Yo yo

Is anyone still here? No? The falloff is diabolical.

Anyways, hey kids I'm back with the milk. its only been *checks notes* a fucking year.

I dunno how long I'll stick around but at the very least I wanna get a chapter of FFT out.

expect that in a few days

let the shitposting commence

The gods had officially run out of ideas on how to torture Jaune Arc.

Also for the approximately four of you who actually read this story, I have some good news. I finally made that Discord server I've been talking about for months now.

Fortunately, a certain God of Darkness had consumed so much primordial booze that his mind ascended to another dimension of reality.

"Brother!" he gleefully exclaimed with a voice that sounded similar to a human child on Dustmas morning, "I've finally cracked it! I know what we should do next."

The God of Darkness had a rather smug aura about him as he puffed out his chest. "Hear me out, brother," he began, "I have crafted the most amazing concoction of chaos this plane of existence has ever seen!" With a wave of his hand, a set of illusions appeared before the pair. What were these illusions, you may ask?

Nora Valkyrie and symbols of the four maidens

"Oh dear..." The God of Light nervously spoke as he continued to stare at the illusions. "Just what do you plan on doing?"

"Just watch!" The God of Darkness spoke with a devilish tint in his voice.

with another snap of his fingers, the woman in question was pulled from one of the many final battles with Salem and sent to the end of time.

"Nora Valkyrie," the God of Darkness began, adopting a regal tone. "My brother and I have selected you to complete a task for us."

The red-haired girl looked to the left, then to the right and suddenly adopted a gravely serious expression, "Do I get a reward?"

try as he might, the God of Darkness couldn't stifle a chuckle; "Is that a yes?" The god was quite well-versed in dealing with greedy humans.

"I have strict demands." The woman began with a stern expression. as she cleared her throat and crossed her arms, she continued, "My first demand is an unlimited supply of Ren's finest pancakes."

"Done." the God replied without hesitation. It was quite a small price to pay.

"Next I want an infinite harem of Rens."

"...What?"

"Oh, and they need to be super protective and manly… but not too protective and manly."

"That's..." the god tried to interject only to be cut off by the excited girl.

"They also need to be 120% Ren!"

"What does that even mean?"

"They need to be super cute! But not too cute or else I'll..." The girl's words trailed off into incomprehensible gibberish as her excitement practically consumed her.

"That's enough," the God of Darkness firmly ordered, finally putting his foot down. "I will fulfill your demands if you complete my quest."

Nora's eyes locked onto him like a homing rocket. "I'm listening," the seriousness in the woman's voice terrified him.

"I intend to send you to the past; your goal will be to prevent Salem from becoming the Queen of the Grimm." The task was pretty simple, but it's an idea that the two brothers had never tested before.

"So what you're saying is... I need to become the Queen of the Castle?"

"I suppose you could say that." the God spoke with a hint of confusion.

"Deal! Send me back! Send me now!"

The God of Darkness didn't even hesitate to blast her into the past.

"This is either the best or worst decision you've ever made," the God of Light spoke with a growing hint of interest. "If anything goes wrong, I'm telling Mom."

The God of Darkness let out an annoyed huff as he turned away from his brother. "Snitch..."

As the legend goes, the terrible creature that was dubbed the Demonic Valkyrie appeared from the gates of the underworld near the town of Aegis.

As the days passed since the beast's initial appearance, more and more villages began trembling in fear. It was said that any village that was unfortunate enough to be in the Demonic Valkyrie's warpath would be left without so much as an ounce of food and were left with nothing but accounts of the Valkyrie's ramblings, all of which were vague combinations of only two words; Ren and Pancakes

As survivors of the beast made their way back to civilization, there was one testimony that they could all agree on; eye-witness accounts claimed to have heard the constant chanting of a single phrase– an asumed war cry– before their villages were left barren.

"I'M QUEEN OF THE CASTLE. I'M QUEEN OF THE CASTLE."

The beast's conquest continued until it finally reached the gates of the capital.

"Open the gates for your queen!" the beast demanded as it brandished a comically large hammer in its hand. Despite hiding the visage of a young woman, no man was fooled by the beast's appearance.

The Demonic Valkyrie waited a grand total of three minutes before deciding to storm the capital. Many brave men rose to the occasion and attempted to fell the foul beast; however, unfortunately, none of these men would be remembered by history.

Even the greatest of knights in the royal guard only managed to hold the beast at bay for thirty minutes. No one was able to stop the beast as it approached the king's chamber.

Legend has it that the noble king pleaded for the safety of his people, but the beast couldn't be reasoned with. Only a single sentence leaked from the beast's mouth, "You won't stand between me and my harem of Rens!"

the rest was history

Just as quickly as the beast had appeared, so too did it disappear. The following account is taken directly from the journal of the King of Everday.

"The Beast took my kingdom without taking so much as a single wound; I had never before encountered something so utterly terrifying.

When I was forced to abdicate the throne and surrender my power to the Beast, a light flooded the room. When my vision returned, I was met with the sight of the Brother Gods themselves!

The God of Darkness congratulated the demon on the swift takeover of my kingdom and said she had earned her reward.

The gods snapped their fingers in unison, and a light enveloped my chambers once more.

The next thing I saw were a horde of identical men flooding the area.

Whoever these men were, it seemed that their appearance was a part of the demon's reward, for its reaction to the sight was just as dramatic; its face turned as red as its hair.

As I observed the horde, I felt the haunting touch of death on my shoulder. As I looked up, I saw the face of the demon staring into my very soul.

The demon demanded that I leave and ordered me to forbid anyone from stepping foot in the royal palace for three full days.

T

T

moans.

No one ran faster than I that day."

That concludes the account of the former King of Everday. May his soul rest in peace.

As for the Valkyrie... well... history is unsure of what became of the beast who conquered as easily as it breathed. Some accounts suggest that, after three days of thorough fornication, the beast had chosen to sink away in the sands of time. Only one thing is certain from the aftermath; the first year following the disappearance of the beast, there was a meteoric uptick in children with red hair and pink eyes.

That's all folks.

I didn't really have any plans upon coming back so I kinda just threw this together. Call it a return to form.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I'm thinking about making a comeback. For the one singular guy who still reads this story, this is for you buddy. This and a new FTT chapter. Merry christmas lmao.

that's all from me

Until next time.