Total Drama: Hell on Earth

by Vilecheese

After years of dramatic, award-winning television exploiting teenagers, the Total Drama series has gotten greenlit to age up their premise. After all, the only thing more dramatic than teenage problems are adult problems, right? Join 21 brand new campers on this hell-themed season as they all vie to be the last one standing... and hopefully get out in one piece.

2. A Walk on the Cliffside

EPISODE 2: A WALK ON THE CLIFFSIDE

(The scene begins in Chris' trailer again, where he has since left the bathroom and is now sitting in a lounge chair in his bedroom, clad in a very classy maroon robe. He was poring over his phone much how those in the past would pore over a good book; every so often he'd swipe his finger and different sounds were heard playing from his ClikClok app. At each he held a bemused expression, sliding the toothpick in his mouth back and forth.)

Chris: (lets out a hearty chuckle) Oh I do love those Generation Zed meemees. They make me feel so mature and glad I'm not one of them. (turns to the camera) Oh, (clears his throat, going back to his professional host voice) hey folks! Last time on Total... Drama... Pasa Island...

Chef: (offscreen) Pasastêhokowisiwina!

Chris: (ignores him) ...Hell on Earth...

(Clips from the previous episode begin to be shown, starting with establishing shots of the canoes that drifted down the lake)

Chris (VO): 21 brand new campers were introduced. Some...

(Clip of Patty taking over the kitchen; clip of Seraphina descending from her yacht; clip of Bonita riding in on her motorcycle, removing her helmet and stupefying most of the cast)

Chris (VO): ...left a huge impression. Others...

(Clip of Ulysses faceplanting on the dock)

Chris (VO): ...Are doing their best. But all of them want the prestigious title of Total Drama Winner, and the million dollars that go with it!

(Clips of Chris introducing the teams and each team being formed)

Chris (VO): And will likely do some really messed up things to do it. So messed up, in fact, I decided what better way to celebrate the innate evil of this show's concept by bringing it closer to hell? And also putting everyone on teams based on their primary deadly sin.

(Clip of the Greedy Giraffes scheming; clip of the Slothful Slugs dozing off; clip of the Wrathful Walruses fighting)

Chris: They say thy worst enemy is thineself, so even from the onset it seems like nobody is really getting along. Just how I like it! (rubs hands together in glee) But seeing as we only have a 22-minute timeslot there wasn't time to put those dynamics to the test. That... (raises finger) will change. Tonight, the campers will participate in their first challenge and vote off one of their own, in what I can assure will be the most dramatic campfire ceremony... EVER.

Chef: (offscreen) You say that about every campfire ceremony Chris. None of 'em have ever been that dramatic since like...uh what was it again? The giant forehead kid.

Chris: (thinks about it for a second) Nope, don't remember his name either. But I assure you, viewing audience (points to the camera) that you will remember this one! Here on Total... Drama...

Chef: (bursts into the room) Pasastêhokowisiwina Island!

Chris: (gives Chef a peeved look) ... Hell on Earth. (goes back to his phone)

---

WRATHFUL WALRUSES CABIN

(It's been a few hours since the end of the previous episode, so it was still dark outside. Inside the Wrathful Walruses Cabin however, the lights were still bright and the occupants fraught with just a little bit of worry. Bruce is kneeling, his hand to his chin as he's examining the door handle)

Lil: For the last time, Bruce. (assuming a fighting stance) Let me break the door open.

Bruce: (turns to Lil, sighing) Lil... you should know by now. Violence isn't the answer.

Lil: Well I've watched you try at least 20 other answers and none of them were correct!

Lil (confessional): So I don't know what that stupid spoiled bitch princess did, but we're locked in our cabin. I mean, it's not like I'm missing too much seeing as I don't need medication at night, but Bruce (rolls eyes) really needed to pee and if this door isn't unlocked soon, I'm going to need to pee and nobody wants to deal with me needing to pee. Especially not myself.

Bruce: Calm down Lil.

Lil: (looks incredulous) Calm down? Calm down? The cunt locked us in our cabin, how do you expect me to be calm?

Bruce: By knowing that she's going home when we lose. (takes out a paper clip from his gi and tries to jimmy it through the front door) Look; I don't like it any more than you do. But getting angry about a setback like this will not help us in the long run.

Lil: Well (places hands on her hips) being calm isn't going to make me feel any better. Kicking her stupid little face in after I break open this door will.

Bruce: That's... the point of calming down. (pulls out the paper clip and sighs)

Bruce (confessional): (takes a deep breath) It may just be in our best interests to lose this first challenge at the rate we're going. I don't like the idea normally, but Seraphina... (shakes head) She's clearly a piece of work, and I don't want her to get any kind of foothold in this game. ...Okay that should be it, now then... (flushes the toilet in the confessional)

Lil: Okay that's it. (wrenches Bruce from the door then gets into a crouching stance in front of the door)

Bruce: STOP Lil, you could compromise the entire-

Lil: On three. One... (crouches lower) Two... (steels her gaze)

Bruce: (covers his eyes) This shelter's gonna die-

(CRAAAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHH)

Bruce: Lil I told you-

Lil: That wasn't me you idiot! (turns her head from her stance, and her eyes widen in shock when she sees that the roof of the cabin has been torn off.) What the fuck

(Hovering above the cabin are two helicopters. One has ripped off the roof and is still holding it by a rope, while the other is carrying something fairly large, but still smaller than the roof. A man calls over to the side.)

Man: Which bed is it, Mac?

Charles: (is still outside, standing next to Seraphina) Seraphina which one is yours?

Seraphina: (shrugs) Do you think I care? Just tell them to remove any of the beds. All of them for all I care.

Charles: (yelling at the man) The one on the right!

Man: (calls up) The one on the right!

(The helicopter drops off another rope and hooks on Lil's bed, dragging it up into the sky)

Lil: What the fuck are you doing with my bed?!

(The helicopter then drops its load; a much fancier bed, black and gold with extremely comfortable-looking pillows and blankets soft as silk)

(The door of the cabin clicks a bit before opening up, revealing Seraphina looking quite intrigued by the events)

Seraphina: (runs a hand on the mattress of the new bed) Well it's still not great but it'll do. What did you say that app was again Charles?

Charles: (holds up his phone) Glamazon. Ya know... the one my pa founded?

Seraphina: I may have to start using it, especially if the service is that prompt.

Charles: Uhhhh... (looks off to the side embarrassedly) Sure.

Charles (confessional): I ain't tellin' her the special expedited 30-minutes-or-less delivery is only available to me. She can spend the money on the app then learn that.

(The commotion outside had started to awaken the rest of the campers, most of whom are blearily staggering over to outside the Wrathful Walruses Cabin, rubbing their eyes and yawning)

Shuji: (brandishing his sword and shield) HARK! Who do I need to slay tonight?

(Most of the campers briefly give Shuji a look before turning back to Seraphina, who proceeds to taunt them)

Seraphina: Oh don't mind me, I'm just getting my special treatment for being a princess~ (laughs and closes the door to the cabin while the helicopters fly away, placing the roof back on before they do so)

Kingsley: (shakes her head, crossing her arms over the tie she hastily placed on over her pajamas) Charles, do we need to talk?

Charles: I reckon I don't. (to everyone else) Sorry y'all, bitch just wouldn't leave me alone 'til I did that. Believe me, only reason I did it was to shut her up.

Shuji: (his sword and shield droop) So I don't get to slay anything?

Em: You can slay in that pajama outfit yas kween yaaaassssss.

(Everyone stands silently for a little before going back to their cabins)

Em: (looks around embarrassedly) Okay so that totally sounds much worse in real life than online. Good to know, good to know. (goes back to her cabin)

Kingsley (confessional): So Charles thinks he can create a final 2 deal with Seraphina and I wouldn't figure it out immediately? I can only assume that he thinks I'm as stupid as he actually is. (rolls eyes, tapping her forearm with her finger) Sloppy execution aside, and the fact that he clearly will sell me down the river for her eventually aside, I can definitely take advantage of this move of his. Seraphina was one who I always considered a waste of an elimination early on. And if I can get Charles to pass on my strategies to her in these crucial first rounds, I can avoid the negative stigma associated with actually working with her.

Seraphina: Well then? (eyes Lil and Bruce, who continue to stare at her incredulously) I know I'm beautiful but you don't need to stare at me when I'm trying to sleep, that's just awkward and unbecoming. (leaps into her new bed and reaches into the nightstand, pulling out one of Lil's sports bras) Ew, why is this here?

Lil: ... Because that was my bed you replaced?

Seraphina: (shrugs, tossing the bra out the window) Oh right. Well, it's not anymore so you should move your stuff.

Lil: (her eye twitches)

Seraphina: Well? I'm going to be able to sleep with your shit there, get moving. (gives her another look) Why are you so bothered anyway? Didn't you say you thought any of the beds were fine? What's the problem with switching?

Lil: (gives Seraphina a long look before turning away, fists clenched, muttering to herself) Gonna kill that stupid-

Bruce: (whispering to her) Again, voting her out will do just fine...

Lil: Don't you have a bathroom to go to? (raises an eyebrow)

Bruce: ... Right (rushes out the door)

---

THE FOLLOWING MORNING
LUSTFUL LIZARDS CABIN

(A small, frenzied whirlwind of activity is present in the cabin as two of the occupants were practically flying through the room, busying themselves with a small assortment of projects. Small crumpled up papers littered the room, strewn alongside various wood shavings, multicolored splashes of paint, and a few gouges of wood removed from the floor as if shaved off by a blunt instrument.)

Ocean: (kneeling besides her nightstand, pen to paper and furiously grabbing her ponytail with her other hand) No... no no no! (crumples up the paper and throws it to the ground, bouncing off another wad of paper as it does so) Parker, how are you-

Parker: (covered with paint, multiple bandages on his fingers and surrounded by various drawings, sculptures, and other assorted pieces of art) Do we have a... a... (waving his hand trying to find the word, his eyes bloodshot while looking at Ocean) a... thing that can hit really hard-

Ocean: ...A hammer?

Parker: (shaking his head) No not a... (lifts his head up in resignation) Yeah sure a hammer.

Ocean: If I had one of those I'd be bashing my brains in trying to think of the right thing to write.

Parker: (groans, banging his fist on the block of hardened clay he was working with, which accomplished nothing)

Ocean & Parker (confessional): (Once again, the two of them opt to share a confessional. Both look quite frazzled but also outside the immediately stressful environment of their cabin, they look much more excited.)

Ocean (confessional): So Bonita wasn't exactly the happiest with how we were acting as teammates so, uh, Parker you had a great idea.

Parker (confessional): Right. So we uh, decided to show how hardworking, committed, and uh... uh... what's the word (snaps fingers)

Ocean (confessional): Dedicated?

Parker (confessional): Uh sure let's go with that, dedicated. We're not the perfect teammates but we can give her our best, as she deserves, and as a token of our apology we're giving her some gifts!

Ocean (confessional): Trying to at least. The degree of writer's block I've had over the past hour... (holds her head frustratedly) Please tell me your art pieces are coming along better.

Parker (confessional): I wish I could. (twists mouth) At least you're a professional at what you're doing, all I have for reference are the Comicons I've been to. Granted they make some really neat stuff but... none of it has been mine.

Ocean: (raising her arms in frustration) Why is this so HARD she's right there!

(Amazingly within the chaos, Bonita herself remained sound asleep; peacefully even. Her long limbs were splayed all over the place, leaning over the bed and a bit of her hair was in her mouth, damp from her drool. She let out a quiet snore.)

Parker: That's kind of what makes it hard, look at her then look at this (holds up a wooden bust, ostensibly of Bonita, that looks more vaguely like Lara Croft from the PS1) How am we supposed to compare?

Ocean: I mean that's why I opted to write instead. Turns out, romance is pretty hard to sell when you use stick figures.

(EXTREMELY LOUD MEGAPHONE FEEDBACK)

Chris (through the loudspeaker): Goooooooooood morning campers! Hope y'all slept well... oh wait what am I talking about, why would I hope that! Heheha!

Chef (through the loudspeaker): It is 6:55, BREAKFAST IN 5, MAGGOTS! If y'all don't make it on the DOT, Y'ALL AIN'T GETTIN' ANY! MOVE MOVE MOVE!

Patty: (Yelling from outside) AW SHIT CHEF YE BETTAH NOT BE STARTIN' WITHOUT ME! (her footfalls can be heard from the cabin)

Parker: ... (turns to Ocean) We should probably wake her...

Ocean: (looks nervously down at Bonita, still sound asleep) Uh... we could just bring her breakfast right? (shrugs) That would be nice!

Parker: Good point. All my stuff is crap anyway.

Ocean: Oh your stuff are masterpieces compared to the slop I just wrote! (playfully pushes Parker to the side)

Parker: Are not! (laughs as he leaves the cabin)

---

THE MESS HALL

(One by one most of the campers enter the mess hall, each cringing at the loud yelling between Patty and Chef)

Seraphina: (bursts through the door) All hail, as the great Princess Seraphina Magnifica Florentia Von Opalescence, Her Royal Excellency, Next in Line for the Throne of-

Patty: Chef lad where are the eggs? (gesturing wildly at an empty shelf on the fridge)

Chef: Eggs weren't on the menu today!

Patty: (points to a different shelf) And the butter?

Chef: Today's meal is cereal!

Patty: (opens up the pantry, shoving aside a box of Generic-Os) And the pancake batter?

Chef: Patty, I just told ya, today is cereal!

Patty: (raises an eyebrow at him) Just cereal? That's not a part of this complete breakfast!

(Jump cut to a cereal commercial showing a bowl of cereal, glasses of milk and orange juice, a waffle with butter on it, bacon, and assorted fruit)

Chef: They wanna complete breakfast they gotta earn it! (slams hand on the counter) I don't order the pancakes 'til near the finale! Until then they get cereal!

Patty: Oh that's it I'm gettin' the phone-

Chef: (raises eyebrow) What phone, hm? Chris made all y'all except the rich kid give them to him!

Demytrius: (suddenly appears behind them) Oh hey, couldn't help but wonder where breakfast was? Also (holds up phone) heard someone was looking for a phone?

Chef: (his eyes bulge out) That's my phone! Gimme that!

Patty: Thanks lad. (pats Demytrius on the head before calling one of the numbers on speed-dial) Top o' th' mornin'... yes this is Chef, he's a Scottish woman now, don't ask... Ooh, the full breakfast suite, sounds good, I'll be orderin' that... instant delivery, thank ye. (hangs up)

Charles: (notes the commotion and holds up his own phone) I could've done that...

Patty: Would've ya known what ta get, lad?

