FIFTEEN
Brenda arrived in Port Charles around seven that evening.
It felt like she had been flying all day.
She had flown from Colorado to Seattle, then from Seattle to New York.
She was exhausted.
Lois told the Quartermaines that she was coming and they invited her to stay at their home.
She gladly accepted.
Edward was not happy that she was going to see Sonny, but thankfully Lila understood.
Lila thought it was the right thing to do, given that they were so close at one point.
Brenda showered, borrowed Lois's car, and headed over there.
She wasn't even sure if he was home.
She didn't call, because she wasn't sure he would answer the phone.
She called Christian as soon as she arrived, but he didn't answer.
She left a message letting him know she got there safely and she would call later.
Brenda pulled up to Sonny's penthouse building.
It had been so long since she'd been there.
The last time was after Stone's funeral.
She parked and went inside.
She took the elevator up to his floor and some guy was standing outside of his door.
She knew he was affiliated with Sonny, she just could tell.
"Hi, I'm here to see Sonny."
"No visitors."
"Tell him, Brenda is here to see him."
The guy's eyes roamed over her and he went inside briefly.
To her surprise, Jason walked out.
Lois did tell her that he was working for Sonny now.
She hadn't seen him in so long.
It was weird seeing him now.
He used to be one of her closest friends, but all of those memories were wiped out after his accident.
"Hello, Brenda."
"Hi, Jason. I'm surprised you remember my name."
"I don't remember anything before the accident, I remember everything afterwards. I remember you. You came to see me in the hospital. Give me a minute, I'll let him know you are here."
Jason left briefly and returned as quickly as he left.
"Come on."
She followed him inside.
The penthouse looked so gloomy.
It was also a mess.
She lived with Sonny and knew this was so unlike him.
He was a neat freak.
Everything had to be in its place.
He was definitely struggling.
Sonny was sitting on the large sofa.
He looked like all the life had been sucked out of him.
He also looked like he hadn't shaved in days.
If she had to guess, probably not since the funeral, which she learned was about a week ago.
She cautiously approached him, not sure how she would be received.
Jason left.
Sonny tried to smile when he saw her.
She sat down on the coffee table in front of him. "I came as soon as I heard. Sonny, I am so sorry."
He ran his hand through his hair. "It's my fault, Brenda."
"Don't say that."
"It is, you know it. The world knows it."
She touched his face. "I don't think that."
He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "You shouldn't be here."
"Sonny, I had to come. I had to come and make sure you were ok."
"I'm fine. I'm breathing. I'm alive…but….Lily…."
Tears filled his eyes.
She moved to the couch and wrapped her arms around him.
He held onto her tightly and sobbed…
It was late when Brenda made it back to the Quartermaine mansion.
Everyone was already in bed.
She went to her room and showered again.
Maybe she thought she could wash the stench of death away?
It didn't work.
She didn't know if she helped Sonny or not.
She just tried to be an ear and listen.
She told him she would be back tomorrow.
There was no way she was going to spend the night there.
She felt like he wanted her to.
There was no way she was going to do that.
Even being there felt strange.
She got into bed and dialed Christian.
She hoped he would pick up.
She knew he was angry.
She was just about to hang up when he answered.
She didn't give him time to say anything.
"Christian, don't ignore me."
"I wasn't ignoring you, Brenda. Where are you?"
"I'm staying at the Quartermaines."
"Did you go see him?"
"Yes, he is a mess, Grey. I know you don't care."
"No, I don't. You must have left quickly, because I went to your condo, but you were gone."
"You came to stop me?"
"Yes. I really want to come to Port Charles and get you, but I know I can't make you do anything."
"No, don't come. I'm fine. I wouldn't lie to you. I know you don't understand, but I had to come. We aren't together anymore but this is bigger than our failed relationship. Someone was killed. I knew her and at one point I liked her. We were friendly…once. I never wished death on her. Never."
"I understand what you are saying, but you have to understand that it is you I care about. None of that means anything to me."
"I love that you are concerned, Christian. I'm not going to put myself in any danger."
"Brenda, you already have, just by going over there."
"I'll be careful, Grey."
"How long are you staying?"
"Not long. I just had to come and pay my respects." She attempted to lighten the mood. "Do you miss me?"
He answered her question with a question. "Do you miss me?"
"Yes, you know I do."
"Get on a plane and come back."
"I will. I don't plan on staying long. It really feels strange even going over there. I just had to. Again, I had to pay my respects."
"I could have sent flowers on your behalf."
She laughed. "You are cold, Christian."
"No, I just wouldn't go anywhere near him. I'm sure he blames himself. Although, it is partially her fault. She knew what she was signing up for."
