There are trigger warnings for references to rape in this chapter, as well as a brief mention of Charles Patton.
The next chapter is the final one of the story and will contain major trigger warnings. I'll try to get it posted soon.
Olivia sits on Amanda's bed with her arms wrapped around the small detective in front of her, legs encircling the trembling body and cheek resting against a bent blonde head, Amanda leaning into her embrace and weeping softly into her shoulder. The younger woman has not spoken for several minutes now; not since she had begged Olivia to stay with her, and the only sounds in the room are Amanda's heartbreaking cries and Olivia's quietly murmured assurances into her ear.
She knows that the physical and emotional pain are taking quite a toll on her colleague and feels a tinge of guilt for pushing a bit too hard to get Amanda to talk about her nightmare. The other woman has opened up more that night than she has in the past several years, sharing more about her personal life than she ever has since transferring to New York in 2011, and Olivia thinks it might be a good idea to start backing off a bit since Amanda quite clearly needs a break.
Her heart is aching at the detective's obvious anguish and although she is not yet privy to the details, she now knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the abuse had gone beyond the emotional and the physical. Her thoughts stray briefly to what had happened with Amanda's deputy chief back in Atlanta and the realization that she has been through this kind of thing more than once in her life is hitting Olivia very hard, her arms tightening protectively around the small woman in her embrace, aware that there is nothing she can do to change the past but that she can make Amanda feel safe and secure in the present.
"We don't have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable," Olivia says quietly, repeating what she had said a few minutes prior. "We don't have to talk at all, if that's what you would prefer. But I want you to know that anything you say will stay between the two of us, okay? You can trust me, Amanda, I promise you that."
She feels the other woman nod against her shoulder and rubs a gentle hand up and down her back, fingertips tracing light designs over the flannel material of Amanda's pajama shirt. "I know that, Liv," the detective whispers, lifting her head up and fixing Olivia with watery, bloodshot eyes. "Thank you for being someone I can trust. And thank you for listening to me." There is a slight pause, Amanda's gaze straying away from her own and drifting down to her lap. "But I don't think I can talk anymore right now."
"That's okay," Olivia replies softly, a mixture of disappointment and relief coursing through her as she thinks Amanda might feel better to unburden herself even further but doesn't want to put any undue pressure on the smaller woman, feeling like she herself is becoming too emotional with the situation and is having trouble containing the tears that are pricking insistently at her eyelids. "Why don't we just try to go back to sleep, alright? There's plenty of time to continue this discussion in the morning, if that's what you want to do."
"Sounds good," Amanda mumbles as she slowly pulls away and scoots backward across the mattress, her mouth dragging down into a grimace at the painful motions, and Olivia notices that she is still avoiding her gaze. "I'm just going to use the bathroom first. I'll be back in a few minutes."
"Do you need some help?" Olivia frowns in concern and reaches out a hand to support the younger woman as she slips over the side of the bed and gets to her feet in the same wobbly, unbalanced fashion as earlier.
"I think I'm capable of taking care of business in there by myself, Liv," Amanda mutters dryly, rolling her eyes but still steadfastly refusing to meet Olivia's gaze.
There is something about Amanda's demeanor that is vaguely off-putting and has Olivia feeling slightly on edge with the situation but she remains where she is on the bed, watching the detective walk away with an unsteady gait and listening to the small gasps of pain that the movements seem to elicit. She settles back against the pillows and crosses her arms over her chest, trying in vain to relax and push down the faint uneasiness that is swirling inside her gut.
Olivia doesn't feel okay with leaving Amanda alone for any length of time right now, the other woman clearly overcome with intense emotional and physical agony as the middle-of-the-night secrets of her youth seem to hang heavily in the air above the bed like something tangible that she can reach out and touch, but she knows Amanda needs her privacy at the moment and vows to keep an ear open for any sounds of distress emanating from the next room.
A few minutes later Olivia hears the tap being turned on and sighs in relief, figuring Amanda is close to finishing up and will be re-joining her in the bed very shortly. She allows eyelids that are burning with fatigue to flutter closed, her head sinking further into the pillows, and struggles to remain awake long enough for Amanda to come back into the room. Despite her best efforts, Olivia feels those insistent tendrils of slumber wrapping themselves around her and tightening their hold, dragging her into blissful unconsciousness as the sound of running water dims in her hearing until there is nothing at all.