Charles: ... (turns away) Guess not...

Seraphina: Um, hello? Nobody let me finish my introduction!

(A truck surfaces from the lake, the dolphin driver happily chirping as it waves with its flipper)

Dolphin: Alright so that's the full breakfast suite.

(The campers cheer)

Chef: (growls at a smirking Patty) Okay fine, you win. Just gimme my phone back.

Chef (confessional): Okay, just cookin' along with Patty was one thing. That was fun. But her just takin' over my kitchen ain't gonna stand. If I don't have my kitchen, what do I have, hm? (leans into the camera) A stupid co-host position that nobody even likes? (leans back, placing his finger on his chin) I gotta find some way of gettin' Patty to back down. Maybe... get her eliminated? (shakes head) But I got in so much trouble when I did that secret alliance with DJ... ugh!

Gavin (confessional): So last night, Travis was concerned about this whole, uh, "position in the game" thing, like he feels alone or something... I mean I don't really understand why seeing as how can you go wrong with Patty, she's an AWESOME teammate! (raises arms) Also me, I'm really nice and stuff so I decided to help him branch out and get along with more people on the other teams!

Patty: So what'll it be lads? Pancakes, eggs, bacon-

Gavin: Yes! Yes to all of that and everything else you're going to say! Travis? (pats him on the back)

Travis: (removes Gavin's arm) Carbs would probably be the best bet if I had to guess what challenges we need to be prepared for... two pieces of toast, a small stack of pancakes, milk-

Gavin: (balling his hands into fists and pumping them as Patty ladles more food onto his plate) Keep it comin' baby! Keep it comin'!

Travis (confessional): Gavin is... decidedly not the type of person I'd like to hang out with normally, so spending all this time with him is... kinda annoying? I mean I'll give him credit, he's not a jerk or anything, he's trying to be nice but (looks to the side and grimaces) He can be a little y'know, too friendly. This is a competition after all. And did you see all the food he piled onto his plate? I should know more than anyone; you don't binge unless you're doing it for a contest. Otherwise you'll just end up exhausted for the rest of the day, and that's really not going to help with the challenges...

Travis: (grabs his tray when Patty finishes serving him and makes to the corner of the room, but Gavin grabs his shoulder and points)

Gavin: Dude you're gonna love meeting Samira and uh... whoever she's sitting with!

Samira: (waving from a table with Em, Perce, Sherry, Shuji and Ulysses seated around) Yoooooooo it's the Gavsterrrrrr and some other guuuuuyyyyyyy!

Travis: Uh... (waves awkwardly) yeah. (looks hesitant as he takes a seat) I'm Travis, for future reference.

Em: (leans her head on her hand) Hi Travis, I'm whoever Samira is sitting with.

Samira: (takes a second then proceeds to snort and guffaw, accidentally squirting oatmeal out of her nose) AHA! Good one sis! (wipes her nose) She's Em, she's like the funniest sis I've ever met.

Em: (coughs) I'm not really that funny... you just laugh at a lot. Potato.

Samira: (laughs) Daaaaammmmmn that's a good one sis. So bruv, what's your dealio for realio? (leans in towards Travis)

Shuji: (looks interested) Yeah, what's your skill?

Travis: (takes a bite out of a pancake) Well I mean it's not that useful in this game but-

Gavin: You've told us you're a competitive eater!

Travis: (gives Gavin a glare) Yeah like I said, not important here...

Shuji: Whoa really? (places hands on the table)

Sherry: That sounds very interesting honestly. (takes a small bite out of a cranberry) My kids have told me a few times I could be a competitive eater but (laughs)

Perce: Travis, I'm sure that could come in handy down the line. (gives him a concerned look) Don't be too hard on yourself.

Ulysses: I bet I could competitive eat better than you! (points)

(Everyone gives Ulysses a blank stare)

Travis: (raises an eyebrow) After I beat you at that race to the dock yesterday?

Ulysses: Yeah, this is round 2! (stuffs a whole pancake in his mouth and swallows, then grabs his stomach and falls to the floor) CRAAAAAAAAAMP

Travis: (looks unimpressed) You're supposed to pace yourself in these things...

Ulysses: (from the floor, pointing upwards) Best 3 outta 5!

Samira (confessional): So I think I've vibin' with what my bruv Gavin's puttin' down, right? His teammate bruv, Trevor or whatever, he's high-strung and needs a good ol' fashioned par-tay to calm the nerves. And I'm all like "a'ight bruv" and we're chillin', but first gotta get down Trevor's vibe right? So I'm doin' the vibe check, seein' how he's mixin' with the homies, and I'm seein' it, the high-strung vibes that're obvious but I'm lookin' for a way to get the vibes from up here (places a hand horizontally around her face) to dowwwwwwwn here (places her other hand down below her knees). So I'm tryin' to figure that out, you diggin'?

Samira: Homie, you wanna hit to calm the nerves before a challenge? (holds up a bong)

Travis: Uh... (looks incredulous) No

Samira: That's a'ight, it's not for everybody (puts the bong away) I dig I dig.

Em: (whispering to Samira) And what was Plan B here exactly?

Samira: ... (looks confused) Sis when was there even a Plan A?

Em: Okay look, Travis. I don't think it's much of a secret that the two of our teams (points to herself and Samira, then to Gavin and Travis) ...Aren't exactly filled with the strongest competitors.

Travis: (looks up from another forkful of pancake) You've noticed too? (turns to Gavin) No offense.

Gavin: None taken!

Em: Yeah no offense to you Samira either.

Samira: (tilts her head) What'd you say that was offensive?

Em: (continuing) So if today's challenge is one where we can help each others' teams, why not try to help each other?

Travis: (raises an eyebrow) You think that can work?

Em: (shrugs) I mean no but it couldn't hurt. (turns to the three Envious Emus) You three can help us too since you guys look like you can actually do a challenge.

Sherry: Uh, thanks?

Perce: Oh oh sure, I'd be happy to help you all!

Perce (confessional): It makes me so sad to see people like Travis and Em have such low hopes for their teams' success! If this three team thing ends up working out, I plan on starting my basic plan of action; start out by helping them out, then continually showing them that they have the potential in themselves to win challenges themselves! Because I know they can! Anybody can as long as they believe in themselves... and do better than their opponents.

Em (confessional): I mean I guess this is basically an alliance? (shrug) I don't know. Don't want to use the "a" word in front of some of these people because they're just going to think it's (exaggerated finger quotes) eeeeevilllll or something. I mean I don't even know if anything will come out of this at all but whatever, I did my part. If they want to work with me from here that's on them.

Gavin: Does this deal go with his team too? (points down at Ulysses still laying on the ground, clutching his stomach and writhing in pain)

Ulysses: (twitches) CAN'T! HEAR! CONVERSATION! OVER! CRAAAAAAMMMMMP!

Em: ...How about no?

Melvin: (walks over, looking around nervously) ...Oh there you are Em and Samira! (gives a quick wave) Hey Perce, uh... (scratches the back of his head) There's a kitten stuck in a tree-

Ralph: (stands up suddenly, his hands placed on the table and his mouth open in horror) SKIMBLES?! (leaps out the window)

(Everyone looks towards him then back to what they were doing, except Perce and Melvin who look at the broken window with concern)

Melvin: Uh... or help Ralph out?

Perce: Yeah, let's do it! (rushes out the door)

(Beat)

Perce: (opens the door) Sorry, I should've held the door open for you Melvin!

Melvin: It's, it's fine, please. (turns to the rest of the group) We'll be right back. (closes the door)

Em: ...Well that was weird and I don't care what it is they're doing. (eats a bite out of her egg)

Shuji: That's your own teammate, Em.

Em: Yeah my teammate, not the child I'm babysitting. (rolls eyes)

---

OUTSIDE THE MESS HALL

(Melvin leads Perce to what they assumed to be true; an alliance meeting led by Kingsley, performed outside to try and avoid too much eavesdropping. A table had been placed outside, with Kingsley at the head and Bruce, Lil and Parker sitting at the sides, still enjoying their breakfast. Ralph is trying to scramble up the nearby tree.)

Parker: (takes a bite out of a bagel) This is some good shit. Way better than... (notices Perce and Melvin show up.) ...than I don't need to finish that sentence. Hey guys! (waves)

Perce: Hey guys! (rubs the back of their head) Sorry I couldn't join you earlier, my team insisted I sit with them...

Kingsley: As expected. (nods her head) So am I correct to assume Gavin is playing his "naive nice boy" act and gaining friends?

Bruce: (crosses arms) You should probably tell Perce how our conversation has been going first.

Kingsley: That can come after. (silences Bruce with a look) Perce, details?

Perce: Well I mean (sweat drops a bit) I think he was pretty friendly.

Kingsley: (steeples her fingers) Elaborate.

Perce: He was trying to get Travis to come out of his shell a bit, get to meet the rest of us and open up.

Kingsley: And he did not use the word "alliance" ever, did he?

Perce: (shakes head) No ma'am, I believe not.

Kingsley (confessional): The man really is far too predictable. (shakes head) Goodness knows, if I did not have the ability to weasel information out of these idiotic buffoons and order them in a line, Gavin would absolutely get away with just being allies with every single person in this game, and nobody would even care because, well... they aren't alliances if they're "friends" (uses air quotes), aren't they? It really is just Owen's strategy again...

Kingsley: (turns to Bruce and Lil) See, did I not tell you two? Gavin needs to be the top priority.

Lil: Oh fuck off! (leaps out of her chair) You realize that bitch locked us in our cabin, right?

Kingsley: -And thus she is no threat to our games. Sit down (waves dismissively at Lil) I said I would be fair and if Gluttony does win immunity and you want to try your... (waves hand in the air in a circular motion) ridiculous throwing strategy, you can vote out Seraphina. But if Gluttony loses-

Lil: (takes a step towards Kingsley, only for Bruce to grab her by the waist) HEY!

Bruce: We'll do it Kingsley.

Lil: (gives Bruce a deranged look, as if he's an alien) You cannot be serious-

Bruce: (sighs) Just do it, Lil.

Bruce & Lil (confessional): (The two of them are in a confessional together, as Bruce is massaging Lil's shoulders to get her to calm down)

Lil (confessional): (heaving) I can't believe you fucking agreed to that...

Bruce (confessional): Of course I did Lil; the last thing we need with Seraphina around is more conflict. But just because I agreed to it doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it.

Lil (confessional): So you lied to Kingsley?

Bruce (confessional): A necessary lie. One that'll keep things calm in the long run... (sighs, shaking his head) I'm sorry Lil, you need to pretend to go along with it for now, it'll just be for the rest of the day...

Lil (confessional): Okay but Kingsley is a fucking bitch.

Bruce (confessional): Oh believe me I know. Seraphina's hard enough, having to deal with that... that Kingsley on top of that is bringing me this close (pinches his thumb and forefinger close together)

Lil: (gritting her teeth furiously, giving Kingsley a death glare) Fine. I will vote out that fat fuck.

Kingsley: Excellent, glad we all came to an agreement! (claps hands) Parker, (turns to him) you were telling me you wanted to bring food to your teammate?

Parker: ... (smacks his forehead in annoyance) Oh, oh duh! (rushes back into the Mess Hall)

Kingsley: (gives a few shifty glances) Is he gone? Good. So once Gavin's out, the rest of us can focus on weakening Bonita...

---

IN THE KITCHEN

(Sounds of the conversations in the Mess Hall were reverberating through the closed door, muffled but with the important parts audible enough to make out. But Patty wasn't concerned with that. She was face to face with the air duct, a concerned frown on her face as other voices made their way in.)

Melvin: (an audible gulp is heard) So... so what you're saying is after the Gavin boot, we should maybe target Ocean?

Kingsley: -Or Parker, if he proves to be disloyal to us.

Perce: Oh come on, can't he be loyal to both?

Kingsley: He can be loyal to one over the other, and he better hope he chooses the correct one...

Patty: (narrows her eyes, whispering to herself) Oh ye better bet Parker's gonna be learnin' 'bout this if yer plannin' on targetin' my teammate...

Ocean: (bursts open the door, Parker in tow) Hey Patty you don't mind if we- (takes some of the leftovers)

Patty: Yeah go ahead, I ain't th' ol' Hatchet, take care o' yer teammate. (turns back to the conversation briefly, then sharply turns back) Wai-WAIT! I gotta tell ye somethin'-

(Ocean and Parker are already gone)

Patty: ... Well sonofabitch.

Patty (confessional): Not me bein' so horrified by the conversation I'm hearin' I can't think fer two seconds to grab others' attention! Who even knows when I'll get a moment alone with 'em? STUPID, STUPID Patty! (smacks herself in the head)

---

THE MAIN AREA

(Stepping out of his limousine he undoubtedly only used to drive a minute-long walk at most, Chris McLean breathes in the musty, ash-coated air deeply. He looks content, forming a sinister grin as he thinks of all the torture he will bring to the campers soon enough, once he announces today's challenge)

Parker: (runs by, carrying all sorts of food) Hey Chris!

Ocean: (runs by, carrying all sorts of food) Nice limo!

Chris: (turns back and gives them a friendly wave before starting a jaunty walk towards the Mess Hall) Hello there you two! Lovely day isn't- wait a minute. (his neck makes an audible creaking sound as he turns his head back to the two Lustful Lizards) Why aren't you in the Mess Hall?

Parker: (fidgeting with the door to his cabin, balancing the food with his knee while an egg falls off. He catches it with his free hand, slumping beside the door and panting)

Ocean: You almost got it Parker! (turns back to Chris) Sorry Chris, Bonita slept in so we got her breakfast.

Chris: (Looks furious) Slept in? What the heck, everyone's supposed to be awake for my challenges!

Bonita: (from inside the cabin) Challenges?! (opens the door from inside, rubbing her eyes)

Parker: (falls to the ground, spilling all the food)

Chris: (Sees Bonita) ...Okay I was going to punish you with a penalty vote but... (loses his train of thought)

Bonita: ... (sees Chris, then sees Parker on the ground with all the food he brought spilled all over) ... Droga, eu dormi de novo, não foi? Eu sou tão estúpido, juro... (shakes her head) What time is it?

Ocean: (looks at Chris' watch) About 8:30.

Bonita: 8:30... (wipes her forehead) Whew! Okay you two, (points to Parker and Ocean in turn) please, feel free to wake me up when we're supposed to...

Parker: (salutes) Of course Bonita my beloved!

Bonita: (holds up one of Parker's... "creations") Also why did you make a statue of Lara Croft?

Parker: (blushes)

Ocean: Do you want uh... (looks at the food in her hands) half a breakfast?