Brenda couldn't deny that.
Lily always made it a point to show how she was made for Sonny's life and Brenda wasn't.
And now she was dead.
It didn't feel real…..
Brenda went back over to Sonny's the next day.
He was making some progress.
He actually shaved.
As soon as she walked in, she started straightening up the place.
He tried to stop her, but it was a mess.
There was no way she was just going to sit there and not do anything.
There was a huge painting of Lily in the living room.
It felt like the eyes were following her.
It felt strange being in their home, knowing how she and Lily felt about each other.
Well, how she felt about Lily.
Lily had Sonny, so maybe she didn't think anything about Brenda.
She always acted like she won something.
And maybe to her she had.
Death
Brenda sighed.
It was just all so sad.
A life wasted.
Sonny saw her looking at the painting.
"I'm going to have to take it down at some point. It hurts every time I look at it. I think it is driving me crazy."
"Only do it, when you are ready."
He nodded. "Brenda, you don't have to do that. I'll get to it at some point, or hire someone when I feel like seeing people."
"It's fine, Sonny. I want to do it."
She sent all of his dirty clothes to the cleaners.
There was a knock at the door.
It was probably the lunch she ordered.
She knew she wasn't supposed to go near the door.
She guess that was Jason's job.
And like clockwork he appeared and took the food from the delivery guy.
He told the guard to tip the guy and closed the door.
He placed the food on the table.
"Jason, there is enough for you, if you would like some."
"Maybe later, thanks."
He disappeared.
Jason never left but he was never around either.
He only appeared if needed.
And that was only when someone came to the door.
She learned fairly quickly that he not only worked for Sonny, he was his right hand man.
She just hoped he stayed safe.
He might not remember their relationship, but she still cared a great deal for him.
Sonny got up and walked over to the table.
They sat down and started eating.
"How long has Jason been working for you?"
"For a while. He came on a little bit after I…I…got married."
"Oh."
"How are you liking Seattle?"
"I love it. I consider it home now."
That seemed to shock him. "You are never returning to Port Charles?"
"I'm sure, I'll visit from time to time."
It's almost like he didn't believe her. "So…you aren't returning?"
"I've kind of built a life there. A life I like."
He nodded and stared at her. "You look great, Brenda. But you always do. When you came…yesterday, Jason said the pretty one is here."
He smiled for the first time.
Brenda thought he looked strange smiling.
His eyes were full of hurt.
He continued. "I knew he was talking about you. I'm happy you came, Brenda. I know I said you shouldn't be here, but I'm happy you came."
"Sonny, if you don't want to answer you don't have to. Are you safe?"
He nodded. "I'm fine, Brenda. And so are you. You don't have to worry about being here."
"I wasn't worried. I don't think you would have let me in here, if there was an issue."
"No, I would not have. Are you working?"
"Yes, just modeling."
"It must pay well, because you look like you grow money in your basement."
She laughed. "I'm doing ok."
She thought about Christian and how good he was to her.
"Still seeing that…guy?"
She nodded.
"Is it serious?"
She sighed "It's…complicated. It seems I am addicted to complicated."
He smiled for the second time.
They continued to make small talk while they finished their lunch.
Brenda spent all day with Sonny.
They didn't spend all day talking.
There were times when he would get quiet.
Real quiet.
She didn't push.
She just sat with him in silence.
She didn't know what to do, other than be there.
It still felt strange being in his and Lily's marital home.
At no point did she ever feel comfortable.
It felt cold.
It was even decorated like a mob house.
There was no warmth at all.
As dysfunctional as the Quartermaines were, their home still felt like a home.
This one didn't…
It's later that night.
Brenda had purchased so much food for lunch, there was still plenty left for dinner.
They are sitting on the sofa having a glass of wine after eating.
Sonny was staring up at the painting as he often did.
"I still can't believe she is dead. I can't believe it. I was there. I saw it. I still can't believe it. It's like a never ending nightmare that keeps playing over and over in my head. I feel so guilty, because all she did was love me. That's all. I feel so guilty, because I was going to leave her, if she wasn't pregnant. I was going to leave her."
"Sonny, none of that matters."
"It's the truth though. I cared a great deal for her. I did."
Brenda got up and sat down on the coffee table in front of him. "I know you did. I'm sure she knew it too."
"I had love for her, but I was never in love with her. I tried but I just couldn't get you out of my head. You were always there. She knew it. I feel so guilty."
"Sonny, stop beating yourself up. Were you good to her? Did you treat her well?"
