Chapter nine: Love in the Making

Darcy stood by himself near the window in the drawing room, with a brandy in his hand. He kept gazing towards the garden silently. The Bingleys and the Hursts who were within the same room as him would probably be bewildered to learn that Darcy only kept a stoic and demure outside appearance. None of them would ever guess that an inner battle was waged inside his heart and his mind.

Darcy's mind was swirling with different thoughts he was unable to push away any longer. He was pondering upon Caroline's condescending remarks towards Miss Bennet, not just once, but twice that day. She kept insisting that Elizabeth went irrevocably mad. Darcy was annoyed that Elizabeth should be the subject of ridicule, simply because she possessed angelic compassion Caroline Bingley would never be able to comprehend. The latter's endless tirade kept echoing in his ear. He remembered angrily how she declared Elizabeth 'a deranged rabid animal'. Surely, even for Caroline, this was inexcusable. Her scornful derision of Elizabeth simply grated on his nerves.

What he saw of Elizabeth today was nothing but a pure display of affection and devotion to her kin. Anyone would do that. Well, probably not everyone. Elizabeth certainly went beyond his wildest expectations in her devotion to her sister. Despite her memory loss, she crossed five miles in the mud and the cold, just to tend to Jane. Darcy perceived this as an admirable feat, which can only add to her inherent charm.

Moreover, Darcy could not help but wonder at Caroline's account of Elizabeth's odd requests. He wondered whether she learned them somewhere before, and, after her fall, she happened to remember these practices instinctively. He had to admit that there was a quiet logic he did not fully understand behind her methods. Why should the emphasis on cleanliness and breathing in fresh air be considered as utterly erratic?

However, this was not Darcy's battle. He did not know that he was already pre-disposed to favor Elizabeth's opinions. His battle went beyond disapproving of Caroline's sneer towards her. In fact, he was conflicted on whether he should go inquire after Jane Bennet's health. He turned his gaze to the room, and saw Bingley pacing the room anxiously, uncapable of doing anything else but thinking about Jane's recovery. He was almost beside himself with worry, and he was clearly torn between his concern for her, and his awareness of societal etiquettes that imposed on him to act with propriety. Darcy knew that he should visit Jane Bennet, first as another member of the party currently occupying Netherfield where she was a guest, despite being a guest himself, but second and most importantly, he should do it for the sake of his friend.

Yet, he was unable to discern his own emotions regarding Elizabeth. He did not know whether he wants to avoid her, or whether he wants to drop all the rules of propriety and hurries to her, to embrace her and comfort her. The possibility of having a similar reaction to the one he had this morning filled him with dread and enjoyment. It unnerved and excited him at the same time!

This incoherence unsettles me, Darcy thought, his jaw tightening slightly and he resorted to sipping more of his brandy in order to calm his nerves. Darcy disdained weakness, especially in himself. He learned from a very young age that the lives of hundreds of tenants would be some day his responsibility. Shouldering this burden was not tardy either. He came to manage his estate since the first years of his twenties. His father passed away very early after enduring years of grief for the death of his wife, Darcy's mother, leaving Darcy to shoulder this considerable responsibility of managing his estate, and being a guardian to a sister, ten years his junior. Even before his father's passing away, Darcy had assumed the responsibility for Georgiana, as not only a big brother, but also as a father figure, amidst the absence of their father, who locked himself in his wife's room and would only come out rarely, mainly to manage the estate. Conspicuously, Darcy also carried that responsibility, even when his father was alive.

Thus, he had to suppress any shred of weakness within him, and he had to learn how to be self-reliant in order to maintain and preserve his family's well-being and legacy. He was thankful that his extended family always assisted him in his multi-faceted duty, especially the Matlocks and his cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam. Evidently, this is one of the reasons of how he came to perceive family ties as sacred bonds. His thoughts wandered again to Elizabeth, and how her gaze weakens him. He disliked not knowing how he came to be in this situation. What has she done to him? This will not do, he kept thinking.