Bonita (confessional): Of course this would happen, why wouldn't it? I sleep like an esquilo stuffed full of nuts hibernating for the winter... (realizes what she said) Don't take that the wrong way. But more importantly, my teammates still need work. They need to be more focused on helping me in practical ways rather than these... these (holds up a crumpled piece of paper) odes to me! (darts her eyes side to side) Though honestly they're pretty good... (uncrumples the paper and gives it a read, her face immediately turning beet red as she does so, smoking pouring out of her ears. She starts rapidly fanning herself as well.) I'm saving some of these for later...

Ocean: Sooooo (tugs on Chris' sleeve) were you here to just wake up Bonita or...?

Chris: ... Wha? (shakes his head, clearing his mind) Wha, no I didn't even realize she wasn't at... No! I came here to announce the challenge! You all need to be in the Mess Hall because that's where I announce my challenges.

Ocean: ... Ooooooh

Bonita: Can I at least put on some clothes first? (gives Chris a glare)

Chris: ...Wha? (gets distracted again, before shaking his head) Uh just throw your biker jacket on or something I don't know, it's not like it changes how anybody sees you.

Bonita: (gives him a scowl)

Parker: I mean (blushes) your face alone is so pretty you could honestly wear a winter parka and you'd still be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Bonita: (sighs, shaking her head) Yeah, I know, I know...

Chris: (heads to the Mess Hall when he passes by the group of Kingsley/Bruce/Lil/Melvin/Perce still eating breakfast outside, now with Ralph joining them in midst of a conversation)

Kingsley: Oh believe me Ralph, (places a hand onto her chest) I've taken so many measures to protect animals and the environment. Ever since I became CEO I lowered CO2 emissions by 95% and donated 5% of our profits each to rainforest conversation and the protection of endangered species.

Ralph: (raises an eyebrow) Shouldn't those numbers be higher?

Kingsley: (places her hand on Ralph's) My company still needs to make a profit in order to pay for all my hard-working employees, whom I also care about deeply. (looks into his eyes) So are you in our alliance and ready to vote out Gavin or not?

Lil: (looks like she's struggling not to laugh)

Ralph: I mean I'm sure that man alone is responsible for more C02 emissions than your entire company so I guess-

Chris: Okay I hate to interrupt a really dramatic alliance formation but (raises hands in the air) WHY ARE YOU OUTSIDE?

Kingsley: (gives Chris a glare) Because I prefer to eat outside.

Chris: (narrows eyes) First the Lustful Lizards, now all of you. (points to the door) Get in there so I can announce the challenge!

Perce: (leaps out of their seat) Oh shit we better listen to what Chris has to say everyone. (passes the Lustful Lizards and rushes through the door, which swings on its handle)

(Beat)

Perce: (holds the door open from the inside) Again I really need to keep track of who's about to use the door... (gestures inside) After you.

Bonita: (gives them a wink as she passes) Thank you!

Perce: (inadvertently follows her in, nearly closing the door on Parker and Ocean until Parker holds it open at the last minute, the door nearly whacking Ocean in the face)

Kingsley (confessional): (in the midst of a rant) Stupid Ralph having to fall for Melvin's stupid trick to get stupid Perce to join my alliance talk... (grumbles) At least I'm very good at lying about my company... Ralph better be a competent number.

Ralph (confessional): (petting Skimbles) I really have to thank Melvin for noticing Skimbles was in fact in that tree... poor guy keeps climbing up things, then remembering he's afraid of heights! (pets Skimbles again) Also I got an alliance invite out of it, which is cool. I look forward to working with fellow animal lovers! …Is what I would say if they actually do love animals, which they better.

Demytrius (confessional): (coughs in his fist) Yeah that was me who put Skimbles in the tree. Like, normally I wouldn't condone stealing people's pets but I swear I did it because I knew the cat would be okay, and the alliance needed a distraction, and another number. I do not steal things to be evil! (grabs the camera) You believe me right?

Camera: (doesn't respond)

Demytrius (confessional): ...Why do I keep expecting there to be a hidden intern on the other side of the camera who will actually respond to me?

Chef: (peeks into the confessional) Ya want one?

Demytrius (confessional): Well not you or Chris.

Chef: (gives Demytrius a glare) Alright then, I'll be in my trailer cryin' away my feelings. (slams the door)

Demytrius (confessional): (waves) Have fuuuuuun. (turns back to the camera) I swear, I'm not planning on being the villain here. I have to deal with those accusations enough back home. (rolls eyes)

---

THE MESS HALL

(The remaining campers file into the Mess Hall, Perce offering seats to the Lustful Lizards which they gratefully take. Bonita instinctively tosses her hair aside, causing it to catch the light and glisten, getting everyone's attention. Kingsley glowers in her direction as she finds the closest empty seat and gracefully sits, not realizing she ended up next to Seraphina, who wrinkles her nose as if something dirty just got on her shoe. Patty emerges from the kitchen and rests her arms on the counter between rooms.)

Chris: Okay is everyone here? All 21 of you? Don't make me have to count...

Kingsley: (crossing her arms) Yes Chris, we're all-

Melvin: (rapidly counting) 18 19 20 21 yes we're all here.

Parker: (counting) 16 17- damnit (rolls eyes)

Melvin: (silently fist pumps)

Ulysses: Shut up nerds! (holds side in pain, still on the ground) CRAAAAAAAMP!

Chris: ... So as I was saying, it's time for me to introduce your first challenge-

Ulysses: (leaps up off the ground) Well why didn't you say so! (pumps fist) I'm READY!

Ulysses (confessional): So for those of you at home keeping count (points to the camera) which should be all of you! I'm currently in the middle of an epic, legendary rivalry with Travis, and so far he's beaten me twice... (leans into the camera and whispers behind his hand) By cheating... (backs away from the camera back to his normal seat) So! It's now up to me (points to self) and my kickass team to show him and his team what for! We're gonna own this challenge, you heard it here first! Because now that the playing field is team sports, I'm in my element!

Chris: (side-eyes Ulysses) Yeah, I'm sure you are ready... for the most dangerous, high-stakes and dramatic first challenge in Total Drama history!

Em: ... It's just going to be jumping off a 1000 foot cliff again isn't it?

Chris: Yes I- (does a double-take) No! No it isn't, stop interrupting me!

Em: ... 2000 foot cliff.

Chris: No, you aren't jumping off a cliff!

Em: So we're walking off it-

Chris: You're not plummeting down a cliff into a lake in any matter (raises his arms and crosses them in an X shape)

Em: ... Climbing up the cliff?

Chris: NO! (does another double-take) Wait actually yes, what the hell how did you guess that?

Em (confessional): He's lazy.

Chris: (clears throat) So for today's challenge, you'll all meet me by the cliff to the volcano, Mt. Pasa in a challenge I like to call... "Stairway Outta Hell".

Charles: ... Wouldn't a better title be "Starway to Heaven"?

Chris: Yeah you'd like that wouldn't you? (chuckles) None of you are going to heaven.

Charles: I mean neither are you, pardner.

Chris: You're acting like I haven't come to terms with that during my childhood. Anyway, this challenge will be a test of teamwork. (pulls out some harnesses that are connected to one another) As a sin is only as strong as the sum of its parts-

Vlokke: I... fail to see what that has to do with sins.

Chris: Of course you do (glares at her). As a sin is only as strong as the sum of its parts, the three of you from each team will be harnessed together. Great if you're a weak little baby who can't support their own weight and accidentally falls. Terrible if you are the teammate of said baby.

Perce (confessional): It's very nice of Chris to start us off with a challenge that can truly test the bonds that we've made over the past day! I can't wait to show off the power of the Envious Emus' teamwork! (squees a little bit, clasping their hands together)

Travis (confessional): ...Wow this is a shit first challenge. How the hell are they... how the hell am I... (groans, placing a hand on his forehead) uggggghhhhhhhhh...

Vlokke (confessional): Ah, my first foray into learning what kinds of competition this era considers as friendly competition! (her sensors whir, data readying itself to be processed) It seems we begin with physicality... unfortunately not my strong suit, but it would be interesting to gauge how equipped my teammates are in such areas.

Chris: I'll give you all more info once we get there, but for now, (starts throwing harnesses to each of the teams) I recommend you all get saddled up, and since there's water below to hopefully break any falls, you can change into your swimsuits as well.

Bruce: (raises hand) I... I think I'll pass on that.

Lil: (raises an eyebrow) Why?

Bruce: I have a very embarrassing tattoo... (rubs the back of his head sheepishly)

Lil: Ooh really? (laughs)

Seraphina: Oh we got to see that (makes to grab the back of Bruce's gi)

Bruce: (gives her a stern glare) Don't.

Seraphina: (turns her head and pouts)

Lil: Party pooper.

Chris: Alright, if anyone else doesn't want to change you don't have to, but be warned that you could end up with some really wet clothes that are dry-clean only! (laughs)

Bonita: (raises her hand) I think I'm going to pass too, no offense everyone but I don't think you're ready to see me in my bikini yet. Also (smirks) I'm not gonna need it.

Ulysses: Yeah, me neither! (points to himself)

Seraphina: Cocky aren't we? (glares at Bonita) I suppose it's hard not to be in a climbing challenge when you're 90% leg and 10% boob. Too bad your partners aren't!

Bonita: (raises an eyebrow) Well seeing as you're 1% evil 99% hot gas, good luck.

(Almost everybody laughs uproariously)

Seraphina: OH SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! (crosses arms)

Seraphina (confessional): Luckily for me though, I don't need luck. After all, I am a master leader, and I've been equipped with two very strong servants. ... Two very strong annoying servants, mind you, but still strong ones. They can't possibly mess this one up.

Lil (confessional): Okay now part of me wants to see Bruce fall off the cliff somehow so we can, first of all, vote out Seraphina... and second of all, maybe his shirt will come off so I can laugh at the stupid tattoo he's talking about. I hope it's like, Hello Kitty or something. (laughs to herself) I'd never let him hear the end of it!

(A quick montage of the teams heading back to their cabins to put on their harnesses is shown. Teams such as the Envious Emus, Gluttonous Gerbils and Lustful Lizards have no trouble deciding to place Shuji, Patty, and Bonita in the center spots with no fuss, but some of the other teams have some quick arguments.)

Charles: (takes the center harness) Well I suppose I might as well...

Kingsley: (raises an eyebrow, putting her hands on her hips) I should be the center spot.

Charles: (gives Kingsley a somewhat unsurprised look) Look Kingsley, I'm the biggest and strongest of the three of us-

Kingsley: (stands next to Charles, flicking off his hat with a finger and placing her hand to the top of her head to his) I'm taller than you.

Charles: (angrily grabs his hat) By like, an inch! (places it back on his head) Besides I still definitely weigh more.

Demytrius: (snickering as he fastens his own harness) Someone insecure?

Charles: (gives Demytrius his glare now) No, I'm just thinkin' about our dynamics here-

Kingsley: Have you ever done rock climbing before?

Charles: Yes! (grabs the harness angrily) Back on that cruise a few years back with pa...

Kingsley: Oh you mean a fake rock-climbing wall. (snatches the harness from him) I've done rock climbing on real mountains. I'm more qualified.

Charles: When? (narrows his eyes)

Kingsley: Company vacations. Now stop questioning me. (ties up her harness and tosses the last one to Charles)

Kingsley (confessional): Okay so no, I've never actually done real rock climbing, but it's very clear that Charles' version of that is just "went up one rock then fell off, then cried about how it was too hard". At least what is true is that I do hikes, while that man probably eats potato chips and watches romcoms all day. I'm more qualified, case closed. (gives the camera a smirk, crossing her legs)

Charles (confessional): (eating a bag of potato chips) Wow the canteen has some goooooood variety! (looks wistfully to the side) I hope Marley's evil twin doesn't kill her in that romcom I'm missin' out on here...

(The Prideful Prawns and the Slothful Slugs seem more indecisive)

Melvin: Okay, let's all calculate our statistics to maximize our efficiency (holds a harness in his hands loosely, looking completely lost) So Em, how much do you weigh?

Em: (dryly) Oh I weigh about mind your own damn business pounds. In metric that's fuck off you rude bitch kilos.

Melvin: (looks around awkwardly) Uh... sorry? (gives Samira a look)

Samira: (shrugs) Hey bruv don't look at me. I don't even know what the difference between a pound and a kilo is.

Melvin: Uh... (makes to wrap up the harness around his shoulder) We'll decide who goes where at the challenge site?

Samira: Works for me.

Em: Yeah sure whatever.

Melvin (confessional): If we can't even figure out how to wear the harness before the challenge starts... I don't think that's a good omen.

Ulysses: I've got the middle! Just like in football! (holds up the harness proudly)

Vlokke: (puts in data) Middle... football...

Ralph: (scoffs) Middle in football- there's no middle in football!

Macie: (perched on Ralph's finger) Middle in football! Middle in football! BRAWK!

Ulysses: See (points to Macie) the bird knows what's down. You both should catch up.

Ralph: (gives a side-glance towards Vlokke)

Vlokke: I'm willing to listen to whatever anybody on this team has to say. Goodness knows I have no experience with this competition.

Ralph: Don't encourage him...

Ulysses: Why not, huh? (gets in Ralph's face) I like encouragement!

Ralph: Well I don't like you.

Ulysses: Well... I don't like you either! So there! (does the "I'm watching you" gesture before putting on his harness)

Macie: Like you! Like you! BRAWK!

Vlokke (confessional): I'm beginning to see what appears to be a mutual negative relationship within my team... (her databanks whir) which is perfect! This can give me so much data on how barbaric this time period is with dealing with conflict! I wonder, do they still use the duels by dawn of the last age I've been too? Or have the methods of channeling aggression evolved past that? Can't wait to see!

(Meanwhile with the Wrathful Walruses...)

Seraphina: And that... should... do it! (finishes tying up her harness... to her entire bed)

(Lil and Bruce stare at each other incredulously)

Lil: ... I'm not carrying your entire bed up a cliff.

Seraphina: What makes you think you're doing that? (raises an eyebrow). You and Bruce are going to be carrying my bed up a cliff.

Bruce: (facepalms)

Lil: No. No we aren't-

Bruce: (groans) Just do it.

Seraphina: Yeah exactly, listen to Bruce. You're both strong enough to do it-

Lil: And what do you need your bed for? (waving her arms all over the place)

Seraphina: To be comfortable, duh! (sticks out her tongue) When I'm comfortable, I do my best ruling. With my commands and your strength, we'll win this challenge easily!