Olivia jerks awake, her eyes flying wide open in alarm when she realizes that she had let herself fall asleep before Amanda had returned to the bedroom. A glance at the clock shows that less than half an hour has passed since she had drifted off into a light slumber, but that she is still alone in the room, her colleague nowhere to be seen. Olivia yanks herself into a sitting position on the mattress and hurriedly struggles to her feet, her heart beginning to pound wildly in her chest because there has been more than enough time for Amanda to complete whatever task she had gone into the bathroom to do but there is still no sign of the detective.
The bathroom door is tightly shut and the complete and utter silence permeating the entire apartment has the hair on the back of Olivia's neck standing on end, as the quiet has never sounded quite so deafening before. Cocking her head to the side to listen very carefully, she raises an arm to knock but can't catch even so much as an exhaled breath of air from the other side.
"Amanda?" she calls out, her voice sounding unnaturally loud in the hush of the night, rapping lightly on the door and trying to conceal her swiftly rising anxiety. "You've been in there for a long time now. Is everything okay?"
Olivia's question is met with more silence and the worry that has begun churning inside her gut is threatening to explode into an all-out panic, an incredible amount of guilt mixing in to make her feel even worse about the situation, chastising herself for giving into the exhaustion and falling asleep. She knocks and calls Amanda's name again, both actions louder this time, and when she still doesn't receive a response, Olivia cautiously turns the handle and eases the door open to peer inside, relieved to find it unlocked.
The first thing that catches her attention is the polka-dotted pajama shirt that is lying in a heap on the floor next to the matching pajama pants and a pair of underwear. She follows the trail of messily-shed clothing with an uneasy gaze until she raises her eyes to see Amanda sitting in the empty bathtub, her violently shivering body mostly hidden by the porcelain siding, blonde head bent forward and long hair partially obscuring her pinched and pale face.
Olivia's heart immediately seizes in her chest at the painful sight and she finds herself blinking back tears once again, a hand coming up to cover her mouth briefly as she witnesses the other woman's intense distress. Amanda's trauma seems to be having a very powerful affect on her and she finds herself overcome with emotion, Olivia trying to hold it all inside as she takes a tentative step toward the tub, careful to stay back far enough to give the other woman some semblance of privacy but needing to make sure that Amanda is okay.
"Honey, what's going on?" she asks softly. "What are you doing in there?"
She watches Amanda's shoulders hunch up to her ears in response but the detective doesn't verbally reply, so she takes another small step toward the tub. The younger woman's entire body appears stiff and on high alert, like she is anticipating an attack of some kind, and Olivia is not sure if Amanda is reacting negatively to her presence or to whatever is tormenting her in her own mind, so she makes sure to keep her distance, hands raising high into the air in a non-threatening gesture even though Amanda has yet to spare her with so much as a glance.
"Were you trying to take a shower again?" Olivia questions gently, remembering that Amanda had attempted this dangerous act in her drug-induced state, but a little confused as to why she would be trying again now that the other woman is fully aware of her injuries and knows her limitations, common sense dictating that she should wait until she can actually stand up for longer than a few minutes at a time and is not covered in bandages.
Olivia is immensely relieved when Amanda gives a slight nod in answer to her question, the smaller woman at least choosing to acknowledge that she has company in the bathroom now, and Olivia is somewhat encouraged by this response. "Honey, do you remember that we talked about waiting a few days to take a shower? I know it's hard to wait if you're used to showering everyday, but you don't really have much of a choice right now."
"I just wanted to feel clean," Amanda mumbles nearly inaudibly, her gaze still directed down at her lap.
"I understand that, Amanda," Olivia replies patiently, slowly removing a towel from the rack without alarming the detective with her movements, as Amanda appears to be quite agitated at the moment. "I know you must not be feeling very clean right now, especially because you haven't been able to shower since before you were in the emergency room. I can help you wash off again, if you feel the need to do that right this second, but it's still too soon for you to be taking a shower."
