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Chapter 34

Clearance

Bella

As my senses slowly tinglingly transmitted to me that I was awake, I initially still felt my normal sleepyness, as I do every morning. But as my hand reached out gropingly as always and grasped at nothing, a wave of realization and loneliness crashed over me.

How long had it been since I woke up without Edward by my side? I would face him soon. No matter how great the inhibitions and shame, the longing for him ... his tender touches, strong arms, incomparable scent ... was greater. Immediately after breakfast I would call him ... He had certainly waited impatiently all night - contrary to his claim. I didn't even want to imagine what it must be like to not be able to sleep and thus not be able to find rest and mental relaxation. I probably would have gone insane or depressed ... At the thought of what I had been busy with last night, the blood immediately rushed to my cheeks. But I was relieved all the same. In fact, I had overcome myself and dared to try almost everything that Alice had put more or less directly into my ear.

Lost in thought, I slowly peeled myself out of my covers and stood up.

But somehow ... I was not quite at peace with myself. It was one thing to understand Alice's explanations and to find them correct. It was quite another, however, to carry them out with conviction and to act consistently according to them. I still found it strange to touch myself or even to want to satisfy myself, when I had a boyfriend ... As whose task I basically considered that. Was that a guilty conscience? It almost felt like that. But actually it was my body, and it was none of his business! But why did I feel such a strange urge to have to confess this to him? As if he had a right to know about it ... It was strange. But one thing I was sure of - I would never be able to tell him about it ... Well ... maybe in a hundred years. But we had already brought up the subject once and he was surprised that I was still completely clueless in this respect. So he probably had nothing against it in principle ... What could he have against it?

Meanwhile arrived in the bathroom, I examined my reflection complete with reddened cheeks in the mirror.

I could not understand what my favorite vampire always found in this. The reason for the excessive blood flow made me sigh, close my eyes and shake my head. Just not thinking about it anymore, pushing it far away and focusing on my upcoming encounter. I hadn't seen him, smelled him, heard him, felt him ... tasted him for practically a complete day. Everything in me was consuming for him. As I saw his beautiful face, marred by that last worried expression, in my mind, I was suddenly in a hurry to finish up and call Edward.

It was already relatively late. I had slept longer than usual, and Charlie had already left for work.

After frantically stumbling back and forth in front of my closet and putting on the next best clothes, I thought about when to call him and then ran to the kitchen.

While getting a bowl from the overhead cabinet, I picked up my 'emergency' cell phone and looked for the number stored in it.

I couldn't wait any longer - at least I wanted to hear him already.

I had barely pressed the dial button and the first ring tone was just starting when he already picked up.

"Bella?!"

Already the sound of his honey-velvet voice gave me a pleasant shiver.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, Edward." His typical worry and subsequent relieved sigh made me smile. "I'm grabbing a quick bite to eat now and then can pick you up if you're up for a ride. I think our clearing would be beautiful."

The sun was shining through a thin layer of veil clouds and up there it would definitely be glorious today.

"I'd love to," he replied calmly, but a slamming car door and the roar of an engine puzzled me a bit. "Alice has already prepared everything, she also packed you quite a few things for brunch. If you're not too hungry ... don't bother - I'll be right with you!"

And I thought Alice and her brother were not related in the flesh. I had never seen him so rushed and excited.

"Edward ...", I wanted to contradict.

I paused, however, when I realized that I would have no chance whatsoever of stopping him. Even though I felt a little left out, I couldn't blame him. On the other hand, I almost felt a little guilty that I had forced him to stay away from me for so long.

"Yes? What is it?" he dug deeper.

"See you soon. I'm looking forward!", so I gave in.

"See you in a minute. Me too!", he replied.

His broad grin was clearly audible.

By the time I hung up, I had a joyfully churning tingle in my stomach, so I wouldn't be able to down anything anyway. So I put the cereal bowl back, leaned against the countertop, and brushed the tickling strands out of my face with a dopey grin.

I would see him again in a moment. In a moment he would stand in front of me and ... And suddenly my head was swept clean, and I no longer knew what I wanted to say to him ... How would he react?

