Total Drama: Hell on Earth

by Vilecheese

After years of dramatic, award-winning television exploiting teenagers, the Total Drama series has gotten greenlit to age up their premise. After all, the only thing more dramatic than teenage problems are adult problems, right? Join 21 brand new campers on this hell-themed season as they all vie to be the last one standing... and hopefully get out in one piece.

1. Welcome to Hell

Okay so...

First things first. I don't own Total Drama. Do fanfics still require people say that? I don't know, it seems pretty heavily implied, since I'm not sure how many content creators post fanfiction on this site about their own content.

Second off, as you can tell by that very uncertain intro... yeah. I've been out of the fanfiction loop for quite awhile. Maybe some of the people that have been here since the Total Drama Comeback days remember me. I don't know. But I'm old guard; it's been 15 years since I've posted my own Total Drama fanfic, which looking back is shit lol. (blows dust off the table) I hope I've improved over that period of time! I've been into a lot of different Survivor-adjacent fandoms and stuff since then, and a lot of them and other Total Drama-adjacent stuff over the years, as well as Survivor fics I've written in Discord has inspired me to write this.

Also, since again I'm old and *hopefully* mature enough, I'm going to be blunt and say that the M rating for this fic won't be for show, as should be evident by the title. I'm going to attempt to go into some sensitive and potentially uncomfortable topics here. All characters are 21+. If you feel like you may be squeamish about brief touches of serious real life issues, there's your warning.

Anyway with all that out of the way, I hope you enjoy. Even if you're reading this far, I thank you for at least checking this fic out. I appreciate it.

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Total Drama Pasastêhokowisiwina: Hell on Earth

Episode 1: Welcome to Hell

(The scene starts as the camera sweeps through the coastline of a new island, one that at first glance doesn't seem too different from Wawanakwa on a cloudy day, until the little details start to add up. The cloudy day isn't justcloudy, but there's a reddish tint to it; the clouds are in fact tainted by volcanic ash. The trees, the animals...they look slightly off. There's an inherent wrongness to them that is difficult to properly describe, as if they've been permanently altered internally. The way they move is slightly uncanny.)

(The scene continues to pan through the somewhat eerie forest, the somewhat eerie plains, with the somewhat eerie flora and fauna until it reaches the somewhat eerie, shoddily built campsite near the coast; seven crude tiny cabins surrounding a marginally more attractive bigger main building. Finally the camera slows and stops upon the dock, upon which at once a familiar black haired, permanently stubbled face pops from below into frame, the cheesiest smile you could ever imagine plastered amongst it.)

Chris McLean: Yo! World famous philanthropist, reality TV host, movie star and winner of all sorts of accolades here again! This is Chris McLean coming to you live for the most exciting chapter of the Total Drama series yet!

(The camera pans out as the host walks off the dock, hands behind his back as he can barely contain his excitement in his new explanation)

Chris: Here's the deal: Total Drama has been a success, nay, a phenomenon for years now. Thanks to my impeccable hosting skills, my assistant's brilliant cooking...

(To the side, another large, familiar man is glaring at Chris, his enormous arms crossed over his purple button-up. He sneers in derision through his pencil thin mustache and tooth gap, his beady mean eyes rolling)

Chef Hatchet: You made me cook slop for those teens...and also the execs said I couldn't be defined by that anymore.

Chris: Yeah 'cause they thought you looked like some stereotype, like (rolls eyes himself) sheesh, people liked the apron, what's their deal?

Chef: Times change.

Chris: (perks back up to his classic smile) They sure do! Times change so much in fact, people have been clamoring for more drama! More variety in contestants! And like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by a CERTAIN COHOST

Chef: (smirks)

Chris: -Total Drama has become so successful that we've decided to take the next step. For the first time everrrrrrr, we're inviting a brand new demographic to this show. This time...all the contestants are adults!

Chris: Think about it; adults have lived longer, they've had more experience with drama, new ways to experience drama, new ways to cause drama! It's the logical next step!

Chef: (to the camera) Full disclosure; Chris fought with the execs for months when they suggested it (chuckles)

Chris: And with a new demographic, we have a new theme encapsulated in a new island. Welcome... (throws hands in the air) to Camp Pasast...uh...

(The camera pulls outward to reveal the whole island in its sweeping majesty)

Chris: (from far away) HEY! Don't do the cool shot until I say the name properly!

(The camera zooms back in to Chris)

Chris: (clears throat) Thank you! So welcome to Camp Pasastee...hokey... wait no (stop and pauses for a second) Camp Paste...no...

Chef: Pasastêhokowisiwina

Chris: Yeah that! (throws hands in the air and the shot pans out again)

Chef: Maybe we should give it a nickname so you stop embarrassing yourself.

Chris: I don't know what you're talking about. But yeah there should be a nickname to make it easier for the folks at home to remember. Camp Pasa, which is Cree for Hell on Earth according to Chef's multiple Google searches

Chef: You'd think that would be one of the languages on Google Translate but nooooo

Chris: When dealing with drama with adults, we gotta introduce adult themes and this season's theme is hell on earth. This island is named after the concept; the titular volcano, see-

(The camera pans to the volcano in the middle of the island, perpetually belching the ash that has been sullying the air with something unnatural)

Chris: Mt. Pasa has a lot of spooky lore surrounding it. It's been rumored it's literally a direct drop to Hell itself.

(A large lava bubble makes a satisfying blorp sound)

Chris: And thus, it's the perfect place to bring 21 brand new, adult contestants into the world of Total Drama! All with a common theme:

Chef: All of them goin' to hell.

Chris: What kind of insane drama will this concoction result in? Only one way to find out, and that's tuning in!

Chef: Or y'know, the author actually finishin' this fic rather than just randomly stoppin' after a few rounds for arbitrary reasons

Chris: Since when do you break the fourth wall

Chef: Since your mom

Chris: Fair point. This is...

(The theme music starts and the camera zooms out for each word of the show's title)

Chris: Total! Drama! Hell on Earth!

---

OUT ON THE LAKE

(Cresting the horizon upon the smoky seas are 21 canoes, each helmed by a single lantern dangling forlornly as the slight breeze pushes them. The flickering lights illuminate the deep fog surrounding the isle, occasionally allowing glimpses of the faceless, uniformed and ultimately miserable interns who have been tasked to row all on their lonesome, their faces plastered straight ahead in resignation upon the task that they were delegated. More importantly however, behind each of these rowing interns was an eclectic camper ready to rise up to the challenge that slowly revealed itself ahead of them)

(Cries of "are we there yet?" and "can it finally be?" and "why didn't I bring some snacks to this boat ride we've been here for hours " rang out from the fog, until one bravely sidestepped the rowing intern to place a hiking boot upon the bow of his canoe. He was a tall and strapping Japanese man with a bandana with the insignia of "冒険が待っている" plastered across, failing to fully hold his spiky black cowlicks from falling past his eyes. Decked proudly in a bright green tattered gi covered with logos of popular anime, and a huge backpack draped with assorted bottles and charms with labels upon them and even a plastic katana sticking on top, he looked ready for just about anything)

(A chyron shows up below this man, reading)

SHUJI - THE SHONEN PROTAGONIST

Shuji: (points to the island that slowly is revealing itself from the fog) Yeah, that's it alright! THAT'S OUR DESTINATION! (raises his index finger to the sky) VALET! Make HASTE for this weary band of travelers for we are APPROACHING our DESTINATION!

Intern: (a slight moaning sound escapes despite a completely unchanged facial expression)

Shuji (confessional): Yo! My name is Shuji, and let me tell you that boy am I psyched to finally be a part of the world famous Total Drama series! You see, I'm a Shonen Protagonist...

(Scene of Shuji facing off against some slimes in a field plays)

Shuji (VO): ...Or at least that's how I aim to live my life.

(A woman suddenly runs up to one of the slimes and picks it up, and the slime itself falls off revealing it's actually a dog that has been put in a costume)

Woman: You are NOT attacking my Fifi! (smacks Shuji with a purse)

Shuji: Ow ow ow! (blocks the hits with his arm) Let me get my levels up lady sheesh.

Shuji (VO): Someday I do hope to find myself Isekai'ed into a true fantasy world, where maybe I can I dunno, pick up girls in a dungeon, or eat something delicious in there, but that's not important. What is important is that to live like a Shonen Protagonist is to live vicariously!

(Scene of Shuji eating a giant slab of meat in front of a bakery plays)

Shuji: (wipes his mouth) Phew, finally back to full HP. I hope there's some elixirs for my MP around here...

Butcher: (bursts out the door, waving his cleaver threateningly) EY! You gonna pay for eatin' HALF MY SHOP?

Shuji: I gave you 200 G!

Butcher: ...Ya mean these PENNIES (holds up pennies with a picture of a dragon taped on) ya DESECRATED ALL OVER?

Shuji: You're welcome! _ (waves goodbye and leaves)

Butcher: Why I oughta... (shakes head and re-enters the store)

Shuji (confessional): I mean yeah sure (shrugs) sometimes I had to do some community service but with the right mindset, that's just another adventure right? It's given me plenty of experience in any case. ANYWAY, that's my message to everyone out there watching. (points to the camera) Live out your dreams. Be the best version of yourself. Treat every day like it's a new opportunity to do something great. That's how I see Total Drama as well.

(Back at the previous scene, several groans of disgust ring out from Shuji's bold exclamation, but there are also a few cheers of encouragement and at least one yell of "you got it, my brother!")

(On the boat nearby is a somewhat older woman who looks towards Shuji with interest, a twinkle in her hazel eye that matched her green cardigan and denim midi skirt. She lifts a blondish-grey lock of hair past her glasses and over her ear as she speaks)

SHERRY - THE SURVIVOR SUPERFAN

Sherry: Oh someone is excited isn't he? (cackles) You wanna race?

Sherry (confessional): Just like my wonderful foremothers before me, the Parvatis, the Ciries...I too come from meager beginnings.

(Timelapsed scene of a teenaged girl with glasses and long blonde hair, undeniably Sherry shows. The television starts off by showing the intro to the very first Survivor season, then everything flashes forward showing Sherry growing older, the room gaining and losing decorations and eventually two children joining her on the changing couch as the seasons continue on until-)

Chris: (barges into the confessional) What is this nonsense? (gestures to the flashback)

Sherry (confessional): It's my flashback sequence, what do you want from me?

Chris: Uh...(mocks thinking for a second) MY SHOW?

Sherry (confessional): (ignoring Chris) So as I was saying, I've grown up on Survivor, it's honestly amazing that my husband didn't divorce me because of it! (laughs) But I'm about to show him by winning this...uh, Total Drama season. (frowns)

(Scene of Sherry getting an invitation to Total Drama and giving a halfhearted shrug)

Sherry (confessional): Yeah yeah I know, it's not the same thing...

Chris: Yeah it's better.

Sherry (confessional): -But damnit I got rejected from Survivor every single time! I've been sending in tapes since All Stars! (laughs) But then Total Drama accepts me? You can't make this up. Anyway since I know Survivor so well, Total Drama should be a piece of cake. (snaps fingers) And when I win, maybe Survivor will finally let me on.

Shuji: (thinks about Sherry's offer) Well it could give the interns a few levels if we raced...

Intern: (rolls eyes)

Shuji: -But I'd rather we stick together as one party for now. Keep the competing to the...uh, competition.

(Another contestant's ears perk up to this and he stands up, brushing off the flimsy red muscle shirt and baggy sport shorts that did nothing to hide his extremely skinny and scrawny figure. He's African and his black hair is shaved in a buzzcut, making him seem even smaller than he actually is. He flexes his arm, a single tattoo with a hamburger with the caption "World Champion 2023" underneath as he points to Shuji)

TRAVIS - THE COMPETITIVE EATER

Travis: You chicken?

Shuji: (cocks his head) What do you mean? I'm a human?

Travis: You seemed pretty dang sure of yourself when you told that intern to make haste, and now when you get a challenge you back down?

Shuji: I just don't agree with fighting with my teammates before we arrive-

Travis: Bro. Bro, you don't even know who your teammates are yet.

Shuji: For now, all of you are.

Travis: But not for long (rolls eyes)

Travis (confessional): Yeah, you see me and you go "hey short stuff, whatcha' doin' playin' with the big boys here, the ADULTS", and I'm like "shut the fuck up, I'm an adult too." Plus bro Cameron won, you don't underestimate the small ones like me. Besides, I know I got game. Check it (points to the tattoo on his arm)

(Scene of Travis in an eating contest, managing to shove in one last hamburger right as the buzzer sounds and getting the crucial point to beat his opponents)

Travis (VO): I am a world champion competitive eater. I've got the trophy to prove it.

(In the scene Travis is handed the trophy, which he struggles to lift but he's still immensely excited, blowing kisses to the roaring audience)

Travis (VO): ...but the trophy's kinda heavy so I got this tattoo to let everybody know. You don't fuck with Travis; the spirit of the tiger is in him baby! ROAR!

Travis (confessional): The way I see it, the only way you can achieve your dreams is to give everything 110%. And that includes Total Drama. I'm in it to win it baby, and I am not gonna accept 2nd place! Not after I got that in the 2022 World Championship, or the 2021...

(Travis actually takes the oar from the relieved intern and begins to row himself, and in his wake are many chuckles and shakes of the head.)

Shuji: Well I like his passion! (pumps his fist)

(One of the people who shook her head makes herself known, laying back casually at the end of the canoe she was riding. Diminutive and wearing what could best be described as greyish-black "pajamas that you could almost get away with wearing in public if there wasn't a huge ketchup stain on the shirt", she adjusts her glasses as she marginally tilts her head in Shuji's direction, her tangle of messy beet red hair seemingly unaffected.)

EM - THE NEET

Em: The only thing I like about his passion is that he's undoubtedly going to tire himself out. Get himself voted out.

Sherry: I think it's going to take a little more than just rowing in front of everybody to get someone voted out.

Em: Oh sorry, didn't realize I would be interrupted by an optimist. Probably shouldn't have said anything.

Em (confessional): (wipes a bang off of her face as she gives a lazy wave to the camera) 'Lo, I'm Emilia but that's kinda a lot of syllables so I just go by Em. How are you guys doing? Me, I'm doing great.

(Scene of Em sitting in her dark bedroom, clothes strewn all over the place as her laptop is balanced upon her potbelly, its monitor light the only thing illuminating the room. Her left hand is frantically dancing around the keyboard while the right is digging into a bag of chips and a jar of peanut butter)

Em (VO): So this Total Drama thing? It's whatever, I mean nobody's ever died doing any of this, and nobody's been even seriously injured except when they're a jackass. So easiest million in the world; I go there, I don't be a jackass, I watch all the jackasses and tryhards get themselves voted out, I win.

Voice outside the room: Emilia, have you done your laundry yet?

Em: (rolls eyes) I'm getting to it, MOM. (turns back to the laptop) Ugh, they just get dirty again the day after anyway...

Em (confessional): Trust me; all that lack of preparation for wastes of time like (uses air quotes) "college" and "career prep"... that's the shit shows like Total Drama exist for. To prove all that's bullshit. The educational system, all bullshit.

Sherry: Well maybe I didn't realize I was dealing with a lazy bitch.

Em: (yawns)

Sherry: (sighs and shakes her head) People these days...

(Meanwhile as Travis continues to row he comes across another man who happens to be rowing beside him. He's the tallest of the contestants yet, with extremely broad shoulders yet another potbelly stretching the sports varsity jacket he was wearing. His blonde hair recedes into a stylish cut, though it's clear his forehead is much larger than it once was, exceeding the size of his prominent chin.)

ULYSSES - THE GUY WHO PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL

Ulysses: Hey, what's your face!

Travis: Travis!

Ulysses: Yeah YOU (points at him, failing to notice that he has stopped rowing) YOU came up with a good idea but YOU are going DOWN! (points downward)

Travis: You're on, uh...what's your name?

Ulysses: I'm the one and only Ulysses! (points to himself) Named after the previous one and only Ulysses S. Grant, 30 somethingth president of the United States and uh... which dollar bill was he on again?

Ulysses (confessional): Check it! (jerks both of his thumbs to himself, flexing his arms as he does so) You're looking at the newest winner of Total Drama bay beeeeeeee!

(Clips of Ulysses back in high school playing quarterback are on screen)

Ulysses: As you can see, I'm a football legend, not to mention (counts on fingers) smart, attractive, handsome, smart...did I say handsome yet? Anyway as you can imagine, I'm very successful in my life.

(Clips of Ulysses getting rejected by women in high school follow, and then a clip of him failing to make his college football team starts)

Ulysses: (jumps in front of the flashback) Hey hey HEY! Don't show them that! That didn't happen! Also, what's with that label thingy below me? (points at the chyron still onscreen) I didn't PEAK at high school!

(The scene jumps back to Ulysses in the confessional booth as Ulysses is still in front of the screen. The two look at each other for a second before the one in the confessional screams and jumps out the window, leaving the one in front to sit down at the confessional)

Ulysses (confessional): Chris I don't know what you're doing (points to the camera) But you better cut it out and give me some RESPECT!

(Ulysses' boat slows down due to his lack of rowing and focus on himself, leaving Travis way ahead)

Travis: Heh. Ya snooze, ya lose bro! (waves to him)

Ulysses: What the- (shakes head in confusion) First off I'm not asleep. Second off, I wasn't done with my intro confessional thingy! GET BACK HERE! (starts rowing like mad to catch up)

---

(Deeper in the fog behind the others, two women are having an animated conversation as their interns continue to carelessly row them to their destination. The one on the left is small, and appeared smaller still as she conversed while hunched over furiously writing notes, her frizzy black ponytail bobbing up and down and the assorted clips and baubles glinting in the lamplight. The long sleeve of her red sweater got in the way as she jotted down her notes, but came in handy when she wiped her tanned brow, nearly knocking her coke-bottle glasses askew)

OCEAN - THE ROMANCE NOVELIST

Ocean: (briefly pauses her notes, looking towards the woman she was talking to for a few seconds) Okay that's great and all, but how has romance changed after all that time? Do people like...still get intimate? I imagine with all the AI around it could make things...impersonal? (taps the tip of her pen to her lip) No offense I mean...if that's offensive, which I don't know if it is! (waves hands out in a sheepish gesture)

Ocean (confessional): So you know that new best-seller that's just gotten some serious news press nowadays? (holds up a book with a cover depicting two handsome men gazing lovingly in each other's eyes from the porch of a beachhouse overlooking a brilliant sunset. It's titled "Summer Oranges", by Ocean Bries) Yeah that's me, Ocean Bries. And no that's not my real name that's my pen name (laughs) But yeah that's me. But would you believe me if I told you...

