DISCLAIMER: WE DONT OWN HARRY POTTER OR FOUR LOKO OR ZAK BAGANS

Chapter 2: Timid Beginnings in a Strange New World Except Its Hogwarts and He's Been There Before

Harry was careening down the highway I mean sky with a crazy drunk little house elf raisin man and had never felt more alive. He could see some clouds, some migrating geese, some dragonflies that were really high up, some grey clouds, and some greenhouse gas emissions that most likely came from the states but we're not sure. The ol' US of A. Classic.

"Whoa, Dobby, slow down there!" Harry sighed, "you're gonna make me piddle my widdle trousers."

Dobby did not slow down, in fact, he sped up. But only a little, so Harry couldn't tell. Dobby's shoeless, grey, dead, brownish foot sat upon the gas pedal in the most peculiar way. His foot arched much like a beautiful woman's back mid-coitus. Harry eyed the foot nauseously, noting the single thick, glossy hair sitting upon Dobby's middlest toe. Cool.

Harry felt queasy in his Dweebits.

"Dobby, c'mon!"

Dobby still said nothing as he kept being too fast for school. Dobby spit up a little bit from the mass quantities of four loko ravaging his system. He managed to sputter past the purple-brown spittle on his lips,

"Harry Potter is in grave danger!" Dobby said the word grave with the girthiest "r" that Harry had ever set ears upon. Harry couldn't focus because he was distracted by that too-girthed up "r".

Alarmed, Harry sighed, "What kind of donger, my new friend called Dobby?"

" "

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that," Harry sighed, demandingly but also courteously. Curtsey. Curt Seep.

"Dobby is not able to tell Harry Potter what it is outright. Dobby must tell Haryr Pooter through silly riddles!"

"Well go on then!" Harry sighed with a thick cockney accent.

"Okay. I'm tall whe-"

"PISS OFF"

"..."

"..."

"I'm tall when I'm young and I'm short when I'm old. What am I?" Dobby continued, unperturbed.

"Well...I'd have to wager to reckon a bet on a bear and say that the answer is...a candle?" Harry sighed, thoughtfully.

Dobby nodded in confirmation. He also let out a little burping gas that had been waiting for a good opportunafish to come out. This was that opportunity.

"Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?"

"Hmmmm...OH I KNOW I KNOW OKAY corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels, and throw away the cob!" Harry was really freaking assing taingintgd pround.

"I know because I remember this one time when I went to a Barbie with the mates and there was corn on the cob, NOT OFF THE COB being Barbied on the
Baribe and I remember that it tasted so sweet in my mouth. Butter dribbling down the corners of my mouth like a baby's spittle from breastfeeding and then my neck got all stinky also much like a newborn baby suckling! Oh, how I remember the way the koalas stared at me in wonder and amazement at my ability to chug mass amounts of butterfat! What a lovely Barbie that was with the mates. Indeed. Yes." Harry sighed.

"If exactly three Bocks, then how many poodles on a blue moon?"

This one was a toughie.

"Wait...I think I've got this one...Tom Riddle?"

"YESF" The answer was correct.

"Well who in the blue toot moon kmeeeneemkk is Tom Riddle and why the whole entire dook should I care about some STUpid boy or man or girl or woman or non-gender conforming person named that name? :3" Harry was irate.

Dobbty squeaked a little but not in a cute way.

"That is all Dobby can say for now…"

The two boys looked at each other in knowing silence. They knew. Ummmmmmmmmm I dunno Dobby licked his lips but not in a cute way? Dobby, seeing that the pair was about to approach Hogwarts, pumped the brakes in way that looked hopefully really cool to all the students, but mostly Harry. The moment was getting heavy with a big ol sort of fog but it wasn't real fog it was more like butter. Brakes a-pumpin, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN there was a cuhhhraaaaaaazy big whomp of some sort on the big ol hecker of the car.

"OHHHHHH NOOOOoYYRRRRR! I think we're being whomped by some sort of tree! A pine, mayhaps?" Harry sighed.

It was a willow. Obvs.

Some crazy sound effects happened along with a lot of documentary-style camera shaking, and long story short, the car got all fudged up by a big cool tree that is alive and stuff and it like ruined the car FOR LIFE.

Harry sighed indignantly and sighed, "OMG Dobby, what in the great name of Zak Bagans was that?!"

No response. Harry thought for a little baby tiny infant smaller than a mouse-toot moment that Dobby wasn't responding because he might be hurt, or worse, expelled! But then, Harry looked to his right BECAUSE WE ARE IN ENGLAMD REMEMBER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA to the driver's side and saw not a single house elf in sight! Where could Dobby have gone so quickly? It was like magic!? Harry went to a magic show once. When he was about seven.

Three hours later….