(Lil and Bruce give each other another look)

Bruce & Lil (confessional): (the two of them share a confessional, Lil's hair on end as she's heaving, seemingly at the tail end of a massive rant)

Bruce (confessional): I mean if she's going to go out of her way to help throw this challenge, I won't stop her.

Lil (confessional): I don't think I can wait until this challenge ends, I'm about to strangle that stupid bitch! Rock climbing with a bed attached why I... (smacks fist with palm)

Bruce (confessional): (closes his eyes) Finding my happy place... (grits teeth)

---

THE CLIFFSIDE

(Chris guides the campers to the challenge site; they travel around the base of the volcano until they reach the other side of the island, where the face is a steep vertical climb. There is a lake here within the island, much smokier and red-looking compared to the lake surrounding the island)

(Most of the campers give the Wrathful Walruses an incredulous look as a frustrated Bruce and Lil place the bed they've been carrying down, Seraphina on top examining her nails.)

Seraphina: Excellent work, subjects. (flips her hand over) Now then Chris, if you may? I don't have all day you know.

(Beat)

Em: ...I repeat what I said yesterday: this bitch for real?

Chris: (looks awkward amidst the silence) ... Weeeellll okay then! (clasps his hands together) Welcome to the challenge! As you can see, here's the cliff y'all will have to climb. *(gestures up to the cliff itself, a several hundred-foot climb that is mostly a jaggedy craggy dark brown, but towards the top where it's hard to see, there are some... holes?

Sherry: (gulps) That's... that's pretty high.

Chris: It's not that high Sherry. You're lucky you don't have to climb Wawanakwa's cliff; that's 1000 feet. This is only about 500.

Sherry: (rolls eyes) Yeah, that's... that's very reassuring Chris. Yeah...

Chris: ... Anyway since we don't have all day to do this, you're not even necessarily going to have to reach the top. You're going to have an hour to work together to get as far as you can up there, contending with your own teamwork, other teams, and... heheh, some surprises along the way.

(A growling sound comes from one of the holes higher up)

Kingsley: (crosses her arms) As to be expected. We all know how much you love your "surprises" Chris.

Chris: Can't go off brand now can I? (his eye twinkles). You're going to have one hour, and you can finish the challenge in one of three ways. You can make it to the top... which I doubt because all of you suck, but if you make it there first you automatically win I guess. (shrugs)

Ulysses: What the hell I don't suck! You suck, Chris! (looks at his team) Tell him I don't suck!

Macie: You suck Chris! You suck Chris! BRAWK!

Ulysses: Ralph shut up your STUPID BIRD!

Ralph: (shields Macie from Ulysses) Sorry you can't handle the truth.

Chris: ... Moving past that, (involuntarily shudders) If you don't make it up to the top within the hour, your score in the challenge will be decided by how far up your team is on the cliff when time runs out... Unless (pulls out 7 flags, each with the team symbols on them) if you're feeling like you're about to fall, you can take a risk and place your team's flag wherever you are on the cliff. But if you do place it, your score in the end is determined by where the flag is, even if you're above it.

Melvin: (rubbing his finger to his chin as he takes the Slothful Slugs flag) Interesting...

Chris: So the team that makes it the highest or gets to the top first wins reward! The bottom three teams however, will be meeting me at the Campfire Ceremony tonight, where one of the nine of them will be voted out. (pops out of frame)

Chris: (pops in between the Envious Emus and Slothful Slugs) Where you can't come back! (pops back out of frame)

Chris: (pops in Seraphina's bed) Eeeeeeveerrrrrrrrr!

Seraphina: (looks affronted) What the fuck are you doing in my bed?! (smacks him with a black lacy pillow)

Chris: Ow! (rubs his head as he pops out of frame and back to his original spot)

Sherry (confessional): Figures it would take Total Drama of all things to throw a brand new monkey wrench into the concept of the Joint Tribal Council. (paces back and forth in the confessional, rubbing her chin, her mind running a million miles a minute) 99% of the time when there are 2 tribes participating in a Joint Tribal Council, all it does is it incentivizes everyone to vote along tribal lines, as a majority is easily obtained that way, and... (chuckles to herself) JT showed us all very well why deviating from that doesn't work. (stops pacing) But with three tribes at a single council, you have to work with another tribe to guarantee the majority, which is a whole different can of worms! Tribes are much less pressured to be monoliths, there are far more opportunities for groups to be tiebreaker votes and to disagree on which side to join with, and also-

Chris: (opens the door to the confessional angrily) Can you stop boring all the viewers with your nonsense and get to the challenge?

Sherry (confessional): But I don't like heights... (pushes the tips of her index fingers together)

Chris: Exactly. (points out the door) Now move it.

Kingsley (confessional): 3 teams at Tribal Council? (chuckles to herself) Sounds simple enough. That leaves plenty of room for Gavin to lose, along with at least one of the teams I have allies in. If, goodness forgives, it ends up being us who lose, all we would need is a team with two loyal or gullible members and that would be 5 votes. And I'd say, there is definitely a dearth of those kinds of teams here... (smugly smiles, placing her hands on her lap)

Sherry: (from outside) And why does she get to have long strategic confessionals without you interrupting her? Huh?

Chris: (from outside) Because her strategy is petty. Much much better for ratings!

Kingsley (confessional): ...They better not be able to hear what I'm saying in here.

(The seven teams line up at the start of the challenge, their faces expressing a large range of emotions. Bonita looks very confident, a huge smile planted on her face as she faces the wall of rock in front of her. Ulysses looks similarly cocky, though his partners look past him towards each other for reassurance. Perce and Shuji look excited but are also looking a tad worried for Sherry who doesn't look confident at all, as they both assist her starting position. Bruce and Lil look very much like they'd rather be anywhere else while Seraphina yawns, making a show of her special arrangement. Patty and Gavin look quite excited to start the challenge, juxtaposing Travis who looks terrified. Charles and Kingsley are tense, but still look determined while Demetryius tries to keep his distance. The Slothful Slugs still don't have their harnesses on yet.)

Melvin: Okay, uh... (holding the harnesses in his hands) let's make a decision here before Chris-

Chris: Your hour starts... NOW! (lowers his index finger)

Melvin: (gets startled a bit as the other teams begin to climb) Chris we weren't ready yet!

Chris: Too bad! I've spent long enough waiting for Bonita this morning!

Em: (gives Melvin a glare) Just choose something.

Melvin: Who wants to be center again? (fumbling the harnesses)

Samira: (shrugs) Bruv I don't care...

Melvin: Uh... (sweats as he watches the other campers climb) Uh...

Em: (rolls her eyes as she snatches the harnesses then distributes them at random) There, these are our harnesses, put them on quick!

Melvin: ... (turns his harness around a few times in his hands) Wait, how do I put this on?

Em: (loud groan) Didn't you go to like 3 colleges?!

Melvin: Not in rock climbing!

Chris: (laughs to himself before speaking to the camera) Alright, let's see how the other teams are doing shall we?

(A little ways up the Gluttonous Gerbils and the Lustful Lizards start out fairly slowly and find themselves roughly tied with each other. Notably, Patty is taking a very slow methodical approach much to Travis' frustration.)

Travis: (Stretches his harness as far away from Patty as it goes, which is roughly 10 feet above her) Come on Gerbils! This is a race, what are you-

Patty: Travis, ye ever hear 'bout the tortoise 'n the hare? B'sides, I've got other things t' worry 'bout. (turns to the Lustful Lizards, which mostly consists of Bonita trying to carry her team upward, since the other two are visibly struggling)

Travis: Worry about Gavin later Patty... (shakes his head) You can hoist him up can't you? You chose the middle spot for a reason...

Gavin: (is dangling in midair, suspended entirely by Patty anchoring him) So... (pants) tired... (pants)

Patty: Not talkin' 'bout him right now Travis...

Patty (confessional): This might be one o' the very few times I have to warn the Lust team 'bout the plans I overheard... though I danae if I c'n trust Bonita or Travis with th' info exactly... or if anyone else is close 'nough t' overhear. (licks lips nervously) S'pose this is still th' best time though...

Bonita: (looks down at her struggling teammates) You two ever rock climb before?

Parker: (calling upward) Uh yeah, many times! (his foot slips off a random crag and he twirls a little bit in midair, flailing for a second before he grabs the surface with his hands, steadying himself) Okay no never!

Ocean: (finding herself frozen in place, clinging desperately to whatever she can find) Do you think I've ever done this?!

Bonita: (Muttering to herself, shaking her head) Não acredito que tenho que fazer isso... (turns back to the two of them) You two said you were confident!

Parker: (scrabbles desperately to a rock) Well you said you could do it and I-

Bonita: You what? You wanted to impress me by lying? Never heard of that one before!

Ocean: I didn't lie!

Bonita: (gives Ocean a skeptical look)

Ocean: ...I felt confident before we started... (blushes)

Patty: (clears throat) Uh, excuse me-

Bonita: (gives a heavy sigh) Look. All you two needed to do was be honest with me, okay? I know how to rock climb, and I know how to teach people to rock climb.

(Parker and Ocean give each other a look, clearly feeling guilty)

Bonita (confessional): When I was a menina pequena, every fall my family would visit my casa dos avós, a farm in Argentina right next to the Andes. They were alpaca farmers, and those were some of the best and most formative days of my life. Sure the alpacas liked me, but they didn't judge me. Since even at that age, I was... (shifts in her seat, bringing a leg up and hugging it) well they knew what I was going to grow up to be. It was there that I felt like I could be a different version of myself, one that's free, and wild, and untamed. One that I can only try to attain back in Rio with my motorcycle gang. (looks sad for a moment, before looking back up at the roof of the confessional booth, reminiscing) I never received any formal training for rock climbing no, I'm not a professional rock climber no, but I do know how to feel unbound, unrestricted, and how that helps me go wherever my heart desires.

Bonita: Parker, Ocean, you need to stop focusing on the wall in front of you.

Ocean: (glued to the wall) Really?

Bonita: It's not about the wall, it's not about what you're climbing. (looks down at them) It's about knowing what you want to do and where you want to be. Let your hearts guide you.

(Bonita smiles and a heavenly light seems to radiate from her, sparkling in her eyes and shimmering in her hair. Ocean and Parker look mesmerized as they loosen up, no longer focusing on the struggles they've been having keeping attached to the wall or finding the correct footholds.)

Bonita: Follow me. (continues to climb)

(Parker and Ocean find themselves much nimbler, much less worried as they focus much more strongly on Bonita, and they quickly increase their pace, much to the Gluttonous Gerbils' chagrin)

Patty: ... Okay, I guess I'll talk t' ye later then... (tries to match their pace but is heavily weighed down still)

Travis: I mean she isn't wrong. (calls down to Gavin) Gavin! You got any of that?

Gavin: (panting) What?

Patty (confessional): ... Maybe after th' challenge then?

(Further up the cliff the Envious Emus are shown with Shuji in front making quick work of the task at hand. Below him however...)

Shuji: (singing to himself) Go a little higher, get a little stronger~ (his harness tightens, snapping him in place and causing him to look down) Hey, how are you two doing?

(Below him are Perce and Sherry, but unlike with the other teams where the three of them have arranged themselves in a V-shape, Perce is directly supporting Sherry, helping her move her limbs to the correct spots while her eyes are closed)

Perce: (looks up and gives Shuji an OK sign) Just peachy!

Sherry: (quiet whimpering noises)

Shuji: (pauses for a second, then turns his attention back to above him) Well okay then. (tries to climb up higher but the harness is still holding him back)

Sherry: (shuts her eyes tightly as Perce grabs her wrist)

Shuji: (looks down again) I thought you said you were doing fine!

Perce: (calling up) We're doing fine, but just maybe a little more... slowly?

Shuji: Are you fine or not? Those whimpers don't sound like fine whimpers to me... Should we take a break?

Sherry: (freezes upon the thought of that) Nononono, keep going keep going keep going I want to get off this cliff as soon as possible pleaaaaase

Shuji: Sounds like a plan to me! (tries to climb up again)

Perce: Okay hold it! Maybe we're not super fine!

Sherry: (whimpers again, putting her head in Perce's chest)

Perce: (patting her on the back) It'll be okay Sherry, it'll be okay. We're almost at the top...

Seraphina: You're not even halfway there. (sneers at them from her bed, as it starts to rise above them)

Perce: (looks hurt as Sherry continues to bury herself in their chest) Well you didn't have to tell her that!

Lil: (from above) Not even halfway... uggggghhhhhh I'm so fucking tired

Seraphina: And yet we're passing a shitty team doing worse than us. Keep going, servant! (turns back to the two Envious Emus) How does it feel to have a useless teammate?

Lil: (from above) LIKE I WANT TO MURDER SMALL CHILDREN!

Bruce: (shakes his head as he turns to Shuji) Sorry about her.

Shuji: (looks back down) Hey, screw you princess girl! I don't have any useless teammates!

Seraphina (confessional): It always disappoints me when I see a woman fail to contribute to their team... (casually examining her nails) Lil, as annoying as she is, has at least some use as a physically strong teammate, but Sherry? (scoffs) Really, I'm making myself useful not just to my team but to theirs as well by letting them know she's useless. Then she'll psyche herself out of the challenge and leave, and they'll be all the stronger for it. It pains me to be this generous, but I will be a queen after all and diplomacy is still a crucial factor to that.

(As the Wrathful Walruses continue to pass the Envious Emus, Bruce and Lil reach one of the holes higher up, from which a raccoon jumps out)

Seraphina: Bruce, raccoon at 10 o'clock!

Bruce: Wha- (the raccoon lands on his bald head and growls, beginning to scratch him) HEY! Get off!

Lil: (cackles) That little guy must think you're trash! Strange how it didn't attack Seraphina then... (muses to herself)

Seraphina: Lil, two more raccoons 2:30!

Lil: The fuck does that- (the raccoons land on her head and shoulder) WHAT THE- GRRRRRR! (grabs one of the raccoons by the tail and throws it off)

Ralph: (gasps as he hears the raccoon squeal) MACIE, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Macie: (flies off his shoulder) KNOW WHAT TO DO BRAWK! (catches the raccoon in her talons, flying it safely to the shore of the lake)

Ralph (confessional): I trained Macie specifically for this show! (nods proudly) Total Drama loves using its wildlife to torture its contestants, and that's all fine and good... at least until the animals end up getting hurt as well by it! How many animals have been skinned alive, cursed by DJ, mutated? (waves his arms madly) None of that will happen now with me on the show!

Ralph: (calling down) Good girl Macie! (turns to Lil) How dare you throw- (gets the other raccoon thrown in his face)

Lil: Shut up nerd! You're not the one carrying a fucking bed in this challenge!