(Clip of a younger Ocean furiously typing away on a site that is a clear parody of AO3, looking almost manic in glee as she details a very...intimate scene)

Ocean (VO): ...This book was heavily inspired by Total Drama? ...By which I mean it's basically one of my famous fics on Library of Lemons but with the names changed (laughs)

(An older guy who has to be Ocean's brother walks in and changes the channel of the TV to a sports game, sighing in resignation)

Brother: Which two are you writing about this time?

Ocean: Uh... (darts eyes off the screen) You know Tyler from the first season right?

Brother: (grunts)

Ocean: Well there's this new guy on season 3 called Alejandro...

Ocean (confessional): So let's just say...I have a very long history with this show (laughs). And with all the time that's passed, getting slightly more mature I hope, I'm coming into this with a whole new lens. I want to see what new kinds of romance can bloom on this show. I mean, Raj and Bowie was a start I guess, but compared to what we could be getting...

Ocean: (back to the current scene) I assume there's been no new resurgence of bigotry or anything right? Plenty of Achillean and Sapphic couples still?

(In direct contrast to Ocean, the woman on her right was incredibly striking to look at. She was very tall and slender, looking somewhat like a real-life Barbie doll in terms of looking downright artificial by normal human standards. This artificiality wasn't helped by her having absolutely no hair anywhere on her body, nor her skin tone not exactly matching anything seen in anybody living today; resembling something close to a cross between olive and bronze. Her "clothes" seemed less like real clothing and more like a fog of light obscuring her body, upon which countless holographic readouts blinked and iterated. The strange woman kept poking at and adjusting some of these readouts as she talked, her slender fingers dancing around as they zoomed and receded and received info.)

VLOKKE - THE TIME TRAVELER

Vlokke: (doesn't even look at Ocean as she responds, simply continuing to deal with her multiple artificial screens and they assumedly were keeping some kind of info. What info, we can only presume) Well, in those terms I suppose you could say yes, by technicality, but we don't really see them in that way anymore. There isn't really much of a distinction between men, women, and...uh I believe you call them nonbinary still?

Ocean: Yeah...but the intimacy?

Vlokke: Yes, sex still exists.

Ocean: (giggles) Blunt, aren't we?

Vlokke (confessional): It's been a riddle that's plagued countless physicists over the millennia. Einstein, Hawking, and many many many others that haven't been born yet by this point...but I am in fact, the first physicist to do it. I am the first to break the speed of light and travel back in time.

(A scene of a seemingly impossible landscape shows. Everything appears to be made of a cross between glass and light, translucent yet solid yet also floating in a void without the aid of any gravity from what can be noticed, though there is also a bright blue sky overhead...and beneath. All sorts of bizarre people barely recognizable as people traverse this landscape, blipping in and out with their own flashes of light, exchanging greetings in tongues incomprehensible, covering an impossible array of body types and features impossible in today's world.)

Vlokke (VO): It hasn't been easy. I've taken dozens of years to prepare my journey both before and after...wait hold on, your earth years are different. ...Should be approximately 5 of your earth years. Anyway-

(One area of the landscape dims, becoming opaque. The camera ducks within before the opacity became full and we see it is still lit up brilliantly inside with Vlokke and an assistant, a person with traits of a lizard, putting in their own information in their own clothing as Vlokke places herself into a sphere placed along a circular track. They give each other a bizarre hand gesture involving the flexing of the pinkie and ring fingers before Vlokke is obscured within the sphere, which then fluctuates wildly, stretching out to match the track and warping and bubbling and shifting in dimensions unseen until it vanishes)

Vlokke (confessional): Ever since unlocking this secret, it's my responsibility to the scientific community to record all the history that's been lost to time. I've had to learn... so many ancient languages. (shakes her head) And now the rabbit hole's somehow led me to the early 21st century's reality television...somehow. But there's a lot to glean about ancient humans' sociopolitics from this, so...to use a colloquial term, "what the hell?"

(As Vlokke and Ocean continue their conversation, a parrot flies overhead, seemingly interested in what is happening beneath it)

Vlokke: Well...pardon me if I get the timing wrong here, I'm not used to the length of an Earth year. In the current year, twenty...

Ocean: 2024.

Vlokke: 2024. Has intimacy changed since the last era I've been to, which would be... I believe you call it the Industrial Revolution?

Ocean: Uh, since the 1800's? (cocks head to the side, tapping her pencil to her lip again) I don't think so, but...you've missed a lot since then.

Vlokke: I know you've invented computers and the internet by now...

Ocean: ...Yeah (giggles) People do mostly still have sex like they did but there are more...people doing it alone now, if you catch my drift.

(The parrot attempts to land on Vlokke's canoe but a transparent crystalline force projects from the fog surrounding her, and it emits a squawk. Soon afterwards a tabby tomcat suddenly leaps out of the fog and it too finds itself stopped by this force and it howls in fright)

Vlokke: (looks up upon the parrot and cat with mild interest) Well those two animals still look roughly the same.

Ocean: Where'd they even come from?

Parrot: Where'd they even come from? Where'd they even come from?

(A whistle pierces through the fog and the parrot flies back to another canoe, this one occupied by a young man with tattered jeans and t-shirt with a picture of a tiger on it. He unzips a few compartments from his backpack, throwing bags of food around as a wiener dog roots around the untouched compartments, its tail wagging. Finally he comes across a packet of birdseed and the parrot lands, pecking at it. The cat lands upon his straw-like hair and hisses at the parrot, swatting at it but the man gives him a pet and he immediately relaxes, giving a content purr)

RALPH - THE ANIMAL LOVER

Ralph: (rubs the back of his head as he shouts over to the two women) SORRY ABOUT THAT! Macie loves meeting new people and Skimbles is well...

Skimbles: (opens an eye, giving Macie the parrot a contemptuous glare but the dog gives a bark and he looks away, continuing to snuggle against Ralph's hair)

Vlokke: ...I take it pet owners haven't changed much in that time either...

Ralph: (pouts) I take very good care of my pets! (grabs the dog and gives her pets) Good girl Augie.

Vlokke: (turns to Ocean) Does Augie mean anything?

Ocean: Hannah Barbara cartoon. And Skimbles is from the Cats Musical.

Vlokke: Musical...cartoon... (her databanks whir)

Ralph (confessional): Every season, time after time, again and again and AGAIN I watch Total Drama and see...such disrespect for the beautiful animals endemic to these islands!

(A montage of clips plays of Ralph going around the world helping animals play, as he wraps a bandage around a lion's paw, he feeds a block of wood to a termite mound, and he saves a duckling from an oil spill)

(As another clip plays, this one of Ralph knitting a sweater for a mink that has notable patches of fur missing, he continues to narrate)

Ralph (VO): I've dedicated my life to helping all animals, great and small. Beloved and reviled. They all deserve to thrive no matter what the rest of our species thinks...or doesn't think and simply just go on with their lives, ignoring the damage they're all carelessly causing!

(A clip plays of a small boy being locked out of his house in a cold winter night. He shivers, his coat quickly getting soaked through and just as he's about to die from hypothermia a deer nuzzles him, snuggling with him for warmth)

Ralph (confessional): The only reason I'm still here today is because of the kindness of nature... (wipes a tear) I can only imagine the reason nature spared me was she knew I would be the best to dedicate his life to repaying the favor.

(Booming beats now blast through the fog as two more people reveal themselves, cheering and dancing at the display they are witnessing. The girl is covered with garish fluorescent neons from her glowing bracelets, ripped fishnet, leggings, mismatched sneakers and graffitied halter top revealing her flashing navel piercing. Her beanie only allows a few wisps of colored hair through, juxtaposed by batting back and forth over her Bindi revealing her Indian ethnicity.)

(The man continues to dance as well, throwing his considerable weight around as his tight black T-shirt with a picture of a cartoony silhouetted island keeps flipping up to reveal a large potbelly that is tattooed with Māori symbols. He has the broad build fit for his weight with long black hair styled in a mullet that also flips around as he moves and he hollers)

SAMIRA - THE PARTY ANIMAL

(A confessional of the girl starts first, showing her amidst a rave; her natural habitat)

Samira (confessional): Listen up. Life's a journey for everyone bruvs, and it won't always be easy. Shit's gonna happen.

(The lights of the rave shut off one by one and as each light dims, the silhouettes of the people she was partying with disappear, until after they all turn off she's left all alone in darkness. The music stops, she stops dancing. Everything is still and silent.)

Samira (VO): That's why you gotta squeeze all the good you can find in life and savor every...last...drop.

(Sirens wail and flash on screen, a silhouette of an older man that resembles her is shown being handcuffed and sent to jail. This is followed by flames licking the bottom of the screen, flaring up until they cover the entire screen, and it transitions into Samira, tear-stained looking upon a house on fire. Sure, there are a faceless mass of firefighters marching in and others dousing the flames, but they're too late. They always were.)

Samira (confessional): ...Because it won't last. But don't worry too much bruvs; neither will the bad. (pulls out a fluorescent blue bong and begins to light it up) Learn to love the bad, because it makes you who you are bruvs. (takes a puff and slowly exhales, rings of smoke forming) And it makes the good...all that much more important.

Samira: Yo, bruuuuuuvvvvvvs! (waves excitedly as her music continues to amp up in intensity, making it hard to hear her despite the yelling. Skimbles is clearly perturbed by the music, his hair standing on end as he leaps off Ralph and lands in the water, which only serves to agitate the frazzled tomcat further as it thrashes about yowling. Macie meanwhile flutters across the sky battling the winds of the music, while Ralph gets Augie to paddle out and rescue Skimbles)

Ralph: (Grabs hold of a shivering Skimbles and turns furiously towards the music) Can you TURN OFF THAT INFERNAL RACKET? YOU'RE HURTING THE ANIMALS!

Samira: (continues dancing) YEAH WE ARE ALL ANIMALS! LET'S PARTAAAAAYYYY!

(The Samoan man however gives a quick frown as he actually heard what Ralph said and gives a glum frown)

GAVIN - OWEN 2.0

Gavin: (whines) Aw maaaaaaan! (turns to Samira) He said the party's over. We don't want to hurt the guy's pets.

Samira: (finally gets the message and turns the music off) Really? Bummer, man...

Gavin (confessional): You see me, you get to know me, and it's easy to see that I'm a simple man. I love life, I love friends, I love new experiences...

(Clip of Gavin in the center of a birthday party that is clearly not his, being cheered on by a large group to CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! as he guzzles down an extra large bottle of soda while stuffing in some potato chips between gulps)

Gavin (VO): ...And well, by "experiences"...yeah most of the time I mean food.

(Gavin finishes off the soda and chips and lets out a gargantuan burp amidst raucous cheering. A girl is off to the side wearing a party hat and looking quite glum as nobody is paying her any attention)

Gavin (VO): In fact, a lot of people have compared me a lot to Owen from Total Drama. Yeah, Total Drama's always been a big thing in my friend group and it's like, I can't really argue against it (chuckles) I like to think we have the same love of life and food and kindness, but also can be just a touch naive...but we mean well.

(In the clip Gavin notices that the girl is lonely and offers her a slice of cake that has a bite in it. She gives a contemptuous glare and Gavin sheepishly rubs the back of his head)

Gavin (confessional): So when Total Drama got revived and started recruiting adults, I wasn't... too surprised that I was invited, seeing as how successful and popular Owen was. And hey, I figure...if it worked for him, surely it'll work for me right? Make friends, hang out, have fun, and most importantly stay out of the drama and I could walk out of this a millionaire, and with new friends!

Vlokke: So that's what people are listening to nowadays, hm? (points lazily towards the two partiers as she faces Ocean again)

Ocean: Well, some people do...

Ralph: (wringing out Skimbles) The inconsiderate people... (rolls eyes)

Gavin: Hey, I'll help you dry out your cat if you want!

Ralph: I don't want, and he doesn't want.

Gavin: (shrinks back) Okay sorry.

Samira: Sorry 'bout that homes. Name's Samira, yours?

Ocean: Ocean Bries...you've heard of me?

(Samira and Gavin give each other dumbfounded looks)

Vlokke: You can call me Vlokke.

Gavin: What does that mean?

Vlokke: (looks annoyed)

Ralph: (still drying off Skimbles) I'm Ralph, this is Skimbles, this is-

Gavin: (whispering to Samira) I don't think we got on the right foot, or with the right people...

Samira: (whispering back) Bruv I'm never gonna remember any of these names. (lights up a bong)

Vlokke: And what is that exactly? I don't see any nutritional value in-

Ocean: (quickly) We'll discuss what that is later okay? Okay.

---

(Way in the back of the pack, a lone canoe swerves back and forth to the whims of its passenger. The others looked back upon this passenger initially, but over time simply got used to the strange request and paid him no mind, as in their minds there wasn't really much to talk about and none of them really wanted to address the odd fellow. He was the smallest of all of them, draped in a red and black cloak and clad in a top hat and suit which would've looked impressive on most who would dare wear such flamboyant clothes out on an island, but the young man was shivering with the cloak draped around him, looking cold despite the volcanic fog making the surrounding temperature quite balmy. He nervously scratched at the patchy beard and mustache he so desperately tried to grow out as the intern gave him a backwards glance)

Intern: You okay buddy? Seasick?

DEMYTRIUS - THE KLEPTOMAGICIAN

Demytrius: (shakes his head vigorously)

Intern: (dryly) Well I am, so let me know when I can stop doing this stupid ass rowing back and forth shit and we can get back to our lives

Demytrius: Quiet, I'm still looking for an opening...

Demytrius (confessional): (reveals himself in a flourish of his cape, looking far more pleased with himself than on the canoe) Ladies and gentlemen! Boys, girls, and everything else! I present to you...the Amaaaaaaaazing Demytrius! (makes quiet "audience" sounds from the side of his mouth)

(A clip plays of the man walking down the sidewalk in a... less than ideal neighborhood, primarily with Slavic immigrants. A glint appears in his eye as he spots an older woman and in a flash he pulls out a coin, flipping it until it lands in front of the woman with a tiny "clink")

Old Woman: (clutches her purse tightly as she examines the coin that just dropped) Is my purse leaking again? Any NO GOOD HOOLIGANS trying to STEAL from an INNOCENT OLD LADY?

Demytrius: (snickers silently to himself as he is already holding the old woman's necklace)

Demytrius (VO): For my first trick, I'll make these clowns' chances of winning the million dollars... disappear.

(Another clip shows of Demytrius getting caught by the police and getting thrown in one of those temporary jail cells. He pleads with them, giving them puppy-dog eyes until two officers give each other looks, shrug, and offer him some waivers)

Demytrius (VO): Well okay I've got a lot more tricks than that to be fair. I'm small, I'm sneaky, I'm conniving. I started out in trouble with the law, but with a little canoodling I've convinced the local cops to allow me to perform community service...in a magic show. And the rest...is history.

(Montage plays of Demytrius first being an apprentice to a professional magician with a curly mustache. He gets Demytrius to bring an audience volunteer to the stage and the camera shows their wallet getting swiped. Then Demytrius under a different magician is about to be sawed in half, and when he's placed in the box he vanishes. The magician looks confused for a second before bowing before the applauding audience)

Demytrius (confessional): I still have that man's magic license to this day (cackles, holding up a card saying "professional magician" with his mugshot) Not that he needs it back, seeing as he died of natural causes not long afterward. (shrugs) Anyway, I consider myself to be turning a flaw into an asset. What was once considered a crippling psychological disorder is now a lucrative career for me. (smirks) How's that for a magic trick?

Demytrius: (whispering to his intern, pointing at a lone figure in the fog) There! She's all alone at last!

Intern: (rolls eyes) Finally... (casually vomits from the side of the canoe as he steadies it and rows forward, until the new contestant is brought into clearer focus and the smell of freshly baked muffins becomes intoxicating)

(The woman is humming a jaunty tune to herself as she pops a muffin whole into her mouth, fitting easily within her round red freckled cheeks. They were almost as red as the fiery plait that trailed down her vast backside, covering the illustration of a cartoony leprechaun resembling a college mascot, but not being the real one because of copyright laws. As Demytrius' canoe approached closer it was apparent just how comical the size difference between the two of them was; this contestant was by far the largest of them all, requiring an extra-large canoe as she certainly would've capsized otherwise. She towered far above not just Demytrius but the three interns rowing her canoe, and she had a naturally massive figure even outside the fact that she was very overweight.)

Demytrius: (chuckles to himself) She probably wouldn't even notice if I... (with a flourish of his cape he silently leaps off his canoe and latches onto her back, her plait whacking him in the face as he does so, but it's clear that he underestimated her as before he knew it she yanked him off her back and placed him in front of her, giving him a big friendly smile as she looked down upon him.)

PATTY - THE SWEET BAKER

Patty: Oi, ye wanna muffin, lad? (holds up one in front of him) Already gave 'em ta just 'bout everyone else right?

Intern: (in between mouthfuls of muffin) They're pretty good.

Demytrius: Uh... (cups out his hands in front of him) Sure?

Patty: Where were ye when I was passin' 'em out?

Demytrius: (chuckles) Oh come on, you know that I had to prepare for my introduction. Magician's folly.

Patty: Quite.

Patty (confessional): Greetin's t'all o'ye out there (gives a hearty wave) Name's Patty, 'n ya know why I'm here; with that good fer nuthin' Chef 'round, someone's gotta give this show some good food!

(Montage plays of Patty working on the construction of a small quaint cottage on the edge of her quaint Irish town.)

Patty (VO): Well that 'n I could sure use th' money fer my dream. See, Patty's Cakes is a wee bit... (looks to the side sadly) underfunded, 'n both th' exposure 'n the money could pay fer the expenses. Turns out, I need a lotta space ta cook 'n it's not like every kitchen contractor's gonna build is...suitable.

(Patty places a plain wooden sign reading "Patty's Cakes" on top of the half-constructed bakery, which immediately becomes crooked. She squeezes through the door and starts cooking but the bakery collapses around her, leaving just her cooking in a detached stove with piles of broken wood beams around her)

Patty (confessional): Plus it's not like (muttering to herself in contempt) mum 'n dad are gonna help... (perks up immediately) But here I've got a fresh start! These new people gotta love my cookin'.