"Washing off isn't good enough," Amanda whispers more vehemently, finally turning her head and looking up to meet Olivia's gaze with anguished blue eyes that are glittering with unshed tears. "I need a shower to feel clean."
"That's not a good idea-" Olivia cuts herself off as she studies the other woman closely, finally catching on to what Amanda is actually talking about and mentally chastising herself for taking so long to understand the situation in her exhausted, sleep-deprived state.
"I could never shower afterwards, when I was younger," Amanda says softly and there is a faraway look in her eyes now, like she is seeing someone or something that is not actually in the room with them. "Richard never left me alone long enough. He liked to watch everything I did, including that. So I always had to wait until he was out of the house."
"Afterwards?" Olivia echoes in a low tone and takes another hesitant step toward the tub with the towel clutched tightly in her hands, wanting nothing more than to wrap Amanda up in the soft, warm material as she can see her slender body shuddering harder now, the detective's confessions breaking her heart.
"Every time I even think about him, I need to scrub myself clean until my skin is raw," Amanda continues on in the same low tone as if Olivia hasn't spoken. "I feel like my skin is crawling; like that feeling won't stop until I get clean. But now I can shower all I want because no one is spying on me while I do it."
Olivia feels an immediate spike of guilt as she listens to the other woman speak, the words piercing straight through to her heart as she stands there in front of the tub while Amanda sits stark naked on the cold porcelain surface, suddenly feeling like a voyeuristic intruder and having to assure herself that this is not even remotely close to the situation that Amanda is describing from her youth.
"I was so intent on having a shower that I actually forgot I was covered in stitches and bandages until I got in here and then the pain was so bad, I had to sit down," the small detective explains, blinking up at Olivia like she is coming out of a trance and seeming to realize for the first time that she doesn't have any clothes on, her battered arms coming up to cross over her breasts. "I just wanted to get clean, Liv. That's all I wanted."
Olivia watches as Amanda's mouth drags down on a sob and the sound that suddenly rips its way out from her parted lips resembles that of a wounded animal, the hair standing straight up on the back of Olivia's neck once again as the noise seems to cut right through to her soul. She is highly tempted to climb over the side of the tub and get in there with Amanda to try and physically hold her together while she breaks apart emotionally, and it takes everything Olivia has to refrain from doing that, choosing to crouch down beside her on the floor instead.
She is not sure if Amanda wants to be touched right now, as the detective had seemed to go back and forth between accepting comfort and shunning it when they had been in the bedroom earlier, but decides to drape the towel over her trembling shoulders so she doesn't feel so exposed. Olivia wants to suggest again that she help Amanda wash off in order for her to feel cleaner, but she doesn't think that solution is going to be of much solace right now and it would probably be best to just get her distraught colleague tucked back into bed.
"I'm sorry you can't have a shower right now, honey," she says quietly, her hand hovering uncertainly in the air between them for a moment. "Amanda, is it okay if I touch you? I'm just going to help you out of there," she adds quickly, after hearing the ragged inhale of breath from the other woman.
Olivia watches as Amanda gives a consenting nod and she slowly leans forward into the tub, keeping her movements very deliberate so the detective doesn't feel afraid or unsafe in any way. "Put your arms around my neck," she instructs softly, wrapping her own arms around Amanda in return, relieved when the younger woman complies and doesn't try to pull away.
Olivia helps Amanda calmly and carefully get to her feet, trying not to show that she is feeling the exact opposite of calm right now, her thoughts and feelings racing out of control and her thundering heart threatening to betray how apprehensive she is about this whole situation, the sadness and alarm at finding Amanda huddled in the empty bathtub shredding her heart to pieces.
The next several minutes are completely silent again as Olivia sits Amanda down on the closed lid of the toilet, making sure to ask permission before lifting the towel out of the way to check on her wounds and then assisting the detective with putting her underwear and pajamas back on. Amanda has lapsed into utter quiet after the inhuman noise that had ripped from her throat earlier and she seems oddly serene now, like she has had the release that was needed, letting Olivia help her get redressed and tucked back into bed without complaint.
