The whole day was so normal.
Bishop packed up the equipment on Raven's floor without any more questions about it and Aeyrin changed into her usual clothes. Everything was going back to normal, as if she had not just spent three weeks in utter agony, wracked with grief and guilt.
He cooked them some breakfast, they spent some time in the outside tub back home, making themselves a bit more presentable, and he even asked her to come on a hunt with him and Karnwyr.
It was all so normal.
How it should be.
Aeyrin was trying to focus on that. It was all good things. There was no Brotherhood threatening them anymore and Bishop was right there. Alive and everything.
It was better when she saw him smile and be happy like this, but it was still difficult to chase away those feelings. The dread. The uncertainty. And the painfully fresh memory of the worst sorrow she had ever felt. They stayed with her too prominently. And everytime she forced herself to be normal, she felt guilty for faking it all.
It kind of felt like there was something inside her that kept begging her to just stop acting and let the emotions take over. But how could that be a good choice? It wasn't before. She would probably never forget Bishop's expression when he returned and she was just… nothing. Like that.
It would just pass. It would. She had to believe that.
And in the meantime, she just wanted Bishop to be happy. And it did all genuinely feel nice. She just wished the overwhelmingly grim feelings weren't always there at the back of her mind.
But it was not as if it didn't feel nice when he moved to rest by her side on the bed when evening came, leaning in to kiss her passionately. It felt good to focus on that. He was here. She didn't believe she would ever feel his warmth again. And the memories of those excruciating three weeks were surely going to get distant. They had to.
Except for if she had to face that loss ever again…
Stop it.
She just tried to concentrate on the feel of his lips on hers, then on her neck.
"Are you alright?" He murmured into her ear a second later. Why wouldn't she be? Was she acting strange again? She didn't want him to worry.
"Yeah," she smiled. She did her best to make it convincing and his answering smile made her feel like she succeeded.
"You want to?" He ran his hand down her hip, stroking her gently. He was still trying to be careful, clearly. He wouldn't really ask unless he was concerned. She didn't want him to be concerned though. It made her feel guilty again.
"Sure," she nodded eagerly. That was the normal response after all.
Bishop didn't need to be told twice. He enveloped her in his arms and returned his lips to her neck promptly. He touched her and kissed her with the same lust and eagerness he always did.
Why didn't it feel like it should?
Aeyrin suppressed the sorrow she felt at the thought. She couldn't let it show. It would pass. She just tried to concentrate on his touch. It didn't take long before his hands slid under her shirt and began pulling it up. She accommodated him promptly, letting him take the shirt off entirely.
Sometimes he seemed so excited to touch her, but she noticed he seemed to be trying to curb himself a bit. She wasn't sure why. Was she doing something wrong? She mostly kept her eyes closed, trying to focus on the sensation rather than any lingering thoughts and pain, but she made sure not to flinch or appear hesitant. She didn't want to do that. She just wanted to feel like she always did.
Bishop continued to touch her softly all over her body. She heard her more labored breathing in her own ears, but it was strange. The usual heat and tension were not that prominent. By the time Bishop had one hand slid under her trousers and undergarments, playing with her folds, and his lips constantly on her breasts, teasing her with kisses and nips, she desperately wanted to feel those sensations again. But she couldn't stop thinking. It used to be the perfect distraction from any nasty thoughts, but not now, for some reason. Could Bishop tell? She kept concentrating on hiding the fact, letting out moans and arching her back, but… eventually he would be able to tell, surely. She could never keep much from him for long.
What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she just forget those horrible three weeks and bask in the fact that they weren't real? All that pain was for nothing.
Bishop moved his lips to her neck soon again. She felt his warm breath by her ear, as pleasant as ever, but that somehow only made her bitter. About the fact that the bad feelings were not dispelled by his presence instantly. They should have been.
"I missed you so fucking much, love," he murmured into her mangled ear.
'Missed me'? You have no idea what that means.
She hated herself for that though. He didn't know how painful it was. He spent those three weeks knowing he would return. She didn't. She didn't want to think about it like this. Why was she doing it? Why was she like this?
