— JENNIE

..

"Did you have a good time?" Jisoo looked up from her phone from where she sat on the couch. Yoojung sat on the opposite end reading a magazine.

"Yes." I smiled blissfully. "Thank you so much."

"How was she?" Lisa went over to the monitor on the kitchen counter and peered at the screen.

"An angel," said Yoojung, tucking the magazine into the shoulder bag at her feet. "She got a little fussy after you left and she found herself with two strangers, but she quieted down eventually and she took her bottle with no problem. We got her to sleep around ten or so."

"I can't thank you enough," Lisa said as my sisters stood up and gathered up their things. Lisa went into the kitchen for a moment and came out with two bottles of wine in her hands. "These are for you."

"That's so nice of you, but it's totally not necessary." Jisoo smiled at Lisa as she slipped her sweater on.

"Please take them." Lisa held the bottles out. "You have no idea how much I appreciate the favor."

It took a little more cajoling, but eventually each of my sisters left with a bottle of wine tucked under her arm. When the door was closed behind them, Lisa turned to me and pulled me into her arms. "Thank you so much for arranging for them to be here. I had such a good time tonight."

"Me too. Thank you for the perfect date." I wrapped my arms around her waist and lay my head on her shoulder.

"Your sisters are great."

"They are. I mean, they can drive me crazy, but I adore them."

"How do they drive you crazy?"

"Oh, the usual stuff. Jisoo is the oldest so she can be a bit of a know-it-all. Add to that she's a therapist, so she sometimes treats me like one of her patients and tries to analyze my behavior. It's so annoying. And Yoojung can drive me nuts with all her organic foods and meditation techniques and spiritual wellness. I get that clean living is good, but there are some things I like dirty." I giggled. "Like martinis and sex."

"Thank God for that." She kissed the top of my head. "Which one has the bee man for a boyfriend?"

"Jisoo. But I don't know that she'd actually call Walter her boyfriend. They don't even have sex."

"They don't?"

"No, it's totally weird to Yoojung and me, but they don't. And she says she's fine with that."

"What about him?"

I shrugged. "I assume he's fine with it too."

"I cannot imagine people being fine with a relationship where there is no sex. But maybe that's just me."

"Jisoo always goes for more intellectual types because she likes guys who are smart, but then there never seems to be that physical thing between them."

"I'm intellectual," said Lisa. "I like sex."

I laughed. "But you don't like relationships."

"Well, I never have before."

I leaned back a little and looked up at her. "And now?"

"Now there's you." She touched her lips to mine. "Want to stay over tonight? At the risk of sounding like Walter, we don't have to have sex. I only want to be close to you."

My entire body warmed. "How am I supposed to say no to that? Just let me run home and get ready for bed. I'll come back over."

"Okay. You've got the key?"

I smiled. "I've got the key."

After one more kiss, I went to my apartment, changed out of my dress and into a little white camisole and some pajama pants, over which I threw a big fluffy pink robe. I took off my jewelry, washed my face, and brushed my teeth. My hair was mussed and considerably less voluminous than when I'd left home earlier, but I left it alone. We were only going to sleep, anyway. I hurried down the stairs and across the hall in my bare feet and let myself back into Lisa's apartment, where I found her feeding Paisley on the couch. She still wore her dress pants, but only her undershirt on top and her feet were bare.

"She woke up, huh?" I dropped down beside her, cuddling close to her side and tucking my legs beneath me.

"Yeah, when I went up there to change. But it's good timing—maybe she'll give us a solid four or five hour stretch after this."

I kissed her shoulder. "I can do the next feeding so you can sleep through the night for a change."

"That's okay. I didn't invite you over to help me with her. And I don't mind doing it—kind of helps me feel like I'm making up for missing the first two months of her life."

Smiling, I looked at the baby in her arms. "You have certainly come a long way since the night you fainted at the sight of her."

"I didn't faint," she said stubbornly. "I…fell over in surprise."

"I think that's called fainting, babe."

"Not at all. There's a clear difference."

Laughing a little, I patted her leg. "Okay. Anyway, you've made lots of progress."

She was quiet for a minute as she watched her take the bottle. "Sometimes it still doesn't seem real. That I have a child. A daughter."

"It was quite a shock."

"I didn't think I could do this. Be a parent."

"I know."

"And it wasn't just that I didn't know how to take care of her. I didn't think I could love her the way a parent should love their child."

Chills ran down my arms, despite the fact that I was wrapped in my giant fleece robe. "And now?"

"Now I'm blown away by how quickly and completely I fell in love with her. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel that way at all, let alone so fast. It shocks me." She swallowed. "And scares me."