Patty: (plops down in front of Demytrius, shaking the canoe a bit as she rubs her hands together) So Mr. Magician man, what's yer name?

Demytrius: (makes grand dramatic sweeping gestures with his cape) You may call me the Great and Powerful Demytrius!

Patty: (tilts head to the side) ...Like Dimitri but weird? Why?

Demytrius: (dramatically covers himself with his cape, only his eyes showing) Ask my parents.

Patty: I'll be sure to. Name's Patty by the way. Show me a magic trick!

Demytrius: (gives a smirk as he strokes his scruff) Gladly. (claps his hands as smoke starts to billow from his sleeves) Presto Disappearo! (he lifts his hands and the smoke completely covers him, and when it lifts he is gone.)

Patty: (claps) Not bad Mr. Magician. Now then... (looks back towards her tin of muffins, which have disappeared) It would be nice if ye accepted the one muffin I graciously offered...

Demytrius: (is back on his canoe, holding the entire tin of muffins) Too. Easy. (smirks as he takes a bite out of a muffin...and his face promptly turns beet red, flames spewing from his nostrils and eyes watering. He instinctively dunks his head in the lake and bubbles surface around his head from his pained screams)

Patty: (turns around and lets out a loud guffaw) Nice trick Mr. Magician. Takes one to know one!

Demytrius: (resurfaces, giving Patty a glare)

Patty: (holds out a bottle of hot sauce and waves it mockingly) Of course my famous trick is Abraca-hot sauce.

Demytrius: (chuckles despite himself) Well played.

---

(Amicable chatter is heard amongst a large, tightly knit group of six canoes and the smell of freshly eaten muffins also faintly permeated the foggy air around them. Behind them looking quite nervous was the contestant riding a seventh canoe. The fidgeting was repetitive and constant; a tip to the left or a tip to the right of his cowboy hat, a straightening of the loud plaid bowtie upon his chest, a comb twirling around his dirty blond mustache and goatee and even the occasional spritz of breath spray but it didn't seem to satisfy him. He looked down at a picture of a similarly dressed man, his smile huge and exemplifying his crows' feet and couldn't bring himself to mirror the expression.)

CHARLES - THE NEPOBABY

Intern: Pretty sure you're plenty ready there ol' Charlie (chuckles)

Charles: Y'all know full well I ain't...

Charles (confessional): Eeeeyup (hooks his thumbs under his brown leather jacket, trying to look proud of himself) I don't think I need no introduction. (clears throat) Charles Muskerzos. Ya know my pa.

(Clips play of Charles' father, previously seen in the photograph being hounded by the press, his smile reflecting all the camera flashes. Magazines and newspapers spin into frame, showing the man having done many... many things. Headlines such as "Muskerzos revolutionizes the world!" "Muskerzos hires ACTUAL MONKEYS? details on page 11" "Muskerzos becomes the richest man in the world" "I highly disagree with Muskerzos' politics and you should too" are prominently shown)

Charles (VO): ...Or rather ya knew my pa. Probably better than I did. And of course, ya know what happened to him.

(The scene goes to silhouette as a shadow of the man clutching his heart and passing out is shown, followed by paramedics taking him in an ambulance. More newspapers and magazines pass by the screen with headlines such as "Muskerzos in Critical Condition" and "Muskerzos' Fad Diet Turns Against Him?! 'I Knew It' says local opinionated person" are shown)

(Shot of a cardiogram flatlining)

Charles (VO): 'N all of a sudden, all of it... Every single cent, every single company... thrust entirely upon me...

(Shot of a rioting mob outside a mansion in the middle of a Texas ranch. Charles' face briefly peers out from one of the windows before shrinking back in as an axe strikes right next to it. The riot starts to break up as the perpetrator is caught and people are shocked at what just happened)

Charles (confessional): Ya may have heard of me, ya may hate me, but what y'all don't know is why I'm here. And that's to prove that I ain't my pa, and prove I deserve and can handle everythin' I've been given.

Charles: Alright, easy now... (peering into the fog, placing a hand over his eyes as he squints, his other hand hanging onto his cowboy hat) There's gotta be a reason those six are all close-like...'n maybe just maybe they'll wanna seventh badly enough to let me in...

(The camera shifts to the six canoes in front of Charles, each with an occupant looking quite content as they finish eating their muffins and resume their conversation. The first to talk is a tall, tweedy young man with the kind of conservative dress one would expect to see from a very prestigious, Ivy League College. Though he did look quite unsure of himself as he kept absentmindedly pushing down his socks, which were notably mismatched; one black, one white. His matted dark brown hair, thick-rimmed glasses and peach fuzz on his lip made his nerdiness all the more apparent.)

MELVIN - THE INDECISIVE

Melvin: Are you sure we should be forming an alliance before the game even starts?

(He directed this question to the woman at his right, in the center of the group who simply gave him an incredulous look. Her business suit, tie, and skirt were ironed to perfection, her shoes so black as to look like voids, yet also shiny enough to even reflect the dim lantern light surrounding them all. The only thing on her that caught more light was the nameplate she pinned onto her breast pocket reading "Ms. Kingsley". Topping off the look of professionalism she opted to cut her hair so short it was nearly a buzzcut yet still was styled remarkably chic. She sat up even more erect as she prepared to answer Melvin's question, which didn't even seem possible.)

KINGSLEY - THE SELF-MADE WOMAN

Kingsley: If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't be doing it now would I Melvin?

Melvin: (quails under her look) Uh, w-well maybe I should've rephrased that-

Kingsley: You are the one that's unsure.

Melvin: Well...uh, yeah, I suppose (looks forlornly at the crumbs left over by his muffin) I miss when this conversation was more fun...

Kingsley: Weren't you just done saying you went to your...what was it, third Ivy League College?

Melvin: (raises finger) I mean...uh, I don't know if that's quite the ringing endorsement you think it might be-

Melvin (confessional): Okay, so am I smart? (taps fingers together) I mean who's to really say? People definitely think I am, but like, there are so many ways to be intelligent, it's like...how do you even answer that question? Yeah, I've been accepted to Yale, my third Ivy League College sure...

(Montage plays of Melvin in Oxford and Brown taking all sorts of different classes. He keeps raising his hand, answering questions as the professors look excited at his apparent knowledge. He is studying one night as the clear sounds and lights of a huge party emanate from underneath his dorm door.)

Melvin (VO): But like...most people can just go to one and suddenly they know what they want to do with their life, right? I've never figured that out, so am I really smart? I mean sure I've gone to all of these classes and learned all this stuff, but what do I want to do with all this stuff?

(At a graduation ceremony, Melvin happily shakes the hand with his dean who hands him a diploma. He looks to it hopefully before quickly realizing it wasn't what he really wanted. The diploma reads "Melvin Dithers, certified diploma in Who the Fuck Knows Degree in Your Guess is as Good as Mine Major")

Melvin (confessional): (is holding this same diploma in the present day) And now I'm in Yale and I don't know if this is going to help me figure anything else out...or if Total Drama will. Maybe it will? I don't know mom thought it would be a good idea and I don't have anything else to do this summer.

Kingsley (confessional): Greetings, my name is Ms. Kingsley and I will be winning this show, thank you very much. (crosses her legs) You see...Total Drama has this rather unfortunate habit of casting actually mentally slow people, to the degree that anyone who has even the slightest grasp of a singular strategic thought always makes it to the final 4 at minimum. And I assure you: (leans closer to the camera) I am overqualified in that department.

(Montage of a younger Kingsley in cheap overalls and dreads grumbling as she is mopping the floor of an office building. A few older men walk by, giving her a wolf whistle and jeering. The scene then shifts to her counting a large sum of money as a different man is shoved roughly into a courtroom by a bailiff)

Kingsley (VO): You see, I know strategy because it is my entire life. Without the same social maneuvering, organization of numbers, and carefully selected withholding of information these losers casually attempted to pick up for a mere game, I would not be anywhere near where I am today.

(A large man is shown yelling into a phone from his office as Kingsley walks by with a coffee. Time passes, the sun sets and rises again and the man is gone, replaced by Kingsley who places her nameplate upon the desk and takes a seat at the chair, reclining and smirking.)

Kingsley: Well in my eyes at least, it's a ringing endorsement. There may be smarter people on this planet somewhere, but out of the contestants on this season, it's likely you and Parker over there are the smartest. (points to the other young man sitting in the canoe beside Melvin, raptly hanging onto every word she's been saying)

(While less obviously nerdy than Melvin, Parker still wore some of his geekiness on his sleeve...or rather on his clothes, as he was wearing a cheap leather jacket, hat over his unruly blond hair, and fanny pack all with stickers and pins of popular female anime and cartoon characters. He was involuntarily knocking his white sneakers together and held his hands on the knees of his jeans as he tried to pay his fullest attention to the new information being delivered; so much so that the phone he was taking notes on previously lay forgotten by his side.)

PARKER - THE INCEL

Parker (confessional): ...What the fuck Chris

Chris: (pops into the confessional with a bucket of popcorn, in the midst of chewing on a kernel) What?

Parker (confessional): I'm not an incel.

Chris: (nods) Uh huh. Tell me Parker; have you ever had sex with another person?

Parker (confessional): Well no, but-

Chris: And would you like to? (tosses another kernel in the air and catches it with his mouth)

Parker (confessional): I mean yes but-

Chris: In. Cel.

Parker (confessional): I'm not a fucking neckbeard Redditor or whatever though (rolls eyes) Look, can you change it so people don't get...the wrong idea or anything?

Chris: Why would I do that?

Parker (confessional): Because if you don't change it, I'll never reveal my backstory and this season will grind to a screeching halt since this is a fanfic and all-

Chris: You too? (groans) Fine. Have it your way.

PARKER - THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC

Parker (confessional): Yeah that's fine...regrettably

Chris: Regrettably since this label is so cliche and doesn't roll off the tongue nearly as well, but... (shrugs, throwing another piece of popcorn in his mouth) Go on with your backstory, or whatever.

Parker (confessional): Well truthfully, there isn't really a whole lot to it, I dunno (shrug)

(Montage of Parker going on dates with various women and a few men of all types as they all go awry in some fashion. One lady rolls her eyes as they chat at a diner, excusing herself to go to the bathroom only to jump out the window as Parker expectantly waits for her to return until he's forced out by the staff as the diner closes)

Parker (VO): I'm just going to straight out say it; I came out here for a showmance. Because, and I really can't say whether it's my fault, the fault of the women I keep finding myself attracted to, some combination...but it's just never worked out, and if there's one thing Total Drama's known for, it's their couples. Granted not all of them work out either but a lot of them do and I can only imagine they brought in some really interesting people for ratings for this big revival for adults, so... (shrugs) I tried everything else so what the hell, right?

(The montage continues with a woman tripping over her high heel and breaking her neck, getting sent to the hospital as Parker sobs. This is followed by a man and the two of them talk for a bit before realizing they just aren't into it. This is followed by another woman where the diner they're at inexplicably becomes haunted and they barely escape from killer animatronics. The girl says it's the worst date of her life and leaves, and once again Parker is devastated.)

Parker (confessional): Maybe someday... (sighs wistfully)

Melvin: (looks at Parker incredulously) Do you really think (jerks thumb) he's one of the smartest ones here?

Parker: (looks insulted) Hey. You don't know me buddy.

Melvin: And Kingsley does?

Parker: Maybe you should trust her Poindexter, seeing as so far she's the one smart enough to think of making a day 0 alliance in the first place.

Melvin: Like I said I have my reservations...

Kingsley: Girls, girls, settle down. You're both pretty.

Parker: (laughs)

Melvin: (raises an eyebrow)

Kingsley (confessional): Do I think Parker is smart? No, not even remotely. But one look at him already told me what his type is. The man wants to please the first woman who will give him the time of day, and I would be a fool to not take advantage of that. (uncrosses and recrosses her legs) Melvin on the other hand? He's actually intelligent, but he's weak. Once I remove any other options from the table for him, he'll come whimpering to me like a lost little puppy, fully letting me use his brains to my full advantage.

Parker: It's an oldie but a goodie. (turns back towards Kingsley and gives her a "move along" gesture) So what were you saying?

Kingsley: (sighs and mutters to herself) You're supposed to be the smart one, not even being able to keep up with a conversation... (out loud) Yes as I was saying, you and Melvin are the smartest alongside myself, and it seems clear to me that Bruce, Lil, and Perce are the strongest, so aligning only makes the most sense.

(The three aforementioned strong players all definitely look the part at a single glance. Bruce is the most outwardly intimidating, with his shaved head, multiple piercings and full body tattoos. Most of it was covered by his gi, but it was ripped up at the sleeves to reveal his large and muscular arms which were crossed in contemplation. His legs were in the lotus position and his eyes were closed; he appeared to be meditating, but it was clear as the conversation was going that he was turning his head to listen more closely to whoever was talking.)

BRUCE - THE ZEN MASTER

Bruce (confessional): (he calmly enters the confessional booth, giving the camera an intense, yet sympathetic look) I... don't think I need to tell you with words that I... wasn't in the best place when I was younger. I believe my body tells the story very plainly.

(A clip of a much younger and less muscular Bruce is shown sharpening a knife outside a run-down apartment building. At this point he only has a few tattoos and a single piercing in his left ear. Shadows loom over him and he angrily pulls out the knife until the scene cuts to black. It then opens with a montage of him in Juvenile Hall as it beats and wears him down.)

Bruce (VO): ...All I can say is, whenever anyone is in a bad place, there is always a way to look deep into yourself and find the help you need. It's all up to you.

(The montage continues and as more tattoos and piercings are added, and as his body became bigger...the bags under his eyes disappeared. More and more scenes of martial arts classes play, his obi is shown rising up the ranks. Eventually he steps out of the Juvenile Hall for the last time, breathing in the fresh air. A small smile creeps onto his face)

Bruce (confessional): ...And I hope my journey out here can inspire others.

(Meanwhile Lil was laid out on her canoe, clearly enjoying her time listening to the new "alliance" bicker amongst themselves. While nowhere near as physically large as the other two, she made up for it with her lithely athletic build. Her red spandex gym outfit left her chiseled muscles on full display, including her impressive cobblestone abs. Her long black hair was tied up in a ponytail and the bangs were held up by a sweatband, leaving her cruel dark eyes free to fully observe her surroundings.)

LIL - THE MMA BULLY

Lil: Yo Kingsley, why'd you make them stop? (cackles) I wanted to see them start sissy slapping each other.

Bruce: (shakes his head disapprovingly)

Melvin: ...You really think a fight between us would be like that?

Parker: Dude I could totally punch you.

Melvin: Well I'd rather you didn't

Kingsley: (pinching the bridge of her nose)

Bruce: Why'd you have to spur this on further?

Lil: (wringing her hands to herself silently) Didn't even have to hit any of them...

Lil (confessional): Hey, what's up? (waves with a gloved hand before punching her palm) I'm Lìliàng, Lil for short and y'know, I came out here for a little fun. (gives a wide, nasty smirk) After all, this is the hotspot for drama, right? I can help boost that up a little, sure.

(Clips play of Lil in the boxing ring, delivering KOs to all sorts of opponents. The audience reactions tend to be mixed, with some of them enthusiastically cheering while others look almost sorry for her victims passed out, black and blue and bruised)

Lil (VO): It sure is lucky that between all the oboe lessons, the underwater basket weaving classes, and the... (gags) chess team meetups dear old mom signed me up for throughout my life, she decided to make a single good decision and enlist me in every martial arts in the area, since...eventually those were the only lessons I actually went to and they were definitely the most helpful.

(Clip of Lil hanging out with some friends is shown with her downing a beer, laughing at a joke when suddenly a much older woman bursts into the house furiously. She's pointing at the flyer she's holding, advertising the local sock hop, but in a flash Lil grabs her and puts her in an expert hold, not dangerous but inescapable. Her mother is notably afraid and even her friends look a little unnerved at first, but one starts laughing as she chugs another beer and the rest join in, Lil laughing as well)

Lil (confessional): Yeah, needless to say eventually she backed off and finally I didn't have to deal with that bullshit. Just the bullshit I choose for myself. And the same is true for here; I'm not letting anybody run my life ever again.

Bruce: (sighs) Lil, would you please-

Lil: Zip it, morality police. (sits up) A little bickering isn't going to end the world or this...I guess you can call it an "alliance"; I mean it's not like I'm interested in working with the other losers I've seen so far.

Bruce: It might still benefit you to endear yourself to all of us...

(In the last canoe is Perce, the largest out of the group wearing a full-body yellow tracksuit with a purple ring splashed right on the chest, which did little to hide their built physique but especially exposed their long and muscular legs. Their dreadlocks were tied into a ponytail as well, much shorter than Lil's but still showing their Caribbean heritage. They take great care to clear their throat before they speak.)

Perce: Okay, look y'all. (holds up hands) I get it. We've known each other for like, what, an hour? It's a lotta people, we're about to play a game that'll have us votin' each other out. But if you don't take this first step to find people you may like, that you may wanna be friends with, to work with, and you don't take that seriously, then what good can you even get outta this show?

Lil: A million dollars?

Kingsley: Lil, Perce is right. I chose all of you because I wanted to take that first chance to find people I could enjoy spending my time with, who could help any of us win that million dollars.

Perce: Now look; I know some of y'all ain't gotten exactly on the right foot, but if there's anything I believe in, it's that anybody can do anything they set their minds to, and that everyone deserves as many chances as they need if they're willing to take 'em. I didn't take the name "Perseverance" for myself for nothing, okay?

PERSEVERANCE - THE ATHLETIC SUPPORTER

Perce (confessional): ...All my life, all I've wanted is to be part of somethin' great.

(Montage of Perce in gyms, running on tracks, doing all kinds of athletics plays. Each time it cuts to the same event, they manage to run just a little bit faster, jump a little bit higher, throw a little bit further.)

Perce (VO): And... (shrugs) y'know, sometimes it takes a few tries. Sometimes, it doesn't all go the way you want it to in your head.

(Clip of Perce pumping their arms in victory as they run a victory lap around a track underneath an Olympic flag...the flag wipes into a transition where Perce is sitting in a dark room in their house, crying. Three people are comforting them that look like their family)

Perce (VO): ...I really shouldn't mince words here. I'm intersex. And the Olympics...didn't let me in. So I found another way.