There was no tension of pleasure, but she still felt like she would burst. And she couldn't help it. She didn't even know the real reason. Was it the thought itself? Or was it the fact that she had it at all and how unfair it was. Or maybe it wasn't the thought, just… everything. All of what happened and all those feelings she kept trying to suppress to keep him smiling.
She couldn't stand it.
She felt a sob escape her lips and no matter how hard she tried to keep her eyes shut, the tears would not be stopped. That was the worst thing that could happen. If there was something that would clearly tell him she was not 'alright', it was her bursting into tears while his hand was down her trousers.
Bishop retracted his hand instantly. She couldn't see him, but she knew what he looked like. She could tell that there was an utterly alarmed and confused look on his face.
"I'm… I'm sorry, I…" she didn't know what to say. She still kept her eyes closed as she moved to wipe the tears away. It didn't help much. And by now, Bishop withdrew from her entirely and it didn't help one bit. Of course he would react like that, but she just felt even worse for losing his warmth.
"Fuck, princess, what's wrong?" Bishop's panicked voice did make her open her eyes at last, though everything was blurry. But yep, she could tell. He looked so freaked out.
"I'm sorry… I don't know," she shook her head briskly. She did know, she just didn't know how to explain it. Or rather, she had no idea how to say it without breaking his heart. The fact that he was alive should have fixed everything. Why didn't it?
"It's alright, love," he let out a sigh and reached out to wipe another tear from her cheek. "Just talk to me."
She wanted to. But then again, she didn't. She didn't want to hurt him and feel even worse about everything. Then again, what she was doing now was hurting him too, clearly.
It was all too much. She could not only see, but feel his gaze boring into her and… she didn't know what to do.
She didn't know what else to do.
"I'm so sorry," she sniffled a bit as she quickly sat up on the bed and began to look for her shirt. She couldn't help it. She should have known that trying to pretend like nothing was wrong would never work. And now she just made everything worse. She needed to get out of here before she did that again. "I… I just need to…" she stammered uncertainly as she finally located her shirt and draped it on again. Then she hopped off the bed.
"What? Princess, where are you going?" Bishop looked at her in confusion. Dammit, he looked so out of his depth. She really didn't want to do this to him but… there was no more pretending.
She considered his question only for a second. The answer that sounded like the obvious one suddenly didn't feel like a good idea. Raven would be just as concerned and attentive and somehow, she wasn't sure if she could handle it just then. She wasn't sure if she could handle being around anyone right now. Maybe she could just try to drown in those horrible feelings alone for a while. Maybe it would help.
"I… I'll just get a room at the inn. I'm sorry, I just…" she didn't know what to say. He looked so devastated. She couldn't stand it. "I'm sorry." That was all she could keep repeating. Bishop still looked the same, still heartbroken and confused. She had no idea how to deal with that.
She really had to leave.
Aeyrin turned on her heel and ran out of the house, leaving Bishop there on the bed, stumped.
She didn't know what else to do.
She just needed a moment alone, away from all the expectations and explanations.
It was becoming more overwhelming than her lingering grief.
…
Bishop kept going over the events of the day in his head over and over again.
He knew she might still be upset, but she was convincing him otherwise the whole time. She wanted to come home. She looked happy there. What just happened?
Or was he just being an ignorant idiot?
If only he knew for sure, he might be able to gauge this situation better too.
But as it stood, he was just… stuck. He kept pacing in front of the inn, trying to decide whether he should come in or not. And he was pretty fucking sure if he did go in, he would be subject to the same indecision when he found out where Aeyrin was staying.
Did she even have any money with her when she left?
It all happened so fast. He still had no idea what to make of any of it. She seemed alright. Sure, Raven told him it would not be what he expected, but since they woke up today, it was just all a pleasant surprise in that regard. She definitely seemed to be in much better spirits than last night.
So what exactly happened?
It was also kind of disturbing that it all went down once they got more intimate. Fuck, what as happening? He didn't understand any of it. Sure, he understood what Raven said about her being in a bad place and needing time but… it was just… not something he expected after today. And it was still something he was struggling to understand.
Fuck, he just wanted to talk to her. But was that a bad idea?
"Lad," a voice interrupted him. It was dark, but Bishop could tell it apart anytime. He turned around to see Brynjolf approach, surprisingly with his arms promptly outstretched.
