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Chapter 30

Crisis

Bella

"Bella? Are you all right? Did I hurt you?" Edward immediately expressed his concern for me.

The shock hung clearly in his voice.

I groaned softly.

Frustration spread through me ... And shame ... And ...

"No, I mean yes ... no ..."

I shook my head and now hid my features after all.

I understood nothing at all more ... Had no clue why this had seemed so strange to me ... I probably would have had no problem with me sitting astride him just continuing to rub against him ... Or from me also vice versa ... Was that so different than his fingers down there between my legs?

"What's the matter, honey? Did I do something wrong?"

His burdening self-doubt was clearly audible ... But I wanted to hear nothing at all. I wanted to be alone, to crawl away and maybe cry a little, to feel sorry for myself and, above all, to understand myself first ... I felt so stupid. What could I say? I had no idea what was wrong with me, why I had reacted so strangely and why I had ruined everything. Edward was not to blame at all, and in addition, I had snubbed him and thus offended him.

His cool fingers on mine, trying to get through to me, and his pleading, however, only made me feel worse and actually drove the moisture into my eyes.

"I'm sorry for whatever I did. Please, Bella! What's wrong with you? Talk to me!"

'Oh, just leave me alone!' That would have been the most honest thing to say. But by doing so, I would undoubtedly only hurt him more. I was so confused that I didn't know what to think anymore, let alone what to do.

I tried to pull myself together and at least say something to him - preferably without sobbing - to calm him down.

"I ... I don't know," I mumbled choppily into my hands, shaking my head and turning to the other side after all.

I simply couldn't bear to be confronted like that anymore. I realized too late that I was probably hurting him just as much with that, but I just couldn't help it. And at all costs I wanted to avoid that he saw my tears ... If only possible ... He would just interpret them completely wrong. Our failed fellatio attempt flashed through my mind. Had my subconscious gone to more respect distance than I wanted to admit to myself? But after that, I hadn't felt as uncomfortable and confused as I do now. What should I have been afraid of? What could have put me in serious danger in this situation? I couldn't think of anything ... Except Edward himself ... out of control. But that definitely could not be it. I trusted him completely on that point ... Or didn't I? My God ... I didn't know anything anymore.

After a moment's hesitation, he stroked my upper arm and murmured, "I'm so incredibly sorry ... Is there anything I can do?"

Oh God, it was all my fault. How could he be blamed for me being so uptight?

I thought about it feverishly ...

I should at least give him the feeling that he was not helpless.

"Just hold me," I finally gave him the opportunity to do something.

Instantly he was very close, put his arm around me and felt for my hand.

It was the right decision - it felt good.

Gratefully I squeezed his fingers.

Strangely enough, I didn't mind at all to lie here naked with him now ... I felt safe. The immediate pressure and expectations had disappeared ... I was almost comfortable, if I hadn't been tormented by remorseful thoughts about why I had reacted that way and how it could have gone so terribly wrong. And most importantly, how was I supposed to deal with it now? What did it mean? How was I supposed to change anything about it when I wasn't clear to myself what exactly had caused it? What was going to happen in the future? And Edward. What conclusions would he draw from this and how would he handle it? How could I possibly make it up to him?

His lips on my hair and his words made me sigh.

"I love you, Bella ... You are everything to me!"

What had I done to deserve him?

Then he started humming my lullaby and although I had the impression that it sounded a bit more melancholy today, I slowly slumbered away into the land of restless dreams.

Half asleep, I still registered how I began to shiver, whereupon he wrapped me tightly in the blanket and then hugged me again.

Edward

What a night.

Had I ever been so frustrated and at a loss in my long existence? I had not the faintest idea what exactly had happened. Not only had I once again failed to give her what I thought I was finally ready for. No, Bella was completely distraught and wouldn't talk to me. Her thoughts, as always, told me nothing except mocking silence ...