(Montage of the younger person now running on the track, jumping the hurdles, going to the gym and performing better, and better, and better as Perce watches and coaches, teaching the young man everything they know. Eventually he's shown atop the podium, kissing his new gold medal)

Perce (confessional): I never gave up on my dreams, and if there's one thing I learned from all of this, it's that nobody deserves to give up on their dreams either. And that's what I plan to do here too. Only one of us is gonna win a million dollars on this show, sure, but there are so many ways to earn that money. Everyone here can do it with their innate skills and talents, and believing in that is how I live my life.

Perce: (to the group) So... are we giving this a chance?

(The group looks amongst each other tentatively. Kingsley gives a curt nod to everyone in turn, while Lil crosses her arms indignantly and rolls her eyes)

Lil: Yeah sure.

Melvin: Uh... (considers holding out his arm)

Parker: Yeah, no use fighting this early on. (holds out arm to Melvin) Truce?

Melvin: (sighs and extends his own arm) Yeah I guess... (they shake)

Bruce: Well done, Perseverance.

Kingsley: See, I knew I chose the right people. (crosses her arms and smiles) The winner is definitely in this group right here; I'm calling it now. Don't prove me wrong-

Bruce: (despite his eyes being closed, he turns his head around) Even him? (he nods his head in the direction of Charles, who has drifted too closely as he was intently listening in on the discussion.)

Kingsley: (her expression immediately sours) Oohhhhh...not him.

Charles: (frowns) Howdy y'all?

Kingsley: (turns away, shaking her head) Don't tell me that's...

Parker: (raises an eyebrow) Isn't that the guy who is the son who just got all the money?

Melvin: I... (covers his eyes with his hand and squints) Yeah I think so...

Kingsley: (growls) Charles Muskerzos...

Charles: (clicks his tongue) Oh come on, I'm right here

Kingsley: How much did you hear?

Charles: (raises finger) Well-

Kingsley: (to the rest of the group) So we vote him off first, and anything he says about us we deny, okay? Split up?

Perce: Uh...couldn't we-

Kingsley: No.

Perce: (looks to Charles sadly before they instruct their intern to turn away) Sorry man...

Bruce: My advice...would be to lay off the cologne. (waves the air around his nose)

Charles: (grumbles as everyone separates, leaving him all alone with his intern and his canoe, the single lantern light being all that he can see in the ever-thickening fog) Figures...

Kingsley (confessional): For someone like me, who had to start from the very very very bottom and climb her way up, day after day, dealing with (counts on her fingers) idiots, and harassment, and everyone saying "you can't get to where you are"...that man is what's wrong with this world. Talentless, pathetic, ignorant white men who are simply in the most powerful positions by existing. He makes me sick (spits to the side of the confessional) But yet, I have far too much experience manipulating people like him, so as much as my heart is screaming and crying and yelling at me not to...I may need to create an alliance with him. I mean I was already planning on creating multiple alliances anyway, and this one just fell into my lap. Why wouldn't I take it?

---

BACK ON THE DOCK

(Chris and Chef are sipping smoothies as the fog overhead begins to break and the sun starts to shine brightly on the shore of the lake. They've both taken to putting on sunglasses and just placed down their lounge chairs as Chris checks his watch.)

Chris: Should be here aaaaaaaaany minute now.

Chef: (yawns and stretches) Hopefully "any" minute means a minute a loooooooong ways away. (places his head over his arms)

Chris: I mean (shrugs) I guess I could always use more beauty sleep. (Is about to lay down when noises come from the dissipating fog) Oh they're arriving! Chef?

Chef: (snoring)

Chris: ...See this is why I'm the host and you are the assistant. (faces the camera) And here they come! All 21 of our brand new campers!

Travis: (finishes rowing to the dock and leaps onto it. He slips and falls on his knee, which gets skinned, but he barely seems to notice as he's completely winded from all the paddling he did) WOOOOOOO!

Ulysses: (panting from a few yards away from the dock) C'mon man you CHEATED! (waves fist before slumping over)

Travis: (faces Ulysses) Did NOT! I won this fair and square! (panting) Go Travis, go Travis, woo...it's my birthday...

Ulysses: (reaches the dock and flops onto it, heaving)

Travis: I win! (jerks thumbs to himself) YOU LOSE! (points to Ulysses) Ahahaha... (catches his breath)

Ulysses: (is too tired to even move)

(More boats begin to show up)

Vlokke: (exits her canoe gracefully, tsking at the two boys panting on the dock before her) If this is what competition is still like in 2024...is this the part where the lions maul them or did they stop doing that after the Roman Empire?

Chris: I mean (holds up remote) That does sound like a good idea...

Sherry: (steps off the dock, her eyes widening as she sees Chris' remote) Oh don't tell me it's not another Pahkitew Island. Someone grab that remote.

Chris: What, you think I'd reuse a gimmick?

Sherry: The last two seasons were basically the same season. (shrugs)

Chris: Not counting that! No (holds remote to the side) I've just got some wild animals I can release from cages and- (the remote is swiped from his hand) HEY

Demytrius: (Whistles innocently, holding his hands behind his back)

Sherry: Nice one guy. (gives him a low-five)

Demytrius: Nice what?

Chris: (narrows his eyes) Dude. Not funny.

Demytrius: I thought it was funny. Anyway (throws the remote into the lake and it short circuits and breaks) that funny enough for you?

Chris: (his eye twitches)

Patty: (sidesteps the dock entirely and lands right on the beach, guffawing) Wicked one there lad.

Chris: Now then as I was saying, introducing uh...who's here so far?

Em: (steps up) Not me.

Chris: Shush. (points to the people who have arrived) Travis, Ulysses, Vlokke...

Em: (points to Chris) Asshole, (points to Chef) douchebag, (points to a bird) a bird...

Perce: (lands on the dock) Yo Chris, I'm here!

Chris: Perce! (opens his arms in welcome) Glad you could make it!

Em: (points to Perce) Brownnoser...

Perce: (frowns) Did I miss a conversation?

Ocean: (steps onto the dock, sidestepping Travis and Ulysses) Ooh, I can already see the sexual tension between you two!

Ulysses: (lifts head up confusedly) Wha?

Travis: (blushes and stammers) Okay hold up, I don't even know anybody here yet.

Ocean: Well you will. We'll be here for quite a while (giggles)

Chris: Ocean... (pointing to Travis and Ulysses again) Did I say Travis and Ulysses yet?

Em: No

(The remote further out in the lake lets out another belch of smoke)

Chris: Oh yeah I didn't say Demytrius yet.

Demytrius: (salutes)

Chris: (turns to Chef) Chef HELP ME OUT

Chef: (still snoring)

Kingsley: (strides up the dock) Okay what's going on here Chris? Why is everyone just standing around like they don't know what to do?

Chris: Because everyone is INTERRUPTING-

Kingsley: (clears throat) Okay everyone, let's get ourselves organized here (claps) You three, off the dock. You (points to Perce) help out. (lifts up Travis' legs and drags him along)

Perce: Sure thing ma'am. (lifts up Ulysses)

Chris: (muttering to herself) She thinks she can do my job better than me... (out loud) Thank you Kingsley. Over there, in front of the Campfire Ceremony will be great, thank you (points)

Shuji: (leaps onto the dock) AHA! We made it! (points triumphantly) Let the games begin!

Macie: (lands on Shuji's finger and squawks)

Skimbles: (climbs up Shuji's body, and he throws him off. He hisses)

Shuji: First foe defeated! (pumps fist) Plus 15 EXP!

Ralph: (lands on the dock and quickly scoops up Skimbles) Cats aren't foes you...

Chris: Ralph, what did I say about the animals?

Ralph: (rolls eyes) I only brought the three that can't be without me.

Chris: Chef, this is your job to keep the pets safe...

Chef: (snores)

Chris: Grrrrrr...

Bruce: (steps onto the dock, holding out his hand for Lil to take it)

Lil: (completely ignores Bruce's hand as she leaps onto the dock) Don't patronize me.

Bruce: I was just trying to be polite...

Gavin: (leaps onto the dock right after with a mighty thud) WOOHOO! (lifts arms in the air) FINALLY! THIS IS GONNA BE THE GREATEST MONTH OF MY LIIIIIIIIFE!

Samira: (tries to leap onto the dock alongside him but she catches her foot on the side of her canoe and trips, faceplanting on the dock)

Gavin: NO SAMIRA! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GREATEST MONTH OF YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE! (sobs)

Bruce: (helps Samira up)

Samira: (looks completely unaffected despite a slightly crooked nose, holding up a rocker sign to Bruce) Thanks for the hand bruv. (turns to Gavin) Ready to partay big boy?

Gavin: Oh... THIS IS GONNA BE THE GREATEST MONTH OF OUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIVES! (raises fists up and runs to the end of the dock as Samira slowly saunters after him)

Melvin: (looks nervous as his canoe wobbles, grabbing the side of the dock to steady himself)

Parker: (steps onto the dock, steadying himself) Come on dude it's not that hard (holds out a hand)

Ocean: (squealing) There's our second coupleeeeeee! (clasps hands together)

Melvin: (looks unsure about whether to grab Parker's hand, but as the canoe does a dangerous wobble he quickly lets go of the dock and grabs with both his hands, pushing the canoe backwards and he's now in an awkward position where he's basically bridging himself between canoe and dock. Parker can't hold on and involuntarily lets go, sending Melvin into the water)

Lil: (laughs)

Ocean: (glares at Lil) Melvin could be seriously hurt and you're laughing?

Lil: Sure am (continues laughing)

Parker: (tries to hold a hand out to Melvin but before he can help him up, Perce is already expertly swimming up to Melvin to save him. Parker shrugs and stands back up, putting his hands in his pockets)

Kingsley: Good job Perce!

Ocean: BOO!

(As the three of them return back to the end of the dock, Chris tries counting everyone again.)

Chris: Okay so... (muttering to himself, pointing at everyone in turn) That's Travis, and Ulysses...

(The two of them are still panting heavily)

Chris: And who was third, uh...

Vlokke: That was me.

Kingsley: (rolls eyes) Chris, we've got 18.

Chris: So we're missing 3?

Gavin: (his eyes widen) Oh no! Wait, we're getting 21 this season? That's an odd number... (chuckles) Odd.

Perce: (places Melvin amongst the rest of the campers, shivering.) Oh, uh that's my fault. Sorry. I can only imagine it's so we've got an even number of boys and girls, right Chris?

Chris: Yeah, that's the idea at least... (looks back to the dock) But we're still MISSING two boys and a girl!

Kingsley: Two girls and a boy actually.

Chris: WHATEVER

(Trumpet music quietly fades in as a large shape approaches, silhouetted by the smog)

Chris: (looks unimpressed) Really? I told her she had to ride the canoes like everybody else!

(In front of the large shape though another canoe is revealed, as Charles and his intern are frantically rowing away, panicked. The reason why quickly becomes apparent as the massive cruise ship breaks through, ornately and lavishly decorated with black and gold. Since it's motorized, it's quickly catching up to Charles' canoe. The trumpet music coupled with the screams of Charles and his intern quickly become cacophonous. But piercing through it all is a shrill woman's voice, sounding quite irate indeed)

?: What the hell is- is that speck ANOTHER CAMPER? ...What, what do you mean we're almost- YOU IDIOTS SLOW DOWN!

(The trumpets stop, and Charles crashes onto the dock, running for his life as the massive cruise ship begins to slow, but not quickly enough. It tears through the dock as Charles is running, threatening to end his life if he went just a little slower.)

Charles: (dives underneath Patty, shivering) IS THE SHIP STILL CHASING ME?

(The ship crashes onto the shore and finally stops)

Chris: Hey! (points up to the ship) You're PAYING for that dock! You HEAR ME?!

(A hatch opens and a ramp unfolds onto the beach, followed by a red carpet unfurling itself on top of Chris' head. He shakes it off. A group of people in fancy suits hurry out of the ship, some carrying trumpets, others carrying banners of black and gold, and a few also are dusting the beach. Finally one clears his throat)

(All the campers look dumbfounded)

Chef: (snores)

Man: Introducing her Royal Highness... (makes a grand bowing gesture to the ship entrance) Princess Seraphina Magnifica Florentia Von Opalescence, Her Royal Excellency, Next in Line for the Throne of Madeupia. May her Reign be Long and Prosperous... Amen.

The others: Amen. (begin to play their trumpets anew)

Em: ...This bitch for real?

(Atop a throne carried by four more of these servants is Seraphina herself, carrying herself with dignity as she lounges. She is quite small wearing a black dress that could almost be mistaken for goth, but is so ornately detailed that animators worldwide are collectively wiping their brows that this is a fanfic and not an actual animated season of Total Drama. Her skin is pale, her hair platinum blonde and styled in two enormous drill-shaped pigtails that actually drag several feet behind her with each being held by another servant so they don't touch the floor. Her icy blue eyes examine the contestants before her, cold and unmistakably cruel in their intent)

SERAPHINA - THE PERFECT LITTLE PRINCESS

Seraphina: ...Well? (addresses the rest of the cast) Why aren't they bowing?

Em: ...(turns to the rest of the group) Again...this bitch for real?

Chris: Sorry dudette. This ain't your country, you don't have sovereignty over any of us.

Seraphina: You must be... (turns to one of her servants) So first off you idiots crash the boat and now I don't even get the courtesy of any bows?

Perce: Uh, if it'll make you feel any better I'll bow-

Kingsley: Don't.

Parker: ...I mean I don't know I'm kind of into it (bows)

Kingsley: Freak

Seraphina: (cheerfully points to Parker) Thank you! (turns to Chris) Now then, I'm pretty sure I already had you sign my contract? (holds up contract)

Chris: Yeah, but you also signed mine (holds up contract) And this one says you're paying for the dock.

Seraphina: (rolls eyes) Chump change.

Chris: And also you can't have all these servants around.

Seraphina: (her eyes widen) Oh you don't mean...

Chris: (points to the fine print that's literally microscopic) It's right there, clear as crystal. No offense princess, but we just don't have the resources on this island to house all these guys for a month. I'm sure you understand.

Seraphina: (growls)

Servant: Sorry my lady, but he's right. The king already discussed this all with us, he thought it would be better to...wait until you're in a better mood until you-

Seraphina: I have to WALK? On this FILTHY ISLAND?

Chris: It'll be good exercise, now come on.

Seraphina: ...Dad... (claps and a few servants crouch in front of her throne, whom she steps on until she reaches the ground. She grimaces as now her fancy high heels and her hair are touching the ground)

Seraphina (confessional): So if it was not clear, I am without a doubt, the winner of this season. (places a hand on her chest) Princess Seraphina Magnifica Florentia Von Opalescence, Her Royal Excellency, Next in Line for the Throne of Madeupia. Not because I need the money, no but because of... dad.

(An establishing shot of a faraway kingdom is shown, in the middle of which is an enormous black and gold castle. Inside is Seraphina, looking quite bored with the court jester entertaining her, but it's noteworthy that she's sitting on the side of the king, a jolly old man with a great white beard laughing heartily upon his far larger throne.)

Seraphina (VO): The man is an idiot. All the power he has, and what does he do with it? Treat everyone...nicely? Rule...fairly? And not even attempt to conquer opposing kingdoms? What kind of ruler even is he? Well I'll tell you; he's the one I'm stuck with.

(The king is shown signing contracts, shaking the hands of several diplomats and feasting upon a royal banquet, patting his daughter on the head proudly as she looks less than enthused about everything going on.)

Seraphina (VO): If I could I'd just kill him and usurp the throne, but that sadly...isn't an option. (shakes head) No, what I need to do is convince him and the braindead fools who blindly follow him that I deserve to take his place. Become the queen I deserve to be. I'll drag Madeupia kicking and screaming into a whole new era, one of prosperity and power. You'll see...

(It's nighttime and the king retires to bed. Seraphina seems to do so as well, going to her room, but she opens up a trapdoor and heads underneath, upon which after a while of traveling she finds herself in a huge cathedral-like room with a large congregation of mysterious hooded figures within, bowing down before her. All throughout the room are plans written up on huge TV screens along with Seraphina-themed decorations)

Seraphina (confessional): Roughly 5% of the population of...Madeupia knows this. They understand me, they understand that dad is a shitty leader. Every day they'll show more people my performance on this show, and convert them...eventually dad will be convinced...

(Eventually Seraphina makes her way to the front of the group of 20 campers, shoving Demytrius and Ocean as she takes their spot at the front. Her hair whips behind her, getting in Ocean's mouth and actually tripping Demytrius over entirely)

Ocean: (spits out the hair)

Demytrius: (from the ground) Watch it!

Seraphina: Not my fault you got in my way. (shakes head as she turns to Chris, gesturing for him to start) Okay Chris, I'm down here with all the peasants. Can we start the game already?

Kingsley: (shaking her head)

Charles: (sighs in relief)

Kingsley (confessional): Okay I might've found someone I hate even more than Charles... (puts her forehead to her hand and rubs it) This... Seraphina character is somehow even more entitled than the richest man in the world! How do you even do that? (throws her hands in the air indignantly) Whatever. I can see her being another one of my attack dogs if she somehow escapes first boot. That's how it usually is on this show right? The obvious villain is either the first boot or an endgamer who never wins? 50/50?

Chris: (feigns sadness) Sorry Princess, but we're actually still missing another camper.

Seraphina: So I have to stand here in this nasty-ass fog and wait?

Chris: (shrugs) 'Fraid so. Feel free to whine about it some more; it's chicken soup for my soul.

Seraphina: Who dares even make their grand entrance after my grand entrance anyway, why I oughta-

(A distant rumbling sound slowly comes into earshot. Several of the campers turned to the direction of the sound, which strangely enough wasn't even the ocean, but further down the beach. As it got louder and louder the sound became clearer and clearer: it sounded like some roaring engine.)

Chef: (wakes up with a start) AW SHIT IT'S THE COPS (hides under his beach chair)

Chris: (gives him a nonplussed look) You woke up for this and not for the huge cruise ship... you know what never mind.

(In the distance a cloud of sand was visible being kicked up by a huge, roaring vehicle. Closer and closer it got, until one could finally tell that it was indeed a motorcycle. And not just an ordinary motorcycle either. It looked like a cross between a motorcycle and a monster truck, decked out in flame decals, with huge tubes belching real flames from the engine, and two huge spiked wheels that provided excellent traction to even the loose sand of the beach.)

Shuji: Holy SHIT that's a cool ride!

Ralph: It looks like a nightmare for the environment... (petting a terrified Skimbles on his shoulder)

Seraphina: (yawns) I've seen better.

Lil: I'm so stealing that thing before the season's over.