Oh. Alright.
Bishop met his brief embrace and patted him on the back somewhat awkwardly. Brynjolf must have known what happened. He didn't expect the hug though.
It made him feel weirdly guilty.
"Bryn. I'm… sorry," he sighed. He felt like he should apologize. He wasn't exactly sure what Brynjolf knew, but it was all kind of shitty. At least it felt like it now.
"It's alright, lad," Brynjolf nodded somberly. "Raven explained shit. I'm just glad you're alive."
Right. That was the reaction he would expect. What was going on with Aeyrin? He really wanted to understand, but he wasn't sure how to get it. He tried to think over and over about what Raven said, but without him actually remembering much of his own grief years ago, it wasn't easy. He probably contributed to that with barrels of booze back then.
"What are you doing here?" Brynjolf asked after a while of silence when Bishop was busy again contemplating everything.
"I don't know," Bishop sighed. He didn't wanna talk about it. Or… maybe he did. He didn't know anymore. "Aeyrin seemed fine all day. Then she just… broke down. She ran off, saying she's getting a room here for the night." He shook his head incredulously. He wasn't even sure why he was so forthcoming. He was just exhausted from everything. Why couldn't everything just go back to normal?
"And you're pacing here because…?" Bryn raised his brow at Bishop curiously.
"I don't fucking know!" Bishop fumed in frustration. "I don't know if I should go after her."
"I don't think you should. Not tonight anyway," Brynjolf scowled a bit. That was not really what Bishop wanted to hear.
"But… fuck! Why? I… I get that it was hard for her, but…" he wasn't even sure how to finish. He felt so fucking selfish even thinking that everything should be all fine again the second he got back. But… how could he not wish for that?
"Lad, we all know," Brynjolf gave him a sympathetic, though somewhat chastising, smile. "We all know that the people we love can be taken away from us at any time. There's not a person out there not aware of that. That fear is there, pushed back so that we can live our lives with the comfort that that is what it is. Just a fear. We can't even imagine what the reality could be like. And you just yanked that fear out of her and made it into something else. You forced her to face it as that reality, not just some distant concern."
That was… a disturbing thought. But what else could he have done? He didn't want to hurt her, but he was cornered.
"What fucking choice did I have? You don't think it killed me to do this to her?" He threw up his hands in exasperation. If he had another choice, he would have taken it.
"I know that's what you believe," Bryn sighed. What? What the fuck did that mean? "Lad, why didn't you talk to me?"
"What? What would you have done?" Bishop scoffed. As if Brynjolf had some magic way to get him out of the mess with the fucking Dark Brotherhood.
"You know Delvin has some contacts," Bryn shook his head. "There were some problems but… we could have figured something out. Why didn't you come to us? We might have been able to… fuck, lad. Just do anything else."
Anything else? It… it wasn't an option! He was fucking stuck!
He never even considered that Bryn could actually help. Could he have? Bishop knew about Delvin's contacts, but he didn't even consider that it could be helpful in this situation. Maybe it wouldn't have been. Probably. But he felt so fucking shitty for not even trying now.
"Just… give her some time. At least for now. Let her come back to you," Bryn encouraged him. Bishop understood that he should give her some space. She wouldn't have left if she didn't need it. But there was one thought that kept him from leaving and letting everything be.
"What if she doesn't?" He didn't even notice he said those words aloud before Bryn gave him another sympathetic look.
"Why do you think she's so upset? Because she doesn't care about you? You know… we gave you a send-off and everything. She couldn't even stand being there. Don't rush her. You spent the weeks looking forward to coming back to her. She didn't have that luxury. Just let her breathe for a bit and gather her thoughts."
Fuck, he knew that. Technically. It's just been hard to accept.
And he had no idea about the 'send-off'. Raven must have told the Guild before he even knew what really happened.
Damn, everyone really thought he was dead. It was a weird thing to consider. And as much as Bishop hated to admit that, Bryn and Raven were probably right. He shouldn't push Aeyrin. He was ready to give her all the time she needed last night, but then she was acting all happy and excited to go back home… fuck, it was hard not to get his hopes up.
