A/N: There's a funeral in this chapter and some other parts that might be triggering to some readers. Fair warning.

Chapter 7

It had been two days since Jane had left Maura's house in the early morning hours.

She had woken up that morning, confused, her head pounding from the effects of the alcohol she had ingested the previous day, and it had taken her a moment to figure out where she was.

The comfort of the bed, and the warm body she was wrapped around, almost made her fall back asleep.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for the events from the previous days to come back to her, quickly followed by the feelings of sadness and guilt.

Very carefully, trying not to wake Maura, Jane had disentangled herself and slipped out of bed.

She had gotten dressed, planning to leave right away, but for some reason she was frozen on the spot.

For long minutes she had just stood there in the bedroom, next to Maura, watching her sleeping form. She looked so small and fragile like that, curled up in a small ball.

Jane had kneeled down next to the bed. She had reached out her hand to brush a piece of honey blonde hair from Maura's forehead, when she noticed the ring on her left hand. She had just stared at it, at the promise that they had made to each other a few months ago.

And she realized that with everything that happened; Maura's reaction at the warehouse, the words she had spoken to Jane afterwards, even through all of the anger and confusion, she still loved this woman.

But how could she stay with her?

Jane had experienced darkness before. After Hoyt, after she had shot herself. But the way she felt now, it was worse. Those other times, those were things that had happened to her. This, Frost's death, was something she'd done. And until she found a way to deal with it, the guilt would be eating her alive. She could already feel herself sink further and further into depression.

How could she pull Maura down with her? Knowing that she would keep hurting her, until there was nothing left of them. It wasn't fair to break them both.

She couldn't do that, she couldn't stay. She needed to be alone and try to process, try to deal with everything that happened.

So Jane had slid the ring off her finger and placed it on the night stand, not even noticing the tears that were falling down her face while doing so.

She had pressed a kiss to Maura's temple, then left the room and the house. All the while regretting leaving the other woman behind, but knowing it was for the best.

Since leaving Maura's house, Jane had been holed up in her apartment with the door locked. Her friends and family had tried to reach out, but she had ignored their attempts. The brunette had been avoiding anyone and everyone. She wanted to be alone. To wallow by herself; not sleeping and drinking too much. She knew she looked like hell, and she felt like it too. And she didn't really care, except that she still had a duty to perform.

Tonight was Frost's wake, and tomorrow was the funeral. So she would have to go outside, be presentable. Be present.

Jane took a shower and opened the closet, unfortunately realizing that she didn't have her dress uniform. It was still at Maura's house, and she would need it today.

With no other choice available, Jane got in her car and drove to the doctor's house. She parked her car in the street and walked up the driveway.

She still had a key of course, but it didn't feel right to just go in, and she wouldn't, not unless Maura wasn't home.

So she rang the bell, and waited outside.

It didn't take long for Maura to open the door, her expression one of relief, and hope, "Jane…"

"I…my uniform is here," Jane said, explaining her presence.

"Oh," the disappointment was briefly evident on Maura's face, before she recovered. "Come in," she said, stepping to the side to let the brunette enter the house.

"I'll just get it, and be on my way," Jane said, visibly uncomfortable, picking at the scars on her hands.

Maura of course noticed the action. It was something Jane only ever did when she was really stressed, and it said a lot about her current state of mind.

Jane disappeared into the bedroom and a short moment later walked back out, with her uniform and cover in hand.

They just stood there, facing each other, neither of them speaking.

"Jane, please stay," Maura finally asked, her voice soft, pleading. "You can get ready here. We can go together." she reached out her hand to grab Jane's, but stopped mid motion, then withdrew. "Even if it's just for today and tomorrow, let me be there for you."

The detective was just staring at her feet, not knowing what to say to that, so many different things going through her head. She was still so angry and confused; so lost.

"Please, Jane. I…I need you."

The brunette finally looked up, her own eyes connecting with sad hazel ones. Could she do it? Could she lean on Maura, let Maura lean on her, put everything aside for a few hours? Slowly she nodded, and she could see the relief wash over the woman in front of her.

They didn't really speak after that, since it wasn't the time for conversation.

Jane got ready in the guest room, and they drove to the funeral home in silence.

Because detective Barry Frost died in the line of duty, he was getting a funeral with military style honors, which included a casked watch during the viewing.

The honor guard would rotate throughout the evening, taking watch two at a time at fifteen minute intervals.

It was a high honor, and one that no officer would ever decline; neither did Jane.

She got her turn together with detective Korsak.

Jane stared straight ahead the entire time, her eyes unseeing. Her thoughts and emotions impossible to read.

After their fifteen minutes, another team came and relieved them. Korsak tried to catch Jane afterwards, but she waved him off, indicating she didn't want to talk, she just couldn't.

Jane had tried to keep a low profile throughout the viewing, to 'hide' in the shadows as much as possible. Except it wasn't really possible, one person after the other came up to her. And every time they conveyed their condolences to her, it made her feel worse and worse.