Demytrius: (gives her a smirk) Get in line.

(As the motorcycle got closer it was still difficult to see the rider as it was so big; a long flying mane of shimmering chocolate brown hair was all that was particularly visible until it finally stopped near the group, kicking up a huge wave of sand that swamped over everyone)

Chris: (spitting out sand as he tries running his hands through his hair) HEY WATCH THE HAIR! Someone, anybody - INTERN! Someone get me my emergency make-up artist! Or something! HELP!

?: Sorry Chris~

(A voice smooth as silk stops Chris dead in his tracks, and several heads of the campers pop out of the sand drift they found themselves in as they heard the tones. Stepping out of the clearing haze of sand was the rider, now seen more clearly despite being covered head to toe in bulky, protective biker gear. Nonetheless her hair swayed hypnotically with every graceful step, already mesmerizing those watching. But if they were entranced before, it was nothing when she finally pulled her helmet off and shook her mane elegantly, revealing the most beautiful face any of them had ever seen. They all lay transfixed upon her now visible deep brown eyes, half-lidded and sparkling like perfectly polished gemstones; her natural luscious lips curled into a friendly smile, and her perfectly contoured nose upon her caramel complexion.)

BONITA - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD

Bonita: (shakes her head, tossing her hair in the wind) I know I know, I'm late. It's just (places a hand on her hip) that intern you sent, he just fainted on the spot... Then that second one immediately fell into the lake when she tried to step in the canoe and had to be rushed to the hospital. The third I had to call the cops on... oh?

Chris: (is too transfixed to move)

Bonita: ... (muttering to herself) Porra eu odeio quando isso acontece. (kicks the sand with her high-heeled biker boot before turning to the rest of the campers) Okay, please tell me at least one of you has come to your senses quickly... (rubs the back of her head) Sorry about the sand by the way... that'll come off I'm sure.

Vlokke: (a whirlwind of sand encloses her and is removed from her thanks to her systems) Excuse me? What effect did you have on the campers here?

Bonita: (brushes her hair) Oh good there's someone. (takes a closer look at Vlokke, putting her hands on her legs) Ooh what's your fit chica? I wish I could pull that off!

Vlokke: Oh, this? (gestures towards the fog of sensors and computers around her) I suppose I should explain that as well... You see, I'm from the future, and I've been studying eras lost to my time so... (eyes Bonita up and down) I take it this is what is considered an "ideal" female figure of the time?

Bonita: (shrugs) I mean I guess. I like to think there isn't one but... (looks over to the rest of the campers) They might be inclined to disagree now... (places a finger to her lips)

Parker: (blushes and rushes off to the nearest bathroom)

Bonita: I... may have come across a little too strong. Hopefully you all get used to me... enough soon.

Bonita (confessional): Soooooo... (props a long leg up on the confessional's toilet, throwing her head back as she unzips her biker jacket. Her remarkably large chest pops out, fully covered by a respectable tank top but it's clear that it was previously way too constrained in the outfit) I'm sure you'd love to know about me a little bit. (waves) Olá, my name is Bonita Pereira. Born and raised in Rio, Brasiiiiiillllll~ (waves a tiny Brazilian flag) I have two younger brothers, I currently work as a model but I have a degree in...

Bonita (confessional): (looks into the camera and sighs, shaking her head) You don't care about any of this don't you? Nobody does, juro por Deus que é sempre a mesma coisa. I know why I'm here. Here you go, roll the clips... (points upward indiscriminately)

(A clip plays of Bonita casually walking down the street wearing a much more casual outfit than the biker one, showing off her naturally curvy body much more freely. To her left a pileup of dozens of cars are on the road, with more casually crashing into the pile. To her right, a man starts choking on his sandwich while a woman collides straight into a telephone pole. Above the pole, a bird flies straight into the wire, electrocuting itself)

Bonita (VO): It was only a matter of time I'd get invited to Total Drama; after all they had Justin, they had Alejandro, they had Caleb. Imagine the draw having the first truly hot woman on the newest cast. Well, I guess I'm here, for better or worse. I mean, there definitely are worse problems I could be having. My looks have come in handy many a time.

(A clip plays of Bonita walking into a motorcycle store. She raises a finger and the shopkeeper immediately throws her keys and shows her outside, unveiling the same motorcycle she drove into the competition with. Bonita then makes to raise her finger again but is interrupted by the man throwing money at her)

Bonita (VO): ...And they're sure to come in handy here. (sighs) But you know, sometimes I want to be seen for more than my looks. That's why I formed my gang, Casa Bonita... Well that and other reasons.

(A clip plays of Bonita on her motorcycle, tearing through the open road with a flock of other motorcycles following her. At last, she is free; nobody is crashing into each other, all she gets are a few impressed looks from the hair she couldn't fully cover up, still whipping in the wind)

Bonita (confessional): ...But here... Não acredito que tenho que fazer isso de novo, I have to give the folks on TV what they recruited me for. Nobody out here is going to give me the opportunity to be anything else.

(A few of the campers are beginning to stir. Chris and Chef are still conked out but some of the more strong-willed people such as Seraphina, Kingsley, and Perce started getting accustomed to Bonita's presence)

Perce: Girl...you mad pretty. I can't even hold it against you.

Seraphina: (smacking her face with each word) STOP. LOOKING. AT. HER. SHE. IS. NOT. PRETTIER. THAN. YOU.

Perce: Nah she is. Can't even pretend otherwise... (quails under Seraphina's look) But it's okay I'm sure you're better than her at other things! (holds up hands defensively)

Parker: (heads back to the beach, sees Bonita again)

Bonita: (waves at Parker) Uh... ola?

Parker: (rushes into the bathroom again)

Vlokke: (clears throat) You might want to... you know (jerks her head into the direction of the motorcycle helmet Bonita is holding beside her hip)

Bonita: (sighs) Estou usando aquela coisa estúpida há oito horas... (puts it back on)

(Now the campers are beginning to stir in earnest, many of them dusting themselves off. Chris leaps back up as if nothing happened at all.)

Chris: Ah, our final camper! Bonita, everybody!

Travis: (sighs dreamily) I think we've met...

Em: I think I'm pregnant.

Chris: Glad to hear that.

Bonita: (looks at Chris) Okay but you all better get used to me because I don't want to have to wear this for the rest of the game.

Chris: (ignoring her) Welcome everyone, to Pasa Island!

Chef: Pasastêhokowisiwina

Chris: My cohost, Chef! (gestures to him) His job is to cook the food and nothing else, especially not interrupting me while I host

Chef: My job's to correct the stuff Chris is too lazy to Google.

Chris: (ignoring him) Pasa Island is rumored to be the closest place on Earth to Hell itself, with Mt. Pasa (points to the volcano) being considering a gateway there.

Seraphina: Why would you make a volcano a gateway?

Chris: I don't know, ask Hell. (rolls eyes) Anyway if you haven't noticed with the whole Hell motif, the fact that you're all adults, the rating over there... (points to the corner of the TV screen where it says TV-MA)

Em: Does that mean I can say fuck

Chris: (Unimpressed) Yes, Em. You can say fuck.

Vlokke: "Fuck" is your slur for sexual intercourse right?

Bruce: It's not a slur. Pretty sure slurs would be bleeped out even in this rating.

Vlokke: Right... (plugs in information) Still figuring out the severity hierarchy of your current language. Carry on (carelessly waves to continue)

Chris: So, Pasa Island. The theme this season is... SINS! (lightning crashes through the air) Not sure how many of you noticed through how you were cast but each of you...

Kingsley: Represents a Deadly Sin? That must be why you looked oh so desperately for another Owen. (pokes Gavin's stomach)

Gavin: (laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy)

Seraphina: Uh, if you're casting based on sins why did you pick me...other than the obvious I mean, since I'm obviously the best and will win and-

Chris: Actually it took us a while to figure out which one you even represented.

Seraphina: HEY!

Chris: Anyway, seven sins, 21 campers. Do the math.

Parker: 3 campers for each sin?

Chris: Do the math in your head, nerd.

Sherry: So will we be placed on three different teams, one sin on each team?

Chris: You'd like that wouldn't you, with all your Survivor three-tribe shenanigans (waves arms in the air sarcastically)

Sherry: I mean I'd be happy to go back to the two-tribe format as well-

Chris: SEVEN TEAMS! That's right, you have to work with your Sin-mates this season!

(lightning strikes again)

Chris: ...Chef the team mats were supposed to show up with that dramatic lightning flash.

Chef: (rolls eyes) Oh I'm sorry, I was busy doin' my job cookin' the food and nothin' else, especially not interrupting you while you host

Chris: GO!

Chef: (grumbles as he sets up the mats)

Sherry: While he's doing that...

Chef: (kicking down a red mat grumbling)

Sherry: -You really want to have teams of 3 on this season? Wouldn't that make votes really...uneventful?

Chris: An excellent question! (points upward) You see, because these teams are so small, we've come up with a completely original new twist! Challenges will have multiple teams lose! And all of them will vote someone out together!

(The campers look amongst each other)

Ocean: It's been done before. Survivor Fan Characters 10.

Chris: ...What the heck is a Survivor Fan Characters 10?

Ocean: ...I may be terminally online.

Chef: (yelling over to Chris) TEAM MATS ARE DONE!

(They're all placed haphazardly and partially folded over themselves)

Charles: Can't ya do it... better?

Chef: Can't you rich kid? (glowers over Charles)

Charles: Pardner I'm in my 30s

Chef: Rich kid. (spits to the ground besides him and walks away)

Chris: Alright, first team, representing Envy... (holds up a list) Aka, the sin of like, really really wanting something you don't have, 'cause it doesn't exist...

(Shot of Shuji playing with his toy sword)

Chris: ...It's out of your reach...

(Shot of Perce doing a stretch, flexing their hamstring)

Chris: ...Or you just haven't reached it yet and had to settle for the next best thing for the time being...

(Shot of Sherry looking at the mat, wondering why there aren't any tribe flags to go along with them)

Chris: Perseverance, Sherry, Shuji. You three, on the green mat.

Shuji: (gives Perce and Sherry a high-five as they walk over) This is looking like a really strong party!

Chris: Henceforth, you three are... The Envious Emus!

(Sherry smooths out the mat revealing a green icon of an Emu giving a very exaggerated sideways glance with narrowed shifty eyes. The same icon appears on the top of the screen)

Perce: Ah yes, the noble emu (nods head) Very fleet on its feet. Cannot fly, yet lives its best bird life regardless.

Chris: Alright next team, representing Gluttony... I mean I don't think I need to say what that means. You all like food.

Kingsley: That's... not entirely what the sin is about.

Chris: (ignoring her) Gavin, Patty, Travis. The three of you on the brown mat. Move move move!

Patty: Rude. We're goin' we're goin'.

Travis: Am I really on this team just because I'm a competitive eater? (is squeezed between Gavin and Patty on the mat)

Chris: Well that and you seem like a glutton for punishment.

Gavin: (laughs)

Travis: Okay, I can't argue with that.

Chris: You three are now... The Gluttonous Gerbils!

(Travis tries to undo the mat but Patty's stepping on part of it. She excuses herself and flips it around, sending Travis spinning in the air and landing in a heap. On the mat is a brown icon of a gerbil with large, guilty-looking eyes with its cheeks absolutely stuffed full of foods, some of which are shown through its partially open mouth. The same icon appears on the top of the screen)

Travis: ...Are gerbils really that gluttonous?

Gavin: (cheering) GER! BILS! GER! BILS! GER! BILS!

Patty: I mean he's a bloody cute'un he is.

Gavin: GER! BILS! GER! BILS!

Patty: GER! BILS! GER! BILS!

Travis: (sighs) Fun times ahead...

Travis (confessional): Not gonna lie, the way these teams are shaking... I can't help thinking things might end up a biiiiiiiiiit uneven. Like no offense to the heavier people out there (waves hands), believe me I respect y'all, but Gavin and Patty ain't exactly givin' me "challenge strength" vibes and as much as I like to toot my own horn, in a team game like this I can't be expected to do everything on my own.

Chris: Next sin isssssss GREED! You all like money; you either have a lot of it...

Charles: 'Scuse me Chris but I'm gonna stop ya there. I ain't greedy

Chris: Hey, I didn't say your name. Quit assuming.

Charles: But I am on the team right?

Chris: Yes. So you all either have a lot of money or you go out of your way to get more money and power. Demytrius... my wallet?

Demytrius: (shifts eyes around) I don't know what you're talking about.

Chris: (holds out hand) Hand it over. It's not a remote that'll endanger your lives, I need my wallet.

Demytrius: What you need is a chill pill. (waves fingers) Alaka-pocus! (a puff of smoke obscures everyone and when it dissipates Chris' wallet is stuck in his nostril)

Chris: Very funny. Demytrius, Charles, Ms. Kingsley. Gold colored mat. (points to the mats)

Chef: (his eyes light up) Ooh, that reminds me (snaps fingers and holds up a cooler full of ziploc bags)

Chris: (gives Chef a look) Oh riiiiiight, the angry emails about all the "allergies" (exaggerates his finger quotes) Yeah this season, we're required by law to be upfront about this; any important medications you all have, place them in your labeled ziploc bag. With all the injuries and Mal and stuff we've already been getting complaints about, the last thing we need in the modern day is people having medical issues under our contracts. And no stealing from this, got it Demytrius?

Demytrius: (looks affronted) I'm a klepto but I'm not a monster Chris.

Chris: Anyway you three go ahead and unfurl your mat. You are... The Greedy Giraffes!

(As the other campers pass around the cooler and place their medications in it, Kingsley unfurls her mat to reveal a golden icon of a widely-smiling giraffe wearing assorted stereotypical bling, including rhinestone shades, grills and a golden tooth, and necklaces with bejeweled dollar signs on them)

Kingsley: Okay Chris, giraffes are definitely not greedy.

Chris: Okay name a better animal starting with the letter G. Go on.

Charles: Goril- (Kingsley gives him a deadly glare) Uh...never mind. (gulps)

Demytrius: Gopher-oh wait that's taken.

Kingsley: (quickly) Greedy Giraffes are fine, it's just a name. It doesn't mean anything.

Kingsley (confessional): Just. My. Luck. (blows upward, crossing her arms and her legs as she leans to the side of the booth) I'm on a team of three with that man... and the common crook but I'm not worried about him. I was going to issue a pact with that man after all, yes, but I always planned that to be at arms' length. More of a... backup plan. But now that none of the initial alliance is with me and he is... (shakes head) I can't believe I'm going to have to spend most of my day talking strategy to that Southern Fried Douchebag.

Charles (confessional): Dangummit Chris I'm not greedy! Just because I have a lot of money... and I bought that nice jeep that one time (raises finger in the air shaking)

Chris: Next up is everyone's favorite sin: Lust!

Bonita: (begins walking over to the pink mat)

Chris: Can you wait for just one-

Bonita: (shakes her hair)

Chris: (gulps) Never mind. So since Lust is allllll about being y'know, sexy and wanting the sex and all the fun times and all-

Bonita: (from the pink mat) It can also refer to just...really wanting and obsessing over something non-sexually.

Chris: Yeah but that's not what the viewers are here for! (flipping through his list) Ocean, Parker. You can join Bonita on the pink mat.

(The rest of the cast looks insanely jealous at the other two as Ocean eagerly skips over next to Bonita. Parker looks very nervous, sweating bullets as he's already had to use the bathroom twice and is very aware of how that might come across, plus even with her helmet on, he still found her insanely attractive.)

Ocean: (looks up at Bonita longingly) Will you marry me?

Bonita: (laughs awkwardly, patting Ocean on the head) Uh, let's save that for another day...

Chris: You three shall now be known as... The Lustful Lizards!

(Bonita unfurls the mat showing an icon of a pink lizard with hearts in its eyes doing a mating ritual, its long tongue sticking out)

Seraphina: (glowering) That should've been me... (curling her fists)

Bruce: (leaning to her) You want to be a lizard?

Seraphina: (is taken aback) Ew, what, NO!

Ralph: Hey there's nothing wrong with being a lizard!

Ocean (confessional): (her glasses are fogged up as she's furiously scribbling notes) All the vernacular I could use to describe my new teammate's physicality... (takes a few short breaths as she places her hand on her chest) I feel like I'm inventing a whole new language! A whole new era of writing... (scribbles some more notes) Then again this could just end up being the purplest thing in the history of writing. Gaaaahhhh... I'll edit it in post. Some of this stuff though... perfect for my new novel!

Parker (confessional): ... This could be either the best month of my life... (gulps) or the worst

Chris: (pries his eyes away from the Lustful Lizards, looking jealous himself) Okay... (blows a big breath outward, shaking his hands around) Next sin... Pride! The three of you have just have to think you're superior to everyone else in some way, whether it's just by being the former coolest guy around.

(Shot of Ulysses who doesn't react at all)

Chris: ... (clears throat) The guy who still thinks he's the coolest guy around...

Ulysses: (looks at everyone looking at him and grows confused)

Chris: ... Ulysses can you pretend to be offended by my dissing

Ulysses: Dissing about what? (raises an eyebrow) Were you talking to me dude?

Chris: Okay fine, stay in fantasyland, see if I care.

Ulysses: I thought this was Pasa Island.

Chris: (continuing) Or you think you're superior due to claiming a moral high ground or being further along in the evolution of humanity... Ulysses, Ralph, Volockee, blue mat.

Vlokke: It's pronounced Vlokke. The glottal stop in the second syllable is important

Chris: It's a dumb made-up name anyway.

(The three of them size each other up as they step on their mat, not looking particularly pleased with the label they were given or who they ended up with)

Ulysses: No offense Chris but I think you put me with two losers? Aren't prideful people supposed to like, have things to be prideful about?

Ralph: (rolls eyes) You say that when you're the one who probably still eats meat. Besides (turns to Chris) moral superiority? Treating the world around you with kindness and reverence is a sin now?

Chris: Dude everything here's a sin.

Vlokke: (arches the area above her eye where an eyebrow would go if she had one) Wait, some people don't eat meat in 2024?

Ralph: (looks very insulted) You still eat animals in the future?

Vlokke: (looks confused) No we eat meat

Ralph: ... I... I'm confused so I'm going to drop it.

Ulysses: Dude all of you confuse me.

Chris: If you three are done feel free to reveal your team logo for... The Prideful Prawns!

(Augie unfolds the mat, shooing Skimbles off as the logo is revealed; a blue icon of a small shrimp wearing a crown and robe with a closed-eyed uppity expression, its head tilted upwards)

Ralph: ...Prideful Peacocks was right there, Chris.