Bruce: Lil can you please- (the raccoon starts to tear his gi) Okay no, you cut that out! (grabs the raccoon by the scruff of the neck)

Seraphina: Can you two shut the fuck up about the stupid raccoons and pay attention? Do an aileron roll to avoid the-

Lil: (turns back to Seraphina) What the ACTUAL FUCKING SHIT is an AILERON-

(Another hole opens and extra virgin olive oils pours out, drenching Lil in one of the slipperiest substances known to man. Naturally she slips right off the cliff, landing herself on Seraphina's bed as Bruce, with one hand grabbing onto the raccoon is stuck holding up both his teammates and the bed with one arm, which... doesn't go so well.)

Seraphina: Why are you on my bed-

Bruce: AW FUCK (falls off)

Seraphina: You... (the bed begins to fall, but she's so angry it takes her a few seconds to realize she should place her flag in and sticks it in a little ways down)

(SPLAAAAAAASH)

Perce: (looks down to the lake where the Wrathful Walruses fell) ... Uh, should we help them?

Sherry: (takes a second to open her eyes just to give Perce an indignant look)

Seraphina (confessional): Okay so... wow. Once again, I have to eat my own words. (starts playing with a lock of her hair) I thought my servants would be useful seeing as they had, like... muscles? But they aren't? At all? (scoffs, throwing her lock over her shoulder) Maybe I could be charitable and say it's Chris' fault for giving me faulty servants. But at least he had the decency to give me a flag to save my team from elimination, so I think it's more likely I'll just blame the servants for this.

Lil (confessional): ...Seriously WHAT IS AN AILERON ROLL?

Bruce (confessional): (his stomach growls) ...I could go for an aileron roll right about now.

(A good way further up the mountain, both Charles and Kingsley are in the middle of an intense conversation while they climb, both making good time as they do so.)

Charles: So what yer sayin' is...

Demytrius: (climbs into a hole)

Charles: Y'all got Ralph into the "threat" alliance, 'n ya think they're all convinced t' vote out Gavin?

Demytrius: (is flown out the cave atop a giant bat, hanging on for dear life)

Kingsley: It's difficult to truly say who is convinced and who is merely trying to blow smoke up my ear, but I can surmise. Out of the group, Lil is definitely the most... shall we say, "independent thinker", and I could see her possibly being persuaded to try and vote out Seraphina if that fall costs them. I would vastly prefer if the Wrath team won though; I do prefer unanimous votes to avoid cracks forming in the group.

Demytrius: (wraps his cape around the giant bat as it performs an aileron roll to try and throw him off, which twists the harness around)

Charles: What're we thinkin' on how to make it unanimous?

Kingsley: Well, based on how they're reacted to my plans I definitely think Melvin is the most likely to convince the rest of his team to vote with him. But I'm especially glad I managed to snag Ralph because previously I had no connection to the Pride team, and now it seems I do. That whole team seems to lack connections and thus I feel the most confident that Ralph can get Ulysses and Vlokke to stay in line.

Demytrius: (flies by on the bat) You're welcome!

Charles: So we're thinkin' send Pride 'n Sloth ter the Campfire?

Kingsley: Well Sloth is already doing a great job of that already, don't you think? (she looks down and barely makes out the Slothful Slugs still at the base of the mountain)

Demytrius: (leaps off the bat and into a hole, vanishing in his cape as he does so. The bat lets loose a powerful echolocation blast into the tunnel, which is blocked by the cape. The bat flies away, confused.)

Charles: (looks up to where Demytrius landed) Demy! How's cleanup doin' up there?

Demytrius: (weakly flashes a thumbs-up down to his teammates)

Charles (confessional): Kingsley goin' so all-in on this "vote out Gavin" thing is confoundin' to me. (tips his hat to scratch his head) Like me personally, I don't care 'bout the kid one bit, but hey at least it ain't targetin' me no more. Kinda wonderin' actually, would it be worth it t' keep the guy around somehow so he's always the one under fire before me? (continues to scratch his head) Then again if Kingsley ever found out I was protectin' him I'm sure my protection from 'er would disappear lickety-split. (snaps fingers)

Kingsley: Can you keep working on it? (rolls eyes)

Demytrius: Yeah just a sec... (notices a bunch of eyes glowing in the darkness behind him) I might need to leave this cave carefully though...

(ROOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR)

Demytrius: ... Or it might just be time to disappear. (vanishes into his cloak again, reappearing at the mouth of the hole right above his teammates) You might want to CLIMB FOR YOUR LIIIIIIVES!

(A raccoon pops out of the hole and waves)

Charles: ... From a raccoon? (chuckles)

Kingsley: Demytrius... it's just one raccoon, it's nothing dangerou-

(A dozen more raccoons pop out of the hole, pushing Demytrius out as they do so, leaving him dangling by his harness with Kingsley supporting him. They chitter angrily)

Charles: Okay, that may be a problem... (raises finger)

Kingsley: Again, they're just raccoons-

(The raccoons emit mechanical noises as dozens more pour out of the cave and link together, arms to tail, weaving to and fro until they form a sort-of raccoon-mechanical spider-like creature which manages to stick to the cliffside even at the 90 degree angle it's at.)

Charles & Demytrius: (simultaneously) Just raccoons?

Kingsley: ... I can't believe I'm saying this but Charles, you may have been correct by calling this a problem... Let go on three, two, (plants flag at where she's hanging) one!

(The three of them let go, plummeting into the lake)

Chris: (laughing from his lounge chair) And that's the second team that's fallen off to my wonderful traps!

Seraphina: (glaring at Chris as she's wringing out her dress) You don't get to take the credit for my team's failure...

Bruce: (looks away innocently)

Kingsley: (surfaces from the water) Hey, at least our flag is higher than yours! (points up the cliff)

(Indeed, the golden flag of the Greedy Giraffes is very noticeably higher than the red flag of the Wrathful Walruses. It's easy to tell because the gold flag is right underneath the giant swarm of raccoons in the shape of a giant mechanical spider that just happened to be hanging out there, looking very out of place and slightly confused.)

Raccoon (confessional): (rifles through a stack of hundred dollar bills) (translated) We don't know what these green human papers are but the ugly human with the butt-chin keeps telling us raccoons to scare other humans to get them, and they are kinda cool looking so sure. (shrugs) Why not?

Kingsley (confessional): As much as I would prefer that the Wrathful Walruses remain safe, at least for this elimination, I will always prioritize my own safety. After all, I am the most important one here. (places a hand to her chest)

(Further up the mountain, Vlokke is watching intently as Ulysses powers through some of Chris' diabolical traps, looking mildly impressed. Ralph looks a tad worried however.)

Ralph: Make sure that if you see an animal up there, you do not hurt it. Understood?

Ulysses: (carelessly throws a caltrop off the cliff) As long as it doesn't bother us.

Ralph: (sighs, giving Ulysses a glare) And what is that supposed to imply?

Ulysses: Imply? How thick do you need your toilet paper dude? (a roll of toilet paper unravels from another trap, covering Vlokke as Ulysses dodges) Will that much do?

Ralph: (ignores this) "As long as it doesn't bother us". Ulysses. Does this mean if an animal acts upon its natural instincts and tries to attack us, you'll harm it?

Ulysses: (rolls eyes) I mean duh.

Ulysses (confessional): I thought Ralph was supposed to be some like, animal expert or something. Given how much he like, wants to marry them or something. (scoffs) How does he not know the rules of the alpha? When you're the alpha, the animals respect you. If they respect you, you've already proven you're the alpha, and they leave you alone. If they don't respect you, you prove to them you're the alpha.

Ulysses: Don't worry, loser. All I need to do is prove I'm the alpha-

Bear: (steps out of its cave, roaring)

Ulysses: (his hair turns white and stands on end, emphasizing his receding hairline) Okay I'm not the alpha.

Vlokke: Does that make you the beta then? Please, tell me more of these dynamics!

Ralph: Relax you two, I've got this. (strokes the bear's paw) Easy there girl. Eeeaaaasy. We're not going to hurt you.

Bear: (gives Ralph a confused look and a tilt of the head)

Ulysses: How do you know it's a girl? Can you see its uvula-

Ralph: (turns to Ulysses and shushes him, before turning back) In fact, I've come here to help you. I know Chris has been relocating you to all these different places and using you as an obstacle throughout all his dastardly seasons of reality TV.

Bear: (sympathetic grunting)

Vlokke: Do you know what she's saying?

Ralph: Given her current temperament, it's likely something along the lines of "Finally someone understands my plight. Thank you for rescuing me."

Bear: (growls)

Bear (confessional): (translated) That weird human is nice and all but (holds up a huge stack of papers) Chris McLean's had me under contract for years now. And my family is currently experiencing some serious forest depletion, so I need this job.

Vlokke: (placing more info in her databanks) Yes yes, very fascinating. Please continue your conversation.

Ulysses: (rolling his eyes) He probably made all that up.

Ralph: So then, (continues to stroke the bear's paw in a soothing fashion) would you mind if you help us out in this challenge, you magnificent creature? Anything could do, you can even just go back to your hole and sleep for now, just know that I will be rescuing you later on so-

Bear: (roars, swiping at Ralph who freaks out and lets go of the cliff.)

(Caught off-guard, Ulysses drops as well and that leaves Vlokke far too weak to hold everything up on her own, so she lets go and they begin to plummet)

Ulysses: (shakes head at Ralph and crosses his arms as they fall) Dude, you're not an alpha.

Ralph: Oh shut up.

(SPLAAAAAAASH)

Chris: (stands up from his lounge chair, pointing and laughing at the trio) HAHAHA! Another team takes a spill! And they didn't get their flag up! They better hope they aren't running out of time!

Ulysses: (surfaces, spitting out a starfish) Dude WHAT

Ralph: (grabs the starfish as he surfaces, placing it gently on the shore of the lake) Dude WHAT, you what! (points at Ulysses) YOU'RE the one with the flag! Idiot!

Ulysses: (crosses his arms) YOU DISTRACTED ME WITH YOUR STUPID!

Ralph: (jabbing his finger) YOU DISTRACTED ME WITH YOUR STUBBORN, ARROGANT, PIECE OF SHIT-

Vlokke: (surfaces, her systems repelling the water around her in a fine mist) Which firearms would you two wish to use in the duel?

Ralph & Ulysses: (give Vlokke a blank stare)

Ulysses: Uh... (flexes his arm) These arms?

Ralph: (yells, splashing the water around him) We don't have time for this! (turns to Chris) How much longer is this challenge?

Chris: (has gone back to lounging in the chair) Wouldn't you like to know?

Ralph: (incredulously) Yes. I would.

Chris: That's part of the challenge brah. The risk/reward system. You're not supposed to know when time's up.

Vlokke: I have the time.

Chris: ...Or you can have a cheating teammate, yeah sure whatever. (goes back to his reclining position)

Vlokke: (one of her systems is expanded, showing a hologram of a time readout of 9:49) We have about 10 minutes.

Ulysses: (looks to the base of the mountain, then looks up, gauging the other teams) We can pass three teams in that time, c'mon.

Ralph: (rolls eyes) And what's your plan to do that, alpha idiot?

Ulysses: Uh... climb really fast? Duh?

Ralph (confessional): I can't believe we're about to lose this stupid challenge all because of Ulysses' dumb ass. (facepalms)

Ulysses (confessional): I can't believe we're about to only finish in 4th place in this challenge all because of Ralph's stupid ass. (facepalms)

Vlokke (confessional): I can't believe I got to witness a true 21st century argument, live.

(As the Prideful Prawns scramble to get back up the mountain, the Slothful Slugs look down and notice them from the considerably unimpressive height they've reached so far.)

Em: (gives Melvin and Samira a look) You think we should just hope two more teams fall off and don't pass us? I don't know if we're going to get much farther up than this...

Melvin: (looks down and gulps nervously, then examines the flag in his hand) Hm, to put the flag in here or not...

Em: (raises an eyebrow) Well?

Samira: Bruvs, look at this thingy over here, it looks like a face. (she points at the cliff face in front of her, which looks just like the rest of the cliff)

Melvin: (holds the flag close to the cliff, then pulls it back a little, still thinking)

Em: ... (muttering to herself) Shouldn't have bothered to ask.

Em (confessional): You know... (lays out on the confessional seat, hands on her stomach as she gazes at the ceiling) I think I may have a personal goal to strive for for the first time in awhile. I'm going to hope for a 6th place finish in this challenge. It doesn't make any difference I know, between 6th and last, and 5th... but you know what? It would make me feel just a tiiiiiiny bit better about myself and the trainwreck of a team I've found myself attached to.

(The Lustful Lizards have been moving at a good, steady clip all throughout the challenge. Almost as if one of them was a practiced rock climber and the other two were singularly focused on a goal, as if in a trance. The three of them reach the bear that previously caused the Prideful Prawns to fall.)

Bear: (looks down from its hole and roars)

Bonita: (whispering to herself) Ah merda! (calls down to her teammates) Ocean! Parker! Either of you know how to deal with a bear?

Parker: ... Wait (shakes his head) Bonita why did you stop, hold on-

Ocean: (points up to Bonita, face to face with the bear) BEAR!

Bonita: ... (narrows her eyes) Yes I saw that, thank you. Can you help me with it?

(Parker and Ocean look frenzied, staring at each other as they scrabble up to Bonita's level)

Parker: Uh okay, (looks unnerved as he's within 6 feet of the bear) Bears uh... they uh... hold on, are you supposed to look them in the eye or not?

Ocean: (darts her eyes back and forth in a panic before digging into her pocket and fishing out a crumpled piece of paper. She smooths it out and holds it in front of her) Maybe I can tell it a story!

Bonita: Uh... (looks back up to the bear, who is snarling at her) I'm not sure if that's the best idea but-

Parker: Is that one of the Bonita lemons-

Ocean: No, not this one. (adjusts glasses before reading) "Ulysses suddenly found himself greatly envying the position of Ralph's animals-"

Bear: (roars, trying to swipe at Ocean and ripping the paper)

Parker: (sweats) Uh... uh BANZAI! (leaps onto the bear's back)

Ocean: (leaps back) EEP!

Bonita: PARKER!

Bear: (thrashes back and forth, trying to throw Parker off its back)

Parker (confessional): (Is completely still, his entire body turned pure white and his hair standing on end. His eyes are wide enough to cover the entire upper half of his head and his pupils have been reduced to pinpricks) Maybe. Not. My. Best. Idea. (vibrates for a bit before tipping and falling over, making a sound reminiscent of balsa wood as he hits the side of the booth)

Bear: (throws Parker off its back)

Bonita: OCEAN HELP ME! (reaches out an arm and grabs Parker by the leg, causing him to swing back and hit his face on the side of the cliff underneath)

Ocean: (Completely panics, trying to reach Parker to help him but she nearly loses her grip on the cliff and falls)

Bonita: Foda-se minha vida, foda-se essas pessoas! (pulls up Parker, then faces towards the bear) Alright, alright mamãe ursa, that's enough. Leave them alone.