"I tried to. She knew Brenda. She always knew, it was you. She thought I would grow to love her like I loved you."
He stared into her eyes. "All this guilt…and it is so heavy. The crazy thing is…this guilt hasn't stopped me from wanting you. Loving you. That makes me a horrible human being."
"Sonny, don't say that. We can't help how we feel."
"Don't try to make me feel better, I am a horrible human being."
"No, you are not. Sonny, I…maybe…I made a mistake. I should have stayed away."
"No, I'm happy you came. I needed to see you."
He sat his glass down.
He moved closer.
He grabbed her hand and kissed it.
He placed his hands on her face.
He leaned in but Brenda instantly thought of Christian and pulled away. "Sonny…this is not…I didn't-"
He fell back against the couch and ran his hand down his face. "I'm sorry."
"It's ok."
"I don't blame you, Brenda. I wouldn't want me either."
"Sonny, don't say that. I'm just here…as a…friend."
He nodded. "As a friend. You don't want to be close to the man whose wife got blown to smithereens. I don't blame you. That would be a big turn off for anybody."
"That…is not true."
"Brenda, that has to be in the back of your mind. Anyone would feel that way."
"Sonny, you have to stop beating yourself up."
"My lifestyle caused this. It is the truth. You know it, I know it. She understood the risk, but I didn't protect her."
Tears trickled down his face.
Brenda reached over and wiped them away…
Brenda has finally made it back to the Quartermaine mansion.
Lois was in the great room looking over something for L .
Brenda sat down next to her. "Are you working hard?"
"Not really."
"Lois, I never thanked you for taking over my part at L after I left town."
"It was no problem. So, how is Sonny?"
She kicked off her shoes. "Guilt ridden. It will take some time, but Sonny will be ok."
"Yeah. Brenda, what are your plans?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you staying or…are you going back to Seattle?"
"Why would you think I would be staying? Because of Sonny?"
Lois nodded. "I know how much you loved him."
Brenda sighed. "No, I'm not staying. I'm going back to Seattle. Lois, Sonny and I are done. It's crazy because we have been done since I wore that wire. I just didn't want to accept it. I mean he married someone else. I feel terrible about what happened to Lily, but I'm happy it wasn't me. Is that mean?"
"Absolutely not. I feel terrible too, but I'm happy it wasn't you either."
Tears filled their eyes.
Lois sat her papers down on the coffee table and they embraced.
They just held each other and cried.
They both knew that could have easily been her.
Eventually, they released each other.
"So, when are you going back?"
"Tomorrow morning. I need to get back. I'm not going back to see Sonny. I don't think I'm helping."
Lois grinned. "So you are going back to Christian?"
Brenda smiled. "Yeah."
Lois bumped Brenda's shoulder with hers. "Something has changed. I can see it all over your face. Are you…in love?"
"Lois, it is so complicated."
"Is he in the mob?"
"No."
Lois moved her hair behind her ears. "It's not that complicated."
They both laughed.
Brenda leaned back against the sofa. "I haven't even told him, Lois. I'm so afraid."
"Why?"
"Because that is not something he really believes in. He was upfront from the very beginning about what he wanted and what he didn't want."
"Brenda, I don't care what he says. That man treats you very well. He spent the holidays with you, instead of his family. A family that you said he is close to. He really cares for you."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean it's love."
"Look, just be honest. It will eat you alive if you aren't. At least you know what it is and what it isn't."
"To be honest, Lois, I didn't even realize it until tonight. When I was over at Sonny's, he tried to kiss me."
"That doesn't shock me. He still loves you."
"I know, but I don't feel the same way. I just had a hard time accepting that it was over. I just wouldn't let myself move on."
"Did I hear you correctly, you don't love Sonny anymore?"
"Yeah, I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him anymore. I think I've felt that way for a while, I was just trying to hang on to the past. I just did not want to let it go. Even when he was going to leave Lily, that was me trying to hang on. We were over. Watching him recite those vows in that church was the nail in the coffin. It would not have ever worked out. There was no way I was going to forget that. Yes, Lily is gone, but I don't want to replace her. Also being at his place further cemented how I feel. I don't want that life. I don't want to be dodging bullets. I want kids one day. I don't want that for my kids."
"I'm so proud of you."
"I'm proud of me too."
At that moment Edward walked in. "Just the person I wanted to see. Listen, young lady, I want you to hop on a flight and go back to Seattle. That thug Sonny will be just fine. I don't want your body parts sprayed all over Port Charles like his dead wife's. You get away from here. Do you understand? "
"I'm leaving in the morning."
"Well…good. We'll miss you…but we would rather have you alive. And finally…someone takes my advice. Good night."
