McCoy was pacing back and forth in the infirmary, mentally reviewing all the arguments he had prepared and waiting for Spock with a firm stance. In his opinion this whole story is practically madness. Unfortunately, this stupid mission was going to happen, and if there's one thing for sure it was that Spock's partner would be the one paying a heavy price for this mistake.
As a doctor and psychologist, his duty now was to minimize the damage that the Vulcan would inevitably inflict on his poor partner. He looked up when he heard the door open with a hiss.
"Mr. Spock. Come in, come in. Enter."
The Vulcan advanced somewhat guardedly at such a warm welcome.
"Should I assume the captain has informed you about the mission?"
McCoy gave a tight-lipped smile, annoyed that he have been so easily read.
"Yes. That is the case. I think we need to have a talk about this."
Spock raised an indifferent eyebrow.
"Is it really necessary, Mr. McCoy?"
"Yes, quite necessary," he said sharply. "Please, have a seat."
Spock took a seat in the chair, but instead of sitting on the other side of the desk, McCoy positioned himself near him, leaning casually against the desk. He smiled at the Vulcan, who regarded him with suspicion.
"Given the situation, and as a physician, I'd like us to have a conversation as men … or as males if you prefer."
He smiled again with a knowing look to which the Vulcan seemed quite insensitive.
"I believe it might be useful to give you a few pointers. To address your ... lack of experience with women."
"I have already had close relationships with humans. One Terran and one Sarpeidian to be exact."
"I'm sure that was very instructive, but if I recall, you were either drugged or facing a return to Vulcanian barbarism."
McCoy smiled as though it wasn't even worth discussing.
"In fact, I was wondering if you've noticed that when you're yourself, women often end up feeling put off, angry, or even insulted by your interactions with them."
Spock raised an incredulous eyebrow.
"And some even avoid you for fear that you'll say unpleasant things," he added.
"I don't see what you're referring to."
Bones sighed and deemed it pointless to beat around the bush any further.
"Spock, after all the time we've known each other, I assure you that's the case. You lack a crucial savoir-faire with women."
"In that case, I'm not sure you're the best person to remedy that. You haven't had much success in that area. All your relationships ended in failure or drama. For example, I'm thinking of that salt vampire who easily duped you."
McCoy swallowed a sharp retort about the day he lost his brain and settled for giving him an annoyed look.
"Unlike you, Spock, I've been married, and believe me, that's more than enough to offer advice."
"In fact, you're divorced."
Spock looked at him impassively, and McCoy had to remind himself that the mental health of a patient depended on this conversation to stay silent. He walked around the desk and took his usual place to assert more authority.
"You think you're clever, perhaps," he said as he sat down, "but I was there, Spock. Seven years ago, I was there, and I saw what happened to you. So tell me, what's going to happen with this woman when you're alone together? Do you have any idea?"
It was Bones' turn to hit the mark, and Spock looked away.
"Intimacy with a woman is a complex situation that I handle much better than you. If you would stop your insinuations and lose your airs, you'd be wise to listen to me for once. In your own interest, and especially in Miss Stone's."
Spock raised his head and stared at him.
"Are you referring to mating?"
"Do you have any questions about it?" McCoy asked in a professional tone.
"No."
McCoy sighed.
"Since you seem so well-informed," he continued, "I suppose that outlining the best ways to handle women will be more useful to you. In your case, I think that's what's most important."
Spock stared at him coldly, waiting for the rest. McCoy joining his hands in front of him as if preparing to make a diagnosis.
"Seven years ago on Vulcan, your fiancée seemed, how should I put it, ... rather stoic."
The second officer raised an eyebrow.
"Emotionless," he specified.
Spock looked at him with a glimmer of interest.
"But women are very different in this regard."
"Of course," Spock said, losing all interest.
"First of all, you should know that they are highly emotional and rather complicated ... to the point where even their males don't understand them, so imagine a Vulcan. But fortunately, with time, we discover that some approaches work better than others."
Spock didn't seem too impressed.
"Except, of course, the problem is that you can't know in advance what will work or not."
"That advice is of no use," the Vulcan declared.