"I'm sure it does. Given what you told me earlier, it can't be easy to allow yourself to love like that without fear. You've been protecting yourself for so long. But Lisa, all that time, you were also denying yourself the joy of loving someone. Yes, love makes you vulnerable to hurt, but it also makes you happy. Don't you think?"

"I guess."

It troubled me to think love was still something she feared. "Aren't you happy?"

She looked at me and gave me a little smile. "When I'm with you, I am."

My heart quickened. "Good. I like making you happy."

She gave me a kiss before looking down at Paisley again. "Life is just so different now, you know? What makes me happy has changed so much. I hardly recognize myself."

I put my arm around her and laid my head on her shoulder. "Well, I like the changes in you. I know you probably feel like a stranger to yourself, but I think this person who's capable of so much love was always there inside you. Waiting to be set free."

She laughed a little. "I'm picturing a little madman running around in my body throwing hearts everywhere."

I giggled. "Exactly. You finally let him out of Feelings Jail. He's been trapped there for years."

"Feelings Jail." Shaking her head, Lisa set the empty bottle on the coffee table and stood up, moving Paisley to one shoulder. "You're insane."

"But I'm right, aren't I? Doesn't it feel better to allow yourself to love and be loved than to keep yourself isolated and closed off? Wasn't that ever lonely?"

"Yes," she admitted, rubbing Paisley's back. "Sometimes it was."

My jaw fell open. "Wow. I didn't actually think you were going to admit that."

"I wasn't going to, but the little feelings madman made me do it."

I took one of the cushions from behind me and whacked her legs with it. "Now you're just making fun of me."

She grinned. "I can't help it. Not everything about me has changed."

A few minutes later, we turned out all the lights and went upstairs to bed. It was almost like we were a little family, and the notion gave me a warm feeling deep in my belly. Maybe it would happen someday.

In her bedroom I took off my robe and pants and slipped between the covers. Then I watched as she cradled her daughter and put her to sleep, walking back and forth at the foot of the bed, bouncing her gently. She fussed at first, but eventually she kept the pacifier in her mouth and quieted down. After about five minutes, Lisa was able to lay her in the sleeper.

Lisa disappeared into her closet for a moment, and when she returned she wore only her sports bra and boxer briefs. My stomach flipped at the sight of all her skin, at the memory of what it had felt like to be naked and pressed against her, at the thought that she'd been inside me without protection. Nothing between us. She got into bed, and I snuggled up next to her, my head on her chest. Her arms wrapped around me.

We lay that way in silence for a few minutes, and I thought she might have fallen asleep, but then she spoke softly in the dark. "Come with me tomorrow."

At first I couldn't think what she meant. "What?"

"To my mom's house. I want you to come with me."

I propped myself up on her chest and looked down at her. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." She rubbed my upper arms. "Going there is always difficult. And you make everything better."

My toes wiggled. "Okay. I'll go with you."

"Thank you."

I lowered my lips to hers and held them there a moment. "Thank you for asking me."

"You might not thank me after we get there. My mother is…odd."

"That's okay. I'm not going for her, I'm going for you. To support you."

She brushed my hair back from my face. "I don't deserve you."

"Maybe not. But you've got great hands and a big dick, and it's super convenient that you live right across the hall."

She laughed quietly. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too." I put my head down again and closed my eyes. "Night."

"Night."

I fell asleep to the gentle rise and fall of her chest and the soft stroke of her hand up and down my back.

..

"What was your favorite thing to do on a rainy day when you were a kid?" It was a few minutes after ten, and we were in the car on the way to her mom's house.

The good weather had passed and rain drummed down against the windshield, pooled beneath overpasses on the highway, and made the driving difficult. The windshield wipers in Lisa's fancy car were working overtime, but I still had no idea how she could see. Not that I minded the slow drive. The interior of her car was warm and cozy, Paisley was napping in the back, and the extra time together was perfect for conversation. I was thrilled that she had asked me to come with her today and saw it as the perfect opportunity to learn more about her.

"Probably Legos. I had about a million of them."

"And what would you build?"

"Cities. My brother and I would build entire cities out of Legos—skyscrapers and houses and garages for our matchbox cars. We had a huge room in the basement devoted to Legos. We used to play down there all the time on rainy days."

"What about when it was sunny?"

"If it wasn't raining, we were always outside. There were lots of kids in our neighborhood, and we'd have epic games of Peas and Carrots, which was basically hide and seek."

I laughed. "Why'd you call it Peas and Carrots?"

"I have no idea," she said, glancing over her shoulder as she changed lanes. "But we always did. And once you were hidden in your spot, you had to yell out peas and carrots to give the person who was it at least a clue where you are hiding, because the houses were so big and the yards were fair game, too. And the tree behind our house was always Goal." She was quiet for a moment, then she laughed. "Also, I was obsessed with Batman when I was young and always wore a cape like he did. I even slept in it."