Brenda grinned. "Good night, Edward."
He left.
Brenda and Lois looked at each other and burst into laughter…
Brenda stopped by Kelly's on the way to the airport.
Ruby smiled. "You are leaving as quickly as you came."
"Yeah, I need to get back to my life."
Ruby grabbed her hand. "I'm happy. Nothing here for you. I was worried you were going to get sucked back in."
"No, Ruby."
Ruby poured her a cup of coffee.
"I'd like to buy that."
Brenda turned.
A blonde blue eyed good looking guy was standing there.
He flashed a perfect smile. "Hello beautiful."
And he had an Australian accent.
Brenda smiled. "Hi."
His eyes roamed over her. "I've never seen you before. Where did you come from?"
"Out of the sky."
"I believe you. Straight from heaven."
She laughed. "Of course, I'm kidding. I…used to live here, but I don't anymore."
"You should reconsider or maybe I should relocate to wherever you are?"
She laughed. "You might not even like it."
"If you are there I'm going to love it. I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself, I'm Jasper Jax."
"Brenda Barrett."
"I've heard that name before."
Ruby interrupted. "Lois's best friend, Jax."
"Oh yeah, the B in L ."
"You know Lois?"
"I used to be interested in her."
Brenda frowned. "She is married."
"I know."
"When did that interest end?"
He looked at his watch. "About two minutes ago."
Ruby shook her head and walked off.
Brenda laughed. "Well, thanks for the coffee."
She turned to Ruby who was standing at the other end of the counter. "I'm leaving, Ruby. I'll see you next time."
Ruby waved. "Take care, Brenda. And I'm so proud of you."
"Thanks."
Jax was still staring at her. "I'm proud of you too."
Brenda laughed. "For what?"
"Looking the way you do."
She smiled. "Nice to meet you, Jasper. Take care."
His eyes followed her.
Ruby walked to his side of the counter. "Is there something else you want, besides Brenda?"
Jax turned and laughed. "I think that's all I want. She is stunning."
"She is, now what do you want from the menu?"
Brenda made it to Seattle around five that Friday evening.
It was the longest flight.
She didn't go to her condo, she went straight to Christian's.
She didn't see him on the way to her room.
She assumed he was still at Grey Enterprises.
She showered and got in bed.
She was so tired and emotionally drained.
It felt so good to be back in Seattle.
Port Charles was heavy and dark.
She snuggled up under the covers.
Her bed felt so good.
Within minutes she was asleep…
Christian wrapped up for the day and went into the kitchen.
He grabbed a bottle of water, guzzled it down, and made his way to his room.
He walked past Brenda's room.
He stopped and turned.
He opened the door.
She was in bed asleep.
He wasn't expecting her back this soon.
He walked over and sat down on the bed.
She moved and opened her eyes.
She smiled. "Hi."
He stroked her hair. "Hi. I had no idea you were back."
"I told you I wouldn't be long."
She sat up and hugged him.
He kissed her neck. "You smell good."
"Brenda, I need to ask you something."
She looked up into his eyes. "Ok?"
"Did he touch you?"
This was so Christian.
He was always upfront.
No beating around the bush.
"In what way, Christian?"
"Anyway."
"Yes, but not in a sexual way. I hugged him when he got emotional."
"Did he kiss you?"
"No."
"I'm sure he tried to."
"Yes, but I pulled away. He only tried once, Christian. I wasn't interested."
He nodded.
"Do you believe me?"
"Yes, I don't think you would lie to me. Are you still in love with him?"
"You are just getting straight to it, Grey."
"Is there any other way?"
"Christian, I am not in love with him anymore."
"What made you come to that conclusion?"
"I felt it. I think I was just holding onto the past. We have been over. Is there anything else you would like to know?"
He shook his head. "I guess I don't have a right to question you."
"I like that you want to know. It shows you care."
"You already know that."
She ran her hand up the back of his neck, leaned over, and kissed him deeply.
It was a quick passionate kiss.
She looked into his eyes. "I only want to be kissed by you. Are you too tired from work?"
"Too tired for what?"
She kissed him again. "Me."
"Never."
He stood up and started undressing…..
Brenda is lying in his arms and staring at him.
"What?"
"I'm just happy to see you." She giggled. "Why are we acting like I've been gone forever. It hasn't even been two full days."
"We are addicted to each other."
"I think so, it's more than that for me though. Christian, I wish I didn't have this overwhelming urge to be honest with you, at least not this time, because of what it might mean. I need to talk to you about something. This could change things between us, but I have to tell you, because I can't be fake with you."
"Ok, what is it?"