"On the contrary, forewarned is forearmed, Mr. Spock. What I mean is that you need to pay attention to what has positive effects and avoid what yields negative results."
"In other words, you are advising me to apply the simplest form of learning."
Bones fixed him with a gaze and made a tremendous effort to remain calm and composed.
"It seems simple, but it's not. Especially since you're not really the type to care about the emotional repercussions of your actions on colleagues; and what you need to understand, Spock, is that in an intimate context with a woman, that's something you can't afford."
Spock sighed, crossing his arms.
"In your case, I think the most effective thing will be to stay attentive to your partner's reactions," McCoy said, deliberately ignoring his annoyed look. "Certain behaviors are telling. For example, if she smiles or her eyes light up, you're on the right track. On the other hand, if she starts throwing things at you, you'd need to change your approach quickly."
"That's just basic logic."
"It seems so, but believe me, you might be surprised by the difficulty of such operations," Bones said knowledgeably.
Spock looked at him somewhat unconvinced.
"But I think the most important thing for you will be to always remember that you should strive not to conclude an interaction until your partner has shown a positive reaction," Leonard said, having long considered the best way to address the most pressing issues.
"You're talking about a physical interaction?"
"Regardless of the type of interaction. Remember that whatever happens, you should avoid concluding if a woman doesn't seem positive. If she smiles, seems happy, you can proceed. Otherwise, you end the interaction at your own risk."
Spock looked at him dubiously.
"It's like the procedure with the transporter," Bones explained. "You can't teleport until you've obtained a satisfactory safety test. Here, a positive reaction is a satisfactory safety test. Whether it's with transporters or women, ignoring these precautions can lead to serious regrets."
Spock finally gave him an interested look.
"To obtain a positive reaction, there are different strategies," he continued. "For you, I think it's best to focus on safe values. For example, all women like receiving attention and compliments; especially, never be stingy with them, he stressed. During intimacy, they appreciate being held in our arms. They enjoy gentle caresses and being kissed."
Spock raised his eyebrows with the typical expression he always wore when human behaviors seemed bizarre to him.
"Human females always kiss when they want to initiate intimacy," he remarked. "Pressing one's face against someone else's seems like a strange practice to me."
"Whatever your impressions, women care a lot about it, so this step is unavoidable if you become intimate with one."
Spock looked away as if he was bored by this.
"It's how humans show affection, you understand?" he said patiently.
"I don't see the point."
"That's because you're a cold-blooded creature, Spock," said the doctor. "You're like a lizard trying to court a mouse, and what I'm trying to explain is that mice like cheese and couldn't care less about your flies."
"We're talking about a mission. It has nothing to do with your seduction."
Mccoy rubbed his forehead, fiercely wanting to let this goblin discover for himself how wrong he was. But of course, in all good conscience, he couldn't leave this poor girl in the care of this iceberg before trying everything to prevent the worst.
"Can you imagine, Spock," he said in a falsely calm tone, "can you even imagine that for a woman, it makes no difference. Not the slightest."
"Yet the difference is undeniable."
"Not for her," he repeated sharply.
"The difference is there nonetheless."
Mccoy got up to release his urge to strangle him and began pacing back and forth, looking for a new approach.
"Let's start from the beginning," he said, determined to make him see reason. "You chose this partner with care, I understand."
"Indeed."
"And you chose Miss Stone because she has the best chance of getting through with no damage, correct?"
"Yes. That is my primary criterion for selection."
"And all this attention you've put into the selection indicates that you don't want to harm your partner, doesn't it?"
"Of course not."
"Well, believe it or not, and as crazy as it may sound to you, if you don't show her affection, you will still harm her."
Spock looked at him thoughtfully.
"Why is that?"
Mccoy realized he was finally on the right track to make a point.
"For humans, mating and affection go hand in hand. It's inseparable."
"For what reasons?"
"Don't try to understand. It's illogical. All you need to do is remember what I've told you and apply it. I've pointed out the main signs of affection that will help you interact with your partner and avoid a disaster."
Spock raised an eyebrow, finally looking like he was taking him seriously.
"Very well. I'll remember that."