In vain Darcy struggled. In vain he resisted for hours. Before he knew it, his legs were already crossing Netherfield in the direction of Jane Bennet's room, where Elizabeth was located. His mind was not even able to keep up with his limbs. He barely managed to exchange formalities with his hosts before exiting the drawing room. His heart took control of the reins, and put his mind in a somber sleep. It was pounding with excitement at Elizabeth's proximity, and hence, establishing a beat that got jovial when the door leading to Elizabeth was finally within his sight.

His mind struggled to regain control, attempting to remind him that he was here only to inquire after the health of Jane Bennet, out of a mere obligation, and nothing more. Yet, deep down, Darcy knew, that his intention went beyond duty and encompassed other feelings, even if he did not know or even understand their full extent.

As he knocked softly on the door, the last ounce of his rational thinking exited him. He listened attentively to the sound of footsteps approaching, as he tried to calm the beating of his heart to not scare the lady. The door creaked open, and Elizabeth stood before him. She wore an expression of surprise, as though she never expected to see him here.

"Mr. Darcy," she gasped, then she added. "I did not expect you."

Darcy reminded himself to breathe. The moment he saw her puzzled face, his breath was caught in his throat, and his heart stopped pounding the jovial rhythm and shifted instead into anxious beating. When he finally managed to catch his breath, he became aware that he did not answer her.

"Miss Elizabeth, I came to inquire after Miss Bennet's health. I should have come sooner, but I did not want to overburden her with the presence of many visitors at the same time." He said, his voice more formal than he intended. As soon as he said these words, an unfamiliar feeling of unexplainable dread washed over him. Before giving her the chance to reply, he continued "If Miss Bennet is asleep, I can come back later. I do not want to inconvenience you with my tactlessness."

"Mr. Darcy, please come in. Jane has been sleeping for a long time now. In fact, I was about to wake her this instant to give her the treatment the doctor prescribed. You can converse with her during this time." She said, her expression no longer puzzled, but rather softened.

Darcy thanked her and followed her into the room. His gaze was lingering intently on Elizabeth as she woke her sister carefully, her voice as loud as a whisper. Jane Bennet woke up to see Mr. Darcy hovering over her. She attempted to rise from her bed to greet her visitor, but he stopped her.

"Miss Bennet. Please do not trouble yourself. I came here to inquire after your health. I hope that you feel better than this morning."

"Oh, that is very kind of you Mr. Darcy. I do indeed feel better. Thank you for worrying about me."

"Not at all, Miss Bennet. I did not do anything. If you were to thank anyone, you should thank Miss Elizabeth here, who has been diligently tending to you since this morning."

His eyes flickered to Elizabeth who was blushing at his remark. He saw the color of her cheeks turn into a deeper shade of red as Miss Bennet extended tender expressions of gratitude to her.

"Please Jane, I only did what any sister would do." At this, Elizabeth's cheeks turned crimson. Darcy could not fathom why she would be embarrassed by her statement. Then, realization hit him, and his heart melted for her. She was embarrassed because she did not remember their sisterhood.

She then turned to him, showed him to a chair, and said, "Please sit Mr. Darcy." He obeyed silently. As he sat down in the chair facing Miss Bennet, he had the opportunity to gaze at her more closely. She did indeed seem better. Conspicuously, she was still ill, but it was evident that her condition was not as nocuous as it had been this morning. His eyes then paced the whole room. He observed the damp cloths beside Elizabeth's chair, and the windows, as she had insisted were slightly ajar. He was astonished. Elizabeth's unconventional methods had been indeed effective.

His eyes found their way to her again. She presented to her sister the herbal treatment the doctor prescribed. Afterwards, after giving her a glass of water, she implored her to try and sleep again. Miss Bennet tried to protest, but to no avail. Elizabeth insisted harder, and Jane eventually nodded. She then proceeded to adjusting her sister's blanket, and wishing her a good sleep, and a prompt recovery. Mr. Darcy was deeply moved by this display of genuine affection and compassion. The Bennet sisters were extremely lucky to have each other.

Not wanting to impose on them further, he stood up. He expressed his sincere wishes for Miss Bennet's good health. He was about to take his leave, when Miss Elizabeth said, "Mr. Darcy, there is something that I want to discuss with you. Shall we leave Jane to rest? We can talk outside if you do not mind."

