first reaction? Concern? Understanding? Forgiveness? No. Fear."
Ben felt his stomach constrict painfully as he remembered that night. "And what came after fear? Anger. She swore she would never forgive you."
"She did forgive me though." Ben protested weakly. He only half believed it himself.
"Do you really believe that?" Snoke asked, reading his mind. "She says she loves you but when you show her your true colors she is disgusted. She's clinging on to this image of you that isn't real because she can't bear the thought of being alone. That's not love, Ben. That's a delusion."
Ben swallowed, suddenly feeling sick because hadn't he essentially told her as much and she has refused to believe him?
"But she knows now what I'm capable of." Ben said, hollowly. "Luke's vision, what I tried to do to Voe…"
"And you are wondering why she still holds on to her delusions when presented with clear facts to the contrary? Well if it were logical, it wouldn't be a delusion now would it? Amaya refuses to see the real you because she is disgusted by the real you. She could never love the real you."
Ben clenched his jaw, blinking back tears. He would not cry in front of Snoke. He would not be so weak and pathetic.
"If you want to become Kylo Ren, you need to cut out all of the people who hate your true self." Snoke said. "Only then can you truly be who you were meant to be."
Ben clenched his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. He couldn't hurt her. Even if she could never love him, he couldn't hurt her. He wasn't strong enough.
"She needs to pay." Snoke said, and Ben forced himself to meet Snoke's eyes as he struggled to breathe.
"You want me to kill her?" Ben choked out, the words tasting like acid on his lips. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't...
"No, no, of course not, my dear boy." Snoke said with a cold laugh, and Ben couldn't help but feel a wave of relief wash over him. "Amaya is special to me. As you are. I do not wish to lose her if it can be helped."
"No, I want you to take from her everything she does love." Snoke said, and Ben felt his stomach turn over. "Her home planet, her brother, her father, her friends…these she has chosen over you. They have her true allegiance. Her true love."
Ben felt Snoke's words cut him, jealousy curdling in the pit of his stomach.
"She has learned to fear the Dark." Snoke said, almost as if to himself. "Now she will learn to hate it."