She feels quite unsettled when they are situated side by side beneath the covers again, Amanda shifting in pain and grunting softly on the sheets next to her, and doesn't quite know where to go from here. The lack of sleep combined with the emotional roller coaster they have been riding is clearly taking its toll on both of them, Amanda not responding at all to Olivia's reminder to wake her up if she needs to get out of bed again or her offer to talk more about what had just happened in the bathroom.
Finally, Olivia allows her heavy eyelids to flutter closed and is relieved to hear an answering snore when she whispers, "Goodnight," to Amanda.
When Olivia awakens on Sunday morning, she is not surprised to find herself alone in the bed, Amanda apparently having chosen to get up and vacate the room yet again without asking for assistance, despite the extreme amount of pain the detective had been in when they had finally fallen asleep. She swings her legs over the side of the mattress with a deep sigh and plants both feet on the floor before standing up and stretching deeply, listening to a few of her joints pop. Olivia pads out of the bedroom, throwing a quick glance into the empty bathroom to ensure that Amanda is not sitting in the tub or sprawled out across the floor, before continuing into the living room.
What does take her by surprise, however, is the unexpected sight of her feisty colleague huddled on the couch with the ridiculously giant teddy bear that Fin and Carisi had brought over the previous day as a present. Olivia stops short in her tracks with her eyebrows raised high as she takes in the scene before her, both Amanda and the stuffed animal tucked beneath a blanket and snuggled together on the cushions while cartoons play loudly on the television. The detective has her head resting on the bear's shoulder and an arm wrapped around its fluffy middle, the other woman looking small and forlorn, purple bruises of fatigue standing out starkly below swollen blue eyes, and long blonde hair rumpled and matted onto her head.
"I see you've made a new friend there," Olivia comments lightly, trying to keep the smirk off her face as she regards Amanda with a curious expression, not entirely sure if she has recently popped some more pain pills, which would totally explain this situation, or if she has just chosen to completely let her guard down now and is allowing this hidden, vulnerable part of herself to be exposed.
Amanda stares right back at her with obvious clarity and gives a derisive roll of her eyes, the younger woman's usual attitude on display, and Olivia can immediately tell that she is indeed sober at the moment and no longer at the mercy of the heavy narcotics. This only heightens her curiosity and she takes another step toward the couch, the sight of her tough colleague cuddled up with the bear proving to be both endearing and a little heartbreaking, especially since Amanda has made no move to pull herself away from the toy despite her boss standing right there in front of her. Olivia tries to keep her lips from twitching in amusement, as she is torn between bursting into laughter and the intense need to wrap the smaller woman up in her arms for a hug.
She decides not to mention the fact that Amanda had yet again gotten out of bed without waking her up, even though they have discussed this issue multiple times now, and figures it's just her natural stubbornness coming into play, or perhaps some lingering memory loss from the drugs. Olivia knows that Amanda is just so used to doing things on her own at this point in her life and that it's very hard for her to admit when she needs help, even if it means possibly aggravating her injuries. She feels privileged to see this normally well-concealed side of her colleague, even though Amanda is still having trouble asking for assistance when she needs it, and she feels like they have definitely crossed over into true friendship now, after everything they have been through together in the past couple of days.
"Are you and your buddy enjoying the cartoons?" Olivia teases gently, taking a seat on the other side of the huge stuffed animal and grunting slightly as she squeezes herself into the very small space that is left over.
Amanda shrugs nonchalantly, keeping her gaze fixed firmly on the TV screen in front of her. "I was lonely," she says in neutral voice, but there is a pink blush of embarrassment spreading across both of her pale cheeks now.
"You could have woken me up," Olivia replies softly and decides to mirror the detective's current position, laying her head down on the teddy bear's other shoulder and stretching an arm across its fuzzy belly so her hand meets Amanda's in the middle, their fingers brushing lightly together, and she has to admit that cuddling with the fluffy toy is actually quite comfortable and enjoyable.
"You've already done more than enough for me, Liv. You've gone way beyond the call of duty here," Amanda murmurs in chagrin but doesn't pull her hand away from Olivia's, instead seeming to relish in the tender physical contact.