Chris: Peacocks doesn't start with a P-R.

Kingsley: Giraffes doesn't start with a G-R either.

Chris: (throws his hands in the air) Close enough!

Ulysses (confessional): So I'm stuck with a hippie and some girl from the future right? (gives a small chuckle as he closes his eyes, shaking his head while facing downwards) Well if being star quarterback in high school taught me anything, it's that some people are losers! But also that sometimes, that's okay! As long as those losers have a guy like me (jerks thumb to his chest) around to guide them, we can always score the winning goal in football! Or the winning goal in... I dunno the Awake-a-thon or whatever challenges we'll play in this season!

Chris: Okay (scans the remaining unsorted campers) only six of you left and two teams. You can probably figure out which team you belong on by now but just in case you're stupid losers like I know you are, next sin is Sloth! Lazy people who can't get anything done!

Em: (raises hand) Yeah that's me. I take it we're not going to be called the Slothful Sloths right?

Chris: What do you take me for?

Em: A lazy person who can't get anything done. (beckons Chris over while she walks to the grey mat) C'mon Chris, join your team.

Chris: (sarcastically) Ha ha ha. Anyway Em you're lazy as you know.

Em: And proud!

Chris: Melvin, you can't get anything done because you're too busy thinking about it!

Melvin: (straightens up with a start) Oh, that's me? Uh, okay. (heads to the grey mat)

Chris: Also I didn't say Sloth was the grey mat you guys...

Em: The last one's red which clearly goes to Wrath.

Chris: ...Fair. And also Samira, you're Sloth because you're stoned.

Samira: (completely ignoring everything that's happened ever since Bonita got there)

Chris: ...Samira?

Samira: (blows a smoke ring from her bong and sticks her finger in it) Heheh, bullseye

Chris: (takes out a megaphone) SAMIRA

(The sound waves from Chris' megaphone blow Samira on the ground, while the other three brace and stay standing.)

Seraphina: RUDE (sticks her finger in her ear) You could've made me deaf McLean!

Samira: (sits back up, chuckling) Dude, bruv, that sound wave was like... epic man.

Chris: Samira. Grey mat. (points) NOW.

Samira: 'Sall good bruv. On my way. (lazily waves over to Chris as she saunters to the mat)

Chris: Alright, the three of you are-

Samira: Hold up. (reaches the mat and holds a hand up) Dap me up bruvs.

Em: (shakes her hand)

Samira: (turns to Melvin) Dap it.

Melvin: ...Uhhhhhhhh (doesn't know what "dap it" means so he also shakes Samira's hand)

Samira: 'K. You two (does a double point to Em and Melvin in turn) The dap needs work. But you're cool. We chill. (points to Chris) Back to you hostman.

Chris: You sure you're done? (looks annoyed) Okay unfurl your mat. You three are... The Slothful Slugs!

(Melvin carefully unfolds the mat, revealing a grey icon of a snail resting on its shell like a pillow, peacefully napping with some z's floating above its head in a line)

Melvin: Uh...isn't that a snail Chris.

Chris: (looks at the icon that appeared at the top corner of the screen) They're the same thing!

Em: (pats the side of the mat) Once again there's plenty of space for you here Chris.

Chris: I'm NOT competing!

Em (confessional): Okay but seriously though... uh, this might be kind of a problem. (darts her eyes around the confessional booth nervously) I thought for sure I'd be an obvious weak link in a team with wiggle room and like... some actual challenge beasts. Not sleepy time corner with the stoner and the guy who looks like he'll snap in half from a stiff breeze. How the hell are we supposed to win any challenges?

Lil: (smacks fist into her palm) So the two of us and little miss Sunshine over there are the wrath guys?

Chris: Let me introduce it first?

Seraphina: How am I wrathful exactly? (frowns) I'm a just and fair ruler!

(Bruce raises an eyebrow while Lil openly laughs)

Chris: Because the producers said you fit best okay? Anyway the last sin is of course, Wrath. You all tend to get ANGERY and can be impulsive and impatient.

Bruce: Well I used to.

Chris: Yeah but you still fit this team the best.

Bruce: (holds up hands in defense) Oh no, I'm not arguing about it. Just clarifying.

Lil: You sound awfully defensive (smirks)

Bruce: Well you would be too if... never mind, it doesn't define me anymore. Shall we proceed? (gestures to the red mat)

Seraphina: Could you two hurry up already (gives them a glare from the mat) Well at least Chris was nice enough to give me two strong servants this season.

Lil: Pff, servants. Yeah right, pipsqueak. This ain't your kingdom. (stands besides Seraphina, leering down at her)

Seraphina: It'll be a decent substitute soon enough...

Bruce: (sighs) Both of you, settle down.

Chris: The three of you are... The Wrathful Walruses!

(Bruce unfurls the mat revealing a red icon of a walrus looking furious and wearing boxing gloves on its flippers, posed like it's ready to punch the camera)

Seraphina: Are you calling me fat Chris?

Chris: (chuckles) No, did you want me to?

Lil: (raises hand) Ooh ooh, I'll do it! (points at Seraphina) Hey look, you're fat.

Seraphina: (snaps back) And you're a bitch.

Bruce: Settle. We're a team now.

Bruce (confessional): (holding his hand in his forehead) My god I can already tell my time out here is going to be insufferable. Having to be the one keeping my team together? (shakes his head) I spent long enough learning how to control my own temper and now I'm expected to control two others? What have I done to deserve this?

Chris: Alright, so now that the teams are formed, it's time for the boring introductory camp! I'll show y'all around, point out what you need to know about where you're staying for now if you would all be so kind?

Em: I thought this was a Seven Deadly Sins season, none of us are so kind.

Chris: (grins) And that's why I let production cast you all! Anyway follow me.

---

THE CAMPFIRE CEREMONY

(Everyone was already pretty much here anyway but now Chris actually walked onto the Campfire Ceremony itself. It looked pretty typical for a Total Drama season; there was a fireplace that wasn't currently lit, with stumps assorted in a semicircle around one side of it. On the other side was Chris' podium with a mic stand and a voting urn)

Chris: First off, the Campfire Ceremony. When you lose a challenge, you'll go here the following night and vote someone off the island... (wiggles fingers) Foreeeeeeeveeeeeeer!

Demytrius: Not bad finger wiggling there, Chris.

Kingsley: Wouldn't it make more sense for you to show the places we'll stay first?

Chris: (frowns) Those places aren't right next to the dock where you GOT HERE.

Em: Chris is lazy, we've established this.

Chris: Yes. So you should have a good idea of how this works for now. The losing teams will go here, we'll talk a little bit about how much you all blew it, then you go to the voting booth and cast a vote for a poor sucker you don't want to have around. Once the votes are all collected in this urn (holds up urn) I'll read them and I won't tell you what they say! Instead... (holds up a tray of marshmallows) I'll pass off marshmallows one by one to the people who didn't get voted off. If you don't get a marshmallow, you're voted out. You get to walk the Dock of Shame, board the Boat of Losers...

Chef: (waves from one of the canoes the campers arrived in. He's wearing a faded tan cloak and holding a prop scythe)

Chris: ...And you'll never get to return. Eeeeeeveeeeerrrrrrr. (holds up finger) Unless...

(An angelic chorus plays and cherubs float from the sky as Chris rummages into his pocket, holding up a small wooden replica of his head)

Cherubs: (singing) The Chris Heaaaaaaaddddddd~

Chris: ...You manage to find one of the Chris Heads hidden within the island! When you're voted off, or if for some sick reason if someone else is voted off and you want to save them, you can trade a Chris Head you've found to me. Then the person with the next highest amount of votes has to leave instead.

Sherry: (raises hand) Do you play the Chris Head before you hand out the marshmallows or after?

Chris: (looks confused) ...You aren't voted off until I don't give you the marshmallow dude.

Sherry: So... after?

Chris: Look, it's not complicated. If you don't get a marshmallow, you can play the Chris Head and you get the marshmallow I just gave to the last guy. Okay?

Sherry: So it's Tyler Perry Idol rules.

Chris: I have... no idea what you're talking about.

Sherry: (groans) Forget I said anything. Please continue.

Sherry (confessional): That's what I was afraid of. (buries face in her hands) I did recall Scott and Alejandro playing theirs after the marshmallows were handed out but I was hoping that was editing! (groans) Tyler Perry idols are going to be hard to play around! That's so much power, because all you need to say is "hey I've got the idol" and you're completely untouchable. The only way to work around it is to get enough people to vote out the person with the idol so they have to play it, then also have enough votes left over in a split to vote out who you actually want out! And in games like these, that's so difficult to coordinate!

Chris: (enters the confessional) Girl, you're way overthinking this.

Sherry (confessional): You and your producers are underthinking it!

---

THE MAIN AREA

(Chris leads the campers a little way past the campfire ceremony where the majority of the campsite is. This area was shown before in the introductory camera sweep of the island; seven small, crude shelters surrounding the larger Mess Hall, all situated near the base of Mt. Pasa)

Chris: Here's where most of the non-challenge stuff is. (widens his arms to take in the expanse) Camp Pasa! Isn't it a beaut?

(Nobody even bothers to respond to this rhetorical question)

Chris: Each of your cabins are over there, arranged in a circle (points to each one in turn, noting the team symbols above the doorways) You should be able to figure out which one is yours based on what team you're on. Over there in the corner- (points to the corner, where an even smaller structure is placed)

Chris (confessional): -Is the confessional booth. If you ever want to air out any dirty laundry, do it in here (gets a dirty shirt thrown at him) HEY!

Samira: (Offscreen) Bruv where's the washing machine?

Chris (confessional): FIGURATIVE! DIRTY LAUNDRY! (throws the shirt out of the confessional booth) But yeah you guys have been using this already. Just...keep doing what you're doing and get comfortable in here. It's the most private place on the island as long as nobody else wants to butt in.

Shuji (confessional): Ooh, it's so rustic in here (rubs his hand over the wooden wall, getting a few splinters in his fingers) It feels just like one of those medieval towns where I could be Isekai'd into and turn into a slime, or a spider, or something. (gives a thumbs up with splinters in it) I approve of the atmosphere Chris!

Em (confessional): Well so far... (places hands on her lap) ... this place stinks. (her eyes light up) There, I said the thing, I said the thing! Can I be the new Gwen now?

Melvin (confessional): (pushes his hand against the wall) I don't really know how, uh, integrally sound this place is, but if it's really the safest, privatest place on the island... yeah I better get used to it in here. Sometimes I just need somewhere quiet to think, you know?

Kingsley (confessional): (places her office supplies in the confessional)

Chris: (Offscreen) What are you doing in there?

Kingsley (confessional): (yelling back) Getting comfortable like you said! (faces the camera, crossing her legs) I plan on using this a lot after all. I have a lot of strategy to discuss with the audience at home.

Parker (confessional): (steps into the confessional, and a snapping sound is heard. He bends down out of frame them pops back up, holding a broken pen in his hand. He scratches his head) Wha?

Kingsley: (Offscreen) Parker you're paying for that!

Parker (confessional): (winces) Sorry!

Lil (confessional): Who the fuck put office supplies in here? (looks around in disgust)

Gavin (confessional): (armpit farts to the tune of Turkey in the Straw)

Perce (confessional): So this is the confessional, huh? (lets out a low whistle) Well, it's... it's homely I guess. (sits down, facing the camera, hands clasped in front of them) Well so far I'm having a lot of fun out here! There are so many interesting people... I'm sure you'd love to meet them too Jamal (waves) Good luck in your race tomorrow, just know I'm cheering for you in Camp Pasa! (blows a kiss)

Ulysses (confessional): (drops his jerseys and jeans into the toilet) Hey I found the washing machine! (does a dance) Oh yeah, who's smart, who's smart? That's ME!

Samira: (enters the confessional) Bruv you're like, so smart.(pulls the plunger and the toilet begins to overflow) Let me know when you finish your load, 'k?

Chris: Continuing on... (drags Samira out of the confessional and shows the next door building) If you want to use a real bathroom, it's over here. It's got the basics; toilets, sinks, showers. Chef will also provide you with your meds here before curfew.

Kingsley: Is there are real washing machine?

Chris: You can use the sinks and the hand dryer! (points to a hand dryer that is hanging on to the wall by a single rusty hinge) If that breaks, there are plenty of paper towels! (points to a paper towel dispensary which has a single, ripped-off chunk of paper attached)

Kingsley: (looks unimpressed, putting her hands on her hips) Uh huh.

Chris: (narrows eyes) You brought towels right? (sighs and throws his hands up) I never had this problem in any of the other seasons! It's almost like cartoon writers have better things to spend their time on than the intricacies of how to clean your clothes

Kingsley: To be fair Samira's the one who pointed it out.

Samira: (raises hand) And I'd do it again.

Chris: Whatever, you all know where the bathrooms are. Next!

---

THE MESS HALL

Chris: (opens the door to the Mess Hall, and everyone files in) Okay, now here's a place you should all know about, but none better than the cook who calls this place home. Chef?

Chef: (pushes Demytrius and Ocean aside, taking a deep whiff of the room) Aaaaahhh... Y'all smell that?

Em: Yes, we could all smell your armpits before we got here.

Chef: That's the smell of a brand new kitchen! So listen up! (swivels his head towards Em) I will NOT tolerate any of you campers BACKTALKIN' me. Understood?

Em: (shrinks under Chef's intimidating glare) Yessir.

Patty: (gives Chef a disappointing look)

Chef: Now then, here's the rules in MY KITCHEN:

Melvin: Was...wasn't the no backtalking you already a ru-

Chef: I SAID NO BACKTALKIN'!

Melvin: (drops to the floor on his bum) Y-y-yes, got it, no interruptions (whimpering) pleasedon'thurtme.

Chef: (Starts tallying up fingers) Rule number 1: I serve my meals three times a day, at 700 hours, 1200 hours, and 600 hours. There are no meals in between, and if ya don't make it in time, ya don't GET the meals, understood?

Everybody: Yeah sure I guess.

Patty: (shaking her head)

Chef: Rule number 2: Ya EAT whatever you're SERVED. No COMPLAININ', no "oh Chef I'm lactose intolerant I can't eat your potato salad" NONE OF THAT, I've got y'all's medication and I KNOW what y'all can eat! UNDERSTOOD?

Everybody: (more confidently) Yes Chef.

Patty: (whiffs the air)

Chef: Rule number 3! (darts eyes towards all the campers in turn, especially Demytrius) Now I know some of ya are askin' "oh what about those chips and soda and stuff they got to eat in the previous seasons" well THAT'S the canteen food, that's out back (jerks a thumb over to the back of the mess hall, where there are two doorways; one to the kitchen, and the other to the canteen) and that's all FORBIDDEN if ya don't eat MY meals first!

Patty: (holds up a finger) Alright then I'm gonna hafta stop ye there.

Chef: (smoke blows out of his nostrils) I said-

Patty: (takes a step forward) I've seen the way ye cook on this show, 'n keepin' the campers from actually eatin' the stuff they'll actually be able t'keep down is unethical!

Chef: And who do you think you are insultin' my cookin'

Patty: (takes another step forward, looming above Chef) Who am I? Who am I? I'll tell ye who I am! I'm PATRICIA BENTLEY O'BRIEN, that's who I am!

Chef: (Despite being enveloped in Patty's shadow he stands firm, glaring at her angrily) So?

Patty: (Takes a step with every word, pushing Chef towards the kitchen) AND! I! AM! A! CHEF!

(The campers start to cheer for Patty)

Chef: (is currently pinned to the wall) WELL SO AM I! AND THIS AIN'T YOUR KITCHEN! (tries to push Patty off him, but she doesn't budge)

Patty: Not me kitchen? (raises an eyebrow) Well then, I'd like to see ya try 'n stop me. (removes her pin from Chef, freeing him from the wall and starts heading towards the kitchen.)

Chef: HEY (grabs her arm, trying to pull her back but it doesn't stop her at all)

Chef (confessional): (blushes sheepishly, folding his hands as he fails to directly face the camera) Yeah... okay maybe I went a weeeeeee bit overboard there. The kitchen sorta... does that to me, y'know? (coughs into his hand) And that girl... she's like a freakin' tank, and I got angry, and... (sighs, putting his hand over his forehead) Is this why I was given cohost status in the recent seasons instead of cookin'?

Patty (confessional): (gives the camera a big beam) Aw, Chef? I wasn't worried none 'bout 'im (waves a hand) I know what chefs are like in their kitchens, bein' one meself, and I know the guy's a big softie at heart. But when ye don't respect food, 'n when ye don't respect yer customers, yeah sorry but I'm gonna hafta put my foot down. (drops foot onto the floor of the confessional, causing it to shake)

(The campers continue to cheer as Patty squeezes in the kitchen and begins preparing dinner for everyone, quickly juggling whatever she could find in the fridge and the pantry as Chef watches forlornly)

Patty: (places a roast, slightly green chicken on a skillet and places that on the stove, flipping it around. She beckons to Chef) Oi, Hatchet. Ye mind preparin' this while I do this? (points to a assorted pile of vegetables and a bag of flour on the countertop)

Chef: I thought you wanted to replace me as chef.

Patty: (laughs) Nae, nae. The sayin' is "too many cooks spoil the broth" but 2 ain't too many in the slightest. Nae all I wanna do is keep ye in check. Don't... y'know poison everyone, or yell at 'em.

Chef: ...So I can cook? Uh... (darts eyes around, looking self-conscious) Thanks.

Patty: It's nothin' Hatchet.

Chef: (heads into the kitchen and takes out his namesake, chopping up the vegetables)

Travis (confessional): Okay maybe I've been a little dismissive about what my teammates can bring. But at the same time... I don't know. I'm doubting that there's going to be any challenge we have to do that is specifically cooking, or one at most. Maybe one or two where Patty can use her size to her advantage, but I'm still worried that I might have to be carrying. I mean I don't see Gavin doing much, unless like Owen he's some dodgeball wizard or something.

Chris: (laughing) Well it's really funny that you made Chef cry like a little baby and all, but Patty? (drops the laughing quickly and adopts a serious expression) We still need to finish the campsite tour.

Patty: Not on empty stomachs we ain't (whisking eggs in a bowl)

Chris: (sighs)

Chef: (putting chopped up vegetables in a boiling pot) If I couldn't get her outta the kitchen, there's nothin' you can do.

Chris: I can make you forfeit your chances of a million dollars.

