Chapter Notes: This chapter contains graphic descriptions of intimate partner violence, flashbacks and panic attacks. Please read with caution if you are triggered by any of the above. That being said it's not really a skippable chapter as it fills out some things I've been alluding to and sets up plot points for future chapters.
"Let me make sure I understand" Beard took another sip of the very good beer Rebecca had provided them with "We're burning everything to the ground and then rebuilding?"
"Yes" Rebecca's arms were starting to go numb with the dead weight of Addy slumped in them, her little eyes finally starting to drift closed.
"What happens if we don't get relegated?" Ted and Beard had been tag teaming her with their questions.
"I have a nuclear option but… with relegation there are a lot of club and player protections that will automatically come into play rather than me pulling us out, which leaves us in the worst possible position we can be in. Relegation is best."
"That's why you let Jamie go back to Man City, isn't it?" Emily was right about Beard. The man noticed everything.
"Yes and for more than one reason. I could see the way he was damaging morale. With Dani and the way you've improved the rest of the team, I needed to drop some power from the roster and finally, we could no longer afford him." she sighed and moved over to the playpen in an attempt to lay Addy down again. This time the baby didn't fight her. She didn't miss the way Ted's eyes stay on her little girl with something akin to longing. She can't imagine being separated from her daughter for months at a time. The day or two that she is gone for away matches is hard enough, actually the days at the office are hard.
A quick peek in the oven proves what her nose is telling her, switching it off she grabs her oven mitts and pulls what looks to be perfectly cooked beef wellington, teaching herself to cook having kept her busy during the long months between the divorce and taking over the club. She serves them up on the waiting plates along with the vegetables and mashed potatoes.
She watches in amusement as the two American's poke curiously at the wellingtons. Ted is braver than Beard, cutting straight into it and after a quick sniff shrugs and shoves the piece in his mouth.
Beard is a little more circumspect, inspecting the food on his plate closely. Seeing her watching him he smiles
"He'll eat anything with a smile, I actually make sure it's edible."
Dinner is eaten with only Ted's constant commentary to an amused Beard and Rebecca, but once their meals are finished and the two men, despite Rebecca's insistence they don't have to, are at the sink washing the dishes, do they take up the earlier conversation.
"So, what's the plan stan?" Ted is washing while Beard dries.
"I was hoping you two could help me come up with a couple of ideas to slow down our momentum without doing serious long term damage to the team." Rebecca tops up their drinks.
"We can't ask any of the guys to fake an injury," Beard muses. "Nate will notice immediately if we start dropping our tactics."
"You see my problem then?" Rebecca stands and starts to take the dry dishes from Beard to put away, unable to stay still as she was still working through her astonishment at how quickly the two men had jumped on board with her plan.
"There's one move we could make…" Beard looks between them "Morale"
Rebecca tilts her head to the side and thinks for a moment "There's still 10,000 unsold seats to the Man City match. I could release them to the visitors?"
Just then Addy wakes up and pushes herself up onto her hands and knees, letting out an unhappy cooing sound.
Rebecca nods at a hopeful looking Ted and lets him pick up the baby for a cuddle.
An hour later, Ted and Beard are walking across the Green to their flats.
"Interesting night Coach." Ted is still working through everything he learned about Rebecca Welton.
"Interesting night." Beard agrees, wondering if Ted had noticed all the security at Rebecca's house.
The amazing feeling from Ted's takedown of Rupert and her successful dinner with Ted and Beard flows into the following day, especially when Higgins calls her over to the office window and she sees the boys spelling out 'HI BOSS' on the grass.
Knowing that Ted will be aiming for a specific reaction from her she smirks and calls out dully "Hi Ted"
"Can't hear ya" his distinctive Kansan twang floats up.
"HIIIIIII!" she screams back with a giggle.
Her good mood is quickly quashed when she finally pushes Higgins too far when she orders him to release the remaining Man City tickets to the guests and he quits.