"Remember when I told you there's no shame in asking for comfort?" Olivia reminds her quietly, hearing a slight sigh in response and deciding to change tactics. "How's the pain today? Any better?"
"No, not really," Amanda acknowledges grudgingly.
"I suppose there's not much point in asking if you want any more pain medication, then?" Olivia questions lightly, already knowing exactly what the answer is going to be before Amanda even speaks.
"Nope, not much point," the younger woman agrees flatly and Olivia blows out an exasperated breath, trying to stifle the urge to roll her eyes.
They sit silently together on the couch for the next several minutes, the obnoxious cartoons that are playing on the television the only sound in the room, until Olivia starts to feel rather foolish perched there hugging a giant stuffed bear with her injured colleague. She peers around the huge toy to try and catch a glimpse of her expression, Amanda appearing quite fragile and downcast in her polka-dotted pajamas, one of the many bandages peeking out of the collar of her shirt and mussed blonde hair obscuring part of her face.
"Would you like a hug from an actual human being instead of an inanimate object?" Olivia asks casually, tracing a gentle fingertip over Amanda's cold hand to divert her attention away from the TV.
The question is met with another round of silence and Olivia's heart sinks, preparing to apologize for making her colleague uncomfortable, when Amanda raises her head to meet her gaze and mutters a tentative, "Sure, Liv."
Olivia smiles in relief and removes the enormous stuffed animal from the cushions, placing it on the floor next to the coffee table before shifting over into the vacant spot in the middle of the couch and ducking underneath the blanket next to the detective. She holds out her arms in a welcoming gesture and Amanda sidles closer to her, leaning somewhat uncertainly against her body as Olivia's arms close around her.
"Are you only hugging me because you feel sorry for me?" Amanda suddenly whispers, a hint of shame evident in her tone as she lays her head down on Olivia's shoulder. "Because of everything I told you last night?" There is a brief, anxious pause. "And because you found me naked in the bathtub?"
"No, honey, of course not," Olivia replies softly, her heart aching at the question and her mind whirling with all of the new and upsetting information she has recently learned about the blonde, aware that there is so much more she doesn't yet know. "I'm hugging you because you said you were lonely and because you look like you could use it."
"Oh. Well, I guess it's okay, then," Amanda concedes in the same low tone as Olivia carefully tightens her hold around the small form and pulls her closer, feeling a slender pair of arms wrapping around her in return.
They are quiet once again and Olivia reaches for the remote to flick off the TV, as she has just about had enough with the irritating cartoons, and dead silence settles upon the apartment. It's not an uncomfortable silence but more contemplative, and Olivia strokes a gentle hand over Amanda's head, her cheek resting lightly against the tangled locks, and she has a feeling the other woman's mind is running about a mile a minute as she can practically hear the thoughts whirling around inside her head.
"Are you okay?" she finally murmurs, breaking the silence between them, as she is concerned that the younger woman's thoughts are spiraling deeper into darkness after divulging some of the secrets of her past during the night.
"Liv, I think it goes without saying that all of this...everything I've told you...that it stays between us," Amanda whispers as she leans back to gaze up at Olivia with piercing blue eyes, that hint of vulnerability continuing to shine through even though she is longer on the heavy medication.
"Honey, it's already been said," Olivia reminds her gently, swiping a golden strand of hair away from the other woman's face. "I would never betray your confidence. What happened all those years ago is for you to tell. Or not," she adds quickly, looking at Amanda intently now, thinking of how much has been left unspoken and wondering if she will ever hear the whole story. "It's up to you. I feel very privileged that you trusted me enough to tell me, though."
"I've never told anyone this stuff before," Amanda replies quietly, staring back at Olivia with a serious expression. "Well, aside from the people I had to tell. I don't make a habit of sharing my personal hell with others. I don't tell my friends or colleagues. I've gotten used to keeping everything to myself; I've always wanted to keep everything to myself."
She pauses briefly, blowing out a long breath before continuing. "Honestly, this never even would have come out if it wasn't for that asshole trying to kill me on Friday, and these damn drugs that I've been on. I've never been good with the strong painkillers; I can't handle them very well, even though they're a necessary evil sometimes. I never know what's going to happen when I'm on them and I usually end up talking about things that I never would have otherwise."