He was dumbfounded. He somehow managed to nod. He saw Jane Bennet observing them with interest, but she did not say anything. His chest tightened. His heart was shaking with anticipation. Dare he hope that she feels for him?

As he followed her to the corridor, he said "Miss Elizabeth, perhaps we should talk in the library?" He was blushing as he said this. He wanted to take back his stupid question. He did not want her to think that he had improper thoughts about her. He only wanted her to be more at ease, seeing how this seemed to take the direction of an intimate conversation. Oh, what will he say to her though? As much as he desired a match between them, he knew that the idea was unfathomable, and it would be vehemently scorned by his relations.

"Yes, that would be better, Mr. Darcy. Please, lead the way" She replied calmly. No matter what his mind felt about this, his heart rejoiced at her reply, which felt like a balm to his soul. He was not aware that he was smiling.

"Go on, Miss Elizabeth, I am all ears." He said, still smiling, after showing her to a chair.

"Well, … Where do I begin?" She said hesitantly. Is this going to be a multilayered confession? He thought fondly. She continued, "First, allow me to thank you."

He was astonished. "Whatever for Miss Elizabeth?"

"For tending to me the night of the fall. And the morning after that. I questioned you severely and even doubted your intentions, but you showed nothing but genuine concern for my condition. For that, I would like to thank you."

"There is no need for that Miss Elizabeth, I only did what any gentleman would do."

She did not reply. Is that why she wanted to talk with him? Certainly, she could have said that in front of her sister. He was mildly frustrated. He felt his hopes shattering. She rekindled the hopes he struggled to suppress, and for nothing. He looked at her again, and was surprised to see that she was evidently struggling with something. Was there more to this?

"Miss Elizabeth, is there something troubling you?" He inquired softly.

"Well, … There is. But I do not how to tell you this. I do not know what you will think of me." He braced himself. He could feel that whatever she will say next would be a turning point for him. Little did he know that it would be indeed the case, and that the next words uttered by Elizabeth would irrevocably transform him forever into a new man.

"You see, I do not want you to think of me as a gossip. For this reason, I struggled on whether I should tell you or not. I did not want to intrude on your personal relations. But I also feel that it is my duty to warn you of this, if not to repay the kindness you have shown to me after my injury, then to be consistent with the integrity of my character." She winced at her last statement, as if she momentarily doubted her own character. Mr. Darcy was oblivious to his counterpart's inner battle and her upcoming identity crisis of course. He solely focused on how his excitement shifted into dread. He was alarmed at her words. He did not say anything, as his mind went into a frenzy, attempting to come up with whatever was the reason as to why she wanted to warn him. However, it failed to come up with any possible explanation.

She continued "My sisters took me to see the village of Meryton yesterday. I encountered there someone who presented himself as George Wickham. Well, I do not want to speak ill of anyone without cause. But …. Well, he did not strike me as an honest individual. I could feel that the manner with which he approached me and my sisters was way too flattering, almost fake in a sense. I could see that his eyes did not reflect his flattering speech. Besides, … Well, he spoke of you in a rather unflattering light. His account of your … alleged unkindness towards him did not correspond to what I saw of you when you helped me that night. Furthermore, I saw enough of the world to know that when someone is eager to speak ill of others, especially to people they barely know, was nothing but improper. It did not sit right with me. It seemed to me that his charms hid something darker. Well, actually, I do not want to judge. I just thought that whatever transpired between the two of you should remain confined to you both. I also, well, … I also told him this. Anyway, I apologize for taking so much of your time, I just thought that I should warn you that someone was speaking ill of you in a town where you have few friends to defend you. I thought that he would endanger your reputation if he continued sullying it with his accounts, especially to people who do not know you enough to disbelieve him. Again, I apologize for being rather lengthy with my speech and for taking so much of your time." She sighed as she finished her last statement. She seemed genuinely embarrassed, as well.

She was not aware of course, that what seemed to her as an embarrassing lengthy speech, sealed Mr. Darcy's heart as hers forever.