After leaving the dungeons, it's still fairly early, and the hum of the castle is yet to reach full capacity. So, I make a quick stop at the infirmary, and after promising Poppy that I would keep in touch, I was finally discharged.
I made my way to Minerva's office and after a quick cry and hugs, I promised to keep in touch. I reassured her that I was okay. I allowed her to fuss over me for a minute, but I explained that I needed to head off to find Severus. I made my excuses and left.
Making my way to the headmaster's office, I mused over my previous conversation with him, still so much left unsaid. How will I ever explain the last few years? Explain that I had finally come to the conclusion that I was never going to find my way home to him. All the while knowing it was my fault this happened to us, ultimately. Something in my work had made this time-turner mistake. A mistake, I repeat, shaking my head. Some fucking mistake, Hermione!
On my last leg of the journey to his office, the castle was now bustling with students milling about. I wondered, after passing some first years, were we ever that small?
I climbed towards the office when I suddenly realized I didn't know the password. I stood looking at the grand entrance and pondered what he would have used. I tried a few, even "lemon drops," knowing that could've been a laugh. A thought entered my head, and I whispered, "Hermione." The large staircase opened before me. Ah, interesting, I think.
I march up to the top of the stairs, where it opens to the main office. The large desk and trinkets on the shelves are still in place.
The stand where Fawkes used to sit is long gone, but the whole area seems cleared and tidy.
The room appeared to be missing its owner.
I gaze around the room, spying some sleeping portraits. My eyes land on a twinkled-eyed professor who's sitting quietly and smiling as our eyes meet. "He's not here, Hermione." "Clearly," I reply. "Careful, you're starting to sound like him," he chuckles.
I tried to give him a glare, but I couldn't quite pull it off like the room's owner.
"Hermione, I have an apology to give you."
This takes me back and makes me a bit suspicious. "Whatever do you mean?"
"Sit down, my dear. I have some explaining to do."
I turn, drag one of the hard wood chairs, and perch expectantly.
"I have wondered what I would say to you if ever given the chance, and I must say it's now quite harder now that you're actually here."
I looked on, a bit puzzled.
"I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning," I offer. "Yes, yes, you're quite right, my dear."
The old headmaster looks uncomfortable and, after resettling himself, starts his tale.
When you first began working at the ministry, you may remember the first minister, called Millicent. He retired, and Fudge came in. "Yes, I nod, I remember him."
Well, Millicent and I go way back. In fact, we were schoolboys together, and over the years, we kept in close contact. You see, to the outside world, he had retired, but I assure you, he was still very much involved in the fundamental decisions at the ministry. We had an understanding: he would keep me abreast of ministry information, and I would update him on school happenings.
We used to speak at length, of course, about Riddle. We would brainstorm his expected plans for the future.
He paused for a moment, and in that moment, he looked very old.
"However," he continued, "even I couldn't have imagined the horrors that were in store for us all. 'Some more than others,' he looked pointedly at me."
I want to take you back to when you and the team were working hard on the theory of making the jump. This was continually discussed at a high level: if this was ever possible, what would we do if the team could actually pull it off.
Okay, now he has my full attention, I internally think. No one outside of the Ministry secret keepers should have had any knowledge of the Jump, and here was Dumbledore saying that he and an old minister friend were chatting about it over tea!
"So the first thought was to go back and simply terminate Riddle as a child, but that's just too simple, and way too many variables would ride on this."
It was felt it was best to allow Riddle to actually make it to adulthood. As the lessons we had learned in the first war - if we had eradicated Riddle, someone else would have simply taken his place.
I mused that we in the mistery had gone through the same thought process, the fundamental bred mindset of pure bloods regarding blood purity, another Riddle would have come along one way or another.
He continued.
We had no one other than Severus who knew Riddle or knew the inner workings of the group.
And many, including myself in those early days, Hermione, were not fully trusting of our resident spy.
I take a breath to voice an objection, but he raises his hand to silence me and continues.
If I'm being completely honest, a great deal of knowledge about their way of thinking had been gathered as a result of Riddle's downfall the first time.
So, the ministry took the view that they didn't want to be "seen" actively outing and murdering him, but rather changing and handling the variables they had control over.
I looked at him, "You mean the control of Severus?"
He smiles down at me like a proud father, a smile that says, "Well done, bright girl. I knew you'd understand."
"Well," I demand, cutting off his gaze.
His smile falters. "Yes, but in turn, to control you!"
Severus's actions in the first war were solely to protect you, as you are muggle-born, mixed with a naive childhood love for Lily Evans, if I remember correctly. You used to be quite close with her at one point.
"Yes," I gritted my teeth, but we ended up running in different circles after school, if you remember. "Yes, yes, quite right. Yes, I do, and I do remember the treatment they placed at Severus's feet during school, Hermione. That will always be one of my greatest regrets." "One?" I pointedly said.
He ignores me and continues, "I love Severus. He became like a son to me. No one else in this world could ever understand the devotion he showed me. I need to tell you that I'm fully aware I've abused that trust, Hermione, but I hope one day you will believe me when I say I did it because I felt it was for the greater good."