I bit my lower lip and the joyful anticipation I had just felt turned into uncertain excitement.

Nervously, I looked around for any distraction that might tide me over during the wait, but Charlie's breakfast dishes were washed, dried, and cleaned up far too quickly. A note to my father about where I was, done just as quickly - though I wrote extra neatly. And the half glass of orange juice didn't exactly manage to calm my excited tummy feelings - rather the opposite.

Annoyed I clamped for the umpteenth time my slippery - trimmed by the cure to high gloss - hair behind my ear.

I ran back upstairs to the bathroom to look for a hair tie and there I also had the glorious idea to brush my teeth.

Back in my room, I was just slipping on my sneakers when I heard a squealing brake and not a blink later a knock on the windowpane.

I had to smirk.

Someone was in a hurry when he couldn't even ring the doorbell downstairs and wait for me.

I straightened up and caught sight of Edward with a wry grin, squatting folded on the windowsill.

How could he keep his balance in that position?

Shaking my head, I walked up to him, opened the sash, and took two steps back to give him enough room.

"Heard you up here," he murmured apologetically, sliding in as smoothly as ever, but hesitantly stopping a yard in front of me.

His somewhat embarrassed cautious look was soft and loving, but the palpable expectation embraced me. It crawled up me and forced itself wildly rampant into my innermost being. The awareness that I should make the first move built up an uncomfortable pressure inside me.

An oppressive tension spread through the room. My heart was pounding up to my throat.

"I'm sorry," I finally blurted out - at the same moment Edward said the same thing.

We both had to smile at that.

"Can we talk later?" I added meekly and looked up at him with my head bowed in embarrassment.

I had to get out of this atmosphere.

"Okay, no problem," he agreed, and I bridged the last step - unable to maintain the distance any longer - wrapping my arms around him and pressing my nose to his chest, sucking in deeply my favorite scent.

He hugged me tightly and buried his face in my hair.

I felt his lips on my head and a shaky sigh escaped my throat as he whispered, "God, I missed you so much!"

Had the weight of the unspoken not been on me, I could have just stood there forever ... Or not. Because my stomach soon complained about the delayed food supply and Edward detached himself from me a bit.

Tenderly he embraced my face and looked into my eyes.

Relief literally radiated from him.

"I'm so glad to see you - to hold you in my arms - to have you with me again," he whispered, kissing me on the forehead. "Let's see you get to your breakfast," he winked as he gently stroked my cheek.

After he had locked the window, he held out his hand to me, which I took only too gladly.

The short ride to the beginning of the path was somehow strange.

His mere presence felt so good and reassuring and right that soon I no longer knew what my problem had actually been. His ensnaring scent, which filled me more and more, was certainly not entirely innocent of that either. Just like his cool fingers, which gently stroked over mine again and again. But of course I knew that we had to talk things out, that I owed him an explanation and had to ask for forgiveness - even if I preferred to enjoy the peaceful moment and pushed the mood-dampening necessity of it further away from me. It would not vanish into thin air, but only burst forth again at the next inopportune opportunity.

When Edward pulled a picturesque picnic basket out of the trunk, I rolled my eyes.

Alice. Why did the Cullens need one of those? A backpack would have done the job and would have been more convenient to carry.

But my beloved secured me with one hand on his back and carried in the other the basket and a blanket, inconveniently stretched a little away from him, so as not to be hindered while running.

At least that's how it seemed to me ... As ridiculous as it looked. Surely he could have carried another whole household. I reveled in the close physical contact and admired the palpable, incredibly frenzied play of his muscles.

The clearing shone in all its splendor. It smelled of summer and nature. The grass was tall, the various flowers stretched their colorful blossoms towards the sun, which was now already quite warm.

I was almost surprised that Alice hadn't saddled her brother with two lounge chairs, side table and umbrella.

"Bella?"

Edward's voice drew my attention from my absorbed contemplation back to him and abruptly absorbed it.