(Everyone glares at him)

Chris: (raises hands in the hair defensively) -But I'm not going to, calm down. Yeah fine, we can stay for dinner, whatever.

Bonita (confessional): The smells coming from that kitchen were absolutely divine! (clasps her cheeks in shock) I can't believe we're actually going to eat... real food on this season! (raises her fists up in jubilation) Makes me wish I could actually be on a team with Patty, I want to know her story. That is, (stares to the side) if she'd even talk to me without blubbering like a goldfish (soundlessly moves her mouth up and down like the goldfish she mentioned). Maybe at the merge... (sighs, resting a hand on her cheek and propping a leg up on the toilet seat, reclining on the wall)

(A montage is shown of Patty and Chef serving steamed dishes of chicken pot pie and vegetable lo mien to all the campers)

Chef: (does the stereotypical French gesture with the pinched fingers) Bon appetit.

Patty: Wait wait wait, just a sec there lads and lasses (pulls out a huge plate of the food from behind her back and places it in front of her) Gotta make sure it ain't poisoned first. (stuffs a pot pie in her mouth)

Chef: (raises an eyebrow) Girl, you gotta make sure that much of it ain't poisoned?

Patty: (swallows) Ye can never be too sure!

Gavin: (whines) When can I eat?

Patty: (holds up a finger) Wait a sec, (takes a big bite out of the vegetables and savors the flavors for a bit, sloshing them between her cheeks) Alright, we're good. Dig in.

Gavin: SWEET! (dumps the entire plate into his mouth and belches) Got any seconds?

Patty: Sorry laddie, Chef only had so much food in the kitchen (waves her fork dismissively between bites)

Gavin: (looks completely devastated)

Samira: (pats Gavin on the back) No worries bruv you can have my leftovers.

Gavin: ...What leftovers?

(Samira's plate is empty)

Samira: Uh... (looks mildly surprised) Huh. Where'd my grub go man? (checks under the plate)

Em: You ate it already...

Samira: ...Really? Is that why I don't have the munchies right now? (chuckles)

Seraphina (confessional): Absolutely appalling table manners aside... and the fact that she ate so much of the food aside... and the fact that she's ugly aside, Patty admittedly did make a surprisingly acceptable meal tonight. Odd that so far I already have one servant I feel willing to take reasonably far in the game with me, but I have to be fair when people actually surprise me in a positive way.

Patty (confessional): Yeah I know I know, I ought not eat so much of me own cookin'... but can ye blame me? My stuff's sooooooo good! (rubs stomach) Plus it's like... it is me cookin', if people want bigger portions they should learn t' cook fer themselves and get their own food? Sorry I don't make th' rules of nature.

---

THE MAIN AREA

Chris: (leads everyone back outside after dinner, many of them quite content. It's now twilight, with both sunset and the volcano giving the area an even more eerie red glow.)

Chris: So (claps hands) this is basically the end of the tour for tonight. Trust me, there's plenty more of the island to see, but most of it's either for challenges or for hunting for those Chris Heads. You remember the Chris Heads right?

Cherubs: (momentarily descend from the sky) Chris Heaaaaaaadddddddsssssssss~ (ascend again)

Sherry: How could we forget?

Chris: Yeah there are an undisclosed amount of them hidden around the island, I'm not giving you any clues about what's out there when you're looking or where they are. Just know that I wouldn't look in the dark.

(A howl echoes in the distance)

Chris: For now, you should all get situated in your cabins (points to each of them in turn) Since they're only built for 3, they're co-ed but there are dividers available if you want privacy. Make yourselves at home. (walks off to his trailer)

(Everyone follows him)

Chris: ...Uh dudes (turns back) That's code for the tour is over.

Seraphina: Then where are you taking us then? (points to the shiny trailer that Chris is headed to) Because that looks like a slightly less shitty place to live and it better be for me.

Chris: That's my trailer (rolls eyes) No campers allowed.

Demytrius: (a grin stretches across his face)

Chris: And there are no Chris Heads in there either.

Cherubs: (momentarily descend from the sky) Chris Heaaaaaa-ACK! (Chris grabs a cherub and throws it over his shoulder)

Chris: Good night! (slams the door of his trailer)

(Everyone turns to each other, looking a little lost at what just happened)

Charles: (puts his hands in his pockets) So I reckon this is the part where Chris has some diabolical twist he springs up on us outta nowhere.

Chris (confessional): (massaging his temples) Dealing with teens was hard enough, but these adults? Always harrassing me and trying to make me look dumb! (runs a hand through his hair) C'mon Chris, don't let them get to you! (holds up a mirror and points at his reflection sternly) You're the host, nobody here can take that away from you! Plus the drama they'll bring will be all worth it in the end! (puts down the mirror) I hope...

(Everyone looks at Charles and then around at each other, waiting for something to happen. This continues for about 5 minutes until Em speaks up.)

Em: (yawns) Okay I'll be the guinea pig. I'm heading to bed (walks off to her cabin). If I die, I'll give you a signal or something.

Parker: Honestly I was expecting someone to go off looking for a Chris Head. Y'know, reverse psychology?

Kingsley: If anyone did it now with everyone watching they'd be a fool.

Seraphina: I mean I'd love a Chris Head myself. Which one of you peasants wants to get one for me?

Bruce: ...Yeah I think we can all head back to our cabins now.

(Everyone splits off)

Seraphina: Wait, HEY! That is the cue you decided on to go back to your... (groans, smacking her forehead with her hand) Uh I mean yes, all according to plan. Now nobody's looking for one... I don't know. (throws her hands up in the air in frustration)

Seraphina (confessional): Why does life have to be so hard when nobody is doing what you want them to? I mean think about it; if everyone just agreed with me all the time and let me do anything I want, nobody would fight! We'd all live in harmony! But... (shakes head) it's just like those people back at home who think dad has the right idea. I may need to rethink my strategy here...

---

ENVIOUS EMUS CABIN

(Leading the team into their brand new cabin, Shuji takes a second to fully take in his new surroundings... which honestly weren't really much. Upon each wall of the cabin that wasn't occupied by the entrance there was a bed; a rather skeletal-looking one that barely met the requirements for a bed, comprised of little more than cheap metal tubing with a thin mattress, blanket, and pillow. Next to each was a nightstand that held one of those artificial candles that are actually electric, which bathed the rapidly-darkening room in their soft flickering light. Between each bed is a curtain hanging from the ceiling that can be drawn to create a small amount of privacy)

Shuji: Home sweet home, team! (spreads his arms wide) Okay, first order of business is who gets which bed?

Sherry: (gives her teammates a look) I... don't see that really mattering much.

Shuji: So we just pick one? Sounds good to me! (lifts his bag up)

Perce: (raises finger timidly) Well actually I-

(Shuji throws his bag on the bed on the back wall, causing it to collapse) Dibs!

Perce: (drops their finger) -Never mind.

Sherry: Nice going there (places her hands on her hips) I'm sure that won't come out of Chris' wallet.

Shuji: Perce were you going to say something? (plops himself on the backboard of the bed and begins to unpack his stuff)

Perce: Uh, I was just gonna say that bed has a lot of character and really fits you!

Shuji: True though. (unearths a shield which lands with a clang on the side of his bed) So I never really got to talk to either of you that much yet. What roles do you both play in the party?

Sherry: (rolls eyes as she takes the bed on the right) The "party" huh? Designated driver?

Shuji: (looks confused for a second then shrugs it off) Uh, if you mean the leader, I usually play that role... I mean no offense but I tend to be the most experienced with this stuff. (removes a helmet from his bag and places it atop the shield, where it slides off) Though I consider myself less of a "leader" and more like "making sure everyone plays their part". What I really am is...

(A dramatic anime effect plays where the background is replaced by a billowing flame. Shuji takes a determined stance, his fist clenched as that same fire burns in his eyes)

Shuji: A WARRIOR!

(The background turns back to normal and everyone goes back to unpacking)

Shuji: No seriously though, I tend to have the highest physical stats. I occasionally try to dabble in Paladin but support's never really been my strong suit.

Perce: (raises hand) Oh oh, I can be support! I'm good at that!

Sherry: What in the Dragons and Dungeons is this?

Shuji: It's not DND, it's training for when we get Isekai'd.

Sherry: (tilts her head to the side) Ise-what now?

Sherry (confessional): So just my luck, I'm stuck on a tribe with people who just say weird gibberish to each other! ...I was going to say a generational gap but I know there are people my age that do this stuff too, so... I don't even know what I'm talking about, see? I mean, at least Perce and Shuji seem like nice people? Who would agree to an alliance? I don't know.

Perce: (turns to Sherry as they remove some ointment from their bag) I think it's LARPing?

Shuji: Ehhhh (tilts his hand up and down) Kinda? I guess that works as a comparison for the uninitiated. So Sherry, what are your skills?

Sherry: (pulls out a Dabu buff) Oh I don't have many skills, I'm just some lady who watches Survivor-

Shuji: Dude, that's a skill! (gestures to her in shock) I don't know shit about Survivor. By Total Drama standards, you're like, the ultimate mage probably.

Sherry: I mean that's kind of the plan (chuckles) but really? Mage?

Shuji: Sure why not? There's plenty of ways for you to hone your mana points, and your magic points.

Sherry: (turns to Perce) Do you have any idea what he's talking about?

Perce: Uh... you've played Pokemon right? Think of it as like special attack and special defense. (blushes as they pull out a cup) Erhem excuse me (makes to close the curtains)

Shuji: Dude there's no shame in having a cup. Armor is very important

Perce: (snaps for a second) Could you not call me dude?! (shrinks back) Uh sorry...

Perce (confessional): I know that I'm not exactly the most... (rubs the back of their head) "assertive" person around, and I definitely need to work on that... but yeah there are a few things that I can be a bit more assertive with, and those times... they just make me feel awful about myself, like that I maybe hurt someone, I don't know. (hugs their legs) Should I not feel bad?

Shuji: (looks taken aback) Uh sorry du, uh, Perce. Is that because of the uh... (looks around awkwardly)

Perce: (looks like they're trying to say something but can't find the words)

Sherry: (quickly) Okay we all know that Perce is intersex, we were all told before the show. Shuji, if they say their uncomfortable with something heed that, but also Perce, Shuji clearly didn't mean anything by it. He just called me "dude" too.

Shuji: Yeah I call everybody "dude".

Perce: Yeah I guess (looks sheepishly to the side) Sorry for making things awkward.

Sherry: You don't need to apologize.

(The three of them sit in awkward silence for a bit)

Shuji: (claps hands) So! Sherry! You're a Survivor expert, and you're good at de-escalating situations! Perfect mage material. Perce!

Perce: Yeah?

Shuji: You said you're good at support, and that's super useful. But with those legs of yours, I'm definitely thinking rogue. Most basic parties have the Warrior/Rogue/Mage triangle.

Perce: Well... yeah I've done a lot of track and field. Almost made it to the olympics.

Shuji: D... Perce that's so cool! For you, we'll focus on Dexterity and Speed. You can mess with the monsters and buff us; really vital part of the group.

Perce: Uh... (shrugs) Yeah sure, that sounds cool. I did come out here to help people.

Shuji: And you can help us! What do you say?

Perce: Uh, sure.

Shuji (confessional): Already things are looking promising for my new party, the Emus! I'm not going to say Envious because we're not. If anything, they'll be envious of just how great of a team we are, crushing all challenges that stand in our way! Nothing will stop us, row row fight the power!

---

PRIDEFUL PRAWNS CABIN

Ulysses: Top bunk, calling it!

(In a slight departure from the Emus' cabin, the Prawns is divided into two unequal halves rather than in thirds. To the left, a lone bed and nightstand. To the right, a double-decker bed and a larger nightstand on the back wall.)

Ralph: Wait wait HOLD IT!

Ulysses: (is about to jump on the top bunk) What?

Vlokke: Ooh, Ralph's got a good point there. (a scanner pops out and examines the double-decker bed, swiping over it a few times with a blue sensor. It's as if her entire being beeps upon finishing the examination) The materials are old and rusted. If you jump on there with full momentum, you'll break the bunk.

Ulysses: (arches an eyebrow) Oh yeah, future girl? I bet I can jump on there so softly, you can't even hear me! Watch! (crouches down, getting ready to leap)

Ralph: Augie?

Augie: (barks, biting on Ulysses' pant leg causing him to fall over)

Ulysses: DUDE! (gestures toward Augie) Your stupid DOG messed up my aim!

Vlokke (confessional): Ulysses and Ralph both are... very fascinating specimens of ancient human, I'm quickly discovering. (holds up a hair, which is held in midair while more of her sensors activate, scanning the hair in all different kinds of ways. After a few seconds Vlokke buzzes again.) Oh, so that's the genome he's deficient in, interesting... (muses to herself) But I do think the most important knowledge I'm getting out of these two tonight, is what the norms of social interaction are of this time.

Vlokke: Ralph, I thank you for your preventative measures. That quick thinking may have saved that bunk. That's what it's called right? The sleeping receptacles.

Ulysses: Well it's the top bunk- (is currently trying to pry Augie off of his pant leg)

Ralph: (places his bag on the bottom bunk and takes out some pet foods) We usually call these "beds".

Vlokke: And "bunk" is only used in terms of prepositional relations it seems. I'll keep that in mind. Also I believe it would be polite for me to apologize to you?

Ralph: (opens up a bag of cat food) For what?

Vlokke: When you were offended by the meat conversation. (takes a seat in the air) Please, I hope you can elaborate further on how food is different in this time than my own so I may have the clarity to avoid another faux pas.

Ralph: (sighs, pouring the cat food into a bowl, and Skimbles tentatively approaches. He gives him a scratch behind the ears) Well if you say so...

Ralph (confessional): So honestly, I'm really impressed that Vlokke took the time to apologize. I mean... look at what team we're on (points to the blue prawn logo at the top of the screen) I really appreciate it. We even had a pretty interesting conversation about how food works between times... like apparently in her time they just... grow meat. Without an animal. I... don't know how to feel about that (gives a lopsided grimace to the camera) It's like on one hand, they aren't killing animals, but on the other, couldn't that meat have been an animal if they didn't use it for meat? I don't know...

Vlokke: (continuing her explanation) It's just stem cells; basic stuff. You feed them genetic code and proteins and they use those to grow and multiply, until they form meat fit for human consumption.

Ralph: Well yeah, we can't do that yet. Our meat comes from actual animals that have been born, have had lives, and are cruelly and prematurely killed. I can't blame you for finding it barbaric.

Vlokke: (places a hand to her chest) Oh it does. But I do notice, your cat has canid teeth.

Skimbles: (eating his cat food)

Vlokke: That assumes the animal is designed to eat meat. Or is there a way to feed them an herbivorous diet you have discovered?

Ralph: (sighs) Not yet. Hopefully soon. Until then, I have to respect nature's decisions.

Ulysses: Okay but can you respect my decision to GET THIS DOG OFF ME.

Ralph: Oh sure, it's just about time for Augie's dinner anyway.

Skimbles: (gives a contented purr, rolling over next to an empty bowl)

Ralph: Looks like it's time for someone to go to sleep. (picks up Skimbles and places him on the top bunk, where he curls up)

Ulysses: ...And can you respect my decision to GET THIS CAT OFF MY BED?

Ralph: (looks insulted) You think I'm letting Skimbles sleep on the floor? Are you a madman?!

Ulysses: But I CALLED that bunk! I CALLED IT!

Vlokke: You can use the other bed. I don't need it.

Ulysses: (crosses arms in a huff) Thanks I guess... (plops down on the other bed)

Ulysses (confessional): Vlokke's cool, she gave me her bed, but I'm still not happy. You know why? (puts his face into the camera) Because Ralph broke the BRO CODE! (jabs a finger into the camera) When a bro calls a bunk, you let the bro have the bunk. That's like, the ways of the jungle. The golden rule. You and your stupid animals better watch yourselves Ralph, you hear me? You do NOT break the bro code and get away with it!

---

SLOTHFUL SLUGS CABIN

(The Slugs' cabin was pretty much identical to to the Prawns', but none of the three really had much to say about it. It was clear that they were all pretty tired, and thus mostly kept to themselves, only bringing up a few words when they deemed it necessary.)

Melvin: (drops his bag in the middle of the floor) So, uh I take it I... (jerks his head towards the lone bed)

Em: (yawns) Go for it.

Melvin: (grabs his bag again) Uh, y'know, because I'm the guy, and-

Em: Nobody cares. Just take it. (throws her bag to the lower bunk but it's a little short and it slides off the side of the bed)

Melvin: (nods) Y-yeah, sure. (places his bag on the lone bed, then proceeds to turn it in a few directions before starting to unpack)

Samira: (climbs onto the top bunk) Yo, I'm like... so high

Em: (snorts)

Samira: (realizes that she needs to hook up her bong and climbs back down to the nightstand)

Melvin: (watches the two of them with trepidation as he unearths a photograph from his bag. It's him, his parents, and his two sisters at a graduation party, all smiling)

Melvin (confessional): Man I'm worried... Hopefully Chef keeps my melatonin in order so I can sleep, but even with that I'm worried. These beds are none too comfortable after all. What if I can't sleep? What if we can't win any challenges? What if me worrying about not winning any challenges means I can't sleep? (grips his face in worry) Uuuggggghhhhh... stop worrying Melvin. Tomorrow's a new day. Worry about it when it happens.

Samira (confessional): Yo, bruv, I like... can't remember the last time I like didn't feel like partyin' all throughout the night, but tonight man... The day just felt like so much of a party, y'know? I'm in a new team and we're all chill, and it's tight as shit. And I'm on Hell on Earth, which is metal as fuck. I dunno man... I don't think I'm making any sense. But the vibes tonight are tired.

Em (confessional): So the three of us just, you know, walk into our cabin, and we unpack our stuff, and conk. We're all asleep, like immediately. Now for me, that's normal. Browsing the internet is tiring enough, imagine having to deal with jet lag. But again, I was hoping I'd be on a team with people who aren't like me. So it's like, okay I guess we're fucked. I don't know what to do about it, I don't want to think about what to do about it, it just is what it is. (shrugs) The only reprieve is that other teams apparently lose too, so we got to hope they just eat each other alive somehow.

---

GREEDY GIRAFFES CABIN

(Moving onto the Giraffes' cabin, the contrast is remarkably severe. Once again it's the same layout as most of the other cabins, but several lamps have been placed, illuminating the cabin as to make it look almost unrecognizable. It was clear the occupants had no interest in sleeping anytime soon.)