"Well, I'm glad it did come out, Amanda," Olivia says in response, keeping her gaze locked steadily on the younger woman and tightening her arms around the small form, ever mindful of her injuries. "Or some of it, anyway," she continues softly. "I think it needed to come out. You've been keeping everything bottled up inside for years now, and it can only hurt you. Trust me, I know."
Amanda frowns slightly at this reply and squeezes her hand gently, Olivia smiling softly at her and realizing that she may one day decide to share her own personal hell with her friend; the torment she had gone through with her own mother in her youth, but that now is definitely not the time. Amanda has been through way too much in the past couple of days; mentally, emotionally, and physically, and there is no way Olivia will be adding to that burden, at least not any time soon.
Amanda seems to sense that this is not territory she should be straying into at the moment, and closes her mouth after parting her lips briefly to respond, instead letting Olivia keep speaking. "I don't like how this whole thing came about; that you had to be hurt and on medication before sharing some of your pain with someone, but I'm glad you shared it with me."
"There's no one else I would rather have shared it with, Liv," Amanda whispers as she bites down on her lower lip and her eyes dart away for a second, Olivia raising her eyebrows instead of replying, as the other woman continues to surprise her this morning.
"I..." Amanda trails off for a moment as her gaze meets Olivia's again, wide blue eyes filled with incredible pain but perfectly clear, no traces of drugs or sleep visible now. "I feel safe with you, Liv. Even when we don't get along, when I'm not listening to you and doing as I'm told and you're snapping at me in return, I've always known that I was safe with you; that if I was ever going to talk about what had happened in my past with anyone, that you would be the one I would tell."
Olivia feels a wave of warmth spreading through her chest and radiating out through her entire body, dark eyes prickling with the sudden threat of tears and throat tight with this stunning admission from her younger colleague, having no idea that Amanda has felt this way. She recalls the other woman's drugged admission that she wished the two of them were friends, best friends even, and Olivia has not been entirely sure what is real and what is drug-induced, but Amanda doesn't have the excuse of hardcore narcotics now. The physical and emotional pain the blonde detective is currently experiencing is very obvious at the moment, but this is the real Amanda that is talking now; the one who had spilled some of her deepest, darkest secrets during the night and the one who is telling Olivia that she is the only person she feels safe enough to share these things with.
"I can't say that about too many people, Liv," Amanda says in a hushed tone, a tear balancing precariously on her lower lashes. "I know we've had our differences but there has always been something about you, even when we've been fighting; something that radiates safety and security and comfort. That must have been the reason why you were the first person to spring to mind when I had to choose someone to take home with me."
A fiery red blush suddenly spreads across the younger woman's cheeks and Olivia tilts her head to the side in perplexity, still trying as hard as she can to push down her own emotions that are threatening to burst forth from within and engulf her. "Even in my drugged state, I guess I knew that Lieutenant Livvy was going to take good care of me," Amanda mutters in embarrassment, one corner of her lip quirking up into a sheepish grin.
Olivia throws her head back and laughs loudly, the spell of seriousness seemingly broken between them for now, although her chest still feels tight with lingering emotion. "Well, I'll always be here to take good care of Detective Mandy," she teases gently, a matching grin spreading across her own face when she sees the blush darkening on Amanda's cheeks.
"Oh man, I will never live that down," the smaller woman groans, covering her eyes with her hands in a somewhat dramatic fashion, Olivia chuckling softly and reaching up to pull Amanda's fingers away and lace them together with her own.
"It's okay, honey," she assures her gently, giving their joined fingers a brief squeeze. "The nickname is actually very sweet but don't you dare tell anyone I said that," she jokingly threatens, remembering Carisi using the name in a teasing way the day before and not wanting a repeat of it. "You're the only one who can get away with calling me that, okay?"
"Okay," Amanda whispers in return, the pretty pink blush still staining her cheeks and her lips remaining curved into a small smile. "I didn't know I could get away with so much around you, Liv. You've never been so lenient with me before. Maybe I should take drugs more often, huh?" she adds cheekily and Olivia fixes her with a mock glare.