Some of his words echo true, she can see herself going down the path that he thinks she is on. Bitter and lonely, devoid of friends and the only purpose she'd found was trying to hurt Rupert.
Hurting Rupert is an absolute benefit but there was so much more going on. She had received a club that was on the breaking point both morally and financially and she hadn't shared those issues with Higgins. She couldn't trust him with that information yet, perhaps not ever.
"Where were these morals when you were having lunches with me so Rupert could have sex in our house? I thought we were friends. You had every opportunity to do the right thing and you never did. Fucking pussy." all the rage she has been keeping at bay by the skin of her teeth comes boiling to the forefront.
"You're right. I deserve to carry that around. I do. I should've been braver, and I'm sorry for that. I am. But I'm saying this to you now. Stop it."
"He tortured me… for years" she grinds out "the other women were the least of it but a convenient excuse for me to finally get away, they're nothing compared to the constant belittling, to the screaming, the glass I would have to pick out of my skin… the bruises and broken bones and you're telling me you weren't brave enough to say anything… Screw you and your apologies Leslie." She takes a deep breath, enjoying the way his face grows more and more distressed with every word. "Release the fucking tickets or I'll accept your resignation"
With a sigh and a shake of his head, Higgins turns and walks out of the room. Rebecca doesn't see the tears spilling down his cheeks.
"Resignation it is then."
It seems they didn't actually need a plan to drop morale. Rebecca doesn't say it but she knows in her heart that this will be Roy's last season as a professional footballer.
The whole team knows it but no one is willing to admit it. Especially not Roy.
She sees the boys playing around him, playing with 10 and a half men, trying to plug the gaps left by one of the best box to box midfielders to ever take the pitch and they can't.
It's an impossible gap to fill.
Emily's words about Ted and Beard being loyal to a fault are correct. There isn't a whisper of Addy or any of the things she shared with them that night going through the club.
The two men become regular visitors at her house turning up for dinner at 5pm on a Monday without fail.
"Spending time with your little girl… it doesn't make me miss Henry any less but it takes some of the sting away" Ted admits to her from the floor where he sits stacking blocks with the baby.
Beard, she finds, is a man of many talents and his depth of knowledge on a wide variety of subjects means the conversation is never dull. It's during these meals that Rebecca begins to see them as different sides of the same coin.
Heart and head, logic and gut instinct.
It's why they make such an unstoppable team.
On their third dinner, they start to get comfortable enough to ask some of the tougher questions.
Some, she hummed and refused to answer, others she talked around and yet others she answered. Neither men missing what subjects she was unwilling to speak about.
Ted allowed the subject changes while Beard kept those questions in a list that he would try again at a later date.
They can both see the cracks where she has and still in some ways is glueing herself back together. Ted has similar cracks, his divorce fresh, he hasn't even picked up the glue yet.
"Are you planning on introducing Addy to the team?" Ted asks late one night, the three of them sitting on the comfortable lounges.
"I'm hoping I'll be able to at the beginning of next season." Rebecca never enjoyed keeping her daughter hidden, she just needed to make sure Nelson road was a safe place for them first.
A strange gleeful smile crosses Ted's.
"What?" she asks.
"Just imaginin the boys reaction to the little one… that'll be a sight to see. She's gonna have them wrapped around those tiny little fingers of hers in no time."
"I hope so…" Rebecca whispered. Her daughter's first 10 months of life had been lonely. As much as Addy didn't notice, Rebecca did. She could count on one hand the number of people who celebrated Addy's birth.
"What about a start of the season event?" Rebecca asks suddenly.
"Have like a picnic out on the pitch for everyone?" Ted catches on "Oh you're gonna love Beards barbecue chicken wings…"
The rest of that evening is spent planning, by the time they leave, Rebecca is strangely optimistic about the coming months and weeks.