Actually, I should be prepared for the sight, but the glitter and sparkle of his skin always took my breath away. My memory wandered back to that day over a year ago when, tense, he first revealed himself to me in this way and allowed my first exploratory touches.

"Would you like something to eat?", he pointed with an inviting gesture to the already spread blanket with the most diverse delicacies.

"Yeah, I guess I should," I muttered, his radiant appearance making me rather hungry for something else.

So I went over to him, and we settled down together.

Absorbed in my reflections, I reached for a sandwich, took a bite, and chewed unconsciously to myself.

How much had happened in the meantime? A lot had changed. At that time it had almost overwhelmed him to allow excessive closeness and skin contact and then the first kiss after the way back... A smirk overtook me at the thought of my unrestrained assault after his cautious approach. But it had also been an unexpectedly exhilarating and animating feeling to finally be kissed - to be kissed by him. To feel his lips on mine ...

"What are you thinking about?", Edward asked quietly.

He had lain down on his side behind me and was watching me. Tenderly he stroke a strand that had come loose back behind my ear. The familiar tingling announced itself at his tender touch.

"To this clearing - what we experienced together here, how it all began ..."

Briefly, I looked into his eyes, somewhat embarrassed, my gaze flickering involuntarily to his lips - to the actual object of my last memory.

But these warped rather unpleasantly touched, which made me frown questioningly.

"That day I really behaved impossibly," he revealed to me his thought process, which of course went in a completely different direction than mine.

But I had to laugh.

"How you broke off that giant branch and threw it around! You really tried a lot of things to make me flee ... unsuccessfully."

I leaned against him, and he straightened up a bit to give me more support.

He joined in my amusement.

"To all appearances, these efforts have already been considerably held in check by my selfish side. But you are also incorrigibly persistent!" My attention was taken by a breathtaking crooked smile. "And now - finally – you'll actually become my wife."

All his love and pride spoke from these words and the tender caress across my cheek to my chin.

"To speak of your stubbornness ...", I whispered before my eyelids lowered.

Edward's cool sweet breath was far too intense, brushing over my skin and making it tremble ...

How had he gotten so close to me? Or I to him?

A relieved gasp revealed all my pent-up longing when his smooth firm lips met mine. These did not allow his hesitant pause to continue by immediately nestling against his curved contour, pressing against him and greedily accommodating his gentle movements.

The promising tingle, which evoked desire for so much more, did not want to set in. It was held back by remorseful trepidation, a warning oppressive admonition that I still had something to do, that I still owed him something.

I placed my hand over his and the gentle grip on my cheek that held me in place loosened and our intertwined fingers sank into my lap.

This time my unrestrained sighing expressed these completely different emotions.

The thing stood between us - inevitable - and it would not get easier - there would be no easier moment. I felt so connected to him - only this shameful torment separated me from him. All I had to do was speak it out loud - loosen my tongue that was so heavy in my mouth. Why was this too difficult?

"Edward," I croaked softly, still leaning against his forehead with my eyes closed. "I'm sorry mm ..."

And already my lips were gently - but firmly - locked by a hard cold.

"Bella, there's nothing to apologize for."

But now I was determined, shook my head and clasped his fingers, which he reluctantly let pull away.

"Yes, I do. I know that I hurt you with it ... When I closed myself from you ... Several times ... And I am really sincerely sorry! I didn't mean to ... In fact, anything but that ... But I didn't know how to help myself ... And by the time I realized it, it was already too late," I stammered to myself as I looked down at our hands and ultimately up at him.

His thumb tenderly stroked my knuckles.

"I hold no grudge against you, Bella! But if it makes you feel better, then you are forgiven. Now please stop blaming yourself! There's no need for that if you'll just promise me not to do it again."

The sincerity and compassion in his eyes and words actually lifted an immense burden from my heart. Even if that was far from being all on the list to be completed, the item had been the greatest need for me ... The others could quietly wait a little longer.

"Promise!"

The softening tension made me sink against him and his arms wrapped around me, his lips brushing my temples.

"I do love you."

"I love you too."

It felt so good to say the words - secure against his strong male body.

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