"Be careful what you try to get away with, Amanda," she warns with a chuckle. "Do I need to remind you that I came out here to find you cuddling with the giant stuffed bear that Fin and Carisi brought over? I'm sure you wouldn't want them finding out about that."
"But didn't Carisi talk about the bear being something I could cuddle with instead of cuddling with you?" Amanda murmurs as the mortification seems very apparent in both her tone and expression now, and she appears to be trying to recall the conversation that had taken place when the guys had walked in the door the day before. "I guess that didn't work out too well, did it?"
Olivia can hear the subtle change in the other woman's voice and can feel it in the sudden stiffness of her body, the embarrassment appearing to give way to shame and guilt, and she tightens her hold when Amanda tries to pull away from her. "It's okay, honey," she soothes quietly, all traces of humor and teasing disappearing from her voice. "I don't mind and you don't need to be ashamed because of it. I think you need it right now and to be perfectly honest, so do I. These last couple of days haven't been easy for me either, Amanda. It's been really hard to watch you go through all of this."
The younger woman ceases all movement when Olivia speaks, the words seeming to put a halt to her escape plan and a different expression crossing her delicate features now; one that looks to be a combination of sympathy and doubt. Amanda hovers uneasily beside her on the couch, her battered body perched warily on the edge of the cushions, and Olivia waits patiently because it looks like the detective wants to say something.
"Liv, I'm just-" Amanda stumbles on her words and Olivia nods for her to continue, an encouraging smile gracing her lips. "I'm just not used to having anyone who cares...someone who actually listens to me and believes me and wants to hold me. I've never..." The smaller woman trails off again, biting down on her lower lip before looking up at Olivia through long lashes. "I've never had this before." She gestures between the two of them with a shaky hand, seemingly incredulous with the situation. "I mean, I do have friends. Fin and Carisi are like the brothers I never had and I love them. But I've never had anyone I could actually talk to. I'm just so used to people leaving..."
"Well, that's not going to happen with me," Olivia answers in a fierce tone, thinking she might burst from the immense amount of sorrow and empathy that is coursing through her system now, so desperate to make everything okay for this woman who has been her colleague for all of these years but who she has begun to see in a different light, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be the best friend that Amanda has apparently always wanted her to be. "Please don't push me away, honey. I think that's what I've been doing to you since you got to New York; pushing you away when you wanted to be friends. I'm so sorry for that but I'm here now, Amanda, and I will never push you away again, I promise. Don't be embarrassed for leaning on me when you need to, okay?"
Amanda nods slowly in response and their eyes are trained intensely on one another now, Olivia rubbing a gentle hand up and down the other woman's arm as they gaze at each other.
"Liv..." Amanda's words are still coming out haltingly, like she is afraid to continue speaking, and Olivia nods reassuringly again, her fingertips tracing soothing circles across the material of her pajama shirt. "I'm scared," she says simply and then abruptly stops talking, wide blue eyes boring so intently into Olivia's that it sends a shiver down her spine.
"Why?" she asks softly, her brow wrinkling. "Why are you scared, honey?"
"I'm scared of your reaction," Amanda admits after a weighty pause, and there is so much emotion residing in those anguished orbs that Olivia feels a sudden tightness in her chest. "I'm scared you'll think differently of me if you knew what I did to save my sister."
"Amanda, I would never think differently of you," Olivia ensures her emphatically, her fingers tightening around the younger woman's arm. "I know Richard made you do things that you didn't want to do-"
"You don't understand, Olivia," Amanda cuts in swiftly and this time she pulls away entirely, freeing her arm from Olivia's grasp and shifting over on the cushions to create some space between them, a sharp gasp of pain emitting from her lips.
"Then help me understand," Olivia replies pleadingly, softening her tone and trying to remain seated instead of moving over to wrap Amanda back up into her protective embrace. "Talk to me, honey."
Amanda's eyes are bright with unshed tears once again, and the depth of shame and regret on her face takes Olivia's breath away. "I can't," the detective whispers raggedly, her delicate features contorted in agony. "I can't even bring myself to say the words."