She had not even let me read her facial expressions. Had I misjudged her that much? Or had I missed something? Had I proceeded too quickly, too recklessly? Of course I had noticed her tension and had put it down to all sorts of things, like excitement, inexperience ... I don't know what else ... But never in my life would I have thought that she didn't like it ... That she didn't want it. Then why hadn't she said anything?

I felt so helpless and simply incapable. What kind of humble lover was I, if I - with all my superhuman senses - could not interpret her reactions and wishes correctly?! I myself had been more than agitated to actually dare this step finally and had to keep my desire tremendously in check, to restrain my inquisitiveness, in order not to devour Bella unrestrainedly with my eyes, when she lay before me completely undressed for the first time in our togetherness. Just the idea of it nearly drove me out of my mind - not to mention my intention for tonight. It was quite possible that I was missing something as I felt her soft curls under my fingertips, diving further and further into her moist heat ... It was just too intoxicating for that ... Those pulsing lips as they embraced me ... I couldn't stop myself from exploring every micron in detail, memorizing it ... It was so different from anything else about her or even that I had ever felt. Not nearly like I had imagined. Her hymen was 'normal' ring-shaped, somewhat stretchy, and not particularly thick. Whether it would be one of the twenty-three percent that actually tore and bled the first time, of course, I couldn't predict - not exactly a relief to me - but at least I now knew theoretically what I was up against.

And I didn't get much further than that. Her reflex was clear. She denied me access. Had I been too pushy? Had I frightened her? What had I done wrong? She was so aloof, and it almost broke my heart when she turned away from me. I wanted to help her, to comfort her ... to understand her and be there for her. But I didn't know if she even wanted that - what she needed right now. I was afraid of doing more wrong ... and breaking more.

I was so infinitely glad when Bella wanted to be held by me. For a moment I was afraid she would turn away from me completely, shut herself off ... And leave me helpless. I would have gone mad with worry. So I could at least be sure that I had not destroyed everything and wandered the whole night only endlessly confused thought labyrinths.

Dead end after dead end.

What was the use of all my plans and considerations, if I could no longer be sure of the one constant I had so far ... That Bella was ready - that she wanted it. Would she now waive her condition after all - which had seemed less and less insane to me in recent days?

But as much appeal as the thought seemed to promise at first glance, the longer I thought about it ... The expected relief just wouldn't happen. It was long too late to withdraw from the agreement myself - after all that Bella had already endured for the wedding. Just as I didn't want her to back down from her demand, I wouldn't back down from mine. But how was I ever going to touch her intimately again with a clear conscience?

Thus unsettled, I abandoned any further theoretical approach, only to start again at the same point after futile diversionary maneuvers.

Under these conditions, how was I supposed to come up with something to work constructively on her self-confidence? How was I supposed to present my variations to Alice when suddenly everything was in question? Would it make any sense at all to get myself the appropriate surgical utensils and materials and to make myself a hymen model for more detailed examinations and experiments? I could no longer understand what was going on. When was the last time I had been so confused?

Again and again I let what had happened pass before my inner eye.

Analyzed, interpreted ... And didn't really get any smarter - only came to the one conclusion. I had gone too far. I should have stopped when Bella did not show any relaxation.

Outside it was already dawning and my beloved was meanwhile lying peacefully and relaxed under her comforter. She had dissolved her huddled averted fetal position and turned onto her back again. Her long dark curls framed her beautiful face in a disheveled manner. Under the bluish lids I perceived a slight twitch, she smacked softly, and a bare arm snaked out to feel for me, exposing her shoulder. She snuggled against my side, her warm hand found my belly, stroked it briefly and a few breaths later it went limp and heavy again.

It was always adorable to watch her sleeping - I could sink into that sight. But I had to constantly pull myself together not to touch her and accidentally wake her up - the temptation was too great. I didn't want to disturb her well-deserved night's rest, even though I had learned to enjoy the subsequent cuddles in the meantime. But today I was dreading her awakening. I had so hoped her subconscious would give me a clue through her dreams. But the little she spoke told me nothing - she babbled about a little boy, Professor Dr. Super-Nose, and headlamps, which made no sense to me at all. I dreaded the onset of memory and how she would act on it. I prayed that she would listen to me, accept my apology and forgive me.