Demytrius: (watches as Kingsley unpacks yet another lamp from her large suitcase) Okay I love jacking up the power bill as much as the next guy, seeing as I don't pay it, but... is this really necessary?

Kingsley: (hooks up the lamp and turns it on, completing the effect of making the cabin look like a midday office building) I find that having a clear view of my partners makes it much easier for everyone to communicate. Now then, Charles. You mind listening to what I have to say?

Charles: (grunts, his back turned to Kingsley as he places a wooden carving of a horse on the nightstand) What is it?

Kingsley: (sits cross-legged on her bed, folding her hands over her lap as she gazes intently at the bunk on the other side of the room) Charles. Sit on your bed and face me. I want to make sure you're listening.

Demytrius: Can I listen too?

Kingsley: Well I see no reason for you not to, though some of the events relate to Charles' and my previous... shall we say "altercation"?

Charles: Yeah the part where she formed an alliance on the ride here and told 'em all, in my face that I'm the first boot.

Demytrius: (grabs the side of his matress, chuckling as he peers from his top bunk down at the two) Who's the alliance?

Charles: Bruce-

Kingsley: (rattles them off on her fingers) Bruce Lil Melvin Parker Perce. Figured I might as well make the strong players believe I'm with them first.

Demytrius: And you didn't even think of inviting me? I'm hurt. (frowns)

Kingsley: Charles, face me.

Charles: (groans, sitting down roughly on his bed and faces her with venom) Okay what?

Kingsley: My true alliegance is here. With you.

Demytrius: And me?

Kingsley: You is plural in this case.

Charles: (narrows his eyes) And why should I trust y'all?

Kingsley: Because I will practice what I preach here. Now then (interlocks fingers) Shall I go over people I would consider targeting?

Charles: (rolls eyes) I could give a few suggestions...

Kingsley: Eyes. On. Me.

Charles (confessional): Yeah, Kingsley ain't makin' it even remotely easy to trust her here. If she's just gonna make a day alliance with a group then turn around and tell someone else "hey guess what y'all I lied", what exactly is stoppin' her from just sayin' any alliance she's makin' is a lie? But if she really thinks I'm dumb 'n can be duped... I 'spose I could see where this is headed.

Kingsley: I feel the most obvious possible target is in fact Bonita.

Charles: Bonita... (starts envisioning her in his head and starts losing himself in his thoughts)

Kingsley: (snaps fingers) Earth to Charles. I take it it's obvious why? Her potential effect on people's psyche...

Charles: (snapped out of it) Oh, oh yeah, I reckon that's true.

Demytrius: If I were her I'd just be building an army of lovesick slaves.

Charles: If we ain't careful she could take ahold of every man here.

Kingsley: -And woman, and Perce.

Charles: (looks shocked) Do you like her too?

Kingsley: (momentarily shudders, resisting the urge to turn her head away from Charles in embarrassment) I've been straight my entire life but looking at that woman's face has been enough to make me reconsider... (clears throat) So we agree? Whenever we find an opportunity...?

Charles: So when Lust loses a challenge?

Demytrius: Should we sabotage them or something?

Kingsley: (shakes head) No no no, far too risky. Someone like her would not be easy to eliminate. It would require finesse, perhaps gaslighting and manipulation, or at the very least taking out the blindest of the blind surrounding her. Her abilities seem far more potent than even Justin's before her.

---

LUSTFUL LIZARDS CABIN

Bonita: Okay, let's try this again...

(Once again there's little difference between the Lizards' cabin and the others, beyond the general atmosphere provided by the campers that ended up there. In particular Bonita had opted to remove her helmet once again, leaving Ocean and Parker speechless and sputtering, their faces beet red)

Bonita: I appreciate the flattery of you two; really, I do. But if we're going to be a team that needs to perform in challenges and all, I just can't have you two just stand there mouths agape and doing nothing. So please, just let me know that you're listening... somewhere in there.

Ocean: (silently bobs her head)

Bonita: Okay that's one. Parker?

Parker: (is unresponsive)

Bonita: ...Well at least you didn't go to the bathroom this time...

Parker: (instinctively jerks his arm towards the door handle)

Bonita: STOP

Parker: (he stops)

Bonita: (sighs) Okay, you're listening I guess... but we've got a ways to go still, por que as pessoas sempre têm que ser assim quando eu preciso delas?

Bonita (confessional): If all we reach is the point where those two are just mindless zombies that'll follow my every word without question, I'll count that as a win. (frowns) At least then they'll be helping win challenges, because let's face it; garotas like me, tend to be targets in games like these and I don't want to face the Campfire Ceremony every night I'm out here.

Ocean & Parker (confessional): (The two of them are sitting together, still in a bit of a stupor)

Parker: Please tell me you know Portuguese.

Ocean: ... (looks at Parker in astonishment) I thought that was Spanish.

Parker: Aren't you the writer here?!

Ocean: An English writer! (raises her arms in exasperation) What do you expect from me?

Parker: I don't know! I thought writers were good with different languages I don't know.

Ocean: Okay we're getting sidetracked here. (looks to the camera) So Bonita's like, trying to get us to comply with her more, and we're both agreeing we have to try harder here to meet her demands.

Parker: (chimes in) It's really hard, but for a lady like her, I think it's worth it.

Ocean: It's super worth it. She's really nice and talented and... and... (drools a little bit)

Parker: And she deserves us at our best.

Ocean: (nods quickly) Yeah, yeah.

---

GREEDY GIRAFFES CABIN

Kingsley: (continuing the earlier conversation) So we all know Bonita should be a target, but we should also consider more short-term targets. Pawns who would be easy to eliminate, to assume control of the game quickly and decisively.

Charles: Her teammates perhaps? The anime kid 'n the writer?

Kingsley: Shuji isn't on her team... (raises an eyebrow)

Charles: No not him the other anime kid, the one with the, uh... what's her face, Luhffy pin an' the others I don't know.

Demytrius: It's pronounced "Loo-ffy"

Kingsley: First off that was a pin of... Nami I believe?

Demytrius: Yeah, good taste.

Kingsley: ...Second off no, I need to keep appearances with the fake alliance for a while and Parker's in that.

Charles: (scoffs) Some "fake alliance" y'all got there.

Kingsley: I don't expect you to understand my gameplay at the depths required. (clears throat) No, I'm thinking if the Lust team wins invincibility, we can perhaps target Gavin?

Charles: (raises eyebrow) Gavin?

Demytrius: The guy who just is... there?

Kingsley: (raises a finger) Exactly. The man reminds me far too much of Owen, and you know how Owen did. He sat there, he did nothing but be relatively nice and unassuming. Won the first season, made it far every other time.

Charles: (mulls it over)

Kingsley: Figures you two didn't get it at first; that's how the strategy works.

Kingsley (confessional): Okay honestly... I just really fucking hate Owen. Like it makes perfect strategical sense to go after his strategy, true (straightens herself up) but it's also just a strategy I personally cannot stand. Especially the fact that it so often works. Just being gross and somehow getting people to like you in spite of that, yet also being just enough of an idiot that people don't pin you as a social threat... (pretends to vomit) Just like Charles, it's a lazy, effortless strategy that I cannot respect.

---

GLUTTONOUS GERBILS CABIN

Gavin: Geromino! (does a big belly flop upon his bed, which miraculously doesn't break, though the squeak of the metal was a bit ominous. Turns out the Gerbils' cabin was one of the few that differed slightly from the others; the three beds were positioned on each wall like in the Emus' cabin, but each bed was noticeably much bigger and had a much thicker frame than in the other cabins. Granted they did look just as crude and uncomfortable though...)

Travis: Wow... (puts a hand on his mattress) All three of these beds are equally huge. It's almost like Chris was stereotyping.

Patty: Maybe ye were a last-minute replacement lad. (takes a seat on her bed, which with a huge CCCCCRRRRRRAAAAAACK! ... still manages to hold. However the floor underneath the legs gave out, lowering the bed by a few inches. Patty didn't seem to mind)

Travis: I don't know which scenario I like less... (shakes head)

Gavin: Hey, (stops bouncing on his bed) why don't you look at the bright side of it? You get a really big bed!

Patty: (laughs) Right ye are!

Travis: (twists his mouth)

Gavin (confessional): So far I think my strategy is really working! I like my team a lot, we're having fun and I haven't heard anyone think about writing my name down! (raises arms up) WOOHOO! Man, I should've signed up for this show years ago!

Gavin: (lays on his stomach, propping his head up with his fist as he looks at Patty) So have you thought about what you're gonna make for breakfast tomorrow?

Patty: Well Chef's got a few things in the fridge like, (lists off on her fingers) some leftover pancake batter, almost t' it's expiration date, 'n there's some essentials like butter 'n milk, but he was definitely understocked. I'll hafta find out his provider 'n get a bigger selection of foods delivered to the island n' a good schedule. (looks back to Gavin) Ye mind givin' some ideas 'bout what ye might like fer th' day after tomorrow?

Gavin: Ooh, sooooo much! (starts salivating) We can have pizza! Might I recommend some meat-lovers, some veggie-lovers, some hawaiian...

Patty: (writing ingredients down) Mhm mhm.

Travis (confessional): So Gavin and Patty just start talking about food some more. That's great, truly makes me feel like a part of the team. (sighs) Yeah I eat food, but I don't obsess over it! There's a lot of it, I eat it, it's gone. I don't really care about it. But those two, they're obsessed, which is clearly why Chris recruited them, and had to put them on the same team! (raises his arms in frustration) When what we should be focusing on is winning challenges and not getting voted off!

Travis: (annoyed) Do you think we should think about what the challenge could be?

Gavin: (looks at Travis confusedly) What, and ruin the surprise?

Travis: So we could do better at it?

Patty: Laddie, how th' heck're we supposed ta know what the challenge is?

Travis: We can guess based on previous seasons.

Gavin: What are the previous first challenges again?

Patty: Uh... I remember the 1000 foot dive 'n hot tub thing.

Gavin: Then was the uh... (racks his brain) ... nah this is boring. Don't worry Travis, I'm sure we'll all do great at whatever it is!

Travis: ...Next was the Monster Movie thing.

Gavin: Whatever!

Travis: Listen guys-

Patty: Nae laddie, how 'bout ya listen. (points a finger at Travis) Sorreh I gotta be Wee Miss Stern Patty 'gain here but this ain't gonna help, understood? No use worryin' 'bout somethin' we don't even know.

Travis: ... So can we focus on like, strategy?

Gavin: With everyone in their cabins going to sleep? Dude, Travis; we can do that in the morning when we can hang out with everybody, okay?

Patty: True, true. We're jus' three. If ye want strategy, it's better t'have more numbers, I'd suppose.

Gavin: Besides the best strategy is making friends, and there are so many potential friends out there!

Travis: ... (sighs) Okay fine I'll drop it. Good night. (turns off his artificial candle)

Gavin: (turns to Patty and whispers) Do you think he'll be alright?

Patty: (her face creases into a frown)

Patty (confessional): I feel real bad fer th' laddie. Not fittin' in with th' two of us, just worried 'bout the game 'n all even b'fore it's started. I danae if I c'n help 'im, 'cause that's up ta 'im if he wants ta be helped, but I hope he'll come 'round t' it.

---

GREEDY GIRAFFES CABIN

Charles: (finishes mulling Kingsley's words over) Okay y'know what? Fine. I can see your logic. I can vote out Gavin. But if we do this, this whole alliance thing... (turns to Kingsley as he finishes pacing) I need to have a say, and you're going to have to prove that this alliance is a fair and just one.

Kingsley: (raises an eyebrow) How so?

Charles: Once Gavin's out, we vote out Parker.

Kingsley: (opens her mouth to speak)

Charles: You heard me.

Kingsley: I implore you, Ocean is a perfectly viable option...

Charles: Yeah but that won't prove anything. I need to know for sure this is your real alliance. That you'll value my opinion. Because if ya don't... well (bristles mustache)

Kingsley: I applaud the backbone you just grew. Alright, I will agree to your proposal. Shake on it? (holds hand out)

Charles: (firmly handshakes Kingsley) Now if you'll excuse me... I need a breath of fresh air. (heads out)

Kingsley: (watches as Charles roughly closes the door behind him) Asshole

Demytrius: (snickering) You aren't keeping that deal, are you?

Kingsley: Oh hell no.

Charles (confessional): Again, I've been 'round those sneaky business types like Kingsley. I know she just wants to use me. In that case, well... two can play at that game.

---

WRATHFUL WALRUSES CABIN

Seraphina (confessional): (tosses one of her long pigtails to the side) Okay, so, my brand new plan for taking this game by storm... (retches) Actually trying to make nice with my servants. That shouldn't be too hard, right? All I need to do is get them to stop being awful and they will stop angering me, riiiiight? Because these shitty servants for some stupid reason will only listen to me if I'm not angry at them, riiiiiiiight? Question now is, how do I make them stop being awful? Hm... (twirling some of the hair on that pigtail idly in thought)

(Upon seeing the cabin, the Walruses can't help but make their disappointment clear, especially a certain someone.)

Seraphina: Okay, hold it. (holds her arms out, stopping Bruce and Lil) How am I... I mean we supposed to sleep in such shitty beds?

Lil: (rolling eyes) Ungrateful little... I mean of course you of all people would complain.

Bruce: (sighs)

Seraphina: Anybody should complain about this. This... (gestures towards one of the beds, which has a spring poking out of the mattress) is inhumane. It's cruel to allow anybody to-

Lil: Oh I'm sorry your Highness, that this summer camp doesn't have king-sized, triple quilted, whatever the fuck stupid bed you have at your kingdom.

Bruce: Girls, please

Seraphina: (turns toward Lil, her teeth gritting) Let me go get Chris to demand better beds so-

Lil: (lays on a bed, crossing her legs as she allows her shoes to fall off, revealing socks with holes in them) The bed's literally fine, drama queen. Suck it up.

Seraphina: (starting to lose it) Can you put your revolting feet away, there are other people here

Lil: Oh I'm sorry (baby voice) Am I making you uncomfortable uwu?

Bruce: Seraphina, calm down. Lil, stop angering her.

Seraphina: (sticking a finger to Bruce's chin) Do not tell me to calm down.

Lil: I'll stop angering her when she stops making it so easy.

Seraphina: Shut up, both of you! (slams door) This strategy was a stupid idea- oh... it's you. What's your face?

(Outside the cabin Charles just happened to be headed that way and bumped into Seraphina)

Charles: Pardner, y'all have no idea how relievin' it is that you don't immediately recognize me. I'm Charles, remember?

Seraphina: I don't bother myself with anything seemingly unimportant.

Charles: Ya mind if I make myself important?

Seraphina: (shrugs) I mean I won't stop you from any pitiful attempt you'd make.

Charles: Right. So I couldn't help but notice, y'all've been havin' a bit of a hard time with the people y'all been stuck with.

Seraphina: Oh you have no idea. Bruce and Lil are the actual fucking worst people. Lil is a shitty bully, and Bruce is a shitty enabler. I can't decide who's worse.

Charles: (spits to the side) Eyup, sounds 'bout right. My team's much the same. Have I told ya how much Kingsley's been disrespectin' me? Real piece of work she is, makin' all sorts of fake alliances everywhere, 'n tryin' ta make me believe the one she has with me is real.

Seraphina: (raises an eyebrow) If you're going to ask me for an alliance just fucking get to it already.

Charles: Alliance and a new bed fer ya. Because when I form an alliance, I wanna stay loyal. I'll show her.

Seraphina: (smirks) Okay, perhaps you may not be irrelevant after all. You've got my attention.

Seraphina (confessional): ...Yeah I cannot believe for even a second I convinced myself to turn away from what works. Like, being nice to jackasses? Please. All I need to do is be my charming perfect little self, and soon enough the people who matter will come. to my aid. They know their place. And it's high-time I remember mine.

Charles (confessional): This first day out here... it's been utter garbage. But I ain't takin' it standin', nosiree. Everyone's tellin' me, I don't deserve my pa's fortune, y'all ain't gonna do nothin' with it, y'all ain't never done nothin', but nope, not anymore. If everyone thinks I'm worthless, that I'm just gonna be the biggest stupidest goat this game's ever seen... I'll show 'em a real goat. I'll bring the even bigger goat to the end. That'll show them, when they're force to see I've done somethin', n' they're forced to support me, because ain't no one gonna support her. Total Drama, I say... bring. It. On.

(The confessional zooms out, revealing it to be on a TV screen being watched by Chris who is in the middle of his facial. He lifts up a cucumber from his eye and gives the TV a smirk)

Chris: Now there's the seeds for some drama! I knew once they'd stop bullying me they'd deliver! (turns to the camera) So there you have it folks. 21 brand new campers have arrived on the island. They've been put into teams, they've started to get to know each other a little, started up a little strategy too. One of them even got Chef to cry!

Chef: (offscreen) I did not cry!

Chris: (yells back) Your soul definitely did! (faces the camera again, placing the cucumber slice back on his eye) But none of them know what horrors await them, when I introduce them to their first challenge! Who will rise? Who will fall? Who will be the first person voted out of Pasa Island? Be sure to tune in next week to find out, here on...

TOTAL

DRAMA

HELL ON EARTH!

---

ENVIOUS EMUS

PERSEVERANCE - THE ATHLETIC SUPPORTER

SHERRY - THE SURVIVOR SUPERFAN

SHUJI - THE SHONEN PROTAGONIST

GLUTTONOUS GERBILS

GAVIN - OWEN 2.0

PATTY - THE SWEET BAKER

TRAVIS - THE COMPETITIVE EATER

GREEDY GIRAFFES

CHARLES - THE NEPOBABY

DEMYTRIUS - THE KLEPTOMAGICIAN

KINGSLEY - THE SELF-MADE WOMAN

LUSTFUL LIZARDS

BONITA - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD

OCEAN - THE ROMANCE NOVELIST

PARKER - THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC

PRIDEFUL PRAWNS

RALPH - THE ANIMAL LOVER

ULYSSES - THE GUY WHO PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL

VLOKKE - THE TIME TRAVELER

SLOTHFUL SLUGS

EM - THE NEET

MELVIN - THE INDECISIVE

SAMIRA - THE PARTY ANIMAL

WRATHFUL WALRUSES

BRUCE - THE ZEN MASTER

LIL - THE MMA BULLY

SERAPHINA - THE PERFECT LITTLE PRINCESS