They never ask about Higgins, about why he really quit. She has a sneaking suspicion that they are both still in touch with him and are walking a fine line between keeping Rebecca's secrets and supporting their friend.
She's grateful for their discretion.
Although she doesn't want to admit it to anyone, a part of her does miss Higgins. Despite any cruel words she had slung at him, he was efficient and hard working. He knew the ins and outs of the club better than just about anyone. She simply wasn't ready to go and bring him back. She wasn't ready to forgive him.
What she was waiting for, she didn't quite know yet.
In the end, it's three things that give her the courage.
The first is an off hand story by Keeley, something about taking a shit in a schoolmates locker when she is 13.
There's something about this friendship with Keeley that helps her to see things clearly, see when she's being overly stubborn or a floppy cock.
The younger woman is a ray of sunshine and has become her biggest cheerleader, but doesn't let her shy away from her decisions. It's this that prompts her to start considering reaching out to her oldest friend.
That and the burr that's been in the back of her mind for months. The voice and the words she's been unable to fully make out, the low grade terror sitting in her belly whenever she considers seeing Nora. A terror she has written off as guilt for disappearing from the girl's life for 6 years, refusing to acknowledge that it may be something else, something deeper.
The second is the weekend from hell with Sassy.
We need to talk.
It took the two of them a week to agree on a time and a place. Rebecca wanted to meet up close to home and Sassy was being stubborn.
Finally, they found a weekend that Nora would be with her father and Rebecca didn't have any club business to attend to.
They find an isolated picnic table on Richmond Green late on a Friday afternoon.
"I've been thinking about what you said to me in Liverpool about owning up to the part I played in letting Rupert lock me up in the Ivory tower" Rebecca, took another sip of her water to fortify herself. "It hurt more than you can know, that you would say something like that to me, but then I realised that you don't have all the information."
"C'mon Stinks, just spit it out." a warm feeling settled in Sassy's belly, that big thing that Rebecca hadn't been talking about seemed to about to come out. That reason she hadn't reached out, and was still in many ways hiding away from the world.
"The last time I had Nora over… did she say anything, mention any specific event while she was at my place I mean?" Rebecca keeps her gaze off in the distance and lets Sassy think about her question.
"Yeah, I remember something about you knocking a glass over…"
"It was Rupert… he threw a crystal decanter at her, he threw it at your 6 year old daughter. I stepped in between and it bounced off my back and onto the floor… That's why she thinks I knocked it over… it took weeks for the bruise to fade and every now and then Rupert would dig his fingers into it to hear me cry out and remind me not to try and bring her back to visit… so no Sassy, I didn't walk up the stairs…" She takes a deep, wet breath as a memory starts to float just out of her grasp. "I tried to keep in touch, come over to yours but…" blinking hard she shakes her head, trying to dislodge the words she can hear but not quite make out.
It's right there, along with his hot breath against her cheek and his fingers tight around her throat… tight enough that she's struggling to breathe and spots are flashing darkly before her eyes… her fingers scrape against the heavy wood of the door behind her in panic, trying to find a purchase on something, anything… The hard wood is unforgiving but then there's softness running across her knuckles and gentle fingers entwining with hers. A new voice… so far away but so demanding starts to filter in.
"Rebecca… breathe in 2…3…4… and hold 1…2…3… and out 2…3…4…"
She wants to but she can't, his hold is too tight…
"Don't make me call an ambulance Stinky" What's Sassy doing here in their house? She can't be here, Rupert will…
It's Sassy, telling her to breathe… Sassy who she's missed like a limb or the sun on a rainy day… she can do it… do what Sassy is telling her.
She can breathe…
For the first time in years his words are clear in her mind. Not just the terror they evoked but the words themselves, words she hadn't remembered or didn't want to remember.
With a gasp the world snaps back into focus and she yanks her hands out of Sassy's gentle grip and pulls her phone out of her pocket. Sweaty, trembling hands manage to unlock it and pull up the contacts.