"Yeah… you… have a point," Bishop let out a frustrated sigh. "I'll go home."
"She'll be back, lad. You know that," Bryn gave him a reassuring smile.
He wasn't sure if he 'knew' that. He felt like he didn't know anything anymore.
But he sure as fuck hoped so.
…
Keeping himself away was harder than Bishop had expected.
He expected it to be hard just… not like this. He didn't get a whiff of sleep that night. He kept waiting for the door to open and Aeyrin to come back, but none of it happened.
Karwyr looked kinda down too. This whole ordeal must have been hard on him. Bishop wasn't sure what the wolf understood, but he knew that having Aeyrin grieving and now him like this, it couldn't have been great for his friend. He just lay on the ground, staring into nothing. Much like Bishop, actually. They both just waited for things to get better.
It didn't pass until the morning when there was a glimmer of hope knocking on the door of the cottage. Literally.
But as Bishop shot out of the bed to answer, he realized that it was likely not who he hoped. Aeyrin had her own key. Unless she left without it. There was still hope that it was her, but the realization dampened Bishop's spirits sufficiently already.
He opened the door to find Raven there. Aaah, fuck. Bishop was in no fucking mood for 'I told you so's. He was starting to get pissed about how much the Guild and Raven meddled in what was going on, spreading it all around.
Raven promptly handed something over to Bishop. It was a note. Not just a note though. There was also a delicate silver necklace with a chalice amulet on it. Huh… that was the one Aeyrin got from Therien. Why did Raven have it?
Bishop promptly looked at the note to find some explanation.
.
I found this on the floor, tossed aside by the fireplace. I figured it was yours.
.
Oh. Well… this was clearly addressed to Aeyrin, judging by the 'yours' in it. Nobody would ever think this was Bishop's. Raven didn't know she left then. But that wasn't the important thing.
She threw it away?
"Thanks, Raven," Bishop nodded. Fuck this bothered him. He waited only for a second to see if Raven would scribble something more, but when he did not, Bishop just closed the door in his face. He didn't want to explain this or discuss this. He was just disturbed by this and needed to think.
He didn't even notice she wasn't wearing it.
Fuck, what was wrong with him? How had he been so blind to everything she was going through?
He was so intent on seeing what he wanted to see. Every smile she gave him, everytime she agreed with doing whatever he suggested, was any of it real or did he just pressure her without thinking? She had been much more quiet the whole day than usual, but he paid it no mind when she seemed eager to go back home with him. She had felt somewhat distant whenever he kissed her, but what did he care when she let him undress her? Fuck, he was such an idiot.
It still didn't feel right. It still made him uncomfortable to just leave things be, but fuck, he knew he should. He knew he should give her time. She was obviously under pressure around him to act normal, judging from everything he knew now, and that was not helpful.
Fuck, he just wanted to tell her that it was alright. He should have curbed his expectations and given her time to process everything. He wanted to tell her just that, but… he couldn't decide if it would help or just make things worse. And everyone was telling him to back off. Maybe he should listen to them for once.
They were right before about how Aeyrin was feeling and he ignored it. He shouldn't make the same mistake now.
He just wished she would come back soon. Ideas kept popping up in his head on how he could achieve that – to cook her something special and go tell her or such. But fuck, he had to stop. He shouldn't be luring her in here, pressuring her again.
No matter how hard it was, he was gonna force himself to be patient.
…
The whole day dragged on in an excruciating slowness.
Bishop had no idea what to do with himself all of the sudden. He was no stranger to solitude, or rather to being alone with Karnwyr, but somehow this was different. He didn't want to go outside to hunt or just take his mind off things in the wilderness. What if she came back when he was away? And what else could he be doing inside? Cooking seemed pointless when he didn't know if there would be anyone to make the meal for. He did spend some time cleaning the place and checking his equipment, in case it needed tending to, but that all took only a short while. He could also get some new clothes, but… that required him to leave again. He was just not doing that.
So most of the time was spent wallowing in misery. Fun.
It's been like that the whole day and now it was past nightfall again. Bishop was resigned to spending another night alone, no matter what he had been wishing for for those three weeks in Dragon Bridge.