Bear: (looks somewhat taken aback)

Bonita: (sighs and tosses her hair)

Bear: (hearts form in its eyes)

Bonita: (pets the bear) Good girl... (gives her team a sad look as she continues to pet) You mind giving them a lift?

Bear: (shakes its head)

Bonita: Here you go. (puts Parker on her back again) Now apologize to him, and don't forget the girl over there. (points to Ocean, who's still frozen in fear, holding a few scraps of paper from her destroyed work)

Bear: (apologetic growling) (leaps out of its hole, climbing over to Ocean whom it grabs the shirt of in its mouth)

Bonita: (absentmindedly pets the bear's head as they climb the rest of the cliff together)

Bonita (confessional): Rock climbing... Rock climbing really is... (shakes her head, looking down as she loops her hands around her knee) I love it, it's freeing, it's one of the few things I could do where I could just be me, Bonita. But not today. Today, I did it as the pretty girl, Bonita. (places her leg back down on the floor, putting her hands on her forehead and leaning forward) I got zombies for partners. I want partners for partners. But they're going to be zombies, aren't they?

(A short, silent journey later the team reaches the top of the cliff. It's high enough where some of the smoky fog has abated, the sun peeking through and dappling the area with gold flecks of light. Despite being near the mouth of a volcano, there's a patch of brown grass serenely waving in the breeze. Bonita plants herself here, her legs dangling over the edge, her line of sight somewhere unknowable, but clearly very distant)

Chris: LUSTFUL LIZARDS WIN INVINCIBILITY AND REWARD!

Parker: (pumps his fist) HELL YEAH! Great job Bonita!

Ocean: (joins Bonita at the edge of the cliff, excitedly shaking her shoulder) WE DID IT! YOU WERE SO FREAKING AWESOME!

Bonita: (still is looking out in the distance)

Ocean (confessional): (gives Parker a concerned look) Did she look... sad to you?

Parker (confessional): I... (shakes his head) I can't tell. She could've been sad, she could've been content... (puts a hand to his chin)

Ocean (confessional): Are we good teammates?

Parker (confessional): I don't know... (sighs) I think we're good, but we can always be better. One thing I definitely need to be better at is reading her body-

Ocean (confessional): (punches Parker in the arm) Pervert! (laughs)

Parker (confessional): -language. (rubs his arm) Body language. (chuckles) If I'm ever going to get a girl, whether it's her or someone else, I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong and what girls want from me.

(Meanwhile not too far away from there, the Envious Emus find themselves near the lair of Sasquatchanakwa)

Shuji: Hey team, I bet we can work together like that other team to take this guy down!

(Sherry is still attached to Perce a little ways below Shuji, looking utterly terrified. Perce however looks defiant)

Perce: Shuji, I think we should stand down.

Shuji: Huh?

Perce: (looks at Sherry and wraps her around their arms) Seeing as we can't win reward anymore, you think we should plant the flag and drop? We're pretty high-

Sherry: I KNOW WE'RE HIGH UP! (panting) Please, let's just... Shuji?

Shuji: (looks down) Yeah?

Sherry: We should just stay here until time runs out. I don't want to fall down from this high up. I don't want to risk putting up our flag and us losing our balance.

Shuji: ... (whining) But come oooonnnnnn (gestures at Sasquatchanakwa) Imagine how much EXP he's worth... (lowers his head)

Sasquatchanakwa: (cracking its knuckles)

Sherry: I'm the mage, Shuji. This is my plan.

Perce: (gives Sherry and Shuji quick, firm nods)

Shuji: ... (sighs) You are the mage. Alright.

Perce: (hugging Sherry) You've done so well. I think we're definitely safe, time's gotta be almost up.

Shuji (confessional): Important part of being a part of a team... always listen to your teammates. That's something I've always had trouble with, seeing as I'm just naturally so gung-ho, so "I wanna go over here, do this! (mimes running around) I'm proud of my teammates for putting their foot down, because I know I'm not always going to be right about things. Hell, last time I was wrong about something and ran face first into danger, I had to use up two of my MP resoration potions. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a shop that sells those?

(cut to a grocery store clerk looking confused as Shuji places 20 cartons of laundry detergent on the checkout counter)

Clerk: (gives Shuji an unimpressed look) ...Ey buddy? Got a lotta clothes to wash?

(cut to the Gluttonous Gerbils as they continue their arduous climb. Patty looks determined as always, but Gavin is very clearly out of it and Travis looks quite irate, subconsiously rubbing his sore arms and losing the feeling in his legs)

Travis (confessional): What a miserable challenge this was... (rolls eyes) It's not just that my teammates suck, it's that they aren't built for this specific challenge. I've been forced to wait for these two, tethered to them even! (rubbing his legs) I've had to start and stop so many times, when if they weren't there, I'd have already probably made it to the top! My limbs kept falling asleep! It sucked!

Gavin: (whining) How much longer is this?

Patty: (not bothering to turn around, staying focused on the cliff above her) Can't be too much longer now. Please Gavin, just keep goin'. Ye can handle it.

Gavin: But I'm huuuuungry!

Travis: (sighs, rolling his eyes)

Patty: We're all hungry. Yer doin' great Gavin. Some o' the other teams've fallen off 'n we haven't.

Travis: (muttering to himself) You really aren't...

Patty: Travis, you saw who fell off right? I would've taken a gander but... (licks lips, sweat pouring from her forehead) I've been a bit busy.

Travis: Uh, the team with the princess fell off, the team with the guy who hates me, Ulysses... I think another team...

Patty: Did they put up their flags? Take a gander please.

Travis: (groans) Do I have to do everything... Ugh, let's see... (shields his eyes as he scans the clifftop) Oh there's a gold flag up there, I think that's the Greed team right? I think that's it- oh wait right there! Red!

(just a few feet above them and several feet to the right, the Wrathful Walruses flag is forlornly waving in the breeze)

Patty: How close?

Travis: Very close! Come on let's pass it!

Patty: Ye got this Gavin, just focus!

Gavin: (his arms and legs wobble as he sobs a little bit)

Travis: Come on! We're still ahead of the Sloth team, and I don't see Ulysses' flag anywhere... if we pass this one flag, we can avoid the campfire!

Gavin: (stops sobbing) We can?

Travis: (is annoyed that he has to repeat himself) Yes Gavin. Just move it and we'll be safe!

Gavin: (gulps, wiping away a few tears) I... I'll try! (makes some really strained noises as he attempts to hoist himself up)

Gavin (confessional): My team was counting on me in their time of need! I couldn't let them down! I couldn't let Travis down after all the times he's been disappointed in me! I had to summon the spirit of... the beast!

Travis: (has climbed down to Gavin's position and uses his head to hoist him up from below) You've got this Gavin!

Gavin: I've got this! I've got this! (roars as he slowly begins to climb once again)

(Back at the foot of the cliff, the Prideful Prawns are continuing to argue as the Greedy Giraffes look up at what the remaining teams have been doing)

Demytrius: (from atop Charles' shoulders) Uh, I think the Gluttons are about to pass the Wraths...

Kingsley: (crosses her arms, an inscrutable look on her face)

Seraphina: (walks up to them) They wouldn't be if I had better teammates... by the way Charles, you owe me a new bed.

Charles: (rolls his eyes) Ya want it now?

Seraphina: Not until you get the credit information from those two (jerks thumb towards Bruce and Lil, who are sitting by the side meditating) They need to pay for it.

Charles: Whatever. (turns back to Kingsley) Didn't we want Gavin out? Kingsley, any bright ideas in that oh so smart noggin o' yers?

Seraphina: Knock them down somehow so our team doesn't lose maybe? (rolls her eyes) You don't need Kingsley to figure that out-

Demytrius: Oh no, they already made it. (focuses his attention to the group cheering from above, Patty triumphantly placing the Gluttonous Gerbil flag a foot above the Wrathful Walrus flag.)

Seraphina: Wow, great job everybody (sarcastically claps) Incredible. Well, I'm off to save my ass. (looks over to the Prideful Prawns, who are still fighting)

Ulysses: For the last time Ralph, this is without a doubt, one hundred percent your fault! (jabs a finger in Ralph's chest)

Ralph: Dude, I'm not even claiming it's all your fault, it's both of ours, it's just you're clearly more at fault!

Macie: More at fault! More at fault! BRAWK!

Ulysses: And that's where we differ! It's not my fault at all

Vlokke: Perhaps it was my fault?

Ralph & Ulysses: (turn towards Vlokke simultaneously) NO IT'S NOT! (go back to arguing with each other)

Seraphina (confessional): Well at least there is a crack in this dumb garbage Pride team to take advantage of. Granted, it should be pretty easy to manipulate especially for me, (places hand on her chest proudly) but I still wouldn't even be in this position if not for again, my two servants dropping the ball...or bed in this case, nor my other servant not doing something to prevent the fatass team from passing us. I am a forgiving princess though, and admit that Charles isn't nearly as much at fault though.

Seraphina: (sits down with Vlokke as she nervously scans her clock) So then, which one do you wish to vote out tonight? Both suck so... (gives a half-hearted shrug) I don't really care. Your choice.

Vlokke: (gives Seraphina a half-smile) Oh hello Princess Seraphina Magnifica Florentia Von Opalescence, Her Royal Excellency, Next in Line for the Throne of Madeupia-

Seraphina: Okay the commoners don't have to say my full title every time.

Vlokke: Princess Seraphina then. (clears throat) Well I appreciate the offer, but I don't wish to see either of my teammates leave at this point. They're teaching me so much about this time period!

Ulysses: If it weren't for you and your stupid animals-

Ralph: (gasps) YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

Macie: (her eyes widen as well)

Ulysses: OH HELL NO! YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR ANIMALS? (flicks off Ralph)

Ralph: FUCK YOU TOO! (flicks of Ulysses)

Macie: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! BRAWK!

Vlokke: Oh, that's a new one. (turns to Seraphina) Are you familiar with that hand gesture? Is it common to use it alongside vulgar language in this era? (her databanks whir)

Seraphina: What, that? (rolling her eyes, smirking) Yeah, they're just throwing the bird at each other. It's a really common way of saying you hate someone.

Vlokke: Throwing the bird... (puts that in her notes) That's such an interesting colloquialism- WAIT A MINUTE!

Ralph & Ulysses: (turn towards Vlokke) WHAT?

Vlokke: Ralph, throw the bird!

Ralph: (raises an eyebrow) I just did-

Vlokke: Give the bird, Macie, the flag. And throw her! She can fly, right?

Macie: (cocks her head to the side)

Ralph: (gives Macie a look, then facepalms) Oh my fucking god we're all idiots.

Ulysses: (crosses arms) I mean what have I been telling you-

Vlokke: You've got 30 seconds GO!

Ralph: Macie, (nuzzles the parrot on the beak with his nose) Fly as high as you can and place that flag where you reach in 30 seconds. GO! (throws her straight upward)

Seraphina: (her mouth opens slightly in disbelief)

Vlokke: 10...9...

Macie: (soars upwards like a missile, quickly passing the Sloths)

Vlokke: 5...4...

Em: What the shit

Macie: (soars past the Walruses flag and the Gerbils, before placing the Prawns flag right on time)

Chris: (pulls out a megaphone) TIME'S UP CAMPERS!

Travis: (looks up at the parrot in disbelief)

Chris: LUSTFUL LIZARDS ARE THE ONLY TEAM TO MAKE IT TO THE TOP, THEY ALREADY WON INVINCIBILITY AND REWARD!

Seraphina: Chris I'm RIGHT FUCKING HERE you don't need to use that stupid fucking-

Chris: (shoves the megaphone right in Seraphina's face) SECOND PLACE GOES TO THE ENVIOUS EMUS, WHO ARE HIGHER THAN EVERY SINGLE FLAG!

Sherry: (opens her eyes) Can you get me down from here now?!

Chris: AND THE TWO HIGHEST FLAGS BELONG TO THE GREEDY GIRAFFES AND... THE PRIDEFUL PRAWNS! THEY ALL WIN INVINCIBILITY!

Kingsley: (nods proudly)

Demytrius: ...You had nothing to do with this Kingsley.

Kingsley: Shut up.

Chris: THAT LEAVES THE GLUTTONOUS GERBILS IN 5TH, THE WRATHFUL WALRUSES IN 6TH, AND THE SLOTHFUL SLUGS IN DEAD LAST!

Em (confessional): Wow, the universe cannot even throw me a single bone today. Figures. (lays down on the toilet seat)

Chris: THE NINE OF YOU WILL BE MEETING ME LATER TONIGHT AT THE CAMPFIRE CEREMONY, WHERE ONE OF YOU WILL BE GOING HOME!

Seraphina: Okay, are you done? (swipes Chris' megaphone while sticking a finger in her ear, wincing)

Chris: Hey give that back!

Seraphina: (screaming into the megaphone) CHRIS IS A PATHETIC LOSER HAS-BEEN WHO HAS ONLY BEEN IN D-TIER SCHLOCK MOVIES!

Chris: (pouts) You didn't have to say that out loud...

Ulysses (confessional): Ralph is so lucky Vlokke came up with that plan, otherwise his ass would've been grass, you hear me? Grass! (punches his palm) His ass would've been so grass his stupid animals would've eaten it or something! (looks confused about his own metaphor for a second before continuing) With that said though, I was totally wrong about Vlokke earlier. She's totally a credit to the team! (flashes a thumbs-up) It's nice to know that at least one teammate is cool.

Sherry (confessional): That was... scary... but also kind of exhilarating! Stepping way outside my comfort zone like that, and helping my team win the challenge... it's part of what I always envisioned being on Survivor would be like. Just with, uh... (her eyes slowly drift skyward in thought) ...less bears, and explosives, and a slightly less douchey host. But yeah, Total Drama really isn't so bad so far. Of course, I have to also credit my team, who have been great so far. (smiles)

Travis (confessional): (punches the wall of the confessional angrily) It would be one thing if we were way behind and never stood a chance... but damnit my team legit tried and we were so close. We'd be safe if the parrot thing didn't happen! Honestly, it makes me feel a little more bad about thinking about voting out Gavin, because it barely even feels like his fault that we lost! (sighs, shaking his head) But still, we're probably one of the weaker teams overall...