"You did?"

"Yep. Wore it over my Batman pajamas."

"Please tell me you still have Batman pajamas."

She grinned and shook her head. "Sorry. But if you really want me to, I'll come to bed in a cape for you sometime."

I clapped my hands. "Oooooh, please do. Naked except for the cape. And I think you should wear the mask with the pointy ears too. So sexy."

She reached over and put a hand on my leg. "Anything for you, babe. Glad to know you have a superhero kink. I like it."

"What about your brother?" I asked. "Was he Robin to your Batman?"

Lisa took her hand away. "Yes."

An uncomfortable silence followed, during which I was kicking myself for ruining the light mood. Lisa's neck muscles were tense, her mouth a grim line. "I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to upset you by bringing him up. I was only curious."

It took her a moment, but eventually the tension left her body, and her jaw unclenched. "It's okay. I'm just not used to talking about him." She put her hand on my leg again and surprised me by going on. "It's like there were two eras of my childhood. The Before years, which were idyllic, and the After years, which were agony. And no one ever talked about any of it. We buried the past just like we buried my brother."

A lump formed in my throat, and I took her hand in both of mine, hoping she would keep talking. She did, although not right away.

"I'm sure we all thought we were doing the right thing by suffering in silence, sparing each other the pain of talking about Adam and our life before leukemia, or even about our grief after he was gone. But it was so hard. I remember feeling torn between wanting to remember him out loud and wishing he had never existed in the first place. I felt a lot of guilt about that."

"God, that must have been so awful for you." I squeezed her hand.

"It was. And there was no one I could talk to about it. My mother was drowning in her own grief and guilt, my father turned to the bottle for solace, and my friends didn't know how to deal with such a huge loss—what twelve-year-old girl does?"

"You needed therapy," I said. "I can't believe no one suggested it."

She shrugged. "Someone might have, I don't remember. But my parents were not in the right frame of mind to arrange it, and I probably would have refused to go, anyway. Talking about it wasn't going to bring my brother back."

"No, but it might have eased your guilty feelings a little bit. Helped you to process the loss and prevented you from being so afraid to care for someone again."

She shrugged. "Maybe."

"Do you want to talk about him now? About the Before years, I mean? I'd like to know about him." For a moment, I was afraid I'd gone too far, but then she started to talk.

"He loved baseball. And Swedish fish. And knock-knock jokes. He had a book full of them, and they were all terrible." She smiled. "I remember this one he used to trot out every time he met someone new. Knock knock."

"Who's there?" I said.

"I eat mop."

"I eat mop who?" As soon as the words were out, I realized what it sounded like I'd said, and burst out laughing. Lisa did too, and the sound made my heart beat faster.

"Yeah, he used to love getting people with that one, especially girls."

"Well, he'd have gotten me, that's for sure." I giggled again. "And I'm going to get my sisters with it."

"Adam would be proud."

"What else did he like to do?"

"Whatever I was doing. He was forever tagging along after me. He used to sleep at the foot of my bed like a puppy. And when he got too big for that, he'd sleep on the floor in my room."

"Aww. I bet he idolized you."

"He did." She paused and swallowed hard. "He was a good kid. I miss him every day."

I kissed the back of her hand. "Thanks for telling me about him."

We listen to the radio for a while after that—we discovered we both loved This American Life on NPR—but it wasn't too long before Paisley woke up. Since we were still about an hour from Lisa's mom's house, we decided to pull off the road and feed her. "Are you hungry?" asked Lisa as we exited the highway. "Do you want to grab lunch?"

"Sure," I said. "Anyplace is fine with me."

We ended up at a Coney Island, and the hostess seated us in a big corner booth. I shrugged out of my jacket and fluffed my hair, which was damp from the rain. Lisa set Paisley's car seat in the booth, sat down next to her, and unbuckled the straps. "Can you make the bottle for me?" she asked, handing me the diaper bag. "I should change her."

"Why don't I take her to the ladies room and change her? They'll probably have a changing table in there."

"Won't they have one in the men's room?"

I shrugged. "Not usually."

Lisa's expression was angry. "That doesn't seem fair. They just assume a dad would never need to change a diaper?"

"I guess."

"That's bullshit." She stood up. "Give me the diaper bag."

I handed it to her, and she threw it over her shoulder and took off toward the bathrooms with Paisley crying in her arms.

Ten minutes later, she was back, her expression much more relaxed. "They had a family restroom with a table," she said as she slid into the booth. "I didn't even know there was such a thing."

"You learn something new every day." I turned my menu to face her. "Here. Take a look at that while I make the bottle."