Harry had left the car. The cool flying one which resembled in an uncanny fashion Roland's dad's cool car that flies! Harry was now in the Great Hall, about to have some gr8 grub with his favorite pals, Hermione and Ron Weasley. Sometimes Neville was there too but he wansn't a Weasley. Neither was Hermione. But oh well. We can't all be Weaslies.

Ron was going on and on endlessly about what a banging cool summer he had had at Chez Weasley.

"There was a sweater and some brothers and a firework and I saw two cats, two toads, and I picked up a rock!...but do y'all wanna hear about the coolest part of my summer?"

Summer Lovin' from the hit musical and my personal absolute favorite musical Grease the musical began to fade in over the great hall speakers.

Then it stopped and we forgot all about it.

"I did a realllllllly cool stunt. It was bangin. I'm sure you all (y'all) have all already heard about it though...l"

Every single anime nerd at the table yelled at Ron and were all like "NO we wanna hear! It sounds cooooool! I havne't heard jack-SHIT about it!?IHAVEAKATANA :3"

"Well….Basically I stole my dad's cool car that flies and drove it in a single joy ride all the way to Gogwarts today! My dumb old dad who I love fiercely and would protect in an armed robbery was so chuffed off about it! I hate him jk"

Hermione reached up her skirt to do the ol' scratch n' sniff.

"Oh sick," she said to herself, "Ronald, I can't believe you did that crazy Stupid stupid stipud stupid stunt…..Without inviting me! Just like Sean White would."

"Oh SHUT IT Hermione! I CANT BELIEVE you are the top of our class and also the world's biggest pothead!"

Everyone sneered and also snickered and snickers bars. (AN: I found a whole king sized snickers bar outside the movie theater the other night. It was only a little melted and unopened if anyone wants it PM me)

"Well...it's Five O'clock Somewhere." Hermione said with a large grin and a patented virgin Hogwarts Margarita in hand.

Harry hadn't told anyone about his special new friend and cool ride to school yet. He didn't plan to …..

"So, Harry. C'mon. Gimme the deets. How bout you? You have any special new friends this summer? How much puss didja get huh? C'mon. You didn't answer any of my owls or emails or texts or snapchats or letters carried by my owl. This summer. What of it? Come off it, mate! SOD OFF!"

Ron had talked himself silly right into oblivion, which was lucky for Harry because Harry did not at this time wish to divulge his secret summer shenannies (the Barbie) just yet.

The big fat dirty room called the great hall became silent with a pregnant pause of quietness when Albus Dumbledore came on in like he owned the place or something. Following him were all the teachers. I mean professors. Sorry. There was Trelawney who was some kind of hippie freak. She taught divination which nobody believes in anyway except for all the cool trendy witchy vibes tarot girls. They loved her but also made fun of her because she smelled and actually believed in divination.

There was McGonAggle, she was a country girl at heart. She wore a witches hat, duh, but all bedazzled in turquoise crosses, a flowing but really thick and ugly and heavy cowhide cape. It was NOT hypoallergenic. Harry sneezed as she walked in. She also wore a nice plain dress that was plain and just fine. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF she wore thigh-high cowWOMAN boots with really shiny embroidered flowers of Texas and also a bird and also a cat and also a frog, and an american flag and a rifle. She also had a camo bandanna coming out of her breast pocket to remind her of her roots. She was also blonde. And not Professor McGonagall at all.

OMG also Hagrid was there and he was like the whole CCOOLEST person ever and the gang really loved having a hootenanny or two in his hut. The reason he was so cool was because he also grew weed in his hut. That's why he has like that big dog too. Plus it's cute. Fang is his name.

And then there was Snape. The ol' Nape of the Neck himself.

And the rest.

So Dumb ol Dumbledore the Dorkus went on about his bad self for a bit and it was kinda boring I'm not gonna lie to yall. BUT THEN he announced kind of the coolest news ever!

"Hey everyone. Hey guys, listen up. Guys, come on then. Okay...1...2...3….okay that didn't work...Everyone? Hello? Alright kids quiet down now...settle down..I know the first day is exciting...just….come on now...alright…."

Dumbledore realized that all these rowdy rascally horny teens children were too loud and would never listen to an old fool like himslef...Unless…

Dumble dore did one of those teacher things where he clapped 5 times all rhythmically and stuff. The whole room got quiet as the teen youths repeated the cult-like clap back (clapback….hahah. Ass clap.) to him and were like quiet.

"Okay guys so what I was tryna say...it's me. Dumbledorkin to the rescue me lads. Lol. jk. I'm funny when u get to know me. Anyway, so I have some exciting news for you little child kiddo pre-teen horny bastards. My personal favorite reality TV show has decided to film an episode at our very own honkin' school we call home… HOGWARTZ! I'll give you guys a hint. It's about ghosts. And adventures. And it's starring Zak Bagans. My former lover and student. Not at Hogwars though, at zumba class. IT'S GHOST ADVENTURES YOU DOLTS. I want all of you rotten teens to be on your best behavior when he and his crew cum film at our lovely school. Whew." Dumbledor explained

The students commenced gossiping amongst themselves about stupid shit.