Kingsley (confessional): Not the best scenario, but not the worst either. Gavin is still up for elimination...but so is Seraphina. (brushes her hair) Now Seraphina, in most cases I would have no issue with her leaving, and I believe I can still pick up the pieces of my game if she does, but I've already invested far too much in the campaign for the Owen clone to leave, so much so that if he were to survive, it could still... complicate things. (straightens herself up) But still, I cannot pretend Seraphina getting herself booted out would not be entertaining. (smirks)

---

THE MAIN AREA

(The twenty-one campers return to their campsite, a variety of reactions to the challenge shown. For one, Bonita strides quickly back to the Lustful Lizards cabin looking quite distressed, with Ocean and Parker following her chanting her name).

Patty: Oi, Lizards! (waves over) Can we talk fer a wee bi-

(Ocean slams the door to their cabin)

Patty: ... (slowly lowers her hand) ...Well boil me in cabbage then. (hangs her head)

Gavin: (snacking on a banana) Hey, let the team relax, they won, they earned it. (pats Patty on the shoulder) Unless you had something really important to say to them?

Patty: Er... (has difficulty looking Gavin in the eye)

Patty (confessional): Now this may be a wee bit o' an assumption I'm makin' here, but Gavin strikes me as the type who, when he hears I can overhear all the stuff happenin' outside... he'd freak out a wee lil' bit. So puttin' this out carefully...

Patty: Gavin, I uh, heard ye might have a few people eyin' ye for elimination.

Gavin: (raises an eyebrow) Wait, who? What? How?

Travis: Someone's actually said Gavin's name?

Patty: Not yer name, no, just a few rumblin's of random conversations y'know. Not 'cause I can hear everythin', mind. Just from people sayin' stuff like "I danae 'bout that Owen guy" right as they went up t' get their breakfast.

Gavin: (his eyebrow is still raised) That sounds more like they haven't met me quite yet. Don't worry, I've talked to everybody already. I think we're getting along now!

Travis (confessional): I can confirm this; Gavin dragged me around a lot throughout the day.

Gavin: Besides, isn't Seraphina like, the most obvious boot ever?

Patty: (laughs) Yeah, true. Ye saw 'er load up 'er team with that bed. But with Total Drama, ye never know if there's a blindside...

Gavin: Pshaw! (waves a hand) I think you're just worrying for nothing Patty. Who would want to keep her around? Over a Samoan Owen? A "Sam-Owen" if you will! (laughs)

Travis: (muttering to himself) Well if she keeps losing her team challenges there's a reason... plus she doesn't do awful puns...

Patty: Right, true. But we should definitely ask 'round with th' others just in case, dontcha think?

Gavin: Yeah sure, we can talk to everyone again!

Gavin (confessional): Yeah, I'm not worried. I mean, I could try and get worried, and like think "oh what if everyone is putting me in a false sense of security" like other players would, but nah, I don't think it's worth spending your time on things like that. (lifts a finger) Not when there's just so much fun to be had and so many new people to meet! If I'm spending all my time just thinking how they'll vote me out, how will I befriend them?

(The Prideful Prawns and the Envious Emus also tiredly saunter to their cabins, exhausted but ultimately glad that they have the entire night to relax. The Greedy Giraffes however split up, with only Demytrius returning to his cabin while Kingsley heads to the Wrathful Walruses while Charles makes to head to the Giraffes cabin, giving Kingsley a signal that he'd meet up with her shortly, before turning back to Seraphina.)

Charles: Alrighty there lil' princess... (places his hands in his pockets) You've put us in a mighty fine pickle...

Seraphina: (looks at him incredulously) Me? Put you in a pickle? Excuse you, but check your privilege. (jabs him in the stomach with her finger) Which team won invincibility again? And which team had two idiots not know what an aileron roll is?

Charles: (gives her a steely glare) I'm not talkin' about that. I'm talkin' 'bout yer attitude. I can see things yer way, but I dunno how many others yer gonna convince.

Seraphina: ...All of them? Because I'm right?

Charles: Listen. (glares down at her) Kingsley 'n I have been workin' our asses off all day ter get Gavin outta here, 'n this is our golden opportunity.

Seraphina: ... (looks confused) The fatass?

Charles: (nods) The fatass. You, you keep yerself in line, help us take out Gavin. This is the best chance ya got of stickin' 'round.

Seraphina: (repeating herself) The useless fatass. Like, you're saying it yourself. Why the fuck would I want to vote out some useless fatass who isn't even bothering me?

Charles: (sighs) Are ya gonna keep askin' me this shit when I've already explained it to ya or not? He's yer best shot of survivin'. Ya wanna survive right?

Seraphina: (rolls her eyes) Yes...

Charles: Look, Gavin wasn't even my first choice either. It was Kingsley's. It's just sometimes in this game... (places a hand on Seraphina's shoulders) we gotta make compromises, okay?

Seraphina: ...Why does she even want him out so badly anyway?

Charles: (shrugs) 'Cause she hates Owen.

Seraphina: Fair. Anyway, I guess I'll go and try to (heavily sarcastically) compromise my way to Gavin's elimination. (starts to walk away)

Charles: Attagirl. (watches her leave)

Charles (confessional): That... wasn't the most reassurin' conversation I've ever been a part of. But I gotta make sure Seraphina survives this. If she goes, who the hell am I supposed ta go ta the finals with? Kingsley better be workin' her... (air quotes) "magic" on th' others.

---

WRATHFUL WALRUSES CABIN

(Kingsley enters the cabin finding it in quite the state. The most apparent part was the empty half of the room with large gouge marks on the floor leading to the door where Seraphina's bed was dragged out of the cabin. But even the other side of the room where the bunk bed was was in considerable disarray, with clothes and items strewn across the floor and sheets, all the drawers opened and Lil looking about ready to murder the next person who looked at her funny. Bruce had his back turned to the closet, throwing out more clothes, his gi drenched in sweat)

Lil: BRUCE those are MY FUCKING CLOTHES!

Bruce: (keeping his voice level) Well Lil, I've already double-checked every single place where I keep my clothes, so logic simply dictates that it must-

Lil: Yeah but MY CLOTHES were NICELY FOLDED! (snatches a crop top from the floor angrily and folds it neatly)

Bruce: You aren't even getting angry at the right person here-

Kingsley: (clears throat) Excuse me, what is happening in here?

Bruce: (turns his head abruptly) Oh hello Kingsley.

Lil: Seraphina stole Bruce's black belt apparently (rolls eyes)

Bruce: Technically we don't know that it was her-

Lil: (screaming) OF COURSE IT WAS HER! She's the one who fucked up the beds, she's the one who fucked up the challenge, she's-

Kingsley: Lil, calm down. The campfire ceremony isn't far away and you need to focus. I'll help you find your black belt after, alright?

Bruce: (nods) I appreciate that.

Kingsley: Good. Now then (gives them both the steeliest look she can muster) we're still on with the Gavin plan, correct?

Lil: (growls)

Bruce: If we have the votes.

Kingsley: (counts on her fingers) You two, Seraphina, Melvin is four. I'll go to the Sloths and reaffirm the plan with them, then you two do so as well, and make sure Melvin gets at least one of them to vote with us. Simple.

Bruce: Yes, indeed simple. Enjoy your stay with them.

Kingsley: (runs a hand through her hair) Thank you. (leaves the cabin)

Bruce: (muttering angrily under his breath)

Lil: My god I can't believe we're still pretending with her (stamps her foot)

Bruce: (shaking his head) I'm getting so sick of it as well, but at least the final hour is upon us. (stands up) Though we might need to make up some kind of lie about us voting in the minority so I can get my obi back.

Bruce (confessional): Do I think Seraphina stole my black belt? It's... (looks to the side) a very possible scenario. More than possible even: if anything it's only making me more confident in my decision to vote her out tonight. But I don't want to dismiss the possibility that someone out there might be framing someone else, for some other sinister purpose. This is Total Drama after all. People have secrets.

Lil (confessional): If Bruce wasn't so insistent about this whole "keeping a secret" bullshit I would've punched Kingsley in the face. Like... is she stupid? Why is she so fucking fixated on Gavin when Seraphina is right fucking there?! I'm certain she stole Bruce's black belt as well, probably some dumb plan of hers to get a rise out of him and get him to fuck up, I don't know. All I know is, this has to be the stupidest fucking day of my life, even moreso than that day mom forced me into 4 different dance recitals! I can't wait for it to be over and for that dumb princess to leave my life forever, and I can actually play the game I fucking want to.

---

SLOTHFUL SLUGS CABIN

(Kingsley enters the cabin, finding Em and Samira mostly vegging, while Melvin has been nervously pacing back and forth, very much anticipating Kingsley's arrival.)

Melvin: Aha! (adjusts glasses as he faces Kingsley) Great timing, we were just talking about the vote-

Em: (yawns) You were talking about the vote, I was just nodding along and wondering why you were pacing so nervously back and forth, though- (gives a passing glance to Kingsley) I guess that's as good of an explanation as any. As for Samira...

Samira: (blowing puffs of smoke from her bong) Bruvs I think I almost got a cube.

Em: ... She's doing that.

Kingsley: Thank you for the commentary Em. (gives her a curt nod, before turning back to Melvin) I take it you've explained the situation to them?

Melvin: Uh, yeah kinda. (darts his eyes to Em and Samira in turn, rubbing his hands) I was going over how Gavin's been a bit of a target, and how keeping Seraphina might be beneficial-

Kingsley: Did you mention it was primarily a discussion with myself?

Melvin: (shakes his head) Didn't think that detail was necessary at the time...

Kingsley: Well it is now. (gently pushes Samira to the front of her bed so she can take a seat, staring firmly at the other two as she turns on all the artificial candles.) Well then, here's my perspective on the situation. Melvin and I have been talking - and you all know how astute he is - that it's within reason to believe that Gavin is potentially the largest threat in the game.

Em: Physically largest or metaphorically-

Kingsley: Metaphorically of course. (straightens up) Now are you going to continue adding sassy remarks or are you going to let me speak?

Em: Sorry (rolls eyes) Continue.

Kingsley: It's very likely that if he remains unchecked, he will amass enough social connections, and also appear unthreatening enough to win the game. As Melvin and I have discussed this, we've heard similar lines of thought from the Wrath team. So we do believe you would have an easy majority to take them out if you were to join Melvin tonight.

Melvin: Uh... (nods head) Yeah that about covers it.

Melvin (confessional): I'm... going to wisely avoid mentioning all the holes in her fabricated story that'll fall apart on the slightest scrutiny and let her deal with those later. When I'm not involved... heheheh.

Samira: (briefly puts down her bong) Bruvs wha-?

Melvin: I do think it could be a good idea-

Samira: I ain't votin' out Gavin. He's my bruv. Bruv from a different muv.

Kingsley: (gives Samira a very tired glare) Well in any case you can call yourself a swing vote then, Em.

Em: (halfheartedly shrugs) Cool.

Melvin: Sorry about this Samira, I know you like him. But this might be the best move for us all in the long run... I think.

Samira: S'cool bruv (waves it off, picking up her bong again) I can't control your mind, yannow? Won't be mad. But I'd rather ya didn't do it, personal-like.

Kingsley: Em, please consider it. Thank you. (leaves the cabin)

Melvin: (turns to Em) So what do you think?

Em: What do I... what the fuck, why do I need to think about this?

Em (confessional): Why the fuck am I a swing vote... in the first round? This is so dumb, these people are trying way too hard. Do I look like I give a shit about who goes? (gives the camera a tired look) Leave me out of this, I don't need half the game to be angry at me this early on.

Melvin: Look, I'm not the one who decided the game would work this way, or... or that the votes would pan out the way they are! (flaps his arms nervously) I'm sorry you're in this position Em, but you are, and you gotta make a choice right? I'll do whatever-

(Bruce and Lil enter the Slothful Slugs cabin)

Samira: (lazily waves) 'Sup bruvs?

Em: (yawns, looking at the two of them while propping her head on her hand) Yes we got the spiel from Kingsley already. We're thinking about it-

Bruce: Stop thinking about it.

Em: (raises an eyebrow) Huh?

Bruce: We're voting out Seraphina.

Melvin: (his eyes shoot wide open) Wait wait wait (waving his hands) But what about Kingsley's-

Lil: Honestly, fuck her. (shrugs)

Melvin (confessional): ...Uh okay what is going on...? I wasn't ready for two members of Kingsley's alliance to just... do... that. My god, what do I do now?

Mevlin: (starts panicking)

Bruce: Melvin, it's going to be okay, I promise. Snap out of it!

Melvin: (stops shaking)

Bruce: It'll be a unanimous vote, so... no big deal right?

Melvin: I mean... I mean I guess not- BUT-

Chris: (over the loudspeaker) CAMPERS, IT'S TIME FOR THE CAMPFIRE CEREMONY! WALK ON DOWN!

Lil: (looking upwards at nobody in particular) Wow fuck you Chris, you gave us like, no time to talk about this. Come on let's get outta here. (Bruce and her leave)

Em: Time to get this over with then I guess. (swings out of her bed and does a stretch)

Melvin: But... but... (clutches his face) Oh my god...

Melvin (confessional): BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REPERCUSSIONS GUYS?! Kingsley sees Seraphina goes, what happens to the alliance that's been keeping us safe? POOF, GONE! (pulling on his hair) And she'll call us all LIARS and put targets on our back, she's got so much laundry on us! (his teeth chatter as he starts to rock back and forth on the toilet seat) Okay Melvin, think about this for a second, if those two are voting Seraphina, you can pull in Em, Seraphina... Travis seemed like he hated his team... CAN I CONVINCE SAMIRA?

Samira (confessional): Dude I don't even know what Melvin's freaking out about this seems like the simplest vote in the world...

(As the campers file out of the Slothful Slugs cabin Seraphina leers at them, impatiently tapping her foot)

Seraphina: You all finished planning my demise in there?

Bruce: (merely gives her a scowl as he passes by)

Lil: (gives her an evil glare) Sure have.

Seraphina: (waves) Good luck darling.

(The three Slothful Slugs leave their cabin and as they do, Seraphina notes that Melvin rushes over to Travis' side, and she follows them.)

Melvin: Travis, you mind talking for a second?

Travis: (raises an eyebrow as he begins walking) Yeah?

Melvin: I've got a proposition for you- oh!

Seraphina: (squeezes herself in between the two boys) Hello you two~ Nervous?

Travis: (shrugs) A little.

Melvin: (nods) Very.

Seraphina: You don't have to worry. I'm not going anywhere tonight. (walks ahead of them with a very confident air to herself)

Travis: (gives Melvin a look) Were you worried about her?