Mccoy nodded and sit back in his chair. "Now, there's one more situation we need to address because your partner will likely end up being put off by your ways."
"Those are baseless speculations."
"Not at all. Let's say you're alone with Miss Stone You've just said or done something perfectly logical, but she suddenly starts crying. What do you deduce from that?"
"The chances are she is displaying irrational behaviour."
"From your point of view, surely. But it's not about you; it's about avoiding harming your partner. So? Why is she crying?"
"There could be various reasons, all equally illogical."
"No. It's quite logical. She's crying because you've hurt her."
"There could be other reasons," the Vulcan insisted.
"Let's leave a ten percent chance for other reasons. In ninety percent of cases, it will be your fault."
"And where do you get these figures, Doctor?"
"From long observation, and I assure you that according to my data, this situation is inevitable. For the safety of your partner, you need to know how to respond in such cases."
"Very well. I'm listening," Spock said haughtily.
"That's an excellent formulation. Remember it because when she calms down, you'll need to listen to her. Normally, she won't hesitate to tell you how you were wrong. Sometimes, that's enough, but if she remains in a bad mood, regardless of what she accuses you of, you will need to take the blame."
"I rarely make mistakes. I don't see why I should take the blame if it doesn't concern me."
"It doesn't matter because the complaint will be illogical, and you won't understand it. Just accept the blame without questioning it."
Spock sighed and nodded, eager to be done.
"Next, the most important thing, you must apologize."
The Vulcan frowned, unenthusiastic.
"It's unfortunately necessary," McCoy assured him.
"Fine," he said with displeasure.
"Perfect!" McCoy said, pleased with his pupil. "Now, from everything we've covered, can you tell me what the most important point is?"
Spock sighed, annoyed.
"You must avoid concluding an interaction without first obtaining a positive reaction," he said reluctantly.
"And what are those reactions?"
Spock adopted a stubborn look, and McCoy gave him a stern stare.
"Smiling and sparkling eyes," he said begrudgingly.
McCoy's face lit up with a triumphant smile.
"Good. Very good."
Of course, considering how much the Vulcan lacked in skill, it was a drop in the bucket, but since it was unlikely that his brain could handle more, it was better to focus on the basics of the essentials.
Spock shot him a dark look.
"Now, if this male-to-male conversation is over, more important matters require my attention."
"Please, go ahead," McCoy said, gesturing to the door.
Spock stood up without bothering to thank him for his valuable advice.
"And I sincerely hope you manage to make a good impression for once."
Spock left without further ado, and McCoy sighed.
"But it would be more realistic to hope that you don't make a complete mess of things," he added to himself.
Note -
Canonically speaking, we see Spock lack discernment towards women with Janice Rand in the first-season episode "The Enemy Within."
After a transporter malfunction, Kirk is split into two entities: one good and the other evil. The evil one attacks Janice Rand, and she narrowly escapes an attempted rape by the malevolent double. Once things are back to normal, Spock makes this comment to the young woman:
"The, uh, impostor had some interesting qualities, wouldn't you say, Yeoman?"
Various theories have been put forward regarding the exact meaning of this cruel remark, but in my opinion, there's no need to look further than the second-season episode "Mirror, Mirror."
After another transporter malfunction, Kirk, McCoy, Spock, and Uhura find themselves in a parallel world where the Enterprise and its crew are villains. Upon returning to their own world, Spock comments:
"Indeed, gentlemen. May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous. In every way, splendid examples of Homo sapiens, the very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing."
In these two similar situations, Spock's comments are alike. In both cases, the evil doubles seem interesting or refreshing to him because they confirm his critical view of humans.
While in "Mirror, Mirror," the comment is amusing, in "The Enemy Within," it is horrifying, and Janice's disgusted expression proves that the remark is indeed odious. Since it's impossible that Spock would be knowingly cruel to a crew member (its illogical and illegal), he most likely made a comment similar to the one in "Mirror, Mirror."
In this case, it follows that he is incapable of distinguishing between the two situations. The fact that this woman experienced a horrible trauma completely escapes him. Based on this observation, I think it's reasonable to conclude that, toward women, Spock can display a remarkable level of boorishness