Towards the end of the evening, she had just come out of the bathroom, she heard two people quietly talking.

"Oh, no," Frost's mother said, "don't go blaming yourself now."

"But, Paddy Doyle, he's…" Maura's voice was strained.

"We know who he is, they told us what happened," Frost mother spoke again, "it doesn't matter. This is not your fault. We don't blame you, and Barry wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself either. He spoke very highly of you Dr. Isles. He spoke very highly of all of you."

Jane realized that Maura was apologizing, Maura blamed herself for what happened. She couldn't listen to it any longer, listen to Maura's broken voice. Listen to the hurt she had caused them all. It wasn't Maura's fault, it was hers and hers alone. Jane went back the way she had come, and made her way outside, again wondering how on earth she was going to get through the actual funeral tomorrow.

It was the next morning, about forty five minutes before the funeral, that the bell rang to Jane's apartment.

The brunette took a deep breath before she opened the door.

Maura was standing in front of her, wearing a black dress, with matching jacket and shoes; sober, immaculate.

It was painful to see her.

"Are you ready?" Maura asked and Jane nodded.

After she had left the viewing last night, Jane had texted Maura that she'd gone home. The reply had been 'I'll pick you up tomorrow morning', and Jane hadn't argued it.

If she was truthful to herself, she needed Maura today, and she knew Maura needed her as well. So for just today, they would support each other.

Maura drove them to the station, from where the funeral procession would start.

There were over a thousand people lined up down the street, from the precinct to the church two blocks away. The majority of them were uniformed officers and other emergency personnel from all over the state of Massachusetts.

Because of Barry's background, and who his father was within the navy, all the funeral customs were being followed.

A large group of motorcycle cops led the funeral procession, followed by the flag bearers.

Then the traditional group of bagpipers, playing songs like 'Flowers of the Forest'.

All officers lining the streets held their salute until the car with the coffin had passed.

It was a sight to behold; a farewell fit for a hero.

It touched Jane deeply, but she knew that the only way she was going to get through today, was to shut down her emotions as much as possible.

When the funeral procession made it to the church, Jane and Maura took their seats, mostly avoiding contact with anyone else.

During the eulogy, after an especially moving part where Frost's mother spoke, Jane reached her hand out and held onto Maura's. She was trying not to cry, not to feel, not to break down. She was trying to keep the stoic mask on her face in place.

When everything was done, all in attendance slowly moved into a long line, to pay their respects.

When it was Jane's turn in line, she put her hand on the casket, and took a deep breath. "Goodbye, Frost" she whispered softly, so nobody else heard, then removed her hand. She turned around and walked away, not stopping until she was outside.

From the church they drove to the cemetery. It was mile after mile of police cars, lights flashing.

When they finally arrived, Jane got out of the car, and looked up at the sky. It was sunny today; warm, bright, with not a cloud in sight. It was the exact opposite of what she felt like, which was cold, dark and gloomy.

Having to say goodbye to her partner today, standing in front of his casket. Seeing Frost's family crying and mourning, knowing that he died because of her. Knowing it should have been her that died. It was all too much, but she couldn't leave; not yet.

At the cemetery, again all funeral customs were being followed.

The pallbearers, including Frankie, detective Korsak and Jane herself, carried the coffin wrapped in the american flag, while the bagpipes started playing 'Amazing Grace'.

Even though she tried so very hard not to cry, a single tear escaped and rolled down her face.

After they had carried the coffin to the final resting place, the flag was taken off, folded and given to Frost's parents.

The eight officers that formed the firing squad, carried out the twenty one gun salute.

Every shot fired felt like a physical blow to Jane.

It was during the last call that ended with the words, 'Frost 10-42…Detective Barry Frost is off the watch' that Jane started to really fall apart. Maura who sensed the shift in the brunette put her hand on the small of her back in silent support. It calmed Jane just enough to be able to keep standing.

When everything was said and done, a large group of them headed to the 'Dirty Robber'. Of course they all expected Jane to be there as well.

The brunette had one drink before she couldn't stand it anymore. She had been inside the bar exactly ten minutes, when she quietly slipped outside, and went home.

Maura had been in the bathroom when Jane left the Dirty Robber, and it was so busy inside the bar, it took her a while to notice she was missing.

After asking several people if they'd seen the detective, she found one officer that had seen Jane leave some time ago.

Maura immediately went outside, got in her car and drove to Jane's apartment.

When she got there, she quickly made it up the steps to the building and walked inside. She knocked on the door, an waited for an answer, a sound, anything that would indicate someone was inside.

When nothing happened, Maura only hesitated for a split second. She knew the risk of entering uninvited, but she just needed to know for sure if Jane was inside or not. She pushed her key in the knob and opened the door, but was met with silence.

Maura walked further inside, and was a little shocked with the chaos inside the small one bedroom apartment.

It was dark, the curtains drawn. Bottles of booze were everywhere; some broken, some empty, some not.