Melvin: Uh... (darts his eyes back and forth) Not specifically about her.

Seraphina (confessional): Wow, my two servants totally just went off and told everyone to vote me off, didn't they? That's very cool of them, very very smart. (does a fake yawn) Well I was hoping I wouldn't have to pull this card in the first ceremony, but over and over again you two just keep insisting I do. First costing me the challenge, now squashing the idiotic Gavin plan. Oh well... (lets out a sinister giggle)

---

THE CAMPFIRE CEREMONY

(Dramatic shots of the nine campers play in a montage as they file into the Campfire Ceremony. There's also a shot of the grass on top of the cliff blowing in the night, as a wolf steps on it and howls at the moon, and another shot of a bat slapping down the Prideful Prawns flag that Macie had managed to clutch victory for her team with.)

(The dramatic fanfare reaches a crescendo as the campers take their seats on the stumps surrounding the campfire. They face Chris who is stationed at his podium, a voting urn to his left and a plate of marshmallows held by his right hand. He gives them all a classic cheesy grin. Chef stands beside him, his face showing he is taking all this far more seriously.)

Chris: Gluttonous Gerbils... Slothful Slugs... Wrathful Walruses... welcome to the Campfire Ceremony. As you all know on this island, marshmallows... (holds up the plate of marshmallows) represent life. Tonight, I have eight marshmallows. Once you vote, I'll call your name, and you can claim your marshmallow. The camper who does not receive a marshmallow must immediately return to the Dock of Shame, catch the Boat of Losers, and leave.

(A shot of the canoe bobbing silently in the water is shown)

Chris: And you can't come back.

(A shot of the nine campers is shown)

Chris: Ever. Unless of course, you manage to find...

Cherubs: (descend from the heavens bathed in angelic light) The Chriiiisssssss Heeeeeeaaaaaaaadddddddd~

Chef: Alright then, before y'all vote, let's talk about how badly y'all messed up today. Startin' with... (marches along until he's face to face with Patty) the Gluttonous Gerbils! Patty! Y'all keep insistin' yer a great chef, and ya are, but ya also keep messin' with my kitchen!

Patty: What're ya gonna do, cry 'bout it? (rolls eyes) It has nothin' ta do with th' challenge anyway-

Chef: Shut up. Gavin, you were slow and tired and if you were just a little faster, maybe ya would've beaten another team!

Gavin: I tried my best Chef!

Chef: And it wasn't good enough today. (turns to Travis) TRAVIS!

Travis: What did I do wrong today?

Chef: Well you were on a losin' team, I dunno. Motivate yer tribe BETTER!

Travis: (gives the rest of the campers a look and spins his finger in a circle around his head)

Chef: SLOTHS! (turns to them) All three of ya sucked today! Not only did y'all not even start climbin' until halfway through-

Em: Chef, please. We were never winning that challenge anyway. And nobody has any reason to vote any of us off. It's not like we caused them to lose.

Chef: (ignores her) WALRUSES!

Melvin: Wait, why did you call us Sloths, and them Walruses? Shouldn't we have been called Slugs?

Chef: AGAIN! All three of you sucked today! Bruce, Lil, neither of you knew what an aileron roll is! You'd NEVER make it in the Air Force!

Lil: (exasperatedly) Seriously what the fuck is an aileron roll?

Melvin: (raises a finger) The aileron roll is an aerobatic maneuver in which an aircraft does a full 360 revolution about its longitudinal axis.

Em: Thanks Wikipedia.

Seraphina: (smiles confidently) Thanks for taking my side there Chef-

Chef: And you, Seraphina! (points a finger at her) YOU messed up the worst of 'em all!

Seraphina: WHAT? (gives Chef a death glare) How dare-

Chef: (returns the death glare) Oh yeah, I do dare. What kinda leader needs their bed to rock climb? Hm?

Seraphina: This one! (points to herself)

Chef: What kinda leader treats their teammates like their dumb servants?

Seraphina: The kind of leader who has dumb servants as teammates?

Chef: You clearly have no experience dealin' with people who won't deal with your bullshit, and this challenge made that crystal clear. If y'all don't go home tonight - I'd be shocked first off -but if you do, you've got a lot of learnin' to do to avoid comin' back here right away and bein' a target all over again!

Seraphina: And what the fuck do you even know about leadership anyway? Like what do you lead, preschoolers?

Chef: (a vein pops out of his temple)

Seraphina: This isn't even fucking relevant to anything anyway. Why are you pointing out how shitty we all are in challenges when literally nobody is voting based on that logic here? Like, if this were one team I'd at least get it. But honestly, it benefits so many more people to target strong people in this kind of system, right? (looks at the rest of the campers) Not like anyone here is even that strong, but I digress.

Chris: (laughs) She got you there Chef! She totally got you there!

Chef: (growls, heading back up to the podium with Chris) I don't even know why I bother...

Chris: So anyway, it's just about time for you all to vote. Does anybody have anything they'd like to say?

Seraphina: (raises hand) Oh, oh so much. First off, Gavin you idiot, people have been targeting you all night, but you aren't going home.

Gavin: (his eyes pop out) Who's been targeting me?

Seraphina: Like everybody? But nobody's actually going through with it because they want me gone more than you.

Gavin: Oh... well uh, that's a relief. (wipes brow)

Lil: So are you finally giving up?

Seraphina: No, I'm just going to change the target to someone who will go home. (faces her teammates) Now, my useless little servants. You've disappointed me so much today. I was hoping you'd manage to be at least somewhat competent enough today. Win immunity? Get someone else properly targeted? But no, turns out I actually can't depend on either of you for anything. So Bruce, it's time for you to go. (snaps fingers)

Bruce: (raises an eyebrow)

Lil: ...And you think people will just... vote him out?

Seraphina: If they're smart they should. I mean, Bruce has spent an awful lot of time lying his ass off to everybody.

Bruce: Lying to who exactly?

Seraphina: Well Kingsley for starters. And yes, I know about Kingsley's plans, and how you've told her you're voting out Gavin right now and you're not. Wow, what a trustworthy guy.

(The other six begin to converse amongst themselves)

Gavin: Were they really targeting me actually? (looks hurt)

Patty: I've been tryin' ta tell ye... 'n the Lustful Lizards...

Travis: Okay but is lying to Kingsley of all people worth voting someone out over?

Melvin: (shaking his head, looking sad that Gavin is apparently not being targeted anymore)

Samira: (just chilling, listening to what's going on)

Bruce: Melvin, lying to Kingsley isn't a big deal. We'll just smooth everything out with her later. But now you have to see that we can't vote out Gavin tonight, right?

Melvin: (sighs) I guess...

Seraphina: Yes smooth everything out with her later, just like what you plan to do when you backstab each and every person sitting here eventually.

Bruce: Seraphina... (growls) Again, this is Kingsley you're talking about. Nobody else here is someone I feel the need to lie to about the game-

Seraphina: Yeah, about the game, sure.

Bruce: (crosses his arms) The game.

Seraphina: (turns to Lil) Hey Lil, I remember you were really interested to find out what that super embarrassing tattoo Bruce had was.

Bruce: (his mouth clamps shut) Don't bring that into this-

Seraphina: Wanna find out?

Lil: I mean I've been curious...

Chris: Ooh, I wonder how embarrassing it is... (leans forward in his podium)

Bruce: Seraphina, no. I've told you already, I'm not comfortable with revealing the tattoo in public-

Seraphina: And why not?

Bruce: It's personal.

Seraphina: Well I saw it last night and let me tell you... (shakes her head) It's not personal, tsk tsk tsk...

Bruce: (freezes, a sweat bead forming on his forehead) How'd you-

Seraphina: I didn't see it last night you idiot, I just wanted to gauge your reaction. And that reaction said everything I needed to hear.

Bruce: Oh you... (darts his eyes back and forth)

Seraphina: Lil you better reveal that tattoo...

Lil: (gives Bruce a nervous look) Bruce... ? What is the tattoo...?

Bruce: (gulps) No... no stop, don't! It's embarrassing, I swear!

Lil: Let me just...

Bruce: NO, LIL! (backs up) STOP!

Lil: (pounces on him, getting into a quick tussle until the back of Bruce's shirt is lifted, revealing something heavily pixilated. She lets out a huge gasp, eyes widened as she back away slowly. A look of pure horror is etched in her face)

Bruce: (his face is beet red as he places his shirt back on)

Lil: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! (Turns to Chris) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH CHRIS FOR LETTING HIM IN?!

Seraphina: Yeah, that's about what I expected. (lets out a low whistle)

Bruce: Lil... please, let me explain-

Lil: THAT'S A SWASTIKA YOU FUCK!

Bruce: It's a reverse swastika! The one that means peace! Please-

Melvin: (for the first time this campfire ceremony he looks grim and stops shaking, as the rest of the cast looks quite stunned) Let me see.

Bruce: ISN'T LIL ENOUGH-

Melvin: (roars right back) I AM JEWISH! LET ME SEE!

Bruce: YOU-

Melvin: (pulls up the shirt again, showing the heavily pixilated image) Yep, that's not reverse. (turns to the rest of the cast) Vote him out.

Chris: (looks horrified) What the fuck Bruce, if I knew... (puts a hand to his forehead as he turns to Chef) Why didn't you do a more extensive background check on the campers?

Chef: That was your job! (raises his hands in indignation) But if accidentally let actual Nazis in, I guess I'll join ya!

Bruce: (slumps to the ground, looking utterly defeated)

Seraphina: Can we vote now Chris?

Chris: I mean... (looks disgusted) Sure, I guess, but like... do we even need a campfire ceremony for this?

Seraphina: Well I want to vote him out. He's a shitty servant, and there are people here who would love to get catharsis on him, I'm sure. (looks to the other campers)

Melvin: (nods firmly)

Em: (looks at Melvin in awe) I've never seen you this confident about anything...

Melvin: (looks at Em) Well...there are things that I am fully decisive on. Not many, but they exist.

Gavin: (is still shellshocked) I can't believe... uh... please uh can I say something as we all go up to vote? (taps his fingers together)

Seraphina: If this is the beginning of a sappy speech, I'll go vote first. (heads to the voting booth)

Gavin: I, uh, don't think we should all let the fact that, uh... (looks at Bruce) this happened dampen our time here on the island. The chances anyone else here is like this is... extremely low. Can we just celebrate that we caught him right away, and move on? With 20 good people?

Melvin: (places a hand on Gavin's shoulder) No hard feelings about being targeted?

Gavin: Nah, I'm just grateful you didn't go along with it. (laughs)

Melvin: Me too, dude. Me too...

(Everyone goes up to vote and returns to their seats)

Chris: I'll make this quick. (throws marshmallows to several campers in turn) Melvin, Em, Samira, Gavin, Patty, Travis, Lil.

(Everyone catches their marshmallows as Seraphina evilly smiles towards Bruce, who looks utterly defeated as he sits besides her)

Chris: And the final marshmallow goes to...Seraphina. (throws the marshmallow to her)

Seraphina: Thank you. (pops it in her mouth, and gives Bruce a cheeky farewell wave) Bye bye cunt.

Bruce: (raises from his seat, not even facing her) Fuck you. (walks to the Dock of Shame) Fuck me. Should've never joined that [REDACTED]'s alliance...

Chef: (rolls his eyes as he crosses his arms) Classy. Do I hafta row him outta here now?

Chris: He can row himself. (claps hands as he faces the audience) Well then! I did say this would be the most dramatic campfire ceremony ever, right? Well, there you go. I don't think you can possibly dispute that claim after that.

Chef: (Shakes his head) What a mess (heads back to the campgrounds)

Chris: Now while Chef uses Vlokke's sciency futurey things to ensure that none of the other campers are nazis, I'll go ahead and sign the episode off! Seraphina survives a night! Will she keep managing to save herself? What will happen to Gavin's target? How about Bonita's zombies, or the Ulysses versus Ralph feud? Or anybody else? I don't know! (raises his hands in exasperation) Stay tuned for the next, far less controversial episode of...

TOTAL

DRAMA

HELL ON EARTH!

---

Bruce: Em, Gavin, Lil, Melvin, Patty, Samira, Seraphina, Travis

Seraphina: Bruce

ENVIOUS EMUS

PERSEVERANCE - THE ATHLETIC SUPPORTER

SHERRY - THE SURVIVOR SUPERFAN

SHUJI - THE SHONEN PROTAGONIST

GLUTTONOUS GERBILS

GAVIN - OWEN 2.0

PATTY - THE SWEET BAKER

TRAVIS - THE COMPETITIVE EATER

GREEDY GIRAFFES

CHARLES - THE NEPOBABY

DEMYTRIUS - THE KLEPTOMAGICIAN

KINGSLEY - THE SELF-MADE WOMAN

LUSTFUL LIZARDS

BONITA - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD

OCEAN - THE ROMANCE NOVELIST

PARKER - THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC

PRIDEFUL PRAWNS

RALPH - THE ANIMAL LOVER

ULYSSES - THE GUY WHO PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL

VLOKKE - THE TIME TRAVELER

SLOTHFUL SLUGS

EM - THE NEET

MELVIN - THE INDECISIVE

SAMIRA - THE PARTY ANIMAL

WRATHFUL WALRUSES

LIL - THE MMA BULLY

SERAPHINA - THE PERFECT LITTLE PRINCESS

ELIMINATED

21ST: BRUCE - THE NEONAZI

Okay first off, this'll probably be the most controversial thing in the entire season. No other eliminations are going to happen like this one lol, I just felt it would be good to start with a bang and Bruce was a character I felt would be a good example of setting some of the tone of the season and showing how the cast will defy their expected labels throughout.

The basic concept I went for with Bruce is a character who seems at first like he's this big redemptive figure, someone who's had a massive change of heart happen in his life when he was caught in a bad place. But in reality, he didn't actually change his beliefs at all; he merely tells people what he believes they want to hear for his own benefit. I had his strategy of "make everyone think I'm this calm nice guy, who's going to help other people become calm nice guys, but really I'm just lying to people" and juxtaposed that with how he merely hides the fact that he's "no longer a nazi" when he's still a nazi. One of the questions I would expect someone to ask is "if Bruce really wanted nobody to find out about this, why didn't he just remove his tattoo", and yeah it's because he's still a nazi. He's a liar. He's a scumbag. He's a deserving first boot.

Also as a minor note, Total Drama production would likely recruit him with the hopes that they'd have another "Duncan" on their hands. The fan favorite "Jerk with a Heart of Gold". But sometimes people are just awful, and sometimes they try and hide that, especially on such a public platform. Controversial as it is, it would feel disingenuous to me to not have something like this in a M-rated Total Drama fic.