She misses the call button on Lauren's Bitch twice, but the third time the call screen pops up. Placing the device against her ear, she listens to it ring, once… twice… three times and then the generic request to leave a voice message echoes through her head.
"I think I know or… remembered something… I think it's something, I don't know for sure… fucking years ago, maybe 6 I think he said something to me, it was a threat against someone… he said something about Algeria and unwanted merchandise… It's fuzzy, but he said it… I don't know exactly what it means… fucking hell… you knew all along there was something… stuck in my head…" her eyes finally raise to meet Sassy's confused and worried ones "and I think I just fucked up and said something I shouldn't in front of someone I know I shouldn't… fuck me… I'm sorry"
Hanging up the call and dropping the phone to the table, Rebecca runs still shaking hands over her face while Sassy watches her, the expectation clear on her face.
But Rebecca has nothing she can say right at this moment. Her heart is hammering in her chest and she really wants a drink… a bucket full of gin should do it but she knows she can't. Clyde will want her to talk to someone about it and she can't be drunk or even tipsy when that happens.
"I umm, I've kept something else from you" she finally whispers, hoping to distract Sassy while waiting for Clyde to contact her.
"There's more?" Sassy wasn't sure what more there could be, how much more she could take listening to. She'd just found out that Rupert had tried to seriously injure her then 6 year old and brought her friend out of a flashback that was bad enough that she was still considering forcing Rebecca to get some kind of medical attention.
With shaking hands she pulls up the photos on her phone and opens the password protected album that she keeps all the photos of her pregnancy and Addy in and hands it over.
She can't watch Sassy's reaction so she focuses on a knot in the wood of the table, tracing it round and round with the nail on her index finger. She's focussing so hard she doesn't see Sassy's face go through a whole range of emotions to finally settle on joy at the final photo. A selfie dated the day before, matching cheekbones and smiles, the baby's eyes a little more blue, Rebecca's face a little longer.
"God Stinky, she's gorgeous… I'm betting there's a damn good reason you've kept her completely hidden?"
"Yes…" then the whole story of her leaving Rupert came out. Finding out she was pregnant at 44, Rupert's violent reaction and demand she have the pregnancy terminated, finding the courage to leave while he was out of town. Emily's help in getting her away. Hiding the pregnancy and herself away from the world during the divorce.
"Do you want to meet her… Adeline?" Rebecca asks at the end of her story while Sassy is still sitting there glassy eyed and stunned by everything Rebecca has kept hidden for years.
"Yeah…" Sassy finally looks at her with a weak smile "I really would" the moment is interrupted by the ding of an incoming message on Rebecca's phone, which is still in Sassy's hand.
"Lauren's Bitch says they'll be at your house in 2 hours to talk about the message and to make sure your friend is there."
Rebecca nod's and pushes herself up on still shaky legs, pulling Sassy with her.
"Let's go."
Sensing how delicate Rebecca is at this moment, for one of the few times in her life Sassy is silent on the walk to Rebecca's. Her arm wrapped tightly around her friend's waist, worried she'll bolt in fear if she lets go.
They find Addy and Adrianna out in the back garden, enjoying the last of the warm mid spring day.
"Take some time now, Clyde will be here by 5 and you'll probably need to watch Addy overnight for me." Rebecca tells the nanny as she hugs her baby close and waits for the woman to be inside the house before turning to Sassy.
She's fairly certain Adrianna is former Interpol.
"Sassy, this is Addy. Addy, this is your Aunt Sassy…"
The baby is handed over easily, intrigued by this new person. Pulling her phone back out, Rebecca opens the camera and flips it to video wanting a record of Sassy and Addy's first meeting.
"Look at you sweetheart, I am going to have so much fun teaching you everything your Mummy won't. I'll teach you how to climb the trellis so you can sneak in and out, and how much you can water down Mummy's gin before she notices, we'll drink red wine out of a straw together and you, me and your cousin Nora will convince Mummy to take us to Amsterdam to eat space cakes… how does that sound?"