Her heart was beating so fast.
"Are you leaving Seattle or something?"
"No, Christian."
"Well, what?"
"I'm so nervous and you aren't making it any better."
"Brenda, just say it."
She sat up and looked down at him. "I um….I…" She took a deep breath and blew it out. "I know this is probably going to be the nail in our coffin, because you have never lied to me about how you felt…especially about certain things. I have to be honest, because I just have to be. See, the thing is…I have…I have developed real feelings for you. You might not be all hearts, flowers, and candy, but you do so much so well. No one has treated me as well as you have. No one has been as honest with me as you have. No one has cared about my future as much as you have. You have been good to me and for me. And it's your fault I have feelings for you because you shouldn't be so great. That's what I had to tell you. How…do you feel about that?"
He nodded. "Well, I have to be honest with you too. I have actually been rethinking our arrangement."
"You have?"
"Yes, I don't think it is working anymore."
She nodded. "Oh, OK…I understand."
Her head dropped.
She couldn't even hide her disappointment.
Christian ran his hand down her back. "I have a new proposition for you."
She looked up. "A new proposition?"
"Yes, I never had a girlfriend before."
"I…know."
"I was wondering if you wanted to be my girlfriend?"
She smiled. "Are you for real?"
"Yes, I'm for real. I not only want you to move in, but I want you to move into my room. How do you feel about that?"
"I'm fine with that, but are you sure?"
"I'm positive. You didn't answer the question. So, are you going to be my girl?"
She giggled. "I just told you I have feelings for you, what do you think?"
"Come here."
She leaned down and he kissed her.
"I missed you."
"I missed you too. So, me telling you that I have feelings for you didn't scare you away?"
"Nope."
"You do know that means I'm attached to you right? You made it a point to tell me you cut off submissives when they get attached."
"It balances out when I'm attached too."
"So, you are attached too?"
"I am."
"We have a dilemma, Grey."
"Brenda, you said you have feelings for me and I really feel a way about you too. I can't explain it. I have never been in love, so I don't know what that feels like. I know I love waking up with you, I realized that in Aspen. I love spending time with you, it's been that way since the beginning. We have fun together. I think you are fucking hilarious. I feel comfortable talking to you. I trust you. What's crazy is…your happiness is important to me. When you are happy, I'm happy. I just love seeing you smile. I also want the best for you. I want you to have everything you want in life. When you are away I feel like something is missing. I love having you by my side. I love having your hand in mine. The guy who didn't hold hands, how funny is that shit? And wherever I go, I want you to go with me. Brenda, I've never had a girlfriend, I don't even know how to be a boyfriend. I have no idea how this is going to go. I just know that arrangement wasn't going to work anymore. We are more than that. I knew you were different from the very beginning. I tried to keep things the way I always have, but I found myself wanting to do things with you that I've never wanted to do with anybody. I spent the holidays with you, that should tell you all you need to know. You are important to me."
She teared up. "You treat me like I'm important to you. Do you feel like you are as important to me? Because you are."
"I know."
"And Christian, I enjoy my time with you too. I always have. I love our talks. I didn't expect to fall for you. I'm not even sure when it started happening…honestly I couldn't tell you…at all…but…I've fallen."
He intertwined his fingers with hers.
Brenda grinned. "Who would have guessed that we would end up developing feelings for each other? And we were not even looking for any of that. That's how things happen. The best things."
"This really is the best thing, Baby."
He flipped her over onto her back and kissed her.
He moved her legs apart with his and settled in between her thighs.
He reached down and joined their bodies.
She closed her eyes and exhaled.
"Open your eyes. I want you to look at me, while I'm buried deep in you."
She opened her eyes and stared into his.
She felt so vulnerable like he could read her thoughts.
He rocked in and out of her while burning a hole into her soul.
She felt so exposed and vulnerable.
This man was the owner of her heart and everything else.
She had never been so affected by a human being before.
And it snuck up on her.
This was unlike anything she had ever felt.
She think it started the moment she laid eyes on him.
After his initial proposal, she should have been turned off, but something made her go sit down at his table that night.
She never regretted that decision.
She was always attracted to him but who wouldn't be?
He was gorgeous.
But then she started getting to know the person.
He was so smart, driven, giving, funny, and thoughtful.
And no one had ever treated her better.
He was so complicated and she knew there was so much to still learn about him.
She was looking forward to that journey.
He had no idea how deep her feelings ran.
She wasn't completely honest about that.
She told him that she had feelings for him, but it was deeper than that.
She loved him.
A tear fell from her eyes.
He leaned down and wrapped his tongue around hers….