It was no wonder then, when suddenly the dark quiet of the cottage got interrupted by a sound of a key, his heart practically skipped a beat.
And right then, he wasn't even sure what to do. What to say. How to behave. He got weirdly nervous even standing in the room, after he jolted out of the kitchen chair promptly. Now he was starting to feel like a creep, just standing there, waiting for her to return. But… he was just waiting for her to return.
Ah, fuck it. Who cared how pathetic it looked? He just wanted her to come back.
Aeyrin didn't even seem startled at him standing there like a log. She entered quickly, shutting the door behind her and she promptly looked to the ground instead of at him, as if she were ashamed of something.
She looked just like yesterday. Like she hadn't slept all night, kinda haggard and exhausted. Then again, he probably looked the same. Karnwyr didn't seem aware of any discomfort in the room though. He immediately ran over to greet her happily, rubbing against her legs. She did smile at that, but it was fleeting.
"Hey," she mumbled, still looking into the floor. But she did take a deep breath a second later and finally looked up at him. "I'm… I'm really sorry for running out like that."
"It's alright, love," he quickly retorted. "I'm sorry if… if I pressured you or anything. I don't even know. Just… you don't have to pretend that you're fine."
"I know," she lowered her eyes again. She knew she could always be honest with him. She just hated the idea of disappointing him so much after his return. But… this was not a solution to anything. She managed to calm down a little when she was alone, surprisingly enough, and now she knew what she needed to do. She just needed to talk to him, to try and explain, no matter how painful it was. Lying to him was not fair and it clearly only made things worse. "Can we… talk?"
"Always," he smiled at her a bit before he gestured towards the bed. It was where they would likely be most comfortable talking. And he wanted to be close to her, to be able to embrace her and hold her when she needed it. He wasn't sure if she would want that, but he wasn't going to deprive them of the option.
Aeyrin walked over to the bed promptly and sat herself down. Bishop followed suit right away. Once they were there though, silence fell onto the cottage again. Now that they were here, she didn't know how to start.
"Uhm… you want something to eat? I could make something," Bishop interrupted the silence. He hadn't really eaten much today himself. It seemed like he should be concerned about other shit. But he was concerned about if she was eating regardless.
"No, thanks. I'm not really hungry," she shook her head. She didn't remember the last time she actually was hungry. She mostly ate because Raven insisted. And yesterday to make Bishop happy. Now she just wanted to talk first. But she still seemed to have trouble with that.
Bishop wanted to ask her if she had eaten at all today, but he stopped himself. It was fucking uncomfortable and he didn't know what he should and should not ask, how to avoid being pushy and overbearing. Aeyrin fell silent after that again and he thought of one other thing that might get her talking. He hoped as much at least. And he hoped he wouldn't make shit worse with it.
He got up from the bed and walked over to the fireplace mantle where he grabbed the necklace he put there earlier. He hesitated for a while, but when silence continued to reign over the room, he took a determined breath and walked back to her, presenting her with the necklace.
"Raven stopped by. Brought this. He said he found it on the floor," he explained.
Aeyrin's eyes widened at the sight. She didn't expect this. She… barely remembered what she'd been thinking when she tossed it away. And she even felt a little strange seeing it again now. She wasn't sure whether she should take it back. After all, that one thought she could remember having was still all too vivid and prominent in her head.
"Right… I… tossed it," she admitted. She wasn't sure if what she felt right now was shame, regret or determination about her previous actions. Emotions were all getting muddied lately. She wasn't even sure what happy and sad looked like. It all seemed to be the same for some reason.
Bishop cocked his head at her, still holding the necklace in his hand, outstretched towards her. She still wouldn't take it back though. But he deserved an explanation. About everything. And if this was the place to start, so be it.
"They took you away from me," she shook her head. "They allowed that to happen. I didn't want to wear it anymore." What good did faith do when it wouldn't stop all that pain she went through?
"Love," Bishop gave her a regretful look as he clutched the amulet in his hand, no longer free for her to take. "It didn't really happen."
"But it did for me," she looked at him desperately. "And… I can't stop thinking about it. I can't just forget how it all felt. I know I should. I know I should be happy that none of it was real but… I don't know how."