She glanced at it. "God, I need to get back in the gym. I have not been eating well."

"I might be able to watch her for you a few times next week so you can go work out if you want. Although with Coco still out, my schedule is pretty full. Hand me the diaper bag?"

She passed it over the table. "Yeah, I probably have to hire an actual babysitter or nanny. I can't be off work for much longer."

"I can help you find someone," I said as the server approached. "I think Coco mentioned an agency or website that she used to find a sitter one time. I'll ask her what it is."

We ordered burgers and fries and took turns eating and holding Paisley, since she continued to be fussy even after her bottle. At some point while I was holding her and trying to eat the last few bites of my burger, Lisa pulled a twenty-dollar bill from her wallet, put it on the table, and stood up. "I'll take her so you can finish," she said. "I'm done. If she comes back, will you ask for the check?" She took Paisley from my arms and walked up front with her.

I quickly finished eating, and when the server came by to check on us, I asked her for the bill.

"Of course," she said. "Is your wife finished with her plate?" She gestured toward Lisa's unfinished fries.

For a few seconds, I couldn't answer. I was too busy being pleased she had referred to Lisa as my wife. "Yes. The baby was fussy so she took her up front, but she's done."

She smiled and picked up the plate, stacking it on top of mine. "Any girl who takes a crying baby so her wife can finish her lunch is a keeper. I'll be right back with the check."

"Thanks, Sharon," I said, referring to the name on her name tag. I loved Sharon. Sharon was awesome.

By the time Lisa returned to the table to put Paisley in her car seat, Sharon was setting the change on the table. "Good job. You got her to quiet down. I was just telling your wife how lucky she is to have you who helps with the baby."

Lisa's eyebrows rose, and she gave me a surprised look. I bit my lip. I was kind of afraid she was going to tell her the truth and spoil my little fantasy, but she didn't. Actually, she looked more amused than anything. "Thanks," Lisa said. She carefully transferred Paisley to her car seat and buckled her up while I put my coat on, then we left the restaurant, hurrying across the parking lot in the rain.

When we were on the highway again, she glanced over at me. "My wife? Did I miss the part where we got married?"

I laughed. "Relax, you're still single."

"Oh, good. Because I can only handle one identity crisis at a time. I just discovered I'm a parent. I can't discover I'm a wife all of a sudden, too." She shuddered.

I shifted in my seat to face her and crossed my arms. "Would it be so horrible, to be married to me?"

"No, darling. The man who marries you will be the luckiest man in the world, and I promise to represent you in the divorce and make sure we rake his stupid ass over the coals for fucking up a good thing. It would, however, be horrible to be married to me. I wouldn't put you through it."

I rolled my eyes and faced forward again, and she turned on NPR again. But I couldn't pay attention to the show. My mind kept drifting back to what she had said about getting married. It's not like I hadn't known her views on the subject before, but it hadn't been personal then. Now she wasn't only saying she had no interest in marriage, she was also saying she had no interest in marriage to me. Was I crazy to feel a little hurt by that?

Yes, said a voice in my head. You have been dating for exactly two weeks. Get a grip. Stay in the moment.

No, said my heart. It's only natural to dream about a future with someone you love. It's impossible to stay in the moment all the time.

Was I in love with Lisa?

I glanced at her handsome profile and it gave me butterflies, but I hadn't really needed to look at her to know the answer.

Of course I was in love with Lisa. I even thought she might be in love with me. What had she said last night? You have me. Maybe they weren't the usual three little words you dreamed of hearing from the one who'd captured your heart, but there was something about the way she said them that made them just as meaningful. You have me. I felt it in my bones. And I'd heard other guys say "I love you" before when they clearly hadn't meant it. It wasn't the words themselves that mattered. It was the sentiment.

But what did it mean to have her? Or to be hers? What good did it do to belong to each other if you knew it was only temporary? How could you enjoy the moment if you were constantly aware that there would be no future? That your time together was running out? It made our entire relationship seem like sand in an hourglass.

Then again, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just needed to be patient with Lisa, like I'd promised to be. After all, look how far she'd come as a parent. It wasn't that far-fetched to think she might change her mind about marriage in the future, was it? And it's not like I was in a rush. I just liked knowing it was a possibility. I liked anticipation. My favorite moments at the weddings I planned were always those right before the bride walked up the aisle. When she stood at the back of the church and looked toward the front where her future husband waited for her. When she took that first step, it wasn't only toward a man. It was toward a dream. It gave me chills every single time.

I wanted that for myself.

Time. That's all I needed to do, give it time. If Lisa was really the one, and something in my gut told me she was, then she was worth waiting for.

I could be patient.

..

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