The doctor quickly realized that Jane was in an even darker place than she had originally thought.

She pulled out her phone, and dialed the familiar number; hoping that just this once the brunette would actually answer.

…

"Maur," Jane's voice sounded funny when she answered the phone.

"Jane, where are you?" Maura didn't hide her concern.

"Out…side," came the slow response.

"Outside? Where's that, Jane?"

…

Maura listened closely to the background noise on the other end of the line. She could hear cars, the wind, ...an airplane going over. Wait, she could hear the same airplane herself, right outside. Jane was close.

Then it connected, and Maura realized she knew exactly where the brunette was.

Maura rushed up the stairs that lead to the roof of Jane's apartment building. They had spent many nights up there, it was the one place Jane would go when she was really upset.

She had told the doctor something about how it made her feel better, lighter; free.

Maura opened the door that led onto the roof and looked around. She audibly gasped when she spotted Jane.

The detective was still in her police uniform, her tie undone, the shirt mostly unbuttoned. She was standing precariously on the edge of the roof, holding her phone in one hand, and a bottle of strong liquor in the other.

"Jane," Maura approached slowly, not wanting to startle the woman in her balancing act.

The brunette didn't turn around, "you found me," she said, "you were always good at that."

"What are you doing?" Maura asked, taking a step closer. She noticed Jane was borderline drunk.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to jump." Jane laughed without humor, "it would be too easy."

"Then why don't you come down from there?" the doctor urged. She was holding her breath, watching the brunette's footing on the narrow ledge. Knowing that one wrong move could make her topple over.

She could see Jane take a deep breath, "…I killed Frost."

"Doyle killed Frost," Maura stated.

"…I killed Doyle."

"You had no choice, Jane."

"You said I was a killer," the detective took a sip from the bottle in her hand.

"I was upset, I didn't know what happened. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." Maura tried to hold back her tears, and keep her voice steady.

Jane looked over her shoulder at Maura, "you were right…I am a killer," another sip.

"No, you're not," the doctor took a step closer, "please come down from there."

"I should have let him kill me," Jane leaned a little further over the edge, looking down at the street below.

"Please don't say that," Maura's voice broke, "I need you to be alive."

The brunette finally turned around on the ledge, now fully facing Maura, "tell me you don't blame me for your …father's death."

"I don't," Maura responded, "and he was not my father."

Jane narrowed her eyes, "I took away the answers to your questions Maura, how can you not blame me for that?"

"I…" There was no other time in her life when Maura wished she could tell a lie more than today. "Do you blame me for Frost's death?"

Jane's expression just turned sad, she didn't blame Maura for Frost's death. Yes, she was angry with Maura, but only for her reaction afterwards, only for choosing Doyle over her, even if only for an instant. But blame her for the death of her partner, no.

"I don't." Jane finally said, but she had waited too long to respond, and she could tell Maura didn't believe her.

Both realizing that even though they said they didn't blame each other, it didn't matter, because the feelings of hurt and betrayal were there just the same.

"I love you," Maura said, taking another step closer.

"Is it enough?" Jane asked sadly, more to herself than anything.

"I hope so," Maura was only a few feet away now.

The brunette shifted a little on her feet, when one of her shoes slipped, and it took a moment to regain her balance.

Maura had rushed froward, her arms instinctively reaching out; terrified because Jane had almost fallen down.

"Please come down, Jane. I need you." Maura tried to keep the fear out of her voice, her heart still beating a lot faster than it should.

The brunette stared at the blonde woman in front of her. She looked deep into hazel eyes, they were so sad, and scared. Jane couldn't stand it anymore, she took a deep breath, then finally nodded, before stepping down from the ledge.

When Jane was on solid ground again, Maura finally dared to really breathe again. She didn't know if the gesture would be appreciated or once again brushed off, but she couldn't help herself, Jane could have just seriously hurt herself, or worse.

So Maura quickly wrapped her arms around the woman's slender frame, and pulled her close against herself.

For a moment the brunette did allow the hug, knowing it was what Maura needed, but she didn't return the embrace.

"I'm sorry Maura. I just...I can't do this," Jane said, pulling away. It just hurt too much, she couldn't allow herself to take this comfort, and allow Maura to think that everything was okay. Nothing was okay, so she walked away.

She heard Maura call after her.

She could hear her cries, and it broke her heart, but Jane didn't stop; she couldn't make herself stop.

When Jane had pulled away from her, was the moment Maura realized. It didn't matter what she had said. It hadn't solved anything. Jane had already shut her out.

And it was the first time since everything had happened that Maura started to wonder if they could really recover; could their relationship survive this?

And the realization that it might not, made her cry even harder.

A/N2: This chapter gave me so much trouble, so I have to give a shout out to my beta Krazyhippo66 for helping me through the frustration.

Thank you to everyone for the alerts, favs, reviews, pm's, etc. it fuels me to keep writing.

There will be another update sometime later this week. Until then, I would really appreciate your feedback on this chapter. ~Oogliebooglie