Bishop sat back down on the bed. He hesitated for a moment, but then he shook his head at himself and reached out with his free hand to take hers into it. He was sick of pondering if he was allowed to do any of it.
"I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am for doing that to you," he sighed. "It seemed like the only option. Maybe there was a better one, I don't know, but… this was the only one I could consider at that point. I… don't really know what you went through. I don't even want to imagine. But, princess, you don't need to pretend for me like you're alright."
"I wish I was," she leaned on his shoulder, seeking his comfort. "I don't know what to do, Bish. Everything feels awful. I keep trying to feel normal but… I don't know how."
"I don't know either," he shook his head regretfully. If only he knew how to fix this. "But… I think it will pass with time." He did kind of interrupt her grieving process after all.
"I keep trying to tell myself that," she continued to lament. She felt the tears form in her eyes again, but this time, she just tried to ignore that. She wasn't going to run again. "It's hard to believe sometimes. And I just feel guilty. I know you expected… something else. I wish I wasn't like this."
"Princess, I was a fucking idiot expecting anything," he sighed. "Of course it wouldn't be easy to deal with. I just had all this time on my hands, locked up in there, imagining seeing you again when we were free of those fuckers… I didn't really consider your side of things."
"But you were right," she pulled back a bit trying to wipe her tears. "It didn't happen, so… why I am still feeling like this? Why didn't it all go away when I saw you?"
"I don't know, love," he reached out to her to wipe a tear from her cheek too. "But just because that's not something either of us expected, doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. It's probably really fucking normal to be struggling with this. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with how you're handling this."
"'Handling this' by feeling like crap and making you feel like that too?" She scoffed at herself disparagingly.
"Oh, so fucking what? Like there hasn't been thousands of things making us feel like crap before, we survived. We'll survive this too," Bishop squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "I don't care how long it takes. We're gonna be fine eventually. So it might suck for a while before that. We've handled that and then some."
That was… oddly comforting.
It will pass, it will pass, it will pass.
She had to believe that. And even if it took a long time, she was a bit encouraged by her time alone at the inn. Or rather by how unbearable it was. It was kind of a relief. Instead of focusing on her guilt and residual grief, she was more focused on beating herself up over the fact that Bishop was right here and she was choosing not to be with him. And she did really miss him in a more familiar way. In the way that she knew was not permanent.
Though the memory of that still haunted her.
"Hey, listen, princess," Bishop reached out with his hand, gesturing for her to snuggle towards him. Usually he didn't gesture, he just grabbed her outright, and it sent a twinge of pain through her to know his instinct was to hesitate. Even though it was her own damn fault that it was. But she tried her best to ignore all of it and just moved towards him, letting him wrap his arm around her shoulders and press her into a half-embrace. "Just take your time. You don't need to feel guilty for taking your time. I know it's a shitty thing to say after what I've done but… we do have a lifetime together. And we're much safer now than we had been for a while. We'll be alright. Happy. It doesn't matter if it's not right now. And just… talk to me. Even if it's not what I wanna hear. What I want is for you to feel better and that's what it takes."
She did feel pressured. Not by him, not right now, but by the time itself. She realized it now that he said it. They had a lifetime together. But maybe not. It used to be so easy to be at peace with that reality. Anything could happen to either of them anytime. But suddenly, it was no longer easy to accept. Probably because she knew what it would be like if it happened.
And now she just felt awful for being sad and wallowing in despair when she should be making use of every day they had together. It all felt so much more fleeting now.
She knew he was right. But she also couldn't chase those feelings away.
But… at the very least, she would not keep it from him anymore. She was incapable of keeping up that charade for too long anyway, apparently. And it did feel a little better not having to stuff it all deep inside and keep it bottled up.
She didn't answer anything he said, but Bishop didn't seem to mind as he cradled her in his arms. He seemed content enough reassuring her without any response from her. And it did make her feel better to see that he was happy enough just having her here now, no matter in what mood. It helped ease the guilt over ruining their reunion.
"Should I put it on you?" He asked after a while and she got confused by the question. It took a second before she noticed he held his free hand in front of her. Not really 'free'. The amulet of Stendarr was still there in his palm.