I scoff, but don't utter a word. He breathes a loud sigh.
"Severus was a very young man when he aligned himself with Riddle. He had backed himself into a corner, and when you came along, he was already in too deep to ever 'just leave.' Hermione, you know that."
"Yes, I accept that, Professor, but..."
He holds his hand up to quiet me, once again.
He was a Death Eater who wanted to marry a Muggle-born witch, Hermione. How long before his cover would be blown? How long before he would be asked to hand her over?
You and I both know he would have died fighting before that ever happened! "Once we had intelligence that Riddle could possibly return, I had to take steps to protect our asset."
We had a staring contest. He was right, of course, but I didn't say a word. I sat motionless.
He continued, "Riddle got sloppy that night at Godric's Hollow, with the Potters. Most thought he had been terminated for good."
"I didn't Hermione.
In the years since Lily's death, Severus had carried the guilt of not doing enough. However, as we know, in the end, the Potters put their trust in the wrong secret-keeper. As they say, the rest is history!"
"With respect, Professor, I know all this. Not trying to sound childish, but having Severus's previous love life laid out was not particularly comfortable."
Yes, I thought, Severus had loved Lily Evans, but it was a childish love, one that came from friendship and the lines had blurred along the way.
She'd turned her back on him well before he and I got involved, but it didn't stop the young Hermione from hurting at the mention of her. The now older Hermione "me" pushed the feeling down. I knew what we had together way surpassed his fancy for Lily sodding Evans.
"So explain to me why, 11 years after Lily's death, her son and a young, curly-haired girl joined Hogwarts?" I say, jabbing my thumb towards myself, to make sure I hit the message home. I was referring to me.
"Explain that part to me," I had raised my voice slightly.
Looking deflated, Dumbledore stroked his long white beard and spoke once more.
"It had been decided that once the date was set for the trial jump, the distance could be improved and amended, if you will."
"At whose say-so?" I ask.
"Mine," he replied cuttingly.
No longer the twinkling old man now, fierce blue eyes looked upon me.
Silence... I let that answer filter through my ears and bounce around in my brain like a ping-pong ball.
"YOU?"
"Yes," one word, and the only one needed.
"But, what? How? Why?"
"I'll start with how," he replied.
I was able to infiltrate the calculations easily enough. Your team was quite accommodating to a silly old fool popping by to wish them well, and I must admit I played my part well. I was able to amend the date back, and the reason is equally simple.
"To control Severus," I stated.
Rage, I could feel my heart beating in my ears—if I were Tonks, I'm sure I'd have steam coming out!
He paid no mind to my obvious revulsion and carried on speaking.
"I went so far as to add a memory changer, removing you from that timeline so no one even knew to look for you."
He paused for a moment. "All except Severus, of course." He shrugged his shoulders (the fucking wanker was almost cocky).
He believed it to be an accident until last night when I told him, as I'm now telling you.
Once Severus knew you had jumped back and entered the hall as an 11-year-old, I had absolute control over him. I knew he'd never knowingly put you in danger, which in turn protected Harry.
I opened and closed my mouth, flabbergasted!
So I think Severus already knew this when I went to him last night. I tucked that away for later.
"You stood by, watching that man who was half dead by the end." You are fucking kidding me, Dumbledore?"
"No, Hermione, I am not," and I would ask you not to use expletives! "Go fuck yourself; it's a good job you're already dead." I was up on my feet.
"Chuckling, that's exactly what Severus said."
You played God with our lives. How could you do that to him, to me!
I'm standing now, finger pointing at the portrait like a madman!
"Hermione, I needed him. We all needed him. Without him, we had no chance against Riddle."
"I had to be sure of my absolute trust in him; this was the only way."
My shoulders slumped. I knew what he was saying was true, but it didn't make the gaping hole in my heart feel any better.
"What I didn't know, however, was that your memories had returned to you prior."
Severus quickly dropped this information to me this morning. I now have to ask you, what are you going to do now that you have all the facts?
"The facts?" I spat.
"What good is any of this information?"
"So, you've kept Severus on a tight leash and me like bait, making sure he toes the line!"
"Are you going to report it to the Ministry?"
"Why?" I ask, intrigued.
Dumbledore shuffled uncomfortably in his portrait. "Well, it can't do me any real harm, to be honest, but the very fact that the Ministry was involved could very well undermine our society."
I stared at him. Did I even know this man?
He is literally one of the men in grey suits, I think. Controlling the narrative.
All my years of research, I think, all the hard work for nothing; pain settles in my chest.
He was the person who quite literally sent me down the river. No longer wanting to be in his presence, I moved to leave. With my back to him, I asked.
"Who else knew about your little plans?" I said in disgust.
"I'm not willing to say at this point," he replies.
Ah, there it is! I think. The carrot!
"I'm sure I'll have more questions."
I state matter-of-factly. Before I even gave him a chance to reply, I walked away, feeling dirty, washed up, totally devastated.
He was the one who had stolen our lives.