Rebecca laughs "I'll damn well teach her to climb the trellis myself" she calls out, some of the tension bleeding out slightly. She knew from experience it would take days for it to truly dissipate, perhaps even longer depending on the conversation she ended up having with Clyde.
She puts it to the back of her mind for now and focuses on Sassy and Addy.
Just after 5pm, the doorbell rings, checking the security camera her anxiety ratchets up a notch when she sees it's Clyde with a man she's never met along with the familiar face of Marnie Nox, one of his profilers. She was afraid of this.
"Hello darling" he leans in and kisses her cheek gently as she lets them into the house. "You remember Marnie and this is Sean McAllister."
"Pleasure" the dark haired man's scottish brogue caused Rebecca to blink in surprise.
Behind them Adrianna disappears upstairs with Addy and Sassy watches, confusion written all over her face.
"The same spot as last time Rebecca?" Marnie asks, swallowing hard Rebecca nod's jerkily and the other woman disappears into the depths of the house and the rest of them go into the kitchen.
"I'm assuming Ms Collin's is the person you left the message in front of?" Clyde asks.
"I'm so sorry," she swallows hard. "We reconnected recently and I was trying to explain… why we lost touch…"
"Gave her one of the biggest fucking panic attacks I've ever seen…" Sassy interrupts, glaring at the two men.
"It was a flashback" Rebecca confirms, her breathing starting to come faster. Emily had impressed on her time and time again how important it was she not tell anyone the whole truth and she'd just fucked it all up.
"Rebecca, it's ok. We're prepared for this, we knew all along something like this would happen. The only thing I'm upset about is I owe Prentiss 50 quid, I expected you to slip up months ago." Clyde pours a glass of water and presses it into her hands. "Sean is going to walk her through the paperwork and brief her on the basics while Marnie takes you through a cognitive, we're hoping now that you've broken this particular block others will follow."
"Ms Collins" Sean beckons her over to the stools at the bench and they both take a seat "My name is Sean McAllister, I'm an inspector with Scotland Yard currently assigned to Interpol. The paperwork I'm going to need you to sign will give you access to a limited scope of information covered under the Official Secrets Act. Should you refuse to sign, you will be escorted off the premises and no further information will be forthcoming…"
Throughout Sean's speech, Sassy's eyes are getting wider and wider until she turns to Rebecca "What the fuck have you gotten yourself into Stinky?"
"Sign and I can tell you." Rebecca fires back as Marnie comes back into the room.
"I'm ready."
The room they went into was originally set up as a small home office, but she hasn't been able to step foot into it since Marnie had done an unsuccessful cognitive with her 6 months before. When she needed to work from home, she now worked out in the living room. Rebecca has no doubt that after today she'll never willingly come into this room again.
It hadn't changed at all since then and Marnie had set it up the same as last time. Two armchairs facing each other and a video camera set up to record the session.
This time though, a tablet was also set up on the table. Emily Prentiss already dialled into the session from Washington.
"Hey Rebecca" she waves "Clyde's shit at being comforting and we figured it couldn't hurt to have me listening in."
"You know how this works" Marnie and Rebecca sit in the chairs as Clyde hovers by the door. Emily mutes herself to stop any noise from her end disturbing the interview.
"I'm ready…" she really wasn't.
"Close your eyes, I'm going to take you back to that day, don't forget it's just a memory and I'm right here with you and won't let anything happen… now walk me through that day. From the moment you woke up…"
"It was a Sunday, Rupert was in Edinburgh at a friendly match. I decided to go to Sassy's to see her and Nora the Saturday night and ended up staying over. Rupert had been letting me go out less and less without his permission and he rarely gave it. I'd lied and told him I wasn't feeling well to get out of going to the match . He'd already forbidden me from bringing Nora over and it had been nearly 3 months since I'd been to theirs… I went without asking… without telling him and when he called me I ignored him and didn't answer his text messages… I knew I'd pay for it when I got home but at that moment I didn't care… it was like I knew it would be the last happy day…"
"What did the three of you have for breakfast?"