"Wowowowow I've never really thought of it that way, but yeah. I mean, I guess Hogwarts really IS haunted!"

"Yeah, I mean my mom told me stories about the zumba classes that Dumbledore used to teach, but I just assumed that they were just old wives tales."

"AY AY AY"

"I didn't ever report him, but Nearly Headless Nick touched me once on my bottom."

"So then Kagome says sit boy and then Inu Yasha does this silly lil thing…."

SO THEN the tabbles all filled up with yummy looking goodies and hogwarts food and stuff. And that shut those little bickering binkey sucking stupid pieces of crap up. Every thing was layed out in the most magical and pleasing-to-the-eye way, especially the pineapple rings on some dead as fuck whole literal suckling pig. There was punkin juice, apple juice, coconut water juice and an assortment of other juices. But no Four Lokos. Harry sighed. Everyone went in face first in a ravenous frenzy, but immediately spit all that junk out because it tasted like ass.

Except for Neville. It tasted just like Grandma's home cookin'. He's a freak.

"Oh ew sick what is this garbage grab bag school lunch carp?" Said Ron between gags

"I know, right? It tastes like Neville's freak grandma's home cookin'." Screeched some other student

"We should petition for the great hall to become a food court, just like at the mall back home. Maybe with a Smoothie King or something?"

In the midst of all this dirty complaining and hullabaloo, Harry espied a hunched, defeated-looking figure reminiscent of Quasimodo or wrinkly turds hobbling out of the kitchen and serving plates of food to the professors.

"Ho-HUM, I think I know that sad creature!" Harry sighed in excitement.

It was DEF Dobby the house elf whose sickly, pale, pitiful frame Harry recognized. Just as Harry said that thought aloud, but not too loud, the dirty stinky stick-like guy looked Harry Potter, the chosen one, dead in the eye and shook his fist threateningly.

Harry was shook. And also Harry grew. Ew Jesus.

Ron noticed Harry's sighs AND size and asked, "Wat"

"Oh, no-nothing...Oh my…." Harry flushed and sighed and adjusted himself in his bench. Just when Ron was off his trail, a meek battlecry went across the room like thunder but really quiet, weak, unnoticeable thunder.

"PISS OFF, HARRY POTTER" cried Dobby, from at least 100 yards away. The star quarterback of my high school football team couldn't even throw that far!

People looked around questioningly but ignored it so hard.

The children all went to their dorms, which was good for the professors because they were getting massive migraines from listening to all the just stupid ass shit that kids say out loud. Wow.

Back in the Gryffindor lounge, the kids were yucking it up about all the kewl things they did over the break such as getting high on molly and getting more ass than a toilet seat, and also reading books, playing grand theft auto, petting dogs, visiting their aging great-aunts, making the occasional cake, and discovering new things about their changing bodies.

Ron was wearing a new sweater. His mommy had made it out of her own handspun capybara wool. The sweater depicted a mom and a son. The mom was abandoning the son in a forest full of spiders, Ron's worst fear. It was an immersion therapy sweater.

Two clipboards were being passed around the dorm; one was a petition to convert the great hall into a mall food court with a list of suggestions such as Smoothie King, Chick-Fil-A, and Maggiano's Little Italy. The other clipboard was for people to chronicle all that ass they got over the break. It had a section for name, place, astrological sign, measurements, and how long you lasted.

The clipboard for sexual encounters got passed to Ron.

"So, Harry boy, I can tell you have a little secret Summer Lovin' you wanna tell me about." Ron hinted as he wrote four encounters on the clipboard. They were all fake.

"Er….well there is something...I went to a Barbie with the mates...That's about all the fun I had this summer…" Harry sigh-dodged.

Ron was about to testify, when Hermione slinked over in a yellow, green, and red drug rug. Her skirt was rolled up so high that you could see her ass cheeks, combat boots, varicose veins, keratosis psoriasis, and cool thigh high stockings and leg hair.

"Hey boys. Sup?" Hermione was the coolest kid in school. She was also the absolute smartest person in the whole world. She pulled out a bong from her robes which she wore over her drug rug, and started a-huffin.

"Are you boys ready for the first day of class tommorrow, lads? Have ye studied sufficiently? I don't need to study because I'm precocious as fuck and don't need it. HAH. But I'm still cool."

Boy was Harry ready. He'd all but forgotten about his magical encounter with a little house turd we like to call Dobby.

END OF CHAPTER

CHAPTER NOTE

A/N: Thanks for reading our biggie chapter it took at least two days to write. Our internet went out for a day in fact. I was serious about that snicker's bar if anyone wants it. Thanks to Trisha Furry Star 67 for the amazing fanart. You can find that on our official facebook page. We can't wait to get to all the gr8 story stuff especially Ghost Adventures.

"You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky." -Amelia Earhart