Oh. Right. That.
"N-no. I… I don't know," she sniffled a little. She really didn't know. When she thought about taking it back, a wave of resentment washed over her and she wasn't sure why. The Gods did nothing to her. Even if Bishop had actually died, it wouldn't have been their fault. She couldn't explain the feeling to herself rationally. And looking at that necklace just made her more confused. "Just… throw it aw-… uhm… no… I don't know." For a moment, she thought she might want it gone forever not to have to look at it. But it was a gift from Master Therien. And it should still mean something. Maybe she would miss it tomorrow. Her emotions were all over the place now.
"Tell you what, I'll keep it. You can have it back whenever and if you want," Bishop smiled at her softly and he quickly hid the necklace into one of his belt pouches, away from her view. "It's gonna be here whenever you decide you want it."
Alright. That was a good option. It was comforting to know that it wasn't going to be lost to her. And for some strange reason, it was also comforting to know that it was with Bishop. She didn't know why she felt like it would ensure that he would not be lost to her either. Maybe she wasn't as intent on forsaking the Gods as she thought just then. It was just… confusing.
It's a lie. Nothing will protect him.
She whimpered a bit and pressed herself into his arms, startled by the thought. It wasn't Bishop's voice anymore and it was still not something she could physically hear, at least that was a comfort. But it was always scary to hear these thoughts attack her out of nowhere.
Bishop wrapped his other arm around her as well protectively, even though he had no idea what he was 'shielding' her from.
"I'm… I'm worried it won't get better," Aeyrin huddled into his arms again, speaking softly. She wasn't sure why she said it. She knew what his answer would be. 'It will get better'. She still felt like she needed to hear it.
"Do you remember what you felt like after Kvatch?" He asked, instead of the platitude she expected.
"Y-yeah," she scowled a bit. She remembered that awful feeling. That strange consuming darkness. She remembered that it felt similar to how she felt after Thorn. But… it all felt a little bit fuzzy now. Not as vivid and intense. That was the nature of things though. With time it all got distant and… oh. She understood why he asked now.
"Raven asked me yesterday about how I felt after Jules died," Bishop scoffed at himself and Aeyrin tilted her head to look up at him, startled. She didn't expect this non-sequitur. And she didn't know that he had talked to Raven much since he'd been back. "I told him I don't remember. I don't. Not really. I know it was fucking bad. Rough. And I know I felt like it would never end. It still hurts sometimes, but it's not like that. And I barely remember the details, if that makes sense."
"And he's actually gone," Aeyrin nodded thoughtfully. Of course there was still pain – Jules was not coming back. But her pain had no real consequence like that. That was encouraging, actually. Until she realized what she had said was quite insensitive and she instantly threw him a guilty apologetic look.
"No, you're right. He's actually gone," Bishop nodded. "I'm not. And I know that might actually make things… more confusing. Like you went through all that when there was no reason to. And I will never stop feeling like shit for putting you through something like that. It's constantly on my mind. But… it's not like I'm gonna feel like that every second of every day forever. It will get better in time. And when I sometimes remember, I'll still feel like shit for a bit. Just for that one bit though. For you… you might not even feel bad when you remember this one day," he smirked a little.
That was comforting. What was the most comforting though was just being open with him about this at last. She still wasn't entirely convinced that things would get better, but… what else was there to do but give it time?
It was exhausting though. All of it was exhausting.
"I… I know it's not that late but… would you mind going to sleep?" She asked nervously. It might do her some more good to talk about it, but it was oddly draining even to be doing that, no matter how much it helped. She chalked it up to her lack of sleep that night. And three weeks worth of nights before.
"I don't mind," Bishop pressed a kiss on the top of her head. He was fucking beat too. Though he did still worry whether she had eaten at all. He barely had as well. He didn't want to push though. He would be much more at ease tomorrow when she would hopefully stay and he could see for himself if she ate. Even though that thought made him feel like some creep or her jailor. Hopefully making sure she took care of her health wouldn't be him pressuring her too much.
Fuck, this was hard to navigate. He still had no idea what to do.
But right then, going to sleep seemed like an easy task. One thing at a time.
He was just glad to have her back.
That was all that mattered to him.