And as it turned out, this fear was not unfounded.

The disastrous night was followed by an equally disastrous day.

A little later than usual, Bella began to stir.

Charlie had already gotten up.

She stretched her limbs groaning into herself and groped for my face. With her fingers against my cheek, her mouth twisted into a slight smile and her long eyelashes began to flutter. Her eyelids lifted and our eyes met.

But as if I had anticipated it, I could almost watch as her brain cells went to work, realization clouding her beautiful countenance, and she froze. My worried, lurking expression had certainly not been beneficial. Her lips, so full and invitingly soft just then about to stretch towards me for a 'good morning' kiss, pressed together into a thin hard line, her eyes closed again and with furrowed brows the warmth disappeared from my body, which remained lost and contracted painfully.

She was about to get up when she realized at the last moment that she had nothing on.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she protectively gathered the blanket around her.

Half a second later I knelt behind her, put the bathrobe over her shoulders and helped her in. In the process, I dared to make the first advance.

"Bella? I am so infinitely sorry. It was not my intention to press you. Can you forgive me?"

Dejectedly, she shook her tousled hair.

Abruptly and irrationally, my heart sank from this simple, enunciative gesture.

My stroking hand faltered on her upper arm.

"Please, Bella. I didn't mean to ...", I started, but didn't get far, because she interrupted me dejectedly.

"There's nothing to apologize for. After all, I am ..."

Her voice failed and she put her hands in front of her face - shutting herself off.

A tiny breath of relief flowed through me at her words and eased the pain, but at the same time complete incomprehension broke out in me.

"What's the matter? ", I asked helplessly and again got only a shake of the head. "Please talk to me, explain it to me," I asked urgently.

"Edward ... I'm sorry ... I ... I can't ... Not now ..." she stammered, and I didn't know how to help myself at all.

What was I supposed to do? Could I do anything at all?

While I was still thinking about this, I heard a Porsche I knew approaching and turning into the driveway.

'Edward! Leave it to me! She just needs some rest and time to herself. I'll move the hair rehearsal here. You go home and pack your special arrangements. I'll take care of the rest. I've already arranged for matching suitcases for your honeymoon. You can save the eye rolling and moaning. Luggage is my business, and I just couldn't pass up the perfect offer', sounded the overlapping thoughts of my lively sister, while the car door was slammed shut and within a few seconds I became transmitted a list of packing lists, which I had to keep my hands off.

My gaze slid agonizedly over the huddled figure of my fiancée, whom I obviously could not help at the moment.

It hurt. But in one respect I trusted Alice ... She cared as much about Bella as I did, and if anyone was capable of distracting her, it was surely Alice. After the last few weeks, I even had hope that she would approach Bella with the proper consideration.

"Alice is coming and wants to try out the hairstyles," I informed her dejectedly.

'Edward, I'm distracting Charlie now, the coast is clear ... And try not to rack your pretty head, you two will get through it!'

And the bell rang.

I stroked my great love's back again, sighing, before rising and walking to the window. Automatically I checked the surroundings, waited until the front door slammed into the lock and Alice gave me a signal that she was out of sight with Chief Swan.

Not even when I said 'I love you' to say goodbye did Bella move.

Resigned, I disappeared from their home into the forest and ran ...

First not home but to the mountains ...

The old route of that time when I did not know what to do about my unknown 'la tua cantante' who had so abruptly entered my existence. At that time we had just met and now everything had changed. So many things had happened that I had never thought possible - beautiful as well as terrible - and yet I felt similarly thrown off course.

Running had often served me well, and so it did today. The longed-for distraction was not long in coming.

As if by themselves, my senses aligned - the feeling of the vibrating earth under my feet, the humid morning air on my skin ... The manifold sounds and smells filled me up for a while and granted my strained mind a soothing breather, which promptly ended with the braking in front of our garage.

Thank you for reading!