"Porridge… mine had blueberries… and then Nora insisted we watch Frozen again"
"Elsa, Aunt Stinky?"
"Once the movie was over, I knew I had to get home… I had 56 missed calls from Rupert… when I walked into the house it was silent… oppressive, it felt dangerous like looking down a dark alley and you don't know who is waiting for you at the other end… Rupert is in his study, he has a glass of scotch, I don't know how much he's drunk but there's an empty bottle on his desk… he's not happy with me but he's not saying anything… I don't like the silence… I'm in the room with him and he's telling me to shut the door…"
"You didn't answer your phone…"
"I'm closing the door and turning back to face him… oh shit… fuck that hurts"
"What hurts, Rebecca?"
"He threw the bottle at me and I couldn't get out of the way. It hit my shoulder… I don't know if the crack was me or the bottle…"
"Then what happened?"
"Where the fuck we're you"
"Rupert's asking me where I was, I was at Sassy's… he's standing up and walking towards me…"
At the door, Sassy and Sean have joined Clyde, watching in silence.
"You can't stop me from seeing my friends… from seeing my family!"
"He pushes me hard… my head hurts… oh god… there's something wet… it's running down my neck… I'm trying to reach it to check but he grabs my shoulders and pushes me again… I can't… it hurts… I can't…"
Gentle hands reach out and take hers.
"Yes you can Rebecca. It's just a memory, you're safe here. You're safe with me…"
The only sound in the room for long painful moments is Rebecca's ragged breathing.
"My head is pounding… I think I nearly blacked out… his hand is pushing against my throat, I can't breathe… he's leaning in… I can smell… I can smell the whiskey and… his aftershave… Creed Les Royales… it's everywhere… he's pushing… fuck… I can't breathe…"
Marnie and Clyde exchange worried glances as Rebecca's breathing devolves into short sharp gasps.
"Rebecca, you can breathe. Listen to my voice and remember the humming bee…"
It takes several more gentle reminders for Rebecca's breathing to start to even out.
"In through your nose, long and deep… good and hum it out… now go back there, you can breathe and you're safe. Feel my hand in yours, that's your anchor."
"He's leaning in close… I can feel his breath against my cheek and ear… he's saying something… I can't… I can't hear it…" another breath, released with a long hum.
"You try that again, you go near that slag and her little bitch again and I'll make sure they end up with the other merchandise no one wants in Algeria…"
"He steps back and lets go and I'm falling… and I'm on the ground and I can still feel the wetness dripping down my back… it's blood… I'm bleeding… but I can… there's something else… he's on the phone to someone… oh no, no, no, no, no he's telling someone to go to Sassy's house… he's giving them her address…
"Watch the girl… don't touch her yet, not until I give the order."
"He thinks I'm unconscious… he's still talking… about a shipment leaving Hull the next night…"
Rebecca's eyes fly open, the fear palpable, Marnie can smell it.
"Sassy needs to go, she can't be here. If Rupert finds out she's here…" she starts to stand only for all the stress of the day to finally win. Marnie and Clyde both jump forward and catch her as her legs give out and guide her back into the chair.
Pushing past Sean and Clyde, Sassy kneels in front of her oldest and best friend. Hands cupping Rebecca's face.
"You listen to me Stinky… fuck… that saggy ball sack full of shit will get nowhere near us. Nora and I are safe and your dangerous Interpol friends are going to make sure we stay that way. You are my best friend and we have daughters to teach how to water down gin and climb trellis'."
"And eat space cakes with…" Rebecca whispered her head dropping to Sassy's shoulder "I missed you so much… I didn't even remember him doing that, I just knew I couldn't see you."
"I missed you too."
END CHAPTER 7